bitCh watCh ouT fOr me …

Why are you attacking me … because you have no damn right … we are aquaintances at best and just to run your mouth about me when you have no fukkkin clue … It’s gonna put you in a fukkkin plight …

When I tell you that your fukkkin with the wrong bitch … That’s an understatement you better heed my words … Because I’m not the one baby girl to mess with like that … you ain’t gonna know which …

Women like you give females a bad name … I will fukkk your world, make you cry and call you out … You have never seen the likes of me and won’t ever see any the same …

You think your cute with your pencil looking ass … I shake my head and laugh out loud because haters are jealous … Wanting to be me instead … smmfh (shaking my MF head) ๐Ÿค”

My name best not flow from your mouth not once more … It’s not a threat it’s a fukkkin promise … I’m not afraid of anyone at all … I have survived bigger and badder than you … you and your life are insignificant with you regarded as small …

You don’t want this bitch inside me unleashed … bet that little girl … I’m not the type for drama or fake ass hoes … No because do or die … I’m gonna live in peace …

It’s time to pray for your emotional well being and your pride … Don’t play dumb it doesn’t suit your look … You started this deciding it was best to talk about me … your stupidity amplified …

Watch over your shoulder … underestimate me if you choose … Better not let your guard drop … I’m giving you the clues …

To stay away from me and my name and my life and my health … all of that need to be away from your lips … Pray hard little girl because I’m old school hood … It’s gonna be a MF trip …

Haters like you make me STRONG … around town your character has been shadowy and wrong … IDC if you like me or not … but bitch when I come for you … imma take away your pride and what little sanity you got …

No threats it’s just true … I knew your true colors would eventually come out … Females like you are a dime a dozen bet that … Now little girl is your time to pout …

I’m damn sure not afraid … even at my age … to fight you like a man … and now I see why you got beat up … you don’t want to Fukkk with me during my rage … bet that – wassup …

Watch for me little girl … I know how to play the violin with my hand … You may need a serenade one night … while you see me circling… causing you to hurl as you sink into the quicksand ….

Beware I’m just fukkkin crazy enough … to fukkk your world and I’m not gonna stop … I’m old school so you will never see … any damn thing that would make me drop …

Bye bye bitch because … your stupidity shows along with your fakeness … What did you expect when all I heard you can do is call the fukkkin laws … I’m cool like that … bringing it to your awareness …

You are trite, bony and just plain mean, talking about me and I’m sure everyone else … Your guy hits you and I now see why … Be concerned with your own overlooked skinny ass health … Don’t you even fukkkin want to know why …

Bye bye bye I’m feeling better than I was … Bitches like you ain’t nothing to me … and that is just because … You ain’t right YET damn I’m free!!!

ยฉchellesrawthoughts

summary
This written after a hater told someone crap about me … When she doesn’t have a clue about me does not know me … because if they tell one person fake crap about you they will tell another the same … She’s disrespectful, weak, cowardly and gonna be bait because I’m gonna take her down it’s in her fate …
๐Ÿ’Thank you for reading commenting and following๐Ÿ™Œ
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rOCk CanDy queen (revised 05-19-19)

Years ago my thoughts go back to the time where she was fun to hang out with at first, that white lady, she knew how to make you feel good and kept you intrigued … while you kept coming back for more …

… she gets more fierce with her touch as time moves on – she has no heart and no soul, yet she can turn your heart away – from yourself and she don’t play – as well as those close to you and she won’t stop until your soul is in chains – clutching you tight – knowing you can’t break free … your stuck outright … in bondage to the queen of rOCk CanDy – the evil white lady indeed …

You will find her dancing with the demons of addiction, heartbreak and pain – you will eventually give in to their strong demands once again – falsely thinking that they accept you – yet really they don’t – that’s just get you hooked and harass you relentlessly – down that vile path, because by then – they are laughing at you – as you realize in horror – that your unable to stop …

Like a robot and a puppet you move to her beat … like a good master – she’s pulls easy then real hard on your strings – while you chase that next hit – as she heartlessly brings – you way down – straight to your knees …

Teasing you mercilessly – is one of her many sick treats … just as that hit that you raced for … finally connects with you … causing you feel such a major relief – yet only to soon …

… you want more and more and still yet more – until she senses your fear, forcing even the devil himself to scream … “go on your worthless just get the hell outta here” – then sadly, as you cower down – what does all of this prove – your wondering, because your still – in the COCAINE mood …

… knowing full well …

… it’s not enough – it’s never enough anymore … your always miserable, sick, scared, depressed, strung out and dazed and by when you think about that cloud of white smoke passing you by … Your body constricts in pain, your brain aches and … with a brutal force that’s dragging you down once again – way lower than you ever wanted to go – to stare straight at the queen of rock candywho is waiting for you to pay what she thinks you owe …

and rOCk CanDy will have no problem – numbing your emotions and your mind … so your aren’t clear enough to make any decisions at all … it’s no wonder that she’s more than a tiny bit surprised …

… when you actually take a stand – against her and she senses your newfound strength – she then squeeze’s your sOuL so hard you can’t breathe …

she’s holding you snug – in her cold yet intriguing hand … “Do you think you can play with me” … she laughs at you instead … she also whispers in your ear that you are a deep down disgrace …

… and once she has your emotions shredded – making you feel quite lost … locked away deep inside – way beyond your sOuL – you tell yourself how stupid it was to let that white bitCh – so deep in your mind …

She will fight you like a man, ultimately kicking your ass – so it may seem – but you Never Give Up as you fight this white cu*t – the infamous and lethal … the rOCk CanDy queen … If you keep fighting and don’t stop – she will weaken her grasp – then you can run away fast and leave ...

… Gradually …

… until one day she will realize that your not worth her time, so she will find another sOuL – that she can take by the hand and lead along the path going straight to that place – that leads right to the front door and straight into hell – introducing them to the white lady – the queen of the rOCk CanDy jaiL …

… sometimes you may fall and stumble around – fall off cliffs and drown – in the turbulent waters racing awayshe’s known to come looking with her tempting SweetS – meant to entice – in case you slip from the path of complete abstinence …
… don’t get discouraged – pick yourself up and dust off the stains – that the queen of rOCk CanDy forcibly made … strive once more until you get it right … don’t ever allow taunts and hurtful words to give you a fight

Relapse just means you won’t stop striving to quit … it’s tough and unfriendly … remember she isn’t going to give up on you … not one bit …

so …

Don’t allow anyone to bring you down with rumors or snobby looks – they don’t have a clue as to what you have been through – with this white lady … who is the rOCk CanDy queen …

ultimately …

… she has a diabolical plan to kill you ...

