๐Ÿ’” mommy dearest ๐Ÿ’”

๐Ÿ’” revised post from mother’s day this year ๐Ÿ’”

I couldn’t believe it … when I was first told … the person that raised me was for real is a petty mean troll … She was hateful indeed and there was no doubt … that loathing she did went beyond way up and out … Yet my being raised so out of control … it was the devil from hell that wanted my soul …

Once I knew that she loved to hurt me … she sure did that that to me a lot indeed … On purpose was her pain … aimed directly at my brain … where it was disordered yet sane … although crazy causing anxiety in my brain …

For years, I made it my mission that I’d find a way to please … the evil monster she was … while up to appease … The orders she tried to succumb … yet instead she managed to regain control over some …

She blamed me for several … of covered up wrongs … my disorder playing like an old song … with her look of disgust … that quickly became a must … to settle on down … to calm my fears while coveting my trust …

She hated on me … for many years more…. while telling me I was never going to be any good … that I was brainless and dumb … I was told time and again … I knew better and when … I disagreed with her … it was much to her chagrin …

Feeling ashamed that I was being stupid all over again … I had no real guidance that gave me a start … with me … grasping for instructions on the minute details of her black heart …

Through the cloudy ADHD haze … disordered and dazed … feeling the hatred from her arrive … for her it’s just in due time … realizing then that she must … not love me … while claiming that I was the one that was acting real bad … yes that had to be me …

I’d feel so bad that I couldn’t be good … this evil woman I’d begun to hate … while I realized that I would never be understood … her knowing that goodness … freely flowed out of me … that depressing blanket of black … hovered above me … while covering up the unimpeachable … just step back, wait and see …

Paralyzing taunts from the evil in her …. that plagued my thoughts … I certainly was not any old amatuer … ONLY WANTING HER TO LOVE ME … all that now thank God is a blur … Yet all I could do then … is pray that everything was going to be okay …

She turned my sweet … my baby girl … into a mini little “she” … told her fake news all about me … making me want to flee … these roads while just leaving all this be …

I was slipping away into that cold dark pit – that was harrowing, scary and warm not a bit … why do I always get accused of being an irritating brat …

… the fact that I’m really smart … isn’t very well known and she lied to me … which definitely did set the pace … it’s set in stone and unfortunately for me … I fell in disgrace and her presence followed me … lurking all around the place …

she was always telling more lies about me … unforgettable yet still absurd … now as I look back on those shameful days thankfully those days of old … I often never ever heard … the apologies resounding from her frosty cold soul …

she’s never going to accept me, ever I thought … that I’d never make it back from all of the dark words and shameful taunts …

the evil clinging inside of her brain – is way hotter than hell … I would never be the same … so much confusing chaos … all around her while silently praying but to no avail … she’d go head first … crashing through my many mistakes … while holding them all not just one … over me with no brakes …

I don’t feel guilty or anything bad … because I’m free to hate her now … for any unpleasantness that narcissists spread … The guilt as the scapegoat almost suffocated me many years ago … from the lies, calling names and with references that I’d been born from down below …

throughout each night … from daylight to dark … I’d been brought down real low … I should’ve fallen apart …

I craved for her to acknowledge me … for her to be proud … knowing it was doubtful at best .. yet somehow I was meant to believe … there has to be some good in everyone …

narcissists don’t have one ounce of good … so now I no longer care if she acknowledged me back then or not … I was completely blown over when shown what she was … that day not very easily forgot …

I learned the hard way that she would never feel love for me or for you … while strolling along in life … Hopelessly … she’d groan causing so much strife … and with pain coming down … directly aimed at my soul … I wasn’t about to let anyone know …

I’m finally free ever since I’ve known what label she supports … masking emotions and things of that sort …

Manipulators and controllers stay busy all about … I tried so long to be a real good girl … there should be no doubt …

I feel as if in a bind of chaos inside foggy clouds … I was unable to verbalize my feelings out loud … being locked in my own little world every day … so so quiet … still sensing her hate unmasking when she’d fake a smile at me ..

