๐Ÿ’•Loving “yOu” iS CruCiaL

Have you ever wondered how to go about learning how to love yourself? Some people never give it a second thought, while others spend their whole lives trying to master this coveted skill. Mastering themselves in their own mind and in their own lives is the goal.

I spent my entire life not loving myself, until very recently. Understand though, I didn’t even realize this until right before I started this journey, which was approximately 8-9 months ago. I’m glad I didn’t realize this at the time when it was happening, because how miserable would that have made me?

Someone, who is now very close to me, is the one who showed me that I was worth receiving love. I never before thought I mattered enough. That was a thought that was deep down inside, that you don’t see when just looking at yourself from the outside. You got to look and dig deeper. It was through them showing me I mattered, that made me want to look and dig deeper, thus beginning my journey. It was then I saw that I’d never really loved myself at all.

The “why” that made me feel as if I were UNLOVABLE and not worthy of receiving love doesn’t matter. The fact remained, however, that I DID feel this way and there had to be a way for me to change it.

People try to get help in therapy, for example, about specific reasons that led up to them not loving themselves. I believe that dealing with the root issue, (in this case, not loving yourself) and not focusing on the why’s and who’s will free you way sooner than trying to figure out “why” someone treated you bad, etc…

We can’t change others so that’s why I decided to focus on changing the way I felt about myself. That I could change but focusing on the why’s and who’s, I’d keep going around the same old mountain with no solutions.

Does this make sense?

On the outside, throughout my life, I thought I was loveable because I’m kind, empathetic, compassionate and thoughtful to others. So that’s why “it had to be my fault if someone didn’t love me, right”?

That was from years of negative thoughts about myself. I’m sure you have them to, huh? Only after being shown that I did matter, I realized I hadn’t ever loved ME. So, “why did I not love me?”, that was the question. I was going to find the answer, if it killed me.It was the least I could do for myself, after being so hard on myself for several years by thinking it was my fault for being unlovable. I was so cruel to myself and seeing that now frightens me that I abused myself so much. This is why so many who don’t love themselves fall into DOMESTIC VIOLENCE relationships or stop fighting for themselves and give in when faced with a narcissistic parent. Many also fall into addictions, trying to numb the feelings of inadequacy.

Knowing it deep down and not doing anything about it is self abuse in my book. So once I “knew” this, I hurriedly set myself on a path to change it. I deserved better treatment than that, especially from myself. You deserve it too!

One reason I wanted to learn this was because I was so tired of being hurt by others. So many that were close to me hurt me. I somehow knew if I could ever find true love for myself, then I wouldn’t get hurt by others if they didn’t love me.

I didn’t know at this time that I was attracting those kind of toxic people that couldn’t love me by just me feeling that I was UNLOVABLE. That’s a trip, huh?

This link explains how you may be attracting toxic people in your life that you may not be aware of.

No one else would love me unconditionally, unless I could love myself this way. This I just seemed to know without being told. I wanted to be loved like that in my life so bad and in order for that to happen, I knew I had to change my own perception of myself and look at myself realistically with no filters. I shouldn’t look at myself from others perspectives of myself, but most of us do. I was now ready to really get to know the real ME that I truly was inside.

First, I started with the definition of what unconditional love was. Basically, it’s loving someone (or yourself) despite that person’s wrongs. You don’t have to agree with those wrong things or decisions but you love them regardless (or in spite) of them. “Love the sinner, not the sin”, if you will! That’s not just for others, it’s for ourselves as well.

I’d personally never experienced receiving unconditional love in my own life, however, this is where I started on my journey.

I had given that type of love to both my kids, the best I knew how from learning about it in church, so I knew what it meant. However, the mind power I needed to display that plus, in order for me to have that type of love for myself, (in spite of any wrongs, any past bad decisions, any flaws and any differences), was going to be a hard bumpy road.

So many people want to experience the end result (after you are at the end of the journey) but don’t want to do what you did in order to get that end result. No, they would rather use up negative energy saying to themself, “I CAN’T”. You will use up energy either way – it’s up to you whether you will use positive energy toward the goal (loving yourself) or will you use negative energy complaining about not being able to do the “mind power thing” because it’s to hard!

It’s a process of getting to know yourself (not people’s perceptions about you), accepting yourself, forgiving yourself, and ultimately you will find that, after those three things are looked at and worked through … You will already be loving yourself!

Here are the list of steps to follow in learning to love yourself:

1. Get to really know yourself … beyond your soul, the inner core.

2. Forgive yourself for any past mistakes, no matter how horrible you think they are.

3. Accept yourself completely (no matter what you have done or what guilt you have because something may have happened to you)

4. Loving yourself unconditionally. This will automatically happen after you delve into the three previous steps.

Spend time with YOU and get to know yourself

I got to know myself by being alone day after day. Once the freedom came for this to happen, after this breakthrough (me working through my childhood pains with the mental symptoms I had been noticing, once I realized the way I’d been treated had a name for the person that treated me badly.

My mom was a narcissist and after studying and researching what that meant – I was able to see that so much I thought was true wasn’t. I also saw that it was not my fault. Around this same time, I had put two and two together on the symptoms I noticed, regarding my mental health. That also put a name to what I was experiencing, which was ADHD. So much now made sense in my life I thought, as I looked back on childhood instances through today’s foggy haze).

Forgiving yourself

Forgiving yourself is VERY important and without it, you cannot move on in your life, past a certain point. It was essential to this journey I was on. Again, I just knew this was a step I must take, without being told, I just seemed to know.

Even if you truly don’t believe you deserve to be forgiven, forgive yourself anyway. How can others forgive you, when you won’t forgive yourself? It’s the same with accepting yourself and loving yourself.

Keep in mind to, that we attract people with the energy we give off, so in my case I was attracting toxic people that couldn’t love themselves, much less love me. They tried to make me the same way, thankfully, that didn’t happen.

