Perpetual madness of the mind

I feel lost …

Alone…terribly alone …

Fighting back is getting old …

I’m ready for someone to take my hand, telling me I’m not alone. Tears drop silently down onto the chilly, dark night ground.

I’m so cold inside my soul, shivering through to my bones. I try to concentrate in hopes this apprehension calms down inside. It’s not a physical cold, it’s from the inside out.

Shaky inside from my head to the tips of my toes, my feet, sludging along, as if in quicksand, my brain hurts, throbbing into the secret parts of my very soul.

Heinous taunts come from the thoughts that aren’t mine, making this world seem unfeeling, not giving me any consolation. Making me stay in this miserable place. No matter how I fight, I cannot leave.

I’m not fully depressed, that’s the whole thing. This crazy disorder I’ve dealt with forever is the culprit and stress only magnifies the intensity of the anxiety, depression and ADHD blackness.

After this feeling leaves, I simply brush it off and go on. It lasts so long; however, I’m always grateful when it’s gone.

Feeling wrung out from the energy it takes to go through what I’ve described above.

I’m just pleased it’s over, for now anyway, but knowing it will return again soon enough …

I cringe …

I can handle the hyper moments because I’m at my most creative during those exuberant times.

I won’t sleep for days at a time and I write, write, write my little heart out.

It’s almost like I’m on drugs, it’s euphoric almost! I almost don’t want meds for it because of these “high” times.

No, it’s these moments as I related above, that pitches me straight into the pit of hell. The hopeless, dark, cold and lonely world.

The stronghold is real and harrowing, nevertheless you will feel as if it will never end …

… infinity.

I can certainly see how some want to die to get out, yet my soul would never let me take myself away.

It will last as long as “it” decides and I’m stuck, riding those crashing waves. Holding on for dear life, as they beat me down, struggling to keep my thoughts mine.

Slowly it happens, and when it’s over, I go back to ordinary things but I know before long, I will be transported back to the blackness.

God does, thankfully, look out for me during these nosedives into hell, otherwise I know I would never be released.

©chellesRAWthoughts

❤️“ADHD depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the door”

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🎸 rOCk candy QUEEN

FOREWORD: This poem gives you a unique insight straight into a crack/cocaine addicts sOuL (your sOuL iS made up of your mind, your will, and your emotions) and the most intense death grip hold that this evil drug has on them. Also, what level of mental power that it takes you inside to be completely free from

crack/cocaine as well as showing you what it takes to become a SURVIVOR OF ADDICTION

🎸rOCk candy QUEEN

Years ago my thoughts go back to that horrific time where she was fun to hang out with … that evil cousin to the white ladyshe knew how to make you feel good and keep you intrigued …

… IN THE BEGINNING …

… yet … you kept going back for more and more … not realizing she was completely out of your league …

… she became more fierce with her touch as time moved on – she revealed no heart and no soul to no one … it was considered quite the phenomenon …

know this …

she can turn your heart away from your own self because she does not play, because she gains … as well as turning your loved ones away and she will not stop until your soul is in chains …

clutching you tight … knowing you can’t break free … you’re stuck outright … in bondage to the queen of rOCk CanDy – the evil cousin to the white lady indeed …

You will find her dancing with the demons of addiction, heartbreak and pain – they know you will eventually give in to their strong demands once again – while you falsely think that they accept you – yet really they do not –

… that’s just get you hooked so they are able to harass you relentlessly – down that vile path that you tried so hard to adopt … because by then – they are laughing at you – watching you – as you realize in horror –

THAT YOU’RE UNABLE TO STOP …

Like a robot and a puppet you move to her beat … like a good master – she pulls easy then real hard on your puppet strings – pushing your soul … while you chase that next hit – as she heartlessly brings – you way down – to hell’s fiery pit …

… Teasing you mercilessly – is one of her many sick treats … just as the hit that you raced for … finally connects inside your brain … causing you to feel such a major relief – you feel it straight down to your core – making you feel like you will never hurt again forever more …

… yet …

… you’re still wanting more and more and still yet more – until she senses your fear, forcing even the devil himself to scream … “go on you’re worthless – just get the hell outta here”

… then sadly, as you cower down – what does all of this prove – your wondering because you’re still –

… in the COCAINE mood …

… knowing full well …

… it’s not enough – it’s never enough anymore … your always miserable, sick, scared, depressed, strung out and dazed …

… and you just can’t stop …

… because when you think about that cloud of white smoke just passing you by … your body constricts in pain, your brain aches and … with a brutal force that’s dragging you down once again – your body and mind is strained …

