Perpetual madness of the mind

I feel lost …

Alone…terribly alone …

Fighting back is getting old …

I’m ready for someone to take my hand, telling me I’m not alone. Tears drop silently down onto the chilly, dark night ground.

I’m so cold inside my soul, shivering through to my bones. I try to concentrate in hopes this apprehension calms down inside. It’s not a physical cold, it’s from the inside out.

Shaky inside from my head to the tips of my toes, my feet, sludging along, as if in quicksand, my brain hurts, throbbing into the secret parts of my very soul.

Heinous taunts come from the thoughts that aren’t mine, making this world seem unfeeling, not giving me any consolation. Making me stay in this miserable place. No matter how I fight, I cannot leave.

I’m not fully depressed, that’s the whole thing. This crazy disorder I’ve dealt with forever is the culprit and stress only magnifies the intensity of the anxiety, depression and ADHD blackness.

After this feeling leaves, I simply brush it off and go on. It lasts so long; however, I’m always grateful when it’s gone.

Feeling wrung out from the energy it takes to go through what I’ve described above.

I’m just pleased it’s over, for now anyway, but knowing it will return again soon enough …

I cringe …

I can handle the hyper moments because I’m at my most creative during those exuberant times.

I won’t sleep for days at a time and I write, write, write my little heart out.

It’s almost like I’m on drugs, it’s euphoric almost! I almost don’t want meds for it because of these “high” times.

No, it’s these moments as I related above, that pitches me straight into the pit of hell. The hopeless, dark, cold and lonely world.

The stronghold is real and harrowing, nevertheless you will feel as if it will never end …

… infinity.

I can certainly see how some want to die to get out, yet my soul would never let me take myself away.

It will last as long as “it” decides and I’m stuck, riding those crashing waves. Holding on for dear life, as they beat me down, struggling to keep my thoughts mine.

Slowly it happens, and when it’s over, I go back to ordinary things but I know before long, I will be transported back to the blackness.

God does, thankfully, look out for me during these nosedives into hell, otherwise I know I would never be released.

ยฉchellesRAWthoughts

โค๏ธโ€œADHD depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the doorโ€

๐Ÿ’œ LIKE my Facebook page that focuses on stigma related disorders, illnesses and diseases.

โญ For help with ADHD depression click this link and they will help you find help with ADHD mental illness in your area.

โญ Click here to take the test to see if you are suffering from ADULT ADHD.

๐Ÿ’™ thank you for reading, commenting, and following ๐Ÿ’š
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๐Ÿ’” mommy dearest ๐Ÿ’”

๐Ÿ’” revised post from mother’s day this year ๐Ÿ’”

I couldn’t believe it … when I was first told … the person that raised me was for real is a petty mean troll … She was hateful indeed and there was no doubt … that loathing she did went beyond way up and out … Yet my being raised so out of control … it was the devil from hell that wanted my soul …

Once I knew that she loved to hurt me … she sure did that that to me a lot indeed … On purpose was her pain … aimed directly at my brain … where it was disordered yet sane … although crazy causing anxiety in my brain …

For years, I made it my mission that I’d find a way to please … the evil monster she was … while up to appease … The orders she tried to succumb … yet instead she managed to regain control over some …

She blamed me for several … of covered up wrongs … my disorder playing like an old song … with her look of disgust … that quickly became a must … to settle on down … to calm my fears while coveting my trust …

She hated on me … for many years more…. while telling me I was never going to be any good … that I was brainless and dumb … I was told time and again … I knew better and when … I disagreed with her … it was much to her chagrin …

Feeling ashamed that I was being stupid all over again … I had no real guidance that gave me a start … with me … grasping for instructions on the minute details of her black heart …

Through the cloudy ADHD haze … disordered and dazed … feeling the hatred from her arrive … for her it’s just in due time … realizing then that she must … not love me … while claiming that I was the one that was acting real bad … yes that had to be me …

I’d feel so bad that I couldn’t be good … this evil woman I’d begun to hate … while I realized that I would never be understood … her knowing that goodness … freely flowed out of me … that depressing blanket of black … hovered above me … while covering up the unimpeachable … just step back, wait and see …

Paralyzing taunts from the evil in her …. that plagued my thoughts … I certainly was not any old amatuer … ONLY WANTING HER TO LOVE ME … all that now thank God is a blur … Yet all I could do then … is pray that everything was going to be okay …

She turned my sweet … my baby girl … into a mini little “she” … told her fake news all about me … making me want to flee … these roads while just leaving all this be …

I was slipping away into that cold dark pit – that was harrowing, scary and warm not a bit … why do I always get accused of being an irritating brat …

… the fact that I’m really smart … isn’t very well known and she lied to me … which definitely did set the pace … it’s set in stone and unfortunately for me … I fell in disgrace and her presence followed me … lurking all around the place …

she was always telling more lies about me … unforgettable yet still absurd … now as I look back on those shameful days thankfully those days of old … I often never ever heard … the apologies resounding from her frosty cold soul …

she’s never going to accept me, ever I thought … that I’d never make it back from all of the dark words and shameful taunts …

the evil clinging inside of her brain – is way hotter than hell … I would never be the same … so much confusing chaos … all around her while silently praying but to no avail … she’d go head first … crashing through my many mistakes … while holding them all not just one … over me with no brakes …

I don’t feel guilty or anything bad … because I’m free to hate her now … for any unpleasantness that narcissists spread … The guilt as the scapegoat almost suffocated me many years ago … from the lies, calling names and with references that I’d been born from down below …

throughout each night … from daylight to dark … I’d been brought down real low … I should’ve fallen apart …

I craved for her to acknowledge me … for her to be proud … knowing it was doubtful at best .. yet somehow I was meant to believe … there has to be some good in everyone …

narcissists don’t have one ounce of good … so now I no longer care if she acknowledged me back then or not … I was completely blown over when shown what she was … that day not very easily forgot …

I learned the hard way that she would never feel love for me or for you … while strolling along in life … Hopelessly … she’d groan causing so much strife … and with pain coming down … directly aimed at my soul … I wasn’t about to let anyone know …

I’m finally free ever since I’ve known what label she supports … masking emotions and things of that sort …

Manipulators and controllers stay busy all about … I tried so long to be a real good girl … there should be no doubt …

I feel as if in a bind of chaos inside foggy clouds … I was unable to verbalize my feelings out loud … being locked in my own little world every day … so so quiet … still sensing her hate unmasking when she’d fake a smile at me ..

I was finally released … from her diabolical mind … my memories from then are ultimately at peace … I would no longer wish for her to be kind …

I rode out the hard pain … that hovered … barely … above me … while having thoughts that I feared that mostly involved you as well as me …

I am finally at the point in my life … I no longer have feelings … not for nor about her … and I no longer tolerate any damn strife … I am at peace inside knowing my worth “as it were” …

๐Ÿ’” if you or someone you know is a daughter of a narcissistic mother ๐Ÿ’” reach out to them … they need someone to understand them and the depth of their immense emotional pain … because they believe everything is their fault … ๐Ÿ’” when it’s not …
๐Ÿ’” here are some informative and helpful links ๐Ÿ’”

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: A Bond Made of Selfishness and Coldness

Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers

The Incredible Healing Power of Reddit’s ‘RaisedbyNarcissists’ Support Group

Do You Have A Narcissistic Mother?

8 Common, Long-Lasting Effects of Narcissistic Parenting

What happens when you live in the shadow of a narcissistic parent?

The Invisible War Zone: 5 Ways Children Of Narcissistic Parents Self-Destruct In Adulthood

๐Ÿ’” thank you for reading, following and
commenting ๐Ÿ’”

Broken beyond recognition

I’m breaking, my heart is completely breaking right now. I’m broken but I’m going to have to be okay. I just don’t know how the fuck I’m going to be okay

I don’t know if I am going to be able to handle what I feel may be coming.

I feel that it may be time to let things go, I just don’t feel that the situation is the same anymore and I cannot keep feeling that, staying where I am and be okay.

Not after seeing what I didn’t see, today!

Not if there’s a reason to hide something ~ anything … FROM ME! Once that is shown, deep down I know,

That needs to move around. They flipped, not me. I will offer option and by the reply, I will know …

But FUCK IT HURTS like a bitch …

No one cares

I’m all alone and I’m terrified to be …

What is it, is it me?