Forgiving yourself frees you into being able to accept yourself right where you are and eventually allows you to start loving yourself.

I had to fight through negative thoughts my whole life because on the outside I knew I was good enough, smart enough, and pretty enough, but I just didn’t show it. I didn’t know how. I’m guessing it was also because I didn’t feel it on the inside. That’s where the REAL me was. The negative over powered the positive in my mind. I didn’t know myself at that time and it showed. I had started looking at myself the way toxic people looked at me, wondering if they were right. I didn’t know myself enough to hear my inner self screaming, “no I’m not like that”

I had thought, somewhere deep inside of me, that I deserved the wrongful and abusive treatment I had received all these years from different people, myself included. (From who, why and where doesn’t matter. I just needed to train myself NOT to believe that lie). You don’t have to believe those lies others say about you. Just keep throwing them out of your mind, on purpose, and hold onto those deep down feelings that your gut is telling you, that you do matter. Like I did, I knew it but I put what others said and had shown me above what I knew was truth. Abuse yourself no longer!

There was no map or outline on how to do this, I just went with it. God led me through it.

All this time, from that deep place inside me, I knew that I DID deserve love, and finally, that feeling overwhelmed the lie I’d believed all these years. This occured once I started this journey.

Accepting yourself

Through ALL of that, I learned to accept myself for ME.

After accepting myself, the real me, deep down inside, was crying out for love, loudly and this time I paid attention. I owed it to myself. YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TOO!

I’d given others advice on this very subject before on the importance of self love but I never practiced it on me. In part, because I believed I didn’t deserve it and because it wasn’t a big “in my face” issue at the time. I never looked at it “in me” before.

Once I looked at it with me in mind, I saw a lot about myself that I didn’t know.

I had to look at feelings and situations that were years old in order to get to know, forgive and accept me. Things and memories that were not pleasant.

This is why so many don’t take this journey, I’m sure, because it hurts and people just don’t want to face their pain. However, it is A MUST, if you truly want to succeed in loving yourself.

In this journey, I came to discover key issues, people and situations that would explain my behavior, my issues, and why I believed I was unworthy of receiving love all these years.

One freedom I found, as I mentioned earlier was from learning I suffered from ADHD and unmedicated, makes it’s sufferers see things through a distorted and clouded view. I made a lot of my life’s decisions in that distorted and clouded view. Sadly, I wouldn’t have if I would have been medicated, or even just had the awareness of my disorder.

Another freedom was realizing I had been raised by a narcissist and the knowledge that they are incapable of showing or feeling love. It wasn’t my fault that my mother didn’t love me, it was on her. I thought I may faint from sheer joy and relief after learning these facts, because “it wasn’t my fault” – After thinking it was my fault for years, this was quite invigorating!

After realizing these things, I forgave, accepted and came to like the person I was. I couldn’t move forward, however, unless I accepted myself as I was then, and now.

So many things that were foggy in my life back then, became crystal clear with these revelations.

After realizing this, I really “saw” that I WAS worth love and that I did the best I could back then. Today, I DO deserve unconditional love. I TRULY felt this, (for real) for the first time ever, at 55 years old.

I also saw that I deserved to be loved BY MYSELF. This was another freedom for me. Loving yourself DOES make a huge difference. I believe that if more people would love themselves, it would stop a lot of depression and self harm tendencies, as well as hurting others. We can’t hurt someone else when we love ourselves. It’s just impossible!

Unconditional love for oneself would definitely put a dent in the suicide rate. So, show someone they are worth being loved today!

Since I put all these steps to the test and completed them successfully, now came the hard part of how to TRULY love myself unconditionally. (Key word- “unconditionally”). I thought to myself, “How on earth do I make this happen?”

The answer is: It comes automatically after going through the steps I’ve explained. It is the FINAL outcome after learning those things through each step. (Knowing, forgiving, accepting and loving)

Diligently seeking how to do one step automatically enables you for the next step, until your at the end and you notice that you are loving yourself, before you even realize it!

Wow, a miracle as far as I’m concerned!

See, in this journey, I learned that I wasn’t unlovable, in each step I took.

The deeper I dug into ME, the more things I saw that made me love myself. I saw a young child that only wanted love and that young woman that was forever making bad decisions. I saw the heart they had and it caused me see that they thought they were doing their best and that they were worthy of my love. Love the younger you that did the best they could at that time. Stop abusing yourself now!

Summary

It was through the desire of wanting to get to know myself that led me to the fact of needing to forgive myself. It was through that forgiveness, that I came to accept myself. Lastly, it was through that acceptance, that I was able to FINALLY truly love myself, unconditionally.

This journey wasn’t without it’s own set of hurts, bad memories and feeling uncomfortable but it’s the only way I knew to get to where I wanted to be. I was learning the “how to” as I went.

Today, I’m still in process of finding pieces of myself that were long forgotten and putting them together with who I am now and loving myself still, regardless.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, take the journey I did and trust me, you won’t be sorry you did. Through this journey you will (hopefully) see that what was holding you back was the thought that you need to be “fixed”. You don’t need fixing, you just need to forgive, accept and love.

