🎸 rOCk candy QUEEN

FOREWORD: This poem gives you a unique insight straight into a crack/cocaine addicts sOuL (your sOuL iS made up of your mind, your will, and your emotions) and the most intense death grip hold that this evil drug has on them. Also, what level of mental power that it takes you inside to be completely free from

crack/cocaine as well as showing you what it takes to become a SURVIVOR OF ADDICTION

🎸rOCk candy QUEEN

Years ago my thoughts go back to that horrific time where she was fun to hang out with … that evil cousin to the white ladyshe knew how to make you feel good and keep you intrigued …

… IN THE BEGINNING …

… yet … you kept going back for more and more … not realizing she was completely out of your league …

… she became more fierce with her touch as time moved on – she revealed no heart and no soul to no one … it was considered quite the phenomenon …

know this …

she can turn your heart away from your own self because she does not play, because she gains … as well as turning your loved ones away and she will not stop until your soul is in chains …

clutching you tight … knowing you can’t break free … you’re stuck outright … in bondage to the queen of rOCk CanDy – the evil cousin to the white lady indeed …

You will find her dancing with the demons of addiction, heartbreak and pain – they know you will eventually give in to their strong demands once again – while you falsely think that they accept you – yet really they do not –

… that’s just get you hooked so they are able to harass you relentlessly – down that vile path that you tried so hard to adopt … because by then – they are laughing at you – watching you – as you realize in horror –

THAT YOU’RE UNABLE TO STOP …

Like a robot and a puppet you move to her beat … like a good master – she pulls easy then real hard on your puppet strings – pushing your soul … while you chase that next hit – as she heartlessly brings – you way down – to hell’s fiery pit …

… Teasing you mercilessly – is one of her many sick treats … just as the hit that you raced for … finally connects inside your brain … causing you to feel such a major relief – you feel it straight down to your core – making you feel like you will never hurt again forever more …

… yet …

… you’re still wanting more and more and still yet more – until she senses your fear, forcing even the devil himself to scream … “go on you’re worthless – just get the hell outta here”

… then sadly, as you cower down – what does all of this prove – your wondering because you’re still –

… in the COCAINE mood …

… knowing full well …

… it’s not enough – it’s never enough anymore … your always miserable, sick, scared, depressed, strung out and dazed …

… and you just can’t stop …

… because when you think about that cloud of white smoke just passing you by … your body constricts in pain, your brain aches and … with a brutal force that’s dragging you down once again – your body and mind is strained …

… you sink way lower than you ever wanted to go – to stare straight at the queen of rOCk CanDy – whose waiting for you to pay what she thinks you owe …

… and rOCk CanDy will have no problem – numbing your emotions and your mind … so you aren’t clear enough to make any decisions at all … it’s no wonder that she’s more than just a tiny bit surprised …

… when you actually take a stand …

against her and once she senses your newfound strength – she then squeeze’s your sOuL so hard you can’t breathe …

… she’s holding you snug – in her cold yet intriguing hand …

“Do you think you can play with me” … she laughs at you instead …

she also whispers in your ear telling you what you want to hear … just to keep you disheveled and mislead …

… and once she has your emotions shredded and your mind feel quite lost … you are once again locked away deep inside – while your sOuL pays the cost …

… you tell yourself how stupid it was to let that white bit*h – so damn deep in your mind … you had no clue that was going to be your hardest damn uphill climb …

She will fight you like a man, ultimately kicking your ass – so it may seem – but you NEVER GIVE UP and you show this queen … you don’t back down from this white cu*t – the infamous and lethal …

… the eviL … the rOCk CanDy queen …

… If you keep fighting and DO NOT stop …

– she WILL have no choice but to weaken her grasp and then you can quickly run away and …

… then … gradually …

… one day she will stop chasing you and realize that your not worth her time, so she will find another weak sOuL – to commit her hellish crimes.

she will take them by the hand and lead them along that same horrific path … that leads straight to the nightmare place – right to the front door and straight into hell – introducing them to the evil cousin to the white lady – the queen of the rOCk CanDy jaiL …

… during this release … you may fall and stumble around – fall off cliffs and possibly drown – in the turbulent waters racing away – she’s known to come looking … so fall to your knees and pray …

… that relapse will miss the mark then she won’t be able to locate you in the dark …

… especially with her tempting you … make sure you do not betray but just in case you slip from the path of complete abstinence – just get back up … put yourself back on the road …

and stay …

… don’t get discouraged – pick yourself up and dust off those stains – that the queen of rOCk CanDy forcibly made … strive once more until you get it right … don’t ever allow taunts and hurtful words make you give up without a fight …

Relapse just means you won’t stop striving to quit … it’s tough and unfriendly … remember she isn’t going to give up on you … not one bit …

… so …

Don’t allow anyone to bring you down with rumors or snobby looks – they don’t have a clue … as to what heLL you have been through – with this evil cousin to the white lady … who is the rOCk CanDy queen … realize that if you aLLow hershe will keep hounding you as if y’all were still a team …

… ultimately

… she has a diabolical plan to KILL you …

… dark depression …

… hateful voices whisper in the wind … evil beings that harass you … they are not your damn friend – beware of your mental health taking a turn … she will scratch you and then bite you – seemingly diminishing you – before you can learn … that this rOCk CanDy queen is a bitCh that stands firm …

her job is to jumble your thoughts and make you see through a blurry haze – your vision and mind so distorted that any decision you make will for sure be crazed …

addiCtiOn is only a symptom that masks the underlying root cause … You need to gather all your strength and please take a much needed pause …

… and …

… you stop being so nice to her …

“STOP LISTENING TO THAT BIT*H … GET MAD and with all your strength … face your fear and stand up in her face … as you recall all the things she lied about throughout the past several years… taunting you with your fears while teLLing you that you’re a disgrace … remember you almost lost your life behind her evil lies … stop listening to her before you die” …

… let that rOCk CanDy bit*h hear you as you scream at her that “SHE’S JUST THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE” … you tell her off and curse her out – “JUST REMEMBER WHO THA FU*K YOU ARE” … and do yourself a favor by taking a brand new route …

… that leads away from the door – at the entrance of hell – in the opposite direction that will allow you to prevaiL –

previously – way before that white bitch stole our dream … I told myself I couldn’t smoke that rOCk … little did I know that years later her and I would become quite the team …

… no matter what – keep holding your head up high – keep moving forward – find that deep down determination – find out how you can love yourself more – more especially through – the many dark dreary days … that may certainly overcome you … because, trust me she will be keeping score …

… and guess what? …

… one day the harrowing relapses will halt – she soon will realize that she’s FINALLY locked in the past … don’t let her define you – remember too that people will talk, scorn and laugh …

… but just you hold fast to your dream and remember the pain when she took away all those many years putting on you ALL of the blame …

… “STOP … KEEP GOING” – you’re doing just fine … give yourself a smile because once and for all you take charge of the main design … finaLLy you managed to beat that damn queen – the cousin to the evil white lady who still is

… the rOCk CanDy queen …

Keep striving, sweating, straining while you also remember that rOCk CanDy jaiL …

It’s been a bittersweet journey after turning away from the front door of hell …

… If you are an addict – using ANY drug that’s taken over your life –

… REACH OUT because I want you to know this: I saw a level of addiction that most hard core addicts don’t see and they don’t know exist –

… you DO NOT want to be there because the only way out … IF YOU STAY IN DEFEAT … is going to be a horribly long life behind bars or worse – Death is waiting to take you to the front door that leads into hell so you can hang out with the the queen and the devil himself …

… you are NOT – trust me – your not ready for that … not when it means staying in the rOCk CanDy jaiL …

©chellesrawthoughts

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

⭐ if you or someone you care about is a crack cocaine addict – or hooked on ANY drug – this link to help for alcohol and drug addiction will help you find the help you need in your area.