… dark depression … hateful voices whisper in the wind … evil beings that harass you … they are not your damn friend – beware of your mental health taking a turn … she will scratch and then bite you diminishing you – before you can learn … that this rOCk CanDy queen is a bitCh that stands firm … her job is to jumble your thoughts and make you see through a haze – your vision so distorted any decision will be crazed …

addiCtiOn is only a symptom that masks the underlying root cause … You need to gather all your strength and please take a pause … and …

… you stop being so nice … stop listening to the bitCh … get mad and with all your strength … face your fear and stand up in her face … as you recall all the things she lied about … remember you almost lost your life behind her evil lies …

let that rOCk CanDy bitCh hear you as your screaming at her that “she’s the devil in disguise” … you tell her off and curse her out – just remember who tha fu*k you are … and do yourself a favor start taking a new route …

that leads away from the door – at the entrance of hell – in the opposite direction that I wish I would’ve seen – previously way before that white bitch stole my dream …

… no matter what keep hold your head up high – keep moving forward – find that deep down determination – find out how you can love yourself more – more especially through – the many dark dreary days … that will certainly come …

… and guess what? …

… one day the relapses will halt – soon realizing that she’s FINALLY locked in the past … don’t let her define you – people will talk, scorn and laugh …
just you hold fast to the dream and remember the pain when she took away all those many years away from your life … don’t stop keep going – your doing just fine … give yourself a smile because once and for all … finaLLy you managed to beat that damn queen – the white lady who still claims that …

… she’s the rOCk CanDy queen …

Keep holding your head high because only you know what the hell it took – to finally lose that white bitch for good – never again will you see … Years down the road …

That white lady looking for you, not even in a dream …

๐Ÿ˜Š My addiction to rOCk CanDy cost me nearly every damn thing I had … It’s been a bittersweet journey after turning away from the front door of hell … If you are an addict – using ANY drug that’s taken over your life REACH OUT because I want you to know this: I saw a level of addiction that most hard core addicts don’t see and they don’t know exists – you do NOT want to be there because the only way out … if you stay in defeat … is going to be a horribly long life behind bars or worse – Death is waiting to take you to the front door that leads into hell so you can hang out with the devil himself … you are NOT – trust me – your not ready for that …

Here are some really good places to contact if you feel the way I described in my poSt ...

National drug helpline website

National Drug Abuse Hotline Numbers: Free Addiction Help 24/7

National Suicide Prevention website and toll free #

LIKE my FB page ~
๐Ÿ’™ Stepping into recovery with Jesus

๐Ÿ˜ŠThank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ˜

What makes someone who has an ugly and hateful heart ๐Ÿ’“ tick?

Most people love me or they hate me. I could care less, but I wasn’t always so nonchalant.ย  I don’t really like most people, in general, because the majority are not real and use people to get what they want. They put good people down and lie about them to take the focus off themselves and what no good they are up to. I speak, of course, from my own experiences.

People that stoop to those levels do not care who gets hurt in the process as long they get they want and they could care less.

What makes someone that is that ugly and hateful inside tick?

I believe the evil that lies inside those type of people feed off the good hearted human beings like I described.

I also don’t want to hear that they were abused as a child or that they were hurt by the opposite sex and that is what makes them have an ugly heart. I was abused as a child and I am also a SURVIVOR of domestic violence.ย  I’m not that way. I’ve know people that had similar things happen and they didn’t turn out like that! Being abused is no excuse for bad behavior.

There is something evil inside of them anyway for them to hurt others andย  then say they hurt people because they were abused. That’s crap, because they would have been hateful and hurt those people if they’d never been abused, why?ย  Because it’s in their very character. You either have that inside you or you don’t.

The excuse of abuse just takes the responsibility off their shoulders. They are cowards who blame others their shortcomings. That’s what gets my blood boiling!

What also gets me angry is that those evil no goods act like they have a God given right to treat people any way they choose.ย Wtf is that? That is laughable but it’s true and it how dare they!

THEY DON’T HAVE THAT RIGHT!

It’s not okay!

It’s up to us (the people they may target) …

… TO NOT ALLOW anyone to treat us with disrespect.ย 

I have zero tolerance for those type of people. What is the purpose of their existence? Nasty people like that, the ones they show no compassion for others orย  don’t seem to care about others is truly a disgusting as well as PITIFUL site.

MOST GET MAD WHEN YOU CALL THEM PITIFUL OR INSIGNIFICANT.ย 

It is almost humorous, if it wasn’t so damn sad.

No matter how someone looks on the outside, that black heart is enough to make them unattractive and ugly, indeed.

I once thought that everyone thought with the same heart that I did.ย 

Boy, WAS I WRONG!

Not everyone has the same heart I do and that was an extremely hard lesson for me to learn. I thought just because I wouldn’t never screw someone over to hurt them like that but I thought everyone else thought the same way but they don’t!

Judgmental people have ugly hearts, as do abusers, control freaks, unhappy people and the list could go on.

Narcissistic tendencies and behavior, arrogant attitudes and no compassion for others are KEY attributes to one with an ugly heart. As far as I’m concerned, anyone that has a heart that is that unattractive, is evil.ย 

Some more than others, but anyone that will hurt someone else ON PURPOSE is evil any which way you look at it!

It blows my mind that most people these days, seem to have nasty hearts and they hurt others on purpose.ย I just don’t “get” that mindset.ย  They seem to get by with it and I just don’t “get” that, either.

In summary, I just don’t understand anyone that enjoys making others hurt and suffer ~ DO YOU?

I eventually learned how to decipher fake from real.

Time will tell because a person cannot fake being something they aren’t, not for long anyway.ย  They are going to slip up, no doubt about it. Women are more likely to slip up than men, in my opinion. Women are led by emotions, men are not.

PAY ATTENTION … To what your gut tells you inside.

One thing you can bet money on is that they can’t fake it for to long, until their true character appears. Just be patient.

It’s just a matter of WHEN?ย 

I’ve observed that true personalities SHINE THROUGH within three months and take no longer than six months, generally speaking.ย 

However, I’ve known someย  that have taken up to a year before their trueness showed through. Those are the exceptions to the rule.

Those are the ones that you don’t expect and because of that, you end up getting hurt worse.

… Real people recognize other real people and they also recognize who’s NOT real.

It’s a shame, but use caution when meeting someone for the first time. Whether it’s a potential friend or lover, don’t let them fully “in” until at least 3 months have passed. You think your being mean because of that ~ no, you are protecting yourself.

Being able to discern through to people’s true nature is a gift as well as an acquired and learned ability.ย 

It’s actually learned through hard core life situations.ย  It is not something you just automatically know nor is it for the weak minded individual.ย 

Only the strong will survive โœ‹

Have you ever wondered what goes through someone’s mind when they intentionally use and hurt people?

How do they justify it within themselves to make someone’s life miserable – ON PURPOSE – even if just for a moment?

I’m sure it’s because they are miserable within themselves and their own life, which makes them yearn to bring others down around them. They cannot stand to see others around them happy.

Like the cowards they are, with the games they playโœŒ๏ธ they could really push a weaker minded individual over the edge! Big bully’s is are all they are and it’s NOT attractive.

I had to really push through things life threw at me and I did it without making others cry. I never hurt someone on purpose, even when they hurt me.ย  It’s just not me. I have a heart.

Are ugly hearts really that delusional and arrogant to think it’s truly okay to bring others to their knees?

They are disgusting individuals, the cockroaches of society is the perfect description.

Weaklings, because they hide behind and hurt real people with big hearts in order to blend in and to make themselves feel like they are somebody.ย 

They really are transparent when you become gifted in discerning their true nature.

Transparency at it finest ~

They feast on,

people that are going through hard times, weighed down by the weight of their circumstances.

The weak scaredey cats feed on those unfortunate ones and then dive in for the kill. I hate someone being a bully.

That truly pisses me off. I’ve been the victim in something similar before, a few times in my life and it makes my blood boil to see someone being manipulated in that fashion.

Cowards have radar for weakness and they use it to zone in on those that have some weakness BUT it’s not your fault if you fall for their lies ~ the first time! It takes getting burned a few times before you get good at spoting those types when you first met them.ย 

How are you supposed to automatically know, unless your told or shown? I had to learn the hard way, no one gave me a heads up ๐Ÿ˜ž

Hold you head up ~ just proceed with caution.ย 

That’s why I get so upset.ย  Those big fast babies won’t pick on an individual that stands up to them.ย 

Once I began to stand up to these types, their bark is noticably worse than their bite.

