💕 where does the love 💕 go? revised 04-21*

Have you ever had so much love inside of you but you had no place to place it?

If that sounds like you, then can relate to this post!

Where does the love go 💋

That feeling of having so much love inside and no place to give it, hits hard then overwhelms and overpowers you, and you can feel the void of where the love was supposed to go. That void hurts a million times more than not having somewhere safe for it to be placed …

The dark hole does still ache, tremendously and deep, inside of my chest. Paralyzing, way deep down inside yet numb, from the stark realization, that there is nowhere close for me to lay, the love that’s way deep down in my heart.

The void he has is still there, I feel it with fear and he’s blocking the place and making it hard to find that part of his heart where the love cried to go, so I felt that I’d just lost my case …

He lives almost an hour away 😢 so I don’t see him as often as my heart would okay. Holding me at a distance … unknowingly I think …

Day by day he gets further away from that secret place, He dives straight into that void and it’s deep in his heart …

Nevertheless, my ache has kept on, sadly aware and realizing there’s nowhere at all, in such a place, for my love to be accepted and given, without losing face …

The ache grows stronger for the love that it’s missed – gut wrenching pain – hurting so bad – slicing straight to my heart that’s so in need of grace …

That void in him longs to be filled … regardless of his fear that my love will get loose and then will depart … sneaking away … while he’s doing his part …

What he needs to know is that I’m here to stay and I can be what’s deep in both hearts …

It’s really quite painful when the fear of never having him begins … ever so slowly until the crescendos begin … up past the very ceiling that shields you within …

It’s a horrible ache stabbing into my soul that I’ve ever known because of one heart …

I can promise you, right from the start. I will never depart, it’s worth it to me from the tale of two hearts …

In some way it halts the love … that’s patiently waiting just to be placed … I know there’s love for me in that guarded heart … it’s okay because I already know before he tells me that part …

Tears fall for the love that is right in your face … by wanting to be noticed so much I may break … that makes it impossibly difficult for my love to be placed …

It’s the distancing he automatically does that can be felt in a flash … he neglects to acknowledge any one certain fact …

The love he silently craves … is hiding within but he keeps it so far … away from his heart yet she still needs a place … that her love can lie and won’t depart …

In his mind he may ask … Is it plausible that this secret love has a face … ?

I yearn to bond with his mind like before and our intimacies that would blow me away so far …

… out in space … and that kept me screaming his name all over the place …

I felt his defenses spring up from his core … from a secret place in him … a place that my heart would adore to explore …

Do you feel his void and my crushing ache, while hurting so bad …

… simply because my love, craves to be placed … ?

He used to radiate the thought that my love was approved … simply because he didn’t run … the entire time that he knew …

He seemed to good to be true and I see that in every sweet special thing that he’s done … I’m over the top that he’s my boo … it’s not a coincidence that this begun …

Love tries to escape from the depths of my core … to rush to the void and quickly fill his heart …

… only finding distance … which made my love turn around .. silently begging him not to depart …

.

… with deep labored breaths that seemed forced from my lungs … the void that he has secretly aches … yet the void silently tells me … that my love was noticed and appreciated and really need to be placed …

The way he makes love to me is wild …

… and then …

He stares at me with an intense look … while doing incredible things to my bod … when … I truly don’t want it to ever – ever end …

It’s all about him … conquering that fear … that all women are the same so those chances are slim … that he will shed not one tear …

Well, that’s not true and she’s right here beside you holding the mark … and the bond that you’ve shared deep down in both hearts …

She’s craved it to be … inside of her most secret place … but past demons appear to fill his void right in his face …

… instead …

… doing nothing but making his heart again fill with dread … that’s why there’s no room for my love to reside … in his secret place that my love craves to lie …

… wanting him to report … NO it wasn’t true … yet he believed it so much … it was hard not to misconstrue … being cemented and concreted just because of little trust … oh how he silently wanted it all so much …

It will … eventually … haunt him while causing him to wonder yet … Is her love really true … not wanting more than I’m able to give?

All that love I have way deep inside, waiting to be placed somewhere for my love not to hide.

I have all this love for you bursting inside, away from your doubts in order for your heart to allow me inside.

Letting you get deep into your stride, trying not to collide with your need for space.

While way deep inside, of my secret place, where I’m holding this love that is turned on by you, and with an ominous ache is his void is so huge? Since the love that I hold onto HARD yet, deep down inside, while knowing that it’s not allowed to be placed.

He’s protecting his spirit and I can relate while mine, can conquer and divide the demons that harass and take place, while making him keep it from love that’s shown in his face.

Yet he’s scared to release that small secret place where he let love come close – but he didn’t give place, harboring things that would have made others break.

He then showed me the side of his hero part to, he’s so brave and so strong –

I hear me now and I’m crying for you…

Moving robotically, day by day and shuffling through all the mess in my way.

The weight of that ache, settled deep in my mind, wishing hard and praying loud, screaming for that love to please be found.

Then, maybe his heart will come out and see, that my love needs to fill, that void and him not flee.

With him not wanting it, yet sensing he wanted it so, his heart could be healed by allowing a path for true love to grow. God had surely set them up to meet and get close inside his heart. His spirit had spoken up and with that pic in his mind, damn all of the sudden, he turned from me and groaned, then he closed himself off to the trails of my mind.
I’m holding on, with all of my might, slightly frantic it seems because I don’t want this fight. I want everything to remain the same, with our hot sexy times and yet I still need to know, “are we still exclusive deep down in your mind?”,

…all the while knowing, there’s no room in his heart, for him to be mine.

I knew from the start that I would probably get hurt deep down to the very core of my heart. He’s that precious to me to have in my life, that he’s keeping his distance doesn’t change the want that’s way deep down inside that special place that’s deep down in my heart.

Just remember, it all started with his void deep inside, where my love wanted to go and lay down to reside. He’s held me in his strong arms, no fear that I can see, he makes everything negative stay away from me.

Sometimes my love was allowed to get close and deep down inside.

just not quite…

and that’s partly because my love was secretly keeping his hope alive!

Despite what he showed me that he didn’t want, any part of my love, that I have deep down in my heart …

Secretly he wished for a love so grand that it would put to shame, any past that he had.

He was fighting inside, perilously close to his heart… Whether or not to allow these feelings I’ve felt since the day that we met.

My hope is that one day, love would be allowed fully to see, and deep enough for the love to “feel“, all snuggly …

and warm way deep down inside, yet needing to rest and being right beside, the place, where his hope let’s my love survive!

With a lot of joy and hope just out of my reach, I knew this routine way better than most, also knowing inside of my deep down space, where I need his void to let my love to be placed.

Teasing me relentlessly, the strings of my heart, and waiting for patience, yet craving him hard.

The ache will never go away, for that person you need, your craving them relentlessly, just wanting your love to get deep down inside and take their void by surprise, so they will certainly survive!

There will be none to replace this one in my heart, he will forever have the key, to my heart , where my love lived right from the start!

Asking finally, where does my love go, if not to him? Answer. That love that is his and his alone will just wait around until it’s shown, that is okay to fill that void of his.

If that never happens… My love will still be right here outside just loving him anyway through everything indeed!

💋LIKE MY FB PAGE DEDICATED TO MY BEST FRIEND AND BEYOND 💕💜 Finding your best friend with benefits

Read these posts about my bffwb:

Just maybe
Where does the love go

Tears falling down

A real man

The imprint of you on my heart

Why

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray

❤️💜💙💛 Thanxxx for reading and commenting and following ❤️💜💙💛
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… yOu … me …

I stay up at night thinking of

… yOu …

the BEAUTY of yOur sOuL radiates into

… me …

causing me to feeL

… yOu …

the amazement of yOu creates in

… me …

a deep excitement in seeing

… yOu …

causing a hurricane of thoughts in

… me …

I’m in wonderment of the essence of

… yOu …

yOu make my heartbeat throb …

… me …

I cause the naughty thoughts in…

… yOu …

yOu make tingles shoot through

… me …

making the private parts on

… yOu …

seek out the intimate parts on

… me …

making the emotions on

… yOu …

grab my face and begin kissing

… me …

while I grab for the hugs from

… yOu …

instead it’s yOu wanting from

… me …

my body pressed up against

… yOu …

clinging to the sOuL of

… me …

that brings out the radiating sOuL of

… yOu …

causing yOu to explode in

… me …

makes me gush all over

… yOu …

trembling – yOu hold

… me …

as tightly as I hold

… yOu …

sleep soon will come to

… me …

my heart will always belong to

… yOu …

©chellesrawthoughts

✔️ LIKE my FB page Finding your best friend and beyond that’s in honor of my guy and what we have that’s so amazing.

👫 thank you for reading, commenting and following 👫

beyOnd beSt friendS 👫

I met him in the craziest way … God told me that first night that “he is the one” … and when I opened my door and saw him – I said, “oh yeah this one needs to stay” … silently I thought … “Wow thank You God – a job well done” …

We instantly bonded and were extremely turned on … partying, gabbing, heavily flirting and more … staying up making out until the first break of dawn … I was in heaven loving all of him and he was certainly no bore …

… for three days and nights we played, made love and fuc*ed … together we were off tha chain … we allowed nothing to interrupt … I couldn’t get this man outta my brain …

Making hot, steamy and naughty love was amazing times ten … it never mattered where the other had been … never did I know naughtiness was supposed to be like that … intimately speaking it was INDESCRIBABLE unlike any other I’ve played at …

… there were no games played and no lies told … refreshing to us that we both broke the mold … he brought me back to life … I was simply existing because inside of me there lay a lot of strife …

… over the course of several months our bond became stronger than strong … I felt in my gut that this couldn’t be wrong … time kept it’s pace … moving forward it did … we could always be found hanging out at my little place …

I completely fell and fell hard for this man … he took it in stride and had a secret plan … he showed me how a real man dealt with his life … and treated those close to him with patience while unknowingly keeping me alive …

He is my hero as well as my best friend and beyond … BEYOND benefits BEYOND love and BEYOND best friends … I am so in awe I can barely respond … he is so much BEYOND the traditional boyfriend …

I honestly could not live life without his heart … it was as if I’d known right from the start … God whispered that night, “He is the one” … “thank You God it was a job well done …”

👫 this poem is about my guy – my best friend and beyond – he means the world to me … there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him … I know he would be the same way towards me! It’s been four years this month … since we met and have pretty much exclusive ever since …
“A soulmate connection is not sycophantic. No power struggles. No game playing. You don’t have to worry about treading on eggshells or keeping the peace. You don’t consider that words or actions will be thrown back and used as evidence should there be a future spat, although time will tell with this one. You feel their strength in the gentlest of ways and have no desire to hurt them, or test their loyalties. A soulmate connection says it’s OK to be different, perhaps one of you thrives on social media, while the other prefers a more private existence, under the radar. Any stresses or di

fficulties are diminished with one word from the other, or a solitary text, in one fell swoop.”

💃thank you for reading following and commenting🕺

©chellesrawthoughts

Broken beyond recognition

I’m breaking, my heart is completely breaking right now. I’m broken but I’m going to have to be okay. I just don’t know how the fuck I’m going to be okay

I don’t know if I am going to be able to handle what I feel may be coming.

I feel that it may be time to let things go, I just don’t feel that the situation is the same anymore and I cannot keep feeling that, staying where I am and be okay.

Not after seeing what I didn’t see, today!

