๐Ÿ’งmemories … roll down my cheeks๐Ÿ’ง

โšก this post focuses on the fall of 2013, when we lost our home. My son, who was 15 at the time, was forced to move in with his two friends from school and their mom, because of a personal tragedy. I was so thankful they did and I know that God gave them to my son to help him during this pivotal time in his young life. There were rumors spreading faster than the speed of sound about me, in our small rural town. I was called every name in the book and made to feel as if I didn’t care about my son or the house I lost. What nobody saw or understood was that we both had lost our whole life. It was horrific at best. I had to leave town that following January and I moved to a larger town close by. I went to the homeless shelter there to try to pick up the broken and shattered pieces of our life.

๐Ÿ’‘ This is our story …

.. … dedicated to my amazing son, who is graduating ๐ŸŽ“ this month and the tragedy he faced that started the domino effect, through the obstacles he pushed through on his journey ๐Ÿƒeven after his fathers unexpected death ๐Ÿ‘ค he pressed on ๐Ÿ‘ฒ until the present day ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿš’ This poem focuses on how this bittersweet victory shows how determination ๐ŸŽ“ true love ๐ŸŒช๏ธ and heartache can anchor your soul ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐ŸŽ“ driving you to succeed ๐Ÿ™ against all odds ๐ŸŽ“

“… memories … roll down my cheeks …”

Remembering those memories from before …… of his tiny hands and feet, smiling baby cheeks, and as I remember more memories I picture … his chubby face – full of table food smears, birthday cakes and summer slides, of course popsicles – loved by all …. year after year …

Disdainfully, I cringe away from those dark painful thoughts – feeling a tight knot form in my throat … from hateful impressions … molded by haters … Who saw me as naught ……

The measure of unfathomed love inside me – would have filled close to one thousand worlds …

“my son was my smile simply because … I dreamed him into being, long before he was born ...”

but smiles fade … life’s tests and trials find you and you have no option but to maintain – otherwise there would be nothing to gain …

For reasons I can’t imagine – but liars … haters galore wouldn’t leave my mind … stress magnified probably close to one million times … I was unable to show my heart through my actions not even through my life – it wouldn’t have mattered – haters never care about the truth if they believe they see – they just hate – then lie, so … nobody at all tried to see, just how precious my baby boy was to me.

Our safety – our midnight talks, our schedule – my washing your socks – our dream – EVERYTHING THAT WE’D KNOWN – was gone – stolen outright … just like that – our life was forever removed – those cowards don’t know me but one day they will see – I damn sure will have something to prove …

After that monumental criminal attack – I didn’t allow anyone passage into my heart – not my soul – haters – fakers – thru and thru … users – because of them – I was beginning to grow cold …

.. Remembering precious memories before … of his many first days at school ~ the best outfits we could afford, the happiest of smiles and silly giggles and the joy I felt for him …

I never dreamed of what would soon come our way … years away … It would never

again be okay …

… in fact … suddenly …

… Smiles turned upside down, whirling and spiraling into the summer night breeze …

… transforming into fear, future time would realize that quick separation is near … stunned in the sense that life was unfair –

… crushed under the blanket of confusion mixed with frightened tears …

There was to be no relief in sight … no solace … after our smiles were reversed … I prayed to HIM “please lift this curse …”

” … If only I had known …”

What in the hell – if I would have known then – wtf would I do?

… Remembering memories before … of the beginning teenage years – the person he was yet to be – yet the baby that was right here – staring with his trusting eyes – looking straight at me ...