Love unconditionally, regardless …

โค๏ธ Thank you for reading commenting and following ๐Ÿ’›
Advertisements

rOCk CanDy queen (revised 05-19-19)

Years ago my thoughts go back to the time where she was fun to hang out with at first, that white lady, she knew how to make you feel good and kept you intrigued … while you kept coming back for more …

… she gets more fierce with her touch as time moves on – she has no heart and no soul, yet she can turn your heart away – from yourself and she don’t play – as well as those close to you and she won’t stop until your soul is in chains – clutching you tight – knowing you can’t break free … your stuck outright … in bondage to the queen of rOCk CanDy – the evil white lady indeed …

You will find her dancing with the demons of addiction, heartbreak and pain – you will eventually give in to their strong demands once again – falsely thinking that they accept you – yet really they don’t – that’s just get you hooked and harass you relentlessly – down that vile path, because by then – they are laughing at you – as you realize in horror – that your unable to stop …

Like a robot and a puppet you move to her beat … like a good master – she’s pulls easy then real hard on your strings – while you chase that next hit – as she heartlessly brings – you way down – straight to your knees …

Teasing you mercilessly – is one of her many sick treats … just as that hit that you raced for … finally connects with you … causing you feel such a major relief – yet only to soon …

… you want more and more and still yet more – until she senses your fear, forcing even the devil himself to scream … “go on your worthless just get the hell outta here” – then sadly, as you cower down – what does all of this prove – your wondering, because your still – in the COCAINE mood …

… knowing full well …

… it’s not enough – it’s never enough anymore … your always miserable, sick, scared, depressed, strung out and dazed and by when you think about that cloud of white smoke passing you by … Your body constricts in pain, your brain aches and … with a brutal force that’s dragging you down once again – way lower than you ever wanted to go – to stare straight at the queen of rock candywho is waiting for you to pay what she thinks you owe …

and rOCk CanDy will have no problem – numbing your emotions and your mind … so your aren’t clear enough to make any decisions at all … it’s no wonder that she’s more than a tiny bit surprised …

… when you actually take a stand – against her and she senses your newfound strength – she then squeeze’s your sOuL so hard you can’t breathe …

she’s holding you snug – in her cold yet intriguing hand … “Do you think you can play with me” … she laughs at you instead … she also whispers in your ear that you are a deep down disgrace …

… and once she has your emotions shredded – making you feel quite lost … locked away deep inside – way beyond your sOuL – you tell yourself how stupid it was to let that white bitCh – so deep in your mind …

She will fight you like a man, ultimately kicking your ass – so it may seem – but you Never Give Up as you fight this white cu*t – the infamous and lethal … the rOCk CanDy queen … If you keep fighting and don’t stop – she will weaken her grasp – then you can run away fast and leave ...

… Gradually …

… until one day she will realize that your not worth her time, so she will find another sOuL – that she can take by the hand and lead along the path going straight to that place – that leads right to the front door and straight into hell – introducing them to the white lady – the queen of the rOCk CanDy jaiL …

… sometimes you may fall and stumble around – fall off cliffs and drown – in the turbulent waters racing awayshe’s known to come looking with her tempting SweetS – meant to entice – in case you slip from the path of complete abstinence …
… don’t get discouraged – pick yourself up and dust off the stains – that the queen of rOCk CanDy forcibly made … strive once more until you get it right … don’t ever allow taunts and hurtful words to give you a fight

Relapse just means you won’t stop striving to quit … it’s tough and unfriendly … remember she isn’t going to give up on you … not one bit …

so …

Don’t allow anyone to bring you down with rumors or snobby looks – they don’t have a clue as to what you have been through – with this white lady … who is the rOCk CanDy queen …

ultimately …

… she has a diabolical plan to kill you ...

… dark depression … hateful voices whisper in the wind … evil beings that harass you … they are not your damn friend – beware of your mental health taking a turn … she will scratch and then bite you diminishing you – before you can learn … that this rOCk CanDy queen is a bitCh that stands firm … her job is to jumble your thoughts and make you see through a haze – your vision so distorted any decision will be crazed …

addiCtiOn is only a symptom that masks the underlying root cause … You need to gather all your strength and please take a pause … and …

… you stop being so nice … stop listening to the bitCh … get mad and with all your strength … face your fear and stand up in her face … as you recall all the things she lied about … remember you almost lost your life behind her evil lies …

let that rOCk CanDy bitCh hear you as your screaming at her that “she’s the devil in disguise” … you tell her off and curse her out – just remember who tha fu*k you are … and do yourself a favor start taking a new route …

that leads away from the door – at the entrance of hell – in the opposite direction that I wish I would’ve seen – previously way before that white bitch stole my dream …

… no matter what keep hold your head up high – keep moving forward – find that deep down determination – find out how you can love yourself more – more especially through – the many dark dreary days … that will certainly come …

… and guess what? …

… one day the relapses will halt – soon realizing that she’s FINALLY locked in the past … don’t let her define you – people will talk, scorn and laugh …
just you hold fast to the dream and remember the pain when she took away all those many years away from your life … don’t stop keep going – your doing just fine … give yourself a smile because once and for all … finaLLy you managed to beat that damn queen – the white lady who still claims that …

… she’s the rOCk CanDy queen …

Keep holding your head high because only you know what the hell it took – to finally lose that white bitch for good – never again will you see … Years down the road …

That white lady looking for you, not even in a dream …

๐Ÿ˜Š My addiction to rOCk CanDy cost me nearly every damn thing I had … It’s been a bittersweet journey after turning away from the front door of hell … If you are an addict – using ANY drug that’s taken over your life REACH OUT because I want you to know this: I saw a level of addiction that most hard core addicts don’t see and they don’t know exists – you do NOT want to be there because the only way out … if you stay in defeat … is going to be a horribly long life behind bars or worse – Death is waiting to take you to the front door that leads into hell so you can hang out with the devil himself … you are NOT – trust me – your not ready for that …

Here are some really good places to contact if you feel the way I described in my poSt ...

National drug helpline website

National Drug Abuse Hotline Numbers: Free Addiction Help 24/7

National Suicide Prevention website and toll free #

LIKE my FB page ~
๐Ÿ’™ Stepping into recovery with Jesus

๐Ÿ˜ŠThank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ˜

remembering alone

In my world, I sit and I remember … long ago days – days that don’t even seem real to me now.

Was that me? I can’t picture me in that situation – Yes, that’s me. How did I ever live through that?

It feels like someone else lived that life, but no, it was me … I remember.

I’ve grown inside and past days no longer bring hurt, but they have brought self awareness, while showing me how much I’ve grown on the inside …

… as I remember …

… Forever … That’s what it felt like ~ like it took me forever, to grow inside and be at peace within my soul.