Not if there’s a reason to hide something ~ anything … FROM ME! Once that is shown, deep down I know,

That needs to move around. They flipped, not me. I will offer option and by the reply, I will know …

But FUCK IT HURTS like a bitch …

No one cares

I’m all alone and I’m terrified to be …

What is it, is it me?

I never saw this coming but it’s here, and I tell myself you will want to stay …

With what we have is enough and not to much, unless it’s someone else and your just not telling me, because you truly don’t want me to hurt …

It would hurt less if I knew a hundred percent, that’s also more respectful, so that’s a definite hint …

My stomach aches and I’m going to throw up, no matter how you may feel, please respect my heart …

I’m petrified would actually better describe, the deep ass pain throughout my gut, stabbing me through to the other side …

It’s killing me deep down …

But a woman knows …

what vibes she’s getting, even if they may not know what vibes they’re giving …

A woman knows …

Dammit wtf have I done to deserve this paramount of pain?

All I ever did was love you beyond all reason, that’s all. That was my crime and from day one I knew I would eventually pay the price …

I really just don’t matter anymore, I’m boring to you maybe and that’s why you don’t want to ever hang …

anymore, like we did, damn I thought that shit was fun and insane …

Just come out and tell me boo bear … whatever it is … put me out of my misery before I enter a hospital instead …

It’s my own fucking fault but who knew the pain would be away, hiding way past the stars … I knew it would pounce one day, always hoping it was never tomorrow …

But today it is 😭

😍I write this from an ADHD moment … where our thoughts are rampant and raging throughout our body 90,000 times per second … I thought wrong thoughts about my guy and thank God he’s so incredibly patient with me 😍
💜 Thank you for reading, commenting and following 💚

hOw impOrtant iS a “sOuL cOnneCtiOn” in your relationship for it to be successful?

A sOuL cOnneCt is the glue that binds together yOur seX yOur sOuL and yOur parTnerShip as a whOLe tOgeTher …

My eXcLuSive partnership is prOOf of thiS. This iS the beSt reLationShip I’ve ever had in my entire life and it was definitely worth waiting 52 years for!

True love doesn’t hurt

Beyond best friends, beyond soulmates and beyond true love is what my guy and I have … my best friend and beyond

BeLOw I deSCribe EXACTLY what it takes to have a suCCeSSful parTnerShip …

Read this very carefully and you BOTH have to be in sync with this or it won’t work …

what it takes to have that RARE and unique sOuL cOnneCtiOn that iS almost unbreakable:

*100% COMPLETE HONESTY with OPEN COMMUNICATION so as to keep your partner informed as to where your head is at. This way there is no room for either of y’all to be guessing what the other is thinking etc… Those TWO things are the FOUNDATION NEEDED to begin and maintain a successful partnership …

I think that so many couples DON’T have that foundation because it wasn’t based on a SOUL CONNECTION. Because I KNOW if it IS based on a SOUL CONNECT it has no other option but to work in making a relationship successful (My own exclusive partnership is proof) … Otherwise without the soul cOnneCt … Couples aren’t striving as a team to build their relationship …

After the CRUCIAL FOUNDATION of HONESTY and COMMUNICATION are laid and SET LIKE CONCRETEadd the mix of YOUR RELATIONSHIP SUPER POWER (sOuL cOnneCt) –

*** this sOuL cOnneCtiOn cannot be forced – if it isn’t already present in your relationship is probably not going to be there if you have to try to make it happen …

… then … you MUST have these ESSENTIAL attributes (in BOTH partners) for it to be SUCCESSFUL:

*100% TRUST (for yourself as well as for each other)

*RESPECT (means that each person values who the other is and understands the other person’s boundaries)

*LOYALTY (to yourself, each other, and to your reLatiOnShip)

*FAITHFULNESS (to each other FOR your reLatiOnShip)

*INDIVIDUALITY

*COMPROMISE

*KEEPING OPEN LINE OF COMMUNICATION (this is mentioned twice because it’s that important)

*COMMITMENT

*LISTENING to each other

*OPENNESS (your as well as your partner is open, undefended and willing to be vulnerable and open in a sexual manner)

*FORGIVENESS

*SHOW APPRECIATION

*EMOTIONAL SUPPORT for each other

***BE A RIDE OR DIE FOR EACH OTHER it’s crucial to have each other’s back in ANY situation. You have to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that “your partner has “got you”

*HUMOR

*THE MAGIC OF SMALL THINGS

*COMPASSION – The intention and capacity to relieve and transform suffering and lighten sorrows

*DEPENDABILITY

*AFFECTION

*EFFORTLESS – it should ALL come naturally

*ACCEPTANCE

*SELFLESSNESS

🤔 When ALL ATTRIBUTES ARE ADDED TO YOUR FIRM FOUNDATION OF HONESTY AND OPEN COMMUNICATION meaning they are SET firmly inside you and your partners sOuL (because your sOuL consists of your mind, your will and your emotions)

THAT IS HIGHLIGHTED TOGETHER – it’s completed with the RARE OCCURRENCE of instantaneous bonding of two souls causing a …

~ SOUL CONNECTION ~

😄 … then …

*add the bonus ingredient WHICH CAUSES the most AMAZING sex that you could dare dream of … therefore causing it all to ⚡⚡⚡MAKE THE MOST⚡⚡⚡UNBEATABLE ✌️ 🎶🎶🎶 COMBINATION which creates an …

UNBREAKABLE BOND

similar to sOuL tieS the bibLe talks about

which makes for a ✌️ 🎶🎶🎶 SUCCESSFUL PARTNERSHIP that would be ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE and EXTREMELY DIFFICULT for anyone outside the relationship to break through … for example someone can’t tempt your partner to cheat as easily because sOuL cOnneCt is almost unbreakable plus with this sOuL cOnneCtiOn you WILL NOT WANT TO OR THINK ABOUT BEING UNFAITHFUL … (Breaking the soulmate connection can be a very difficult process but it can be done if you set your mind, heart and soul to the task. The soulmate connection, and soulmate relationships, are formed from a very deep soul level connection with another human being.)

(These soulmate connections as they are formed and deepen over the time we spend with that soulmate become a part of us and part of our own soul so creating a termination to that bond can be a fairly painful process

(This soulmate connection as it is formed and deepen over the time that we spend with our soulmate … They become a part of us and part of our own soul so creating a termination to that bond can be a fairly painful process … read more here regarding sOuL tie diScOnneCtiOn … not having a sOuL cOnneCtiOn is how partners can succumb to temptation easily …)

This is what most reLatiOnShipS are miSSing … and the main reason cheating seems like an easy option … It’s not an easy option when your have all these qualities present as discussed here in this post

My opinion is that most couples in general will NOT have this RARE phenomenal relationship is because they aren’t willing to put forth the extreme effort in maintaining this on a daily basis. They want the outcome of …

what I’ve described to manifest in their relationship without going out of their comfort zone.

Learning about and VALUING what is important to each other will have the two of you creating your “perfect” world around your relationship.

Being up straight up front about your individual thoughts and feelings, along with the desired direction of the relationship – YOUR AGREEMENT OF THE DESIRED DIRECTION OF YOUR PARTNERSHIP IS CRITICAL – because that way one isn’t trying to change direction … because by NOT changing directions … your partner has the assurance you are respecting the boundaries they placed in front of you … This WILL ALLOW your relationship the freedom it craves to be happy and because your won’t be doubting your partner’s promise of NOT pushing you for something you may not be emotionally ready or able to give (for ex: if one of you has “caught feelings and the other hasn’t – and they do care deeply for you – be respectful and know they are giving you all they can – because IF the partner with feelings pushes for the relationship to be more of a commitment or whatever … that “pushing” will poison what trust is between the both you plus it breaks and tears down the bricks and will ultimately destroy the foundation built – and more than likely end it altogether.

On the other hand if you both keep to whatever agreement decided beforehand … The AMAZING freedom that comes – (freedom from knowing your partner is faithful and cares for you deeply, etc.) will allow you and your partner the opportunity to simultaneously explore yourselves and your relationship because your FIRM SET FOUNDATION AND BRICK STRUCTURE and highlighted with the sOuL cOnneCtiOn frees your relationship to grow as it was meant to be.

Comments are welcome and encouraged …

Like my fb page “FINDING YOUR BEST FRIEND AND BEYOND” they is dedicated to my guy and the unique bond we share …

💓 Thank you for reading commenting and following 💓

Agonizing fear 😵 (revised 05-27-19)

(This post that I created in February 2019 explains the insecurities I had early in my relationship with my bfab because of toxic relationships in my past. It also shows how my ADHD brain was going into overdrive and it also takes a look at how FEAR can paralyze you, emotionally and sometimes physically.)

Agonizing fear

Terror lashes out at me … paralyzing my entire body … numbness overwhelmes the deep parts of my soul … painful doubts stab through my heart …

Shaking …

trembling …

” … oh no, am I going to be abandoned, thrown away or chunked into emotional duress? …”

“No!

I cannot allow this again …”



Why?” kept going through my thoughts … “he is different and has a purpose in my life … he wouldn’t leave me” … my thoughts seemed to be mine … but not …


Braving myself for a painfuL emotional jaunt … which  continuously … scattered the shredded pieces of my heart ... floating through memories of before when my heart was young …   and how lethal people … raped my sOuL … time after time …


choking …



barely am I able to breathe … I would never make it … if he left … my thoughts were my own … still … but not …

” … I need you” …  my mind screams … roaring … inside my aching head …

… please don’t leave me isolated and hopelessly afraid …



“… I really do need you … it’s so beyond you causing my heart to race …”


anxious tingles …




… Coming at me from all over – SUDDENLY – the agonizing fear grips and hurts way deep down

in my gut …

“Why do I feel that something is wrong?”



” … please … I truly need you” 💋

… my very gut cries out …   AGONIZING … from deep within the darkness … that’s inside of me … while it turns into light … if only for a moment …

Wow … I really mattered enough … MIRACLE … you have shown me that I am  importantI matter … never would I dared to dream … I would feel again … this way …

I FINALLY found one true angel in this horrible world …  See how much you have truly blessed my hurting soul ever since that first night when we met …


… This is a true grown up beyond normal love, not a feeling 😍 that I could have ever imagined … 


… Realization hits me …

My gut has always been right … why didn’t I trust that when my soul cries …  it was trying to alert me … I am ever so grateful …

“… Thank you I cried silently … You gave me back … Me …”

💜 May 27, 2019 … “This poem was written before I totally understood what true Loyalty meant. I’d never received it before so I thought this man would leave me the same way all the others left me.  I was to discover that this man was cut from a totally different cloth than the rest. He showed me I mattered. 
He gave me the best and most amazing gift in this world.  Meeeeeee 😇 Thank you to my guy … My bfab … My hero” 😍

Like my fb page that is dedicated to my bfab (best friend and beyond)

Other posts inspired by my bfab ~

Where does the love go

A real man

Just maybe
Tears falling down
The imprint of you on my heart

Why

To scared to pray
💜Thank you for reading, commenting, and following❤️

diSappOinTmenT ~n~ diSreSpeCt

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I refuse yOur offer therefOre yOu lOSe and are yOu craZy fOr aSking me tO aLLOw yOu the hOnOr of eXChange – with me – I cannOt beLieVe yOu aSked that – are yOu now gOing tO try argue yOur plea ...

That is uSeleSS yOu see – My guy iSn’t happy at all with your requeSt – yOu aLready knOw I’m nOt lOSing the beSt – thiS teLLs me yOu’re juSt Like aLL the reSt …

You want tO knOw why I’m sO irate – it ain’t beCauSe of nO mf skate – nigga yOu diSreSpeCted me by aSking that – I dOn’t share my craft eSpeciaLLy tO my eX bf – whO’s being a brat …

ThiS iS it – I thOught yOu may change – fOr Mary and yOur unbOrn – yOu eVidentLy haVen’t and I am nOt gOing tO aLLOw thiSeX feeLing deaLing gameS …” – cauSe me any mOre sCOrn …

You have “gOt tO stop DC” – that meanS with anyOne eSpeCiaLLy with me – yOu wiLL eVentuaLLy get caught up and yOur girL wiLL find out – she wiLL be sO hurt and yOu gOing tO find yOurSeLf withOut …

Steve asked me if you’d lost your mf mind – I told him I thought so but if not now was the time – he don’t appreciate that question you threw at me today – that type of shit will keep you in disarray …

The anSwer juSt in caSe yOu stiLL dOn’t underStand – iS a big fat NO and NEVER had I figured yOu’d pLan – tO think I wOuLd aCtuaLLy say yes – and cOmprOmiSe my reLatiOnShip with my amaZing man

I’ve tried tO be niCe tO yOu deSpite our cOnfLiCting paSt – shame on me fOr beLieVing that yOu’d start dOing right – sinCe a baby is what yOu wanted – with aLL of yOur might

Steve and I bOth tOOk offenSe – requeSting suCh a thing sure made me feeL Lower than LOw – I hOped that yOu’d have mOre senSe … He dOn’t pLay this DC – yOu’re aware we’re tOgether – it shOuLdn’t be a blOw ...

I’m going tO say tO yOu one mOre thing – fOCuS on the birth of yOur LittLe girL or bOy – if yOu want tO be treated Like a king – if yOu dOn’t – all of what yOu haVe will be deStrOyed

gOOdbye, dear eX, I want tO wiSh yOu weLL – even thOugh yOu cut me dOwn by aSking me that – I chOOSe tO fOrgiVe yOu I knOw yOu can teLL – dOn’t make me wiSh I wOuLd’ve dOne cOmbat

✏️ ThiS pOSt waS abOut my eX and the faCt that he waS wanting tO be with me, and he shOuLd haVe knOwn that waSn’t gOing tO happen 🤔 yOur eX iS yOur eX fOr a reaSOn 🙃 prayerS for hiS girL who iS 7-7 1/2 mOnthS pregnant

✏️ I have just recently dicovered (after having a significant light bulb moment during the latter half of this journey) how crucial it was for me emotionally to love myself (and that was a “mini journey” in itself 🥇 read my post titled “Loving YOU is crucial”) and that was the catalyst that reignited the intense burning desire deep within me, the paSSiOn write once again …

✏️ Thank you for reading, commenting and following 📝

Inside the 🌪️ tornado🌪️ thoughts lie …

 

I feel it coming on … this crazy feeling in my brain that won’t go away fast enough … This is a different type of pain …

 

 

 

 

I feel myself starting to shake inside …  I then … sense the high winds of the tornado close by …

 

“I know it will carry me off yet again……”

 

“To what destination” I  wonder… “Where the thoughts are born? Then they lie?”

 

I know it’s because of the fog … The unclear clouds of confusion.

 

Mind over matter worked for me earlier in the day. I put myself in a good mood, I do this every day only for it to be jerked away from me, VICIOUSLY.

 

“I work so hard to stay okay …”

“… why, why, why …”

 

“Is this a dream?”   I wondered, as I ached inside.

 

 

“Will we survive this journey I’m on? We better. You know how I look up to you, hang onto your every word but I just don’t get your mood towards me.” (I said silently to my bfab)

 

“Am I interpreting it wrong or is it real”

my mind tries to scream through the clouds of confusion.

” … is it real …”


no … remember, thoughts lie …”

What happened to the sweet, encouraging, uplifting mood that I’m used to?

 

“Am I not worthy of being bothered with because I don’t matter?”

 

Oh my heart needs a clear view and there is none here … in the clouds rushing around me …

 

I feel that heavy on me like a blanket. I don’t matter  enough to bother, I decided because I was so frustrated!

“Instead of lifting me up, you crushed me, intentionally? maybe not.” I tell myself fervently, so I beg you inside my head …

 

“please don’t make me cry …”

 

Yet you did anyway …

 

The clouds are closing on on me …

 

That’s really on me because of those thoughts in the cloud and …… “I remember those thoughts do lie.”

 

… Nonetheless, that really hurt me inside my heart if I perceived it correctly.  I hoped I didn’t, knowing that certain thoughts will lie …

You are my unsung hero and I need you in my life. I need your encouraging words, your smile and your personality all around me …


“Am I not worth that

bother?” the screams tell me that “thoughts lie” … when the clouds are around, and not to forget … “It will be over soon …”

I’m locked in that confusing fog of clouds not knowing if I matter or not … I beg for a hint of peace to pierce into the fear inside … Gathering myself together the best I can …


” … I’m glad those thoughts lie……..I can’t lose what I found …”

I cherish the fact that you are my best friend and beyond with all of my heart, so please don’t hurt me … I can’t do this alone because I will fail alone (I secretly begged you) … Nobody gets my crazy brain but you, and I cannot see my life unless you are in it …

 

I need you with me and by my side in order to survive whatever this is, enveloping me. In my mind I beg …

 

” … please don’t disappear because of the fog …”

I would not hesitate if the tables were turned, to stand by your side and be supportive of you …

….because that’s just what best friends are supposed to do …

 

“Why aren’t you …”

 

 

“… no answer …”

 

” … thoughts lie … he cares …”

“… remember the clouds will leave …

The one thing I need from you is your smile and you won’t give it …  Is the reason  because I want it so bad … Is that why you keep it from me … That is mean, don’t you see … But your not like that … through the fog I know that … It’s jumbled up because of the thick clouds and tornados of thoughts that creep in …

“Why did you think it was okay for you to be mean towards me, especially now? Or is that my distorted perception ...”

“Are you just holding your kind words back because my soul needs to hear them? On purpose?
This is not like you, I just don’t get it.”


“remember thoughts lie … don’t forget”
“he hasn’t changed, you should know better …”

… frustrated … if not for the clouds I would … “I would know …”

“… I know you care, but you don’t let me see it …”



I’m crushed and no one cares it seems … I think to myself … “just walk on me and step on me, it doesn’t matter … I’m gonna hurt anyway … Why doesn’t anybody hear me …”

I just don’t get it … I’m confused and I know why … yet knowing doesn’t stop it from happening …

… Your making no sense to me … I’m not used to you hurting me …  Never before had you tried … “why now” …


“… damn … these thoughts lie and I see them from inside this tornado …”

  distorted … hazy … warped …

“But do you care? You can’t be like the rest. Please let this be a dream … and I wake up and your sweet … unlike the rest … you are special …

“… so please don’t be the same as everyone else …”


The screaming inside my soul cries …


“… Don’t forget what I’ve said … thoughts lie …”

 

… exhaustion …


” … just leave me be so I can cry in peace. But I don’t care …” It hurts in my belly with hard sharp pains … I’m so tired … through and through …

you have no clue as to how much I need you in my life …

I thought you would always care … but you don’t … At least that is what I feel …

 

… feelings … just like the whirlwind of thoughts … will lie … don’t forget …

“… omg thoughts lie, I almost forgot …”

 

 

The unwanted tangled and distorted thoughts cloud the original ones that are locked in my head … My brain was trying to save me by screaming …

 

“… remember thoughts lie … don’t forget …”

 

“I’m closing my eyes … stay close to me … I don’t want to die … die inside … I mean from a crushed spirit … you don’t crush those … you lift those up … goodnight I’m closing my eyes … stay close please …”

“I need you to forget that I’m in this cloud of swirling winds … I won’t always be … Please stay … Because I know that thoughts do lie … I’m holding fast to the faith that sustains me for that to please be true …”

” … You are the same as before … I’m so grateful for you … goodI was wrong …”

 

... my mind clears and those horrible clouds seem to be lifting now …”

 

” … you stayed … thank you …”


” … thank you …” I silently spoke to the Lord … “for reminding me that those thoughts lied …”This was written during an ADHD anxiety crazed moment … not after … 
I wanted to describe the negative thoughts and the struggle to fight them so others could see what someone battles daily with this disorder.

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adhd anXiety tries to rule … 😵

On the verge … dangerous trepidation … agitates deep inside …

… anxiety tries to rule …

… daily struggles … monotonous … nothing seems to change …

… am I left all alone … in a … fog left by the world … passing me by … never giving me a thought – I’m just sitting alone in my little home …

… anxiety tries to rule …

I can sense happiness just beyond my reach … It’s weird – but I feel things and unlike others … I have those skills you can’t teach … ADHD management is not out of reach …

I’m kinda stuck where I am right now … emotionally, I mean … not in the worst or the best of moods … I just wish I knew how …

… anxiety tries to rule …

To do things in life like everyone else … like go to the store, drive to a friend’s, spend some time at a park just like I used to do … before …

I still have a ways to go – since that light bulb came on … seven months ago – give or take a month … I try not to get withdrawn … as I try to calm my mind with no meds … ADHD runs through my head … running amuck … ripping my brain to shreds …

… anxiety tries to rule …

Holding it together … for what I’m not sure … I’m kinda tired of having to act like I’m so strong … I’m not and when it comes to myself … I’m usually never wrong … ADHD usually won’t allow me to listen to even one song …
Minutes tick by … ever so slow and I get so anxious that feeling doesn’t want to leave … Then I don’t know what to do or where to go …

… anxiety tries to rule …

I try not to think about things, so I just get online … to write or to help someone just to take it all off my mind …

… anxiety tries to rule …

Fake friends around here are a dime a dozen … so transparent in their actions but they think they’re slick … but I can see right through the crap they’re trying so hard to hide … because they may be quick but they ain’t that quick …

In the challenging ADHD moments of anxiety times ten … Much to my chagrin … Scattered thoughts pounding down on me like a hard fast rain … Closing my eyes I try to escape – I was locked in this moment I that being said … I am just gonna have to deal with this pain … ADHD is never going to be tame …

I’ve come a very long way in my journey of seeking self awareness … Wisdom abounds more in my sOuL and beyond … than before and that is a rareness … It’s somewhat similar to a real “self bond” …

Bonding with yourself isn’t easy as you may think … You have to dig deep beyond your inner core … So it all comes together and gets in sync … consistency is the key just practice it more and more …

Overcoming mental disorders take a lot of mental work … some say they want the outcome – but that just means – they just don’t want to put in any hard work … They’d rather just make excuses and be stupid jerks …

Anxiety stunts you spiritually – preventing your emotional growth – causing them to not develop properly … It really sucks having anxiety and ADHD both …

Waiting to be formerly diagnosed … that is hard to do as an adult these days … all I want is help to be normal … ADHD is not just a phase …

… anxiety tries to rule …

I’m not defined by any mental health issues or disorder “thing” … I try to stay away from people in general … for the most part they try to get your ass in a sling …

I’m going to smoke a stick now it takes the edge off… I want to pay attention to my guy… laying next to me … so please don’t scoff … I’ll turn out the light and snuggle up nice and he will snuggle back with me right where I’m supposed to be …

… anxiety ain’t gonna rule …

… living with ADHD is definitely not very cool …

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ADHD/NAMI National Alliance on Mental Illness

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom …”

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💧memories … roll down my cheeks💧

⚡ this post focuses on the fall of 2013, when we lost our home. My son, who was 15 at the time, was forced to move in with his two friends from school and their mom, because of a personal tragedy. I was so thankful they did and I know that God gave them to my son to help him during this pivotal time in his young life. There were rumors spreading faster than the speed of sound about me, in our small rural town. I was called every name in the book and made to feel as if I didn’t care about my son or the house I lost. What nobody saw or understood was that we both had lost our whole life. It was horrific at best. I had to leave town that following January and I moved to a larger town close by. I went to the homeless shelter there to try to pick up the broken and shattered pieces of our life.

💑 This is our story …

.. … dedicated to my amazing son, who is graduating 🎓 this month and the tragedy he faced that started the domino effect, through the obstacles he pushed through on his journey 🏃even after his fathers unexpected death 👤 he pressed on 👲 until the present day 👩‍🚒 This poem focuses on how this bittersweet victory shows how determination 🎓 true love 🌪️ and heartache can anchor your soul 👩‍🎓 driving you to succeed 🙏 against all odds 🎓

“… memories … roll down my cheeks …”

Remembering those memories from before …… of his tiny hands and feet, smiling baby cheeks, and as I remember more memories I picture … his chubby face – full of table food smears, birthday cakes and summer slides, of course popsicles – loved by all …. year after year …

Disdainfully, I cringe away from those dark painful thoughts – feeling a tight knot form in my throat … from hateful impressions … molded by haters … Who saw me as naught ……

The measure of unfathomed love inside me – would have filled close to one thousand worlds …

“my son was my smile simply because … I dreamed him into being, long before he was born ...”

but smiles fade … life’s tests and trials find you and you have no option but to maintain – otherwise there would be nothing to gain …

For reasons I can’t imagine – but liars … haters galore wouldn’t leave my mind … stress magnified probably close to one million times … I was unable to show my heart through my actions not even through my life – it wouldn’t have mattered – haters never care about the truth if they believe they see – they just hate – then lie, so … nobody at all tried to see, just how precious my baby boy was to me.

Our safety – our midnight talks, our schedule – my washing your socks – our dream – EVERYTHING THAT WE’D KNOWN – was gone – stolen outright … just like that – our life was forever removed – those cowards don’t know me but one day they will see – I damn sure will have something to prove …

After that monumental criminal attack – I didn’t allow anyone passage into my heart – not my soul – haters – fakers – thru and thru … users – because of them – I was beginning to grow cold …

.. Remembering precious memories before … of his many first days at school ~ the best outfits we could afford, the happiest of smiles and silly giggles and the joy I felt for him …

I never dreamed of what would soon come our way … years away … It would never

again be okay …

… in fact … suddenly …

… Smiles turned upside down, whirling and spiraling into the summer night breeze …

… transforming into fear, future time would realize that quick separation is near … stunned in the sense that life was unfair –

… crushed under the blanket of confusion mixed with frightened tears …

There was to be no relief in sight … no solace … after our smiles were reversed … I prayed to HIM “please lift this curse …”

” … If only I had known …”

What in the hell – if I would have known then – wtf would I do?

… Remembering memories before … of the beginning teenage years – the person he was yet to be – yet the baby that was right here – staring with his trusting eyes – looking straight at me ...

… Remembering …

… It hurts …

… it’s killing me that I am the cause – of our dream shutting down … I hurt him with my addiction and then … this had to happen to us and just take more away – my boy did nothing that deserved his life to be extinguished that day …
it’s painful to look back – yet … those memories … from years before … were all that I had about our life – that I still adored

I miss the life that was ruthlessly … viciously taken from us and it’s safe to say – I feel like my son probably feels the same way …

I’m not sure if I will ever be free – of the cloud holding – guilt, regret and pain – it comes around less often than it did at the start … I never wanted pity – I totally feel – deserving of those freaks – riding that cloud – ever since my son and I had … no choice but to part …

Suffocating … I cannot breathe as my heart constricts from intense gouging pains – while I recall …

cherished recollections …

… from priceless moments before …

chains from unmemorized tunes … playing furiously in the silent night mist …

Complete brokenness

Regret …

Guilt …

Tears …

Self hate …

… I was beginning to feel the pain leave quite slow … from times featuring minor dull aching thuds – crashing through my defenses – holding back several tons of undiscovered tears …

Frightened … foreboding heaviness – black hearts that clinch my soul …

… penetrating … sliding gracefully … closer … until it settles into the core of your essence … Crippling emotional pain …

… awakens …

… my sOuL …

“God” she cried, as her tear stained face looked up – toward the late night eerie sky …

Please don’t let my little boy lose his love for me …”

She knew he would be moving out soon, there was no other choice – her stomach churned violently – thoughts swarming her brain … Of far away wishes, prayers and dreams … haters would soon claim their win …

~ avoidance – was futile ~

… God saw it best to take my sweet boy away … from my care … soon after that …

It was for his best – I was aware – grateful I was – for the angel family that came from God … I knew that I wanted my boy to stay – “no option dammit” I cried inside – it was for his best – he would be safe, I knew … in their care …

that didn’t stop me from dying inside and feeling …

slicing pain – carefully imploding … behind the space reserved … wait … “he can’t be alone – I can’t either, I need him to much” was her silent, screaming – loud heart’s cry ❤️

ringing – echoing in her head like a trumpet blast …

“Ohhh please Lord … go with him … please keep him free … from heart pain – give it all to melet him be free to be all he can be …”

Gripped in the throes of unnatural fate … Never before had she felt this disgrace …

She almost broke down and felt torn apart but how much more pain – her boy must have felt and was surely in fear … surely he was wanting his mom … he had to be scared … thinking with that fear – simply because she was no longer here …

How could she hold up … after she’d allowed his world to be … ripped … ferociously into shreds – she would somehow make it right …praying hard … with all of her might – praying and pleading … hoping God would agree …

She never again turned to drugs – not after her heart was ripped savagely away, don’t you see … of course rumors flew through town – I was doing everything … cowards cried – from drugs to only God knows what else … to myself I would say – after hearing those lies – I could not fall again – I wouldn’t have him hurting because I’d let him down …

“… not after this – I would from now on refrain …”

UNBEARABLE WAS THIS PAIN – FILLING HER WITH DREAD …

She silently promised her son … that she loved him beyond infinity plus one …

I would do anything to make it right …”

“I never should’ve invited the devil in our home of dreams – I was played well … I never recognized the evil scheme …”

Fear and regret were partners in crime

… attacking me …

… haunting my mind … bringing confusion – confusion brought guilt – guilt filled me with pain … apparently the poison from that beat me down more – yet again …

As she dissolved into tears … Feeling herself break inside, she would never be the same … But in her heart she claimed, that her boy wouldn’t go through this hell “not in vain” … “How would I manage” … she didn’t have a clue … she was shutting down … inside paralyzed … such raw emotions had demolished her sOuL …

“I cannot stand this God … please let this all be a bad dream”

– Signs of the trauma showed all over her face – could be felt by her body actually – she needed some encouragement to help plead her case …

My precious sweet son – I make you this promise that I will hold you inside – so very tight until the time arrives – when you and I reunite and choose together where to live and what school would you like – find a girlfriend and have her over a few times a week – maybe start a real family game night … Until then, my son, please don‘t depart – stay with me … inside – because …

“You are forever… enclosed in my heart”💖

he is close by … in my heart …

my heart slowly cracked – just enough and the broken pieces were not thrown away … but … they hardened inside – there was only one thing that I knew would work – and that meant get down on my knees and pray …

… instead – those enhanced pieces of hardened heart – of far away taunts – unspeakable whispers – telling tales …

… creative yet silent muses – restless anxiety sprang forth in a soft misty spray – while … ignoring the dark places – we had just barely survived – the hell I let inside … swirling thoughts in a whirlwind cloud …

... patiently, I wait – “go away crazy jumbled thoughts” … I’m shaky … while being carried away – by ping pong ideas – animated – not making sense –

I had to gather myself and respectfully utter thanks … I didn’t know then … that our reunion would never take place …

… noone has a clue – the extent of our pain – that was felt intensely – that very dark day … massive guilt covered me – sticking around – weighing close to one thousand pounds …

Missing his face … hurting so bad because I knew – he was better off without me in his life … hateful dark thoughts – unnerved me – taunting me with words that said – I didn’t deserve a place in his life … I didn’t deserve to even be alive …

though I believed – those black thoughts were right – I pushed through daily – ignoring the shame – still nothing came through – no job – nothing at all … but … I couldn’t give up nor would I give in – it was hard as hell – I felt very small …

… during those next few – quite challenging yet detestable years …I never could seem to get up – in this world I feared …

REGRET still haunts me – I miss my precious baby – I love him sooo …

tears … guilt … pain … fear …

filled up my time during the next few years …

Memories … Remembering …

The hate she’d gone through for those haters she’d see … would prove that she had no choice, but to be tough and proceed …

… Remembering memories before … they would sneak passed my eyes slide down over my cheeks, only to be wiped away …

never to be forgotten …

… Regret is a pain that NEVER goes away. I live with it every day …

I own all my wrongs – I just would like this chance – for his permission, you see – for my boy to get to know me … again …

… the real me …

… The woman I am now is who he should have had – as a mom – I have such a desire and hard drive to show him

… how I can inspire and still be …

… who I should have been all along …

“… Do I dare hope?”

… Now, my baby is all grown up handling a busy life of his own …

… my love has NEVER changed from that very first memory day … that started from home … I hope my son knows this – I’ve loved him fiercely ever since he’s been gone …

… Although my feelings may not have been shown …

… in order to completely stake my claim, considering I’m grown …

…. OMG screw haters that say I’d been spouting off lies … sleeping around … smoking dope – I am so sick of being accused – of things I don’t do – just because I was an addict – I’m not allowed to be believed – just judged – juryed – and convicted … “Don’t y’all see, how unfair that can be” … “They wouldn’t see the truth – if it was right in front of their eyes” … “All I want is to be away from haters, cutthroats and folks that are mean – I want to be free …”

… Damn these thoughts …

Demons of emotional disorders, addiction and violence plagued me … through the years … he needed me most …

… That’s why I took all the violent abuse – that showed up in my life … from different people and in distinct harmful ways … I just tried to survive …

SELF DESTRUCTION

Everyone, including myself, thought I’d gotten what I deserved … Still, I catch guilt … It tries to pull me vehemently – away from his heart …

Ohhh God I MISS HIM SO BAD

REMEMBERING

… I just wasn’t the mother I wanted to be or the mom he certainly deserved – but … I silently craved myself to be …

The love in my heart for him, during challenges of past – would hold onto him – through all the stars that the sky did surpass …

“Most have said that I didn’t care because of the road I mistakingly chose to travel … and that’s why our tragedy took place … smfh … It was because I helped the wrong one but I thought I was doing it right …

“But, they didn’t know me nor did they care to see the real me inside – saying hateful things … they were judgemental and assuming – when … all I did was care – so damn much inside …

Where no one could see …

“My sweet baby boy, I will hold you forever … on the inside of me”

“CONGRATULATIONS SON”

💑 This is my amazing son – my heart baby boy, you have all it takes – to be a success at anything you set out to accomplish, there is no doubt. Always believe in yourself – no matter what anyone else may say. You are blessed dear son and you are so smart, funny, sweet, sensitive, determined, loyal, respectful and all around a very cool guy! The definition of “character” is this: the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual. “The concept of character can imply a variety of attributes including the existence of virtues such as empathy, courage, fortitude, honesty, and loyalty, or of good behaviors or habits.”
That definition describes you baby boy! That makes me so proud! Most people, of any age, are sorely lacking these coveted character traits. I’m so proud of you Kennodie, you are and will always be my hero!!! I’m honored to be your mom and although it took a village to raise you – LoL 😀 you went above and beyond any expectations that any of us could have ever imagined for you! I know your Daddy is bragging to everyone in heaven about his awesome son! You have your entire life in front of you and I have no doubt that God will continue to bless you beyond your wildest dreams! 💑 Know that your Moms heart is overflowing with so much love that is just for you. I will ALWAYS be here for you, I’m a phone call away and maybe you can call me more often 😍

Sweetheart ❤️💚💜💙💛

I love you to the Moon and back through to infinity plus one!!!

😊 Please LIKE my FB page dedicated to my babies – MISSING MY BABIES

I have 3 kids and 4 grands 💜 my son is the baby of the family!

💙 Thank you for reading, commenting and following 💚

👁️ simply LoneLy

😞 foreword 🤔 the reality that I’m taking about is the reality that although he’s (my best friend and beyond) not here, I know that he will be back soon, even if it’s not as soon as I would like. But the harshness and pain of loneliness is paralyzing at times.

👁️ Simply LoneLy …

… Emptiness inside – born from the pain that hurts every time – I miss you babe …

that loneliness creates …

… an emptiness created from craving the presence of that special one – that is unlike any other.

We connected INSTANTLY from hearing faint whispers, echoing deep within our sOuL.

… IT HURTS WHEN YOU AREN’T HERE …

Angrily, the brute force of feeling lonely stabs – through to my core slicing more painfully, into my pain while causing hot throbbing aches, while masking the clarity – that’s automatically taken from the safe images from our own reality.

My heart can be felt pounding hard beneath my chest. I’m feeling that torment … intense …

in fact …

I am shushed from hearing the mutters, emulating through the warmth, climbing out from my soul, came the truth born from sweet memories that we shared not to long ago.

I’m not comfortable in this zone, although I do know – the torrid jolts from missing you …

… The chill from the lonesome cry of my soul … pierce me … Knocking the breath that clings tightly and thoroughly, as I notice not the strain but rather the strength rising up …

… fierce devotion …

that’s felt distinctly for you

causing my tears to streak, sliding silently down my face … While focusing on impressions from long ago grace … and as I sit quietly … in my own little world – I remember this and a whole lot more …

I do know this – I know this for sure, since my son finally admitted to loving me more!

I remember …

that I hate … remembering …

… remembering alone …

;-(

… thankfully when this all took place – those deep thinking – awareness were deep and within God’s grace!

it’s searching …

for the ONE whose absences fills my heart with unforgiving emptiness, searing sharp pains yet I desperately try to regain some control.

Laughing sadly to myself, I know it hurts – when you yearn for someone’s presence – you miss with all your might …

Will I ever survive, fighting these pains that could certainly break me away?

Away from loneliness, because he told me …

Feeling that way is a waste …

… Then he smiled at me, and made my heart smile – while standing right in front of my face!

The mask covers me trying to hide reality – through the pain created by being lonely … and lonely covers me – with a dark blanket of intimate suffering … from yearning thoughts stemming from my core while craving your presence and so much more!

As I peer through that cloudy mask for a check on myself, it becomes virtually impossible for reality to make it’s way to where my soul can see – that’s the reality of deep loneliness indeed!

I don’t need a lot of people that are fake through the storms of life – the lonesomeness blinds me …

… hiding the truth – away from the harshness that my soul can see ~ I do so ache for REALITY.

Reality means that although you aren’t here – this very time – memories tell me that – the realness is when you get out of a bind and make a trip back, just to be with me here!

Yes, although right now your not physically around, due to work and issues that happen when life is abound …

Yet, once I hear you back up to my place, the excitement bursts from deep within and all the exploding from areas not while the song that’s inside my soul screams …

” … he’s here

You keep the emptiness and loneliness at bay … They slither to the corner, hissing at me, claiming to be bored and want me to play … Yet your presence clears the way that is free and the way you care keeps …

… ALL THE BAD THINGS AWAY FROM ME …

… Really wanting you close … Remembering your honesty, your loyality and trust – combined with hope

I SMILE … AS I REMEMBER THOSE DAYS …

knowing soon you’d be pulling up right here in my yard …

and we …

…will remember …

… That I’m remembering … I’m with you … I remember the fact …

… For once I’m not remembering alone …

😉

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Finding your best friend and beyond… dedicated to my exclusive guy – my bfab

❤️ Thank you for reading commenting and following 💚

A REAL MAN

I’ve been asked, “How do you know he’s not living a separate life and staying loyal to you”?

“Especially when he’s not around for two weeks, sometimes more, at a time?”

It angers me when someone that doesn’t even know you says to me, “You don’t KNOW for sure he could be talking to others on the phone”, … then leave me dangling.

But I know you aren’t talking nor are you hanging out with other females, because you would tell me if you were.

How do I know ~ I know this because I’ve told you how it would hurt me. I just believe you when you tell me you aren’t. “Your a real man. Am I wrong?”

They call me NAIVE for truly trusting you. That you are doing those things when away from me. I simply cannot picture you doing that because your not a mean or sneaky person. They have no right to categorize you in with all the others.

They don’t understand a real man like you because they are close minded and believe all men are the same as one that hurt them or because they themselves are NOT a real man. I’ve been hurt to, but still I know that’s …

… not true … about you …

I get mad because that type of crap makes my thoughts go crazy and wanna doubt you but I fiercely push them aside.

Holding onto WHAT YOU’VE TOLD ME. “Your a real man. Am I wrong?”

Deep down I DO know that you wouldn’t hurt me or disrespect me in that way. Neither of us have deviated from that the way we discussed it originally and you are a man of your word. “Your a real man. Am I wrong?”

But they say, I’m stupid for believing you. I don’t care because my gut tells me your true to me. “I know your a real man. Am I wrong?”

I would have never believed loyality existed before I met you, that someone could be true, honest and straight up.

Yet, after meeting you, I know your that one in a million and would never stoop that low because you respect me more than that plus, I know for you its also a matter of inner character …

… Because your a REAL man, and to kind-hearted to hurt and I would already know if you weren’t,

by your eyes, because that’s something you cannot hide. A real man that is because A REAL man, has a heart.

They can say whatever they want but I know “Your a real man. Am I wrong?”

“Thank you for being A REAL MAN”!

This was written in honor of my bfwb!

Please Like my fb page FINDING YOUR BEST FRIEND WITH BENEFITS dedicated to my bfwb!

Similar posts about my bffwb:

Where does the love go

Tears falling down

Beyond the score of normal

NEVERLAND

Why

Just maybe

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray

❤️ Thank you for reading, commenting, and following 💚

remembering alone

In my world, I sit and I remember … long ago days – days that don’t even seem real to me now.

Was that me? I can’t picture me in that situation – Yes, that’s me. How did I ever live through that?

It feels like someone else lived that life, but no, it was me … I remember.

I’ve grown inside and past days no longer bring hurt, but they have brought self awareness, while showing me how much I’ve grown on the inside …

… as I remember …

… Forever … That’s what it felt like ~ like it took me forever, to grow inside and be at peace within my soul.

Older now, there’s so damn much I lost way back then – but after a while – it would take years – I gained myself in return, once I made the first step to search for myself and maybe one day soon, that will all balance out …

… future hope …

Sighing deeply, I know that everything happens for a reason. We may or may not know what that reason is but mark my words

… and trust this fact …

…there is a reason for everything we go through.

( … we go through challenges in life, not for ourselves but to help other people that may be in a situation we were once in …)

Remembering … I lost almost everything I had back then … Hopelessly younger and yet producing invalid resolutions –

Sadness always trying to overwhelm my soul, because you see … I’m now finally becoming me. The me I was always supposed to be! My babies don’t know me and know them I do not

– not yet –

We could start fresh – it’s possible and yes – I want them to know the me I just found – the me I am now – this really cool me, that should have always been around – for both of my kids …

I’m finally me ~ that means I’m free – free deep inside of me and that pain has a key – and that key would be – the key that would keep me quite safe from reprieve.

Looking back, I was just grateful then – for getting out with my sanity and my life. I seriously can’t see clearly who that person is – who lived with my name back then that loved her children so small in each of their tales however, different then!

Why does it have to be me that does without her heart? That’s what they are – my heart – People saw me wrong, they always did, so what did I ever do so bad that this LOSS would be my punishment? Living with the thought of losing them for real – was the closest thing to hell on earth that I ever did feel … and with folks whispering hatefully in secret, thinking I would not hear, as they died how sorry I was. Rumors exploded telling the tale – that I never loved those kids and became the favorite mantra and jeer! That was NOT THE CASE, no matter the scenario or what took place … I loved my children more than anything in this world – I screamed to them all, as I pleaded my case.

My actions proved to be the catalyst for haters to grasp, clutching the reins, stating to all that I was a complete disgrace.

smdh …

how I made it through doesn’t matter at all but more importantly was this – how did those two, especially my son, get through the pain of me being gone … and did he feel that I no longer cared? The knowledge inside that he may – crushes my spirit that is life, because my love for him … Knows no bounds …

That is what keeps me awake late at night – i would wonder with tears that are stuck in my throat – the pain his little heart carried around, with fear close by – why was his mom not here by his side?

I remember regretfully that those needed lessons I learned – had taken years to sink through to where my integrity lived – for them to be embedded and placed deep in my soul.

It took longer still, for me to believe and also trust that those lessons learned … Maybe could somehow fix – any mistakes that had come, mostly being born from my biggest conflicts.

the wait was quite long for me to accept, forgive then love, the me that belonged – that me belonged here instead of this me … through the maze that I did see ~ searching my way – as though I was blind, yet I prayed so hard so that it could just blow his little mind ..

… Still longer it took … For me to learn how to finally love the true me I had found – IDK how I lived, through the pain of losing my heart and the fear settling in … Once – not to long ago – I embraced the pain that was raw from thoughts of my kids – mainly my son – I begged God that he would not lose the love or the trust … He had just for me …

… tears slowly remembering the path of the pain – with vivid recollection of those long ago days – I would have sold my soul to evil if it would have brought him to live with me, but in that pit, inside of me, that was to deep it seems – may get the better of me. I felt in my heart with my gut saying how true – thinking to myself, how little I knew wondering maybe inside how I was feeling would be – pretty hard to face – yet still my tears fell, streaking it all but with precision and grace.

My baby … I needed to state would probably be better off without me. I knew he was way better off – without me. I’d forever been told what a bad parent I’d be, in the months and years before that – it was drilled in my head – I was no good and was trash. I was also informed I would never, not ever, amount to much …

Nobody knows my soul or my heart including my measure of pain – How much I cried for my son in the earliest days … I sensed within – I needed to pick myself up and never fall –
not ever again.

It may take me years, I eerily thought
Facing the fact, that I must go on – a self awareness search for me – the me I was supposed to have been then, indeed! Locating the space inside me – where forgiveness was just a central trait, yes I did see – where acceptance would rule saving me in part – Falling in love with the me – I would be for my two precious hearts. I could start my self journey right away –
I had to take these steps yet I wasn’t quite sure – but wherever it may lead – ever how long it may take – doesn’t matter unless my baby boy can see …
and what I for him, my very own son, doesn’t show most times – as we know because it’s hiding behind a great wall we both know. My wall keeps pain born out of guilt, overseeing and keeping it from sticking like filth …

“as my sOuL cries …”

while inside – I’m moving forward, so that there will not be one doubt – in my son’s fragile mind and also his heart – as life seems to know nothing – but rushing about. My journey unfolds – I’m in awe you see – the life flavors he catches with clarity – he can actually see …

… Me. The me I now show and in showing control and having never let go – this me is way more cherished, more than diamonds or gold! I was like a sponge, soaking in a hot steamy tub and … then I was seeing all I could see –

I had finally gained more than self control over sadness, depression and HIV – ADHD coming from the rear, diabetes 2 stands away from the others so near, also my eyes and I have been told – are legally blind – yet COPD laughs saying … Don’t forget mine! Those do not define anything that I am … As long as I can love, truly love me – there’s nothing else I care about except self love for myself …

UNCONDITIONALLY

Me loving me was the hardest thing – hardest thing I would ever do – I recalled that pain flowing heavily from my eyes … In loving the me that was causing this strife – I ached for those babies in that awful past space – to please forgive the me who just didn’t know … A person born with a dazed and crazy brain also having a mom that certainly kept me in pain. It was never about me, and the only way I could push through and survive – no matter what my baby was told … all I ever did – was cry inside – begging God for those kids to refrain, from turning ice cold …

Time … it’s a precious gift I know now … we can never replace it once it passes … it never comes back –

Always remember that and think twice – pray hard and remember to Whom you belong!

I’m at peace inside of the real me today, although I think back to those days filled with fear – I’m not that me, not anymore … but hints of misery and from being afraid – taught me bright brutal truths that I would never – again ignore

No – I would never ignore … No – not anymore …

I had to maintain control of my emotions no doubt, guilt was heavy with feelings and wanting to shout – I was grieving the loss of my son while he’s still around. No wonder I felt like I deserved abuse, that I would receive in future rounds . Once, just recently I’ve seen – how it feels to finally be free, from guilt and crushing pain slamming down on top of me. I struggle daily because of the fact that I need for my hero, my son is for him to see – and that is my heart, through all of the steps that I managed to take … moving toward loving myself – in spite of the hurt I held like a pro – the sweetest little boy who grew up in front of my eyes: from my small son who I hold treasured memories for … to the 19 year old

that has made me so proud

I once begged God to please let me live, just long enough for my kids to see – being open inside for my wishes indeed – knowing how my son is just like me – no matter what he may tell himself to believe. My actions have shown now recently – I want the real me to make him perceive and discern that I am finally the me I should be.

Please let him draw close and feel comfortable and see without putting pressure on any part of the scene … I want him to see in the past and just this once let my love be a giant force while earning his trust.

I realized I was grieving my son though he were still alive and the guilt that I housed would infect me instead. He would need to know, much later on, when he was grown wondering what he’d done wrong for me to be gone. He may wonder – Did she miss me and did she cry for me as I did for her?

God allow him to know – while no doubts would be shown – I’d done everything that was expected of me. I knew little that I was supposed do and that entire time he was separated from me … Through mistakes and past wrongs showing to all – my actions were saying one thing and I hid away the other, pressing through, despite being hated on times ten … God, please let my baby boy love me again.

I missed him greatly, with a pain he’d never know – could she keep herself from showing her indifference? She glowed …

with the thought that Kenno, in the days that will come – would be shown her heart – that missed him – her prayer was actively answered indeed – he was going to be blessed to unveil the big plea, that he’s facing his freedom that was overshadowing me!

Yes, every night for years long past, I would cry heavy tears with gut wrenching pain – slicing through to the midst speaking prayers for God to take my son’s hurt for it to never remain.
I cried when I would think of you – innocent and sweet – how blatantly uncool for his mom to forsake.

I’m writing this so my heart and actions be shown – to my baby boy who is super smart – while deep down he discerned his mom’s moves way back at the start – and knew instantly the love she held tightly for him – never left her feelings as long as baby boy was at peace, since he finally knew, all those years ago, mom was more frightened than me? She loved me no matter what her past actions would show? And it would appear that she was not cold blooded I knowI FINALLY see and discern just for me, that she truly – to the Moon and back – really loved me!

Memories come alive …

~ animated in my head ~

tears are streaking silently down my face … I’m focusing on impressions from long ago grace … and as I sit quietly – in my own little world, I remember this and a whole lot more …

I do know this – I know this for sure, since my son finally admitted to loving me more!

I remember …

that I hate … remembering …

… remembering alone …

;-(

… thankfully when this all took place – the deep thinking – awareness thoughts – were within God’s grace!

❤️I’m referring to my son (or when I briefly mention my kids) when I talk about “my heart …”

💙 Read “my SouL cries” (part one is the link) … a three part series to completely understand ME and what’s up!

💜 Like my fb page that I created because I miss my babies!

❤️ Thank you for reading, commenting, and following 💚

Just maybe …

… Progression … little by little … I’m moving closer to the me that’s deep in my soul.

Floating, with tears falling and seeing no end … I’m there smiling because I know what it took,

To make it where I am presently. Strong, yet fragile … holding inside what most couldn’t handle …

On the outside … struggling though no one saw, barely making everything seem normal to those around.

Not a lot of distance between us … and, I can’t help but daydream about you in many suggestive ways …

Suggestions appear in my head, maybe your thinking about me?

… I desire you, pondering about me, for any amount of time. I would smile, then cry with happy tears,

But do you ever really just think about me and how you like my smile? my laugh? my kiss? my touch? … Crazy!

Over and over thoughts turned in my brain, in wonderment at YOU getting into me … was it possible?

I do hope it was an accurate wish. Secretly, my daydreams turn into you …

Stars fall down from the sky, twinkling their fire … gazing up watching them descend past the darkness,

Progression … I feel the blood race to my face, I cannot hide what you draw out of me,

passion … passion …

Igniting my soul with a flame higher than the clouds … Oh yes, you’re in most every thought that’s

Floating down, passing up all the rest … In my heart. There will not be others taking up room

Inside my head … Only you, your smile, your smirk, your eyes, your voice, and your personality combined …

With sexual tension, growing daily, between … hotter than hotter … distance …

Are you maybe, just maybe having thoughts about me?

That would be possibly the most awesome thing

To happen … Progression … I’m dealing the only way I know how,

Dangling, was me in the tree … It’s all about you, even when it’s about me because I’m all about you … haven’t you seen?

Progression is advancing toward the process of advancement. Although you … standing by me, thick or thin … Hero!

It’s never there, I’m painfully aware, in my life … You’re hanging sometimes far back from me,

Accepting … but silently my heart smiles, grateful for your eyes … they tell the truth ~ no place to hide.

Loyal yet sexy, still they show more than you really know, or else you would put sunglasses

On and just walk on out.

They show what we have, what I’m always daydreaming about … some part of your presence

That fills me up, screaming your name and your eyes … They show me a lot deep in your soul, you may not want me to see

But I “feel” it and those fiery eyes tell me you do, for real, care more than a lot, about me …

Just maybe, you will see that as okay, nothing will change. I’m falling down … inside my head,

Breathing rapidly … Seeing strength and allowing pain, to sear through me

Showing me, I would be crushed in my soul, if you ever disbarred …

In my greater old age. See, I’m going to need you for as long as I’m alive in this place …

Progression sees the beyond that we have between, grinning and at peace, finally inside.

If not you stay, that’s a defeat … In my mind, my heart, my emotions yet will …

It come out, in other places? Only those eyes, they tell your soul, when they are staring me down … With you pressing down on me

I tell you … to …

dive deep into my soul …

Where there are no lies, and I can see yours, from your beautiful eyes …

💋 LIKE my Facebook page I created in honor of my bfwb!

😊 Other posts about my bffwb:

A real man

Where does the love go

NEVERLAND for mature readers

Tears falling down

The imprint of you on my heart

Beyond the scope of normal For mature readers

Why

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray

💚 Thank you for reading, commenting and following 💙

Tears running down … 💧

The tears are not going to stop, they are running down my face.

My soul cringes,

knowing the tears will make the thoughts come alive.

Forever searching inside,

grabbing myself from deep inside

trying to hold it back

The need for reassurance is there

I must share my head with you,

it’s a must, guessing is not an option

Understand that it hurts

when you flippantly tell me that it’s none of my business…

try to “see” where I’m coming from,
Put your head where mine rests… Being afraid that one day you will say…
I’m hanging out with a new friend.

Crushed beyond reason is what I’d be

If that were to happen.

That’s why all you have to do is tell me

where your head is, because guessing is dangerous for me.

I need your honesty, not your anger,

Your acceptance, not your mean words….

Your understanding, not your condemnation.

Your reassurance, not your rude comebacks…

Because those are so unlike you… You are defensive for no reason,

Haven’t I earned

That much respect, and

haven’t I been true in our best friendship thus far?

It’s not you reporting, it’s simply YOU being kind to the one who is kind to you.

Reassurance would stop it all…

Please don’t keep it from me….

It’s not me trying to control you, it is YOU being

considerate of your bfwb…

that needs to be told, gently, that

No one is taking her place.

Reassurance would stop it all…

Those thoughts…

Dead in their tracks.

I don’t get why you won’t do that

just to help,

To make it easier…

Especially bc I’m trying very hard

To continue to trust.

Don’t make me pay with tears

because you know how much I care.

My heart is pretty fragile

but you think it’s made of steel…

It’s hard when negative

Enters in,

To continue to trust …. while reassurance would

Be so welcomed for needed peace,

Inside my heart.

What would it really hurt?

To tell me what’s up?

If you know how I mean it…

It’s for reassuring comfort, deep down inside me.

Other posts about my bffwb:
Where does the love go

NEVERLAND for mature

readers

A real man

Just maybe

Tears falling down

The imprint of you on my heart

Beyond the scope of normal for mature readers

Why

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray

13 proven ways to improve your soulful, sexual and naughty relationship with your partner 💕 💕💕 fyi 💕💕💕 (revised)

💕 I believe that the naughtier the couple, the closer the bond, in an erotic and soulful and sensual way that’s unlike any other.

This type of bond is very hard to break. That coupled with two people that have a basic solid foundation (meaning: honesty, 100% trust, being trustworthy, loyal, being faithful and showing respect) and tripled with the fact that they also practice these attributes in their every day relationship, make your relationship and sex an UNBEATABLE COMBINATION!

I’ve proven all these different techniques are true in my own life!

Here are 13 proven ways to improve your relationship by getting naughty with your partner:

1) HONESTY AND COMMUNICATION: They let the other one know EXACTLY where their head is at! (Where you will discuss anything between yourselves so you both know what’s up with each other).

(By doing this, it will stop a lot of wondering about things like: “do they love me”, “are they cheating”, etc….?)

It will also stop a lot of accusations and so forth …

It just simply helps both to feel free enough to have complete trust for each other.

That trust is a major part of your foundation, as well as communication being yet another.

2) TALKING DIRTY: Communication is especially important and essential during your sexual encounters. Naughty talk is a huge turn on, for men and women alike. Embarrassed to talk dirty to your partner? Don’t be.

Isn’t it better to TRY naughty and dirty talking in hopes of enjoying it and bringing your relationship closer and be more intimate as a couple, or do you want to just stay as you are right now sexually?

Don’t you like it when your significant other talks naughty to you? I know I love it!

Just try it because you just may just like it and find it completely and totally arousing!

3) NAUGHTY SEXTING: dirty and naughty sexting is a huge turn on. Ladies send your partner a pic of your boobs or a sexy pic of all of you. Men love that and would welcome it during a hard day at work. Jus sayin’!

Men, sext to your partner all the things you want to do to them the next time you see them. Don’t send dick pics unless requested. Words flatter us, but back those words up!

4) USE TOOLS: The Bad Girls Bible (link below) can also be used as a tool during foreplay 💕 Find something you would like to try, for example: a sensual, erotic and slow all over full body massage, etc.

Click this link to see all the awesome sexual things you can try together.

5) USE PROPS: Make it fun, sexy, erotic and tantalizing for each other. Add candles by placing them around the room, have some baby oil or massage oil on hand to rub your partner down during that erotic and sensual massage, or use your imagination.

6) GIVE SENSUAL MASSAGE AS FOREPLAY: Ladies and gentlemen, start with the back and legs, work your way slowly all the way around to his front. They will already be squirming, so titillate them, tease and play with them, drive them to their knees (so to speak). I love it when I make my guy moan. It’s so incredibly seXy and makes me crazy with desire. It also makes me want to search for different ways to make him cry out in that seXy way again. Am I right people?

It’s VERY hot ✌️

7) FOOD FUN DURING FOREPLAY: Serve some finger fruits such as: strawberries or grapes. Add whip cream as a fun dip (you can surely have A LOT of fun with this!!!) and take turns feeding each other.

This can get STEAMY very quick!

Ladies, then get messy with it and smear it all over his private area and slowly lick it off him, one section at a time, teasing him relentlessly! Bring your partner to the brink of climax and stop ~ it will make it bigger and better when they finally do climax!

Men, you can also spread it all around your partner’s private area and lick it off so they will be squirming and begging for more …..

💕fyi: See, by this time he (or she) is so turned on, they grab you and ravage you hopelessly! That is what makes you sexually melt and fully give yourself to your lover!
I know it makes me literally melt and I’m like a rag doll, having one orgasm after another without even trying.

8) SET THE TONE: Have some sexy music playing. Personally, the slow and sexy hip hop songs make the mood sexy, but choose whatever type of music that’s going to enhance YOUR sexual mood.

💕fyi: In all my discussions with a variety of people about this subject, not one person claimed to have listened to heavy metal, classic rock or even country during hot and naughty sex.

Those generes of music are not usually synonymous with feeling sexy or naughty. I happen to agree with that. So find something with a slow but seXy beat that makes the passion burn inside you. It will deeply enhance the spicy tone, already floating in the air.

9) SPEAK UP DURING SEX: (This is mostly for the LADIES) Men love it when their partner tells them exactly what they want from him during sex. This turns men on BIG-TIME! It really gets their primal juices flowing in anticipation knowing what is going to happen!

💕fyi: When a partner is enjoying what they are doing, that is a MAJOR turn on to the receiver.

Try it, don’t be shy! Your man is going to have YOU on his mind a lot after this! Isn’t that reason enough to try this and other things?

10) ORAL SEX: Men also NEED for their women to give EXCELLENT blow jobs …. “Just do to it what you would want done to yours, if you had one.” That’s what I do and most definitely swallow. A blow job without the swallowing is not a good blow job. It is lacking something from a man’s viewpoint.

Ladies, I know that you don’t want your man to think of you and have the picture of unfulfilled sex in his mind.

Do you?

No, you want him to think of the EXCELLENT blow job you gave him the night before or the sexy foreplay ideas you tried on him to make his toes curl! You want him to think sexually positive when it comes to you. So, do your best with the swallowing. My guy tastes like cotton candy, and I love it!

💕fyi: If you don’t enjoy giving your man a blow job or you refuse altogether, there’s a good chance he could go looking for that naughty fix from someone else’s mouth. I’m just being real here and that may be a RAW sensitive statement but it’s true. Most men WILL get that taken care of one way or the other. So, wouldn’t you want it to be from you?

💕fyi: don’t give a boring blow job by just going up and down, no, lick him all around on his testicles and he will love it! Swirling your tongue around on his penis is much more of a turn on.

So, if you want to keep your man wanting YOU and thinking of YOU sexually ….. Put your mouth to work!

💕fyi: Make the initial bj last for at least 3-5 minutes before you take a breather. If you are using all your mouth muscles, you should have tired jaws at this point. (If your giving it your all)

Then after a couple minutes (while you are stroking him to keep him interested while your gathering your momentum) keep it up for another 3-4 five minute rounds, this will be winding him up and getting him ever so HOT in the process.

Men, give your partner oral sex, don’t just expect them to give it to you. Make her CRAZY and let her “cum” to new heights because of your skills. She will always have you on her mind if you do this consistently!

11) LADIES wear revealing clothes, (no matter what your size.) When something makes you “feel” sexy, it will scream “sexy”outwardly! Men love sexy outfits and you don’t have to spend a lot of money. Rip some of your old t shirts and make them sexy.✌️They love this and it also gives you guys extra sexual communication time, as well as help your verbal skills in the naughty department! (If they have been lacking in that crucial area)

There are to many couples that just do not talk to each other.

How can you expect sex to be HOT if you can’t even talk to each other? Come on y’all! It may take work but it’s FUN WORK!

12) EXTRA HELP: If you would like to add even more spice, bring something to calm you and release your inhibitions.

Go ahead and pour yourselves some of your favorite drink or maybe a little 4:20 is what you prefer, to calm and settle you into the beyond seXy moment. Allow yourselves to just “chiLLax” and play!

13) EROTIC THINGS YOU CAN DO TOGETHER: A lot of men, ladies too, enjoy mutual masterbation. This is one way to heat things up real fast! It’s a really huge turn on for both parties. Don’t be shy, let your drink or your roll chill you out, while you get your dildo and then show him how good you can work it on yourself. It’s guaranteed that the men will like this one. Ladies, watch him stroke his while you are doing this. THIS IS A HUGE TURN ON!

💕fyi: You can also record yourselves doing this. You can tantalize and tease your partner by shooting them a copy during their work day. They won’t be the same after you do this.

The list is actually endless with the things you can try. The Bad Girls Bible site will have some sexual activity that catches your eye, just you wait and see!

Have a blast together!!!

You will have your partner addicted TO YOU if you keep these proven suggestions up steadily for any given amount of time.

I challenge you to try these tips, or any others you may learn about for one month, on an unremitting basis.

Try spacing all of the above activities out (at different times throughout that month) and I promise, you will see the difference in your sexual relationship!

You will feel closer and bonded in a way that you never have before.

Not to mention, it will bring you that much closer in the emotional part of your relationship. It’s a win-win situation!

(LADIES & GENTLEMAN ……..Are you up for this challenge?)

Only when sex and soul “cum” together and happens will your (and your partner’s) “beast” be unleashed and unbridled!

Practicing these tips consistently will bring your sex and soul together!

It may take a while for this to occur, however, do not rush it. That will ruin everything. It will NEVER happen if you rush. Just simply ENJOY YOUR JOURNEY 💕 to those sexual heights and where your partner is taking you.

Let me know how your first encounter goes!!!

Leave a comment below !!!

💕CHECK out my FB page that’s dedicated to my bfwb 💕 and LIKE IT!

✌️✌️ Also my FB page for awareness on LEGALIZATION of 4:20

💛 Thank you for reading, commenting and following 💜

Sleepless in Texas ✌️

I’m undiagnosed and untreated with adult ADHD and it’s progression has worsened, especially within the past three to six months. I don’t know why. I’m just familiar with my body emotionally and physically, and both areas are freaking out more than ever.

I’ve silently suffered from ADHD my entire life. There were some times that were worse than others; however, recently has been the worse time of all.

I think to myself, “Yay, in my early golden years I get to put up with this craziness magnified. I’m so scattered and I know that people can see the crazy old lady I am perceived to be. Great, I think to myself. Perfect.

I know others are sick to death of hearing me complain about my undiagnosed state as well as being untreated. They have been sweet not to say anything, but “I’m afraid they may leave if I keep it up, like all the others in my past”. Paralyzing thoughts. Yay 👌 thank you ADHD. Your thoughts will lie to you. It suxxx.

I have a very small circle including my landlady (who is a very good friend), my BFWB, and my platonic male friend Kenny. That’s about it. I have a very small circle. Less drama and less people judging me, and less people to screw me over. I’ve had my fill of those types in my life, no more for me

I know people would think I was mental if I were to go out in public. I have let myself go physically and I’m ashamed.

I mistakingly thought I could overcome it with mind over matter but boy, was I totally wrong. I used to be so pretty now I feel like a troll 🙄

My sleep patterns are non- existent and wacky, for lack of a better word.

I do have my crazy moments though, real talk! Focusing only through writing and the lessons learned about my mistakes in life.

The fact that I can’t control a lot of this scares me but what can I do? Nothing, but move forward the best I can, praying for the day I can afford to see a clinic or Doctor that will treat me.

Long story short, my clinic is a sliding scale government funded clinic and they told me they didn’t prescribe stimulants nor did they have funding to test for ADHD.

I could bear and handle the symptoms, for the most part, until three to six months ago. They became worse and almost unbearable. I’ve struggled big-time ever since as if it were brand new to me.

I’ve worked harder on this blog site and content than I ever have with anything else! There is an almost explosive drive behind me, keeping me going with little sleep for days. I’m exhausted, excited, scared, anxious and distant all in one. But I keep plodding along until my battery runs out altogether.

Conquering my addiction was easier than dealing with this, I believe.

The ADHD explains the addiction, because I was addicted to cocaine. A stimulant (ADHD is treated with synthetic methamphetamine – which is a simulant as well) and I was unconsciously self medicating I’m sure in hopes of feeling “normal”.

Cocaine does not treat ADHD to any real degree. (maybe take the edge off and numb your emotions so you don’t feel the effects of ADHD symptoms) That’s why I felt little relief while getting hooked in the process. I’ve been clean over five years. That was only after five horrible relapses but I was not one to give up, so I kept trying to stop and finally I did.

I need relief and soon from this emotional hell.

Tomorrow is another day in which I really need to clean my house. Another one of ADHDs symptoms at work. These emotions can paralyze you into not being able to do anything. Sometimes, I can push through that and other times I simply cannot.

I was blessed to have RAW determination that has gotten me through my weakest points. I never know how I’m going to make it, but somehow I just do.

I’m grateful today for the revelations in my personal growth, but I need a break to rest.

LIKE my Facebook page for help and info for living with ADHD and other stigma related diseases, disorders and lifestyles: https://www.facebook.com/stopandkillthestigma/

The imprint of you on my heart

Ohhhh, have I gone to far in my need of you?

Life is to scary without your presence … I want your attention, your recognition that I matter…

Life tried to change me and I struggle to deal but your hand has always been there, for me.

Hoping you will stay patient one more time,
with my moments of
deep revelations I have inside ❤️ screaming at myself inside to stop the negative thoughts…

So you won’t leave me floating in the wind.
I’m satisfied, I tremble and as I glance at you,
Are you satisfied? I wonder, shamefully. I would do anything for you… Please don’t leave.

Thoughts swirling so fast
Prayers for you to understand, please stay or I will die inside.

Fear abounds but I say

NO MORE
It screeches to a halt…

I already knew, deep down past the fear. You’ve never let me down.

I know I can never lose you … Or else I would be lost.

💕LIKE my fb page that is dedicated to my BFWB 💋

Other posts about my bfwb: Where does the love go

NEVERLAND for mature readers

A REAL MAN

Just maybe

Tears falling down

Beyond the scope of normal for mature readers

Why

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray

Caught between struggling and serenity

I’m in a place that is serene mixed with disarray. I wonder if anyone else understands what I mean by that?

I am I’m the process of learning a lot about myself for the first time in my life and it’s an incredible experience, I must say! It’s scary yet it is very surreal as well.

I’m dealing with a few health issues at the moment.  Adult ADHD which is undiagnosed and untreated, diabetes 2, COPD, and that’s it for now. I’m also in the process of quitting smoking. I’ve got a lot going on and the progression of the ADHD had gotten worse over the last few months and it’s been very difficult to live with.

I’m not very old and in my mind I’m very young but I suppose in the general scheme of things, I’m aging but I know where it counts, I won’t ever grow up, thankfully! I try daily to be positive and focus on helping myself and others.

Life is full of surprises that’s for sure and if your not paying close attention you may miss the lessons you are supposed to learn. I know I missed a lot in my life I was supposed to learn because I wasn’t listening. I’m just thankful that I learned any lessons at all. I was a late learner, but at least I didn’t quit until I learned and gained wisdom. My best friend and guy helps me a lot and I suppose I’m too dependent on him but he handles me like a champ.

So, this crossroads is a weird place to get in life but I can feel it’s very necessary in order to move forward. I’m just reaping what I had sown in the past. Bad decisions can ruin your life.

Is this something I can bounce back from? I wonder this deeply inside, God, I hope so because I have the faith inside that I can. I don’t know where it comes from but it is always there. Not allowing me to quit.

I’m apprehensive now because I know I’m very fragile emotionally.  I’m good in general; however, I just need to be aware of that fact and be gentle with myself. (We tend the be hard on ourselves and that could keep us from moving forward in and itself, so watch how you treat yourself. Others abuse us, please don’t abuse yourself too).  I will have too get through this, somehow.

Sheer determination grips my heart ❤️ showing me that it is in control. I can’t sleep but I can write and focus on answering questions on QUORA and promoting my blog in hopes to make money soon with it.  I’m driven, hard, even in the throes of insomnia.  It helps me to help others when I’m feeling this way.  It drives me, yet I’m exhausted to my bones.

There must be no other option, I must survive this. I’ve never quit before I won’t start now.

I tell myself it will all be okay and this to shall pass ✌️ now I have too believe it.

*Look for my Facebook pages that focus on the STIGMA of living with ADHD and addictions and recovery as well. https://www.facebook.com/stopandkillthestigma/
https://www.facebook.com/steppingintorecoverywithJesus/

Would TRUE LOVE allow you to cheat?



Here is a story about one of my many surfs through quora.com. I like helping people who I look for issues I’m qualified (from life experiences) to address.




My RAW thoughts today are about cheating. As I coasted through quora.com earlier, I answered a couple questions about cheating so I thought I would see what your RAW thoughts were about this sensitive yet emotionally harmful subject well as share myself RAW thoughts with you! 

Cheating confirms that pure love does not exist in the mind or heart of its enforcer.
Sorry but I’m just being for real.

This revelation has burst open me from the inside out of my core on one thing God has intended me to learn from this difficult road i allowed life to put me on.

⭐The lesson here is too be genuine and respectful worth your partner.  Leave before you cheat, try watering your own grass at home and keep it rich and happy.  “My partner doesn’t give me what I need sexually” is the most common reason for cheating. Well you know what? What you do is make him/her naughty and felt intriguing by you. There are plenty of sites for tools that will do just that. Try http://www.badgirlsbible.com for tips from AMAZING foreplay, massages, blow jobs, what excites men and women, ideas for hotter sex.
If this doesn’t work then I suggest you get out of the relationship.

You should not have to “try” anyway, because I feel that if it is true love, then it will come naturally. It’s just that simple!

Knowing what true love really makes you feel inside it is no longer a mystery to me. It’s a reality that God blessed me with to take me higher on the journey yet to be.




If you were ever in TRUE LOVE with someone would you be able to bring yourself too cheat on them? Honesty please. Why? Because it is too serious to play games with someone’s heart.

I feel that only people that have experienced pure true love can really answer but i welcome all answers from everyone. If you have you think about whether or not you have experienced this rare feeling then chances are no, you have not.  Your probably experiencing lust.  That won’t last and you will get hurt, promise.

I have been blessed enough to have experienced true love in my young golden years. The knowledge of what I found was mind blowing because the love in is pure form is so beyond the love we know.

❤️ It was worth the wait believe me. My answer is a definite NO I could NEVER BRING myself to cheat on someone that has brought out the pure love in me, sexually and otherwise..

How do I know, well explanations are futile but it’s because I just know.

💜 I also know I never experienced it in the past years until I was in my sweet fifties. That was clear to me in retrospect of this AMAZING journey.

I wasn’t even looking for an exclusive partner when I was found by him.  I was too far gone in my own meager existence, weighed down by my bad choices in life.

Experiencing my own karma and rightly so.   It’s important to own your wrongs and learn from them what you were created to learn.
With him just being himself, he made me realize my worth because I was too whipped by life in exhaustion to see it on my own.  I mattered and I needed to know that.  I mattered. How could I matter because I was a worthless person in my own eyes and I’m sure others as well. Wasn’t that obvious in my bad decisions I made? Or was I just going crazy?
I was about to see why.

I believed in the magic of love as a young girl but how miraculous was it that it was live and up close and personal with me in real life.

This is the way it was intended too be.  If people realized this in it’s depth, they would not play games in it’s name.  Wow ⭐
The grass is NEVER GREENER than your own lawn that you keep fertilized and watered. Remember that!

True love CANNOT cheat! It has so much more of a deeper meaning than anyone can comprehend.


What are YOUR RAW THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS?

***sometimes the problem with agreeing to this would be to admit that you were wrong all the times before in your desperate tries of “love” in your past.  They seem childish in comparison since you now see clarity.  Some are too weak minded to deal with that reality.

This person may be intended to be my forever BFWB or he may not but what the lesson here was: True love DOES exist in it’s purest form if you open yourself up to experience it.


Now I can stand on my own a bit more than I could before.  It’s crazy of how fragile I was when he met me. He had been so patient through it all, I’m very blessed.

He had remolded me back to a state that I felt whole again. Life had shredded me into millions of pieces, strong yet so vulnerable. But I  mattered enough to put those pieces back together.
I didn’t know that I mattered before that day.
❤️ That is true love ❤️

Why

Let me first explain how this particular blog post was born. It was early in our exclusive relationship and I had mistakenly believed my BFWB had lied to me. Later on I figured out that I was wrong but I had already written this to him. I was so thankful I had been wrong …

05-03-19 revised

Now I’m rewriting this because of the one hidden thing, all I want to know is WHY did you hide what you didn’t have to?

Why?

Of all people, me! I’m broken beyond recognition,

Why?

You crushed my very soul

Put out my fire, and hurt me in places

I didn’t know existed.

You hid something from me.

Why?

I just don’t get it 😭

That cuts me more
Than the possibility of you
replacing me in your life which that scares me to the horrible depths

Of my fucking heart. You hid your list from me!

Why?

I thought that I gave you the best of both worlds. Only asking to be exclusive.

I’ve backed off as much as I possibly could with you pulling away from me every day.

I felt that and was afraid.

Why did you hide that from me?

Are you pulling away thinking I am like the rest in your past, testing me as such…

I long for you to just enjoy hanging again ~

I gave my heart to you and all

I expected was loyalty in return.

But you had to go and hide that. I’m devastated..

Why?

Loyalty and respect went out the window when you hid that from me.

I know I’m hard to love, even like but before now there was never a problem!

Why don’t you like me anymore because I feel it and it is ripping my heart into shreds.

How did I deserve to be

disrespected so bad?

To my very bones, I am hurt. Because, you felt you couldn’t show me what you hid.

Why!?

Why?

You despise liars and thieves,

People that pull out moves like that,

That is what I don’t understand …

How could you treat me like so lowly,

Me, who would do anything in this world for you, like I never mattered at all.

Unless for another and you don’t want to say, because of whatever reaction you think I may give.

But damn, you hid that away from me, unnecessarily. That’s what made me feel, there was something to hide?!

Am I just that dumb?

why?

I want us to stay like we are, I need you in my life!

You know I will never ask you for what you cannot give,

Your more important to me than I ever realized, and I figured that out, with your pulling away.

I don’t think I can make it every day without you.

I’ve grown used to our sex, and our deep but open friendship, or is that all just felt on my side?

~ then i think again about you felt that you had to hide something you knew I’d notice and be hurt inside and also to wonder, will I ever be able to let you go if you so choose?

Had I been wrong

…..To let you in?

I will give you any thing you need.

Please stay

Losing you would not be good for me

However I need you to be completely honest with me, no matter if it hurts me or not.

I don’t want to bother, if that is gone!

Please stay with me and….

then the reason you hid,

Well at least, maybe you will finally tell me and

I will know why.

(I hope I can add this after we talk)

❤️

I just found out,

You may have hid,

Maybe you had fears of getting to close or simply are sick of me being around.

But at least tell me … So I know why.

… because I know now… You will never leave.

My hopes were finally right! Your never going to leave me alone!

❤️ Thank you for reading, commenting, and following ❤️

LIKE my fb page dedicated to my bfwb💋

Other posts about my bffwb:

Where does the love go

NEVERLAND for mature readers

A real man

Just maybe

Tears falling down

The imprint of you on my heart

Beyond the scope of normal for mature readers

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray

To scared to pray

He is my world now, my unsung hero 😇
His depths are amazing to me… a young woman’s hope of a true man .. materialized…

With the patience if a saint … With my rebel ass … I’m not easy and sometimes I am overwhelming unknowingly.
My ADHD at it’s finest.

But he breezes through it and calms me down like a champ at the same time.

Handling me perfectly, and sincerely.  His charisma is off tha chain in every way, in my eyes. He truly is my HERO. Saved me from drowning and it was unnoticed by most but he saw right through me…

And cared anyway…
He looks past my unique health issues that will never go away n still makes love to me with an amazing passion.

It’s obvious to me He finds me seXy and I find that really attractive.

He couldn’t make love to me the way he does and not have feelings for me in some way.  💕 See my blog post “Beyond the scope of normal”
https://wp.me/paI9nk-2G

I feel his feelings are ever so strong (maybe they don’t match mine but that doesn’t matter, I know he cares) and I know it’s just my hopes.

He may never admit it but I already know. I don’t have to hear him say any special words to me because I already know by his actions. 
That’s enough for me. I’m not going to change, I’m going to keep being me.  The real me he brought out for the world to finally see.
I finally found ME!  It’s a process of learning who I am after not knowing my whole life.

Love is a verb.  His actions speak volumes…from his true character. He is a real man, unlike no other I have ever met in my life. I’m in awe of him today.

He truly sees the real me, deep inside my core.  He found me, and in doing so I pledged my loyalty happily forever, automatically… inside. He also was blessed with the utmost patience with me!

God gave me to him on purpose for the very purpose of showing me who I was as well as helping me through this weird and difficult time in my life.

I harbor a deep respect for this man, a beyond love. (because it’s so much more than what the surface definition shows)  It is a soul connection, met at the deep emotional level, mixed in with a deep sexual connection.  Both of these together make an UNBEATABLE connection.
This is a true warrior soul showing me my own worth.   He’s my answered prayer that I was too scared to pray….. But God heard anyway.

God gave me to him knowing that I would love him beyond all reason ~ to never take him away. Now, I always pray.

Like my fb page dedicated to my bfwb

Other posts about my bfwb:
Where does the love go

NEVERLAND for mature readers


A real man

Just maybe

Tears falling down

The imprint of you on my heart

Beyond the scope of normal for mature readers


Why

Agonizing fear




💜Thank you for reading, commenting, and following💚