… Remembering …

… It hurts …

… it’s killing me that I am the cause – of our dream shutting down … I hurt him with my addiction and then … this had to happen to us and just take more away – my boy did nothing that deserved his life to be extinguished that day …
it’s painful to look back – yet … those memories … from years before … were all that I had about our life – that I still adored

I miss the life that was ruthlessly … viciously taken from us and it’s safe to say – I feel like my son probably feels the same way …

I’m not sure if I will ever be free – of the cloud holding – guilt, regret and pain – it comes around less often than it did at the start … I never wanted pity – I totally feel – deserving of those freaks – riding that cloud – ever since my son and I had … no choice but to part …

Suffocating … I cannot breathe as my heart constricts from intense gouging pains – while I recall …

cherished recollections …

… from priceless moments before …

chains from unmemorized tunes … playing furiously in the silent night mist …

Complete brokenness

Regret …

Guilt …

Tears …

Self hate …

… I was beginning to feel the pain leave quite slow … from times featuring minor dull aching thuds – crashing through my defenses – holding back several tons of undiscovered tears …

Frightened … foreboding heaviness – black hearts that clinch my soul …

… penetrating … sliding gracefully … closer … until it settles into the core of your essence … Crippling emotional pain โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ awakens โ€ฆ

… my sOuL …

“God” she cried, as her tear stained face looked up – toward the late night eerie sky …

Please don’t let my little boy lose his love for me …”

She knew he would be moving out soon, there was no other choice – her stomach churned violently – thoughts swarming her brain … Of far away wishes, prayers and dreams … haters would soon claim their win …

~ avoidance – was futile ~

… God saw it best to take my sweet boy away … from my care … soon after that …

It was for his best – I was aware – grateful I was – for the angel family that came from God … I knew that I wanted my boy to stay – “no option dammit” I cried inside – it was for his best – he would be safe, I knew … in their care …

that didn’t stop me from dying inside and feeling …

slicing pain – carefully imploding … behind the space reserved … wait … “he can’t be alone – I can’t either, I need him to much” was her silent, screaming – loud heart’s cry โค๏ธ

ringing – echoing in her head like a trumpet blast …

“Ohhh please Lord … go with him … please keep him free … from heart pain – give it all to melet him be free to be all he can be …”

Gripped in the throes of unnatural fate … Never before had she felt this disgrace …

She almost broke down and felt torn apart but how much more pain – her boy must have felt and was surely in fear … surely he was wanting his mom … he had to be scared … thinking with that fear – simply because she was no longer here …

How could she hold up … after she’d allowed his world to be … ripped … ferociously into shreds – she would somehow make it right …praying hard … with all of her might – praying and pleading … hoping God would agree …

She never again turned to drugs – not after her heart was ripped savagely away, don’t you see … of course rumors flew through town – I was doing everything … cowards cried – from drugs to only God knows what else … to myself I would say – after hearing those lies – I could not fall again – I wouldn’t have him hurting because I’d let him down …

“… not after this – I would from now on refrain …”

UNBEARABLE WAS THIS PAIN – FILLING HER WITH DREAD …

She silently promised her son … that she loved him beyond infinity plus one …

I would do anything to make it right …”

“I never should’ve invited the devil in our home of dreams – I was played well … I never recognized the evil scheme …”

Fear and regret were partners in crime

… attacking me …

… haunting my mind … bringing confusion – confusion brought guilt – guilt filled me with pain … apparently the poison from that beat me down more – yet again …

As she dissolved into tears … Feeling herself break inside, she would never be the same … But in her heart she claimed, that her boy wouldn’t go through this hell “not in vain” … “How would I manage” … she didn’t have a clue … she was shutting down … inside paralyzed … such raw emotions had demolished her sOuL …

“I cannot stand this God … please let this all be a bad dream”

– Signs of the trauma showed all over her face – could be felt by her body actually – she needed some encouragement to help plead her case …

My precious sweet son – I make you this promise that I will hold you inside – so very tight until the time arrives – when you and I reunite and choose together where to live and what school would you like – find a girlfriend and have her over a few times a week – maybe start a real family game night … Until then, my son, please don‘t depart – stay with me … inside – because …

“You are forever… enclosed in my heart”๐Ÿ’–

he is close by … in my heart …

my heart slowly cracked – just enough and the broken pieces were not thrown away … but … they hardened inside – there was only one thing that I knew would work – and that meant get down on my knees and pray …

… instead – those enhanced pieces of hardened heart – of far away taunts – unspeakable whispers – telling tales …

