๐Ÿ’• where does the love ๐Ÿ’• go? revised 04-21*

Have you ever had so much love inside of you but you had no place to place it?

If that sounds like you, then can relate to this post!

Where does the love go ๐Ÿ’‹

That feeling of having so much love inside and no place to give it, hits hard then overwhelms and overpowers you, and you can feel the void of where the love was supposed to go. That void hurts a million times more than not having somewhere safe for it to be placed …

The dark hole does still ache, tremendously and deep, inside of my chest. Paralyzing, way deep down inside yet numb, from the stark realization, that there is nowhere close for me to lay, the love that’s way deep down in my heart.

The void he has is still there, I feel it with fear and he’s blocking the place and making it hard to find that part of his heart where the love cried to go, so I felt that I’d just lost my case …

He lives almost an hour away ๐Ÿ˜ข so I don’t see him as often as my heart would okay. Holding me at a distance … unknowingly I think …

Day by day he gets further away from that secret place, He dives straight into that void and it’s deep in his heart …

Nevertheless, my ache has kept on, sadly aware and realizing there’s nowhere at all, in such a place, for my love to be accepted and given, without losing face …

The ache grows stronger for the love that it’s missed – gut wrenching pain, slicing straight to my heart and it hurts so bad while …

Scaring me through the dark parts of my soul … making my love close off the void that was placed in his heart …

That void in him longs to be filled … regardless of his fear that my love will get loose and then will depart … sneaking away … while he’s doing his part …

What he needs to know is that I’m here to stay and I can be what’s deep in his heart …

It’s really quite painful when the fear of never having him begins … ever so slowly until the crescendos begin … up past the very ceiling that shields you within …

It’s a horrible ache stabbing into my soul that I’ve ever known because of one heart …

I can promise you, right from the start. I will never depart, it’s worth it to me from the tale of two hearts …

In some way it halts the love … that’s patiently waiting just to be placed … I know there’s love for me in that guarded heart … it’s okay because I already know before he tells me that part …

Tears fall for the love that is right in your face … by wanting to be noticed so much I may break … that makes it impossibly difficult for my love to be placed …

It’s the distancing he automatically does that can be felt in a flash … he neglects to acknowledge any one certain fact …

The love he silently craves … is hiding within but he keeps it so far … away from his heart yet she still needs a place … that her love can lie and won’t depart …

In his mind he may ask … Is it plausible that this secret love has a face …

He’s loyal and good just resisting love in any form … keeping love away while not showing the real him inside that I’ve somehow always known …

I yearn to bond with his mind like before and our intimacies that would blow me away so far …

… out in space … and that kept me screaming his name all over the place …

I felt his defenses spring up from his core … from a secret place in him … a place that my heart would adore to explore …

Do you feel his void and my crushing ache, while hurting so bad …

… simply because my love, craves to be placed …

He used to radiate the thought that my love was approved … simply because he didn’t run … the entire time that he knew …

He seemed to good to be true and I see that in every sweet special thing that he’s done … I’m over the top that he’s my boo … it’s not a coincidence that this begun …

Love tries to escape from the depths of my core … to rush to the void and quickly fill his heart …

… only finding distance … which made my love turn around .. silently begging him not to depart …

.

… with deep labored breaths that seemed forced from my lungs … the void that he has secretly aches … yet the void silently tells me … that my love was noticed and appreciated and really need to be placed …

The way he makes love to me is wild …

… and then …

He stares at me with an intense look … while doing incredible things to my bod … when … I truly don’t want it to ever – ever end …

It’s all about him … conquering that fear … that all women are the same so those chances are slim … that he will shed not one tear …

Well, that’s not true and she’s right here beside you holding the mark … and the bond that you’ve shared deep down in both hearts …

She’s craved it to be … inside of her most secret place … but past demons appear to fill his void right in his face …

… instead …

… doing nothing but making his heart again fill with dread … that’s why there’s no room for my love to reside … in his secret place that my love craves to lie …

… wanting him to report … NO it wasn’t true … yet he believed it so much … it was hard not to misconstrue … being cemented and concreted just because of little trust … oh how he silently wanted it all so much …

It will … eventually … haunt him while causing him to wonder yet … Is her love really true … not wanting more than I’m able to give?

All that love I have way deep inside, waiting to be placed somewhere for my love not to hide.

I have all this love for you bursting inside, away from your doubts in order for your heart to allow me inside.

Letting you get deep into your stride, trying not to collide with your need for space.

While way deep inside, of my secret place, where I’m holding this love that is turned on by you, and with an ominous ache is his void is so huge? Since the love that I hold onto HARD yet, deep down inside, while knowing that it’s not allowed to be placed.

He’s protecting his spirit and I can relate while mine, can conquer and divide the demons that harass and take place, while making him keep it from love that’s shown in his face.

