Perpetual madness of the mind

I feel lost …

Alone…terribly alone …

Fighting back is getting old …

I’m ready for someone to take my hand, telling me I’m not alone. Tears drop silently down onto the chilly, dark night ground.

I’m so cold inside my soul, shivering through to my bones. I try to concentrate in hopes this apprehension calms down inside. It’s not a physical cold, it’s from the inside out.

Shaky inside from my head to the tips of my toes, my feet, sludging along, as if in quicksand, my brain hurts, throbbing into the secret parts of my very soul.

Heinous taunts come from the thoughts that aren’t mine, making this world seem unfeeling, not giving me any consolation. Making me stay in this miserable place. No matter how I fight, I cannot leave.

I’m not fully depressed, that’s the whole thing. This crazy disorder I’ve dealt with forever is the culprit and stress only magnifies the intensity of the anxiety, depression and ADHD blackness.

After this feeling leaves, I simply brush it off and go on. It lasts so long; however, I’m always grateful when it’s gone.

Feeling wrung out from the energy it takes to go through what I’ve described above.

I’m just pleased it’s over, for now anyway, but knowing it will return again soon enough …

I cringe …

I can handle the hyper moments because I’m at my most creative during those exuberant times.

I won’t sleep for days at a time and I write, write, write my little heart out.

It’s almost like I’m on drugs, it’s euphoric almost! I almost don’t want meds for it because of these “high” times.

No, it’s these moments as I related above, that pitches me straight into the pit of hell. The hopeless, dark, cold and lonely world.

The stronghold is real and harrowing, nevertheless you will feel as if it will never end …

… infinity.

I can certainly see how some want to die to get out, yet my soul would never let me take myself away.

It will last as long as “it” decides and I’m stuck, riding those crashing waves. Holding on for dear life, as they beat me down, struggling to keep my thoughts mine.

Slowly it happens, and when it’s over, I go back to ordinary things but I know before long, I will be transported back to the blackness.

God does, thankfully, look out for me during these nosedives into hell, otherwise I know I would never be released.

ยฉchellesRAWthoughts

โค๏ธโ€œADHD depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the doorโ€

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๐ŸŽธ rOCk candy QUEEN

FOREWORD: This poem gives you a unique insight straight into a crack/cocaine addicts sOuL (your sOuL iS made up of your mind, your will, and your emotions) and the most intense death grip hold that this evil drug has on them. Also, what level of mental power that it takes you inside to be completely free from

crack/cocaine as well as showing you what it takes to become a SURVIVOR OF ADDICTION

๐ŸŽธrOCk candy QUEEN

Years ago my thoughts go back to that horrific time where she was fun to hang out with … that evil cousin to the white ladyshe knew how to make you feel good and keep you intrigued โ€ฆ

… IN THE BEGINNING …

… yet … you kept going back for more and more โ€ฆ not realizing she was completely out of your league …

โ€ฆ she became more fierce with her touch as time moved on โ€“ she revealed no heart and no soul to no one … it was considered quite the phenomenon …

know this …

she can turn your heart away from your own self because she does not play, because she gains … as well as turning your loved ones away and she will not stop until your soul is in chains …

clutching you tight … knowing you canโ€™t break free โ€ฆ you’re stuck outright โ€ฆ in bondage to the queen of rOCk CanDy โ€“ the evil cousin to the white lady indeed โ€ฆ

You will find her dancing with the demons of addiction, heartbreak and pain โ€“ they know you will eventually give in to their strong demands once again โ€“ while you falsely think that they accept you โ€“ yet really they do not โ€“

… thatโ€™s just get you hooked so they are able to harass you relentlessly โ€“ down that vile path that you tried so hard to adopt … because by then โ€“ they are laughing at you โ€“ watching you – as you realize in horror โ€“