… creative yet silent muses – restless anxiety sprang forth in a soft misty spray – while … ignoring the dark places – we had just barely survived – the hell I let inside … swirling thoughts in a whirlwind cloud …

... patiently, I wait – “go away crazy jumbled thoughts” … I’m shaky … while being carried away – by ping pong ideas – animated – not making sense –

I had to gather myself and respectfully utter thanks … I didn’t know then … that our reunion would never take place …

… noone has a clue – the extent of our pain – that was felt intensely – that very dark day … massive guilt covered me – sticking around – weighing close to one thousand pounds …

Missing his face … hurting so bad because I knew – he was better off without me in his life … hateful dark thoughts – unnerved me – taunting me with words that said – I didn’t deserve a place in his life … I didn’t deserve to even be alive …

though I believed – those black thoughts were right – I pushed through daily – ignoring the shame – still nothing came through – no job – nothing at all … but … I couldn’t give up nor would I give in – it was hard as hell – I felt very small …

… during those next few – quite challenging yet detestable years …I never could seem to get up – in this world I feared …

REGRET still haunts me – I miss my precious baby – I love him sooo …

tears … guilt … pain … fear …

filled up my time during the next few years …

Memories … Remembering …

The hate she’d gone through for those haters she’d see … would prove that she had no choice, but to be tough and proceed …

… Remembering memories before … they would sneak passed my eyes slide down over my cheeks, only to be wiped away …

never to be forgotten …

… Regret is a pain that NEVER goes away. I live with it every day …

I own all my wrongs – I just would like this chance – for his permission, you see – for my boy to get to know me … again …

… the real me …

… The woman I am now is who he should have had – as a mom – I have such a desire and hard drive to show him

… how I can inspire and still be …

… who I should have been all along …

“… Do I dare hope?”

… Now, my baby is all grown up handling a busy life of his own …

… my love has NEVER changed from that very first memory day … that started from home … I hope my son knows this – I’ve loved him fiercely ever since he’s been gone …

… Although my feelings may not have been shown …

… in order to completely stake my claim, considering I’m grown …

…. OMG screw haters that say I’d been spouting off lies … sleeping around … smoking dope – I am so sick of being accused – of things I don’t do – just because I was an addict – I’m not allowed to be believed – just judged – juryed – and convicted … “Don’t y’all see, how unfair that can be” … “They wouldn’t see the truth – if it was right in front of their eyes” … “All I want is to be away from haters, cutthroats and folks that are mean – I want to be free …”

… Damn these thoughts …

Demons of emotional disorders, addiction and violence plagued me … through the years … he needed me most …

… That’s why I took all the violent abuse – that showed up in my life … from different people and in distinct harmful ways … I just tried to survive …

SELF DESTRUCTION

Everyone, including myself, thought I’d gotten what I deserved … Still, I catch guilt … It tries to pull me vehemently – away from his heart …

Ohhh God I MISS HIM SO BAD

REMEMBERING

… I just wasn’t the mother I wanted to be or the mom he certainly deserved – but … I silently craved myself to be …

The love in my heart for him, during challenges of past – would hold onto him – through all the stars that the sky did surpass …

“Most have said that I didn’t care because of the road I mistakingly chose to travel … and that’s why our tragedy took place … smfh … It was because I helped the wrong one but I thought I was doing it right …

“But, they didn’t know me nor did they care to see the real me inside – saying hateful things … they were judgemental and assuming – when … all I did was care – so damn much inside …

Where no one could see …

“My sweet baby boy, I will hold you forever … on the inside of me” โค

“CONGRATULATIONS SON”

