The Unknown

The UNKNOWN is killing me by not knowing, while the worst scenarios play out in my head.

I’m not ready to “leave”, I have so much left to do. Death waits on no one when it’s your time and that is why I’m afraid.

I’m afraid of not being remembered or worse, being remembered for all my mistakes and not my heart.

I want to make a difference and I’m afraid I won’t have time to show my kids that difference.

They have never seen the real me inside that wasn’t clouded with drugs or emotional issues. I’m finally me now God, please don’t take me now. I just learned who I am and can show that around, but,

It’s the UNKNOWN that’s hell.

I can’t go through this alone, I already know. But how can I ask someone to be there for me? I’m lost and terrified of what MAY BE.

Someone with my issues at hand seem to have little chance with what I think may be wrong or could be wrong, yet I don’t know exactly and that frightens me more.

Does that make sense?

I have never been so afraid as I am now because of what I know it COULD be. Please God, don’t take me away after I’ve just recently found, forgiven and learned to love myself.

Allow me to do good and help someone. Please let me make things right with my babies, I’m begging you.

Please let my children see, the me they haven’t seen, is a good me. That’s all I ask.

For my babies to see, that I’m not what I’ve shown, that my love for them has only grown. I need them to know, without a doubt, they are my heart. I need them to know how I’ve thought about them every second I’ve been away from them.

God wouldn’t have shown me all the things He has recently, just to have me perish now. That’s what I tell myself, but …

It’s the NOT knowing that is killing me.

Terrified … I can’t handle this on my own if it’s not good news,

What to do? I don’t want to be a burden but I will need someone to lean on. (Not just anyone) Is that going to be okay, my mind asks?

I can’t talk to many about it so I get zero support where others get all they need. I wish that was me.

I have no one else and if it’s bad news, I just know being alone is not for me, not with this. I don’t want to be a pain but I’m gonna need those I hold dear. That’s not a lot … Will they care?

If I just KNEW, it wouldn’t be the UNKNOWN.

Afterthought: If you have ever been afraid of ANYTHING unknown (dying, a chronic illness, etc.. ) them this post is for you!
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