Why

foreword: Let me first explain how this particular blog post was born. It was early in our exclusive relationship and I had mistakenly believed my BFWB had lied to me. Later on I figured out that I was wrong but I had already written this to him. I was so thankful I had been wrong …
05-03-19 revised

Why?

Of all people … me! I’m broken beyond recognition …

Why?

You crushed my very soul …

Put out my fire and hurt me in places

I didn’t know existed …

You hid something from me …

Why?

I just don’t get it ๐Ÿ˜ญ

That cuts me more
Than the possibility of you
replacing me in your life which that scares me to the horrible depths

Of my fucking heart … You hid it from me!

Why?

I thought that I gave you the best of both worlds … Only asking to be exclusive …

I’ve backed off as much as I possibly could with you pulling away from me every day …

I felt that and was afraid ..

Why did you hide that from me …

Are you pulling away thinking I am like the rest in your past – testing me as such …

I long for you to just enjoy hanging again …

I gave my heart to you and all

I expected was loyalty in return …

But you had to go and hide that. I’m devastated …

Why?

Loyalty and respect went out the window when you hid that from me …

I know I’m hard to love maybe even like but before now there was never a problem …

Why don’t you like me anymore because I feel it and it is ripping my heart into shreds …

How did I deserve to be

disrespected so bad …

To my very bones, I am hurt because you felt you couldn’t show me what you hid …

Why!?

Why?

You despise liars and thieves …

People that pull out moves like that …

That is what I don’t understand …

How could you treat me like so lowly …

Me, who would do anything in this world for you, like I never mattered at all …

Unless for another and you don’t want to say because of whatever reaction you think I may give …

But damn … you hid that away from me, unnecessarily. That’s what made me feel, there was something to hide …

Am I just that dumb?

why?

I want us to stay like we are … I need you in my life …

You know I will never ask you for what you cannot give …

Your more important to me than I ever realized, and I figured that out when you pulled away …

I don’t think I can make it every day without you …

I’ve grown used to our sex, and our deep but open friendship, or is that all just felt on my side …

then i think again about you felt that you had to hide something you knew I’d notice and be hurt inside and also to wonder, will I ever be able to let you go if you so choose …

Had I been wrong

… To let you in …

I will give you any thing you need.

Please stay

Losing you would not be good for me …

However I need you to be completely honest with me, no matter if it hurts me or not …

I don’t want to bother, if that is gone …

Please stay with me and….

then the reason you hid …

Well at least, maybe you will finally tell me and

I will know why …

โค๏ธ

I just found out ..

You may have not hid …

Maybe you had fears of getting to close or simply are sick of me being around …

But at least tell me … So I know why …

… because I know now… You will never leave …

My hopes were finally right! Your never going to leave me alone …

ยฉchellesrawthoughts

โค๏ธ Thank you for reading, commenting, and following โค๏ธ

LIKE my fb page dedicated to my bfab

Wisdom is gold

(revised 10-08-19)

Wisdom comes with life’s experiences as well as with age … Be ready – to be thoroughly amazed …

Hold onto wisdom like it is pure gold …

watch her as she breaks the mold …

Helping people who’ve been struggling is a sign of wisdom on your part … letting them know all the pitfalls in getting there was truly very smart … helping especially, despite your inner pain … when you have knowledge of yourself it is one huge gain …

No more holding things inside or trying to cover things up … although the majority of people are corrupt … they won’t allow you to see them from the inside …

Facing your fears not running from them … with wisdom and you on this knowledge ride

Wouldn’t that be an amazing sight … … Just knowing what you feel is right as rain …

No question …

Before or after your thoughts turn mundane …

thoughts were coming left as well as right …
Circling around me … hovering over … as if experiencing a major plight … Not stopping so I could see …

Clarity … I need clarity …

Wisdom should be loyal with huge doses of respect times ten …

Emulating from others as well as from within …

clear thoughts falling down around you,

And in those moments, you have to reflect โ€ฆ blurred recollections are certainly cause for reject …

On how precious wisdom truly is โ€ฆ regardless if it’s any of your biz … contemplating your main thoughts instead

Did I really find wisdom you may have said …

Bad decisions and good alike … are going to happen to all of us and others on sight …

Caused rivalry between the best … And you’re in a test …

unknowingly …

I’m glad wisdom found me the older I became …

It snuck up on me so quickly …

Looking for it so hard that I became quite disdain โ€ฆ

Not knowing how to handle her in my strange ways …

It was hit and miss for quite some days … Never giving up, holding onto the hope … coveting wisdom in her entirety …

On her curvaceous slopesโ€ฆ Once you know that โ€ฆ know you can never turn it around to help with unwanted anxiety …

Wisdom has your heart so full …

making your home so warm … causing your heart to be full with laughter floating out from the windows while

happiness and smiles coat with her charm โ€ฆ

Life seems different once wisdom is here and as you know… Wisdom is precious and she is solid – she’s just pure gold โค๏ธ

ยฉ chellesrawthoughts

โญ thank you for reading, commenting, and following โญ

cOmpLeteLy me ๐Ÿ‘ 

foreword: This post touches on people’s hurts and the walls they put up after being hurt, whether it’s emotionally or physically ~ when this happens they usually shut everyone out, especially if they have been hurt time and again, but if they are blessed, they have that one person who they let in … A lover, friend, sibling, etc … In my case, it is my best friend and beyond ~ my soulmate … I hope this brings hope that even though people suck … Don’t give up on finding one that you can 100% trust!

cOmpLeteLy me ๐Ÿ‘ 

People mistakingly believe ~ thinking they know me, because of what I show ~ it has to be true ~ they love to gossip and make fun … while passing judgement on what they see and think they know ~ but all they REALLY know, is what I show … because BITCHES I’m in control …

I’m so much more than they can see … Never can I allow them to see …

๐Ÿ’„… COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ‘ 

I made the mistake when I was so young ~ to trust a little to easily … I learned quite fast that people suck ~ that’s why there’s but one that cared enough for me ~ to go through the darkness and slay the dragons for me …

So ~ he’s the only one I can show the real me … Because always with him I’m …

๐Ÿ‘  COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ’„

It pains me deep inside that some see me ONLY as a bitch, a slut, no good, lazy, stupid, a problem, a burden or they think I just don’t care …

… when …

โœ๏ธAll I do is care … not what people think so much … but care that I’m seen for MY heart … not MY mistakes …

… I cared to much and years ago that almost broke my soul …

๐Ÿ““And still now … I care … But the hardness I learned to use to cover it up … Masks me now, so …

… THEY CAN NEVER SEE …

๐Ÿ‘  … COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ’„

I was hurt to much by fake souls acting like they should be close to me … They ruined it for all with one exception you see ~ my tough exterior will never show them what I don’t want them to see ~

… they will never see …

๐Ÿ’„ cOmpLeteLy me

They don’t have permission to see, the complete me or the me I was always supposed to be … I’m NOT GOING TO ALLOW THEM ~ TO HURT ANYMORE OF ME … There’s only one allowed inside of me ~ just so he can see and that’s my soulmate that’s free ~ free to see EVERY part of me ~ because always with him I’m

๐Ÿ’„ … COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ‘ 

The hard exterior I acquired
… in order to be … came at a heavy price you see … so the softness inside … could not be crushed one more time in me …

โšก Because … I only show them what I want them to see …

Because I’m so much more than anyone is allowed to see … They do not deserve to see … the me that I was supposed to be … only what I want them to know is what I show …

because BITCHES I’m in control ๐Ÿ’ช

it’s all about him being able to see … since he’s number one with me … Because always with him I’m …๐Ÿ‘ฃ

๐Ÿ‘  … COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ’„

Not many have made it past the hardness that’s shielding me ~ only a handful in reality ~ because only a few deserved to remain with me … because they can hang with me and be loyal to me and those who can’t …โœ๏ธ they can never see … the me I was always meant to be … The main population indeed … was never going to deserve ~

๐Ÿ‘ … COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ’„

I can be sensitive, sweet, stubborn, goofy, quick to forgive, discerning, and even sometimes afraid … The last few came with time and deep pain …

๐Ÿ““ Shouldn’t I show only certain parts of me … that the hardness hides inside me … But it won’t change the fact ~ that I won’t allow any to see … The me that I was truly meant to be …

But ~ always with him I’m …

COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ‘ 

Others see bits of what I permit them to see … So, call me names or talk bad about me ~ because although I do care ~ never will you see … the reality of me … To be able to get past and inside of me … because there is only that one ~ that is free to see ~ because always with him I’m …

๐Ÿ’„… COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ‘ 

THERE’S JUST SO MUCH MORE TO ME THAN I ALLOW ANYONE TO SEE …

Only my best friend and beyond is free ~ to hang with me …๐Ÿ•ถ๏ธ

… people pretend to care and it’s plain to me ~ it’s for heartless reasons you see …

… that no one cares …โšก

… because of greed and jealousy ~ however in reality ~ no one really cares about you nor do they care about me … unless by magic and grace … true angels appear to me …

Those precious few that stick close … are the ones that you don’t have to fear and you shall allow them to be ~ keepers of the keys to your soul indeed ~ so the the fake ones won’t see ~ so never again will I show anyone but him … Because …

… always with him I’m …

๐Ÿ‘  COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ’„

Those angels are rare … Don’t let them go … hold onto them tightly ~ Mine are precious to me ~ my angels … They are down for me ~ Those angels are very few you see and there’s only one that can ever see …

๐Ÿ’„… Completely me …๐Ÿ‘ 

If you don’t know me ~ and all you see … is a mask hiding a big part of me … Don’t be surprised because indeed you won’t need ~ to actually see ~ the me that I’m supposed to be …

Once you care enough to climb over my walls and dig in with me … I’m loyal to mine … and when they’re loyal to me …

That’s when they will see …

… COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ’„

ยฉchellesrawthoughts

๐Ÿ‘  thank you for reading, commenting, and following ๐Ÿ’„

๐Ÿ’• where does the love ๐Ÿ’• go? revised 04-21*

Having so much love inside and no place to place it – as it hits hard – overwhelming and overpowering – you realize you’re not going to quit – you can feel the void of where the love was supposed to be go if he’d only permit … That void hurts a million times more than not having somewhere safe for your love to be placed … I will finally admit …

The dark hole does still ache, tremendously and deep – inside of my chest … Paralyzing, way deep down inside – yet numb – from the stark realization that there is nowhere close for me to lay – the love that continuously cries …

The void he has is still there, I feel it with fear and he’s blocking the place and making it hard to find that part of his heart where the love cried to go – him repeating he needed his space …

He lives almost an hour away ๐Ÿ˜ข so I don’t see him as often as my heart would okay … holding me at a distance … unknowingly I think … couldn’t he see we were completely in sync …

Day by day he gets further away from that secret space, He dives straight into that void and it’s deep in his heart … not wanting anyone to know of this place …

Nevertheless, my ache has kept on, sadly aware and realizing there’s nowhere at all, in such a place, for my love to be accepted and given, without losing face …

The ache grows stronger for the love that it’s missed – gut wrenching pain – hurting so bad – slicing straight to my heart that feels as if it may have been dismissed …

That void in him longs to be filled … I see this it’s true – regardless of his fear that my love will get loose and then will depart … like the others – sneaking away … while he’s doing his part …

What he needs to know is that I’m here to stay and we can have what’s deep in both hearts … it’s not included with those shades of gray …

It’s really quite painful when the fear of never having him begins … ever so slowly until the crescendos wear thin … up past the very ceiling that shields you within …

It’s a horrible ache stabbing into my soul … making it leave is my one true goal …

I can promise you, right from the start … I will never depart because it’s worth it to me from the tale of two hearts …

In some ways it halts the love that’s patiently waiting … just to be placed … I understand he doesn’t want it to be in haste … I know there’s love for me in that guarded heart … it’s okay because I already know before he tells me that part …

Tears fall for the love that is right in your face … by wanting to be noticed so much I may break … that makes it impossibly difficult for my love to be placed …

It’s the distancing he does that can be felt in a flash … he neglects to acknowledge any one certain fact …

The love he silently craves … is hiding within but he keeps it so far away that it can’t begin … away from his heart yet she still needs a place … that her love can lie so it won’t just wither away and die …

In his mind he may ask while in his own space … Is it plausible that this secret love has a face? …

is it this best friend that has always been here for me … I’m surprised she hasn’t tucked tail to run and flee … she has told me that she really does love me … maybe she’s waiting on me to see

I yearn to bond with his mind like before and our intimacies that would blow me away so far …

… out in space … and that would keep me screaming his name all over the place …

I felt his defenses spring up from his core … from a secret place deep within him … a place that my heart would love to explore …

Does he feel his void and my crushing ache, while hurting so bad …

… simply because my love craves to be placed …

He used to radiate the thought that my love was approved … simply because he didn’t run … the entire time that he knew …

He seemed to good to be true and I see that in every special thing for me that he’s done … I’m over the top that he’s my boo … it’s not a coincidence that this has begun …

Love tries to escape from the depths of my core … to rush to the void and quickly fill his heart which I adore …

… only finding distance … which makes my love turn around … knowing how priceless our bond that we’ve found … silently begging his beat up heart … not to leave me and not to depart …

… with deep labored breaths that seemed forced from my lungs … yet the void silently warns me that our relationship’s quite young … the void that he has secretly aches … but my love he appreciates so I know sincerely that he wants it to be placed …

The way he makes love to me is wild and off tha chain … it would damn near keep me from being able to maintain …

He would stare at me with such an intense look … his eyes held me prisoner and I became hooked … while doing incredible things to me with no shame … not wanting it to end, this fire we’ve flamed …

It’s all about him … conquering his fear … despite all odds he sees this pretty clear …

that all women are playing games … he’s assumed that I must be the same …

Well, that’s not true and I’m sitting right beside you with no bad remarks … now you see the bond that was shared deep down in both hearts?…

She’s craved it to be … inside of her most secret place … but past demons appear to fill his void right in his face …

… instead …

… doing nothing but making his heart fill with dread … that’s why he feels there’s no room for my love in his head …

… wanting him to report … NO it wasn’t true … yet he believed it so much … it was hard not to misconstrue … being cemented and concreted just because of past little trusts … oh how he silently wanted it all so much …

It will … eventually … haunt him while causing him to wonder yet … Is her love really true … not wanting more than I’m able to give?

All that love I have way deep down inside … waiting to be placed somewhere for my love not to hide …

I have all this love for you bursting inside, away from your doubts in order for your heart to allow me inside …

Letting you get way deep into your stride, trying not to collide with your need for space … while way deep inside, of my secret place … where I’m holding this love that is turned on by you and with an ominous ache … is his void is so huge?

Since the love that I hold onto HARD yet deep down inside, while knowing that it’s not allowed to be placed … but know that I’m also going to try …

He’s protecting his spirit and I can relate while mine, can conquer and divide the demons that harass and take place, causing him keep it from my love that’s shown in his face.

Yet he’s scared to release that small secret place where he let love come close – but he didn’t give place, harboring things that would have made others break.

He then showed me the side of his hero part to, he’s so brave and so strong –

I hear me now and I’m crying for you…

Moving robotically, day by day and shuffling through all the mess in my way.

The weight of that ache, settled deep in my mind, wishing hard and praying loud, screaming for that love to please be found.

Then, maybe his heart will come out and see, that my love needs to fill, that void and him not flee.

With him not wanting it, yet sensing he wanted it so, his heart could be healed by allowing a path for true love to grow. God had surely set them up to meet and get close inside his heart. His spirit had spoken up and with that pic in his mind, damn all of the sudden, he turned from me and groaned, then he closed himself off to the trails of my mind.
I’m holding on, with all of my might, slightly frantic it seems because I don’t want this fight. I want everything to remain the same, with our hot sexy times and yet I still need to know, “are we still exclusive deep down in your mind?”,

…all the while knowing, there’s no room in his heart, for him to be mine.

I knew from the start that I would probably get hurt … deep down to the very core of my heart … He’s that precious to me to have in my life, that he’s keeping his distance doesn’t change the want I have …that’s way deep down in my heart.

Just remember, it all started with his void deep inside, where my love wanted to go and lay down to reside. He’s held me in his strong arms, no fear that I can see, he makes everything negative stay away from me.

Sometimes my love was allowed to get close and deep down inside.

just not quiteโ€ฆ

and that’s partly because my love was secretly keeping his hope alive!

Despite what he showed me that he didn’t want, any part of my love, that I have deep down in my heart …

Secretly he wished for a love so grand that it would put to shame, any past that he had.

He was fighting inside, perilously close to his heart… Whether or not to allow these feelings I’ve felt since the day that we met … he doesn’t have to be concerned because I will never depart …

My hope is that one day, love would be allowed fully to see, and deep enough for the love to “feel“, all snuggly …

and warm way deep down inside, yet needing to rest and being right beside, the place, where his hope let’s my love survive!

With a lot of joy and hope just out of my reach, I knew this routine way better than most, also knowing inside of my deep down space, where I need his void to let my love to be placed.

Teasing me relentlessly, the strings of my heart, and waiting for patience, yet craving him hard.

The ache will never go away, for that person you need, your craving them relentlessly, just wanting your love to get deep down inside and take their void by surprise!

There will be none to replace this one in my heart, he will forever have the key, as he did right from the start …

Asking finally, where does my love go, if not to him? Answer … That love that is his and his alone will just wait around until it’s shown, that is okay to fill that void of his, the unknown …

If that never happens … My love will still be right here … and just loving him anyway through everything, including the tears!

๐Ÿ’‹LIKE MY FB PAGE DEDICATED TO MY BEST FRIEND AND BEYOND ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’œ Finding your best friend with benefits

Read these posts about my bffwb:

Just maybe
Where does the love go

Tears falling down

A real man

The imprint of you on my heart

Why

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray

โค๏ธ Thanxxx for reading and commenting and following โค๏ธ

time creeps by … ๐Ÿคž

Time creeps by now, slower than slow … I miss your face so much – I just want you to know … that my mind is on you constantly and because of that the bond we have – has done nothing but continue to grow …

We were heavily drawn to each other from that very first night … so much inspiration from you that I couldn’t help but write … thankful that we aren’t like other couples since we don’t just sit and argue and fight …

I became addicted to you just hanging out and around … whenever you were there, my frown would be turned upside down … a soulmate connect for sure was what we’d found …

My arms ache to hold you tight while pulling you close … your presence means to me – the utmost … my heart is yours, never will I say to you adios

My mind finds a way to sneak away on its own … rustling silently through the depths of where my thoughts of you would roam … precious recollections of us as one – not alone … never again will we be left again on our own …

Those around us are incredibly jealous it seems … since we just don’t argue nor do we tend to yell and scream … we always pick one another up while helping each other tackle their dream …

Being your partner is such a joy to me … how refreshing it is not to break down – tempted and begging to flee … ONLY your sOuL holds my heart’s key …

There’s a sense of peace between us that we’ve grown to adore … not concerned that the other may think like the ones we’ve had before … we are excited inside to take this new journey and together we will search and explore
ยฉchellesrawthoughts

๐Ÿ‘Œ thank you for reading, following and commenting ๐Ÿคž

beyOnd beSt friendS ๐Ÿ‘ซ

I met him in the craziest way … God told me that first night that “he is the one” … and when I opened my door and saw him – I said, “oh yeah this one needs to stay” … silently I thought … “Wow thank You God – a job well done” …

We instantly bonded and were extremely turned on … partying, gabbing, heavily flirting and more … staying up making out until the first break of dawn … I was in heaven loving all of him and he was certainly no bore …

… for three days and nights we played, made love and fuc*ed … together we were off tha chain … we allowed nothing to interrupt … I couldn’t get this man outta my brain …

Making hot, steamy and naughty love was amazing times ten … it never mattered where the other had been … never did I know naughtiness was supposed to be like that … intimately speaking it was INDESCRIBABLE unlike any other I’ve played at …

… there were no games played and no lies told … refreshing to us that we both broke the mold … he brought me back to life … I was simply existing because inside of me there lay a lot of strife …

… over the course of several months our bond became stronger than strong … I felt in my gut that this couldn’t be wrong … time kept it’s pace … moving forward it did … we could always be found hanging out at my little place …

I completely fell and fell hard for this man … he took it in stride and had a secret plan … he showed me how a real man dealt with his life … and treated those close to him with patience while unknowingly keeping me alive …

He is my hero as well as my best friend and beyond … BEYOND benefits BEYOND love and BEYOND best friends … I am so in awe I can barely respond … he is so much BEYOND the traditional boyfriend bond …

I honestly could not live life without his heart … it was as if I’d known right from the start … God whispered that night, “He is the one” … “thank You God it was a job well done …”

ยฉchellesrawthoughts

๐Ÿ‘ซ this poem is about my guy – my best friend and beyond – he means the world to me … there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him … I know he would be the same way towards me! It’s been four years this month … since we met and have had prettying much exclusive ever since ...
“A soulmate connection is not sycophantic. No power struggles. No game playing. You donโ€™t have to worry about treading on eggshells or keeping the peace. You donโ€™t considering that words or actions will be thrown back and used as evidence should there be a future spat, although time will tell with this one. You feel their strength in the gentlest of ways and have no desire to hurt them, or test their loyalties. A soulmate connection says itโ€™s OK to be different, perhaps one of you thrives on social media, while the other prefers a more private existence, under the radar. Any stresses or difficulties are diminished with one word from the other, or a solitary text, in one fell swoop.”
๐Ÿ’ƒthank you for reading following and commenting๐Ÿ•บ

hOw impOrtant iS a “sOuL cOnneCtiOn” in your relationship?

A sOuL cOnneCt is the glue that binds together yOur seX, yOur sOuL and yOur parTnerShip as a whOLe tOgeTher …

My eXcLuSive partnership is prOOf of thiS. This iS the beSt reLationShip I’ve ever had in my entire life and it was definitely worth waiting 52 years for!

True love doesn’t hurt

Beyond best friends, beyond soulmates and beyond true love is what my guy and I have … my best friend and beyond

BeLOw I deSCribe EXACTLY what it takes to have a suCCeSSful parTnerShip …

Read this very carefully and you BOTH have to be in sync with this or it won’t work …

what it takes to have that RARE and unique sOuL cOnneCtiOn that iS almost unbreakable:

*100% COMPLETE HONESTY with OPEN COMMUNICATION so as to keep your partner informed as to where your head is at. This way there is no room for either of y’all to be guessing what the other is thinking etc… Those TWO things are the FOUNDATION NEEDED to begin and maintain a successful partnership …

I think that so many couples DON’T have that foundation because it wasn’t based on a SOUL CONNECTION. Because I KNOW if it IS based on a SOUL CONNECT it has no other option but to work in making a relationship successful (My own exclusive partnership is proof) … Otherwise without the soul cOnneCt … Couples aren’t striving as a team to build their relationship …

After the CRUCIAL FOUNDATION of HONESTY and COMMUNICATION are laid and SET LIKE CONCRETEadd the mix of YOUR RELATIONSHIP SUPER POWER (sOuL cOnneCt) –

*** this sOuL cOnneCtiOn cannot be forced – if it isn’t already present in your relationship is probably not going to be there if you have to try to make it happen …

… then … you MUST have these ESSENTIAL attributes (in BOTH partners) for it to be SUCCESSFUL:

*100% TRUST (for yourself as well as for each other)

*RESPECT (means that each person values who the other is and understands the other person’s boundaries)

*LOYALTY (to yourself, each other, and to your reLatiOnShip)

*FAITHFULNESS (to each other FOR your reLatiOnShip)

*INDIVIDUALITY

*COMPROMISE

*KEEPING OPEN LINE OF COMMUNICATION (this is mentioned twice because it’s that important)

*COMMITMENT

*LISTENING to each other

*OPENNESS (your as well as your partner is open, undefended and willing to be vulnerable and open in a sexual manner)

*FORGIVENESS

*SHOW APPRECIATION

*EMOTIONAL SUPPORT for each other

***BE A RIDE OR DIE FOR EACH OTHER it’s crucial to have each other’s back in ANY situation. You have to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that “your partner has “got you”

*HUMOR

*THE MAGIC OF SMALL THINGS

*COMPASSION – The intention and capacity to relieve and transform suffering and lighten sorrows

*DEPENDABILITY

*AFFECTION

*EFFORTLESS – it should ALL come naturally

*ACCEPTANCE

*SELFLESSNESS

๐Ÿค” When ALL ATTRIBUTES ARE ADDED TO YOUR FIRM FOUNDATION OF HONESTY AND OPEN COMMUNICATION meaning they are SET firmly inside you and your partners sOuL (because your sOuL consists of your mind, your will and your emotions)

THAT IS HIGHLIGHTED TOGETHER – it’s completed with the RARE OCCURRENCE of instantaneous bonding of two souls causing a …

~ SOUL CONNECTION ~

๐Ÿ˜„ … then …

*add the bonus ingredient WHICH CAUSES the most AMAZING sex that you could dare dream of … therefore causing it all to โšกโšกโšกMAKE THE MOSTโšกโšกโšกUNBEATABLE โœŒ๏ธ ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ COMBINATION which creates an …

UNBREAKABLE BOND

similar to sOuL tieS the bibLe talks about

which makes for a โœŒ๏ธ ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ SUCCESSFUL PARTNERSHIP that would be ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE and EXTREMELY DIFFICULT for anyone outside the relationship to break through … for example someone can’t tempt your partner to cheat as easily because sOuL cOnneCt is almost unbreakable plus with this sOuL cOnneCtiOn you WILL NOT WANT TO OR THINK ABOUT BEING UNFAITHFUL … (Breaking the soulmate connection can be a very difficult process but it can be done if you set your mind, heart and soul to the task. The soulmate connection, and soulmate relationships, are formed from a very deep soul level connection with another human being.)

(These soulmate connections as they are formed and deepen over the time we spend with that soulmate become a part of us and part of our own soul so creating a termination to that bond can be a fairly painful process

(This soulmate connection as it is formed and deepen over the time that we spend with our soulmate … They become a part of us and part of our own soul so creating a termination to that bond can be a fairly painful process … read more here regarding sOuL tie diScOnneCtiOn … not having a sOuL cOnneCtiOn is how partners can succumb to temptation easily …)

This is what most reLatiOnShipS are miSSing … and the main reason cheating seems like an easy option … It’s not an easy option when your have all these qualities present as discussed here in this post

My opinion is that most couples in general will NOT have this RARE phenomenal relationship is because they aren’t willing to put forth the extreme effort in maintaining this on a daily basis. They want the outcome of …

what I’ve described to manifest in their relationship without going out of their comfort zone.

Learning about and VALUING what is important to each other will have the two of you creating your “perfect” world around your relationship.

Being up straight up front about your individual thoughts and feelings, along with the desired direction of the relationship – YOUR AGREEMENT OF THE DESIRED DIRECTION OF YOUR PARTNERSHIP IS CRITICAL – because that way one isn’t trying to change direction … because by NOT changing directions … your partner has the assurance you are respecting the boundaries they placed in front of you … This WILL ALLOW your relationship the freedom it craves to be happy and because your won’t be doubting your partner’s promise of NOT pushing you for something you may not be emotionally ready or able to give (for ex: if one of you has “caught feelings and the other hasn’t – and they do care deeply for you – be respectful and know they are giving you all they can – because IF the partner with feelings pushes for the relationship to be more of a commitment or whatever … that “pushing” will poison what trust is between the both you plus it breaks and tears down the bricks and will ultimately destroy the foundation built – and more than likely end it altogether.

On the other hand if you both keep to whatever agreement decided beforehand … The AMAZING freedom that comes – (freedom from knowing your partner is faithful and cares for you deeply, etc.) will allow you and your partner the opportunity to simultaneously explore yourselves and your relationship because your FIRM SET FOUNDATION AND BRICK STRUCTURE and highlighted with the sOuL cOnneCtiOn frees your relationship to grow as it was meant to be.

Comments are welcome and encouraged …

Like my fb page “FINDING YOUR BEST FRIEND AND BEYOND” they is dedicated to my guy and the unique bond we share …

๐Ÿ’“ Thank you for reading commenting and following ๐Ÿ’“

๐Ÿ’งmemories … roll down my cheeks๐Ÿ’ง

โšก this post focuses on the fall of 2013, when we lost our home. My son, who was 15 at the time, was forced to move in with his two friends from school and their mom, because of a personal tragedy. I was so thankful they did and I know that God gave them to my son to help him during this pivotal time in his young life. There were rumors spreading faster than the speed of sound about me, in our small rural town. I was called every name in the book and made to feel as if I didn’t care about my son or the house I lost. What nobody saw or understood was that we both had lost our whole life. It was horrific at best. I had to leave town that following January and I moved to a larger town close by. I went to the homeless shelter there to try to pick up the broken and shattered pieces of our life.

๐Ÿ’‘ This is our story …

.. … dedicated to my amazing son, who is graduating ๐ŸŽ“ this month and the tragedy he faced that started the domino effect, through the obstacles he pushed through on his journey ๐Ÿƒeven after his fathers unexpected death ๐Ÿ‘ค he pressed on ๐Ÿ‘ฒ until the present day ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐Ÿš’ This poem focuses on how this bittersweet victory shows how determination ๐ŸŽ“ true love ๐ŸŒช๏ธ and heartache can anchor your soul ๐Ÿ‘ฉโ€๐ŸŽ“ driving you to succeed ๐Ÿ™ against all odds ๐ŸŽ“

“… memories … roll down my cheeks …”

Remembering those memories from before …… of his tiny hands and feet, smiling baby cheeks, and as I remember more memories I picture … his chubby face – full of table food smears, birthday cakes and summer slides, of course popsicles – loved by all …. year after year …

Disdainfully, I cringe away from those dark painful thoughts – feeling a tight knot form in my throat … from hateful impressions … molded by haters … Who saw me as naught ……

The measure of unfathomed love inside me – would have filled close to one thousand worlds …

“my son was my smile simply because … I dreamed him into being, long before he was born ...”

but smiles fade … life’s tests and trials find you and you have no option but to maintain – otherwise there would be nothing to gain …

For reasons I can’t imagine – but liars … haters galore wouldn’t leave my mind … stress magnified probably close to one million times … I was unable to show my heart through my actions not even through my life – it wouldn’t have mattered – haters never care about the truth if they believe they see – they just hate – then lie, so … nobody at all tried to see, just how precious my baby boy was to me.

Our safety – our midnight talks, our schedule – my washing your socks – our dream – EVERYTHING THAT WE’D KNOWN – was gone – stolen outright … just like that – our life was forever removed – those cowards don’t know me but one day they will see – I damn sure will have something to prove …

After that monumental criminal attack – I didn’t allow anyone passage into my heart – not my soul – haters – fakers – thru and thru … users – because of them – I was beginning to grow cold …

.. Remembering precious memories before … of his many first days at school ~ the best outfits we could afford, the happiest of smiles and silly giggles and the joy I felt for him …

I never dreamed of what would soon come our way … years away … It would never

again be okay …

… in fact … suddenly …

… Smiles turned upside down, whirling and spiraling into the summer night breeze …

… transforming into fear, future time would realize that quick separation is near … stunned in the sense that life was unfair –

… crushed under the blanket of confusion mixed with frightened tears …

There was to be no relief in sight … no solace … after our smiles were reversed … I prayed to HIM “please lift this curse …”

” … If only I had known …”

What in the hell – if I would have known then – wtf would I do?

… Remembering memories before … of the beginning teenage years – the person he was yet to be – yet the baby that was right here – staring with his trusting eyes – looking straight at me ...

… Remembering …

… It hurts …

… it’s killing me that I am the cause – of our dream shutting down … I hurt him with my addiction and then … this had to happen to us and just take more away – my boy did nothing that deserved his life to be extinguished that day …
it’s painful to look back – yet … those memories … from years before … were all that I had about our life – that I still adored

I miss the life that was ruthlessly … viciously taken from us and it’s safe to say – I feel like my son probably feels the same way …

I’m not sure if I will ever be free – of the cloud holding – guilt, regret and pain – it comes around less often than it did at the start … I never wanted pity – I totally feel – deserving of those freaks – riding that cloud – ever since my son and I had … no choice but to part …

Suffocating … I cannot breathe as my heart constricts from intense gouging pains – while I recall …

cherished recollections …

… from priceless moments before …

chains from unmemorized tunes … playing furiously in the silent night mist …

Complete brokenness

Regret …

Guilt …

Tears …

Self hate …

… I was beginning to feel the pain leave quite slow … from times featuring minor dull aching thuds – crashing through my defenses – holding back several tons of undiscovered tears …

Frightened … foreboding heaviness – black hearts that clinch my soul …

… penetrating … sliding gracefully … closer … until it settles into the core of your essence … Crippling emotional pain โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ awakens โ€ฆ

… my sOuL …

“God” she cried, as her tear stained face looked up – toward the late night eerie sky …

Please don’t let my little boy lose his love for me …”

She knew he would be moving out soon, there was no other choice – her stomach churned violently – thoughts swarming her brain … Of far away wishes, prayers and dreams … haters would soon claim their win …

~ avoidance – was futile ~

… God saw it best to take my sweet boy away … from my care … soon after that …

It was for his best – I was aware – grateful I was – for the angel family that came from God … I knew that I wanted my boy to stay – “no option dammit” I cried inside – it was for his best – he would be safe, I knew … in their care …

that didn’t stop me from dying inside and feeling …

slicing pain – carefully imploding … behind the space reserved … wait … “he can’t be alone – I can’t either, I need him to much” was her silent, screaming – loud heart’s cry โค๏ธ

ringing – echoing in her head like a trumpet blast …

“Ohhh please Lord … go with him … please keep him free … from heart pain – give it all to melet him be free to be all he can be …”

Gripped in the throes of unnatural fate … Never before had she felt this disgrace …

She almost broke down and felt torn apart but how much more pain – her boy must have felt and was surely in fear … surely he was wanting his mom … he had to be scared … thinking with that fear – simply because she was no longer here …

How could she hold up … after she’d allowed his world to be … ripped … ferociously into shreds – she would somehow make it right …praying hard … with all of her might – praying and pleading … hoping God would agree …

She never again turned to drugs – not after her heart was ripped savagely away, don’t you see … of course rumors flew through town – I was doing everything … cowards cried – from drugs to only God knows what else … to myself I would say – after hearing those lies – I could not fall again – I wouldn’t have him hurting because I’d let him down …

“… not after this – I would from now on refrain …”

UNBEARABLE WAS THIS PAIN – FILLING HER WITH DREAD …

She silently promised her son … that she loved him beyond infinity plus one …

I would do anything to make it right …”

“I never should’ve invited the devil in our home of dreams – I was played well … I never recognized the evil scheme …”

Fear and regret were partners in crime

… attacking me …

… haunting my mind … bringing confusion – confusion brought guilt – guilt filled me with pain … apparently the poison from that beat me down more – yet again …

As she dissolved into tears … Feeling herself break inside, she would never be the same … But in her heart she claimed, that her boy wouldn’t go through this hell “not in vain” … “How would I manage” … she didn’t have a clue … she was shutting down … inside paralyzed … such raw emotions had demolished her sOuL …

“I cannot stand this God … please let this all be a bad dream”

– Signs of the trauma showed all over her face – could be felt by her body actually – she needed some encouragement to help plead her case …

My precious sweet son – I make you this promise that I will hold you inside – so very tight until the time arrives – when you and I reunite and choose together where to live and what school would you like – find a girlfriend and have her over a few times a week – maybe start a real family game night … Until then, my son, please don‘t depart – stay with me … inside – because …

“You are forever… enclosed in my heart”๐Ÿ’–

he is close by … in my heart …

my heart slowly cracked – just enough and the broken pieces were not thrown away … but … they hardened inside – there was only one thing that I knew would work – and that meant get down on my knees and pray …

… instead – those enhanced pieces of hardened heart – of far away taunts – unspeakable whispers – telling tales …

… creative yet silent muses – restless anxiety sprang forth in a soft misty spray – while … ignoring the dark places – we had just barely survived – the hell I let inside … swirling thoughts in a whirlwind cloud …

... patiently, I wait – “go away crazy jumbled thoughts” … I’m shaky … while being carried away – by ping pong ideas – animated – not making sense –

I had to gather myself and respectfully utter thanks … I didn’t know then … that our reunion would never take place …

… noone has a clue – the extent of our pain – that was felt intensely – that very dark day … massive guilt covered me – sticking around – weighing close to one thousand pounds …

Missing his face … hurting so bad because I knew – he was better off without me in his life … hateful dark thoughts – unnerved me – taunting me with words that said – I didn’t deserve a place in his life … I didn’t deserve to even be alive …

though I believed – those black thoughts were right – I pushed through daily – ignoring the shame – still nothing came through – no job – nothing at all … but … I couldn’t give up nor would I give in – it was hard as hell – I felt very small …

… during those next few – quite challenging yet detestable years …I never could seem to get up – in this world I feared …

REGRET still haunts me – I miss my precious baby – I love him sooo …

tears … guilt … pain … fear …

filled up my time during the next few years …

Memories … Remembering …

The hate she’d gone through for those haters she’d see … would prove that she had no choice, but to be tough and proceed …

… Remembering memories before … they would sneak passed my eyes slide down over my cheeks, only to be wiped away …

never to be forgotten …

… Regret is a pain that NEVER goes away. I live with it every day …

I own all my wrongs – I just would like this chance – for his permission, you see – for my boy to get to know me … again …

… the real me …

… The woman I am now is who he should have had – as a mom – I have such a desire and hard drive to show him

… how I can inspire and still be …

… who I should have been all along …

“… Do I dare hope?”

… Now, my baby is all grown up handling a busy life of his own …

… my love has NEVER changed from that very first memory day … that started from home … I hope my son knows this – I’ve loved him fiercely ever since he’s been gone …

… Although my feelings may not have been shown …

… in order to completely stake my claim, considering I’m grown …

…. OMG screw haters that say I’d been spouting off lies … sleeping around … smoking dope – I am so sick of being accused – of things I don’t do – just because I was an addict – I’m not allowed to be believed – just judged – juryed – and convicted … “Don’t y’all see, how unfair that can be” … “They wouldn’t see the truth – if it was right in front of their eyes” … “All I want is to be away from haters, cutthroats and folks that are mean – I want to be free …”

… Damn these thoughts …

Demons of emotional disorders, addiction and violence plagued me … through the years … he needed me most …

… That’s why I took all the violent abuse – that showed up in my life … from different people and in distinct harmful ways … I just tried to survive …

SELF DESTRUCTION

Everyone, including myself, thought I’d gotten what I deserved … Still, I catch guilt … It tries to pull me vehemently – away from his heart …

Ohhh God I MISS HIM SO BAD

REMEMBERING

… I just wasn’t the mother I wanted to be or the mom he certainly deserved – but … I silently craved myself to be …

The love in my heart for him, during challenges of past – would hold onto him – through all the stars that the sky did surpass …

“Most have said that I didn’t care because of the road I mistakingly chose to travel … and that’s why our tragedy took place … smfh … It was because I helped the wrong one but I thought I was doing it right …

“But, they didn’t know me nor did they care to see the real me inside – saying hateful things … they were judgemental and assuming – when … all I did was care – so damn much inside …

Where no one could see …

“My sweet baby boy, I will hold you forever … on the inside of me” โค

“CONGRATULATIONS SON”

๐Ÿ’‘ This is my amazing son – my heart baby boy, you have all it takes – to be a success at anything you set out to accomplish, there is no doubt. Always believe in yourself – no matter what anyone else may say. You are blessed dear son and you are so smart, funny, sweet, sensitive, determined, loyal, respectful and all around a very cool guy! The definition of “character” is this: the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual. “The concept of character can imply a variety of attributes including the existence of virtues such as empathy, courage, fortitude, honesty, and loyalty, or of good behaviors or habits.”
That definition describes you baby boy! That makes me so proud! Most people, of any age, are sorely lacking these coveted character traits. I’m so proud of you Kennodie, you are and will always be my hero!!! I’m honored to be your mom and although it took a village to raise you – LoL ๐Ÿ˜€ you went above and beyond any expectations that any of us could have ever imagined for you! I know your Daddy is bragging to everyone in heaven about his awesome son! You have your entire life in front of you and I have no doubt that God will continue to bless you beyond your wildest dreams! ๐Ÿ’‘ Know that your Moms heart is overflowing with so much love that is just for you. I will ALWAYS be here for you, I’m a phone call away and maybe you can call me more often ๐Ÿ˜

Sweetheart โค๏ธ๐Ÿ’š๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿ’›

I love you to the Moon and back through to infinity plus one!!!

๐Ÿ˜Š Please LIKE my FB page dedicated to my babies – MISSING MY BABIES

I have 3 kids and 4 grands ๐Ÿ’œ my son is the baby of the family!

๐Ÿ’™ Thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’š

What makes someone tick who has an ugly and hateful heart? ๐Ÿ’“

Most people love me or they hate me. I could care less, but I wasn’t always so nonchalant.ย  I don’t really like most people, in general, because the majority are not real and use people to get what they want. They put good people down and lie about them to take the focus off themselves and what no good they are up to. I speak, of course, from my own experiences.

People that stoop to those levels do not care who gets hurt in the process as long they get they want and they could care less.

What makes someone that is that ugly and hateful inside tick?

I believe the evil that lies inside those type of people feed off the good hearted human beings like I described.

I also don’t want to hear that they were abused as a child or that they were hurt by the opposite sex and that is what makes them have an ugly heart. I was abused as a child and I am also a SURVIVOR of domestic violence.ย  I’m not that way. I’ve know people that had similar things happen and they didn’t turn out like that! Being abused is no excuse for bad behavior.

There is something evil inside of them anyway for them to hurt others andย  then say they hurt people because they were abused. That’s crap, because they would have been hateful and hurt those people if they’d never been abused, why?ย  Because it’s in their very character. You either have that inside you or you don’t.

The excuse of abuse just takes the responsibility off their shoulders. They are cowards who blame others their shortcomings. That’s what gets my blood boiling!

What also gets me angry is that those evil no goods act like they have a God given right to treat people any way they choose.ย Wtf is that? That is laughable but it’s true and it how dare they!

THEY DON’T HAVE THAT RIGHT!

It’s not okay!

It’s up to us (the people they may target) …

… TO NOT ALLOW anyone to treat us with disrespect.ย 

I have zero tolerance for those type of people. What is the purpose of their existence? Nasty people like that, the ones they show no compassion for others orย  don’t seem to care about others is truly a disgusting as well as PITIFUL site.

MOST GET MAD WHEN YOU CALL THEM PITIFUL OR INSIGNIFICANT.ย 

It is almost humorous, if it wasn’t so damn sad.

No matter how someone looks on the outside, that black heart is enough to make them unattractive and ugly, indeed.

I once thought that everyone thought with the same heart that I did.ย 

Boy, WAS I WRONG!

Not everyone has the same heart I do and that was an extremely hard lesson for me to learn. I thought just because I wouldn’t never screw someone over to hurt them like that but I thought everyone else thought the same way but they don’t!

Judgmental people have ugly hearts, as do abusers, control freaks, unhappy people and the list could go on.

Narcissistic tendencies and behavior, arrogant attitudes and no compassion for others are KEY attributes to one with an ugly heart. As far as I’m concerned, anyone that has a heart that is that unattractive, is evil.ย 

Some more than others, but anyone that will hurt someone else ON PURPOSE is evil any which way you look at it!

It blows my mind that most people these days, seem to have nasty hearts and they hurt others on purpose.ย I just don’t “get” that mindset.ย  They seem to get by with it and I just don’t “get” that, either.

In summary, I just don’t understand anyone that enjoys making others hurt and suffer ~ DO YOU?

I eventually learned how to decipher fake from real.

Time will tell because a person cannot fake being something they aren’t, not for long anyway.ย  They are going to slip up, no doubt about it. Women are more likely to slip up than men, in my opinion. Women are led by emotions, men are not.

PAY ATTENTION … To what your gut tells you inside.

One thing you can bet money on is that they can’t fake it for to long, until their true character appears. Just be patient.

It’s just a matter of WHEN?ย 

I’ve observed that true personalities SHINE THROUGH within three months and take no longer than six months, generally speaking.ย 

However, I’ve known someย  that have taken up to a year before their trueness showed through. Those are the exceptions to the rule.

Those are the ones that you don’t expect and because of that, you end up getting hurt worse.

… Real people recognize other real people and they also recognize who’s NOT real.

It’s a shame, but use caution when meeting someone for the first time. Whether it’s a potential friend or lover, don’t let them fully “in” until at least 3 months have passed. You think your being mean because of that ~ no, you are protecting yourself.

Being able to discern through to people’s true nature is a gift as well as an acquired and learned ability.ย 

It’s actually learned through hard core life situations.ย  It is not something you just automatically know nor is it for the weak minded individual.ย 

Only the strong will survive โœ‹

Have you ever wondered what goes through someone’s mind when they intentionally use and hurt people?

How do they justify it within themselves to make someone’s life miserable – ON PURPOSE – even if just for a moment?

I’m sure it’s because they are miserable within themselves and their own life, which makes them yearn to bring others down around them. They cannot stand to see others around them happy.

Like the cowards they are, with the games they playโœŒ๏ธ they could really push a weaker minded individual over the edge! Big bully’s is are all they are and it’s NOT attractive.

I had to really push through things life threw at me and I did it without making others cry. I never hurt someone on purpose, even when they hurt me.ย  It’s just not me. I have a heart.

Are ugly hearts really that delusional and arrogant to think it’s truly okay to bring others to their knees?

They are disgusting individuals, the cockroaches of society is the perfect description.

Weaklings, because they hide behind and hurt real people with big hearts in order to blend in and to make themselves feel like they are somebody.ย 

They really are transparent when you become gifted in discerning their true nature.

Transparency at it finest ~

They feast on …

people that are going through hard times, weighed down by the weight of their circumstances.

The weak scaredey cats feed on those unfortunate ones and then dive in for the kill. I hate someone being a bully.

That truly pisses me off. I’ve been the victim in something similar before, a few times in my life and it makes my blood boil to see someone being manipulated in that fashion. I am now A SURVIVOR!

Cowards have radar for weakness and they use it to zone in on those that have some weakness BUT it’s not your fault if you fall for their lies ~ the first time! It takes getting burned a few times before you get good at spoting those types when you first met them.ย 

How are you supposed to automatically know, unless your told or shown? I had to learn the hard way, no one gave me a heads up ๐Ÿ˜ž

Hold you head up ~ just proceed with caution.ย 

That’s why I get so upset.ย  Those big fat babies won’t pick on an individual that stands up to them.ย 

Once I began to stand up to these types, their bark is noticably worse than their bite.

I eventually learned how to take those losers down. I will stand up to them now with no problem.ย 

I’m no longer afraid of those with hateful and ugly hearts that hurt on purpose.

My question remains though ~ why do people walk around on eggshells around those type of folks?

They need to be held accountable for their hideous actions, in my opinion and I will call them out on their shit. They hate that and use righteous indignation when you do but I see right through that …


… FINALLY …

Experience leads you to knowledge which gives you the courage and righteous anger with meekness to stand up to them.

Anger is needed to give you the boost to say something to them.ย  Use your righteous anger and meekness does not mean weak like most think.ย  Meekness means …

… STRENGTH UNDER CONTROL …

You will also learn to listen and recognize your gut feeling on any individual orย  situation.

REMEMBER THIS:ย  Your gut feeling will NEVER lie to you.

I have never understood the mentality of Stupidity that enjoys causing emotional pain on purpose. What kind of sick freak does that?

There is just no valid reason for anyone to be hateful and mean toward someone else hurting them simply because they feel the need to in order to feel better about themselves.ย 

Kindness costs nothing and it’s positive, and causes less wrinkles and it’s contagious!

Kindness given to someone makes them happy and in turn it makes that person want to show kindness to someone else!

Be kind to someone today!

๐Ÿ’™ Thank you for reading, commenting, and following ๐Ÿ’š

A REAL MAN

I’ve been asked, “How do you know he’s not living a separate life and staying loyal to you”?

“Especially when he’s not around for two weeks, sometimes more, at a time?”

It angers me when someone that doesn’t even know you says to me, “You don’t KNOW for sure he could be talking to others on the phone”, … then leave me dangling.

But I know you aren’t talking nor are you hanging out with other females, because you would tell me if you were.

How do I know ~ I know this because I’ve told you how it would hurt me. I just believe you when you tell me you aren’t. “Your a real man. Am I wrong?”

They call me NAIVE for truly trusting you. That you are doing those things when away from me. I simply cannot picture you doing that because your not a mean or sneaky person. They have no right to categorize you in with all the others.

They don’t understand a real man like you because they are close minded and believe all men are the same as one that hurt them or because they themselves are NOT a real man. I’ve been hurt to, but still I know that’s …

… not true … about you …

I get mad because that type of crap makes my thoughts go crazy and wanna doubt you but I fiercely push them aside.

Holding onto WHAT YOU’VE TOLD ME. “Your a real man. Am I wrong?”

Deep down I DO know that you wouldn’t hurt me or disrespect me in that way. Neither of us have deviated from that the way we discussed it originally and you are a man of your word. “Your a real man. Am I wrong?”

But they say, I’m stupid for believing you. I don’t care because my gut tells me your true to me. “I know your a real man. Am I wrong?”

I would have never believed loyality existed before I met you, that someone could be true, honest and straight up.

Yet, after meeting you, I know your that one in a million and would never stoop that low because you respect me more than that plus, I know for you its also a matter of inner character …

… Because your a REAL man, and to kind-hearted to hurt and I would already know if you weren’t,

by your eyes, because that’s something you cannot hide. A real man that is because A REAL man, has a heart.

They can say whatever they want but I know “Your a real man. Am I wrong?”

“Thank you for being A REAL MAN”!

This was written in honor of my bfwb!

Please Like my fb page FINDING YOUR BEST FRIEND WITH BENEFITS dedicated to my bfwb!

Similar posts about my bffwb:

Where does the love go

Tears falling down

Beyond the score of normal

NEVERLAND

Why

Just maybe

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray

โค๏ธ Thank you for reading, commenting, and following ๐Ÿ’š

Just maybe …

… Progression … little by little … I’m moving closer to the me that’s deep in my soul.

Floating, with tears falling and seeing no end … I’m there smiling because I know what it took,

To make it where I am presently. Strong, yet fragile … holding inside what most couldn’t handle …

On the outside … struggling though no one saw, barely making everything seem normal to those around.

Not a lot of distance between us … and, I can’t help but daydream about you in many suggestive ways …

Suggestions appear in my head, maybe your thinking about me?

… I desire you, pondering about me, for any amount of time. I would smile, then cry with happy tears,

But do you ever really just think about me and how you like my smile? my laugh? my kiss? my touch? … Crazy!

Over and over thoughts turned in my brain, in wonderment at YOU getting into me … was it possible?

I do hope it was an accurate wish. Secretly, my daydreams turn into you …

Stars fall down from the sky, twinkling their fire … gazing up watching them descend past the darkness,

Progression … I feel the blood race to my face, I cannot hide what you draw out of me,

passion … passion …

Igniting my soul with a flame higher than the clouds … Oh yes, you’re in most every thought that’s

Floating down, passing up all the rest … In my heart. There will not be others taking up room

Inside my head … Only you, your smile, your smirk, your eyes, your voice, and your personality combined …

With sexual tension, growing daily, between … hotter than hotter … distance …

Are you maybe, just maybe having thoughts about me?

That would be possibly the most awesome thing

To happen … Progression … I’m dealing the only way I know how,

Dangling, was me in the tree … It’s all about you, even when it’s about me because I’m all about you … haven’t you seen?

Progression is advancing toward the process of advancement. Although you … standing by me, thick or thin … Hero!

It’s never there, I’m painfully aware, in my life … You’re hanging sometimes far back from me,

Accepting … but silently my heart smiles, grateful for your eyes … they tell the truth ~ no place to hide.

Loyal yet sexy, still they show more than you really know, or else you would put sunglasses

On and just walk on out.

They show what we have, what I’m always daydreaming about … some part of your presence

That fills me up, screaming your name and your eyes … They show me a lot deep in your soul, you may not want me to see

But I “feel” it and those fiery eyes tell me you do, for real, care more than a lot, about me …

Just maybe, you will see that as okay, nothing will change. I’m falling down … inside my head,

Breathing rapidly … Seeing strength and allowing pain, to sear through me

Showing me, I would be crushed in my soul, if you ever disbarred …

In my greater old age. See, I’m going to need you for as long as I’m alive in this place …

Progression sees the beyond that we have between, grinning and at peace, finally inside.

If not you stay, that’s a defeat … In my mind, my heart, my emotions yet will …

It come out, in other places? Only those eyes, they tell your soul, when they are staring me down … With you pressing down on me

I tell you … to …

dive deep into my soul …

Where there are no lies, and I can see yours, from your beautiful eyes …

๐Ÿ’‹ LIKE my Facebook page I created in honor of my bfwb!

๐Ÿ˜Š Other posts about my bffwb:

A real man

Where does the love go

NEVERLAND for mature readers

Tears falling down

The imprint of you on my heart

Beyond the scope of normal For mature readers

Why

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray

๐Ÿ’š Thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’™

Sleepless in Texas โœŒ๏ธ

I’m undiagnosed and untreated with adult ADHD and it’s progression has worsened, especially within the past three to six months. I don’t know why. I’m just familiar with my body emotionally and physically, and both areas are freaking out more than ever.

I’ve silently suffered from ADHD my entire life. There were some times that were worse than others; however, recently has been the worse time of all.

I think to myself, “Yay, in my early golden years I get to put up with this craziness magnified. I’m so scattered and I know that people can see the crazy old lady I am perceived to be. Great, I think to myself. Perfect.

I know others are sick to death of hearing me complain about my undiagnosed state as well as being untreated. They have been sweet not to say anything, but “I’m afraid they may leave if I keep it up, like all the others in my past”. Paralyzing thoughts. Yay ๐Ÿ‘Œ thank you ADHD. Your thoughts will lie to you. It suxxx.

I have a very small circle including my landlady (who is a very good friend), my BFWB, and my platonic male friend Kenny. That’s about it. I have a very small circle. Less drama and less people judging me, and less people to screw me over. I’ve had my fill of those types in my life, no more for me

I know people would think I was mental if I were to go out in public. I have let myself go physically and I’m ashamed.

I mistakingly thought I could overcome it with mind over matter but boy, was I totally wrong. I used to be so pretty now I feel like a troll ๐Ÿ™„

My sleep patterns are non- existent and wacky, for lack of a better word.

I do have my crazy moments though, real talk! Focusing only through writing and the lessons learned about my mistakes in life.

The fact that I can’t control a lot of this scares me but what can I do? Nothing, but move forward the best I can, praying for the day I can afford to see a clinic or Doctor that will treat me.

Long story short, my clinic is a sliding scale government funded clinic and they told me they didn’t prescribe stimulants nor did they have funding to test for ADHD.

I could bear and handle the symptoms, for the most part, until three to six months ago. They became worse and almost unbearable. I’ve struggled big-time ever since as if it were brand new to me.

I’ve worked harder on this blog site and content than I ever have with anything else! There is an almost explosive drive behind me, keeping me going with little sleep for days. I’m exhausted, excited, scared, anxious and distant all in one. But I keep plodding along until my battery runs out altogether.

Conquering my addiction was easier than dealing with this, I believe.

The ADHD explains the addiction, because I was addicted to cocaine. A stimulant (ADHD is treated with synthetic methamphetamine – which is a simulant as well) and I was unconsciously self medicating I’m sure in hopes of feeling “normal”.

Cocaine does not treat ADHD to any real degree. (maybe take the edge off and numb your emotions so you don’t feel the effects of ADHD symptoms) That’s why I felt little relief while getting hooked in the process. I’ve been clean over five years. That was only after five horrible relapses but I was not one to give up, so I kept trying to stop and finally I did.

I need relief and soon from this emotional hell.

Tomorrow is another day in which I really need to clean my house. Another one of ADHDs symptoms at work. These emotions can paralyze you into not being able to do anything. Sometimes, I can push through that and other times I simply cannot.

I was blessed to have RAW determination that has gotten me through my weakest points. I never know how I’m going to make it, but somehow I just do.

I’m grateful today for the revelations in my personal growth, but I need a break to rest.

LIKE my Facebook page for help and info for living with ADHD and other stigma related diseases, disorders and lifestyles: https://www.facebook.com/stopandkillthestigma/

The imprint of you on my heart

Ohhhh, have I gone to far in my need of you?

Life is to scary without your presence … I want your attention, your recognition that I matter…

Life tried to change me and I struggle to deal but your hand has always been there, for me.

Hoping you will stay patient one more time,
with my moments of
deep revelations I have inside โค๏ธ screaming at myself inside to stop the negative thoughts…

So you won’t leave me floating in the wind.
I’m satisfied, I tremble and as I glance at you,
Are you satisfied? I wonder, shamefully. I would do anything for you… Please don’t leave.

Thoughts swirling so fast
Prayers for you to understand, please stay or I will die inside.

Fear abounds but I say

NO MORE
It screeches to a halt…

I already knew, deep down past the fear. You’ve never let me down.

I know I can never lose you … Or else I would be lost.

๐Ÿ’•LIKE my fb page that is dedicated to my BFWB ๐Ÿ’‹

Other posts about my bfwb: Where does the love go

NEVERLAND for mature readers

A REAL MAN

Just maybe

Tears falling down

Beyond the scope of normal for mature readers

Why

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray

Caught between struggling and serenity

I’m in a place that is serene mixed with disarray. I wonder if anyone else understands what I mean by that?

I am I’m the process of learning a lot about myself for the first time in my life and it’s an incredible experience, I must say! It’s scary yet it is very surreal as well.

I’m dealing with a few health issues at the moment.ย  Adult ADHD which is undiagnosed and untreated, diabetes 2, COPD, and that’s it for now. I’m also in the process of quitting smoking. I’ve got a lot going on and the progression of the ADHD had gotten worse over the last few months and it’s been very difficult to live with.

I’m not very old and in my mind I’m very young but I suppose in the general scheme of things, I’m aging but I know where it counts, I won’t ever grow up, thankfully! I try daily to be positive and focus on helping myself and others.

Life is full of surprises that’s for sure and if your not paying close attention you may miss the lessons you are supposed to learn. I know I missed a lot in my life I was supposed to learn because I wasn’t listening. I’m just thankful that I learned any lessons at all. I was a late learner, but at least I didn’t quit until I learned and gained wisdom. My best friend and guy helps me a lot and I suppose I’m too dependent on him but he handles me like a champ.

So, this crossroads is a weird place to get in life but I can feel it’s very necessary in order to move forward. I’m just reaping what I had sown in the past. Bad decisions can ruin your life.

Is this something I can bounce back from? I wonder this deeply inside, God, I hope so because I have the faith inside that I can. I don’t know where it comes from but it is always there. Not allowing me to quit.

I’m apprehensive now because I know I’m very fragile emotionally.ย  I’m good in general; however, I just need to be aware of that fact and be gentle with myself. (We tend the be hard on ourselves and that could keep us from moving forward in and itself, so watch how you treat yourself. Others abuse us, please don’t abuse yourself too).ย  I will have too get through this, somehow.

Sheer determination grips my heart โค๏ธ showing me that it is in control. I can’t sleep but I can write and focus on answering questions on QUORA and promoting my blog in hopes to make money soon with it.ย  I’m driven, hard, even in the throes of insomnia.ย  It helps me to help others when I’m feeling this way.ย  It drives me, yet I’m exhausted to my bones.

There must be no other option, I must survive this. I’ve never quit before I won’t start now.

I tell myself it will all be okay and this to shall pass โœŒ๏ธ now I have too believe it.

*Look for my Facebook pages that focus on the STIGMA of living with ADHD and addictions and recovery as well. https://www.facebook.com/stopandkillthestigma/
https://www.facebook.com/steppingintorecoverywithJesus/