๐Ÿ’‘ This is my amazing son – my heart baby boy, you have all it takes – to be a success at anything you set out to accomplish, there is no doubt. Always believe in yourself – no matter what anyone else may say. You are blessed dear son and you are so smart, funny, sweet, sensitive, determined, loyal, respectful and all around a very cool guy! The definition of “character” is this: the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual. “The concept of character can imply a variety of attributes including the existence of virtues such as empathy, courage, fortitude, honesty, and loyalty, or of good behaviors or habits.”
That definition describes you baby boy! That makes me so proud! Most people, of any age, are sorely lacking these coveted character traits. I’m so proud of you Kennodie, you are and will always be my hero!!! I’m honored to be your mom and although it took a village to raise you – LoL ๐Ÿ˜€ you went above and beyond any expectations that any of us could have ever imagined for you! I know your Daddy is bragging to everyone in heaven about his awesome son! You have your entire life in front of you and I have no doubt that God will continue to bless you beyond your wildest dreams! ๐Ÿ’‘ Know that your Moms heart is overflowing with so much love that is just for you. I will ALWAYS be here for you, I’m a phone call away and maybe you can call me more often ๐Ÿ˜

Sweetheart โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’›

I love you to the Moon and back through to infinity plus one!!!

๐Ÿ˜Š Please LIKE my FB page dedicated to my babies – MISSING MY BABIES

I have 3 kids and 4 grands ๐Ÿ’œ my son is the baby of the family!

๐Ÿ’™ Thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’š
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… my SouL cries … โค๏ธMY PERSONAL STORY (part three of three)

(foreword … continued from part two)

… One thing I neglected to mention earlier, was that my mother had come into money after my Grandpa died, as well as my Dad. My Grandpa had married a wealthy woman and all their money was being left to my Dad and to me. I was in my early thirties when Grandpa died. My mother had talked Grandpa into leaving the money that he was going to leave me, to her instead. She told him she didn’t trust me and that I was on drugs ~ which I was not, not at that time. He was in the beginnings of dementia so he wasn’t seeing her deceit. Bless his heart, he did what she requested and left it all to her. Three hundred thousand dollars is what he’d left to her, believing her promise to give it to me a little at a time when I needed it until I was 21. My two favorite aunt’s both told me the year after it happened, because I had no idea my Grandpa had any money to leave anyone. That was a big surprise to me. No one ever told me anything.

(part three … of three)

… Since I had been on the streets, I’d heard through the grapevine, that a girl I met while out there, needed help to get away from a violent boyfriend. Of course, I wanted to help, so I let her stay with me and my son while she decided her next course of action.

A few days before she came to stay, my settlement came through, and I picked it up from the lawyers office. I didn’t put it in the bank because I was going to spend it all on my cousins double wide trailer I was buying. So I hid it under my box springs, under my queen sized mattress. It was the older box springs that had little stair steps under the inside of them. I put the money that was in a bank bag, between those stair steps.

I had relapsed yet again a couple weeks before, for the fifth time and that pull it had, was definitely pulling me. I had a friend find me a dealer that would deliver to my house so I was not out on the roads. I wanted to be left alone so I smoked it most all by myself. My son was able to buy himself some cool new school clothes and other things he’d wanted. I was not so caught up that I wanted to spend all my money on drugs while during the times before, I didn’t care if I did or not.

My son had lived me through my entire addiction, and he knew what I was doing even before I realized it and trying to hide it. There would no hiding the fact that I was high on crack, because a drug like that is easily recognized once that pipe is hit.

My son knew but loved me anyway. To this day, I tell him he is my hero because he is the ONLY reason i didn’t seriously consider taking my life back then. I never seriously considered that in my life but it gave me an insight to how people could be in a certain place emotionally and would be able to do something like that to themselves. My son saved me from suicide and from relapsing again on COCAINE. He is my true hero forever. God gave me the best son ever, and I waved him to have all he ever dreamed. Especially since I was the cause of his dream being crushed.

It was a very scary and surreal realization. I thank God for my strong mind to this day or I never would have survived what I’d gone through back then. No one knows some of the horrors I endured but I had no one to blame but myself.

What had I done?

The girl I had promised to help and stay in our home was around for three days. The last day she was there, when she left with no word to either of us. She had taken my entire world with her and my son’s as well, only we weren’t aware of it at that time.

Nothing would ever be the same again, I was about to find out.