I eventually learned how to take those losers down. I will stand up to them now with no problem.ย 

I’m no longer afraid of those with hateful and ugly hearts that hurt on purpose.

My question remains though ~ why do people walk around on eggshells around those type of folks?

They need to be held accountable for their hideous actions, in my opinion and I will call them out on their shit. They hate that and use righteous indignation when you do but I see right through that,

… FINALLY …

Experience leads you to knowledge which gives you the courage and righteous anger with meekness to stand up to them.

Anger is needed to give you the boost to say something to them.ย  Use your righteous anger and meekness does not mean weak like most think.ย  Meekness means …

… STRENGTH UNDER CONTROL

You will also learn to listen and recognize your gut feeling on any individual orย  situation.

REMEMBER THIS:ย  Your gut feeling will NEVER lie to you.

I have never understood the mentality of Stupidity that enjoys causing emotional pain on purpose. What kind of sick freak does that?

There is just no valid reason for anyone to be hateful and mean toward someone else hurting them simply because they feel the need to in order to feel better about themselves.ย 

Kindness costs nothing and it’s positive, and causes less wrinkles and it’s contagious!

Kindness given to someone makes them happy and in turn it makes that person want to show kindness to someone else!

Be kind to someone today!

๐Ÿ’™ Thank you for reading, commenting, and following ๐Ÿ’š

๐Ÿ’„ COMPLETELY ME ๐Ÿ‘ 

People mistakingly believe ~ thinking they know me, because of what I show ~ it has to be true ~ they love to gossip and make fun … while passing judgement on what they see and think they know ~ but all they REALLY know, is what I show … because BITCHES I’m in control …

I’m so much more than they can see … Never can I allow them to see …

COMPLETELY ME …

I made the mistake, when I was so young ~ to trust a little to easily … I learned quite fast that people suck ~ that’s why there’s but one that cared enough for me ~ to go through the darkness and slay the dragons for me

So ~ he’s the only one I show the real me … Because always with him I’m

COMPLETELY ME …

It pains me deep inside that some see me ONLY as a bitch, a slut, no good, lazy, stupid, a problem, a burden or they think I just don’t care

When …

All I do is care. Not what people think so much, but care that I’m seen for MY heart, not MY mistakes …

I cared to much and years ago that almost broke my soul,

And still now … I care … But the hardness I learned to use to cover it up … Masks me now, so … THEY CAN NEVER SEE …

COMPLETELY ME …

I was hurt to much, by fake souls acting like they should be close to me. They ruined it for all, with one exception you see ~ my tough exterior will never show them what I don’t want them to see ~ because all they will ever be allowed to see, is what I show … because BITCHES I’m in control!

They don’t have permission to see, the complete me or the me I was always supposed to be. I’m NOT GOING TO ALLOW THEM ~ TO HURT ANYMORE OF ME ๐Ÿ‘  There’s only one allowed inside of me ~ just so he can see and that’s my soulmate that’s free ~ free to see EVERY part of me ~ because always with him I’m

COMPLETELY ME!

The hard exterior I aquired, in order to be, came at a heavy price you see, so the softness inside … could not be crushed one more time.

Because, I only show them what I want them to see …

Because I’m so much more than anyone is allowed to see … They do not deserve to see … the me I was supposed to be … it’s all about him being able to see … Because always with him I’m

COMPLETELY ME …

Not many have made it past the hardness that’s shielding me ~ only a handful in reality ~ because only a few deserved to remain with me ~ because they can hang with me ~ be loyal to me and those who can’t … Who can never see ~ the me I was always supposed to be? The main population indeed was never going to deserve ~

COMPLETELY ME!

I can be sensitive, sweet, stubborn, goofy, quick to forgive, discerning, and even sometimes afraid. The last few came with time and deep pain …

Shouldn’t I show only certain parts of me, that the hardness hides of me? But it won’t change the fact ~ that I won’t allow any to see … The me that I was supposed to be …

But ~ always with him I’m

… completely me

Others see bits of what I permit them to see. So, call me names or talk bad about me because although I do care ~ never will you see, the reality of me … To be able to get past and inside of me because there is only that one ~ that is free to see ~ because always with him I’m …

COMPLETELY ME …

THERE’S JUST SO MUCH MORE TO ME THAN I ALLOW ANYONE TO SEE …

Only my best friend and beyond is free ~ to hang with me …

People pretend to care and it’s plain to me ~ it’s for vicious reasons you see ~

That no one cares

because of greed and jealousy ~ however in reality ~ no one really cares about you nor do they care about me … unless by magic and grace the true angels appear …

Those precious few that stick close, are the ones that you don’t have to fear and you shall allow them to be ~ keepers of the keys to your soul indeed ~ so the the fake ones won’t see ~ so never again will you show anyone but him … Because

Always with him I’m …

COMPLETELY ME …

Those angels are rare … Don’t let them go, hold onto them tightly ~ Mine are precious to me ~ my angels … They are down for me ~ Those angels are very few you see and there’s only one that can ever see.

Completely me …

If you don’t know me ~ and all you see, is a mask hiding a big part of me … Don’t be surprised because indeed you won’t need ~ to actually see ~ the me that I’m supposed to be.

Once you care enough to climb over my walls and dig in with me, I’m loyal to mine, and when they’re loyal to me …

That’s when they will see, completely ME.

๐Ÿ‘“ This post touches on people’s hurts and the walls they put up after being hurt, whether it’s emotionally or physically ~ when this happens they usually shut everyone out, especially if they have been hurt time and again, but if they are blessed, they have that one person who they let in … A lover, friend, sibling, etc … In my case, it is my best friend and beyond ~ my soulmate … I hope this brings hope that even though people suck … Don’t give up on finding one that you can 100% trust.

LIKE my fb page dedicated to my BEST FRIEND AND BEYOND (because he’s beyond a best friend with benefits)

๐Ÿ’™ Thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’œ

ZERO tolerance for STUPIDITY

I’m pretty sure that the devil singles me out, knowing drama will follow me, no matter how much I try to stay away from it.

I’m a Christian, though backslidden, thru and thru … However, know this: I love Jesus with my whole heart … they don’t know me … But He does …

Why do they hate on me? They are jealous He tells me. Of my little bit of nothing? God says, no, they are jealous of your heart.

Your told to show His love, but human we are, and I don’t believe the God I know, will blame me for protecting myself … Again from poison,

rebel flag, unattractive, racist, ugly people that have insecurity issues

… think that they can talk to souls any way they choose … I’m here to tell him, it’s not okay … Not with me anyway.

Hurting people, hurt people, because they think the world owes them. They are weak minded individuals, but yes they all deserve love.
Not from me however, because I’m here to put that lie to to rest, chuckling inside knowing the world doesn’t owe anyone anything!

Those are no good, greedy, know it all’s, that know nothing at all, but how to put people down in order to make themselves feel good.

Weak ~ amusing ~ pitiful

“Lol” to myself,

They are so pitiful and sad to me, but karma will have hers … Inevitably, so if you can ~ hold on and watch …

They will hang themselves … stand up to them, never back down and that right there will scare them seriously all around.
I wish they could see how ugly they are inside, and did I mention pitiful?

Cut all ties, because toxic is poison, to the gentler ones with big hearts, also tough on the outside, yet so fragile on the inside.

Take a deep breath and tell yourself ~ you are worth it and you will get through this because you have no other option.

Never let them see you sweat,

… BUT …

Take notes and know that they are INSIGNIFICANT in your life, they deserve no kindness from you (others can minister to this one), because that’s what I gave and that turned them against me,

Insecurity is evident … You can’t be nice to the deviled souls.