🚥 read about crack/cocaine addicts – these are their stories .. get help!

⭐ Like my Facebook page about addiction for support!

💫 thank you for reading, commenting and following 💫

💔 mommy dearest ðŸ’”

💔 revised post from mother’s day 2019 💔

I couldn’t believe it … when I was first told … the person that raised me was for real is a petty mean troll … She was hateful indeed and there was no doubt … that loathing she did went beyond way up and out … Yet my being raised so out of control … it was the devil from hell that wanted my soul …

Once I knew that she loved to hurt me … she sure did that that to me a lot indeed … On purpose was her pain … aimed directly at my brain … where it was disorderly yet sane … although crazy it caused anxiety in my brain …

For years, I made it my mission that I’d find a way to please … the evil monster she was … while trying to appease … The orders she tried to make me succumb … yet instead she managed to regain control over on one …

She blamed me for several … of covered up wrongs … my hidden disorder playing like an old song … with her look of disgust … that quickly became a must … to settle on down … to calm my fears while crushing my trust …

She hated on me … for many years more…. while telling me I was never going to be any good … that I was brainless and dumb … I was told time and again … I knew better and when … I disagreed with her … it was much to her chagrin …

Feeling ashamed that I was being stupid all over again … I had no real guidance that gave me a start … with me … grasping for instructions on the minute details of her black heart …

Through the cloudy hidden ADHD haze … jumbled and dazed … feeling the hatred from her they should’ve been a crime … for her it’s just in due time … realizing then that she must … not love me … while claiming that I was the one that was acting real bad … yes that had to be me …

I’d feel so bad that I couldn’t be good … this evil woman I’d begun to hate … while I realized that I would never be understood … her knowing that goodness … freely flowed out of me … that depressing blanket of black … hovered above me … while covering up the unimpeachable … just step back, wait and see …

Paralyzing taunts from the evil in her …. that plagued my thoughts … I certainly was not any old amatuer … ONLY WANTING HER TO LOVE ME … all that now thank God is a blur … Yet all I could do then … is pray that everything would be okay … because that’s what she’d prefer …

She turned my sweet … my baby girl … into a mini little “she” … told her fake news all about me … making me want to flee … down these roads why couldn’t she just leave all of this be …

I was slipping away into that cold dark pit – that was harrowing, scary and warm not a bit … why does she kill my dreams which caused me to just quit …

… the fact that I’m really smart … wasn’t very well known to those around me back then – all I wanted in the world was another mom to start … she lied to me not doing her part … countless times which definitely set the pace … it’s set in stone and unfortunately for me … I fell in disgrace … and her presence followed me … lurking all around the place …

she was always telling more lies about me … unforgettable yet still absurd … now as I look back on those shameful days … she remain cold and undeterred … I often never ever heard … the apologies resounding from her frosty cold soul … she’d never give me her word … not would she relinquish her control …

she’s never going to accept me, ever I thought … that I’d never make it back from all of the dark words and shameful taunts that the devil himself made from her lips without being caught …

the evil clinging inside of her brain – is way hotter than hell … I would never be the same … so much confusing chaos … all around her while silently praying but to no avail … she’d go head first … crashing through my many mistakes … on that rocky road from hell … while holding them all not just one … over me with no brakes …

I don’t feel guilty or anything bad … because I’m free to hate her now … for any unpleasantness that narcissists spread … The guilt as the scapegoat almost suffocated me many years ago … from the lies, calling names and with references that I’d been born from down below …

throughout each night all of my life … from daylight to dark … I’d been brought down real low … I should’ve fallen apart …

I craved for her to acknowledge me … for her to be proud … knowing it was doubtful at best .. yet somehow I was made to believe … that there had to be some good in everyone indeed …

narcissists don’t have one ounce of cheer … so now I no longer care if she acknowledged me back then or not … I was completely blown over when shown what she was … that day not very easily forgot …

I learned the hard way that she would never feel love for me or for you … while strolling along in life … Hopelessly … she’d groan causing so much strife … and with pain coming down … directly aimed at my soul … I wasn’t about to let anyone know …

I’m finally free ever since I’ve known what label she supports … masking emotions and things of that sort …

Manipulators and controllers stay busy all about … I tried so long to be a real good girl … there should be no doubt …

I feel as if I’m caught in a bind of chaos inside foggy clouds … I was unable to verbalize my feelings out loud … being locked in my own little world every day … so so quiet … still sensing her hate unmasking when she’d smile at me underneath it was so fake …

I was finally released … from her diabolical mind … my memories from then are ultimately at peace … I would no longer wish for her to be kind …

I rode out the hard pain … that hovered … barely … above me … while having thoughts that I feared that mostly involved you as well as me …

I am finally at the point in my life … I no longer have feelings … not for or about her … and I no longer tolerate any damn strife … I am at peace inside knowing my worth “as it were” …

©chellesrawthoughts

💔 if you or someone you know is a daughter of a narcissistic mother 💔 reach out to them … they need someone to understand them and the depth of their immense emotional pain … because they believe everything is their fault … 💔 when it’s not …

💔 here are some informative and helpful links 💔

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: A Bond Made of Selfishness and Coldness

Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers

The Incredible Healing Power of Reddit’s ‘RaisedbyNarcissists’ Support Group

Do You Have A Narcissistic Mother?

8 Common, Long-Lasting Effects of Narcissistic Parenting

What happens when you live in the shadow of a narcissistic parent?

The Invisible War Zone: 5 Ways Children Of Narcissistic Parents Self-Destruct In Adulthood

💔 thank you for reading, following and
commenting 💔

🌪️ Inside the tornado … thoughts lie ðŸŒªï¸

I feel it coming on … this crazy feeling in my brain that won’t go away fast enough … This is a different type of pain …

  

 

I feel myself starting to shake inside …  I then … sense the high winds of the tornado close by …

 

“I know it will carry me off yet again……”

 

“To what destination” I  wonder… “Where the thoughts are born? Then they lie?”

 

I know it’s because of the fog … The unclear clouds of confusion.

Mind over matter worked for me earlier in the day. I put myself in a good mood, I do this every day only for it to be jerked away from me, VICIOUSLY.

 

“I work so hard to stay okay …”

“… why, why, why …”

 

“Is this a dream?”   I wondered, as I ached inside.

 

 

“Will we survive this journey I’m on? We better. You know how I look up to you, hang onto your every word but I just don’t get your mood towards me.” (I said silently to my bfab)

 

“Am I interpreting it wrong or is it real”

my mind tries to scream through the clouds of confusion.

” … is it real …”


no … remember, thoughts lie …”

What happened to the sweet, encouraging, uplifting mood that I’m used to?

 

“Am I not worthy of being bothered with because I don’t matter?”

 

Oh my heart needs a clear view and there is none here … in the clouds rushing around me …

 

I feel that heavy on me like a blanket. I don’t matter  enough to bother, I decided because I was so frustrated!


“Instead of lifting me up, you crushed me, intentionally? maybe not.” I tell myself fervently, so I beg you inside my head …

 

“please don’t make me cry …”

 

Yet you did anyway …

 

The clouds are closing on on me …

 

That’s really on me because of those thoughts in the cloud and …… “I remember those thoughts do lie.”

 

… Nonetheless, that really hurt me inside my heart if I perceived it correctly.  I hoped I didn’t, knowing that certain thoughts will lie …

You are my unsung hero and I need you in my life. I need your encouraging words, your smile and your personality all around me …


“Am I not worth that

bother?” the screams tell me that “thoughts lie” … when the clouds are around, and not to forget … “It will be over soon …”

I’m locked in that confusing fog of clouds not knowing if I matter or not … I beg for a hint of peace to pierce into the fear inside … Gathering myself together the best I can …

” … I’m glad those thoughts lie……..I can’t lose what I found …”

I cherish the fact that you are my best friend and beyond with all of my heart, so please don’t hurt me … I can’t do this alone because I will fail alone (I secretly begged him) … Nobody gets my crazy brain but you, and I cannot see my life unless you are in it …

 

I need you with me and by my side in order to survive whatever this is, enveloping me. In my mind I beg …

 

” … please don’t disappear because of the fog …”

I would not hesitate if the tables were turned, to stand by your side and be supportive of you …

because that’s just what best friends are supposed to do …

 

“Why aren’t you …”

 

 

“… no answer …”

 

” … thoughts lie … he cares …”

“… remember the clouds will leave …

The one thing I need from you is your smile and you won’t give it …  Is the reason  because I want it so bad … Is that why you keep it from me … That is mean, don’t you see … But your not like that … through the fog I know that … It’s jumbled up because of the thick clouds and tornados of thoughts that creep in …

“Why did you think it was okay for you to be mean towards me, especially now? Or is that my distorted perception ...”

“Are you just holding your kind words back because my soul needs to hear them? On purpose?
This is not like you, I just don’t get it.”


“remember thoughts lie … don’t forget”
“he hasn’t changed, you should know better …”

… frustrated … if not for the clouds I would … “I would know …”

“… I know you care, but you don’t let me see it …”



I’m crushed and no one cares it seems … I think to myself … “just walk on me and step on me, it doesn’t matter … I’m gonna hurt anyway … Why doesn’t anybody hear me …”

I just don’t get it … I’m confused and I know why … yet knowing doesn’t stop it from happening …

… Your making no sense to me … I’m not used to you hurting me …  Never before had you tried … “why now” …


“… damn … these thoughts lie and I see them from inside this tornado …”

  distorted … hazy … warped …

“But do you care? You can’t be like the rest. Please let this be a dream … and I wake up and your sweet … unlike the rest … you are special …

“… so please don’t be the same as everyone else …”


The screaming inside my soul cries …

“… Don’t forget what I’ve said … thoughts lie …”

… exhaustion …


” … just leave me be so I can cry in peace. But I don’t care …” It hurts in my belly with hard sharp pains … I’m so tired … through and through …

you have no clue as to how much I need you in my life …

I thought you would always care … but you don’t … At least that is what I feel …

 

… feelings … just like the whirlwind of thoughts … will lie … don’t forget …

“… omg thoughts lie, I almost forgot …”

 

 

The unwanted tangled and distorted thoughts cloud the original ones that are locked in my head … My brain was trying to save me by screaming …

 

“… remember thoughts lie … don’t forget …”

“I’m closing my eyes … stay close to me … I don’t want to die … die inside … I mean from a crushed spirit … you don’t crush those … you lift those up … goodnight I’m closing my eyes … stay close please …”

“I need you to forget that I’m in this cloud of swirling winds … I won’t always be … Please stay … Because I know that thoughts do lie … I’m holding fast to the faith that sustains me for that to please be true …”

” … You are the same as before … I’m so grateful for you … goodI was wrong …”

 

... my mind clears and those horrible clouds seem to be lifting now …”

 

” … you stayed … thank you …”


” … thank you …” I silently spoke to the Lord … “for reminding me that those thoughts lied …”This was written during an ADHD anxiety crazed moment … not after … 
I wanted to describe the negative thoughts and the struggle to fight them so others could see what someone battles daily with this disorder.

Serious ADHD Likely!“>TEST FOR ADHD


💙 LIKE my facebook page for help and info about living with stigma related disorders … diseases … illnesses … check it out … 💜

🌪️ Thank you for reading, commenting and following 🌪️

💧memories … roll down my cheeks💧

⚡ this post focuses on the fall of 2013, when we lost our home. My son, who was 15 at the time, was forced to move in with his two friends from school and their mom, because of a personal tragedy. I was so thankful they did and I know that God gave them to my son to help him during this pivotal time in his young life. There were rumors spreading faster than the speed of sound about me, in our small rural town. I was called every name in the book and made to feel as if I didn’t care about my son or the house I lost. What nobody saw or understood was that we both had lost our whole life. It was horrific at best. I had to leave town that following January and I moved to a larger town close by. I went to the homeless shelter there to try to pick up the broken and shattered pieces of our life.

💑 This is our story …

.. … dedicated to my amazing son, who is graduating 🎓 this month and the tragedy he faced that started the domino effect, through the obstacles he pushed through on his journey 🏃even after his fathers unexpected death 👤 he pressed on 👲 until the present day 👩‍🚒 This poem focuses on how this bittersweet victory shows how determination 🎓 true love 🌪️ and heartache can anchor your soul 👩‍🎓 driving you to succeed 🙏 against all odds 🎓

“… memories … roll down my cheeks …”

Remembering those memories from before …… of his tiny hands and feet, smiling baby cheeks, and as I remember more memories I picture … his chubby face – full of table food smears, birthday cakes and summer slides, of course popsicles – loved by all …. year after year …

Disdainfully, I cringe away from those dark painful thoughts – feeling a tight knot form in my throat … from hateful impressions … molded by haters … Who saw me as naught ……

The measure of unfathomed love inside me – would have filled close to one thousand worlds …

“my son was my smile simply because … I dreamed him into being, long before he was born ...”

but smiles fade … life’s tests and trials find you and you have no option but to maintain – otherwise there would be nothing to gain …

For reasons I can’t imagine – but liars … haters galore wouldn’t leave my mind … stress magnified probably close to one million times … I was unable to show my heart through my actions not even through my life – it wouldn’t have mattered – haters never care about the truth if they believe they see – they just hate – then lie, so … nobody at all tried to see, just how precious my baby boy was to me.

Our safety – our midnight talks, our schedule – my washing your socks – our dream – EVERYTHING THAT WE’D KNOWN – was gone – stolen outright … just like that – our life was forever removed – those cowards don’t know me but one day they will see – I damn sure will have something to prove …

After that monumental criminal attack – I didn’t allow anyone passage into my heart – not my soul – haters – fakers – thru and thru … users – because of them – I was beginning to grow cold …

.. Remembering precious memories before … of his many first days at school ~ the best outfits we could afford, the happiest of smiles and silly giggles and the joy I felt for him …

I never dreamed of what would soon come our way … years away … It would never

again be okay …

… in fact … suddenly …

… Smiles turned upside down, whirling and spiraling into the summer night breeze …

… transforming into fear, future time would realize that quick separation is near … stunned in the sense that life was unfair –

… crushed under the blanket of confusion mixed with frightened tears …

There was to be no relief in sight … no solace … after our smiles were reversed … I prayed to HIM “please lift this curse …”

” … If only I had known …”

What in the hell – if I would have known then – wtf would I do?

… Remembering memories before … of the beginning teenage years – the person he was yet to be – yet the baby that was right here – staring with his trusting eyes – looking straight at me ...

… Remembering …

… It hurts …

… it’s killing me that I am the cause – of our dream shutting down … I hurt him with my addiction and then … this had to happen to us and just take more away – my boy did nothing that deserved his life to be extinguished that day …
it’s painful to look back – yet … those memories … from years before … were all that I had about our life – that I still adored

I miss the life that was ruthlessly … viciously taken from us and it’s safe to say – I feel like my son probably feels the same way …

I’m not sure if I will ever be free – of the cloud holding – guilt, regret and pain – it comes around less often than it did at the start … I never wanted pity – I totally feel – deserving of those freaks – riding that cloud – ever since my son and I had … no choice but to part …

Suffocating … I cannot breathe as my heart constricts from intense gouging pains – while I recall …

cherished recollections …

… from priceless moments before …

chains from unmemorized tunes … playing furiously in the silent night mist …

Complete brokenness

Regret …

Guilt …

Tears …

Self hate …

… I was beginning to feel the pain leave quite slow … from times featuring minor dull aching thuds – crashing through my defenses – holding back several tons of undiscovered tears …

Frightened … foreboding heaviness – black hearts that clinch my soul …

… penetrating … sliding gracefully … closer … until it settles into the core of your essence … Crippling emotional pain …

… awakens …

… my sOuL …

“God” she cried, as her tear stained face looked up – toward the late night eerie sky …

Please don’t let my little boy lose his love for me …”

She knew he would be moving out soon, there was no other choice – her stomach churned violently – thoughts swarming her brain … Of far away wishes, prayers and dreams … haters would soon claim their win …

~ avoidance – was futile ~

… God saw it best to take my sweet boy away … from my care … soon after that …

It was for his best – I was aware – grateful I was – for the angel family that came from God … I knew that I wanted my boy to stay – “no option dammit” I cried inside – it was for his best – he would be safe, I knew … in their care …

that didn’t stop me from dying inside and feeling …

slicing pain – carefully imploding … behind the space reserved … wait … “he can’t be alone – I can’t either, I need him to much” was her silent, screaming – loud heart’s cry ❤️

ringing – echoing in her head like a trumpet blast …

“Ohhh please Lord … go with him … please keep him free … from heart pain – give it all to melet him be free to be all he can be …”

Gripped in the throes of unnatural fate … Never before had she felt this disgrace …

She almost broke down and felt torn apart but how much more pain – her boy must have felt and was surely in fear … surely he was wanting his mom … he had to be scared … thinking with that fear – simply because she was no longer here …

How could she hold up … after she’d allowed his world to be … ripped … ferociously into shreds – she would somehow make it right …praying hard … with all of her might – praying and pleading … hoping God would agree …

She never again turned to drugs – not after her heart was ripped savagely away, don’t you see … of course rumors flew through town – I was doing everything … cowards cried – from drugs to only God knows what else … to myself I would say – after hearing those lies – I could not fall again – I wouldn’t have him hurting because I’d let him down …

“… not after this – I would from now on refrain …”

UNBEARABLE WAS THIS PAIN – FILLING HER WITH DREAD …

She silently promised her son … that she loved him beyond infinity plus one …

I would do anything to make it right …”

“I never should’ve invited the devil in our home of dreams – I was played well … I never recognized the evil scheme …”

Fear and regret were partners in crime

… attacking me …

… haunting my mind … bringing confusion – confusion brought guilt – guilt filled me with pain … apparently the poison from that beat me down more – yet again …

As she dissolved into tears … Feeling herself break inside, she would never be the same … But in her heart she claimed, that her boy wouldn’t go through this hell “not in vain” … “How would I manage” … she didn’t have a clue … she was shutting down … inside paralyzed … such raw emotions had demolished her sOuL …

“I cannot stand this God … please let this all be a bad dream”

– Signs of the trauma showed all over her face – could be felt by her body actually – she needed some encouragement to help plead her case …

My precious sweet son – I make you this promise that I will hold you inside – so very tight until the time arrives – when you and I reunite and choose together where to live and what school would you like – find a girlfriend and have her over a few times a week – maybe start a real family game night … Until then, my son, please don‘t depart – stay with me … inside – because …

“You are forever… enclosed in my heart”💖

he is close by … in my heart …

my heart slowly cracked – just enough and the broken pieces were not thrown away … but … they hardened inside – there was only one thing that I knew would work – and that meant get down on my knees and pray …

… instead – those enhanced pieces of hardened heart – of far away taunts – unspeakable whispers – telling tales …

… creative yet silent muses – restless anxiety sprang forth in a soft misty spray – while … ignoring the dark places – we had just barely survived – the hell I let inside … swirling thoughts in a whirlwind cloud …

... patiently, I wait – “go away crazy jumbled thoughts” … I’m shaky … while being carried away – by ping pong ideas – animated – not making sense –

I had to gather myself and respectfully utter thanks … I didn’t know then … that our reunion would never take place …

… noone has a clue – the extent of our pain – that was felt intensely – that very dark day … massive guilt covered me – sticking around – weighing close to one thousand pounds …

Missing his face … hurting so bad because I knew – he was better off without me in his life … hateful dark thoughts – unnerved me – taunting me with words that said – I didn’t deserve a place in his life … I didn’t deserve to even be alive …

though I believed – those black thoughts were right – I pushed through daily – ignoring the shame – still nothing came through – no job – nothing at all … but … I couldn’t give up nor would I give in – it was hard as hell – I felt very small …

… during those next few – quite challenging yet detestable years …I never could seem to get up – in this world I feared …

REGRET still haunts me – I miss my precious baby – I love him sooo …

tears … guilt … pain … fear …

filled up my time during the next few years …

Memories … Remembering …

The hate she’d gone through for those haters she’d see … would prove that she had no choice, but to be tough and proceed …

… Remembering memories before … they would sneak passed my eyes slide down over my cheeks, only to be wiped away …

never to be forgotten …

… Regret is a pain that NEVER goes away. I live with it every day …

I own all my wrongs – I just would like this chance – for his permission, you see – for my boy to get to know me … again …

… the real me …

… The woman I am now is who he should have had – as a mom – I have such a desire and hard drive to show him

… how I can inspire and still be …

… who I should have been all along …

“… Do I dare hope?”

… Now, my baby is all grown up handling a busy life of his own …

… my love has NEVER changed from that very first memory day … that started from home … I hope my son knows this – I’ve loved him fiercely ever since he’s been gone …

… Although my feelings may not have been shown …

… in order to completely stake my claim, considering I’m grown …

…. OMG screw haters that say I’d been spouting off lies … sleeping around … smoking dope – I am so sick of being accused – of things I don’t do – just because I was an addict – I’m not allowed to be believed – just judged – juryed – and convicted … “Don’t y’all see, how unfair that can be” … “They wouldn’t see the truth – if it was right in front of their eyes” … “All I want is to be away from haters, cutthroats and folks that are mean – I want to be free …”

… Damn these thoughts …

Demons of emotional disorders, addiction and violence plagued me … through the years … he needed me most …

… That’s why I took all the violent abuse – that showed up in my life … from different people and in distinct harmful ways … I just tried to survive …

SELF DESTRUCTION

Everyone, including myself, thought I’d gotten what I deserved … Still, I catch guilt … It tries to pull me vehemently – away from his heart …

Ohhh God I MISS HIM SO BAD

REMEMBERING

… I just wasn’t the mother I wanted to be or the mom he certainly deserved – but … I silently craved myself to be …

The love in my heart for him, during challenges of past – would hold onto him – through all the stars that the sky did surpass …

“Most have said that I didn’t care because of the road I mistakingly chose to travel … and that’s why our tragedy took place … smfh … It was because I helped the wrong one but I thought I was doing it right …

“But, they didn’t know me nor did they care to see the real me inside – saying hateful things … they were judgemental and assuming – when … all I did was care – so damn much inside …

Where no one could see …

“My sweet baby boy, I will hold you forever … on the inside of me” ❤

“CONGRATULATIONS SON”

💑 This is my amazing son – my heart baby boy, you have all it takes – to be a success at anything you set out to accomplish, there is no doubt. Always believe in yourself – no matter what anyone else may say. You are blessed dear son and you are so smart, funny, sweet, sensitive, determined, loyal, respectful and all around a very cool guy! The definition of “character” is this: the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual. “The concept of character can imply a variety of attributes including the existence of virtues such as empathy, courage, fortitude, honesty, and loyalty, or of good behaviors or habits.”
That definition describes you baby boy! That makes me so proud! Most people, of any age, are sorely lacking these coveted character traits. I’m so proud of you Kennodie, you are and will always be my hero!!! I’m honored to be your mom and although it took a village to raise you – LoL 😀 you went above and beyond any expectations that any of us could have ever imagined for you! I know your Daddy is bragging to everyone in heaven about his awesome son! You have your entire life in front of you and I have no doubt that God will continue to bless you beyond your wildest dreams! 💑 Know that your Moms heart is overflowing with so much love that is just for you. I will ALWAYS be here for you, I’m a phone call away and maybe you can call me more often 😍

Sweetheart ❤️💚💜💙💛

I love you to the Moon and back through to infinity plus one!!!

😊 Please LIKE my FB page dedicated to my babies – MISSING MY BABIES

I have 3 kids and 4 grands 💜 my son is the baby of the family!

💙 Thank you for reading, commenting and following 💚

What makes someone tick who has an ugly and hateful heart? ðŸ’“

Most people love me or they hate me. I could care less, but I wasn’t always so nonchalant.  I don’t really like most people, in general, because the majority are not real and use people to get what they want. They put good people down and lie about them to take the focus off themselves and what no good they are up to. I speak, of course, from my own experiences.

People that stoop to those levels do not care who gets hurt in the process as long they get they want and they could care less.

What makes someone that is that ugly and hateful inside tick?

I believe the evil that lies inside those type of people feed off the good hearted human beings like I described.

I also don’t want to hear that they were abused as a child or that they were hurt by the opposite sex and that is what makes them have an ugly heart. I was abused as a child and I am also a SURVIVOR of domestic violence.  I’m not that way. I’ve know people that had similar things happen and they didn’t turn out like that! Being abused is no excuse for bad behavior.

There is something evil inside of them anyway for them to hurt others and  then say they hurt people because they were abused. That’s crap, because they would have been hateful and hurt those people if they’d never been abused, why?  Because it’s in their very character. You either have that inside you or you don’t.

The excuse of abuse just takes the responsibility off their shoulders. They are cowards who blame others their shortcomings. That’s what gets my blood boiling!

What also gets me angry is that those evil no goods act like they have a God given right to treat people any way they choose. Wtf is that? That is laughable but it’s true and it how dare they!

THEY DON’T HAVE THAT RIGHT!

It’s not okay!

It’s up to us (the people they may target) …

… TO NOT ALLOW anyone to treat us with disrespect. 

I have zero tolerance for those type of people. What is the purpose of their existence? Nasty people like that, the ones they show no compassion for others or  don’t seem to care about others is truly a disgusting as well as PITIFUL site.

MOST GET MAD WHEN YOU CALL THEM PITIFUL OR INSIGNIFICANT. 

It is almost humorous, if it wasn’t so damn sad.

No matter how someone looks on the outside, that black heart is enough to make them unattractive and ugly, indeed.

I once thought that everyone thought with the same heart that I did. 

Boy, WAS I WRONG!

Not everyone has the same heart I do and that was an extremely hard lesson for me to learn. I thought just because I wouldn’t never screw someone over to hurt them like that but I thought everyone else thought the same way but they don’t!

Judgmental people have ugly hearts, as do abusers, control freaks, unhappy people and the list could go on.

Narcissistic tendencies and behavior, arrogant attitudes and no compassion for others are KEY attributes to one with an ugly heart. As far as I’m concerned, anyone that has a heart that is that unattractive, is evil. 

Some more than others, but anyone that will hurt someone else ON PURPOSE is evil any which way you look at it!

It blows my mind that most people these days, seem to have nasty hearts and they hurt others on purpose. I just don’t “get” that mindset.  They seem to get by with it and I just don’t “get” that, either.

In summary, I just don’t understand anyone that enjoys making others hurt and suffer ~ DO YOU?

I eventually learned how to decipher fake from real.

Time will tell because a person cannot fake being something they aren’t, not for long anyway.  They are going to slip up, no doubt about it. Women are more likely to slip up than men, in my opinion. Women are led by emotions, men are not.

PAY ATTENTION … To what your gut tells you inside.

One thing you can bet money on is that they can’t fake it for to long, until their true character appears. Just be patient.

It’s just a matter of WHEN? 

I’ve observed that true personalities SHINE THROUGH within three months and take no longer than six months, generally speaking. 

However, I’ve known some  that have taken up to a year before their trueness showed through. Those are the exceptions to the rule.

Those are the ones that you don’t expect and because of that, you end up getting hurt worse.

… Real people recognize other real people and they also recognize who’s NOT real.

It’s a shame, but use caution when meeting someone for the first time. Whether it’s a potential friend or lover, don’t let them fully “in” until at least 3 months have passed. You think your being mean because of that ~ no, you are protecting yourself.

Being able to discern through to people’s true nature is a gift as well as an acquired and learned ability. 

It’s actually learned through hard core life situations.  It is not something you just automatically know nor is it for the weak minded individual. 

Only the strong will survive ✋

Have you ever wondered what goes through someone’s mind when they intentionally use and hurt people?

How do they justify it within themselves to make someone’s life miserable – ON PURPOSE – even if just for a moment?

I’m sure it’s because they are miserable within themselves and their own life, which makes them yearn to bring others down around them. They cannot stand to see others around them happy.

Like the cowards they are, with the games they play✌️ they could really push a weaker minded individual over the edge! Big bully’s is are all they are and it’s NOT attractive.

I had to really push through things life threw at me and I did it without making others cry. I never hurt someone on purpose, even when they hurt me.  It’s just not me. I have a heart.

Are ugly hearts really that delusional and arrogant to think it’s truly okay to bring others to their knees?

They are disgusting individuals, the cockroaches of society is the perfect description.

Weaklings, because they hide behind and hurt real people with big hearts in order to blend in and to make themselves feel like they are somebody. 

They really are transparent when you become gifted in discerning their true nature.

Transparency at it finest ~

They feast on …

people that are going through hard times, weighed down by the weight of their circumstances.

The weak scaredey cats feed on those unfortunate ones and then dive in for the kill. I hate someone being a bully.

That truly pisses me off. I’ve been the victim in something similar before, a few times in my life and it makes my blood boil to see someone being manipulated in that fashion. I am now A SURVIVOR!

Cowards have radar for weakness and they use it to zone in on those that have some weakness BUT it’s not your fault if you fall for their lies ~ the first time! It takes getting burned a few times before you get good at spoting those types when you first met them. 

How are you supposed to automatically know, unless your told or shown? I had to learn the hard way, no one gave me a heads up 😞

Hold you head up ~ just proceed with caution. 

That’s why I get so upset.  Those big fat babies won’t pick on an individual that stands up to them. 

Once I began to stand up to these types, their bark is noticably worse than their bite.

I eventually learned how to take those losers down. I will stand up to them now with no problem. 

I’m no longer afraid of those with hateful and ugly hearts that hurt on purpose.

My question remains though ~ why do people walk around on eggshells around those type of folks?

They need to be held accountable for their hideous actions, in my opinion and I will call them out on their shit. They hate that and use righteous indignation when you do but I see right through that …


… FINALLY …

Experience leads you to knowledge which gives you the courage and righteous anger with meekness to stand up to them.

Anger is needed to give you the boost to say something to them.  Use your righteous anger and meekness does not mean weak like most think.  Meekness means …

… STRENGTH UNDER CONTROL …

You will also learn to listen and recognize your gut feeling on any individual or  situation.

REMEMBER THIS:  Your gut feeling will NEVER lie to you.

I have never understood the mentality of Stupidity that enjoys causing emotional pain on purpose. What kind of sick freak does that?

There is just no valid reason for anyone to be hateful and mean toward someone else hurting them simply because they feel the need to in order to feel better about themselves. 

Kindness costs nothing and it’s positive, and causes less wrinkles and it’s contagious!

Kindness given to someone makes them happy and in turn it makes that person want to show kindness to someone else!

Be kind to someone today!

💙 Thank you for reading, commenting, and following 💚

remembering alone

In my world, I sit and I remember … long ago days – days that don’t even seem real to me now.

Was that me? I can’t picture me in that situation – Yes, that’s me. How did I ever live through that?

It feels like someone else lived that life, but no, it was me … I remember.

I’ve grown inside and past days no longer bring hurt, but they have brought self awareness, while showing me how much I’ve grown on the inside …

… as I remember …

… Forever … That’s what it felt like ~ like it took me forever, to grow inside and be at peace within my soul.

Older now, there’s so damn much I lost way back then – but after a while – it would take years – I gained myself in return, once I made the first step to search for myself and maybe one day soon, that will all balance out …

… future hope …

Sighing deeply, I know that everything happens for a reason. We may or may not know what that reason is but mark my words

… and trust this fact …

…there is a reason for everything we go through.

( … we go through challenges in life, not for ourselves but to help other people that may be in a situation we were once in …)

Remembering … I lost almost everything I had back then … Hopelessly younger and yet producing invalid resolutions –

Sadness always trying to overwhelm my soul, because you see … I’m now finally becoming me. The me I was always supposed to be! My babies don’t know me and know them I do not

– not yet –

We could start fresh – it’s possible and yes – I want them to know the me I just found – the me I am now – this really cool me, that should have always been around – for both of my kids …

I’m finally me ~ that means I’m free – free deep inside of me and that pain has a key – and that key would be – the key that would keep me quite safe from reprieve.

Looking back, I was just grateful then – for getting out with my sanity and my life. I seriously can’t see clearly who that person is – who lived with my name back then that loved her children so small in each of their tales however, different then!

Why does it have to be me that does without her heart? That’s what they are – my heart – People saw me wrong, they always did, so what did I ever do so bad that this LOSS would be my punishment? Living with the thought of losing them for real – was the closest thing to hell on earth that I ever did feel … and with folks whispering hatefully in secret, thinking I would not hear, as they died how sorry I was. Rumors exploded telling the tale – that I never loved those kids and became the favorite mantra and jeer! That was NOT THE CASE, no matter the scenario or what took place … I loved my children more than anything in this world – I screamed to them all, as I pleaded my case.

My actions proved to be the catalyst for haters to grasp, clutching the reins, stating to all that I was a complete disgrace.

smdh …

how I made it through doesn’t matter at all but more importantly was this – how did those two, especially my son, get through the pain of me being gone … and did he feel that I no longer cared? The knowledge inside that he may – crushes my spirit that is life, because my love for him … Knows no bounds …

That is what keeps me awake late at night – i would wonder with tears that are stuck in my throat – the pain his little heart carried around, with fear close by – why was his mom not here by his side?

I remember regretfully that those needed lessons I learned – had taken years to sink through to where my integrity lived – for them to be embedded and placed deep in my soul.

It took longer still, for me to believe and also trust that those lessons learned … Maybe could somehow fix – any mistakes that had come, mostly being born from my biggest conflicts.

the wait was quite long for me to accept, forgive then love, the me that belonged – that me belonged here instead of this me … through the maze that I did see ~ searching my way – as though I was blind, yet I prayed so hard so that it could just blow his little mind ..

… Still longer it took … For me to learn how to finally love the true me I had found – IDK how I lived, through the pain of losing my heart and the fear settling in … Once – not to long ago – I embraced the pain that was raw from thoughts of my kids – mainly my son – I begged God that he would not lose the love or the trust … He had just for me …

… tears slowly remembering the path of the pain – with vivid recollection of those long ago days – I would have sold my soul to evil if it would have brought him to live with me, but in that pit, inside of me, that was to deep it seems – may get the better of me. I felt in my heart with my gut saying how true – thinking to myself, how little I knew wondering maybe inside how I was feeling would be – pretty hard to face – yet still my tears fell, streaking it all but with precision and grace.

My baby … I needed to state would probably be better off without me. I knew he was way better off – without me. I’d forever been told what a bad parent I’d be, in the months and years before that – it was drilled in my head – I was no good and was trash. I was also informed I would never, not ever, amount to much …

Nobody knows my soul or my heart including my measure of pain – How much I cried for my son in the earliest days … I sensed within – I needed to pick myself up and never fall –
not ever again.

It may take me years, I eerily thought
Facing the fact, that I must go on – a self awareness search for me – the me I was supposed to have been then, indeed! Locating the space inside me – where forgiveness was just a central trait, yes I did see – where acceptance would rule saving me in part – Falling in love with the me – I would be for my two precious hearts. I could start my self journey right away –
I had to take these steps yet I wasn’t quite sure – but wherever it may lead – ever how long it may take – doesn’t matter unless my baby boy can see …
and what I for him, my very own son, doesn’t show most times – as we know because it’s hiding behind a great wall we both know. My wall keeps pain born out of guilt, overseeing and keeping it from sticking like filth …

“as my sOuL cries …”

while inside – I’m moving forward, so that there will not be one doubt – in my son’s fragile mind and also his heart – as life seems to know nothing – but rushing about. My journey unfolds – I’m in awe you see – the life flavors he catches with clarity – he can actually see …

… Me. The me I now show and in showing control and having never let go – this me is way more cherished, more than diamonds or gold! I was like a sponge, soaking in a hot steamy tub and … then I was seeing all I could see –

I had finally gained more than self control over sadness, depression and HIV – ADHD coming from the rear, diabetes 2 stands away from the others so near, also my eyes and I have been told – are legally blind – yet COPD laughs saying … Don’t forget mine! Those do not define anything that I am … As long as I can love, truly love me – there’s nothing else I care about except self love for myself …

UNCONDITIONALLY

Me loving me was the hardest thing – hardest thing I would ever do – I recalled that pain flowing heavily from my eyes … In loving the me that was causing this strife – I ached for those babies in that awful past space – to please forgive the me who just didn’t know … A person born with a dazed and crazy brain also having a mom that certainly kept me in pain. It was never about me, and the only way I could push through and survive – no matter what my baby was told … all I ever did – was cry inside – begging God for those kids to refrain, from turning ice cold …

Time … it’s a precious gift I know now … we can never replace it once it passes … it never comes back –

Always remember that and think twice – pray hard and remember to Whom you belong!

I’m at peace inside of the real me today, although I think back to those days filled with fear – I’m not that me, not anymore … but hints of misery and from being afraid – taught me bright brutal truths that I would never – again ignore

No – I would never ignore … No – not anymore …

I had to maintain control of my emotions no doubt, guilt was heavy with feelings and wanting to shout – I was grieving the loss of my son while he’s still around. No wonder I felt like I deserved abuse, that I would receive in future rounds . Once, just recently I’ve seen – how it feels to finally be free, from guilt and crushing pain slamming down on top of me. I struggle daily because of the fact that I need for my hero, my son is for him to see – and that is my heart, through all of the steps that I managed to take … moving toward loving myself – in spite of the hurt I held like a pro – the sweetest little boy who grew up in front of my eyes: from my small son who I hold treasured memories for … to the 19 year old

that has made me so proud

I once begged God to please let me live, just long enough for my kids to see – being open inside for my wishes indeed – knowing how my son is just like me – no matter what he may tell himself to believe. My actions have shown now recently – I want the real me to make him perceive and discern that I am finally the me I should be.

Please let him draw close and feel comfortable and see without putting pressure on any part of the scene … I want him to see in the past and just this once let my love be a giant force while earning his trust.

I realized I was grieving my son though he were still alive and the guilt that I housed would infect me instead. He would need to know, much later on, when he was grown wondering what he’d done wrong for me to be gone. He may wonder – Did she miss me and did she cry for me as I did for her?

God allow him to know – while no doubts would be shown – I’d done everything that was expected of me. I knew little that I was supposed do and that entire time he was separated from me … Through mistakes and past wrongs showing to all – my actions were saying one thing and I hid away the other, pressing through, despite being hated on times ten … God, please let my baby boy love me again.

I missed him greatly, with a pain he’d never know – could she keep herself from showing her indifference? She glowed …

with the thought that Kenno, in the days that will come – would be shown her heart – that missed him – her prayer was actively answered indeed – he was going to be blessed to unveil the big plea, that he’s facing his freedom that was overshadowing me!

Yes, every night for years long past, I would cry heavy tears with gut wrenching pain – slicing through to the midst speaking prayers for God to take my son’s hurt for it to never remain.
I cried when I would think of you – innocent and sweet – how blatantly uncool for his mom to forsake.

I’m writing this so my heart and actions be shown – to my baby boy who is super smart – while deep down he discerned his mom’s moves way back at the start – and knew instantly the love she held tightly for him – never left her feelings as long as baby boy was at peace, since he finally knew, all those years ago, mom was more frightened than me? She loved me no matter what her past actions would show? And it would appear that she was not cold blooded I knowI FINALLY see and discern just for me, that she truly – to the Moon and back – really loved me!

Memories come alive …

~ animated in my head ~

tears are streaking silently down my face … I’m focusing on impressions from long ago grace … and as I sit quietly – in my own little world, I remember this and a whole lot more …

I do know this – I know this for sure, since my son finally admitted to loving me more!

I remember …

that I hate … remembering …

… remembering alone …

;-(

… thankfully when this all took place – the deep thinking – awareness thoughts – were within God’s grace!

❤️I’m referring to my son (or when I briefly mention my kids) when I talk about “my heart …”

💙 Read “my SouL cries” (part one is the link) … a three part series to completely understand ME and what’s up!

💜 Like my fb page that I created because I miss my babies!

❤️ Thank you for reading, commenting, and following 💚

WTF

What makes some people disrespect OTHER people, for no substantial reason? Have you ever wondered that?

Well I certainly have, especially now because I’m experiencing an outright disrespectful person in my own life. He’s almost to the point of graduating from verbal to physical abuse, in my opinion.

This specific person in my life is completely disrespectful to me, constantly. This person blatantly disrespects me, as if he owns me.

He is close to me in proximity so I won’t disclose his name. This man has yelled at me, gotten right up close and personal and in my face more than once, and I don’t know the reason behind that hatred toward me.

I was told it was because of the fact that I have dated outside of my race (remember, I’m in the Bible belt), and he didn’t like that. It is none of his business who I date, period. I could day the same thing about him, that I didn’t respect him for being in prison for murder for most of his adult life. I’m not one to hold anyone’s past in their face, but don’t think I won’t say something if the opening is there.

Racism is dominant in most of areas here in East Texas, some more than others.

That can’t; however, be the entire truth about his reason because I know a friend of theirs and she has also dated black men before. He doesn’t treat her that way, he’s usually in a good mood around her.

No, he verbally attacks his adult daughter and me. Why, I have no clue, but he regularly pounces on us for no reason. There is NEVER a good reason to verbally abuse and attack someone. You can get your point across much better in a calm discussion.

People that are that hateful are pitiful in my eyes, especially when they do absolutely nothing to change themselves. It shows what a coward they are and how weak they are as well.

I do my best to ignore him, but it’s difficult when he’s in my face screaming as loud as he can. There is no sense in all that stupidity, yet he clings to it like it’s his life preserver.

Last night he did it again. It’s like he senses some weakness inside of me and he pounces and attacks verbally.

He’s actually pulled a chair out from under me and while I was in the process of trying to get up and away from him, he pulled it and my back was twisted pretty bad. I have a blog post written about that very incident.

So yes, I’m more than a little pissed off that people on that level actually think they can disrespect me and I’m just going to allow it. Has he lost his mind?

Your probably wondering why I haven’t gone off on him yet? His wife is a dear and precious gift to me and I wouldn’t disrespect her for the world. In my opinion, if I were to lower myself to ball him out, it would disrespect her. I’m old school and I don’t deal with people on that level. I’m not one to do that. If I don’t have anything else, I have my good and loyal character and I intend on keeping it.

Character shows what you do when no one is looking. Would you do the right thing? For example: if you wanted to cheat on your partner with someone, would you do it if no one found out about it? That shows a bad character.

Those are the type of people that you cannot trust. There is no way I would cheat on my man even if no one found out about it because I would know about it. Plus, I respect him and our relationship a lot more than that. I’m better than that. I also don’t want bad karma in my life. What you put out comes right back to you, and I only want to put good stuff out there. I’m above this petty man.

This man however, I feel is potentially dangerous and it’s only a matter of time before he loses control altogether and hurts someone. I don’t want that someone to be me. People like that don’t stop, they just get worse.

I’m worried for his daughter and his wife because his wife will protect their daughter before she let’s their daughter get hurt. I’m afraid if that happens, she will get hurt in the process.