I was finally released … from her diabolical mind … my memories from then are ultimately at peace … I would no longer wish for her to be kind …

I rode out the hard pain … that hovered … barely … above me … while having thoughts that I feared that mostly involved you as well as me …

I am finally at the point in my life … I no longer have feelings … not for nor about her … and I no longer tolerate any damn strife … I am at peace inside knowing my worth “as it were” …

๐Ÿ’” if you or someone you know is a daughter of a narcissistic mother ๐Ÿ’” reach out to them … they need someone to understand them and the depth of their immense emotional pain … because they believe everything is their fault … ๐Ÿ’” when it’s not …
๐Ÿ’” here are some informative and helpful links ๐Ÿ’”

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: A Bond Made of Selfishness and Coldness

Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers

The Incredible Healing Power of Reddit’s ‘RaisedbyNarcissists’ Support Group

Do You Have A Narcissistic Mother?

8 Common, Long-Lasting Effects of Narcissistic Parenting

What happens when you live in the shadow of a narcissistic parent?

The Invisible War Zone: 5 Ways Children Of Narcissistic Parents Self-Destruct In Adulthood

๐Ÿ’” thank you for reading, following and
commenting ๐Ÿ’”

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Broken beyond recognition

I’m breaking, my heart is completely breaking right now. I’m broken but I’m going to have to be okay. I just don’t know how the fuck I’m going to be okay

I don’t know if I am going to be able to handle what I feel may be coming.

I feel that it may be time to let things go, I just don’t feel that the situation is the same anymore and I cannot keep feeling that, staying where I am and be okay.

Not after seeing what I didn’t see, today!

Not if there’s a reason to hide something ~ anything … FROM ME! Once that is shown, deep down I know,

That needs to move around. They flipped, not me. I will offer option and by the reply, I will know …

But FUCK IT HURTS like a bitch …

No one cares

I’m all alone and I’m terrified to be …

What is it, is it me?

I never saw this coming but it’s here, and I tell myself you will want to stay …

With what we have is enough and not to much, unless it’s someone else and your just not telling me, because you truly don’t want me to hurt …

It would hurt less if I knew a hundred percent, that’s also more respectful, so that’s a definite hint …

My stomach aches and I’m going to throw up, no matter how you may feel, please respect my heart …

I’m petrified would actually better describe, the deep ass pain throughout my gut, stabbing me through to the other side …

It’s killing me deep down …

But a woman knows …

what vibes she’s getting, even if they may not know what vibes they’re giving …

A woman knows …

Dammit wtf have I done to deserve this paramount of pain?

All I ever did was love you beyond all reason, that’s all. That was my crime and from day one I knew I would eventually pay the price …

I really just don’t matter anymore, I’m boring to you maybe and that’s why you don’t want to ever hang …

anymore, like we did, damn I thought that shit was fun and insane …

Just come out and tell me boo bear … whatever it is … put me out of my misery before I enter a hospital instead …

It’s my own fucking fault but who knew the pain would be away, hiding way past the stars … I knew it would pounce one day, always hoping it was never tomorrow …

But today it is ๐Ÿ˜ญ

๐Ÿ˜I write this from an ADHD moment … where our thoughts are rampant and raging throughout our body 90,000 times per second … I thought wrong thoughts about my guy and thank God he’s so incredibly patient with me ๐Ÿ˜
๐Ÿ’œ Thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’š

adhd anXiety tries to rule … ๐Ÿ˜ต

On the verge … dangerous trepidation … agitates deep inside …

… anxiety tries to rule …

… daily struggles … monotonous … nothing seems to change …

… am I left all alone … in a … fog left by the world … passing me by … never giving me a thought – I’m just sitting alone in my little home …

… anxiety tries to rule …

I can sense happiness just beyond my reach … It’s weird – but I feel things and unlike others … I have those skills you can’t teach … ADHD management is not out of reach …

I’m kinda stuck where I am right now … emotionally, I mean … not in the worst or the best of moods … I just wish I knew how …

… anxiety tries to rule …

To do things in life like everyone else … like go to the store, drive to a friend’s, spend some time at a park just like I used to do … before …

I still have a ways to go – since that light bulb came on … seven months ago – give or take a month … I try not to get withdrawn … as I try to calm my mind with no meds … ADHD runs through my head … running amuck … ripping my brain to shreds …