Watch them, you scare them and, in turn, they are trying to fake you out.

Listen to your gut, IT WILL NEVER LIE. TRUST YOU.

NEVER THEM.

You don’t need to be accepted by trolls such as that. You shouldn’t want to be nice to rats …

Hold your head up and remember,

ZERO tolerance for STUPIDITY …

.. your better than that ..

โค๏ธ Thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’š

…. 5 ways to wait positively, while hoping to be noticed in the writing world …

Waiting, as a writer, to get noticed or to land a writing position is painstakingly hard as well as slow, when your new and trying to make a name for yourself and having little or no experience under your belt. You just know that is your passion.

There is a lot of work that goes along with getting yourself “out there” for a company or someone in authority to see your writing passion and skills. You need to build a portfolio of writings and this takes time. That’s why I started my blog, that and I had hoped to learn how to make money with it as well.

You may apply for 1,000+ jobs and get nothing. You may get a few these I received,

… “Dear Melodie M, Thank you for your application regarding a freelance writing position. After further review of your credentials, we will not be moving forward with the hiring process at this time” … Blah, blah, blah …

All these things together will put you into a funk and there are five crucial ways that you can stay positive while you are waiting!!!

I get on a roll and write two or three blog posts and then nothing for over a week . Anyone else have this problem?

I’ve applied for at least thirty remote jobs in one day for every day these past two months. I’m determined and I’m not stopping until I land one.

However, it gets so crazy, once you have done this every single day for two months without stopping, it completely wears on your nerves. Applying, rewording your letters and bio, rewording your resume, creating numerous profiles on websites that employers go to when they are looking to hire writers, it gets old and making all those profiles and applying daily with no reply or only receiving refusals, doesn’t have a very positive effect on you, I know!

It’s work to remain positive and to keep that passion burning bright!

But you can’t give up, and here are some ways I try to stay positive through those dark times:

1) One way to wait is not to get mad at yourself if your not writing at the moment. Don’t beat yourself up about not publishing or starting a blog post. Just accept that and allow yourself to relax and do things you may not do when your at the top of your writing game. I know I love to play Words With Friends because it stimulates my mind yet relaxes it as well. Don’t feel guilty just enjoy it! Allowing yourself to just relax is a big deal, so do it!

2) If your like me and seeing double letters on a page, you seriously need to tear yourself away from anything having to do with writing and job seeking. Spending time with friends and family is a positive way to spend your waiting time. Go out to lunch, go get your nails done, go to park or hang at home. The world will not end if you take a couple of days off from writing and/or applying from writing jobs.

3) Do something you haven’t done before! Take a hike, visit a new place, try out some new intimate things with your partner or just take a nap! Doing something you normally don’t do will help you while your waiting and it won’t seem like tedious work when you return to it!

4) Help others while your waiting. This is a sure fire way to get your mind off YOU.

You can also continue this when your sending out resumes and writing your next blog post! Helping others ALWAYS helps us inside as well! It’s a win-win situation!

5) If writing is your passion, like it is mine, then take time while your waiting to mentally prepare for when you return writing. Maybe your getting tired of it, maybe it’s getting to be to much! Writing and sending out applications and tweaking your resume are perilous duties when your downcast. So pep yourself up, give yourself a pep talk. Remind yourself why you love to write in the first place! If your mentally prepared for this, then you can change your feelings and stop feeling so downcast about it!

Positive thinking is the basis of these tips.

It does work because it has worked for me in the past. It takes a lot of mind power and control but it CAN be done if your determined enough.

Those are my little ways of breaking through the drudgery while breaking into a writing career. It is not for the weak of heart that’s for sure!

Keep doing it until you get what you want!

๐Ÿ’™ Thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’œ

WTF

What makes some people disrespect OTHER people, for no substantial reason? Have you ever wondered that?

Well I certainly have, especially now because I’m experiencing an outright disrespectful person in my own life. He’s almost to the point of graduating from verbal to physical abuse, in my opinion.

This specific person in my life is completely disrespectful to me, constantly. This person blatantly disrespects me, as if he owns me.

He is close to me in proximity so I won’t disclose his name. This man has yelled at me, gotten right up close and personal and in my face more than once, and I don’t know the reason behind that hatred toward me.

I was told it was because of the fact that I have dated outside of my race (remember, I’m in the Bible belt), and he didn’t like that. It is none of his business who I date, period. I could day the same thing about him, that I didn’t respect him for being in prison for murder for most of his adult life. I’m not one to hold anyone’s past in their face, but don’t think I won’t say something if the opening is there.

Racism is dominant in most of areas here in East Texas, some more than others.

That can’t; however, be the entire truth about his reason because I know a friend of theirs and she has also dated black men before. He doesn’t treat her that way, he’s usually in a good mood around her.

No, he verbally attacks his adult daughter and me. Why, I have no clue, but he regularly pounces on us for no reason. There is NEVER a good reason to verbally abuse and attack someone. You can get your point across much better in a calm discussion.

People that are that hateful are pitiful in my eyes, especially when they do absolutely nothing to change themselves. It shows what a coward they are and how weak they are as well.

I do my best to ignore him, but it’s difficult when he’s in my face screaming as loud as he can. There is no sense in all that stupidity, yet he clings to it like it’s his life preserver.

Last night he did it again. It’s like he senses some weakness inside of me and he pounces and attacks verbally.

He’s actually pulled a chair out from under me and while I was in the process of trying to get up and away from him, he pulled it and my back was twisted pretty bad. I have a blog post written about that very incident.

So yes, I’m more than a little pissed off that people on that level actually think they can disrespect me and I’m just going to allow it. Has he lost his mind?

Your probably wondering why I haven’t gone off on him yet? His wife is a dear and precious gift to me and I wouldn’t disrespect her for the world. In my opinion, if I were to lower myself to ball him out, it would disrespect her. I’m old school and I don’t deal with people on that level. I’m not one to do that. If I don’t have anything else, I have my good and loyal character and I intend on keeping it.

Character shows what you do when no one is looking. Would you do the right thing? For example: if you wanted to cheat on your partner with someone, would you do it if no one found out about it? That shows a bad character.

Those are the type of people that you cannot trust. There is no way I would cheat on my man even if no one found out about it because I would know about it. Plus, I respect him and our relationship a lot more than that. I’m better than that. I also don’t want bad karma in my life. What you put out comes right back to you, and I only want to put good stuff out there. I’m above this petty man.

This man however, I feel is potentially dangerous and it’s only a matter of time before he loses control altogether and hurts someone. I don’t want that someone to be me. People like that don’t stop, they just get worse.

I’m worried for his daughter and his wife because his wife will protect their daughter before she let’s their daughter get hurt. I’m afraid if that happens, she will get hurt in the process.

Like I said, it’s only a matter of time. He’s a ticking time bomb at present. I’ve told her that but she won’t listen because he’s getting counseling. In her mind, he’s trying but outwardly he is just the same. Bless her heart, she’s in denial and I can’t get through to her.

People like him ALWAYS get caught because they are deceitful, liars, con artists and furthermore they do not care about anyone, not even themselves. If a person loved themself, they couldn’t be screaming at another person in anger. There’s no way, so it obvious he hates himself. I know the sights because I hated myself for the longest. Even do, I never treated anyone in this horrible way.

I know this, I’m a SURVIVOR of domestic violence. My ex and I used to physically fight and I lost everytime. A woman is just not made to win a fight with a man, unless she has a weapon. I’m not willing to go to jail for the rest of my golden years for hurting this man, so I show on the outside that he’s not bothering me. I keep a straight face but I’m boiling inside at this vermin.