Yet he’s scared to release that small secret place where he let love come close – but he didn’t give place, harboring things that would have made others break.

He then showed me the side of his hero part to, he’s so brave and so strong –

I hear me now and I’m crying for you…

Moving robotically, day by day and shuffling through all the mess in my way.

The weight of that ache, settled deep in my mind, wishing hard and praying loud, screaming for that love to please be found.

Then, maybe his heart will come out and see, that my love needs to fill, that void and him not flee.

With him not wanting it, yet sensing he wanted it so, his heart could be healed by allowing a path for true love to grow. God had surely set them up to meet and get close inside his heart. His spirit had spoken up and with that pic in his mind, damn all of the sudden, he turned from me and groaned, then he closed himself off to the trails of my mind.
I’m holding on, with all of my might, slightly frantic it seems because I don’t want this fight. I want everything to remain the same, with our hot sexy times and yet I still need to know, “are we still exclusive deep down in your mind?”,

…all the while knowing, there’s no room in his heart, for him to be mine.

I knew from the start that I would probably get hurt deep down to the very core of my heart. He’s that precious to me to have in my life, that he’s keeping his distance doesn’t change the want that’s way deep down inside that special place that’s deep down in my heart.

Just remember, it all started with his void deep inside, where my love wanted to go and lay down to reside. He’s held me in his strong arms, no fear that I can see, he makes everything negative stay away from me.

Sometimes my love was allowed to get close and deep down inside.

just not quiteโ€ฆ

and that’s partly because my love was secretly keeping his hope alive!

Despite what he showed me that he didn’t want, any part of my love, that I have deep down in my heart …

Secretly he wished for a love so grand that it would put to shame, any past that he had.

He was fighting inside, perilously close to his heart… Whether or not to allow these feelings I’ve felt since the day that we met.

My hope is that one day, love would be allowed fully to see, and deep enough for the love to “feel“, all snuggly …

and warm way deep down inside, yet needing to rest and being right beside, the place, where his hope let’s my love survive!

With a lot of joy and hope just out of my reach, I knew this routine way better than most, also knowing inside of my deep down space, where I need his void to let my love to be placed.

Teasing me relentlessly, the strings of my heart, and waiting for patience, yet craving him hard.

The ache will never go away, for that person you need, your craving them relentlessly, just wanting your love to get deep down inside and take their void by surprise, so they will certainly survive!

There will be none to replace this one in my heart, he will forever have the key, to my heart , where my love lived right from the start!

Asking finally, where does my love go, if not to him? Answer. That love that is his and his alone will just wait around until it’s shown, that is okay to fill that void of his.

If that never happens… My love will still be right here outside just loving him anyway through everything indeed!

๐Ÿ’‹LIKE MY FB PAGE DEDICATED TO MY BEST FRIEND AND BEYOND ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’œ Finding your best friend with benefits

Read these posts about my bffwb:

Just maybe

NEVERLAND for mature readers

Where does the love go

Tears falling down

Beyond the scope of normal for mature readers

A real man

The imprint of you on my heart

Why

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray

โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’› Thanxxx for reading and commenting and following โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’›
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… yOu … me …

I stay up at night thinking of

… yOu …

the BEAUTY of yOur sOuL radiates into

… me …

causing me to feeL

… yOu …

the amazement of yOu creates in

… me …

a deep excitement in seeing

… yOu …

causing a hurricane of thoughts in

… me …

I’m in wonderment of the essence of

… yOu …

yOu make my heartbeat throb …

… me …

I cause the naughty thoughts in…

… yOu …

yOu make tingles shoot through

… me …

making the private parts on

… yOu …

seek out the intimate parts on

… me …

making the emotions on

… yOu …

grab my face and begin kissing

… me …

while I grab for the hugs from

… yOu …

instead it’s yOu wanting from

… me …

my body pressed up against

… yOu …

clinging to the sOuL of

… me …

that brings out the radiating sOuL of

… yOu …

causing yOu to explode in

… me …

makes me gush all over

… yOu …

trembling – yOu hold

… me …

as tightly as I hold

… yOu …

sleep soon will come to

… me …

my heart will always belong to

… yOu …

ยฉchellesrawthoughts

โœ”๏ธ LIKE my FB page Finding your best friend and beyond that’s in honor of my guy and what we have that’s so amazing.

๐Ÿ‘ซ thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ‘ซ

Agonizing fear ๐Ÿ˜ต (revised 05-27-19)

(This post that I created in February 2019 explains the insecurities I had early in my relationship with my bfab because of toxic relationships in my past. It also shows how my ADHD brain was going into overdrive and it also takes a look at how FEAR can paralyze you, emotionally and sometimes physically.)

Agonizing fear

Terror lashes out at me … paralyzing my entire body … numbness overwhelmes the deep parts of my soul … painful doubts stab through my heart …

Shaking …

trembling …

” … oh no, am I going to be abandoned, thrown away or chunked into emotional duress? …”

“No!

I cannot allow this again …”



Why?” kept going through my thoughts … “he is different and has a purpose in my life … he wouldn’t leave me” … my thoughts seemed to be mine … but not …


Braving myself for a painfuL emotional jaunt … whichย  continuously … scattered the shredded pieces of my heart ... floating through memories of before when my heart was young …ย ย  and how lethal people … raped my sOuL … time after time …


choking …



barely am I able to breathe … I would never make it … if he left … my thoughts were my own … still … but not …

” … I need you” …ย  my mind screams … roaring … inside my aching head …

… please don’t leave me isolated and hopelessly afraid …



“… I really do need you … it’s so beyond you causing my heart to race …”


anxious tingles …




… Coming at me from all over – SUDDENLY – the agonizing fear grips and hurts way deep down

in my gut …

“Why do I feel that something is wrong?”



” … please … I truly need you” ๐Ÿ’‹

… my very gut cries out …ย ย  AGONIZING … from deep within the darkness … that’s inside of me … while it turns into light … if only for a moment …

Wow … I really mattered enough … MIRACLE … you have shown me that I amย  importantI matter … never would I dared to dream … I would feel again … this way …

I FINALLY found one true angel in this horrible world …ย  See how much you have truly blessed my hurting soul ever since that first night when we met …


… This is a true grown up beyond normal love, not a feeling ๐Ÿ˜ that I could have ever imagined …ย 


… Realization hits me …

My gut has always been right … why didn’t I trust that when my soul cries …ย  it was trying to alert me … I am ever so grateful …

“… Thank you I cried silently … You gave me back … Me …”

๐Ÿ’œ May 27, 2019 โ€ฆ “This poem was written before I totally understood what true Loyalty meant. I’d never received it before so I thought this man would leave me the same way all the others left me.ย  I was to discover that this man was cut from a totally different cloth than the rest. He showed me I mattered.ย 
He gave me the best and most amazing gift in this world.ย  Meeeeeee ๐Ÿ˜‡ Thank you to my guy … My bfab … My hero” ๐Ÿ˜

Like my fb page that is dedicated to my bfab (best friend and beyond)

Other posts inspired by my bfab ~

Where does the love go

A real man

Just maybe
Tears falling down
The imprint of you on my heart

Why

To scared to pray
๐Ÿ’œThank you for reading, commenting, and followingโค๏ธ

…. 5 ways to wait positively, while hoping to be noticed in the writing world …

Waiting, as a writer, to get noticed or to land a writing position is painstakingly hard as well as slow, when your new and trying to make a name for yourself and having little or no experience under your belt. You just know that is your passion.

There is a lot of work that goes along with getting yourself “out there” for a company or someone in authority to see your writing passion and skills. You need to build a portfolio of writings and this takes time. That’s why I started my blog, that and I had hoped to learn how to make money with it as well.

You may apply for 1,000+ jobs and get nothing. You may get a few these I received,

… “Dear Melodie M, Thank you for your application regarding a freelance writing position. After further review of your credentials, we will not be moving forward with the hiring process at this time” … Blah, blah, blah …

All these things together will put you into a funk and there are five crucial ways that you can stay positive while you are waiting!!!

I get on a roll and write two or three blog posts and then nothing for over a week . Anyone else have this problem?

I’ve applied for at least thirty remote jobs in one day for every day these past two months. I’m determined and I’m not stopping until I land one.

However, it gets so crazy, once you have done this every single day for two months without stopping, it completely wears on your nerves. Applying, rewording your letters and bio, rewording your resume, creating numerous profiles on websites that employers go to when they are looking to hire writers, it gets old and making all those profiles and applying daily with no reply or only receiving refusals, doesn’t have a very positive effect on you, I know!

It’s work to remain positive and to keep that passion burning bright!

But you can’t give up, and here are some ways I try to stay positive through those dark times:

1) One way to wait is not to get mad at yourself if your not writing at the moment. Don’t beat yourself up about not publishing or starting a blog post. Just accept that and allow yourself to relax and do things you may not do when your at the top of your writing game. I know I love to play Words With Friends because it stimulates my mind yet relaxes it as well. Don’t feel guilty just enjoy it! Allowing yourself to just relax is a big deal, so do it!

2) If your like me and seeing double letters on a page, you seriously need to tear yourself away from anything having to do with writing and job seeking. Spending time with friends and family is a positive way to spend your waiting time. Go out to lunch, go get your nails done, go to park or hang at home. The world will not end if you take a couple of days off from writing and/or applying from writing jobs.

3) Do something you haven’t done before! Take a hike, visit a new place, try out some new intimate things with your partner or just take a nap! Doing something you normally don’t do will help you while your waiting and it won’t seem like tedious work when you return to it!

4) Help others while your waiting. This is a sure fire way to get your mind off YOU.

You can also continue this when your sending out resumes and writing your next blog post! Helping others ALWAYS helps us inside as well! It’s a win-win situation!

5) If writing is your passion, like it is mine, then take time while your waiting to mentally prepare for when you return writing. Maybe your getting tired of it, maybe it’s getting to be to much! Writing and sending out applications and tweaking your resume are perilous duties when your downcast. So pep yourself up, give yourself a pep talk. Remind yourself why you love to write in the first place! If your mentally prepared for this, then you can change your feelings and stop feeling so downcast about it!

Positive thinking is the basis of these tips.

It does work because it has worked for me in the past. It takes a lot of mind power and control but it CAN be done if your determined enough.

Those are my little ways of breaking through the drudgery while breaking into a writing career. It is not for the weak of heart that’s for sure!

Keep doing it until you get what you want!

๐Ÿ’™ Thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’œ

๐ŸŒผyou may feel broken, but you don’t need fixing!!!

I believe that my main problem, for all these years, has been thinking that I had to “fix myself” in order to live my life at peace within. That is an untrue statement.

Society as a whole feels that if we are going through something, we must need to be fixed. I don’t think I need to be fixed. Sure, I have had life’s issues that blew up in my face, causing me to make bad decisions or go down the wrong road, but I don’t feel that means that I need “to be fixed“!

So, I’ve been actively researching this subject all week and this is what I have learned. Society sees you as “broken” for example, if you are an addict or if you suffer from any one of several mental disorders, such as: ADHD, schizophrenia, pstd, bipolar, and depression or if you are a victim of domestic violence or suchlike. This is an ongoing list of situations that some suffer from and because of this society feels that an individual must be “broken” or just needing to “be fixed” because they allowed themselves to get caught up in those life issues. It’s ridiculous!

Itโ€™s easy to think of certain feelings or thoughts as bad for us and we naturally want to make them stop. We avoid them, we distract ourselves, and then we ultimately try to fix these โ€œbrokenโ€ parts of our lives.

These parts of us are NOT broken. In fact, I believe that not one of us is “broken“.

The problem is the thinking that we are “broken“. The issue is not the anxiety. Itโ€™s the intense struggle within that the anxiety creates that’s the problem. It’s our own desire to be free from this overwhelming emotion that causes us to feel trapped. All we want to do is just find some relief, and to make it STOP. This is not the way to make it go away, you are only causing yourself more problems than you need.

The key is to stop trying to fix it, stop trying to change it, stop allowing it to be an overwhelming problem. Instead, just try to be willing and sit with the feeling and accept it. By doing this, it will, in time, erase the anxiety.

How do I do this you may ask? It takes 30 days to make a habit, and it also takes 30 days to break a habit. Your mind automatically allows anxiety take over out of habit. When your on purpose managing it as I describe below, you will be on the road to breaking that habit. After 30 days of practicing this technique, every single time the anxiety crops up, it will be more automatic for you to push through it easier in your mind.

It is really simple, yet it is not an easy thing to do. This takes an amazing amount of mind power and control to accomplish. However, it CAN be done!

It totally depends on how much you want to change this wrong thought process that leads to the anxiety overtaking your life.

I know this because I, myself, have gone through this process. Nobody told me this, I learned it entirely on my own. This is not for the weak of heart.

You have to accept this overwhelming anxiety for what it is. Worrying, trying to fix problems that cause your anxiety, or ignoring it WILL NOT help or alleviate it. Only attacking and facing it head on with acceptance will calm your mind, so that you are able to focus on solutions to the problems that caused you to allow the ANXIETY to control in the first place.

You have to ON PURPOSE put those devastating emotions to the side in your mind. You tell yourself that these emotions are not helping you and are only making those emotions climax in your mind. This must be done every single time it happens, otherwise it won’t stick.

Put your mind where it needs to be, not where it wants to go.

Anxiety can paralyze your entire body and mind so they cannot function. I have been bombarded with anxiety my entire life because I live with ADHD unmedicated. Whatever disorder you have, it will not stop you from achieving this, simply because you suffer from it. You can push past your disorder. This process works and you CAN do this!

So instead of spending hundreds on therapy for this issue, decide to conquer this demon head on, and in time the anxiety will diminish, allowing you to go forth, more confident in your life and in the decisions you make.

As I’ve stressed to you, this is not for the weak minded or weak of heart, because the mind power it takes from the beginning, is an extremely difficult thing to do. You have to take every once of strength you can muster, just to do this because at first it will happen SEVERAL times a day. It will get tiring but it’s either spend your time in the solution or spending time being miserable and causing yourself unwanted bouts of anxiety. Your choice!

Bit by bit, facing this issue head on will slowly but surely stop your problem with anxiety. By conquering these unwanted emotions, you will experience an intense sense of freedom that you have ever known!

Like my fb page Stop hating what you don’t understand

for support from stigma related diseases and emotional and mental disorders.

Like my blog fb page RAW thoughts from Chelle and be the first to see my blog posts before they are published!

โค๏ธ Thanxxx for reading โค๏ธ

Tears running down … ๐Ÿ’ง

The tears are not going to stop, they are running down my face.

My soul cringes,

knowing the tears will make the thoughts come alive.

Forever searching inside,

grabbing myself from deep inside

trying to hold it back

The need for reassurance is there

I must share my head with you,

it’s a must, guessing is not an option

Understand that it hurts

when you flippantly tell me that it’s none of my business…

try to “see” where I’m coming from,
Put your head where mine rests… Being afraid that one day you will say…
I’m hanging out with a new friend.

Crushed beyond reason is what I’d be

If that were to happen.

That’s why all you have to do is tell me

where your head is, because guessing is dangerous for me.

I need your honesty, not your anger,

Your acceptance, not your mean words….

Your understanding, not your condemnation.

Your reassurance, not your rude comebacks…

Because those are so unlike you… You are defensive for no reason,

Haven’t I earned

That much respect, and

haven’t I been true in our best friendship thus far?

It’s not you reporting, it’s simply YOU being kind to the one who is kind to you.

Reassurance would stop it all…

Please don’t keep it from me….

It’s not me trying to control you, it is YOU being

considerate of your bfwb…

that needs to be told, gently, that

No one is taking her place.

Reassurance would stop it all…

Those thoughts…

Dead in their tracks.

I don’t get why you won’t do that

just to help,

To make it easier…

Especially bc I’m trying very hard

To continue to trust.

Don’t make me pay with tears

because you know how much I care.

My heart is pretty fragile

but you think it’s made of steel…

It’s hard when negative

Enters in,

To continue to trust …. while reassurance would

Be so welcomed for needed peace,

Inside my heart.

What would it really hurt?

To tell me what’s up?

If you know how I mean it…

It’s for reassuring comfort, deep down inside me.

Other posts about my bffwb:
Where does the love go

NEVERLAND for mature

readers

A real man

Just maybe

Tears falling down

The imprint of you on my heart

Beyond the scope of normal for mature readers

Why

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray

Sleepless in Texas โœŒ๏ธ

I’m undiagnosed and untreated with adult ADHD and it’s progression has worsened, especially within the past three to six months. I don’t know why. I’m just familiar with my body emotionally and physically, and both areas are freaking out more than ever.

I’ve silently suffered from ADHD my entire life. There were some times that were worse than others; however, recently has been the worse time of all.

I think to myself, “Yay, in my early golden years I get to put up with this craziness magnified. I’m so scattered and I know that people can see the crazy old lady I am perceived to be. Great, I think to myself. Perfect.

I know others are sick to death of hearing me complain about my undiagnosed state as well as being untreated. They have been sweet not to say anything, but “I’m afraid they may leave if I keep it up, like all the others in my past”. Paralyzing thoughts. Yay ๐Ÿ‘Œ thank you ADHD. Your thoughts will lie to you. It suxxx.

I have a very small circle including my landlady (who is a very good friend), my BFWB, and my platonic male friend Kenny. That’s about it. I have a very small circle. Less drama and less people judging me, and less people to screw me over. I’ve had my fill of those types in my life, no more for me

I know people would think I was mental if I were to go out in public. I have let myself go physically and I’m ashamed.

I mistakingly thought I could overcome it with mind over matter but boy, was I totally wrong. I used to be so pretty now I feel like a troll ๐Ÿ™„

My sleep patterns are non- existent and wacky, for lack of a better word.

I do have my crazy moments though, real talk! Focusing only through writing and the lessons learned about my mistakes in life.

The fact that I can’t control a lot of this scares me but what can I do? Nothing, but move forward the best I can, praying for the day I can afford to see a clinic or Doctor that will treat me.

Long story short, my clinic is a sliding scale government funded clinic and they told me they didn’t prescribe stimulants nor did they have funding to test for ADHD.

I could bear and handle the symptoms, for the most part, until three to six months ago. They became worse and almost unbearable. I’ve struggled big-time ever since as if it were brand new to me.

I’ve worked harder on this blog site and content than I ever have with anything else! There is an almost explosive drive behind me, keeping me going with little sleep for days. I’m exhausted, excited, scared, anxious and distant all in one. But I keep plodding along until my battery runs out altogether.

Conquering my addiction was easier than dealing with this, I believe.

The ADHD explains the addiction, because I was addicted to cocaine. A stimulant (ADHD is treated with synthetic methamphetamine – which is a simulant as well) and I was unconsciously self medicating I’m sure in hopes of feeling “normal”.

Cocaine does not treat ADHD to any real degree. (maybe take the edge off and numb your emotions so you don’t feel the effects of ADHD symptoms) That’s why I felt little relief while getting hooked in the process. I’ve been clean over five years. That was only after five horrible relapses but I was not one to give up, so I kept trying to stop and finally I did.

I need relief and soon from this emotional hell.

Tomorrow is another day in which I really need to clean my house. Another one of ADHDs symptoms at work. These emotions can paralyze you into not being able to do anything. Sometimes, I can push through that and other times I simply cannot.

I was blessed to have RAW determination that has gotten me through my weakest points. I never know how I’m going to make it, but somehow I just do.

I’m grateful today for the revelations in my personal growth, but I need a break to rest.

LIKE my Facebook page for help and info for living with ADHD and other stigma related diseases, disorders and lifestyles: https://www.facebook.com/stopandkillthestigma/

The imprint of you on my heart

Ohhhh, have I gone to far in my need of you?

Life is to scary without your presence … I want your attention, your recognition that I matter…

Life tried to change me and I struggle to deal but your hand has always been there, for me.

Hoping you will stay patient one more time,
with my moments of
deep revelations I have inside โค๏ธ screaming at myself inside to stop the negative thoughts…

So you won’t leave me floating in the wind.
I’m satisfied, I tremble and as I glance at you,
Are you satisfied? I wonder, shamefully. I would do anything for you… Please don’t leave.

Thoughts swirling so fast
Prayers for you to understand, please stay or I will die inside.

Fear abounds but I say

NO MORE
It screeches to a halt…

I already knew, deep down past the fear. You’ve never let me down.

I know I can never lose you … Or else I would be lost.

๐Ÿ’•LIKE my fb page that is dedicated to my BFWB ๐Ÿ’‹

Other posts about my bfwb: Where does the love go

NEVERLAND for mature readers

A REAL MAN

Just maybe

Tears falling down

Beyond the scope of normal for mature readers

Why

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray

Caught between struggling and serenity

I’m in a place that is serene mixed with disarray. I wonder if anyone else understands what I mean by that?

I am I’m the process of learning a lot about myself for the first time in my life and it’s an incredible experience, I must say! It’s scary yet it is very surreal as well.

I’m dealing with a few health issues at the moment.ย  Adult ADHD which is undiagnosed and untreated, diabetes 2, COPD, and that’s it for now. I’m also in the process of quitting smoking. I’ve got a lot going on and the progression of the ADHD had gotten worse over the last few months and it’s been very difficult to live with.

I’m not very old and in my mind I’m very young but I suppose in the general scheme of things, I’m aging but I know where it counts, I won’t ever grow up, thankfully! I try daily to be positive and focus on helping myself and others.

Life is full of surprises that’s for sure and if your not paying close attention you may miss the lessons you are supposed to learn. I know I missed a lot in my life I was supposed to learn because I wasn’t listening. I’m just thankful that I learned any lessons at all. I was a late learner, but at least I didn’t quit until I learned and gained wisdom. My best friend and guy helps me a lot and I suppose I’m too dependent on him but he handles me like a champ.

So, this crossroads is a weird place to get in life but I can feel it’s very necessary in order to move forward. I’m just reaping what I had sown in the past. Bad decisions can ruin your life.

Is this something I can bounce back from? I wonder this deeply inside, God, I hope so because I have the faith inside that I can. I don’t know where it comes from but it is always there. Not allowing me to quit.

I’m apprehensive now because I know I’m very fragile emotionally.ย  I’m good in general; however, I just need to be aware of that fact and be gentle with myself. (We tend the be hard on ourselves and that could keep us from moving forward in and itself, so watch how you treat yourself. Others abuse us, please don’t abuse yourself too).ย  I will have too get through this, somehow.

Sheer determination grips my heart โค๏ธ showing me that it is in control. I can’t sleep but I can write and focus on answering questions on QUORA and promoting my blog in hopes to make money soon with it.ย  I’m driven, hard, even in the throes of insomnia.ย  It helps me to help others when I’m feeling this way.ย  It drives me, yet I’m exhausted to my bones.

There must be no other option, I must survive this. I’ve never quit before I won’t start now.

I tell myself it will all be okay and this to shall pass โœŒ๏ธ now I have too believe it.

*Look for my Facebook pages that focus on the STIGMA of living with ADHD and addictions and recovery as well. https://www.facebook.com/stopandkillthestigma/
https://www.facebook.com/steppingintorecoverywithJesus/

Why

Let me first explain how this particular blog post was born. It was early in our exclusive relationship and I had mistakenly believed my BFWB had lied to me. Later on I figured out that I was wrong but I had already written this to him. I was so thankful I had been wrong …

05-03-19 revised

Now I’m rewriting this because of the one hidden thing, all I want to know is WHY did you hide what you didn’t have to?

Why?

Of all people, me! I’m broken beyond recognition,

Why?

You crushed my very soul

Put out my fire, and hurt me in places

I didn’t know existed.

You hid something from me.

Why?

I just don’t get it ๐Ÿ˜ญ

That cuts me more
Than the possibility of you
replacing me in your life which that scares me to the horrible depths

Of my fucking heart. You hid your list from me!

Why?

I thought that I gave you the best of both worlds. Only asking to be exclusive.

I’ve backed off as much as I possibly could with you pulling away from me every day.

I felt that and was afraid.

Why did you hide that from me?

Are you pulling away thinking I am like the rest in your past, testing me as such…

I long for you to just enjoy hanging again ~

I gave my heart to you and all

I expected was loyalty in return.

But you had to go and hide that. I’m devastated..

Why?

Loyalty and respect went out the window when you hid that from me.

I know I’m hard to love, even like but before now there was never a problem!

Why don’t you like me anymore because I feel it and it is ripping my heart into shreds.

How did I deserve to be

disrespected so bad?

To my very bones, I am hurt. Because, you felt you couldn’t show me what you hid.

Why!?

Why?

You despise liars and thieves,

People that pull out moves like that,

That is what I don’t understand …

How could you treat me like so lowly,

Me, who would do anything in this world for you, like I never mattered at all.

Unless for another and you don’t want to say, because of whatever reaction you think I may give.

But damn, you hid that away from me, unnecessarily. That’s what made me feel, there was something to hide?!

Am I just that dumb?

why?

I want us to stay like we are, I need you in my life!

You know I will never ask you for what you cannot give,

Your more important to me than I ever realized, and I figured that out, with your pulling away.

I don’t think I can make it every day without you.

I’ve grown used to our sex, and our deep but open friendship, or is that all just felt on my side?

~ then i think again about you felt that you had to hide something you knew I’d notice and be hurt inside and also to wonder, will I ever be able to let you go if you so choose?

Had I been wrong

…..To let you in?

I will give you any thing you need.

Please stay

Losing you would not be good for me

However I need you to be completely honest with me, no matter if it hurts me or not.

I don’t want to bother, if that is gone!

Please stay with me and….

then the reason you hid,

Well at least, maybe you will finally tell me and

I will know why.

(I hope I can add this after we talk)

โค๏ธ

I just found out,

You may have hid,

Maybe you had fears of getting to close or simply are sick of me being around.

But at least tell me … So I know why.

… because I know now… You will never leave.

My hopes were finally right! Your never going to leave me alone!

โค๏ธ Thank you for reading, commenting, and following โค๏ธ

LIKE my fb page dedicated to my bfwb๐Ÿ’‹

Other posts about my bffwb:

Where does the love go

NEVERLAND for mature readers

A real man

Just maybe

Tears falling down

The imprint of you on my heart

Beyond the scope of normal for mature readers

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray

To scared to pray

He is my world now, my unsung hero ๐Ÿ˜‡
His depths are amazing to meโ€ฆ a young woman’s hope of a true man .. materialized…

With the patience if a saint … With my rebel ass โ€ฆ I’m not easy and sometimes I am overwhelming unknowingly.
My ADHD at it’s finest.

But he breezes through it and calms me down like a champ at the same time.

Handling me perfectly, and sincerely.ย  His charisma is off tha chain in every way, in my eyes. He truly is my HERO. Saved me from drowning and it was unnoticed by most but he saw right through me…

And cared anyway…
He looks past my unique health issues that will never go away n still makes love to me with an amazing passion.

It’s obvious to me He finds me seXy and I find that really attractive.

He couldn’t make love to me the way he does and not have feelings for me in some way.ย  ๐Ÿ’• See my blog post “Beyond the scope of normal”
https://wp.me/paI9nk-2G

I feel his feelings are ever so strong (maybe they don’t match mine but that doesn’t matter, I know he cares) and I know it’s just my hopes.

He may never admit it but I already know. I don’t have to hear him say any special words to me because I already know by his actions.ย 
That’s enough for me. I’m not going to change, I’m going to keep being me.ย  The real me he brought out for the world to finally see.
I finally found ME!ย  It’s a process of learning who I am after not knowing my whole life.

Love is a verb.ย  His actions speak volumesโ€ฆfrom his true character. He is a real man, unlike no other I have ever met in my life. I’m in awe of him today.

He truly sees the real me, deep inside my core.ย  He found me, and in doing so I pledged my loyalty happily forever, automatically… inside. He also was blessed with the utmost patience with me!

God gave me to him on purpose for the very purpose of showing me who I was as well as helping me through this weird and difficult time in my life.

I harbor a deep respect for this man, a beyond love. (because it’s so much more than what the surface definition shows)ย  It is a soul connection, met at the deep emotional level, mixed in with a deep sexual connection.ย  Both of these together make an UNBEATABLE connection.
This is a true warrior soul showing me my own worth.ย ย  He’s my answered prayer that I was too scared to prayโ€ฆ.. But God heard anyway.

God gave me to him knowing that I would love him beyond all reason ~ to never take him away.ย Now, I always pray.

Like my fb page dedicated to my bfwb

Other posts about my bfwb:
Where does the love go

NEVERLAND for mature readers


A real man

Just maybe

Tears falling down

The imprint of you on my heart

Beyond the scope of normal for mature readers


Why

Agonizing fear




๐Ÿ’œThank you for reading, commenting, and following๐Ÿ’š

Is addiction a disease or a choice?

Yes drug Addiction and alcoholism are both diseases. Diseases that start off with A CHOICE.
Most diseases you have no control over what they do to you or your body, but with addiction you CAN control it in the beginning and just know that anytime throughout the process its a progression really and extremely difficult to overcome in it’s latter days, once it has its evil hands on you.

Once you lose your free will over that drug, that’s when you lose your ability to say NO. That’s when Your truly addicted and it’s no longer an easy CHOICE, however you do still have a choice in that situation.

It’s well known that when your in full blown disease mode and the disease progresses it is running you not the other way around.ย 

But even then, IT’S NOT TO LATE if you can find the will power within, DIG DEEP IT’S THERE you can still CHOOSE TO STOP. I did!!!

I weened myself off cocaine years ago. It ripped my entire life apart as I had known it but I didn’t see it coming until after the fact…

Then it became real.ย  That was heart wrenching for me to come to that realization.ย  That drug had a hold on me hard core. I fought it and I kept trying to stop only too end up relapsing over and over.
I couldn’t give up but I wanted to but something deep inside of me simply would not allow my body and soul to shut down.

ย  Weening myself took so much mind power you wouldn’t believe, but I was determined and finally was the last time, the real last time for me to use cocaine. For the first time, I stayed clean from that evil lady in white.

Freedom still didn’t come until years after that.ย  True freedom was truly meeting the real me after all the struggles.

It was a choice to overcome the disease of addiction thank God we have that choice! People need to stop using excuses of using bc it is a disease and they can’t help it… WRONG!

. . most diseases you cannot choose to stopโ€ฆ..

It’s mind power… Mind over matter but I’m proof it can be done!๐Ÿ’œ

What are your RAW thoughts on this subject? It is what it is folks but I want to hear from you ๐Ÿ˜

Look for my two Facebook pages that deal with addiction and recovery, along with the STIGMA of being a recovering addict.
https://www.facebook.com/steppingintorecoverywithJesus
https://www.facebook.com/stopandkillthestigma

Wisdom is gold

Wisdom comes with life’s experiences as well as with age.
Hold onto that like it is gold,
Be ready, to be amazed.

Helping people who’ve been struggling is a sign of wisdom on your part, esp helping despite your inner pain…

No more holding things inside or trying to cover things up so you won’t see them from the inside.ย 

Facing your fears
Not running from them,
Wouldn’t that be an amazing sight!

Just knowing what you feel is right,
No question,
Beforeโ€ฆthoughts were coming left as well as right,
Circling around me, hovering, as if in a major plight. Not stopping so I could see…
Clarity … I need clarity

Wisdom should be loyal with huge amounts of respect…
Emulating from within as well as from others…

Falling down around you,
And in those moments, you have to reflectโ€ฆ On how precious wisdom truly isโ€ฆ
Did I really find it you may have said?

Bad decisions and good alike,
Caused rivalry between the best
And, your In a test unknowingly.ย 

I’m glad wisdom found me the older I became,
It snuck up on me so quickly
And I became disdainโ€ฆ Not knowing how to handle her in my newbie ways
It was hit and miss for quite a ways..

Never giving up, holding onto hope
Covet wisdom in it’s entirely
On its curvaceous slopesโ€ฆ Once you know that โ€ฆ know you can never turn it around.

Wisdom has your heart so full,
Your home warm, your heart full with
Laughter floating out from the windows,
Happiness and smiles coating its charmโ€ฆ
Life seems different once you know…

Wisdom is precious ๐Ÿ’œIt is gold โค๏ธ