… anxiety tries to rule …

Holding it together … for what I’m not sure … I’m kinda tired of having to act like I’m so strong … I’m not and when it comes to myself … I’m usually never wrong … ADHD usually won’t allow me to listen to even one song …
Minutes tick by … ever so slow and I get so anxious that feeling doesn’t want to leave … Then I don’t know what to do or where to go …

… anxiety tries to rule …

I try not to think about things, so I just get online … to write or to help someone just to take it all off my mind …

… anxiety tries to rule …

Fake friends around here are a dime a dozen … so transparent in their actions but they think they’re slick … but I can see right through the crap they’re trying so hard to hide … because they may be quick but they ain’t that quick …

In the challenging ADHD moments of anxiety times ten … Much to my chagrin … Scattered thoughts pounding down on me like a hard fast rain … Closing my eyes I try to escape – I was locked in this moment I that being said … I am just gonna have to deal with this pain … ADHD is never going to be tame …

I’ve come a very long way in my journey of seeking self awareness … Wisdom abounds more in my sOuL and beyond … than before and that is a rareness … It’s somewhat similar to a real “self bond” …

Bonding with yourself isn’t easy as you may think … You have to dig deep beyond your inner core … So it all comes together and gets in sync … consistency is the key just practice it more and more …

Overcoming mental disorders take a lot of mental work … some say they want the outcome – but that just means – they just don’t want to put in any hard work … They’d rather just make excuses and be stupid jerks …

Anxiety stunts you spiritually – preventing your emotional growth – causing them to not develop properly … It really sucks having anxiety and ADHD both …

Waiting to be formerly diagnosed … that is hard to do as an adult these days … all I want is help to be normal … ADHD is not just a phase …

… anxiety tries to rule …

I’m not defined by any mental health issues or disorder “thing” … I try to stay away from people in general … for the most part they try to get your ass in a sling …

I’m going to smoke a stick now it takes the edge off… I want to pay attention to my guy… laying next to me … so please don’t scoff … I’ll turn out the light and snuggle up nice and he will snuggle back with me right where I’m supposed to be …

… anxiety ain’t gonna rule …

… living with ADHD is definitely not very cool …

LIKE my fb page dealing with stigma related mental disorders, diseases and chronic illnesses …

๐Ÿ˜ต for ADHD support contact:

ADHD/NAMI National Alliance on Mental Illness

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom …”

๐Ÿ˜จ Thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ˜ฒ

๐Ÿ‘๏ธ simply LoneLy

๐Ÿ˜ž foreword ๐Ÿค” the reality that I’m taking about is the reality that although he’s (my best friend and beyond) not here, I know that he will be back soon, even if it’s not as soon as I would like. But the harshness and pain of loneliness is paralyzing at times.

๐Ÿ‘๏ธ Simply LoneLy …

… Emptiness inside – born from the pain that hurts every time – I miss you babe …

that loneliness creates …

… an emptiness created from craving the presence of that special one – that is unlike any other.

We connected INSTANTLY from hearing faint whispers, echoing deep within our sOuL.

… IT HURTS WHEN YOU AREN’T HERE …

Angrily, the brute force of feeling lonely stabs – through to my core slicing more painfully, into my pain while causing hot throbbing aches, while masking the clarity – that’s automatically taken from the safe images from our own reality.

My heart can be felt pounding hard beneath my chest. I’m feeling that torment … intense …

in fact …

I am shushed from hearing the mutters, emulating through the warmth, climbing out from my soul, came the truth born from sweet memories that we shared not to long ago.

I’m not comfortable in this zone, although I do know – the torrid jolts from missing you …

… The chill from the lonesome cry of my soul … pierce me … Knocking the breath that clings tightly and thoroughly, as I notice not the strain but rather the strength rising up …

… fierce devotion …

that’s felt distinctly for you

causing my tears to streak, sliding silently down my face … While focusing on impressions from long ago grace … and as I sit quietly … in my own little world – I remember this and a whole lot more …

I do know this – I know this for sure, since my son finally admitted to loving me more!