Like I said, it’s only a matter of time. He’s a ticking time bomb at present. I’ve told her that but she won’t listen because he’s getting counseling. In her mind, he’s trying but outwardly he is just the same. Bless her heart, she’s in denial and I can’t get through to her.

People like him ALWAYS get caught because they are deceitful, liars, con artists and furthermore they do not care about anyone, not even themselves. If a person loved themself, they couldn’t be screaming at another person in anger. There’s no way, so it obvious he hates himself. I know the sights because I hated myself for the longest. Even do, I never treated anyone in this horrible way.

I know this, I’m a SURVIVOR of domestic violence. My ex and I used to physically fight and I lost everytime. A woman is just not made to win a fight with a man, unless she has a weapon. I’m not willing to go to jail for the rest of my golden years for hurting this man, so I show on the outside that he’s not bothering me. I keep a straight face but I’m boiling inside at this vermin.

However, that’s getting old as well, so pray for me, because I’m planning on having a heart to heart talk with his wife within the next couple days.

I said all of that to say this. I hope this shows y’all how it makes someone feel if they are being disrespected. So, if you are reading this and are verbally abusing someone, STOP. STOP killing them with screams and making them feel as if they don’t matter and don’t exist. Also, STOP yelling at people for no f’ing reason furthermore, there is NO good reason to yell at your partners friend, UNLESS your disrespected first. I have never done anything but show this man respect, as God is my witness, I mean that from my heart.

If your experiencing this type of treatment (from your partner, neighbor, friend, etc…) like I’ve described, then please reach out to someone because it is considered DV abuse.

So, in order to STOP feeling like a piece of crap and to STOP feeling like I don’t exist – I write. I also inwardly concentrate as hard as I can, while telling myself that I DO matter!

It took me a very long time to feel that way and I’m not going to let anyone abuse me again. I mean that!

I tell myself that through my tears when I’m upset at this horrible person, because he’s not a man. A REAL man would not act in such a way.

I give myself pep talks all the time, just to keep myself from falling in that hideous trap of lying thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it works and the black hole doesn’t devour me, other times I just have to ride it out.

This last post I wrote will give you insight to that black hole. I suffer from unmedicated adult ADHD and the stress associated from this person is magnified by five hundred in my head, when he’s throwing his anger around. Especially so, when my dark ADHD thoughts come pouring in like a flood.

There’s going to come a time where I am fed up and I go off on him.

Would y’all blame me? I’d really like your thoughts on this!

There’s got to be a way that I can get through to him to stop f’ing doing this to me. I mean who the hell does he think he is to feel that he has a special priveledge of attacking me verbally any time he f’ing wants to?

WTF DO I DO?

Does anyone out there understand where I’m coming from?

Comments welcomed!

❤️ Similar blog post here!

💙LIKE my fb page that focuses on DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. ❤️We offer encouragement, local resource information for their area, emotional support, and we help them get in touch with the DV HOTLINE to talk confidentiality to find a safe plan for them to leave (if it’s a partner, if it’s a neighbor like I’ve described, there may be other action you can take)

💚DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE NUMBER ~ 1-800-799-7233

1-800-799-SAFE

💙Contact the DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE WEBSITE for any information you desire to know.

💙 Thank you for reading, commenting and following 💚

🌼you may feel broken, but you don’t need fixing!!!

I believe that my main problem, for all these years, has been thinking that I had to “fix myself” in order to live my life at peace within. That is an untrue statement.

Society as a whole feels that if we are going through something, we must need to be fixed. I don’t think I need to be fixed. Sure, I have had life’s issues that blew up in my face, causing me to make bad decisions or go down the wrong road, but I don’t feel that means that I need “to be fixed“!

So, I’ve been actively researching this subject all week and this is what I have learned. Society sees you as “broken” for example, if you are an addict or if you suffer from any one of several mental disorders, such as: ADHD, schizophrenia, pstd, bipolar, and depression or if you are a victim of domestic violence or suchlike. This is an ongoing list of situations that some suffer from and because of this society feels that an individual must be “broken” or just needing to “be fixed” because they allowed themselves to get caught up in those life issues. It’s ridiculous!

It’s easy to think of certain feelings or thoughts as bad for us and we naturally want to make them stop. We avoid them, we distract ourselves, and then we ultimately try to fix these “broken” parts of our lives.

These parts of us are NOT broken. In fact, I believe that not one of us is “broken“.

The problem is the thinking that we are “broken“. The issue is not the anxiety. It’s the intense struggle within that the anxiety creates that’s the problem. It’s our own desire to be free from this overwhelming emotion that causes us to feel trapped. All we want to do is just find some relief, and to make it STOP. This is not the way to make it go away, you are only causing yourself more problems than you need.

The key is to stop trying to fix it, stop trying to change it, stop allowing it to be an overwhelming problem. Instead, just try to be willing and sit with the feeling and accept it. By doing this, it will, in time, erase the anxiety.

How do I do this you may ask? It takes 30 days to make a habit, and it also takes 30 days to break a habit. Your mind automatically allows anxiety take over out of habit. When your on purpose managing it as I describe below, you will be on the road to breaking that habit. After 30 days of practicing this technique, every single time the anxiety crops up, it will be more automatic for you to push through it easier in your mind.

It is really simple, yet it is not an easy thing to do. This takes an amazing amount of mind power and control to accomplish. However, it CAN be done!

It totally depends on how much you want to change this wrong thought process that leads to the anxiety overtaking your life.

I know this because I, myself, have gone through this process. Nobody told me this, I learned it entirely on my own. This is not for the weak of heart.

You have to accept this overwhelming anxiety for what it is. Worrying, trying to fix problems that cause your anxiety, or ignoring it WILL NOT help or alleviate it. Only attacking and facing it head on with acceptance will calm your mind, so that you are able to focus on solutions to the problems that caused you to allow the ANXIETY to control in the first place.

You have to ON PURPOSE put those devastating emotions to the side in your mind. You tell yourself that these emotions are not helping you and are only making those emotions climax in your mind. This must be done every single time it happens, otherwise it won’t stick.

Put your mind where it needs to be, not where it wants to go.

Anxiety can paralyze your entire body and mind so they cannot function. I have been bombarded with anxiety my entire life because I live with ADHD unmedicated. Whatever disorder you have, it will not stop you from achieving this, simply because you suffer from it. You can push past your disorder. This process works and you CAN do this!

So instead of spending hundreds on therapy for this issue, decide to conquer this demon head on, and in time the anxiety will diminish, allowing you to go forth, more confident in your life and in the decisions you make.

As I’ve stressed to you, this is not for the weak minded or weak of heart, because the mind power it takes from the beginning, is an extremely difficult thing to do. You have to take every once of strength you can muster, just to do this because at first it will happen SEVERAL times a day. It will get tiring but it’s either spend your time in the solution or spending time being miserable and causing yourself unwanted bouts of anxiety. Your choice!

Bit by bit, facing this issue head on will slowly but surely stop your problem with anxiety. By conquering these unwanted emotions, you will experience an intense sense of freedom that you have ever known!

Like my fb page Stop hating what you don’t understand

for support from stigma related diseases and emotional and mental disorders.

Like my blog fb page RAW thoughts from Chelle and be the first to see my blog posts before they are published!

❤️ Thanxxx for reading ❤️