Sleepless in Texas โœŒ๏ธ


I’m undiagnosed and untreated with adult ADHD and it’s progression has worsened, especially within the past three to six months. I don’t know why. I’m just familiar with my body emotionally and physically, and both areas are freaking out more than ever.

I’ve silently suffered from ADHD my entire life. There were some times that were worse than others; however, recently has been the worse time of all.

I think to myself, “Yay, in my early golden years I get to put up with this craziness magnified. I’m so scattered and I know that people can see the crazy old lady I am perceived to be. Great, I think to myself. Perfect.

I know others are sick to death of hearing me complain about my undiagnosed state as well as being untreated. They have been sweet not to say anything, but “I’m afraid they may leave if I keep it up, like all the others in my past”. Paralyzing thoughts. Yay ๐Ÿ‘Œ thank you ADHD. Your thoughts will lie to you. It suxxx.

I have a very small circle including my landlady (who is a very good friend), my BFWB, and my platonic male friend Kenny. That’s about it. I have a very small circle. Less drama and less people judging me, and less people to screw me over. I’ve had my fill of those types in my life, no more for me

I know people would think I was mental if I were to go out in public. I have let myself go physically and I’m ashamed.

I mistakingly thought I could overcome it with mind over matter but boy, was I totally wrong. I used to be so pretty now I feel like a troll ๐Ÿ™„

My sleep patterns are non- existent and wacky, for lack of a better word.

I do have my crazy moments though, real talk! Focusing only through writing and the lessons learned about my mistakes in life.

The fact that I can’t control a lot of this scares me but what can I do? Nothing, but move forward the best I can, praying for the day I can afford to see a clinic or Doctor that will treat me.

Long story short, my clinic is a sliding scale government funded clinic and they told me they didn’t prescribe stimulants nor did they have funding to test for ADHD.

I could bear and handle the symptoms, for the most part, until three to six months ago. They became worse and almost unbearable. I’ve struggled big-time ever since as if it were brand new to me.

I’ve worked harder on this blog site and content than I ever have with anything else! There is an almost explosive drive behind me, keeping me going with little sleep for days. I’m exhausted, excited, scared, anxious and distant all in one. But I keep plodding along until my battery runs out altogether.

Conquering my addiction was easier than dealing with this, I believe.

The ADHD explains the addiction, because I was addicted to cocaine. A stimulant (ADHD is treated with synthetic methamphetamine – which is a simulant as well) and I was unconsciously self medicating I’m sure in hopes of feeling “normal”.

Cocaine does not treat ADHD to any real degree. (maybe take the edge off and numb your emotions so you don’t feel the effects of ADHD symptoms) That’s why I felt little relief while getting hooked in the process. I’ve been clean over five years. That was only after five horrible relapses but I was not one to give up, so I kept trying to stop and finally I did.

I need relief and soon from this emotional hell.

Tomorrow is another day in which I really need to clean my house. Another one of ADHDs symptoms at work. These emotions can paralyze you into not being able to do anything. Sometimes, I can push through that and other times I simply cannot.

I was blessed to have RAW determination that has gotten me through my weakest points. I never know how I’m going to make it, but somehow I just do.

I’m grateful today for the revelations in my personal growth, but I need a break to rest.

LIKE my Facebook page for help and info for living with ADHD and other stigma related diseases, disorders and lifestyles: https://www.facebook.com/stopandkillthestigma/

2 thoughts on “Sleepless in Texas โœŒ๏ธ

  1. Thank you so much Kathy for your time in reading my blog. It’s very appreciated โค๏ธ it helps that people get me and understand but here alone I feel as if I’m crazy and out of control sometimes. This hyper mode sure is a beast. I feel like I’m complaining all three time but dammit I’m miserable and even then I try to put on a mask that I’m ok. I still get brought down, I don’t get it. Do I have fu*k with me please written on my forehead? Do I matter so little?
    But I know so these thoughts on dealing with this in my blog, my bfwb Ughhhhh, are clouded bc of ADHD symptoms. It’s just hard to remember it when your in the throes of that moment. I need some rest and all will be okay. There that positive came out again. Lol I’m trying but too no avail, yet anyway. Lol ๐Ÿ˜‡
    God bless get you some rest! #blessings #thistoshallpass

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Michelle, it sounds like you are dealing with a lot. I perfectly understand what you are going through. I don’t have ADHD, but have depression, anxiety and probably a bit of manic. I don’t sleep much or well. it’s funny, I feel my best writing was done when I had been up for a couple of days. The thoughts just rush through my brain. I have so many I can’t write them down and then I forget them, so I have to write as soon as I find that inspiration.
    I think about all the ideas that I had, that I lost in a fog, maybe that stuff would have been better.
    I’ve had a hard time writing anything happy, there is always a current of sadness in most of what I write.
    I find that if I listen to certain music it inspires me and spurns me on.
    As to your style of writing, writing like you talk, I don’t see anything wrong with that. I write letters and emails that way and most of the time. I feel it is some of my best material is stream of consciousness. I had it happen twice the past seven days and I couldn’t stop. I was physically exhausted afterward. Now I am feeling I have lost it again.
    I had little sleep today, I think it is catching up with me, but I took sleeping meds. When I don’t take them I don’t sleep I am better able to write. In my case meds stop me.
    I hope that you can get some help. Don’t be so down on yourself, I am pretty much the same way though, so I know how it is.
    I also have let myself go in the same way as you mentioned. I kind of gave up. I’ve had a stressful time for quite a while. I need to extract myself from the chaos. I am working on that.
    I can’t write any more for now. I am falling asleep. Thanks for following my blog. I followed yours. I look forward to reading your blog.
    I do like the insertion of the quotes. My name is Kathy.

    Liked by 2 people

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