… you sink way lower than you ever wanted to go – to stare straight at the queen of rOCk CanDy – whose waiting for you to pay what she thinks you owe …

… and rOCk CanDy will have no problem – numbing your emotions and your mind … so you aren’t clear enough to make any decisions at all … it’s no wonder that she’s more than just a tiny bit surprised …

… when you actually take a stand …

against her and once she senses your newfound strength – she then squeeze’s your sOuL so hard you can’t breathe …

… she’s holding you snug – in her cold yet intriguing hand …

“Do you think you can play with me” … she laughs at you instead …

she also whispers in your ear telling you what you want to hear … just to keep you disheveled and mislead …

… and once she has your emotions shredded and your mind feel quite lost … you are once again locked away deep inside – while your sOuL pays the cost …

… you tell yourself how stupid it was to let that white bit*h – so damn deep in your mind … you had no clue that was going to be your hardest damn uphill climb …

She will fight you like a man, ultimately kicking your ass – so it may seem – but you NEVER GIVE UP and you show this queen … you don’t back down from this white cu*t – the infamous and lethal …

… the eviL … the rOCk CanDy queen …

… If you keep fighting and DO NOT stop …

– she WILL have no choice but to weaken her grasp and then you can quickly run away and …

… then … gradually …

… one day she will stop chasing you and realize that your not worth her time, so she will find another weak sOuL – to commit her hellish crimes.

she will take them by the hand and lead them along that same horrific path … that leads straight to the nightmare place – right to the front door and straight into hell – introducing them to the evil cousin to the white lady – the queen of the rOCk CanDy jaiL …

… during this release … you may fall and stumble around – fall off cliffs and possibly drown – in the turbulent waters racing away – she’s known to come looking … so fall to your knees and pray …

… that relapse will miss the mark then she won’t be able to locate you in the dark …

… especially with her tempting you … make sure you do not betray but just in case you slip from the path of complete abstinence – just get back up … put yourself back on the road …

and stay …

… don’t get discouraged – pick yourself up and dust off those stains – that the queen of rOCk CanDy forcibly made … strive once more until you get it right … don’t ever allow taunts and hurtful words make you give up without a fight …

Relapse just means you won’t stop striving to quit … it’s tough and unfriendly … remember she isn’t going to give up on you … not one bit …

… so …

Don’t allow anyone to bring you down with rumors or snobby looks – they don’t have a clue … as to what heLL you have been through – with this evil cousin to the white lady … who is the rOCk CanDy queen … realize that if you aLLow hershe will keep hounding you as if y’all were still a team …

… ultimately

… she has a diabolical plan to KILL you …

… dark depression …

… hateful voices whisper in the wind … evil beings that harass you … they are not your damn friend – beware of your mental health taking a turn … she will scratch you and then bite you – seemingly diminishing you – before you can learn … that this rOCk CanDy queen is a bitCh that stands firm …

her job is to jumble your thoughts and make you see through a blurry haze – your vision and mind so distorted that any decision you make will for sure be crazed …

addiCtiOn is only a symptom that masks the underlying root cause … You need to gather all your strength and please take a much needed pause …

… and …

… you stop being so nice to her …

“STOP LISTENING TO THAT BIT*H … GET MAD and with all your strength … face your fear and stand up in her face … as you recall all the things she lied about throughout the past several years… taunting you with your fears while teLLing you that you’re a disgrace … remember you almost lost your life behind her evil lies … stop listening to her before you die” …

… let that rOCk CanDy bit*h hear you as you scream at her that “SHE’S JUST THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE” … you tell her off and curse her out – “JUST REMEMBER WHO THA FU*K YOU ARE” … and do yourself a favor by taking a brand new route …

… that leads away from the door – at the entrance of hell – in the opposite direction that will allow you to prevaiL –

previously – way before that white bitch stole our dream … I told myself I couldn’t smoke that rOCk … little did I know that years later her and I would become quite the team …

… no matter what – keep holding your head up high – keep moving forward – find that deep down determination – find out how you can love yourself more – more especially through – the many dark dreary days … that may certainly overcome you … because, trust me she will be keeping score …

… and guess what? …

… one day the harrowing relapses will halt – she soon will realize that she’s FINALLY locked in the past … don’t let her define you – remember too that people will talk, scorn and laugh …

… but just you hold fast to your dream and remember the pain when she took away all those many years putting on you ALL of the blame …

… “STOP … KEEP GOING” – you’re doing just fine … give yourself a smile because once and for all you take charge of the main design … finaLLy you managed to beat that damn queen – the cousin to the evil white lady who still is

… the rOCk CanDy queen …

Keep striving, sweating, straining while you also remember that rOCk CanDy jaiL …

It’s been a bittersweet journey after turning away from the front door of hell …

… If you are an addict – using ANY drug that’s taken over your life –

… REACH OUT because I want you to know this: I saw a level of addiction that most hard core addicts don’t see and they don’t know exist –

… you DO NOT want to be there because the only way out … IF YOU STAY IN DEFEAT … is going to be a horribly long life behind bars or worse – Death is waiting to take you to the front door that leads into hell so you can hang out with the the queen and the devil himself …

… you are NOT – trust me – your not ready for that … not when it means staying in the rOCk CanDy jaiL …

©chellesrawthoughts

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

⭐ if you or someone you care about is a crack cocaine addict – or hooked on ANY drug – this link to help for alcohol and drug addiction will help you find the help you need in your area.

🚥 read about crack/cocaine addicts – these are their stories .. get help!

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Agonizing fear 😵

(This post that I created in February 2019 explains the insecurities I had early in my relationship with my bfab because of toxic relationships in my past. It also shows how my ADHD brain was going into overdrive and it also takes a look at how FEAR can paralyze you, emotionally and sometimes physically.)

Agonizing fear

Terror lashes out at me … paralyzing my entire body … numbness overwhelmes the deep parts of my soul … painful doubts stab through my heart …

Shaking …

trembling …

” … oh no, am I going to be abandoned, thrown away or chunked into emotional duress? …”

“No!

I cannot allow this again …”



Why?” kept going through my thoughts … “he is different and has a purpose in my life … he wouldn’t leave me” … my thoughts seemed to be mine … but not …


Braving myself for a painfuL emotional jaunt … which  continuously … scattered the shredded pieces of my heart ... floating through memories of before when my heart was young …   and how lethal people … raped my sOuL … time after time …


choking …



barely am I able to breathe … I would never make it … if he left … my thoughts were my own … still … but not …

” … I need you” …  my mind screams … roaring … inside my aching head …

… please don’t leave me isolated and hopelessly afraid …

“… I really do need you … it’s so beyond you causing my heart to race …”

anxious tingles …

… Coming at me from all over – SUDDENLY – the agonizing fear grips and hurts way deep down

in my gut …

“Why do I feel that something is wrong?”

” … please … I truly need you” 💋

… my very gut cries out …   AGONIZING … from deep within the darkness … that’s inside of me … while it turns into light … if only for a moment …

Wow … I really mattered enough … MIRACLE … you have shown me that I am  importantI matter … never would I dared to dream … I would feel again … this way …

I FINALLY found one true angel in this horrible world …  See how much you have truly blessed my hurting soul ever since that first night when we met …

… This is a true grown up beyond normal love, not a feeling 😍 that I could have ever imagined … 

… Realization hits me …

My gut has always been right … why didn’t I trust that when my soul cries …  it was trying to alert me … I am ever so grateful …

“… Thank you I cried silently … You gave me back … Me …”

💜 May 27, 2019 … “This poem was written before I totally understood what true Loyalty meant. I’d never received it before so I thought this man would leave me the same way all the others left me.  I was to discover that this man was cut from a totally different cloth than the rest. He showed me I mattered. 
He gave me the best and most amazing gift in this world.  Meeeeeee 😇 Thank you to my guy … My bfab … My hero” 😍

Like my fb page that is dedicated to my bfab (best friend and beyond)

Other posts inspired by my bfab ~

Where does the love go

A real man

Just maybe
Tears falling down
The imprint of you on my heart

Why

To scared to pray
💜Thank you for reading, commenting, and following❤️

🌪️ Inside the tornado … thoughts lie ðŸŒªï¸

I feel it coming on … this crazy feeling in my brain that won’t go away fast enough … This is a different type of pain …

  

 

I feel myself starting to shake inside …  I then … sense the high winds of the tornado close by …

 

“I know it will carry me off yet again……”

 

“To what destination” I  wonder… “Where the thoughts are born? Then they lie?”

 

I know it’s because of the fog … The unclear clouds of confusion.

Mind over matter worked for me earlier in the day. I put myself in a good mood, I do this every day only for it to be jerked away from me, VICIOUSLY.

 

“I work so hard to stay okay …”

“… why, why, why …”

 

“Is this a dream?”   I wondered, as I ached inside.

 

 

“Will we survive this journey I’m on? We better. You know how I look up to you, hang onto your every word but I just don’t get your mood towards me.” (I said silently to my bfab)

 

“Am I interpreting it wrong or is it real”

my mind tries to scream through the clouds of confusion.

” … is it real …”


no … remember, thoughts lie …”

What happened to the sweet, encouraging, uplifting mood that I’m used to?

 

“Am I not worthy of being bothered with because I don’t matter?”

 

Oh my heart needs a clear view and there is none here … in the clouds rushing around me …

 

I feel that heavy on me like a blanket. I don’t matter  enough to bother, I decided because I was so frustrated!


“Instead of lifting me up, you crushed me, intentionally? maybe not.” I tell myself fervently, so I beg you inside my head …

 

“please don’t make me cry …”

 

Yet you did anyway …

 

The clouds are closing on on me …

 

That’s really on me because of those thoughts in the cloud and …… “I remember those thoughts do lie.”

 

… Nonetheless, that really hurt me inside my heart if I perceived it correctly.  I hoped I didn’t, knowing that certain thoughts will lie …

You are my unsung hero and I need you in my life. I need your encouraging words, your smile and your personality all around me …


“Am I not worth that

bother?” the screams tell me that “thoughts lie” … when the clouds are around, and not to forget … “It will be over soon …”

I’m locked in that confusing fog of clouds not knowing if I matter or not … I beg for a hint of peace to pierce into the fear inside … Gathering myself together the best I can …

” … I’m glad those thoughts lie……..I can’t lose what I found …”

I cherish the fact that you are my best friend and beyond with all of my heart, so please don’t hurt me … I can’t do this alone because I will fail alone (I secretly begged him) … Nobody gets my crazy brain but you, and I cannot see my life unless you are in it …

 

I need you with me and by my side in order to survive whatever this is, enveloping me. In my mind I beg …

 

” … please don’t disappear because of the fog …”

I would not hesitate if the tables were turned, to stand by your side and be supportive of you …

because that’s just what best friends are supposed to do …

 

“Why aren’t you …”

 

 

“… no answer …”

 

” … thoughts lie … he cares …”

“… remember the clouds will leave …

The one thing I need from you is your smile and you won’t give it …  Is the reason  because I want it so bad … Is that why you keep it from me … That is mean, don’t you see … But your not like that … through the fog I know that … It’s jumbled up because of the thick clouds and tornados of thoughts that creep in …

“Why did you think it was okay for you to be mean towards me, especially now? Or is that my distorted perception ...”

“Are you just holding your kind words back because my soul needs to hear them? On purpose?
This is not like you, I just don’t get it.”


“remember thoughts lie … don’t forget”
“he hasn’t changed, you should know better …”

… frustrated … if not for the clouds I would … “I would know …”

“… I know you care, but you don’t let me see it …”



I’m crushed and no one cares it seems … I think to myself … “just walk on me and step on me, it doesn’t matter … I’m gonna hurt anyway … Why doesn’t anybody hear me …”

I just don’t get it … I’m confused and I know why … yet knowing doesn’t stop it from happening …

… Your making no sense to me … I’m not used to you hurting me …  Never before had you tried … “why now” …


“… damn … these thoughts lie and I see them from inside this tornado …”

  distorted … hazy … warped …

“But do you care? You can’t be like the rest. Please let this be a dream … and I wake up and your sweet … unlike the rest … you are special …

“… so please don’t be the same as everyone else …”


The screaming inside my soul cries …

“… Don’t forget what I’ve said … thoughts lie …”

… exhaustion …


” … just leave me be so I can cry in peace. But I don’t care …” It hurts in my belly with hard sharp pains … I’m so tired … through and through …

you have no clue as to how much I need you in my life …

I thought you would always care … but you don’t … At least that is what I feel …

 

… feelings … just like the whirlwind of thoughts … will lie … don’t forget …

“… omg thoughts lie, I almost forgot …”

 

 

The unwanted tangled and distorted thoughts cloud the original ones that are locked in my head … My brain was trying to save me by screaming …

 

“… remember thoughts lie … don’t forget …”

“I’m closing my eyes … stay close to me … I don’t want to die … die inside … I mean from a crushed spirit … you don’t crush those … you lift those up … goodnight I’m closing my eyes … stay close please …”

“I need you to forget that I’m in this cloud of swirling winds … I won’t always be … Please stay … Because I know that thoughts do lie … I’m holding fast to the faith that sustains me for that to please be true …”

” … You are the same as before … I’m so grateful for you … goodI was wrong …”

 

... my mind clears and those horrible clouds seem to be lifting now …”

 

” … you stayed … thank you …”


” … thank you …” I silently spoke to the Lord … “for reminding me that those thoughts lied …”This was written during an ADHD anxiety crazed moment … not after … 
I wanted to describe the negative thoughts and the struggle to fight them so others could see what someone battles daily with this disorder.

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What makes someone tick who has an ugly and hateful heart? ðŸ’“

Most people love me or they hate me. I could care less, but I wasn’t always so nonchalant.  I don’t really like most people, in general, because the majority are not real and use people to get what they want. They put good people down and lie about them to take the focus off themselves and what no good they are up to. I speak, of course, from my own experiences.

People that stoop to those levels do not care who gets hurt in the process as long they get they want and they could care less.

What makes someone that is that ugly and hateful inside tick?

I believe the evil that lies inside those type of people feed off the good hearted human beings like I described.

I also don’t want to hear that they were abused as a child or that they were hurt by the opposite sex and that is what makes them have an ugly heart. I was abused as a child and I am also a SURVIVOR of domestic violence.  I’m not that way. I’ve know people that had similar things happen and they didn’t turn out like that! Being abused is no excuse for bad behavior.

There is something evil inside of them anyway for them to hurt others and  then say they hurt people because they were abused. That’s crap, because they would have been hateful and hurt those people if they’d never been abused, why?  Because it’s in their very character. You either have that inside you or you don’t.

The excuse of abuse just takes the responsibility off their shoulders. They are cowards who blame others their shortcomings. That’s what gets my blood boiling!

What also gets me angry is that those evil no goods act like they have a God given right to treat people any way they choose. Wtf is that? That is laughable but it’s true and it how dare they!

THEY DON’T HAVE THAT RIGHT!

It’s not okay!

It’s up to us (the people they may target) …

… TO NOT ALLOW anyone to treat us with disrespect. 

I have zero tolerance for those type of people. What is the purpose of their existence? Nasty people like that, the ones they show no compassion for others or  don’t seem to care about others is truly a disgusting as well as PITIFUL site.

MOST GET MAD WHEN YOU CALL THEM PITIFUL OR INSIGNIFICANT. 

It is almost humorous, if it wasn’t so damn sad.

No matter how someone looks on the outside, that black heart is enough to make them unattractive and ugly, indeed.

I once thought that everyone thought with the same heart that I did. 

Boy, WAS I WRONG!

Not everyone has the same heart I do and that was an extremely hard lesson for me to learn. I thought just because I wouldn’t never screw someone over to hurt them like that but I thought everyone else thought the same way but they don’t!

Judgmental people have ugly hearts, as do abusers, control freaks, unhappy people and the list could go on.

Narcissistic tendencies and behavior, arrogant attitudes and no compassion for others are KEY attributes to one with an ugly heart. As far as I’m concerned, anyone that has a heart that is that unattractive, is evil. 

Some more than others, but anyone that will hurt someone else ON PURPOSE is evil any which way you look at it!

It blows my mind that most people these days, seem to have nasty hearts and they hurt others on purpose. I just don’t “get” that mindset.  They seem to get by with it and I just don’t “get” that, either.

In summary, I just don’t understand anyone that enjoys making others hurt and suffer ~ DO YOU?

I eventually learned how to decipher fake from real.

Time will tell because a person cannot fake being something they aren’t, not for long anyway.  They are going to slip up, no doubt about it. Women are more likely to slip up than men, in my opinion. Women are led by emotions, men are not.

PAY ATTENTION … To what your gut tells you inside.

One thing you can bet money on is that they can’t fake it for to long, until their true character appears. Just be patient.

It’s just a matter of WHEN? 

I’ve observed that true personalities SHINE THROUGH within three months and take no longer than six months, generally speaking. 

However, I’ve known some  that have taken up to a year before their trueness showed through. Those are the exceptions to the rule.

Those are the ones that you don’t expect and because of that, you end up getting hurt worse.

… Real people recognize other real people and they also recognize who’s NOT real.

It’s a shame, but use caution when meeting someone for the first time. Whether it’s a potential friend or lover, don’t let them fully “in” until at least 3 months have passed. You think your being mean because of that ~ no, you are protecting yourself.

Being able to discern through to people’s true nature is a gift as well as an acquired and learned ability. 

It’s actually learned through hard core life situations.  It is not something you just automatically know nor is it for the weak minded individual. 

Only the strong will survive ✋

Have you ever wondered what goes through someone’s mind when they intentionally use and hurt people?

How do they justify it within themselves to make someone’s life miserable – ON PURPOSE – even if just for a moment?

I’m sure it’s because they are miserable within themselves and their own life, which makes them yearn to bring others down around them. They cannot stand to see others around them happy.

Like the cowards they are, with the games they play✌️ they could really push a weaker minded individual over the edge! Big bully’s is are all they are and it’s NOT attractive.

I had to really push through things life threw at me and I did it without making others cry. I never hurt someone on purpose, even when they hurt me.  It’s just not me. I have a heart.

Are ugly hearts really that delusional and arrogant to think it’s truly okay to bring others to their knees?

They are disgusting individuals, the cockroaches of society is the perfect description.

Weaklings, because they hide behind and hurt real people with big hearts in order to blend in and to make themselves feel like they are somebody. 

They really are transparent when you become gifted in discerning their true nature.

Transparency at it finest ~

They feast on …

people that are going through hard times, weighed down by the weight of their circumstances.

The weak scaredey cats feed on those unfortunate ones and then dive in for the kill. I hate someone being a bully.

That truly pisses me off. I’ve been the victim in something similar before, a few times in my life and it makes my blood boil to see someone being manipulated in that fashion. I am now A SURVIVOR!

Cowards have radar for weakness and they use it to zone in on those that have some weakness BUT it’s not your fault if you fall for their lies ~ the first time! It takes getting burned a few times before you get good at spoting those types when you first met them. 

How are you supposed to automatically know, unless your told or shown? I had to learn the hard way, no one gave me a heads up 😞

Hold you head up ~ just proceed with caution. 

That’s why I get so upset.  Those big fat babies won’t pick on an individual that stands up to them. 

Once I began to stand up to these types, their bark is noticably worse than their bite.

I eventually learned how to take those losers down. I will stand up to them now with no problem. 

I’m no longer afraid of those with hateful and ugly hearts that hurt on purpose.

My question remains though ~ why do people walk around on eggshells around those type of folks?

They need to be held accountable for their hideous actions, in my opinion and I will call them out on their shit. They hate that and use righteous indignation when you do but I see right through that …


… FINALLY …

Experience leads you to knowledge which gives you the courage and righteous anger with meekness to stand up to them.

Anger is needed to give you the boost to say something to them.  Use your righteous anger and meekness does not mean weak like most think.  Meekness means …

… STRENGTH UNDER CONTROL …

You will also learn to listen and recognize your gut feeling on any individual or  situation.

REMEMBER THIS:  Your gut feeling will NEVER lie to you.

I have never understood the mentality of Stupidity that enjoys causing emotional pain on purpose. What kind of sick freak does that?

There is just no valid reason for anyone to be hateful and mean toward someone else hurting them simply because they feel the need to in order to feel better about themselves. 

Kindness costs nothing and it’s positive, and causes less wrinkles and it’s contagious!

Kindness given to someone makes them happy and in turn it makes that person want to show kindness to someone else!

Be kind to someone today!

💙 Thank you for reading, commenting, and following 💚

🌼you may feel broken, but you don’t need fixing!!!

I believe that my main problem, for all these years, has been thinking that I had to “fix myself” in order to live my life at peace within. That is an untrue statement.

Society as a whole feels that if we are going through something, we must need to be fixed. I don’t think I need to be fixed. Sure, I have had life’s issues that blew up in my face, causing me to make bad decisions or go down the wrong road, but I don’t feel that means that I need “to be fixed“!

So, I’ve been actively researching this subject all week and this is what I have learned. Society sees you as “broken” for example, if you are an addict or if you suffer from any one of several mental disorders, such as: ADHD, schizophrenia, pstd, bipolar, and depression or if you are a victim of domestic violence or suchlike. This is an ongoing list of situations that some suffer from and because of this society feels that an individual must be “broken” or just needing to “be fixed” because they allowed themselves to get caught up in those life issues. It’s ridiculous!

It’s easy to think of certain feelings or thoughts as bad for us and we naturally want to make them stop. We avoid them, we distract ourselves, and then we ultimately try to fix these “broken” parts of our lives.

These parts of us are NOT broken. In fact, I believe that not one of us is “broken“.

The problem is the thinking that we are “broken“. The issue is not the anxiety. It’s the intense struggle within that the anxiety creates that’s the problem. It’s our own desire to be free from this overwhelming emotion that causes us to feel trapped. All we want to do is just find some relief, and to make it STOP. This is not the way to make it go away, you are only causing yourself more problems than you need.

The key is to stop trying to fix it, stop trying to change it, stop allowing it to be an overwhelming problem. Instead, just try to be willing and sit with the feeling and accept it. By doing this, it will, in time, erase the anxiety.

How do I do this you may ask? It takes 30 days to make a habit, and it also takes 30 days to break a habit. Your mind automatically allows anxiety take over out of habit. When your on purpose managing it as I describe below, you will be on the road to breaking that habit. After 30 days of practicing this technique, every single time the anxiety crops up, it will be more automatic for you to push through it easier in your mind.

It is really simple, yet it is not an easy thing to do. This takes an amazing amount of mind power and control to accomplish. However, it CAN be done!

It totally depends on how much you want to change this wrong thought process that leads to the anxiety overtaking your life.

I know this because I, myself, have gone through this process. Nobody told me this, I learned it entirely on my own. This is not for the weak of heart.

You have to accept this overwhelming anxiety for what it is. Worrying, trying to fix problems that cause your anxiety, or ignoring it WILL NOT help or alleviate it. Only attacking and facing it head on with acceptance will calm your mind, so that you are able to focus on solutions to the problems that caused you to allow the ANXIETY to control in the first place.

You have to ON PURPOSE put those devastating emotions to the side in your mind. You tell yourself that these emotions are not helping you and are only making those emotions climax in your mind. This must be done every single time it happens, otherwise it won’t stick.

Put your mind where it needs to be, not where it wants to go.

Anxiety can paralyze your entire body and mind so they cannot function. I have been bombarded with anxiety my entire life because I live with ADHD unmedicated. Whatever disorder you have, it will not stop you from achieving this, simply because you suffer from it. You can push past your disorder. This process works and you CAN do this!

So instead of spending hundreds on therapy for this issue, decide to conquer this demon head on, and in time the anxiety will diminish, allowing you to go forth, more confident in your life and in the decisions you make.

As I’ve stressed to you, this is not for the weak minded or weak of heart, because the mind power it takes from the beginning, is an extremely difficult thing to do. You have to take every once of strength you can muster, just to do this because at first it will happen SEVERAL times a day. It will get tiring but it’s either spend your time in the solution or spending time being miserable and causing yourself unwanted bouts of anxiety. Your choice!

Bit by bit, facing this issue head on will slowly but surely stop your problem with anxiety. By conquering these unwanted emotions, you will experience an intense sense of freedom that you have ever known!

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❤️ Thanxxx for reading ❤️

Dead inside… Is all I see…..

All he wants to do is YELL…
His eyes so evil and black…
Dead inside…… As he yells and screams at anyone in his path.
So what, your miserable inside?
Who cares after you hurt us one by one, until there is no one left to hurt.

This man is no one to me and
Apologizes mean zero because it will all happen again, just give it time.
He’s not to be trusted, in this state.
I’m worried for my girl because all she wants, is for him to be fixed.

I can’t see him being fixed. Not after I saw the evil and black eyes up close…
Yelling at me….. Dead inside…..
There is no other word for him… He is an abuser through and through.

No feelings for anyone but his big fat baby self,
No respect for her or her family
I’m scared of what he may do, if he blows up

Terror rushes in on me…
Tears run down my face as I shake while putting this down
So others can see, how horrid he can really be.

I used to see the good inside, but no more..
I guess he brushed that to the side. With my anger problem, I can control mine but his, you can see, is
Uncontrollable. That’s what makes him scary.

He sees no boundaries, none will stop him when in his anger….
My gut says watch him… He’s dangerous and I trust my gut because it has never lied.

It’s sad but oh so true
He’s no longer cares for himself, so be aware he doesn’t care for you.
That makes him a danger… To anyone in his path. My back will tell you that.

I won’t hide from him because I once proclaimed I would never again be abused….. Especially by this little man.
Deep down, I’m scared because
He no longer cares.

God keep us all safe from him
and his anger that is all around him. We all need You Lord, to stop him with Your mighty hand.

Let nothing happen to us but only to him if his anger comes once again.
Karma is a bitch and God’s wrath is worse… Not caring about that will definitely leave you with a curse.

I’m still shaking, my back throbbing
Hurting for my friend more than me. She’s to good a woman for this jerk to see.

Keep her safe Lord that he may listen to her and receive some help for his issues,
Leaving us all alone once more.

🌼 afterword 🌺

Exes aren’t the only abusers, there are friends even neighbors that will pounce on you in their fit of rage.

😞Like my fb page SURVIVING YOUR ABUSIVE EX

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU LOVE IS IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP or they have been abused by someone they know……. KNOW THAT YOUR NOT ALONE!

Contact the NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE AND WEBSITE NOW. (see below)

They will get you out SAFELY.

❤️

1-800-799-7233

1-800-799-SAFE

💙 HOTLINE #❤️

😊💙 Thanxxx for reading, commenting, and following 💜😊

Sleepless in Texas âœŒï¸

I’m undiagnosed and untreated with adult ADHD and it’s progression has worsened, especially within the past three to six months. I don’t know why. I’m just familiar with my body emotionally and physically, and both areas are freaking out more than ever.

I’ve silently suffered from ADHD my entire life. There were some times that were worse than others; however, recently has been the worse time of all.

I think to myself, “Yay, in my early golden years I get to put up with this craziness magnified. I’m so scattered and I know that people can see the crazy old lady I am perceived to be. Great, I think to myself. Perfect.

I know others are sick to death of hearing me complain about my undiagnosed state as well as being untreated. They have been sweet not to say anything, but “I’m afraid they may leave if I keep it up, like all the others in my past”. Paralyzing thoughts. Yay 👌 thank you ADHD. Your thoughts will lie to you. It suxxx.

I have a very small circle including my landlady (who is a very good friend), my BFWB, and my platonic male friend Kenny. That’s about it. I have a very small circle. Less drama and less people judging me, and less people to screw me over. I’ve had my fill of those types in my life, no more for me

I know people would think I was mental if I were to go out in public. I have let myself go physically and I’m ashamed.

I mistakingly thought I could overcome it with mind over matter but boy, was I totally wrong. I used to be so pretty now I feel like a troll 🙄

My sleep patterns are non- existent and wacky, for lack of a better word.

I do have my crazy moments though, real talk! Focusing only through writing and the lessons learned about my mistakes in life.

The fact that I can’t control a lot of this scares me but what can I do? Nothing, but move forward the best I can, praying for the day I can afford to see a clinic or Doctor that will treat me.

Long story short, my clinic is a sliding scale government funded clinic and they told me they didn’t prescribe stimulants nor did they have funding to test for ADHD.

I could bear and handle the symptoms, for the most part, until three to six months ago. They became worse and almost unbearable. I’ve struggled big-time ever since as if it were brand new to me.

I’ve worked harder on this blog site and content than I ever have with anything else! There is an almost explosive drive behind me, keeping me going with little sleep for days. I’m exhausted, excited, scared, anxious and distant all in one. But I keep plodding along until my battery runs out altogether.

Conquering my addiction was easier than dealing with this, I believe.

The ADHD explains the addiction, because I was addicted to cocaine. A stimulant (ADHD is treated with synthetic methamphetamine – which is a simulant as well) and I was unconsciously self medicating I’m sure in hopes of feeling “normal”.

Cocaine does not treat ADHD to any real degree. (maybe take the edge off and numb your emotions so you don’t feel the effects of ADHD symptoms) That’s why I felt little relief while getting hooked in the process. I’ve been clean over five years. That was only after five horrible relapses but I was not one to give up, so I kept trying to stop and finally I did.

I need relief and soon from this emotional hell.

Tomorrow is another day in which I really need to clean my house. Another one of ADHDs symptoms at work. These emotions can paralyze you into not being able to do anything. Sometimes, I can push through that and other times I simply cannot.

I was blessed to have RAW determination that has gotten me through my weakest points. I never know how I’m going to make it, but somehow I just do.

I’m grateful today for the revelations in my personal growth, but I need a break to rest.

LIKE my Facebook page for help and info for living with ADHD and other stigma related diseases, disorders and lifestyles: https://www.facebook.com/stopandkillthestigma/

Judging people is wrong ðŸ™

Today as I was surfing quora.com I came across this question which immediately made my blood boil. It takes a lot for that to happen but judgmental people do it every time.  Here is the question I read that caused that instant rage   ..

Topic question was about homelessness :
Question: I have no respect for the homeless because i feel as if it is their own fault. Are there any examples of healthy “normal people” who became homeless?

My answer was:
You are being very judgemental of people you don’t even know. You know nothing about them nor do you know anything about homelessness. If you had a clue you wouldn’t have worded your question the way you did.

I was once homeless and yes it was all my fault. But the way we got there doesn’t matter it’s the picking ourselves up that matters. How dare you tell me it was my fault.

How we come out of a situation, not that we were in that situation in the first place. Don’t judge on subjects your clueless about. You don’t know me I’m not a statistic.
I’m a very respectful person that made bad decisions and ended up homeless. I owned that and came through it like a boss. (That’s all the information he needs)

✌️ Furthermore, I do not want yours or anyone else’s sympathy anyway. No one in that situation would I promise you.

Your compassion would be nice but your sympathy or pity I don’t need.

You need to be re-educated properly because you have a lot of opinions with no knowledge to back them up!

How would YOU have answered him??? Did I get my point across and put him in his place respectively?Let me know in the comment section below.What would you have answered?
✌️RAW VERSION