THAT YOU’RE UNABLE TO STOP โ€ฆ

Like a robot and a puppet you move to her beat โ€ฆ like a good master โ€“ she pulls easy then real hard on your puppet strings โ€“ pushing your soul … while you chase that next hit โ€“ as she heartlessly brings โ€“ you way down โ€“ to hell’s fiery pit …

… Teasing you mercilessly โ€“ is one of her many sick treats โ€ฆ just as the hit that you raced for โ€ฆ finally connects inside your brain โ€ฆ causing you to feel such a major relief โ€“ you feel it straight down to your core – making you feel like you will never hurt again forever more …

… yet …

… you’re still wanting more and more and still yet more โ€“ until she senses your fear, forcing even the devil himself to scream โ€ฆ โ€œgo on you’re worthless – just get the hell outta hereโ€

… then sadly, as you cower down โ€“ what does all of this prove โ€“ your wondering because you’re still โ€“

… in the COCAINE mood …

โ€ฆ knowing full well โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ itโ€™s not enough โ€“ itโ€™s never enough anymore โ€ฆ your always miserable, sick, scared, depressed, strung out and dazed …

… and you just can’t stop …

… because when you think about that cloud of white smoke just passing you by โ€ฆ your body constricts in pain, your brain aches and โ€ฆ with a brutal force thatโ€™s dragging you down once again – your body and mind is strained …

… you sink way lower than you ever wanted to go โ€“ to stare straight at the queen of rOCk CanDy โ€“ whose waiting for you to pay what she thinks you owe …

โ€ฆ and rOCk CanDy will have no problem โ€“ numbing your emotions and your mind โ€ฆ so you arenโ€™t clear enough to make any decisions at all โ€ฆ itโ€™s no wonder that sheโ€™s more than just a tiny bit surprised …

โ€ฆ when you actually take a stand …

against her and once she senses your newfound strength โ€“ she then squeezeโ€™s your sOuL so hard you canโ€™t breathe โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ sheโ€™s holding you snug โ€“ in her cold yet intriguing hand โ€ฆ

โ€œDo you think you can play with meโ€ โ€ฆ she laughs at you instead โ€ฆ

she also whispers in your ear telling you what you want to hear โ€ฆ just to keep you disheveled and mislead …

โ€ฆ and once she has your emotions shredded and your mind feel quite lost โ€ฆ you are once again locked away deep inside – while your sOuL pays the cost …

… you tell yourself how stupid it was to let that white bit*h โ€“ so damn deep in your mind โ€ฆ you had no clue that was going to be your hardest damn uphill climb …

She will fight you like a man, ultimately kicking your ass โ€“ so it may seem โ€“ but you NEVER GIVE UP and you show this queen … you don’t back down from this white cu*t โ€“ the infamous and lethal โ€ฆ

… the eviL … the rOCk CanDy queen โ€ฆ

… If you keep fighting and DO NOT stop …

โ€“ she WILL have no choice but to weaken her grasp and then you can quickly run away and …

… then โ€ฆ gradually โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ one day she will stop chasing you and realize that your not worth her time, so she will find another weak sOuL โ€“ to commit her hellish crimes.

she will take them by the hand and lead them along that same horrific path … that leads straight to the nightmare place โ€“ right to the front door and straight into hell โ€“ introducing them to the evil cousin to the white lady โ€“ the queen of the rOCk CanDy jaiL โ€ฆ

… during this release โ€ฆ you may fall and stumble around โ€“ fall off cliffs and possibly drown โ€“ in the turbulent waters racing away โ€“ sheโ€™s known to come looking … so fall to your knees and pray …

… that relapse will miss the mark then she won’t be able to locate you in the dark …

… especially with her tempting you … make sure you do not betray but just in case you slip from the path of complete abstinence – just get back up … put yourself back on the road โ€ฆ

and stay …

โ€ฆ donโ€™t get discouraged โ€“ pick yourself up and dust off those stains โ€“ that the queen of rOCk CanDy forcibly made โ€ฆ strive once more until you get it right โ€ฆ donโ€™t ever allow taunts and hurtful words make you give up without a fight โ€ฆ

Relapse just means you wonโ€™t stop striving to quit โ€ฆ itโ€™s tough and unfriendly โ€ฆ remember she isnโ€™t going to give up on you โ€ฆ not one bit …

… so โ€ฆ

Donโ€™t allow anyone to bring you down with rumors or snobby looks โ€“ they donโ€™t have a clue … as to what heLL you have been through โ€“ with this evil cousin to the white lady โ€ฆ who is the rOCk CanDy queen โ€ฆ realize that if you aLLow hershe will keep hounding you as if y’all were still a team …

… ultimately

โ€ฆ she has a diabolical plan to KILL you …

โ€ฆ dark depression โ€ฆ

… hateful voices whisper in the wind โ€ฆ evil beings that harass you โ€ฆ they are not your damn friend โ€“ beware of your mental health taking a turn โ€ฆ she will scratch you and then bite you – seemingly diminishing you โ€“ before you can learn โ€ฆ that this rOCk CanDy queen is a bitCh that stands firm โ€ฆ

her job is to jumble your thoughts and make you see through a blurry haze โ€“ your vision and mind so distorted that any decision you make will for sure be crazed …

addiCtiOn is only a symptom that masks the underlying root cause โ€ฆ You need to gather all your strength and please take a much needed pause …

… and …

โ€ฆ you stop being so nice to her โ€ฆ

“STOP LISTENING TO THAT BIT*H โ€ฆ GET MAD and with all your strength โ€ฆ face your fear and stand up in her face โ€ฆ as you recall all the things she lied about throughout the past several yearsโ€ฆ taunting you with your fears while teLLing you that you’re a disgrace … remember you almost lost your life behind her evil lies โ€ฆ stop listening to her before you die” …

… let that rOCk CanDy bit*h hear you as you scream at her that โ€œSHEโ€™S JUST THE DEVIL IN DISGUISEโ€ โ€ฆ you tell her off and curse her out โ€“ “JUST REMEMBER WHO THA FU*K YOU ARE” โ€ฆ and do yourself a favor by taking a brand new route …

… that leads away from the door โ€“ at the entrance of hell โ€“ in the opposite direction that will allow you to prevaiL โ€“

previously – way before that white bitch stole our dream โ€ฆ I told myself I couldn’t smoke that rOCk … little did I know that years later her and I would become quite the team …

โ€ฆ no matter what – keep holding your head up high โ€“ keep moving forward โ€“ find that deep down determination โ€“ find out how you can love yourself more โ€“ more especially through โ€“ the many dark dreary days โ€ฆ that may certainly overcome you โ€ฆ because, trust me she will be keeping score …

โ€ฆ and guess what? โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ one day the harrowing relapses will halt โ€“ she soon will realize that sheโ€™s FINALLY locked in the past โ€ฆ donโ€™t let her define you โ€“ remember too that people will talk, scorn and laugh โ€ฆ

… but just you hold fast to your dream and remember the pain when she took away all those many years putting on you ALL of the blame …

… “STOP … KEEP GOING” โ€“ you’re doing just fine โ€ฆ give yourself a smile because once and for all you take charge of the main design โ€ฆ finaLLy you managed to beat that damn queen โ€“ the cousin to the evil white lady who still is

โ€ฆ the rOCk CanDy queen โ€ฆ

Keep striving, sweating, straining while you also remember that rOCk CanDy jaiL โ€ฆ

Itโ€™s been a bittersweet journey after turning away from the front door of hell …

โ€ฆ If you are an addict โ€“ using ANY drug thatโ€™s taken over your life โ€“

… REACH OUT because I want you to know this: I saw a level of addiction that most hard core addicts donโ€™t see and they donโ€™t know exist โ€“

… you DO NOT want to be there because the only way out โ€ฆ IF YOU STAY IN DEFEAT โ€ฆ is going to be a horribly long life behind bars or worse โ€“ Death is waiting to take you to the front door that leads into hell so you can hang out with the the queen and the devil himself โ€ฆ

… you are NOT โ€“ trust me โ€“ your not ready for that โ€ฆ not when it means staying in the rOCk CanDy jaiL …

ยฉchellesrawthoughts

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

โญ if you or someone you care about is a crack cocaine addict – or hooked on ANY drug – this link to help for alcohol and drug addiction will help you find the help you need in your area.