However, that’s getting old as well, so pray for me, because I’m planning on having a heart to heart talk with his wife within the next couple days.

I said all of that to say this. I hope this shows y’all how it makes someone feel if they are being disrespected. So, if you are reading this and are verbally abusing someone, STOP. STOP killing them with screams and making them feel as if they don’t matter and don’t exist. Also, STOP yelling at people for no f’ing reason furthermore, there is NO good reason to yell at your partners friend, UNLESS your disrespected first. I have never done anything but show this man respect, as God is my witness, I mean that from my heart.

If your experiencing this type of treatment (from your partner, neighbor, friend, etc…) like I’ve described, then please reach out to someone because it is considered DV abuse.

So, in order to STOP feeling like a piece of crap and to STOP feeling like I don’t exist – I write. I also inwardly concentrate as hard as I can, while telling myself that I DO matter!

It took me a very long time to feel that way and I’m not going to let anyone abuse me again. I mean that!

I tell myself that through my tears when I’m upset at this horrible person, because he’s not a man. A REAL man would not act in such a way.

I give myself pep talks all the time, just to keep myself from falling in that hideous trap of lying thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it works and the black hole doesn’t devour me, other times I just have to ride it out.

This last post I wrote will give you insight to that black hole. I suffer from unmedicated adult ADHD and the stress associated from this person is magnified by five hundred in my head, when he’s throwing his anger around. Especially so, when my dark ADHD thoughts come pouring in like a flood.

There’s going to come a time where I am fed up and I go off on him.

Would y’all blame me? I’d really like your thoughts on this!

There’s got to be a way that I can get through to him to stop f’ing doing this to me. I mean who the hell does he think he is to feel that he has a special priveledge of attacking me verbally any time he f’ing wants to?

WTF DO I DO?

Does anyone out there understand where I’m coming from?

Comments welcomed!

โค๏ธ Similar blog post here!

๐Ÿ’™LIKE my fb page that focuses on DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. โค๏ธWe offer encouragement, local resource information for their area, emotional support, and we help them get in touch with the DV HOTLINE to talk confidentiality to find a safe plan for them to leave (if it’s a partner, if it’s a neighbor like I’ve described, there may be other action you can take)

๐Ÿ’šDOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE NUMBER ~ 1-800-799-7233

1-800-799-SAFE

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๐Ÿ’™ Thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’š

my SouL cries ๐Ÿ’™ ~~~ MY STORY (part one of three)

My kids are grown now, and they each took a piece of my heart that will forever belong to them. I long to see their faces and spend time with them and their families. I think of that constantly and that is my “wishing dream”.

I’m writing this to let my kids know exactly how much they meant to me and HOW DEEPLY I LOVED THEM, THEN AND NOW, even when I was living through some of the harder times in my life and had no clue what I was doing. When my actions screamed “I’m a bad parent” … My heart screamed back, “I loved you still”.

There was NEVER a time that I didn’t love you. I had such high hopes of being the best parent ever when I was a little girl dreaming of a family, but that was never realized for either one of you kids and for that I’m sorry.

I loved my children FIERCELY, as I do today. I always have and I always will. I ache for them daily and it is my soul cry to see them and hold them once more.

It was my dream to be able to be a great grandmother (Momo) but that was viciously taken away from me years ago with nothing but the silent treatment ever since.

That in itself was a form of abuse (called grandparent alienation) so I guess my daughter is getting me back, using her children to do so. There is nothing right about that, any way you flip it.

I’m 55 now and a SURVIVOR of addiction, as well as a survivor of domestic violence, and a lifetime sufferer of ADHD. I say “sufferer” because it still remains undiagnosed and untreated to this very day. But even though it is undiagnosed, that doesn’t stop it from making you suffer.

I was never the best parent, it’s a classic symptom of adult ADHD (esp unmedicated), but there is also one thing that you must know.

This is one thing I must get written down so that my children will read this and see my heart.

I always loved my babies, with every single piece of my heart and soul.

I grieve for them in my life, especially in the present tense. I made a lot of mistakes and bad decisions but they were my pride and joy. They were the only two things I ever did right.

I was just not guided correctly period and I just didn’t have a clue on how to show them. It’s NO excuse, it’s just true ๐Ÿ˜ž I just never knew how to be a mother, pain and simple. I really didn’t know how to be a person either.

… It is what it is …

I take full responsibility of all my wrongs, but those wrongs were caused mostly by an unrecognized disorder coupled with being raised by a narcissistic monster. This unrecognized disorder was the underlying culprit that caused a domino effect of events and decisions to unfold in my life, and with a tornado of people left in it’s wake.

I’m not using this disorder as an EXCUSE by any means; however, it was the reason things went in the direction they did. The beginning of the domino effect, if you will!

Because of this disorder, my thoughts were completely distorted and all over the place. It was hard to know which thoughts were mine or not.

The intense insecurities I felt were off the chain, along with major anxiety and the poor life coping skills I displayed. I had no real life skills to be a valuable person in society at all. At least that what I was told, especially by my mother.

Let me also get this straight. I’m NOT writing this to bash my mother. I do have to say this though, if she was ashamed of how she treated me and didn’t ever want it “out there”, she wouldn’t have done it. She was an adult so she knew what she was doing (according to her) and I knew nothing.

I can’t tell the story and leave her part out because each piece of this story, made me who I am today. I fought VERY hard to become her. Again…..

… It is what it is …

So, when I made life decisions during these times, they were made from a very clouded and distorted viewpoint.

Does this make any sense?

I wish someone would have stopped me from making wrong decisions. Problem is, I probably wouldn’t have listened even if they would have. I’m sure my dad and friends may have tried to but I was so out of it, with this disorder taking over my whole life. I refused to listen to anyone and also I hated everyone at the time, but worse, I hated myself as well. I felt if you weren’t helping me, you were against me. It seemed then, that no one at all, was helping me. I always felt very alone and sad as a child.

Most normal young people are rebellious to a degree anyway, so you can imagine how much worse a young teenager (that suffers from a crippling mental disorder that no one was aware of at that time) could be? I see it all clearly now, looking back …

LOVE would have easily made me a different person, I see that in hindsight!

Oh, I wish that someone would have seen the symptoms in me back then. But ADHD, when I was a teenager was unheard of. That didn’t stop it from devouring me emotionally.

… But no one seemed to see me struggle ...

This is where my memory fades from the timeline. (Yet another symptom of adult ADHD)

My parents thought I was just making excuses for my grades or mistakes when I forgot something or acted up due to what was blowing up in my head or just got in trouble for.

They labeled me rebellious, lazy and selfish and I was told I couldn’t possibly care about them or myself either or else I would “stop this craziness right away”.

I knew it wasn’t true, because I wanted so bad to be loved by them and to show them I could love them and be good at the same time. I did love them but they couldn’t see that through my emotional shortcomings.

Sadly, I’d failed, time and again, to “show them” with my actions. In their minds, knowing they had discussed my behavior with me, and NOT being able to see a change in me (for the better) it was automatically assumed that just I didn’t care.

This was sooooo far from the truth. I wanted so much to love them and be loved by them but I felt like they looked at me with so much disgust (in my distorted mind that’s how I perceived them looking at me) that I would eventually stop trying, altogether.

I always knew my Dad wanted me when I was adopted, but did he love me? I wonder that now because he allowed my mother to much freedom when it came to me. He was her “flying monkey”. A “flying monkey” is someone the narcissist recruits as a sidekick. They are just as guilty of inflicting abuse as the monster narcissist is because they watch it happen and do NOTHING about it.