I recall vividly my son running into my room one morning, crying and mad because she had taken the money out of his billfold that he’d received from his Daddy. He had been saving up and he had 70$ but now it was gone, and so was she.

Once I realized the hard fact that they were both gone, a chill ran through my entire body.

Right then, in my gut, I knew that I had somehow messed up, by allowing this woman into my home for those few days. I ran to my hiding place, under the box springs and was horrified when I grabbed the money bag from where I had so carefully hidden it. The money, or dream house money, over 30,000.00 was gone!
In that instant my team cold and my heart sank, pounding in my ears and it made me feel as if I were going to pass out right there. I was more or less in shock. Why does this type of crap always happen to me when all I wanted to do was HELP someone out of a horrific situation I once been in myself. We were learning how cruel and mean people really were. Was everyone just a thief and only out for themselves?

I had just wanted to help her because I understood where she was at in her violent relationship. I thought people had the same heart as I did but this woman proved me dead wrong. Just because I helped her, that didn’t stop her from abusing me like so many others had done before her, including my parents. I figured it was just going to keep hairline to me but I wasn’t worried about me, it was my son’s crushed dreams I was over there top about!

I felt those old emotions and feelings come back. The ADHD symptoms weren’t as bad during my addiction because I’m guessing that the cocaine kept my feelings and emotions quite numb, so they didn’t appear as often when I was I using. I’m no professional, but it makes sense to me, that was what caused that to happen. It was all I could do to hold it together and to this day I don’t know how on earth I did.

I had to worry about my son at that point because he was so devastated that my heart broke into millions of pieces, watching and listening to him get angry, only for him to turn around and be crying for his loss. In my mind, I was his mother and I had neglected to protect him just as I was unable to protect my daughter years before.

I felt so utterly worthless and useless and just no damn good. I didn’t deserve to live as far as I concerned. I had to be the WORST mother than ever lived, why me and why my babies? I never tried to hurt anyone so why was everyone trying to hurt us? I was lost and no clue what to do or where to start.

I silently begged God to save my son from this pain, knowing that it was my fault that he was hurting and I was the one who deserved all the pain, not my baby boy.

Since I had no money after this cunning burglary, I could not pay rent, and two months later we were evicted from our home. During this time, my son had stayed several nights with one of his classmates.

I had nowhere for us to go. I was lost and confused, but I wasn’t doing crack anymore, so that was a plus.

Thankfully, a classmate of my son’s, told his mom what was going on and she came to me, offering my son a home until I could get back on my feet. Relief that God had answered my prayer hit me and I remember feeling so grateful for this angel of a woman, offering her family and home to help my baby.

God had already been working on my son’s behalf. I didn’t care about myself, I just was to be sure that he was going to be taken care of while my gut cringed up painfully, with the thought of being away from him. I cannot find the words to tell you how dark and alone I felt, not to mention what a worthless piece of crap I was for allowing this to happen to us.

So he now has a bonus mom and bonus brothers in his life. At that time I was so grateful that my son would not be homeless with me, I saw her as an angel God had given him. Although since then, she and I have had our differences but that didn’t really matter to me. She didn’t care for very much but all I cared about was that she loved my son. It wasn’t about me. What mattered most to me that she was helping my son and I was beyond thankful for them and for them accepting my baby boy into their life as “family”.

๐Ÿ’œI tried harder than I ever tried before to get a job anywhere I could in my small hometown. Sadly, no one would consider hiring me because of my well known addiction problems. There was nobody that was willing to give me a chance. My son’s bonus mom seemed angry with me as time went on and I still had no job while in her mind, I should have been able to get a job regardless and that I couldn’t have been trying very hard. Would anyone ever believe in me again? Was I just meant to fall and hurt my children who I loved more than anything in this entire world?

I eventually had to move to the next town over, leaving my son to stay with his bonus family. I went the nearest homeless shelter because I was afraid if I stayed in my hometown, I would relapse once again. Above all else, I could NOT let that happen again. I had to show my strength for my son’s sake.