๐Ÿšฅ read about crack/cocaine addicts – these are their stories .. get help!

โญ Like my Facebook page about addiction for support!

๐Ÿ’ซ thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’ซ

baby I’m waiting for you ๐Ÿ’‹

That horrible day you were taken is engraved in my mind … I felt incredibly lost because you’re unique and one of a kind … they themselves should be arrested for that vicious crime …

I was so afraid to be alone … I had to calm down and set the tone … to be an adult more than I’ve ever shown …

it’s been almost two months now with seven more to go … every single day – for us both – I know that time creeps by ever so slow … you’re more precious to me now than you will ever know …

I cannot fathom life without you around, not anymore … Without you here daily creates the horrendous chore … of having to be strong deep down to my souls very core …

Being a grown up is just not my thing … I’ve just had to be since they took you away because you are my king … forever you have the loyality from me that I will bring …

Silent tears threaten to roll down my face … I try wiping them away so there is no trace … I gather myself and stay in my own space …

Away from other couples that argue and complain … I smile to myself, thankful we are not the same … We get along so wonderfully, putting those others to shame …

I will hold on tight and never will I let go … Boo Bear ๐Ÿป this you really need to know … my heart is yours, hold it gently and keep it under control …

Streaks of tears falling fast now, down my cheeks … I look up toward heaven and smile, not feeling so bleak … because God gave me to you and I’m no longer weak …

Seven more months, I would wait on you millions more … There is none like you anywhere, finding you was quite the chore … You are definitely and certainly worth waiting for …

๐Ÿ’‹ thank you for reading, following and commenting ๐Ÿ’‹

๐Ÿ’” mommy dearest ๐Ÿ’”

๐Ÿ’” revised post from mother’s day 2019 ๐Ÿ’”

I couldn’t believe it … when I was first told … the person that raised me was for real is a petty mean troll … She was hateful indeed and there was no doubt … that loathing she did went beyond way up and out … Yet my being raised so out of control … it was the devil from hell that wanted my soul …

Once I knew that she loved to hurt me … she sure did that that to me a lot indeed … On purpose was her pain … aimed directly at my brain … where it was disorderly yet sane … although crazy it caused anxiety in my brain …

For years, I made it my mission that I’d find a way to please … the evil monster she was … while trying to appease … The orders she tried to make me succumb … yet instead she managed to regain control over on one …

She blamed me for several … of covered up wrongs … my hidden disorder playing like an old song … with her look of disgust … that quickly became a must … to settle on down … to calm my fears while crushing my trust …

She hated on me … for many years more…. while telling me I was never going to be any good … that I was brainless and dumb … I was told time and again … I knew better and when … I disagreed with her … it was much to her chagrin …

Feeling ashamed that I was being stupid all over again … I had no real guidance that gave me a start … with me … grasping for instructions on the minute details of her black heart …

Through the cloudy hidden ADHD haze … jumbled and dazed … feeling the hatred from her they should’ve been a crime … for her it’s just in due time … realizing then that she must … not love me … while claiming that I was the one that was acting real bad … yes that had to be me …

I’d feel so bad that I couldn’t be good … this evil woman I’d begun to hate … while I realized that I would never be understood … her knowing that goodness … freely flowed out of me … that depressing blanket of black … hovered above me … while covering up the unimpeachable … just step back, wait and see …