Older now, there’s so damn much I lost way back then – but after a while – it would take years – I gained myself in return, once I made the first step to search for myself and maybe one day soon, that will all balance out …

… future hope …

Sighing deeply, I know that everything happens for a reason. We may or may not know what that reason is but mark my words

… and trust this fact …

…there is a reason for everything we go through.

( … we go through challenges in life, not for ourselves but to help other people that may be in a situation we were once in …)

Remembering … I lost almost everything I had back then … Hopelessly younger and yet producing invalid resolutions –

Sadness always trying to overwhelm my soul, because you see … I’m now finally becoming me. The me I was always supposed to be! My babies don’t know me and know them I do not

– not yet –

We could start fresh – it’s possible and yes – I want them to know the me I just found – the me I am now – this really cool me, that should have always been around – for both of my kids …

I’m finally me ~ that means I’m free – free deep inside of me and that pain has a key – and that key would be – the key that would keep me quite safe from reprieve.

Looking back, I was just grateful then – for getting out with my sanity and my life. I seriously can’t see clearly who that person is – who lived with my name back then that loved her children so small in each of their tales however, different then!

Why does it have to be me that does without her heart? That’s what they are – my heart – People saw me wrong, they always did, so what did I ever do so bad that this LOSS would be my punishment? Living with the thought of losing them for real – was the closest thing to hell on earth that I ever did feel … and with folks whispering hatefully in secret, thinking I would not hear, as they died how sorry I was. Rumors exploded telling the tale – that I never loved those kids and became the favorite mantra and jeer! That was NOT THE CASE, no matter the scenario or what took place … I loved my children more than anything in this world – I screamed to them all, as I pleaded my case.

My actions proved to be the catalyst for haters to grasp, clutching the reins, stating to all that I was a complete disgrace.

smdh …

how I made it through doesn’t matter at all but more importantly was this – how did those two, especially my son, get through the pain of me being gone … and did he feel that I no longer cared? The knowledge inside that he may – crushes my spirit that is life, because my love for him … Knows no bounds …

That is what keeps me awake late at night – i would wonder with tears that are stuck in my throat – the pain his little heart carried around, with fear close by – why was his mom not here by his side?

I remember regretfully that those needed lessons I learned – had taken years to sink through to where my integrity lived – for them to be embedded and placed deep in my soul.

It took longer still, for me to believe and also trust that those lessons learned … Maybe could somehow fix – any mistakes that had come, mostly being born from my biggest conflicts.

the wait was quite long for me to accept, forgive then love, the me that belonged – that me belonged here instead of this me … through the maze that I did see ~ searching my way – as though I was blind, yet I prayed so hard so that it could just blow his little mind ..

… Still longer it took … For me to learn how to finally love the true me I had found – IDK how I lived, through the pain of losing my heart and the fear settling in … Once – not to long ago – I embraced the pain that was raw from thoughts of my kids – mainly my son – I begged God that he would not lose the love or the trust … He had just for me …

… tears slowly remembering the path of the pain – with vivid recollection of those long ago days – I would have sold my soul to evil if it would have brought him to live with me, but in that pit, inside of me, that was to deep it seems – may get the better of me. I felt in my heart with my gut saying how true – thinking to myself, how little I knew wondering maybe inside how I was feeling would be – pretty hard to face – yet still my tears fell, streaking it all but with precision and grace.

My baby … I needed to state would probably be better off without me. I knew he was way better off – without me. I’d forever been told what a bad parent I’d be, in the months and years before that – it was drilled in my head – I was no good and was trash. I was also informed I would never, not ever, amount to much …

Nobody knows my soul or my heart including my measure of pain – How much I cried for my son in the earliest days … I sensed within – I needed to pick myself up and never fall –
not ever again.

It may take me years, I eerily thought
Facing the fact, that I must go on – a self awareness search for me – the me I was supposed to have been then, indeed! Locating the space inside me – where forgiveness was just a central trait, yes I did see – where acceptance would rule saving me in part – Falling in love with the me – I would be for my two precious hearts. I could start my self journey right away –
I had to take these steps yet I wasn’t quite sure – but wherever it may lead – ever how long it may take – doesn’t matter unless my baby boy can see …
and what I for him, my very own son, doesn’t show most times – as we know because it’s hiding behind a great wall we both know. My wall keeps pain born out of guilt, overseeing and keeping it from sticking like filth …

“as my sOuL cries …”

while inside – I’m moving forward, so that there will not be one doubt – in my son’s fragile mind and also his heart – as life seems to know nothing – but rushing about. My journey unfolds – I’m in awe you see – the life flavors he catches with clarity – he can actually see …

… Me. The me I now show and in showing control and having never let go – this me is way more cherished, more than diamonds or gold! I was like a sponge, soaking in a hot steamy tub and … then I was seeing all I could see –

I had finally gained more than self control over sadness, depression and HIV – ADHD coming from the rear, diabetes 2 stands away from the others so near, also my eyes and I have been told – are legally blind – yet COPD laughs saying … Don’t forget mine! Those do not define anything that I am … As long as I can love, truly love me – there’s nothing else I care about except self love for myself …

UNCONDITIONALLY

Me loving me was the hardest thing – hardest thing I would ever do – I recalled that pain flowing heavily from my eyes … In loving the me that was causing this strife – I ached for those babies in that awful past space – to please forgive the me who just didn’t know … A person born with a dazed and crazy brain also having a mom that certainly kept me in pain. It was never about me, and the only way I could push through and survive – no matter what my baby was told … all I ever did – was cry inside – begging God for those kids to refrain, from turning ice cold …

Time … it’s a precious gift I know now … we can never replace it once it passes … it never comes back –

Always remember that and think twice – pray hard and remember to Whom you belong!