I never questioned his love for me until recently, after I found the Facebook group for adult daughters of emotional abuse Narcissist mother’s. My mother never wanted a child in the first place. This was told to me more than once by different family members. She never loved me and I knew that without being told. I realized my dad could not have loved me or he would have done something to have stopped my mother for emotionally demolishing me. That was a hard pill for me to swallow because my dad was my hero, until I learned all this. He was no one’s hero. He helped her get away with everything.

A kid can feel love and they can also feel it when you don’t love them.

She would forever tell me things like, “your not going to amount to anything when you grow up”… and similar things that no child should hear from a parent.

She told me things that probably should have broken me, but didn’t.

I tried even harder to please her, but I never quite did. To this very day, I have never pleased my narcissist mother. They cannot change and it’s all on them. I’m the research queen, believe me, so I’ve learned A LOT about Narcissist mother’s recently. Once I knew her evil had a name, that is. I finally stopped trying to please her when I was around 47-48 years old. I had worn myself out all these years trying to please her, so she would love me. That is a shame ๐Ÿ˜ž

I used to hope that I would learn that she was abused or something as a child and that would explain her abusive behavior towards me. But all I learned was that she knew how she treated me and others and didn’t care because her personality disorder was in shambles and could not be fixed.

She just made my childhood a lot harder to deal with.

(Let me say I do not blame her for any bad decisions I made because of her negative contribution in my life. I take full responsibility for all the wrong things I did)

In my mind, I was a huge disappointment to them (her mainly), so I actually hated myself for the longest time. I actually felt that I was completely stupid or I would have done better and therefore, they would have loved me.

I became pregnant with my daughter at 20 years old and I was so excited and nervous at the same time because I wanted soooo very much to be a good mother.

That was the burning desire of my heart at the time.

I had no clue how to be a good mother because I didn’t have the best role model and I certainly did not want to be a mother like mine was to me.

Of course, I was considered to be a heathen and/or slut at this time because my mom, this time joined by my dad, never hesitated to tell me how disappointing I was to God and to them. She would even throw my grandmother’s name in there telling me how disappointed she would have been in me pregnant and unmarried. My grandmother was my world as a child, she passed away when I was only 13. My mother knew that she would crush my heart with those words. That is exactly why she said that to me. Evil.

*Our family were not regular church goers but they held fast to those same beliefs. They were right beliefs but they had left out the love of God and forgiveness of Him out of things when pointing fingers at me. I went through life thinking God was a huge man that was always disappointed with me.
Think about it, that’s a HARD load to carry as a young child.

Once my beautiful little girl was born, I was determined to be the best Mommy ever.

… That was short lived …

My mother began telling me from day one after my daughter’s birth, that I was a bad mother and that I was doing everything wrong and I no clue as to what I was doing. You name it, if it was negative to me about my MOTHERING skills, she said it. Of course she watched what she said when my Dad was around.

She would then keep her opinion to herself, for the most part because of Dad. Regardless, I could always feel her disdain and her critical eyes watching me like a hawk, waiting on me to enevitably mess up. Thanks to her telling my dad who knows what about me, he looked at me with that same disdained looked. He didn’t help me or stand up for me. She had her narcissistic claws in him then.

Especially, if we were somewhere visiting, like my cousins, for example. She always embarrassed me in front of them somehow, like clockwork.

I thought it was

because I was deserving of it. I can’t make myself remember what emotion I was feeling when she did those things to me. I have blocked a lot of those feelings out. I remember what happened but the emotions that went along with those times, are gone. I feel more that they were to traumatic for me to remember, even now. I just know it was sad, but I remember thinking then, it went way deeper than that.

She usually didn’t have to wait long for me to “mess up”.

She wasn’t physically harmful to me, but for the mind, will and emotions, she was indeed dangerous. One incident stands out in my memory. It was the closest she ever came to physically abusing me. I was around 11 when this happened. I was a bed wetter from as far back as I can remember until the age of 12. One morning I remember getting up and my stomach dropped with the realization that I had wet the bed sometime that night. Inwardly I was scared of what Mom would say. She picked that time to come in my room and she automatically knew what I had done in my sleep the night before because she could smell it. She was instantly angry and she charged at me and grabbed me by the hair and shoved my face down in the wet sheets. She was smearing my face in the urine soaked covers, similar, I guess, to how you would rub your dogs nose in it’s accidents. This happened so fast and came completely out of the blue. She took me totally by surprise because she’s normally not physical with me. I could never describe the feeling I had during her outrage but I felt like I disappeared and remember it felt like it was happening to someone else. I shudder at what that monster did to that little girl that day because inside something was different, it was like something broke inside of me or detached. I remember that because after it was all over, somehow I knew that I would never be the same, I just knew it even as a young child.

Her negative treatment of me just escalated and magnified the already present underlying problem of the ADHD I was suffering from, although still no one knew it at the time.

Her negativity caused more anxiety, which triggered the ADHD problem more than ever and the war was on once again, in my head.

Stress is no good for anyone suffering from ADHD, especially a child whose personality was in the process of forming or a young woman’s who was already quite sensitive in becoming a new mother.

Moving ahead a couple of years to after I left my daughter’s father, I moved in with my parents to get on my feet. We later moved to Houston, because my Dad found work there, and I needed work as well. Our small hometown did not have a lot of jobs. I found work fast and I also made some friends. I was “seemingly normal”, I guess, but I was never happy especially under the eagle eye of my mother.

I eventually went to business college for a word processing course in 1990-1991 while working two jobs. I would go out with my friends on weekends. I would take my daughter out with me a lot of the time because my mother would complain that I was irresponsible. (I actually was irresponsible because of low self esteem and low self worth due to unrecognized ADHD symptoms. My thoughts were not usually my own and it was very confusing to me … and the emotional abusive words my mother would throw at me),

I felt like damaged goods…

I just had no clue how to interact properly with people and how to essentially, be a mature young and grown up person that I was expected to be. I’d had no guidance whatsoever. It was so painful, I recall, looking back with tears in my eyes!

Now I need to make one other thing clear …

I keep saying it because I’m afraid my daughter will freak out and never speak to me again after I publish this. This is why I called and spoke to my oldest best friend, Sarah about it … She said to write and publish it for me and to hell with what anyone else thought. My daughter hasn’t spoken to me since I’ve come to Longview, Texas to live anyway. She’s kept my grandkids from me as if I were poison.

This comes back to haunt me more time than I tell you…My mother swore to me years ago with a vicious voice, when my daughter was a young girl, that she would turn my daughter against me one day ~ and she finally did ๐Ÿ˜ญ

My baby girl will think I’m looking for pity writing this and I’m not. She will think it is for attention and it’s not. I’ve had all the attention I have ever wanted but didn’t need in my life up until this point. No, I’m not writing it for any of those selfish reasons ~ God knows my heart ๐Ÿ’“ so I have His back up on that being true. I’m not one to say that type of thing flippantly (about God because I know God is God and He is real and His son Jesus is my Lord and savior) I respect God, although for years I rebelled against Him. I promise to God that I’m only writing this to help someone who will need it later on, for my healing and for my voice to be heard because it was always shushed. Nobody’s shushing me now. What I went through and felt all these years matter. I matter and I deserve to be heard and taken seriously. I’m not a joke. The only ones who would possibly have a problem with MY STORY are the ones who were trying to keep me shushed. As long as I was shushed, they could keep blaming me for things not in my control and the lies they were told could be considered truth.

I’m writing this so my children will know, that despite all I’ve gone through, I have loved them with every single fiber of my being.