I never saw this coming but it’s here, and I tell myself you will want to stay …

With what we have is enough and not to much, unless it’s someone else and your just not telling me, because you truly don’t want me to hurt …

It would hurt less if I knew a hundred percent, that’s also more respectful, so that’s a definite hint …

My stomach aches and I’m going to throw up, no matter how you may feel, please respect my heart …

I’m petrified would actually better describe, the deep ass pain throughout my gut, stabbing me through to the other side …

It’s killing me deep down …

But a woman knows …

what vibes she’s getting, even if they may not know what vibes they’re giving …

A woman knows …

Dammit wtf have I done to deserve this paramount of pain?

All I ever did was love you beyond all reason, that’s all. That was my crime and from day one I knew I would eventually pay the price …

I really just don’t matter anymore, I’m boring to you maybe and that’s why you don’t want to ever hang …

anymore, like we did, damn I thought that shit was fun and insane …

Just come out and tell me boo bear … whatever it is … put me out of my misery before I enter a hospital instead …

It’s my own fucking fault but who knew the pain would be away, hiding way past the stars … I knew it would pounce one day, always hoping it was never tomorrow …

But today it is ๐Ÿ˜ญ

๐Ÿ˜I write this from an ADHD moment … where our thoughts are rampant and raging throughout our body 90,000 times per second … I thought wrong thoughts about my guy and thank God he’s so incredibly patient with me ๐Ÿ˜
๐Ÿ’œ Thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’š

Agonizing fear ๐Ÿ˜ต

(This post that I created in February 2019 explains the insecurities I had early in my relationship with my bfab because of toxic relationships in my past. It also shows how my ADHD brain was going into overdrive and it also takes a look at how FEAR can paralyze you, emotionally and sometimes physically.)

Agonizing fear

Terror lashes out at me … paralyzing my entire body … numbness overwhelmes the deep parts of my soul … painful doubts stab through my heart …

Shaking …

trembling …

” … oh no, am I going to be abandoned, thrown away or chunked into emotional duress? …”

“No!

I cannot allow this again …”



Why?” kept going through my thoughts … “he is different and has a purpose in my life … he wouldn’t leave me” … my thoughts seemed to be mine … but not …


Braving myself for a painfuL emotional jaunt … which  continuously … scattered the shredded pieces of my heart ... floating through memories of before when my heart was young …   and how lethal people … raped my sOuL … time after time …


choking …



barely am I able to breathe … I would never make it … if he left … my thoughts were my own … still … but not …

” … I need you” …  my mind screams … roaring … inside my aching head …

… please don’t leave me isolated and hopelessly afraid …

“… I really do need you … it’s so beyond you causing my heart to race …”

anxious tingles …

… Coming at me from all over – SUDDENLY – the agonizing fear grips and hurts way deep down

in my gut …

“Why do I feel that something is wrong?”

” … please … I truly need you” ๐Ÿ’‹

… my very gut cries out …   AGONIZING … from deep within the darkness … that’s inside of me … while it turns into light … if only for a moment …

Wow … I really mattered enough … MIRACLE … you have shown me that I am  importantI matter … never would I dared to dream … I would feel again … this way …

I FINALLY found one true angel in this horrible world …  See how much you have truly blessed my hurting soul ever since that first night when we met …

… This is a true grown up beyond normal love, not a feeling ๐Ÿ˜ that I could have ever imagined … 

… Realization hits me …

My gut has always been right … why didn’t I trust that when my soul cries …  it was trying to alert me … I am ever so grateful …

“… Thank you I cried silently … You gave me back … Me …”

๐Ÿ’œ May 27, 2019 โ€ฆ “This poem was written before I totally understood what true Loyalty meant. I’d never received it before so I thought this man would leave me the same way all the others left me.  I was to discover that this man was cut from a totally different cloth than the rest. He showed me I mattered. 
He gave me the best and most amazing gift in this world.  Meeeeeee ๐Ÿ˜‡ Thank you to my guy … My bfab … My hero” ๐Ÿ˜

Like my fb page that is dedicated to my bfab (best friend and beyond)

Other posts inspired by my bfab ~

Where does the love go

A real man

Just maybe
Tears falling down
The imprint of you on my heart

Why

To scared to pray
๐Ÿ’œThank you for reading, commenting, and followingโค๏ธ