I’m at peace inside of the real me today, although I think back to those days filled with fear – I’m not that me, not anymore … but hints of misery and from being afraid – taught me bright brutal truths that I would never – again ignore

No – I would never ignore … No – not anymore …

I had to maintain control of my emotions no doubt, guilt was heavy with feelings and wanting to shout – I was grieving the loss of my son while he’s still around. No wonder I felt like I deserved abuse, that I would receive in future rounds . Once, just recently I’ve seen – how it feels to finally be free, from guilt and crushing pain slamming down on top of me. I struggle daily because of the fact that I need for my hero, my son is for him to see – and that is my heart, through all of the steps that I managed to take … moving toward loving myself – in spite of the hurt I held like a pro – the sweetest little boy who grew up in front of my eyes: from my small son who I hold treasured memories for … to the 19 year old

that has made me so proud

I once begged God to please let me live, just long enough for my kids to see – being open inside for my wishes indeed – knowing how my son is just like me – no matter what he may tell himself to believe. My actions have shown now recently – I want the real me to make him perceive and discern that I am finally the me I should be.

Please let him draw close and feel comfortable and see without putting pressure on any part of the scene … I want him to see in the past and just this once let my love be a giant force while earning his trust.

I realized I was grieving my son though he were still alive and the guilt that I housed would infect me instead. He would need to know, much later on, when he was grown wondering what he’d done wrong for me to be gone. He may wonder – Did she miss me and did she cry for me as I did for her?

God allow him to know – while no doubts would be shown – I’d done everything that was expected of me. I knew little that I was supposed do and that entire time he was separated from me … Through mistakes and past wrongs showing to all – my actions were saying one thing and I hid away the other, pressing through, despite being hated on times ten … God, please let my baby boy love me again.

I missed him greatly, with a pain he’d never know – could she keep herself from showing her indifference? She glowed …

with the thought that Kenno, in the days that will come – would be shown her heart – that missed him – her prayer was actively answered indeed – he was going to be blessed to unveil the big plea, that he’s facing his freedom that was overshadowing me!

Yes, every night for years long past, I would cry heavy tears with gut wrenching pain – slicing through to the midst speaking prayers for God to take my son’s hurt for it to never remain.
I cried when I would think of you – innocent and sweet – how blatantly uncool for his mom to forsake.

I’m writing this so my heart and actions be shown – to my baby boy who is super smart – while deep down he discerned his mom’s moves way back at the start – and knew instantly the love she held tightly for him – never left her feelings as long as baby boy was at peace, since he finally knew, all those years ago, mom was more frightened than me? She loved me no matter what her past actions would show? And it would appear that she was not cold blooded I knowI FINALLY see and discern just for me, that she truly – to the Moon and back – really loved me!

Memories come alive …

~ animated in my head ~

tears are streaking silently down my face … I’m focusing on impressions from long ago grace … and as I sit quietly – in my own little world, I remember this and a whole lot more …

I do know this – I know this for sure, since my son finally admitted to loving me more!

I remember …

that I hate … remembering …

… remembering alone …

;-(

… thankfully when this all took place – the deep thinking – awareness thoughts – were within God’s grace!

โค๏ธI’m referring to my son (or when I briefly mention my kids) when I talk about “my heart …”

๐Ÿ’™ Read “my SouL cries” (part one is the link) … a three part series to completely understand ME and what’s up!

๐Ÿ’œ Like my fb page that I created because I miss my babies!

โค๏ธ Thank you for reading, commenting, and following ๐Ÿ’š

Perpetual madness of the mind …

I feel lost …

Alone…terribly alone,

Fighting back is getting old.

I’m ready for someone to take my hand, telling me I’m not alone. Tears drop silently down onto the chilly, dark night ground.

I’m so cold inside my soul, shivering through to my bones. I try to concentrate in hopes this apprehension calms down inside. It’s not a physical cold, it’s from the inside out.

Shaky inside from my head to the tips of my toes, my feet, sludging along, as if in quicksand, my brain hurts, throbbing into the secret parts of my very soul.

Heinous taunts come from the thoughts that aren’t mine, making this world seem unfeeling, not giving me any consolation. Making me stay in this miserable place. No matter how I fight, I cannot leave.

I’m not fully depressed, that’s the whole thing. This crazy disorder I’ve dealt with forever is the culprit and stress only magnifies the intensity of the anxiety, depression and ADHD blackness.

After this feeling leaves, I simply brush it off and go on. It lasts so long; however, I’m always grateful when it’s gone.

Feeling wrung out from the energy it takes to go through what I’ve described above.

I’m just pleased it’s over, for now anyway, but knowing it will return again soon enough …

I cringe …

I can handle the hyper moments because I’m at my most creative during those exuberant times.

I won’t sleep for days at a time and I write, write, write my little heart out.

It’s almost like I’m on drugs, it’s euphoric almost! I almost don’t want meds for it because of these “high” times.

No, it’s these moments as I related above, that pitches me straight into the pit of hell. The hopeless, dark, cold and lonely world.

The stronghold is real and harrowing, nevertheless you will feel as if it will never end …

… infinity.

I can certainly see how some want to die to get out, yet my soul would never let me take myself away.

It will last as long as “it” decides and I’m stuck, riding those crashing waves. Holding on for dear life, as they beat me down, struggling to keep my thoughts mine.

Slowly it happens, and when it’s over, I go back to ordinary things but I know before long, I will be transported back to the blackness.

God does, thankfully, look out for me during these nosedives into hell, otherwise I know I would never be released.

<a href="http://

“>ADHD TEST HERE

โค๏ธโ€œADHD depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the doorโ€

๐Ÿ’œ LIKE my Facebook page that focuses on stigma related disorders and diseases.