Years passed, and my son grew into a young man. I was never able to get any job steady anywhere, so we were probably never going to be able to live together as a family again. This was a sobering thought for me. I tried not to allow the guilt to harbor full force, but it took the reins anyway and did exactly that!

He stayed with that family that took him in when he had no other place to go until a few months ago. He is now planning on moving with his sister to Missouri to start a fresh life. Their Daddy passed a short time ago and they both need this fresh start. I’m gonna to miss him like crazy of course, but I wouldn’t hold him back for the world. He lost to much in his young life and I never wanted him to miss out on anything ever again. Especially, not because of me. He was better off without me I thought because all I seemed to do is hurt my kids. I could not fail this precious boy again.

My daughter has not spoken to me since 2015 nor has she let me see my grandkids. I don’t believe it had anything to do with the burglary situation but more to do with an online discussion we had on Instagram after I had moved to Longview, where I reside to this day. I’ve reached out to her countless times through email since she has me blocked on FB, only for me to receive a short response or no response at all. Well no response in being interested to get together and talk this out anyway. She is using the silent treatment on me and is very good at ignoring me. She sees me as someone who blamed others for my mistakes and that can’t be any further from the truth. She harbors a grudge longer than anyone I have ever known, except for her grandmother, my mother. She’s in contact with her of course and is my mother’s power of attorney.

There is a hole in my heart where her and the kids are supposed to be. I’m crushed because she refuses to acknowledge me anytime I ask her to talk this out with me, whatever the problem might be. Any correspondence I receive from her is vague and distant, short small talk if you will.

The problem is they I’m not sure why she’s not speaking to me. She hasn’t told me which leads me to believe believe she either doesn’t care or she’s waiting on me to figure out why by myself. I would just rather get together, hash it out and move on with our lives. What she’s doing now seems a lot like she’s playing games, making me sweat and paying me back.

She was speaking to me until 2015 and the only thing that happened after that was I was talking about my mother in a post that I had posted on FB, and she didn’t like that everyone could see it. Normally I’m not going to put it out there like that, but I had just been fed up that my mother always seemed to get by with everything and she would always make sure everyone knew I was the bad guy in her story, everytime.

Since I had been hooked on drugs and had mental issues earlier in my young adulthood, people believed anything she would say about me for the most part.

I’d had my fill, hence the post. All I can do is be here if she reaches back to me, and cry almost daily for the love of my little girl to come back. She’s grown into an amazing woman, and is an exceptional mother to two of my grandkids.

Lastly, my kids include one that I didn’t give birth to but she had my heart at the time. She was going through a lot in her young life and my heart broke for her. You could see the pain she was in but I felt so helpless to do anything. She wouldn’t allow me to. This other child, who I love dearly, is my bonus daughter. My son’s father’s daughter with his first wife. She has two girls that are precious and they are my bonus grandkids. She was 12 when I first met her and was quite the rebellious teen that had a bad attitude and acted out all time.

She didn’t like me at all from the beginning. I got frustrated with her from time to time but it was only because she didn’t listen to me. All I wanted to accomplish with her is that I wanted her to like me. She was my son’s sister and I wanted them to be close and I wanted a place in her life as well. It took years for us to become close to any degree, but she grew up from that rebellious young girl into a beautiful young woman that is an excellent mother, daughter and sister. They are my family. My son’s father’s entire family became my family, despite our rocky relationship and they are now the only family I have. My mother but to many years ago told me that I no longer had a family, they were her family, not mine. I was told to leave them alone, so I did. I’m referring to my mother’s side of the family. Not one of them ever tried to contact me after that, except one first cousin and her hubby that I still talk to regularly today.

I wish i could go back and change so many things but I can’t. It’s just so important for my kids to know exactly, how deeply I loved them back then and that I did my best with what I knew. I need them to know how much they mean to me and how much they mean to me now.

There’s an urgency inside of me, rushing me to let them know this. I pray one day that my daughter will forgive me and my prayer is that will happen before I leave this world. I’m at peace within myself and in the process of being at peace with God.

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โค๏ธcheLLeโค๏ธ

๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’š Thanxxx for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’œ