This is also important to me that my kids hear my story from me and no one else.

I’m not blaming anyone for anything other than what is their due and I’m not writing this to bash my mother. She’s insignificant to me and to my life now. The world no longer revolves around her and I will break the silence. She’s still alive and can defend herself if she so chooses. I forgave her long ago because if I wanted to move forward in life, I had to forgive her. It’s no longer about her but it’s about me for once. I’m no longer her victim, i am a SURVIVOR! I have just now met some precious women, all ages and nationalities, and they are all women of emotionally abusive (Narcissist) mother’s. When I found that small closed group in Facebook I immediately requested to join. I found out that I was not alone. It blew my mind because I thought no one had a mother like mine. Other people had grown up with mother’s just like I had. I thought I was the only one until now and that’s the God’s honest truth!

I learned she was evil and loved no one but herself and her severe personality disorder could not be fixed. Through this little group and just knowing they went through the same things that I did and made me finally understand …

… IT WAS NOT MY FAULT LIKE I THOUGHT AND WAS TOLD ALL THESE YEARS …

and I wasn’t bad or crazy. I’m able to heal more now than I ever have.

It’s time I told my story. My gut is telling me it is time. My kids have told theirs through my mistakes, my mother has told hers, to her family especially, and I was left out and forgotten by them all it seemed. I was always the bad guy in her stories and she was my victim.

All I ever wanted was THE TRUTH to be told. The REAL truth, not my mother’s warped version of it. I hated people seeing me as she was portraying me to be. It just wasn’t fair but I was helpless against this narcissist monster, I just didn’t know it at the time.
*Narcissist mother’s are lethal to their daughters. Narcissists aren’t some poor souls that were abused when they were a small child, therefore possibly explaining their nasty treatment of their own kids, no not at all. They know EXACTLY what they are doing and they do not care. Google Narcissist mother’s of daughters and you will learn a LOT about how my mother ticks. That’s why I say she was evil, because she KNEW EXACTLY what she was doing to me and did it anyway. It’s impossible for them to love anyone but themselves, even their own children.

… now it’s finally my turn to tell my story ~ unsensored.

That being said, it was not long before we moved back to our hometown from the big city. My daughter was around 10 at this time.

During that time in her childhood, I experienced issues that were hard for me to deal with. I always crying and I always anxious. I finally went to our small town doctor and (sadly) was diagnosed with severe depression. Of course, it didn’t “fix” me like I had prayed it would because the medicine was not meant to treat ADHD. I don’t, to this day, understand why I wasn’t tested for ADHD, but I wasn’t. I didn’t have enough knowledge of the disorder plus, back then, it was thought that only children were affected with this disorder. That’s what they believed back then anyway. It still led to me being undiagnosed and not have the right medication I needed to feel “normal”!

This narrow minded thinking led to a whole generation of adults being untreated or misdiagnosed for ADHD. That is very sad.

I had played around, experimenting with drugs the same as many young people did back then. During my teenage years, I had played around and used marijuana and took some pills here and there but nothing more unless you count a beer here and there when I was out of my parents sight. However, as a young adult with a child, I’d only used marijuana from time to time. I just never did classify marijuana as a drug.

(Marijuana is a plant, not a drug. It was WRONGFULLY placed on schedule one because of people’s STUPID racism at the dawning of it’s becoming illegal in the first place.)

*This was indeed, setting the scene, for my hard core addiction that was to come years later.

My daughter went through a special kind of hell, I’m sure during the years we lived behind my parents house. (It was never a home.)

This was when I was being treated for depression instead of ADHD. So when I went for help, I was not diagnosed correctly so therefore the meds I was given weren’t going to help me.

I tried so hard to be “okay” and “normal“, but nothing changed.

I didn’t know what “okay” and “normal” was.

It only worsened and reared its ugly head in several self-destructive ways during the course of the rest of my life.

My daughter has her own version of my story, that would reveal her feelings around that time, from her perspective. I can’t change how she views things back then because I didn’t feel what she felt. I’m sure I’m the bad guy but it’s okay. I’ve long since paid my dues on anything I’ve ever done wrong, in my mind. I’ve paid dearly to finally have a peaceful mind … Like I said I fought to become who I am today!

However, it cuts me to the core of my very soul knowing I caused her unnecessary pain, but it was not on purpose.

I’m not saying I shouldn’t be accountable for that (because believe me I WAS held accountable and like I mentioned earlier … I paid my dues and then some), all I’m saying is, that I was dealing with something inside me that seemed alien and very frightening. “Why was no one helping me”?

I thought I was going crazy (remember, I had no idea I suffered from ADHD) and I thought I was for real crazy. That was scary for me thinking this about myself …

I was really scared that there was truth to my mother’s words after all. I would get so angry at myself for not measuring up and in doing so, I was proving all my mother’s negative words that she’d used in describing me, to be correct.

A never ~ ending cycle …

As time went on, I couldn’t keep any relationship with a man very long at a time (another classic adult women ADHD symptom) because I usually chose the wrong type of man. That and the fact that I was still trying to put the pieces of my fragmented life together. This would take another thirty years to happen.

The majority of those men ended up being controlling and later on abusive, physically and emotionally. I went from dealing with my mother being controlling and emotionally abusive to being with obsessive and controlling men that wound up being emotionally and physically abusive to me as well. I drew them like flies because of my weaknesses. (no self esteem, no self confidence, no self worth, confused all the time, etc.)

By this time, I thought I deserved the type of treatment I receiving. That is why I accepted the treatment for as long as I did before ever fighting back.

I’m not going to get into details about any of those relationships because this is about how much I loved my kids despite the fact that most of my actions and decisions probably did little to prove that love.

I felt so unwanted and useless back then that I actually thought I was doing my daughter a favor by not being around her like I soooo wanted to be.

That was because I never seemed to do anything right, according to my mother.

When I started shutting down she saw that as her opportunity. In her mind, by shutting down, I was asking her to step in and be my daughter’s mother. So that’s what role she took. All the while making sure I knew what a disgrace of a mother I was. She would tell me that I didn’t love my daughter or I would spend more time with her. So when I tried to spend more time with her she would never seem to leave us alone and if she did, she would go out talking about how my mothering skills were horrible, etc …

… So, I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t. I was utterly and forever confused by this time.

I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere and that nobody loved me because I was weird, different and mentally sick. That was shoved down my throat as well and being sick in the mind, remember was looked down on and thought bad of back then. It was like I could help it or something.

I felt so alone and afraid.

But what nobody ever knew until now was that I wanted more than anything in this world was to take my place as my daughter’s mother. I wanted to show her how much I loved her and to take her in my arms and promise her that I would never let anyone make fun of her or hurt her in any way. I would protect her like I thought parents were supposed too.

But that was not meant to be.

(My father had passed away not to long after August 4, 1998 was the day the father that I adored left this world. I just never understood how he could let my mother hurt me so much and not help me if he loved me. In my research today about Narcissist mother’s, he would have been considered to be her “flying monkey”)

During this time of extreme guilt and grief on my part, my mother once again started in on me. This time she wasn’t kept in check, because my Dad was gone. So she could basically say whatever she wanted. She did just that. She came at me in the worst way she possibly could.

She told me with a smirk on her face, I will never forget it, that it was my fault that my Dad was dead. He died from the stress of having to deal with me and because of me, she was now all alone in the world.

Those words cut through to my very soul and I was literally sick to my stomach for days…

It took me years to finally realize that what she said to me was not true.

Eventually, I was able to move forward from that, but those paralyzing emotions I felt when she hurled that horrible accusation at me overwhelmed me to an almost numbed state for a very, very long time.