๐Ÿ’›another post from me about ADHD thoughts

๐Ÿ’™ thank you for reading, commenting, and following ๐Ÿ’š

… my SouL cries … โค๏ธMY PERSONAL STORY (part three of three)

(foreword … continued from part two)

… One thing I neglected to mention earlier, was that my mother had come into money after my Grandpa died, as well as my Dad. My Grandpa had married a wealthy woman and all their money was being left to my Dad and to me. I was in my early thirties when Grandpa died. My mother had talked Grandpa into leaving the money that he was going to leave me, to her instead. She told him she didn’t trust me and that I was on drugs ~ which I was not, not at that time. He was in the beginnings of dementia so he wasn’t seeing her deceit. Bless his heart, he did what she requested and left it all to her. Three hundred thousand dollars is what he’d left to her, believing her promise to give it to me a little at a time when I needed it until I was 21. My two favorite aunt’s both told me the year after it happened, because I had no idea my Grandpa had any money to leave anyone. That was a big surprise to me. No one ever told me anything.

(part three … of three)

… Since I had been on the streets, I’d heard through the grapevine, that a girl I met while out there, needed help to get away from a violent boyfriend. Of course, I wanted to help, so I let her stay with me and my son while she decided her next course of action.

A few days before she came to stay, my settlement came through, and I picked it up from the lawyers office. I didn’t put it in the bank because I was going to spend it all on my cousins double wide trailer I was buying. So I hid it under my box springs, under my queen sized mattress. It was the older box springs that had little stair steps under the inside of them. I put the money that was in a bank bag, between those stair steps.

I had relapsed yet again a couple weeks before, for the fifth time and that pull it had, was definitely pulling me. I had a friend find me a dealer that would deliver to my house so I was not out on the roads. I wanted to be left alone so I smoked it most all by myself. My son was able to buy himself some cool new school clothes and other things he’d wanted. I was not so caught up that I wanted to spend all my money on drugs while during the times before, I didn’t care if I did or not.

My son had lived me through my entire addiction, and he knew what I was doing even before I realized it and trying to hide it. There would no hiding the fact that I was high on crack, because a drug like that is easily recognized once that pipe is hit.

My son knew but loved me anyway. To this day, I tell him he is my hero because he is the ONLY reason i didn’t seriously consider taking my life back then. I never seriously considered that in my life but it gave me an insight to how people could be in a certain place emotionally and would be able to do something like that to themselves. My son saved me from suicide and from relapsing again on COCAINE. He is my true hero forever. God gave me the best son ever, and I waved him to have all he ever dreamed. Especially since I was the cause of his dream being crushed.

It was a very scary and surreal realization. I thank God for my strong mind to this day or I never would have survived what I’d gone through back then. No one knows some of the horrors I endured but I had no one to blame but myself.

What had I done?

The girl I had promised to help and stay in our home was around for three days. The last day she was there, when she left with no word to either of us. She had taken my entire world with her and my son’s as well, only we weren’t aware of it at that time.

Nothing would ever be the same again, I was about to find out.

I recall vividly my son running into my room one morning, crying and mad because she had taken the money out of his billfold that he’d received from his Daddy. He had been saving up and he had 70$ but now it was gone, and so was she.

Once I realized the hard fact that they were both gone, a chill ran through my entire body.

Right then, in my gut, I knew that I had somehow messed up, by allowing this woman into my home for those few days. I ran to my hiding place, under the box springs and was horrified when I grabbed the money bag from where I had so carefully hidden it. The money, or dream house money, over 30,000.00 was gone!
In that instant my team cold and my heart sank, pounding in my ears and it made me feel as if I were going to pass out right there. I was more or less in shock. Why does this type of crap always happen to me when all I wanted to do was HELP someone out of a horrific situation I once been in myself. We were learning how cruel and mean people really were. Was everyone just a thief and only out for themselves?

I had just wanted to help her because I understood where she was at in her violent relationship. I thought people had the same heart as I did but this woman proved me dead wrong. Just because I helped her, that didn’t stop her from abusing me like so many others had done before her, including my parents. I figured it was just going to keep hairline to me but I wasn’t worried about me, it was my son’s crushed dreams I was over there top about!

I felt those old emotions and feelings come back. The ADHD symptoms weren’t as bad during my addiction because I’m guessing that the cocaine kept my feelings and emotions quite numb, so they didn’t appear as often when I was I using. I’m no professional, but it makes sense to me, that was what caused that to happen. It was all I could do to hold it together and to this day I don’t know how on earth I did.

I had to worry about my son at that point because he was so devastated that my heart broke into millions of pieces, watching and listening to him get angry, only for him to turn around and be crying for his loss. In my mind, I was his mother and I had neglected to protect him just as I was unable to protect my daughter years before.

I felt so utterly worthless and useless and just no damn good. I didn’t deserve to live as far as I concerned. I had to be the WORST mother than ever lived, why me and why my babies? I never tried to hurt anyone so why was everyone trying to hurt us? I was lost and no clue what to do or where to start.

I silently begged God to save my son from this pain, knowing that it was my fault that he was hurting and I was the one who deserved all the pain, not my baby boy.

Since I had no money after this cunning burglary, I could not pay rent, and two months later we were evicted from our home. During this time, my son had stayed several nights with one of his classmates.

I had nowhere for us to go. I was lost and confused, but I wasn’t doing crack anymore, so that was a plus.

Thankfully, a classmate of my son’s, told his mom what was going on and she came to me, offering my son a home until I could get back on my feet. Relief that God had answered my prayer hit me and I remember feeling so grateful for this angel of a woman, offering her family and home to help my baby.

God had already been working on my son’s behalf. I didn’t care about myself, I just was to be sure that he was going to be taken care of while my gut cringed up painfully, with the thought of being away from him. I cannot find the words to tell you how dark and alone I felt, not to mention what a worthless piece of crap I was for allowing this to happen to us.

So he now has a bonus mom and bonus brothers in his life. At that time I was so grateful that my son would not be homeless with me, I saw her as an angel God had given him. Although since then, she and I have had our differences but that didn’t really matter to me. She didn’t care for very much but all I cared about was that she loved my son. It wasn’t about me. What mattered most to me that she was helping my son and I was beyond thankful for them and for them accepting my baby boy into their life as “family”.

