Agonizing fear ๐Ÿ˜ต (revised 05-27-19)

(This post that I created in February 2019 explains the insecurities I had early in my relationship with my bfab because of toxic relationships in my past. It also shows how my ADHD brain was going into overdrive and it also takes a look at how FEAR can paralyze you, emotionally and sometimes physically.)

Agonizing fear

Terror lashes out at me … paralyzing my entire body … numbness overwhelmes the deep parts of my soul … painful doubts stab through my heart …

Shaking …

trembling …

” … oh no, am I going to be abandoned, thrown away or chunked into emotional duress? …”

“No!

I cannot allow this again …”



Why?” kept going through my thoughts … “he is different and has a purpose in my life … he wouldn’t leave me” … my thoughts seemed to be mine … but not …


Braving myself for a painfuL emotional jaunt … whichย  continuously … scattered the shredded pieces of my heart ... floating through memories of before when my heart was young …ย ย  and how lethal people … raped my sOuL … time after time …


choking …



barely am I able to breathe … I would never make it … if he left … my thoughts were my own … still … but not …

” … I need you” …ย  my mind screams … roaring … inside my aching head …

… please don’t leave me isolated and hopelessly afraid …



“… I really do need you … it’s so beyond you causing my heart to race …”


anxious tingles …




… Coming at me from all over – SUDDENLY – the agonizing fear grips and hurts way deep down

in my gut …

“Why do I feel that something is wrong?”



” … please … I truly need you” ๐Ÿ’‹

… my very gut cries out …ย ย  AGONIZING … from deep within the darkness … that’s inside of me … while it turns into light … if only for a moment …

Wow … I really mattered enough … MIRACLE … you have shown me that I amย  importantI matter … never would I dared to dream … I would feel again … this way …

I FINALLY found one true angel in this horrible world …ย  See how much you have truly blessed my hurting soul ever since that first night when we met …


… This is a true grown up beyond normal love, not a feeling ๐Ÿ˜ that I could have ever imagined …ย 


… Realization hits me …

My gut has always been right … why didn’t I trust that when my soul cries …ย  it was trying to alert me … I am ever so grateful …

“… Thank you I cried silently … You gave me back … Me …”

๐Ÿ’œ May 27, 2019 โ€ฆ “This poem was written before I totally understood what true Loyalty meant. I’d never received it before so I thought this man would leave me the same way all the others left me.ย  I was to discover that this man was cut from a totally different cloth than the rest. He showed me I mattered.ย 
He gave me the best and most amazing gift in this world.ย  Meeeeeee ๐Ÿ˜‡ Thank you to my guy … My bfab … My hero” ๐Ÿ˜

Like my fb page that is dedicated to my bfab (best friend and beyond)

Other posts inspired by my bfab ~

Where does the love go

A real man

Just maybe
Tears falling down
The imprint of you on my heart

Why

To scared to pray
๐Ÿ’œThank you for reading, commenting, and followingโค๏ธ
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