All I knew was in my mind, I had failed, again, to be a good daughter and now my mother hated me because I supposedly stressed my father out so much, that I killed him.

My heart breaks now for that young woman because I know what she had to live with and face after that.

I’ve never told anyone, until now, how devastated I had been and how crushed my soul was because of that accusation. I think I will always hate her for that.

It still hurts like crazy today when I think about it, even though I knew I wasn’t the cause of his death.

I hated myself for being a horrid person that only brought misery and death (evidently) to her family. But, life went on and I stayed ashamed and full of guilt.

I remember, thinking back to when my daughter was 10-11 years old, I was begging her almost, to not allow her Mamaw to come between us. I recall being almost frantic as I begged her to please not allow her Mamaw to take her away from me. I was almost begging her for real I remembered, thinking back. My daughter reached her little arms out and she then wrapped them around my neck promising me that would never happen. I still hear and see that instance, clearly in my mind today.

Now the tears are coming fast and furious, as I write this, because I know that little girl loved her mommy more than anything in this world. Later, I would feel that I let her down, the same way my parents let me down.

However, my mother’s shadow was all around us, watching and waiting to pounce if she felt my weaknesses rise. My mind back then stayed in a muddled and confused state. I was not doing any drugs during this time although I constantly accused of it. Her treatment of me kept me right where she wanted me. Anytime I felt strong and in control of myself and my life, she would knock the wind from my sails. Then she would complain that I was not responsible. She would put herself in front of my daughter as a “mother” figure, so I couldn’t be seen by my daughter in any given situation and my daughter would have no choice but to ask my mother for help instead of me. I would then try to get involved with my daughter and her life, and my mother would pounce telling me how unfit I was as a mother, maliciously adding that she was afraid my daughter would be ruined if I was the one in control of her.

Again, just her saying that, I was damned if I did, and damned if I didn’t…..

It wasn’t long after my Daddy passed away that I got together with my son’s father in May of 1998.

I was still so gullible and trusting and still exhibiting ADHD symptoms that had not yet been recognized in me. I had long ago stopped taking antidepressants because they weren’t helping and I didn’t like the way they made me feel. I decided that I would much rather deal with my own natural roller coaster, than a chemically induced one.

…..Part two will be published soon…..

๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’™ Thank you so much for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’›

Racism ~ suxxx

I’m writing this on the wake of these New Zealand killings of innocent people. Bless their hearts. They were in their place of worship, worshipping and these white supremacists decided that it was a good time to take their lives??? REALLY?????

Shocking? Yes, it is. I’m from the south of the United States, so I’m definitely schooled in racism. I was raised to be racist but thankfully that never stuck. I just don’t understand having problems with someone simply because they are a different color, or they are of a different nationality, or they have a different beliefs and religion than I do. That doesn’t make them bad people.

What was the point in killing those poor people in their place of worship? And then recording it? Was this supposed to make them bigshots in some way? It makes them disgusting and pitifully weak in the real world and around real compassionate people!

Believe that – there was a purpose, those type of deep racist and ignorant people always have a purpose for how they do things, even if it’s not obvious to us (the public).

I certainly do NOT want to hear because God told me to! I’m tired of hearing that someone has killed someone in God’s name.

First of all God would NOT tell someone to kill anyone.

He would not tell anyone that no matter what their differences, He would tell us to show Christ to them. He would not have us pointing fingers. Kind of like in the 1800’s, when the Catholics were killing the Protestants and vise-versa. Supposedly, in God’s name, and I just shake my head because there again, they are blaming God for their own stupidity and ignorance.

Time will tell on the WHY they did this and what was their purpose? I’m sure it was partly because of their religion. I don’t like the radical Muslims, like Isis, but the Muslim people for the most part are good, quiet and loving people. You just don’t end a life because someone is different than you. You just DON’T DO THAT!

I don’t know, but to just do what they did and how they did it is CRAZY to say the least. I pray that they are caught and have the most massive laws thrown at them.

Where has the compassion gone for others, other than ourselves?

We are ALL HUMAN BEINGS.

I guess that means nothing to the type that just massacred those 49 people. To me, it’s spiritual. The demons definitely were in charge of that/those person/people. That’s the only thing that makes sense to me. Y’all have too remember, I come from the Bible belt!

The root of this type of CRAP is RACISM. I see it daily here in the South and I know it’s dominate in other states and even in other countries. I promise you though, it is NOTHING like it is here in the South, of the United States of America. I totally LOATHE racism.

We ALL BLEED RED just like Jesus BLED ON THE CROSS!

PEOPLE we have got to unite and come together and make the statement THAT IS NOT OKAY to kill people for their differences.

Make an example out of these out of control white folks, please!

smdh๐Ÿ˜ž I did read yesterday that Facebook, Twitter and YouTube are removing those awful videos as soon as they are posted. You have to congratulate them for doing this. I’m sure it’s taken more than one person to handle that task. If you see a post that is in fact that awful video of the massacre, please report it to the social platform you are on.

Let me know in the comments your thoughts on this horrid happening.

๐Ÿ’• Thanxxx for reading and commenting and following

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Dead inside… Is all I see…..

All he wants to do is YELL…
His eyes so evil and black…
Dead inside…… As he yells and screams at anyone in his path.
So what, your miserable inside?
Who cares after you hurt us one by one, until there is no one left to hurt.

This man is no one to me and
Apologizes mean zero because it will all happen again, just give it time.
He’s not to be trusted, in this state.
I’m worried for my girl because all she wants, is for him to be fixed.

I can’t see him being fixed. Not after I saw the evil and black eyes up close…
Yelling at me….. Dead inside…..
There is no other word for him… He is an abuser through and through.

No feelings for anyone but his big fat baby self,
No respect for her or her family
I’m scared of what he may do, if he blows up

Terror rushes in on me…
Tears run down my face as I shake while putting this down
So others can see, how horrid he can really be.

I used to see the good inside, but no more..
I guess he brushed that to the side. With my anger problem, I can control mine but his, you can see, is
Uncontrollable. That’s what makes him scary.

He sees no boundaries, none will stop him when in his anger….
My gut says watch him… He’s dangerous and I trust my gut because it has never lied.

It’s sad but oh so true
He’s no longer cares for himself, so be aware he doesn’t care for you.
That makes him a danger… To anyone in his path. My back will tell you that.

I won’t hide from him because I once proclaimed I would never again be abused….. Especially by this little man.
Deep down, I’m scared because
He no longer cares.

God keep us all safe from him
and his anger that is all around him. We all need You Lord, to stop him with Your mighty hand.

Let nothing happen to us but only to him if his anger comes once again.
Karma is a bitch and God’s wrath is worse… Not caring about that will definitely leave you with a curse.

I’m still shaking, my back throbbing
Hurting for my friend more than me. She’s to good a woman for this jerk to see.

Keep her safe Lord that he may listen to her and receive some help for his issues,
Leaving us all alone once more.

๐ŸŒผ afterword ๐ŸŒบ

Exes aren’t the only abusers, there are friends even neighbors that will pounce on you in their fit of rage.

๐Ÿ˜žLike my fb page SURVIVING YOUR ABUSIVE EX

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU LOVE IS IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP or they have been abused by someone they know……. KNOW THAT YOUR NOT ALONE!

Contact the NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE AND WEBSITE NOW. (see below)

They will get you out SAFELY.

โค๏ธ

1-800-799-7233

1-800-799-SAFE

๐Ÿ’™ HOTLINE #โค๏ธ

๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ’™ Thanxxx for reading, commenting, and following ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ˜Š