๐Ÿ’œI tried harder than I ever tried before to get a job anywhere I could in my small hometown. Sadly, no one would consider hiring me because of my well known addiction problems. There was nobody that was willing to give me a chance. My son’s bonus mom seemed angry with me as time went on and I still had no job while in her mind, I should have been able to get a job regardless and that I couldn’t have been trying very hard. Would anyone ever believe in me again? Was I just meant to fall and hurt my children who I loved more than anything in this entire world?

I eventually had to move to the next town over, leaving my son to stay with his bonus family. I went the nearest homeless shelter because I was afraid if I stayed in my hometown, I would relapse once again. Above all else, I could NOT let that happen again. I had to show my strength for my son’s sake.

Years passed, and my son grew into a young man. I was never able to get any job steady anywhere, so we were probably never going to be able to live together as a family again. This was a sobering thought for me. I tried not to allow the guilt to harbor full force, but it took the reins anyway and did exactly that!

He stayed with that family that took him in when he had no other place to go until a few months ago. He is now planning on moving with his sister to Missouri to start a fresh life. Their Daddy passed a short time ago and they both need this fresh start. I’m gonna to miss him like crazy of course, but I wouldn’t hold him back for the world. He lost to much in his young life and I never wanted him to miss out on anything ever again. Especially, not because of me. He was better off without me I thought because all I seemed to do is hurt my kids. I could not fail this precious boy again.

My daughter has not spoken to me since 2015 nor has she let me see my grandkids. I don’t believe it had anything to do with the burglary situation but more to do with an online discussion we had on Instagram after I had moved to Longview, where I reside to this day. I’ve reached out to her countless times through email since she has me blocked on FB, only for me to receive a short response or no response at all. Well no response in being interested to get together and talk this out anyway. She is using the silent treatment on me and is very good at ignoring me. She sees me as someone who blamed others for my mistakes and that can’t be any further from the truth. She harbors a grudge longer than anyone I have ever known, except for her grandmother, my mother. She’s in contact with her of course and is my mother’s power of attorney.

There is a hole in my heart where her and the kids are supposed to be. I’m crushed because she refuses to acknowledge me anytime I ask her to talk this out with me, whatever the problem might be. Any correspondence I receive from her is vague and distant, short small talk if you will.

The problem is they I’m not sure why she’s not speaking to me. She hasn’t told me which leads me to believe believe she either doesn’t care or she’s waiting on me to figure out why by myself. I would just rather get together, hash it out and move on with our lives. What she’s doing now seems a lot like she’s playing games, making me sweat and paying me back.

She was speaking to me until 2015 and the only thing that happened after that was I was talking about my mother in a post that I had posted on FB, and she didn’t like that everyone could see it. Normally I’m not going to put it out there like that, but I had just been fed up that my mother always seemed to get by with everything and she would always make sure everyone knew I was the bad guy in her story, everytime.

Since I had been hooked on drugs and had mental issues earlier in my young adulthood, people believed anything she would say about me for the most part.

I’d had my fill, hence the post. All I can do is be here if she reaches back to me, and cry almost daily for the love of my little girl to come back. She’s grown into an amazing woman, and is an exceptional mother to two of my grandkids.

Lastly, my kids include one that I didn’t give birth to but she had my heart at the time. She was going through a lot in her young life and my heart broke for her. You could see the pain she was in but I felt so helpless to do anything. She wouldn’t allow me to. This other child, who I love dearly, is my bonus daughter. My son’s father’s daughter with his first wife. She has two girls that are precious and they are my bonus grandkids. She was 12 when I first met her and was quite the rebellious teen that had a bad attitude and acted out all time.

She didn’t like me at all from the beginning. I got frustrated with her from time to time but it was only because she didn’t listen to me. All I wanted to accomplish with her is that I wanted her to like me. She was my son’s sister and I wanted them to be close and I wanted a place in her life as well. It took years for us to become close to any degree, but she grew up from that rebellious young girl into a beautiful young woman that is an excellent mother, daughter and sister. They are my family. My son’s father’s entire family became my family, despite our rocky relationship and they are now the only family I have. My mother but to many years ago told me that I no longer had a family, they were her family, not mine. I was told to leave them alone, so I did. I’m referring to my mother’s side of the family. Not one of them ever tried to contact me after that, except one first cousin and her hubby that I still talk to regularly today.

I wish i could go back and change so many things but I can’t. It’s just so important for my kids to know exactly, how deeply I loved them back then and that I did my best with what I knew. I need them to know how much they mean to me and how much they mean to me now.

There’s an urgency inside of me, rushing me to let them know this. I pray one day that my daughter will forgive me and my prayer is that will happen before I leave this world. I’m at peace within myself and in the process of being at peace with God.

๐Ÿ’šPlease like my blog’s fb page
๐Ÿ’™Please like my fb page dedicated to my kids and grandkids

๐Ÿ’›Please like my fb page that is emotionally supportive to people with STIGMA related disorders and diseases. Including ADHD, adult ADHD, depression, anxiety, HIV/AIDS, obesity, and other mental disorders.

๐Ÿ’™ Please like my fb page for survivors of domestic violence.

๐Ÿ’š Please like my fb page for encouragement to never give up

๐Ÿ’œ Please like my fb page for emotional support and encouragement thru your life recovery journey (it’s not just recovery from addictions, it’s recovery from all of life’s challenges)

โค๏ธcheLLeโค๏ธ

๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’š Thanxxx for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’œ

๐ŸŒผyou may feel broken, but you don’t need fixing!!!

I believe that my main problem, for all these years, has been thinking that I had to “fix myself” in order to live my life at peace within. That is an untrue statement.