Paralyzing taunts from the evil in her …. that plagued my thoughts … I certainly was not any old amatuer … ONLY WANTING HER TO LOVE ME … all that now thank God is a blur … Yet all I could do then … is pray that everything would be okay … because that’s what she’d prefer …

She turned my sweet … my baby girl … into a mini little “she” … told her fake news all about me … making me want to flee … down these roads why couldn’t she just leave all of this be …

I was slipping away into that cold dark pit – that was harrowing, scary and warm not a bit … why does she kill my dreams which caused me to just quit …

… the fact that I’m really smart … wasn’t very well known to those around me back then – all I wanted in the world was another mom to start … she lied to me not doing her part … countless times which definitely set the pace … it’s set in stone and unfortunately for me … I fell in disgrace … and her presence followed me … lurking all around the place …

she was always telling more lies about me … unforgettable yet still absurd … now as I look back on those shameful days … she remain cold and undeterred … I often never ever heard … the apologies resounding from her frosty cold soul … she’d never give me her word … not would she relinquish her control …

she’s never going to accept me, ever I thought … that I’d never make it back from all of the dark words and shameful taunts that the devil himself made from her lips without being caught …

the evil clinging inside of her brain – is way hotter than hell … I would never be the same … so much confusing chaos … all around her while silently praying but to no avail … she’d go head first … crashing through my many mistakes … on that rocky road from hell … while holding them all not just one … over me with no brakes …

I don’t feel guilty or anything bad … because I’m free to hate her now … for any unpleasantness that narcissists spread … The guilt as the scapegoat almost suffocated me many years ago … from the lies, calling names and with references that I’d been born from down below …

throughout each night all of my life … from daylight to dark … I’d been brought down real low … I should’ve fallen apart …

I craved for her to acknowledge me … for her to be proud … knowing it was doubtful at best .. yet somehow I was made to believe … that there had to be some good in everyone indeed …

narcissists don’t have one ounce of cheer … so now I no longer care if she acknowledged me back then or not … I was completely blown over when shown what she was … that day not very easily forgot …

I learned the hard way that she would never feel love for me or for you … while strolling along in life … Hopelessly … she’d groan causing so much strife … and with pain coming down … directly aimed at my soul … I wasn’t about to let anyone know …

I’m finally free ever since I’ve known what label she supports … masking emotions and things of that sort …

Manipulators and controllers stay busy all about … I tried so long to be a real good girl … there should be no doubt …

I feel as if I’m caught in a bind of chaos inside foggy clouds … I was unable to verbalize my feelings out loud … being locked in my own little world every day … so so quiet … still sensing her hate unmasking when she’d smile at me underneath it was so fake …

I was finally released … from her diabolical mind … my memories from then are ultimately at peace … I would no longer wish for her to be kind …

I rode out the hard pain … that hovered … barely … above me … while having thoughts that I feared that mostly involved you as well as me …

I am finally at the point in my life … I no longer have feelings … not for or about her … and I no longer tolerate any damn strife … I am at peace inside knowing my worth “as it were” …

ยฉchellesrawthoughts

๐Ÿ’” if you or someone you know is a daughter of a narcissistic mother ๐Ÿ’” reach out to them … they need someone to understand them and the depth of their immense emotional pain … because they believe everything is their fault … ๐Ÿ’” when it’s not …

๐Ÿ’” here are some informative and helpful links ๐Ÿ’”

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: A Bond Made of Selfishness and Coldness

Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers

The Incredible Healing Power of Reddit’s ‘RaisedbyNarcissists’ Support Group

Do You Have A Narcissistic Mother?

8 Common, Long-Lasting Effects of Narcissistic Parenting

What happens when you live in the shadow of a narcissistic parent?

The Invisible War Zone: 5 Ways Children Of Narcissistic Parents Self-Destruct In Adulthood

๐Ÿ’” thank you for reading, following and
commenting ๐Ÿ’”