I remember …

that I hate … remembering …

… remembering alone …

;-(

… thankfully when this all took place – those deep thinking – awareness were deep and within God’s grace!

it’s searching …

for the ONE whose absences fills my heart with unforgiving emptiness, searing sharp pains yet I desperately try to regain some control.

Laughing sadly to myself, I know it hurts – when you yearn for someone’s presence – you miss with all your might …

Will I ever survive, fighting these pains that could certainly break me away?

Away from loneliness, because he told me …

Feeling that way is a waste …

… Then he smiled at me, and made my heart smile – while standing right in front of my face!

The mask covers me trying to hide reality – through the pain created by being lonely … and lonely covers me – with a dark blanket of intimate suffering … from yearning thoughts stemming from my core while craving your presence and so much more!

As I peer through that cloudy mask for a check on myself, it becomes virtually impossible for reality to make it’s way to where my soul can see – that’s the reality of deep loneliness indeed!

I don’t need a lot of people that are fake through the storms of life – the lonesomeness blinds me …

… hiding the truth – away from the harshness that my soul can see ~ I do so ache for REALITY.

Reality means that although you aren’t here – this very time – memories tell me that – the realness is when you get out of a bind and make a trip back, just to be with me here!

Yes, although right now your not physically around, due to work and issues that happen when life is abound …

Yet, once I hear you back up to my place, the excitement bursts from deep within and all the exploding from areas not while the song that’s inside my soul screams …

” … he’s here

You keep the emptiness and loneliness at bay … They slither to the corner, hissing at me, claiming to be bored and want me to play … Yet your presence clears the way that is free and the way you care keeps …

… ALL THE BAD THINGS AWAY FROM ME …

… Really wanting you close … Remembering your honesty, your loyality and trust – combined with hope

I SMILE … AS I REMEMBER THOSE DAYS …

knowing soon you’d be pulling up right here in my yard …

and we …

…will remember …

… That I’m remembering … I’m with you … I remember the fact …

… For once I’m not remembering alone …

๐Ÿ˜‰

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Finding your best friend and beyond… dedicated to my exclusive guy – my bfab

โค๏ธ Thank you for reading commenting and following ๐Ÿ’š

The endless cycle

Scattered thoughts, prancing to and fro,

Gleefully running and fleeing away from organization …

Intense flashes of images from those thoughts bombard my brain,

Tiptoeing around, quietly

Running, away from the scrutinizing eye.

I can see each thought yet they won’t slow down long enough in order for me to look at them,

To see what they are.

Crashing isn’t far

… hyper isn’t far …

Finally,

Smoke, swirling around each separately …

to lay them down, once and for all …

Cradled,

Until the dawn of …

tomorrow.

Like my fb page that deals with Stigma related disorders and diseases.

Related posts:

๐Ÿ’• Caught between struggling and serenity

๐Ÿ’• Sleepless in Texas

๐Ÿ’• Inside the tornado … thoughts lie

๐Ÿ˜œ Perpetual madness of the mind

โ˜€๏ธ “In limbo” (caught between “highs” and “lows”)

โค๏ธโ€œADHD depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the doorโ€
๐Ÿ’™ Thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’œ

“In limbo” (caught between “highs” and “lows)

Limbo is not a good place to be, before the crash and after the “high” …

Waiting to fall or to climb to new heights, whichever happens first …

It’s the not knowing which that is torture. Worse than the darkness.

Antsy, your all over the place … Hopeful, forgetful, anxious, sleepy, awake, cloudy, and weepy all at once,

Your afraid of pushing those close to you away, so you cling to them as if they are a life preserver …

Silently begging them to stay …

You need to feel important in some way, otherwise what’s the point?

A knot in your throat … Tells you that your afraid, of what others think also which way are you going to go today ..

Unknown …

Holding on in this limbo, is such a contrast to the blackness yet so similar …

It is worse I feel, because there is hope in the limbo that you will go “up” …

Yet in the blackness there’s no doubt what to do,

This feeble place is a special kind of hell in itself simply because of the hope that you will fly.

If you don’t, then down you go, spiraling

and the hell is the lost hope you had inside.

โœŒ๏ธRead my similar post: Perpetual madness of the mind ๐Ÿ˜Š

โค๏ธThanks for reading, commenting, and following!๐Ÿ’™