Society as a whole feels that if we are going through something, we must need to be fixed. I don’t think I need to be fixed. Sure, I have had life’s issues that blew up in my face, causing me to make bad decisions or go down the wrong road, but I don’t feel that means that I need “to be fixed“!

So, I’ve been actively researching this subject all week and this is what I have learned. Society sees you as “broken” for example, if you are an addict or if you suffer from any one of several mental disorders, such as: ADHD, schizophrenia, pstd, bipolar, and depression or if you are a victim of domestic violence or suchlike. This is an ongoing list of situations that some suffer from and because of this society feels that an individual must be “broken” or just needing to “be fixed” because they allowed themselves to get caught up in those life issues. It’s ridiculous!

Itโ€™s easy to think of certain feelings or thoughts as bad for us and we naturally want to make them stop. We avoid them, we distract ourselves, and then we ultimately try to fix these โ€œbrokenโ€ parts of our lives.

These parts of us are NOT broken. In fact, I believe that not one of us is “broken“.

The problem is the thinking that we are “broken“. The issue is not the anxiety. Itโ€™s the intense struggle within that the anxiety creates that’s the problem. It’s our own desire to be free from this overwhelming emotion that causes us to feel trapped. All we want to do is just find some relief, and to make it STOP. This is not the way to make it go away, you are only causing yourself more problems than you need.

The key is to stop trying to fix it, stop trying to change it, stop allowing it to be an overwhelming problem. Instead, just try to be willing and sit with the feeling and accept it. By doing this, it will, in time, erase the anxiety.

How do I do this you may ask? It takes 30 days to make a habit, and it also takes 30 days to break a habit. Your mind automatically allows anxiety take over out of habit. When your on purpose managing it as I describe below, you will be on the road to breaking that habit. After 30 days of practicing this technique, every single time the anxiety crops up, it will be more automatic for you to push through it easier in your mind.

It is really simple, yet it is not an easy thing to do. This takes an amazing amount of mind power and control to accomplish. However, it CAN be done!

It totally depends on how much you want to change this wrong thought process that leads to the anxiety overtaking your life.

I know this because I, myself, have gone through this process. Nobody told me this, I learned it entirely on my own. This is not for the weak of heart.

You have to accept this overwhelming anxiety for what it is. Worrying, trying to fix problems that cause your anxiety, or ignoring it WILL NOT help or alleviate it. Only attacking and facing it head on with acceptance will calm your mind, so that you are able to focus on solutions to the problems that caused you to allow the ANXIETY to control in the first place.

You have to ON PURPOSE put those devastating emotions to the side in your mind. You tell yourself that these emotions are not helping you and are only making those emotions climax in your mind. This must be done every single time it happens, otherwise it won’t stick.

Put your mind where it needs to be, not where it wants to go.

Anxiety can paralyze your entire body and mind so they cannot function. I have been bombarded with anxiety my entire life because I live with ADHD unmedicated. Whatever disorder you have, it will not stop you from achieving this, simply because you suffer from it. You can push past your disorder. This process works and you CAN do this!

So instead of spending hundreds on therapy for this issue, decide to conquer this demon head on, and in time the anxiety will diminish, allowing you to go forth, more confident in your life and in the decisions you make.

As I’ve stressed to you, this is not for the weak minded or weak of heart, because the mind power it takes from the beginning, is an extremely difficult thing to do. You have to take every once of strength you can muster, just to do this because at first it will happen SEVERAL times a day. It will get tiring but it’s either spend your time in the solution or spending time being miserable and causing yourself unwanted bouts of anxiety. Your choice!

Bit by bit, facing this issue head on will slowly but surely stop your problem with anxiety. By conquering these unwanted emotions, you will experience an intense sense of freedom that you have ever known!

Like my fb page Stop hating what you don’t understand

for support from stigma related diseases and emotional and mental disorders.

Like my blog fb page RAW thoughts from Chelle and be the first to see my blog posts before they are published!

โค๏ธ Thanxxx for reading โค๏ธ

Tears running down … ๐Ÿ’ง

The tears are not going to stop, they are running down my face.

My soul cringes,

knowing the tears will make the thoughts come alive.

Forever searching inside,

grabbing myself from deep inside

trying to hold it back

The need for reassurance is there

I must share my head with you,

it’s a must, guessing is not an option

Understand that it hurts

when you flippantly tell me that it’s none of my business…

try to “see” where I’m coming from,
Put your head where mine rests… Being afraid that one day you will say…
I’m hanging out with a new friend.

Crushed beyond reason is what I’d be

If that were to happen.

That’s why all you have to do is tell me

where your head is, because guessing is dangerous for me.

I need your honesty, not your anger,

Your acceptance, not your mean words….

Your understanding, not your condemnation.

Your reassurance, not your rude comebacks…

Because those are so unlike you… You are defensive for no reason,

Haven’t I earned

That much respect, and

haven’t I been true in our best friendship thus far?

It’s not you reporting, it’s simply YOU being kind to the one who is kind to you.

Reassurance would stop it all…

Please don’t keep it from me….

It’s not me trying to control you, it is YOU being

considerate of your bfwb…

that needs to be told, gently, that

No one is taking her place.

Reassurance would stop it all…

Those thoughts…

Dead in their tracks.

I don’t get why you won’t do that

just to help,

To make it easier…

Especially bc I’m trying very hard

To continue to trust.

Don’t make me pay with tears

because you know how much I care.

My heart is pretty fragile

but you think it’s made of steel…

It’s hard when negative

Enters in,

To continue to trust …. while reassurance would

Be so welcomed for needed peace,

Inside my heart.

What would it really hurt?

To tell me what’s up?

If you know how I mean it…

It’s for reassuring comfort, deep down inside me.

Other posts about my bffwb:
Where does the love go

NEVERLAND for mature

readers

A real man

Just maybe

Tears falling down

The imprint of you on my heart

Beyond the scope of normal for mature readers

Why

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray