… the unknown …

The UNKNOWN is killing me by not knowing … while the worst scenarios play out in my head …

I’m not ready to “leave”, I have so much left to do … Death waits on no one when it’s your time and that is why I’m afraid …

I’m afraid of not being remembered or worse, being remembered for all my mistakes and not my heart …

I want to make a difference and I’m afraid I won’t have time to show my kids that difference … in me …

They have never seen the real me inside that wasn’t clouded with drugs or emotional issues … I’m finally me now God, please don’t take me now … I just learned who I am and can show that around, but …

It’s the UNKNOWN that’s hell …

not knowing …

I can’t go through this alone, I already know … But how can I ask someone to be there for me … I’m lost and terrified of what MAY BE … it wouldn’t be fair but oh I need you … my best friend …

Someone with my issues at hand seem to have little knowledge of what I think may be wrong or could be wrong, yet I don’t know exactly and that frightens me more …

Does that make sense?

I have never been so afraid as I am now because of what I know it COULD be. Please God, don’t take me away after I’ve just recently found, forgiven and learned to love myself … now that I’ve become free … please give me some more time here on Earth since I’ve been blessed worth this man you gave me too and I want to enjoy him – is this so wrong?

Allow me to do good and help someone … Please let me make things right with my babies … I’m begging you.

Please let my children see the me they haven’t ever seen and see that it is a good me … That’s all I ask …

For my babies to see, that I’m not what I’ve shown, that my love for them has only grown. I need them to know, without a doubt, they are my heart. I need them to know how I’ve thought about them every second I’ve been away from them.

God wouldn’t have shown me all the things He has recently, just to have me perish now. That’s what I tell myself, but …

It’s the NOT knowing that is killing me …

Terrified … I can’t handle this on my own if it’s not good news,

What to do? I don’t want to be a burden but I will need someone to lean on. (Not just anyone) Is that going to be okay, my mind asks?

I can’t talk to many about it so I get zero support where others get all they need. I wish that was me … I don’t want to push him away because he’s all I have … I need him to stay and to be with me, IF …

I have no one else and if it’s bad news … I just know being alone is not for me, not with this. I don’t want to be a pain but I’m gonna need the one I hold dear … That’s not a lot … Will he be there and my babies – will they care …

If I just KNEW, it wouldn’t be the UNKNOWN …

ยฉchellesrawthoughts

Afterthought: If you have ever been afraid of ANYTHING unknown (dying, a chronic illness, etc.. ) then this post is for you!
๐Ÿ’š Thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’œ

Wisdom is gold

(revised 10-08-19)

Wisdom comes with life’s experiences as well as with age … Be ready – to be thoroughly amazed …

Hold onto wisdom like it is pure gold …

watch her as she breaks the mold …

Helping people who’ve been struggling is a sign of wisdom on your part … letting them know all the pitfalls in getting there was truly very smart … helping especially, despite your inner pain … when you have knowledge of yourself it is one huge gain …

No more holding things inside or trying to cover things up … although the majority of people are corrupt … they won’t allow you to see them from the inside …

Facing your fears not running from them … with wisdom and you on this knowledge ride

Wouldn’t that be an amazing sight … … Just knowing what you feel is right as rain …

No question …

Before or after your thoughts turn mundane …

thoughts were coming left as well as right …
Circling around me … hovering over … as if experiencing a major plight … Not stopping so I could see …

Clarity … I need clarity …

Wisdom should be loyal with huge doses of respect times ten …

Emulating from others as well as from within …

clear thoughts falling down around you,

And in those moments, you have to reflect โ€ฆ blurred recollections are certainly cause for reject …

On how precious wisdom truly is โ€ฆ regardless if it’s any of your biz … contemplating your main thoughts instead

Did I really find wisdom you may have said …

Bad decisions and good alike … are going to happen to all of us and others on sight …

Caused rivalry between the best … And you’re in a test …

unknowingly …

I’m glad wisdom found me the older I became …

It snuck up on me so quickly …

Looking for it so hard that I became quite disdain โ€ฆ

Not knowing how to handle her in my strange ways …

It was hit and miss for quite some days … Never giving up, holding onto the hope … coveting wisdom in her entirety …

On her curvaceous slopesโ€ฆ Once you know that โ€ฆ know you can never turn it around to help with unwanted anxiety …

Wisdom has your heart so full …

making your home so warm … causing your heart to be full with laughter floating out from the windows while

happiness and smiles coat with her charm โ€ฆ

Life seems different once wisdom is here and as you know… Wisdom is precious and she is solid – she’s just pure gold โค๏ธ

ยฉ chellesrawthoughts

โญ thank you for reading, commenting, and following โญ

๐ŸŽธ rOCk candy QUEEN

FOREWORD: This poem gives you a unique insight straight into a crack/cocaine addicts sOuL (your sOuL iS made up of your mind, your will, and your emotions) and the most intense death grip hold that this evil drug has on them. Also, what level of mental power that it takes you inside to be completely free from

crack/cocaine as well as showing you what it takes to become a SURVIVOR OF ADDICTION

๐ŸŽธrOCk candy QUEEN

Years ago my thoughts go back to that horrific time where she was fun to hang out with … that evil cousin to the white ladyshe knew how to make you feel good and keep you intrigued โ€ฆ

… IN THE BEGINNING …

… yet … you kept going back for more and more โ€ฆ not realizing she was completely out of your league …

โ€ฆ she became more fierce with her touch as time moved on โ€“ she revealed no heart and no soul to no one … it was considered quite the phenomenon …

know this …

she can turn your heart away from your own self because she does not play, because she gains … as well as turning your loved ones away and she will not stop until your soul is in chains …

clutching you tight … knowing you canโ€™t break free โ€ฆ you’re stuck outright โ€ฆ in bondage to the queen of rOCk CanDy โ€“ the evil cousin to the white lady indeed โ€ฆ

You will find her dancing with the demons of addiction, heartbreak and pain โ€“ they know you will eventually give in to their strong demands once again โ€“ while you falsely think that they accept you โ€“ yet really they do not โ€“

… thatโ€™s just get you hooked so they are able to harass you relentlessly โ€“ down that vile path that you tried so hard to adopt … because by then โ€“ they are laughing at you โ€“ watching you – as you realize in horror โ€“

THAT YOU’RE UNABLE TO STOP โ€ฆ

Like a robot and a puppet you move to her beat โ€ฆ like a good master โ€“ she pulls easy then real hard on your puppet strings โ€“ pushing your soul … while you chase that next hit โ€“ as she heartlessly brings โ€“ you way down โ€“ to hell’s fiery pit …

… Teasing you mercilessly โ€“ is one of her many sick treats โ€ฆ just as the hit that you raced for โ€ฆ finally connects inside your brain โ€ฆ causing you to feel such a major relief โ€“ you feel it straight down to your core – making you feel like you will never hurt again forever more …

… yet …

… you’re still wanting more and more and still yet more โ€“ until she senses your fear, forcing even the devil himself to scream โ€ฆ โ€œgo on you’re worthless – just get the hell outta hereโ€

… then sadly, as you cower down โ€“ what does all of this prove โ€“ your wondering because you’re still โ€“

… in the COCAINE mood …

โ€ฆ knowing full well โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ itโ€™s not enough โ€“ itโ€™s never enough anymore โ€ฆ your always miserable, sick, scared, depressed, strung out and dazed …

… and you just can’t stop …

… because when you think about that cloud of white smoke just passing you by โ€ฆ your body constricts in pain, your brain aches and โ€ฆ with a brutal force thatโ€™s dragging you down once again – your body and mind is strained …

… you sink way lower than you ever wanted to go โ€“ to stare straight at the queen of rOCk CanDy โ€“ whose waiting for you to pay what she thinks you owe …

โ€ฆ and rOCk CanDy will have no problem โ€“ numbing your emotions and your mind โ€ฆ so you arenโ€™t clear enough to make any decisions at all โ€ฆ itโ€™s no wonder that sheโ€™s more than just a tiny bit surprised …

โ€ฆ when you actually take a stand …

against her and once she senses your newfound strength โ€“ she then squeezeโ€™s your sOuL so hard you canโ€™t breathe โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ sheโ€™s holding you snug โ€“ in her cold yet intriguing hand โ€ฆ

โ€œDo you think you can play with meโ€ โ€ฆ she laughs at you instead โ€ฆ

she also whispers in your ear telling you what you want to hear โ€ฆ just to keep you disheveled and mislead …

โ€ฆ and once she has your emotions shredded and your mind feel quite lost โ€ฆ you are once again locked away deep inside – while your sOuL pays the cost …

… you tell yourself how stupid it was to let that white bit*h โ€“ so damn deep in your mind โ€ฆ you had no clue that was going to be your hardest damn uphill climb …

She will fight you like a man, ultimately kicking your ass โ€“ so it may seem โ€“ but you NEVER GIVE UP and you show this queen … you don’t back down from this white cu*t โ€“ the infamous and lethal โ€ฆ

… the eviL … the rOCk CanDy queen โ€ฆ

… If you keep fighting and DO NOT stop …

โ€“ she WILL have no choice but to weaken her grasp and then you can quickly run away and …

… then โ€ฆ gradually โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ one day she will stop chasing you and realize that your not worth her time, so she will find another weak sOuL โ€“ to commit her hellish crimes.

she will take them by the hand and lead them along that same horrific path … that leads straight to the nightmare place โ€“ right to the front door and straight into hell โ€“ introducing them to the evil cousin to the white lady โ€“ the queen of the rOCk CanDy jaiL โ€ฆ

… during this release โ€ฆ you may fall and stumble around โ€“ fall off cliffs and possibly drown โ€“ in the turbulent waters racing away โ€“ sheโ€™s known to come looking … so fall to your knees and pray …

… that relapse will miss the mark then she won’t be able to locate you in the dark …

… especially with her tempting you … make sure you do not betray but just in case you slip from the path of complete abstinence – just get back up … put yourself back on the road โ€ฆ

and stay …

โ€ฆ donโ€™t get discouraged โ€“ pick yourself up and dust off those stains โ€“ that the queen of rOCk CanDy forcibly made โ€ฆ strive once more until you get it right โ€ฆ donโ€™t ever allow taunts and hurtful words make you give up without a fight โ€ฆ

Relapse just means you wonโ€™t stop striving to quit โ€ฆ itโ€™s tough and unfriendly โ€ฆ remember she isnโ€™t going to give up on you โ€ฆ not one bit …

… so โ€ฆ

Donโ€™t allow anyone to bring you down with rumors or snobby looks โ€“ they donโ€™t have a clue … as to what heLL you have been through โ€“ with this evil cousin to the white lady โ€ฆ who is the rOCk CanDy queen โ€ฆ realize that if you aLLow hershe will keep hounding you as if y’all were still a team …

… ultimately

โ€ฆ she has a diabolical plan to KILL you …

โ€ฆ dark depression โ€ฆ

… hateful voices whisper in the wind โ€ฆ evil beings that harass you โ€ฆ they are not your damn friend โ€“ beware of your mental health taking a turn โ€ฆ she will scratch you and then bite you – seemingly diminishing you โ€“ before you can learn โ€ฆ that this rOCk CanDy queen is a bitCh that stands firm โ€ฆ

her job is to jumble your thoughts and make you see through a blurry haze โ€“ your vision and mind so distorted that any decision you make will for sure be crazed …

addiCtiOn is only a symptom that masks the underlying root cause โ€ฆ You need to gather all your strength and please take a much needed pause …

… and …

โ€ฆ you stop being so nice to her โ€ฆ

“STOP LISTENING TO THAT BIT*H โ€ฆ GET MAD and with all your strength โ€ฆ face your fear and stand up in her face โ€ฆ as you recall all the things she lied about throughout the past several yearsโ€ฆ taunting you with your fears while teLLing you that you’re a disgrace … remember you almost lost your life behind her evil lies โ€ฆ stop listening to her before you die” …

… let that rOCk CanDy bit*h hear you as you scream at her that โ€œSHEโ€™S JUST THE DEVIL IN DISGUISEโ€ โ€ฆ you tell her off and curse her out โ€“ “JUST REMEMBER WHO THA FU*K YOU ARE” โ€ฆ and do yourself a favor by taking a brand new route …

… that leads away from the door โ€“ at the entrance of hell โ€“ in the opposite direction that will allow you to prevaiL โ€“

previously – way before that white bitch stole our dream โ€ฆ I told myself I couldn’t smoke that rOCk … little did I know that years later her and I would become quite the team …

โ€ฆ no matter what – keep holding your head up high โ€“ keep moving forward โ€“ find that deep down determination โ€“ find out how you can love yourself more โ€“ more especially through โ€“ the many dark dreary days โ€ฆ that may certainly overcome you โ€ฆ because, trust me she will be keeping score …

โ€ฆ and guess what? โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ one day the harrowing relapses will halt โ€“ she soon will realize that sheโ€™s FINALLY locked in the past โ€ฆ donโ€™t let her define you โ€“ remember too that people will talk, scorn and laugh โ€ฆ

… but just you hold fast to your dream and remember the pain when she took away all those many years putting on you ALL of the blame …

… “STOP … KEEP GOING” โ€“ you’re doing just fine โ€ฆ give yourself a smile because once and for all you take charge of the main design โ€ฆ finaLLy you managed to beat that damn queen โ€“ the cousin to the evil white lady who still is

โ€ฆ the rOCk CanDy queen โ€ฆ

Keep striving, sweating, straining while you also remember that rOCk CanDy jaiL โ€ฆ

Itโ€™s been a bittersweet journey after turning away from the front door of hell …

โ€ฆ If you are an addict โ€“ using ANY drug thatโ€™s taken over your life โ€“

… REACH OUT because I want you to know this: I saw a level of addiction that most hard core addicts donโ€™t see and they donโ€™t know exist โ€“

… you DO NOT want to be there because the only way out โ€ฆ IF YOU STAY IN DEFEAT โ€ฆ is going to be a horribly long life behind bars or worse โ€“ Death is waiting to take you to the front door that leads into hell so you can hang out with the the queen and the devil himself โ€ฆ

… you are NOT โ€“ trust me โ€“ your not ready for that โ€ฆ not when it means staying in the rOCk CanDy jaiL …

ยฉchellesrawthoughts

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

โญ if you or someone you care about is a crack cocaine addict – or hooked on ANY drug – this link to help for alcohol and drug addiction will help you find the help you need in your area.

๐Ÿšฅ read about crack/cocaine addicts – these are their stories .. get help!

โญ Like my Facebook page about addiction for support!

๐Ÿ’ซ thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’ซ

… yOu … me …

I stay up at night thinking of

… yOu …

the BEAUTY of yOur sOuL radiates into

… me …

causing me to feeL

… yOu …

the amazement of yOu creates in

… me …

a deep excitement in seeing

… yOu …

causing a hurricane of thoughts in

… me …

I’m in wonderment of the essence of

… yOu …

yOu make my heartbeat throb …

… me …

I cause the naughty thoughts in…

… yOu …

yOu make tingles shoot through

… me …

making the private parts on

… yOu …

seek out the intimate parts on

… me …

making the emotions on

… yOu …

grab my face and begin kissing

… me …

while I grab for the hugs from

… yOu …

instead it’s yOu wanting from

… me …

my body pressed up against

… yOu …

clinging to the sOuL of

… me …

that brings out the radiating sOuL of

… yOu …

causing yOu to explode in

… me …

makes me gush all over

… yOu …

trembling – yOu hold

… me …

as tightly as I hold

… yOu …

sleep soon will come to

… me …

my heart will always belong to

… yOu …

ยฉchellesrawthoughts

โœ”๏ธ LIKE my FB page Finding your best friend and beyond that’s in honor of my guy and what we have that’s so amazing.

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Agonizing fear ๐Ÿ˜ต

(This post that I created in February 2019 explains the insecurities I had early in my relationship with my bfab because of toxic relationships in my past. It also shows how my ADHD brain was going into overdrive and it also takes a look at how FEAR can paralyze you, emotionally and sometimes physically.)

Agonizing fear

Terror lashes out at me … paralyzing my entire body … numbness overwhelmes the deep parts of my soul … painful doubts stab through my heart …

Shaking …

trembling …

” … oh no, am I going to be abandoned, thrown away or chunked into emotional duress? …”

“No!

I cannot allow this again …”



Why?” kept going through my thoughts … “he is different and has a purpose in my life … he wouldn’t leave me” … my thoughts seemed to be mine … but not …


Braving myself for a painfuL emotional jaunt … which  continuously … scattered the shredded pieces of my heart ... floating through memories of before when my heart was young …   and how lethal people … raped my sOuL … time after time …


choking …



barely am I able to breathe … I would never make it … if he left … my thoughts were my own … still … but not …

” … I need you” …  my mind screams … roaring … inside my aching head …

… please don’t leave me isolated and hopelessly afraid …

“… I really do need you … it’s so beyond you causing my heart to race …”

anxious tingles …

… Coming at me from all over – SUDDENLY – the agonizing fear grips and hurts way deep down

in my gut …

“Why do I feel that something is wrong?”

” … please … I truly need you” ๐Ÿ’‹

… my very gut cries out …   AGONIZING … from deep within the darkness … that’s inside of me … while it turns into light … if only for a moment …

Wow … I really mattered enough … MIRACLE … you have shown me that I am  importantI matter … never would I dared to dream … I would feel again … this way …

I FINALLY found one true angel in this horrible world …  See how much you have truly blessed my hurting soul ever since that first night when we met …

… This is a true grown up beyond normal love, not a feeling ๐Ÿ˜ that I could have ever imagined … 

… Realization hits me …

My gut has always been right … why didn’t I trust that when my soul cries …  it was trying to alert me … I am ever so grateful …

“… Thank you I cried silently … You gave me back … Me …”

๐Ÿ’œ May 27, 2019 โ€ฆ “This poem was written before I totally understood what true Loyalty meant. I’d never received it before so I thought this man would leave me the same way all the others left me.  I was to discover that this man was cut from a totally different cloth than the rest. He showed me I mattered. 
He gave me the best and most amazing gift in this world.  Meeeeeee ๐Ÿ˜‡ Thank you to my guy … My bfab … My hero” ๐Ÿ˜

Like my fb page that is dedicated to my bfab (best friend and beyond)

Other posts inspired by my bfab ~

Where does the love go

A real man

Just maybe
Tears falling down
The imprint of you on my heart

Why

To scared to pray
๐Ÿ’œThank you for reading, commenting, and followingโค๏ธ

๐Ÿ’งmemories … roll down my cheeks๐Ÿ’ง

โšก this post focuses on the fall of 2013, when we lost our home. My son, who was 15 at the time, was forced to move in with his two friends from school and their mom, because of a personal tragedy. I was so thankful they did and I know that God gave them to my son to help him during this pivotal time in his young life. There were rumors spreading faster than the speed of sound about me, in our small rural town. I was called every name in the book and made to feel as if I didn’t care about my son or the house I lost. What nobody saw or understood was that we both had lost our whole life. It was horrific at best. I had to leave town that following January and I moved to a larger town close by. I went to the homeless shelter there to try to pick up the broken and shattered pieces of our life.

๐Ÿ’‘ This is our story …

.. … dedicated to my amazing son, who is graduating ๐ŸŽ“ this month and the tragedy he faced that started the domino effect, through the obstacles he pushed through on his journey ๐Ÿƒeven after his fathers unexpected death ๐Ÿ‘ค he pressed on ๐Ÿ‘ฒ until the present day ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿš’ This poem focuses on how this bittersweet victory shows how determination ๐ŸŽ“ true love ๐ŸŒช๏ธ and heartache can anchor your soul ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐ŸŽ“ driving you to succeed ๐Ÿ™ against all odds ๐ŸŽ“

“… memories … roll down my cheeks …”

Remembering those memories from before …… of his tiny hands and feet, smiling baby cheeks, and as I remember more memories I picture … his chubby face – full of table food smears, birthday cakes and summer slides, of course popsicles – loved by all …. year after year …

Disdainfully, I cringe away from those dark painful thoughts – feeling a tight knot form in my throat … from hateful impressions … molded by haters … Who saw me as naught ……

The measure of unfathomed love inside me – would have filled close to one thousand worlds …

“my son was my smile simply because … I dreamed him into being, long before he was born ...”

but smiles fade … life’s tests and trials find you and you have no option but to maintain – otherwise there would be nothing to gain …

For reasons I can’t imagine – but liars … haters galore wouldn’t leave my mind … stress magnified probably close to one million times … I was unable to show my heart through my actions not even through my life – it wouldn’t have mattered – haters never care about the truth if they believe they see – they just hate – then lie, so … nobody at all tried to see, just how precious my baby boy was to me.

Our safety – our midnight talks, our schedule – my washing your socks – our dream – EVERYTHING THAT WE’D KNOWN – was gone – stolen outright … just like that – our life was forever removed – those cowards don’t know me but one day they will see – I damn sure will have something to prove …

After that monumental criminal attack – I didn’t allow anyone passage into my heart – not my soul – haters – fakers – thru and thru … users – because of them – I was beginning to grow cold …

.. Remembering precious memories before … of his many first days at school ~ the best outfits we could afford, the happiest of smiles and silly giggles and the joy I felt for him …

I never dreamed of what would soon come our way … years away … It would never

again be okay …

… in fact … suddenly …

… Smiles turned upside down, whirling and spiraling into the summer night breeze …

… transforming into fear, future time would realize that quick separation is near … stunned in the sense that life was unfair –

… crushed under the blanket of confusion mixed with frightened tears …

There was to be no relief in sight … no solace … after our smiles were reversed … I prayed to HIM “please lift this curse …”

” … If only I had known …”

What in the hell – if I would have known then – wtf would I do?

… Remembering memories before … of the beginning teenage years – the person he was yet to be – yet the baby that was right here – staring with his trusting eyes – looking straight at me ...

… Remembering …

… It hurts …

… it’s killing me that I am the cause – of our dream shutting down … I hurt him with my addiction and then … this had to happen to us and just take more away – my boy did nothing that deserved his life to be extinguished that day …
it’s painful to look back – yet … those memories … from years before … were all that I had about our life – that I still adored

I miss the life that was ruthlessly … viciously taken from us and it’s safe to say – I feel like my son probably feels the same way …

I’m not sure if I will ever be free – of the cloud holding – guilt, regret and pain – it comes around less often than it did at the start … I never wanted pity – I totally feel – deserving of those freaks – riding that cloud – ever since my son and I had … no choice but to part …

Suffocating … I cannot breathe as my heart constricts from intense gouging pains – while I recall …

cherished recollections …

… from priceless moments before …

chains from unmemorized tunes … playing furiously in the silent night mist …

Complete brokenness

Regret …

Guilt …

Tears …

Self hate …

… I was beginning to feel the pain leave quite slow … from times featuring minor dull aching thuds – crashing through my defenses – holding back several tons of undiscovered tears …

Frightened … foreboding heaviness – black hearts that clinch my soul …

… penetrating … sliding gracefully … closer … until it settles into the core of your essence … Crippling emotional pain โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ awakens โ€ฆ

… my sOuL …

“God” she cried, as her tear stained face looked up – toward the late night eerie sky …

Please don’t let my little boy lose his love for me …”

She knew he would be moving out soon, there was no other choice – her stomach churned violently – thoughts swarming her brain … Of far away wishes, prayers and dreams … haters would soon claim their win …

~ avoidance – was futile ~

… God saw it best to take my sweet boy away … from my care … soon after that …

It was for his best – I was aware – grateful I was – for the angel family that came from God … I knew that I wanted my boy to stay – “no option dammit” I cried inside – it was for his best – he would be safe, I knew … in their care …

that didn’t stop me from dying inside and feeling …

slicing pain – carefully imploding … behind the space reserved … wait … “he can’t be alone – I can’t either, I need him to much” was her silent, screaming – loud heart’s cry โค๏ธ

ringing – echoing in her head like a trumpet blast …

“Ohhh please Lord … go with him … please keep him free … from heart pain – give it all to melet him be free to be all he can be …”

Gripped in the throes of unnatural fate … Never before had she felt this disgrace …

She almost broke down and felt torn apart but how much more pain – her boy must have felt and was surely in fear … surely he was wanting his mom … he had to be scared … thinking with that fear – simply because she was no longer here …

How could she hold up … after she’d allowed his world to be … ripped … ferociously into shreds – she would somehow make it right …praying hard … with all of her might – praying and pleading … hoping God would agree …

She never again turned to drugs – not after her heart was ripped savagely away, don’t you see … of course rumors flew through town – I was doing everything … cowards cried – from drugs to only God knows what else … to myself I would say – after hearing those lies – I could not fall again – I wouldn’t have him hurting because I’d let him down …

“… not after this – I would from now on refrain …”

UNBEARABLE WAS THIS PAIN – FILLING HER WITH DREAD …

She silently promised her son … that she loved him beyond infinity plus one …

I would do anything to make it right …”

“I never should’ve invited the devil in our home of dreams – I was played well … I never recognized the evil scheme …”

Fear and regret were partners in crime

… attacking me …

… haunting my mind … bringing confusion – confusion brought guilt – guilt filled me with pain … apparently the poison from that beat me down more – yet again …

As she dissolved into tears … Feeling herself break inside, she would never be the same … But in her heart she claimed, that her boy wouldn’t go through this hell “not in vain” … “How would I manage” … she didn’t have a clue … she was shutting down … inside paralyzed … such raw emotions had demolished her sOuL …

“I cannot stand this God … please let this all be a bad dream”

– Signs of the trauma showed all over her face – could be felt by her body actually – she needed some encouragement to help plead her case …

My precious sweet son – I make you this promise that I will hold you inside – so very tight until the time arrives – when you and I reunite and choose together where to live and what school would you like – find a girlfriend and have her over a few times a week – maybe start a real family game night … Until then, my son, please don‘t depart – stay with me … inside – because …

“You are forever… enclosed in my heart”๐Ÿ’–

he is close by … in my heart …

my heart slowly cracked – just enough and the broken pieces were not thrown away … but … they hardened inside – there was only one thing that I knew would work – and that meant get down on my knees and pray …

… instead – those enhanced pieces of hardened heart – of far away taunts – unspeakable whispers – telling tales …

… creative yet silent muses – restless anxiety sprang forth in a soft misty spray – while … ignoring the dark places – we had just barely survived – the hell I let inside … swirling thoughts in a whirlwind cloud …

... patiently, I wait – “go away crazy jumbled thoughts” … I’m shaky … while being carried away – by ping pong ideas – animated – not making sense –

I had to gather myself and respectfully utter thanks … I didn’t know then … that our reunion would never take place …

… noone has a clue – the extent of our pain – that was felt intensely – that very dark day … massive guilt covered me – sticking around – weighing close to one thousand pounds …

Missing his face … hurting so bad because I knew – he was better off without me in his life … hateful dark thoughts – unnerved me – taunting me with words that said – I didn’t deserve a place in his life … I didn’t deserve to even be alive …

though I believed – those black thoughts were right – I pushed through daily – ignoring the shame – still nothing came through – no job – nothing at all … but … I couldn’t give up nor would I give in – it was hard as hell – I felt very small …

… during those next few – quite challenging yet detestable years …I never could seem to get up – in this world I feared …

REGRET still haunts me – I miss my precious baby – I love him sooo …

tears … guilt … pain … fear …

filled up my time during the next few years …

Memories … Remembering …

The hate she’d gone through for those haters she’d see … would prove that she had no choice, but to be tough and proceed …

… Remembering memories before … they would sneak passed my eyes slide down over my cheeks, only to be wiped away …

never to be forgotten …

… Regret is a pain that NEVER goes away. I live with it every day …

I own all my wrongs – I just would like this chance – for his permission, you see – for my boy to get to know me … again …

… the real me …

… The woman I am now is who he should have had – as a mom – I have such a desire and hard drive to show him

… how I can inspire and still be …

… who I should have been all along …

“… Do I dare hope?”

… Now, my baby is all grown up handling a busy life of his own …

… my love has NEVER changed from that very first memory day … that started from home … I hope my son knows this – I’ve loved him fiercely ever since he’s been gone …

… Although my feelings may not have been shown …

… in order to completely stake my claim, considering I’m grown …

…. OMG screw haters that say I’d been spouting off lies … sleeping around … smoking dope – I am so sick of being accused – of things I don’t do – just because I was an addict – I’m not allowed to be believed – just judged – juryed – and convicted … “Don’t y’all see, how unfair that can be” … “They wouldn’t see the truth – if it was right in front of their eyes” … “All I want is to be away from haters, cutthroats and folks that are mean – I want to be free …”

… Damn these thoughts …

Demons of emotional disorders, addiction and violence plagued me … through the years … he needed me most …

… That’s why I took all the violent abuse – that showed up in my life … from different people and in distinct harmful ways … I just tried to survive …

SELF DESTRUCTION

Everyone, including myself, thought I’d gotten what I deserved … Still, I catch guilt … It tries to pull me vehemently – away from his heart …

Ohhh God I MISS HIM SO BAD

REMEMBERING

… I just wasn’t the mother I wanted to be or the mom he certainly deserved – but … I silently craved myself to be …

The love in my heart for him, during challenges of past – would hold onto him – through all the stars that the sky did surpass …

“Most have said that I didn’t care because of the road I mistakingly chose to travel … and that’s why our tragedy took place … smfh … It was because I helped the wrong one but I thought I was doing it right …

“But, they didn’t know me nor did they care to see the real me inside – saying hateful things … they were judgemental and assuming – when … all I did was care – so damn much inside …

Where no one could see …

“My sweet baby boy, I will hold you forever … on the inside of me” โค

“CONGRATULATIONS SON”

๐Ÿ’‘ This is my amazing son – my heart baby boy, you have all it takes – to be a success at anything you set out to accomplish, there is no doubt. Always believe in yourself – no matter what anyone else may say. You are blessed dear son and you are so smart, funny, sweet, sensitive, determined, loyal, respectful and all around a very cool guy! The definition of “character” is this: the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual. “The concept of character can imply a variety of attributes including the existence of virtues such as empathy, courage, fortitude, honesty, and loyalty, or of good behaviors or habits.”
That definition describes you baby boy! That makes me so proud! Most people, of any age, are sorely lacking these coveted character traits. I’m so proud of you Kennodie, you are and will always be my hero!!! I’m honored to be your mom and although it took a village to raise you – LoL ๐Ÿ˜€ you went above and beyond any expectations that any of us could have ever imagined for you! I know your Daddy is bragging to everyone in heaven about his awesome son! You have your entire life in front of you and I have no doubt that God will continue to bless you beyond your wildest dreams! ๐Ÿ’‘ Know that your Moms heart is overflowing with so much love that is just for you. I will ALWAYS be here for you, I’m a phone call away and maybe you can call me more often ๐Ÿ˜

Sweetheart โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’›

I love you to the Moon and back through to infinity plus one!!!

๐Ÿ˜Š Please LIKE my FB page dedicated to my babies – MISSING MY BABIES

I have 3 kids and 4 grands ๐Ÿ’œ my son is the baby of the family!

๐Ÿ’™ Thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’š

ZERO tolerance for STUPIDITY

I’m pretty sure that the devil singles me out, knowing drama will follow me, no matter how much I try to stay away from it.

I’m a Christian, though backslidden, thru and thru … However, know this: I love Jesus with my whole heart … they don’t know me … But He does …

Why do they hate on me? They are jealous He tells me. Of my little bit of nothing? God says, no, they are jealous of your heart.

Your told to show His love, but human we are, and I don’t believe the God I know, will blame me for protecting myself … Again from poison,

rebel flag, unattractive, racist, ugly people that have insecurity issues

… think that they can talk to souls any way they choose … I’m here to tell him, it’s not okay … Not with me anyway.

Hurting people, hurt people, because they think the world owes them. They are weak minded individuals, but yes they all deserve love.
Not from me however, because I’m here to put that lie to to rest, chuckling inside knowing the world doesn’t owe anyone anything!

Those are no good, greedy, know it all’s, that know nothing at all, but how to put people down in order to make themselves feel good.

Weak ~ amusing ~ pitiful

“Lol” to myself,

They are so pitiful and sad to me, but karma will have hers … Inevitably, so if you can ~ hold on and watch …

They will hang themselves … stand up to them, never back down and that right there will scare them seriously all around.
I wish they could see how ugly they are inside, and did I mention pitiful?

Cut all ties, because toxic is poison, to the gentler ones with big hearts, also tough on the outside, yet so fragile on the inside.

Take a deep breath and tell yourself ~ you are worth it and you will get through this because you have no other option.

Never let them see you sweat,

… BUT …

Take notes and know that they are INSIGNIFICANT in your life, they deserve no kindness from you (others can minister to this one), because that’s what I gave and that turned them against me,

Insecurity is evident … You can’t be nice to the deviled souls.

Watch them, you scare them and, in turn, they are trying to fake you out.

Listen to your gut, IT WILL NEVER LIE. TRUST YOU.

NEVER THEM.

You don’t need to be accepted by trolls such as that. You shouldn’t want to be nice to rats …

Hold your head up and remember,

ZERO tolerance for STUPIDITY …

.. your better than that ..

โค๏ธ Thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’š

remembering alone

In my world, I sit and I remember … long ago days – days that don’t even seem real to me now.

Was that me? I can’t picture me in that situation – Yes, that’s me. How did I ever live through that?

It feels like someone else lived that life, but no, it was me … I remember.

I’ve grown inside and past days no longer bring hurt, but they have brought self awareness, while showing me how much I’ve grown on the inside …

… as I remember …

… Forever … That’s what it felt like ~ like it took me forever, to grow inside and be at peace within my soul.

Older now, there’s so damn much I lost way back then – but after a while – it would take years – I gained myself in return, once I made the first step to search for myself and maybe one day soon, that will all balance out …

… future hope …

Sighing deeply, I know that everything happens for a reason. We may or may not know what that reason is but mark my words

… and trust this fact …

…there is a reason for everything we go through.

( … we go through challenges in life, not for ourselves but to help other people that may be in a situation we were once in …)

Remembering … I lost almost everything I had back then … Hopelessly younger and yet producing invalid resolutions –

Sadness always trying to overwhelm my soul, because you see … I’m now finally becoming me. The me I was always supposed to be! My babies don’t know me and know them I do not

– not yet –

We could start fresh – it’s possible and yes – I want them to know the me I just found – the me I am now – this really cool me, that should have always been around – for both of my kids …

I’m finally me ~ that means I’m free – free deep inside of me and that pain has a key – and that key would be – the key that would keep me quite safe from reprieve.

Looking back, I was just grateful then – for getting out with my sanity and my life. I seriously can’t see clearly who that person is – who lived with my name back then that loved her children so small in each of their tales however, different then!

Why does it have to be me that does without her heart? That’s what they are – my heart – People saw me wrong, they always did, so what did I ever do so bad that this LOSS would be my punishment? Living with the thought of losing them for real – was the closest thing to hell on earth that I ever did feel … and with folks whispering hatefully in secret, thinking I would not hear, as they died how sorry I was. Rumors exploded telling the tale – that I never loved those kids and became the favorite mantra and jeer! That was NOT THE CASE, no matter the scenario or what took place … I loved my children more than anything in this world – I screamed to them all, as I pleaded my case.

My actions proved to be the catalyst for haters to grasp, clutching the reins, stating to all that I was a complete disgrace.

smdh …

how I made it through doesn’t matter at all but more importantly was this – how did those two, especially my son, get through the pain of me being gone … and did he feel that I no longer cared? The knowledge inside that he may – crushes my spirit that is life, because my love for him … Knows no bounds …

That is what keeps me awake late at night – i would wonder with tears that are stuck in my throat – the pain his little heart carried around, with fear close by – why was his mom not here by his side?

I remember regretfully that those needed lessons I learned – had taken years to sink through to where my integrity lived – for them to be embedded and placed deep in my soul.

It took longer still, for me to believe and also trust that those lessons learned … Maybe could somehow fix – any mistakes that had come, mostly being born from my biggest conflicts.

the wait was quite long for me to accept, forgive then love, the me that belonged – that me belonged here instead of this me … through the maze that I did see ~ searching my way – as though I was blind, yet I prayed so hard so that it could just blow his little mind ..

… Still longer it took … For me to learn how to finally love the true me I had found – IDK how I lived, through the pain of losing my heart and the fear settling in … Once – not to long ago – I embraced the pain that was raw from thoughts of my kids – mainly my son – I begged God that he would not lose the love or the trust … He had just for me …

… tears slowly remembering the path of the pain – with vivid recollection of those long ago days – I would have sold my soul to evil if it would have brought him to live with me, but in that pit, inside of me, that was to deep it seems – may get the better of me. I felt in my heart with my gut saying how true – thinking to myself, how little I knew wondering maybe inside how I was feeling would be – pretty hard to face – yet still my tears fell, streaking it all but with precision and grace.

My baby … I needed to state would probably be better off without me. I knew he was way better off – without me. I’d forever been told what a bad parent I’d be, in the months and years before that – it was drilled in my head – I was no good and was trash. I was also informed I would never, not ever, amount to much …

Nobody knows my soul or my heart including my measure of pain – How much I cried for my son in the earliest days … I sensed within – I needed to pick myself up and never fall –
not ever again.

It may take me years, I eerily thought
Facing the fact, that I must go on – a self awareness search for me – the me I was supposed to have been then, indeed! Locating the space inside me – where forgiveness was just a central trait, yes I did see – where acceptance would rule saving me in part – Falling in love with the me – I would be for my two precious hearts. I could start my self journey right away –
I had to take these steps yet I wasn’t quite sure – but wherever it may lead – ever how long it may take – doesn’t matter unless my baby boy can see …
and what I for him, my very own son, doesn’t show most times – as we know because it’s hiding behind a great wall we both know. My wall keeps pain born out of guilt, overseeing and keeping it from sticking like filth …

“as my sOuL cries …”

while inside – I’m moving forward, so that there will not be one doubt – in my son’s fragile mind and also his heart – as life seems to know nothing – but rushing about. My journey unfolds – I’m in awe you see – the life flavors he catches with clarity – he can actually see …

… Me. The me I now show and in showing control and having never let go – this me is way more cherished, more than diamonds or gold! I was like a sponge, soaking in a hot steamy tub and … then I was seeing all I could see –

I had finally gained more than self control over sadness, depression and HIV – ADHD coming from the rear, diabetes 2 stands away from the others so near, also my eyes and I have been told – are legally blind – yet COPD laughs saying … Don’t forget mine! Those do not define anything that I am … As long as I can love, truly love me – there’s nothing else I care about except self love for myself …

UNCONDITIONALLY

Me loving me was the hardest thing – hardest thing I would ever do – I recalled that pain flowing heavily from my eyes … In loving the me that was causing this strife – I ached for those babies in that awful past space – to please forgive the me who just didn’t know … A person born with a dazed and crazy brain also having a mom that certainly kept me in pain. It was never about me, and the only way I could push through and survive – no matter what my baby was told … all I ever did – was cry inside – begging God for those kids to refrain, from turning ice cold …

Time … it’s a precious gift I know now … we can never replace it once it passes … it never comes back –

Always remember that and think twice – pray hard and remember to Whom you belong!

I’m at peace inside of the real me today, although I think back to those days filled with fear – I’m not that me, not anymore … but hints of misery and from being afraid – taught me bright brutal truths that I would never – again ignore

No – I would never ignore … No – not anymore …

I had to maintain control of my emotions no doubt, guilt was heavy with feelings and wanting to shout – I was grieving the loss of my son while he’s still around. No wonder I felt like I deserved abuse, that I would receive in future rounds . Once, just recently I’ve seen – how it feels to finally be free, from guilt and crushing pain slamming down on top of me. I struggle daily because of the fact that I need for my hero, my son is for him to see – and that is my heart, through all of the steps that I managed to take … moving toward loving myself – in spite of the hurt I held like a pro – the sweetest little boy who grew up in front of my eyes: from my small son who I hold treasured memories for … to the 19 year old

that has made me so proud

I once begged God to please let me live, just long enough for my kids to see – being open inside for my wishes indeed – knowing how my son is just like me – no matter what he may tell himself to believe. My actions have shown now recently – I want the real me to make him perceive and discern that I am finally the me I should be.

Please let him draw close and feel comfortable and see without putting pressure on any part of the scene … I want him to see in the past and just this once let my love be a giant force while earning his trust.

I realized I was grieving my son though he were still alive and the guilt that I housed would infect me instead. He would need to know, much later on, when he was grown wondering what he’d done wrong for me to be gone. He may wonder – Did she miss me and did she cry for me as I did for her?

God allow him to know – while no doubts would be shown – I’d done everything that was expected of me. I knew little that I was supposed do and that entire time he was separated from me … Through mistakes and past wrongs showing to all – my actions were saying one thing and I hid away the other, pressing through, despite being hated on times ten … God, please let my baby boy love me again.

I missed him greatly, with a pain he’d never know – could she keep herself from showing her indifference? She glowed …

with the thought that Kenno, in the days that will come – would be shown her heart – that missed him – her prayer was actively answered indeed – he was going to be blessed to unveil the big plea, that he’s facing his freedom that was overshadowing me!

Yes, every night for years long past, I would cry heavy tears with gut wrenching pain – slicing through to the midst speaking prayers for God to take my son’s hurt for it to never remain.
I cried when I would think of you – innocent and sweet – how blatantly uncool for his mom to forsake.

I’m writing this so my heart and actions be shown – to my baby boy who is super smart – while deep down he discerned his mom’s moves way back at the start – and knew instantly the love she held tightly for him – never left her feelings as long as baby boy was at peace, since he finally knew, all those years ago, mom was more frightened than me? She loved me no matter what her past actions would show? And it would appear that she was not cold blooded I knowI FINALLY see and discern just for me, that she truly – to the Moon and back – really loved me!

Memories come alive …

~ animated in my head ~

tears are streaking silently down my face … I’m focusing on impressions from long ago grace … and as I sit quietly – in my own little world, I remember this and a whole lot more …

I do know this – I know this for sure, since my son finally admitted to loving me more!

I remember …

that I hate … remembering …

… remembering alone …

;-(

… thankfully when this all took place – the deep thinking – awareness thoughts – were within God’s grace!

โค๏ธI’m referring to my son (or when I briefly mention my kids) when I talk about “my heart …”

๐Ÿ’™ Read “my SouL cries” (part one is the link) … a three part series to completely understand ME and what’s up!

๐Ÿ’œ Like my fb page that I created because I miss my babies!

โค๏ธ Thank you for reading, commenting, and following ๐Ÿ’š

Racism ~ suxxx

I’m writing this on the wake of these New Zealand killings of innocent people. Bless their hearts. They were in their place of worship, worshipping and these white supremacists decided that it was a good time to take their lives??? REALLY?????

Shocking? Yes, it is. I’m from the south of the United States, so I’m definitely schooled in racism. I was raised to be racist but thankfully that never stuck. I just don’t understand having problems with someone simply because they are a different color, or they are of a different nationality, or they have a different beliefs and religion than I do. That doesn’t make them bad people.

What was the point in killing those poor people in their place of worship? And then recording it? Was this supposed to make them bigshots in some way? It makes them disgusting and pitifully weak in the real world and around real compassionate people!

Believe that – there was a purpose, those type of deep racist and ignorant people always have a purpose for how they do things, even if it’s not obvious to us (the public).

I certainly do NOT want to hear because God told me to! I’m tired of hearing that someone has killed someone in God’s name.

First of all God would NOT tell someone to kill anyone.

He would not tell anyone that no matter what their differences, He would tell us to show Christ to them. He would not have us pointing fingers. Kind of like in the 1800’s, when the Catholics were killing the Protestants and vise-versa. Supposedly, in God’s name, and I just shake my head because there again, they are blaming God for their own stupidity and ignorance.

Time will tell on the WHY they did this and what was their purpose? I’m sure it was partly because of their religion. I don’t like the radical Muslims, like Isis, but the Muslim people for the most part are good, quiet and loving people. You just don’t end a life because someone is different than you. You just DON’T DO THAT!

I don’t know, but to just do what they did and how they did it is CRAZY to say the least. I pray that they are caught and have the most massive laws thrown at them.

Where has the compassion gone for others, other than ourselves?

We are ALL HUMAN BEINGS.

I guess that means nothing to the type that just massacred those 49 people. To me, it’s spiritual. The demons definitely were in charge of that/those person/people. That’s the only thing that makes sense to me. Y’all have too remember, I come from the Bible belt!

The root of this type of CRAP is RACISM. I see it daily here in the South and I know it’s dominate in other states and even in other countries. I promise you though, it is NOTHING like it is here in the South, of the United States of America. I totally LOATHE racism.

We ALL BLEED RED just like Jesus BLED ON THE CROSS!

PEOPLE we have got to unite and come together and make the statement THAT IS NOT OKAY to kill people for their differences.

Make an example out of these out of control white folks, please!

smdh๐Ÿ˜ž I did read yesterday that Facebook, Twitter and YouTube are removing those awful videos as soon as they are posted. You have to congratulate them for doing this. I’m sure it’s taken more than one person to handle that task. If you see a post that is in fact that awful video of the massacre, please report it to the social platform you are on.

Let me know in the comments your thoughts on this horrid happening.

๐Ÿ’• Thanxxx for reading and commenting and following

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๐Ÿ’šโค๏ธ Thanxxx for reading, commenting and following โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’š

Sleepless in Texas โœŒ๏ธ

I’m undiagnosed and untreated with adult ADHD and it’s progression has worsened, especially within the past three to six months. I don’t know why. I’m just familiar with my body emotionally and physically, and both areas are freaking out more than ever.

I’ve silently suffered from ADHD my entire life. There were some times that were worse than others; however, recently has been the worse time of all.

I think to myself, “Yay, in my early golden years I get to put up with this craziness magnified. I’m so scattered and I know that people can see the crazy old lady I am perceived to be. Great, I think to myself. Perfect.

I know others are sick to death of hearing me complain about my undiagnosed state as well as being untreated. They have been sweet not to say anything, but “I’m afraid they may leave if I keep it up, like all the others in my past”. Paralyzing thoughts. Yay ๐Ÿ‘Œ thank you ADHD. Your thoughts will lie to you. It suxxx.

I have a very small circle including my landlady (who is a very good friend), my BFWB, and my platonic male friend Kenny. That’s about it. I have a very small circle. Less drama and less people judging me, and less people to screw me over. I’ve had my fill of those types in my life, no more for me

I know people would think I was mental if I were to go out in public. I have let myself go physically and I’m ashamed.

I mistakingly thought I could overcome it with mind over matter but boy, was I totally wrong. I used to be so pretty now I feel like a troll ๐Ÿ™„

My sleep patterns are non- existent and wacky, for lack of a better word.

I do have my crazy moments though, real talk! Focusing only through writing and the lessons learned about my mistakes in life.

The fact that I can’t control a lot of this scares me but what can I do? Nothing, but move forward the best I can, praying for the day I can afford to see a clinic or Doctor that will treat me.

Long story short, my clinic is a sliding scale government funded clinic and they told me they didn’t prescribe stimulants nor did they have funding to test for ADHD.

I could bear and handle the symptoms, for the most part, until three to six months ago. They became worse and almost unbearable. I’ve struggled big-time ever since as if it were brand new to me.

I’ve worked harder on this blog site and content than I ever have with anything else! There is an almost explosive drive behind me, keeping me going with little sleep for days. I’m exhausted, excited, scared, anxious and distant all in one. But I keep plodding along until my battery runs out altogether.

Conquering my addiction was easier than dealing with this, I believe.

The ADHD explains the addiction, because I was addicted to cocaine. A stimulant (ADHD is treated with synthetic methamphetamine – which is a simulant as well) and I was unconsciously self medicating I’m sure in hopes of feeling “normal”.

Cocaine does not treat ADHD to any real degree. (maybe take the edge off and numb your emotions so you don’t feel the effects of ADHD symptoms) That’s why I felt little relief while getting hooked in the process. I’ve been clean over five years. That was only after five horrible relapses but I was not one to give up, so I kept trying to stop and finally I did.

I need relief and soon from this emotional hell.

Tomorrow is another day in which I really need to clean my house. Another one of ADHDs symptoms at work. These emotions can paralyze you into not being able to do anything. Sometimes, I can push through that and other times I simply cannot.

I was blessed to have RAW determination that has gotten me through my weakest points. I never know how I’m going to make it, but somehow I just do.

I’m grateful today for the revelations in my personal growth, but I need a break to rest.

LIKE my Facebook page for help and info for living with ADHD and other stigma related diseases, disorders and lifestyles: https://www.facebook.com/stopandkillthestigma/

The imprint of you on my heart

Ohhhh, have I gone to far in my need of you?

Life is to scary without your presence … I want your attention, your recognition that I matter…

Life tried to change me and I struggle to deal but your hand has always been there, for me.

Hoping you will stay patient one more time,
with my moments of
deep revelations I have inside โค๏ธ screaming at myself inside to stop the negative thoughts…

So you won’t leave me floating in the wind.
I’m satisfied, I tremble and as I glance at you,
Are you satisfied? I wonder, shamefully. I would do anything for you… Please don’t leave.

Thoughts swirling so fast
Prayers for you to understand, please stay or I will die inside.

Fear abounds but I say

NO MORE
It screeches to a halt…

I already knew, deep down past the fear. You’ve never let me down.

I know I can never lose you … Or else I would be lost.

๐Ÿ’•LIKE my fb page that is dedicated to my BFWB ๐Ÿ’‹

Other posts about my bfwb: Where does the love go

NEVERLAND for mature readers

A REAL MAN

Just maybe

Tears falling down

Beyond the scope of normal for mature readers

Why

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray