Have you ever wondered how to go about learning how to love yourself? Some people never give it a second thought, while others spend their whole lives trying to master this coveted skill. Mastering ourselves in our own mind and in our own lives is the ultimate goal!
I spent my entire life not loving myself, until very recently. Understand though, I didn’t even realize this until right before I started this journey, which was approximately 8-9 months ago. I’m glad I didn’t realize this at that time, when it was happening, because how miserable would that have made me?All it would’ve accomplished and what it was delaying me from would be getting into my own little personal journey!
My partner,who is now very close to me, is the one who showed me that I was worth receiving love. I never before thought I mattered enough. That was a thought that was deep down inside, that you don’t see when just looking at yourself from the outside. You got to look and dig deeper. It was through them, showing me that I mattered, that made me want to look and dig deeper, thus beginning my journey. It was then that I saw that I’d never really loved myself at all.
On the outside, throughout my life, I thought I was loveable because I’m kind, empathetic, compassionate and thoughtful to others. So that’s why “it had to be my fault if someone didn’t love me, right”?
That was from years of negative thoughts about myself. I’m sure you have them to, huh? Only after being shown that I did matter, I realized I hadn’t ever loved ME. So, “why did I not love me?”, that was the question. I was going to find the answer, if it killed me.It was the least I could do for myself, after being so hard on myself for several years by thinking it was my fault for being unlovable. I was so cruel to myself and seeing that now frightens me that I abused myself so much. This is why so many who don’t love themselves fall into DOMESTIC VIOLENCE relationships or stop fighting for themselves and give in when faced with a narcissistic parent. Many also fall into addictions, trying to numb the feelings of inadequacy.
Knowing it deep down and not doing anything about it is self abuse in my book. So once I “knew” this, I hurriedly set myself on a path to change it. I deserved better treatment than that, especially from myself. You deserve it too!
One reason I wanted to learn this was because I was so tired of being hurt by others. So many that were close to me hurt me. I somehow knew that if I could ever find true love for myself, then I wouldn’t get hurt by others if they didn’t love me.
I didn’t know at this time that I was attracting those kind of toxic people that couldn’t love me by just me feeling that I was UNLOVABLE. That’s a trip, huh?
This link explains how you may be attracting toxic people in your life that you may not be aware of.
No one else would love me unconditionally, unless I could love myself this way. This I just seemed to know without being told. I wanted to be loved like that in my life so bad and in order for that to happen, I knew I had to change my own perception of myself and look at myself realistically with no filters. I shouldn’t look at myself from others perspectives of myself, but most of us do. I was now ready to really get to know the real ME that I truly was inside.
First, I started with the definition of what unconditional love was. Basically, it’s loving someone (or yourself) despite that person’s wrongs. You don’t have to agree with those wrong things or decisions but you love them regardless (or in spite) of them. “Love the sinner, not the sin”, if you will! That’s not just for others, it’s for ourselves as well.
I’d personally never experienced receiving unconditional love in my own life, however, this is where I started on my journey.
I had given that type of love to both my kids, the best I knew how from learning about it in church, so I knew what it meant. However, the mind power I needed to display that plus, in order for me to have that type of love for myself, (in spite of any wrongs, any past bad decisions, any flaws and any differences), was going to be a hard bumpy road.
So many people want to experience the end result (after you are at the end of the journey) but don’t want to do what you did in order to get that end result. No, they would rather use up negative energy saying to themselves, “I CAN’T”. You will use up energy either way – it’s up to you whether you will use positive energy toward the goal (loving yourself) or will you use negative energy complaining about not being able to do the “mind power thing” because it’s to hard!
It’s a process of getting to know yourself (not people’s perceptions about you), accepting yourself, forgiving yourself, and ultimately you will find that, after those three things are looked at and worked through … You will already be loving yourself!
Here are the list of steps to follow in learning to love yourself:
1. Get to really know yourself … beyond your soul, the inner core.
2. Forgive yourself for any past mistakes, no matter how horrible you think they are.
3. Accept yourself completely (no matter what you have done or what guilt you have because something may have happened to you)
4. Loving yourself unconditionally. This will automatically happen after you delve into the three previous steps.
Spend time with YOU and get to know yourself!
I got to know myself by being alone day after day. Once the freedom came for this to happen, after this breakthrough (me working through my childhood pains with the mental symptoms I had been noticing, once I realized the way I’d been treated had a name for the person that treated me badly.
My mom was a narcissist and after studying and researching what that meant – I was able to see that so much I thought was true wasn’t. I also saw that it was not my fault. Around this same time, I had put two and two together on the symptoms I noticed, regarding my mental health. That also put a name to what I was experiencing, which was ADHD. So much now made sense in my life I thought, as I looked back on childhood instances through today’s foggy haze).
Forgiving yourself
Forgiving yourself is VERY important and without it, you cannot move on in your life, past a certain point. It was essential to this journey I was on. Again, I just knew this was a step I must take, without being told, I just seemed to know.
Even if you truly don’t believe you deserve to be forgiven, forgive yourself anyway. How can others forgive you, when you won’t forgive yourself? It’s the same with accepting yourself and loving yourself.
Keep in mind to, that we attract people with the energy we give off, so in my case I was attracting toxic people that couldn’t love themselves, much less love me. They tried to make me the same way, thankfully, that didn’t happen.
Forgiving yourself frees you into being able to accept yourself right where you are and eventually allows you to start loving yourself.
I had to fight through negative thoughts my whole life because on the outside I knew I was good enough, smart enough, and pretty enough, but I just didn’t show it. I didn’t know how. I’m guessing it was also because I didn’t feel it on the inside. That’s where the REAL me was. The negative over powered the positive in my mind. I didn’t know myself at that time and it showed. I had started looking at myself the way toxic people looked at me, wondering if they were right. I didn’t know myself enough to hear my inner self screaming, “no I’m not like that”!
I had thought, somewhere deep inside of me, that I deserved the wrongful and abusive treatment I had received all these years from different people, myself included. (From who, why and where doesn’t matter. I just needed to train myself NOT to believe that lie). You don’t have to believe those lies others say about you. Just keep throwing them out of your mind, on purpose, and hold onto those deep down feelings that your gut is telling you, that you do matter. Like I did, I knew it but I put what others said and had shown me above what I knew was truth. Abuse yourself no longer!
There was no map or outline on how to do this, I just went with it. God led me through it.
All this time, from that deep place inside me, I knew that I DID deserve love, and finally, that feeling overwhelmed the lie I’d believed all these years. This occured once I started this journey.
Accepting yourself
Through ALL of that, I learned to accept myself for ME.
Beautifully written, thank you for this emotionally charged post!
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Wow your welcome!!! Thank you for your kind words that means a lot to me!!😊👠💄💋💄👠😊
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I absolutely loved reading this. You are so right in everything you’re saying! I actually write about alot of the same things! We should collaborate one day! 🙂
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We will have to as soon as I know what that means lol… I’ve only been blogging for 8 months!
💙🖤💜❤️💛💚 Thank you so much!
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Thank you for your support. Seems like we both are on the same road. I loved your article. It’s very well written. I’m glad to know you.
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I’m glad to know you as well and I do appreciate your kind words!!!!
💚💛❤️💜💙🖤
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This post was therapeutic honestly. Been on this journey starting within the past year so everything you’re saying here makes perfect sense. Especially the part about how healing and acceptance and self discovery are extremely painful, given how much time you didn’t see these things about yourself before. So thank you so much for posting about this.
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Your welcome and I was worried it wouldn’t make sense. I’m glad but I’m still getting over wrong conditioning from childhood where I was told I would never amount to anything or that I would not be a good writer.
Thank you for your feedback it really helps me! ☺️🙂😊😋😃😄
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This is one of the hardest and realist things I’ve read recently… this hit SO many points personally… so wonderfully written 💖 … I’ve known that period when I learned that I am worthy of Love especially realizing that I had to love myself first and rediscovering my Faith, giving my life to God.
Thanks Hun for this post 💖💖
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Thank you for your reply and your real thoughts. As writers we strive for the readers to “feel” our work. It’s not work with me, it’s my passion.
Your awesome thank you!
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