… the unknown …

The UNKNOWN is killing me by not knowing … while the worst scenarios play out in my head …

I’m not ready to “leave”, I have so much left to do … Death waits on no one when it’s your time and that is why I’m afraid …

I’m afraid of not being remembered or worse, being remembered for all my mistakes and not my heart …

I want to make a difference and I’m afraid I won’t have time to show my kids that difference … in me …

They have never seen the real me inside that wasn’t clouded with drugs or emotional issues … I’m finally me now God, please don’t take me now … I just learned who I am and can show that around, but …

It’s the UNKNOWN that’s hell …

not knowing …

I can’t go through this alone, I already know … But how can I ask someone to be there for me … I’m lost and terrified of what MAY BE … it wouldn’t be fair but oh I need you … my best friend …

Someone with my issues at hand seem to have little knowledge of what I think may be wrong or could be wrong, yet I don’t know exactly and that frightens me more …

Does that make sense?

I have never been so afraid as I am now because of what I know it COULD be. Please God, don’t take me away after I’ve just recently found, forgiven and learned to love myself … now that I’ve become free … please give me some more time here on Earth since I’ve been blessed worth this man you gave me too and I want to enjoy him – is this so wrong?

Allow me to do good and help someone … Please let me make things right with my babies … I’m begging you.

Please let my children see the me they haven’t ever seen and see that it is a good me … That’s all I ask …

For my babies to see, that I’m not what I’ve shown, that my love for them has only grown. I need them to know, without a doubt, they are my heart. I need them to know how I’ve thought about them every second I’ve been away from them.

God wouldn’t have shown me all the things He has recently, just to have me perish now. That’s what I tell myself, but …

It’s the NOT knowing that is killing me …

Terrified … I can’t handle this on my own if it’s not good news,

What to do? I don’t want to be a burden but I will need someone to lean on. (Not just anyone) Is that going to be okay, my mind asks?

I can’t talk to many about it so I get zero support where others get all they need. I wish that was me … I don’t want to push him away because he’s all I have … I need him to stay and to be with me, IF …

I have no one else and if it’s bad news … I just know being alone is not for me, not with this. I don’t want to be a pain but I’m gonna need the one I hold dear … That’s not a lot … Will he be there and my babies – will they care …

If I just KNEW, it wouldn’t be the UNKNOWN …

©chellesrawthoughts

Afterthought: If you have ever been afraid of ANYTHING unknown (dying, a chronic illness, etc.. ) then this post is for you!
💚 Thank you for reading, commenting and following 💜
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Why

foreword: Let me first explain how this particular blog post was born. It was early in our exclusive relationship and I had mistakenly believed my BFWB had lied to me. Later on I figured out that I was wrong but I had already written this to him. I was so thankful I had been wrong …
05-03-19 revised

Why?

Of all people … me! I’m broken beyond recognition …

Why?

You crushed my very soul …

Put out my fire and hurt me in places

I didn’t know existed …

You hid something from me …

Why?

I just don’t get it 😭

That cuts me more
Than the possibility of you
replacing me in your life which that scares me to the horrible depths

Of my fucking heart … You hid it from me!

Why?

I thought that I gave you the best of both worlds … Only asking to be exclusive …

I’ve backed off as much as I possibly could with you pulling away from me every day …

I felt that and was afraid ..

Why did you hide that from me …

Are you pulling away thinking I am like the rest in your past – testing me as such …

I long for you to just enjoy hanging again …

I gave my heart to you and all

I expected was loyalty in return …

But you had to go and hide that. I’m devastated …

Why?

Loyalty and respect went out the window when you hid that from me …

I know I’m hard to love maybe even like but before now there was never a problem …

Why don’t you like me anymore because I feel it and it is ripping my heart into shreds …

How did I deserve to be

disrespected so bad …

To my very bones, I am hurt because you felt you couldn’t show me what you hid …

Why!?

Why?

You despise liars and thieves …

People that pull out moves like that …

That is what I don’t understand …

How could you treat me like so lowly …

Me, who would do anything in this world for you, like I never mattered at all …

Unless for another and you don’t want to say because of whatever reaction you think I may give …

But damn … you hid that away from me, unnecessarily. That’s what made me feel, there was something to hide …

Am I just that dumb?

why?

I want us to stay like we are … I need you in my life …

You know I will never ask you for what you cannot give …

Your more important to me than I ever realized, and I figured that out when you pulled away …

I don’t think I can make it every day without you …

I’ve grown used to our sex, and our deep but open friendship, or is that all just felt on my side …

then i think again about you felt that you had to hide something you knew I’d notice and be hurt inside and also to wonder, will I ever be able to let you go if you so choose …

Had I been wrong

… To let you in …

I will give you any thing you need.

Please stay

Losing you would not be good for me …

However I need you to be completely honest with me, no matter if it hurts me or not …

I don’t want to bother, if that is gone …

Please stay with me and….

then the reason you hid …

Well at least, maybe you will finally tell me and

I will know why …

❤️

I just found out ..

You may have not hid …

Maybe you had fears of getting to close or simply are sick of me being around …

But at least tell me … So I know why …

… because I know now… You will never leave …

My hopes were finally right! Your never going to leave me alone …

©chellesrawthoughts

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Wisdom is gold

(revised 10-08-19)

Wisdom comes with life’s experiences as well as with age … Be ready – to be thoroughly amazed …

Hold onto wisdom like it is pure gold …

watch her as she breaks the mold …

Helping people who’ve been struggling is a sign of wisdom on your part … letting them know all the pitfalls in getting there was truly very smart … helping especially, despite your inner pain … when you have knowledge of yourself it is one huge gain …

No more holding things inside or trying to cover things up … although the majority of people are corrupt … they won’t allow you to see them from the inside …

Facing your fears not running from them … with wisdom and you on this knowledge ride

Wouldn’t that be an amazing sight … … Just knowing what you feel is right as rain …

No question …

Before or after your thoughts turn mundane …

thoughts were coming left as well as right …
Circling around me … hovering over … as if experiencing a major plight … Not stopping so I could see …

Clarity … I need clarity …

Wisdom should be loyal with huge doses of respect times ten …

Emulating from others as well as from within …

clear thoughts falling down around you,

And in those moments, you have to reflect … blurred recollections are certainly cause for reject …

On how precious wisdom truly is … regardless if it’s any of your biz … contemplating your main thoughts instead

Did I really find wisdom you may have said …

Bad decisions and good alike … are going to happen to all of us and others on sight …

Caused rivalry between the best … And you’re in a test …

unknowingly …

I’m glad wisdom found me the older I became …

It snuck up on me so quickly …

Looking for it so hard that I became quite disdain …

Not knowing how to handle her in my strange ways …

It was hit and miss for quite some days … Never giving up, holding onto the hope … coveting wisdom in her entirety …

On her curvaceous slopes… Once you know that … know you can never turn it around to help with unwanted anxiety …

Wisdom has your heart so full …

making your home so warm … causing your heart to be full with laughter floating out from the windows while

happiness and smiles coat with her charm …

Life seems different once wisdom is here and as you know… Wisdom is precious and she is solid – she’s just pure gold ❤️

© chellesrawthoughts

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Perpetual madness of the mind

I feel lost …

Alone…terribly alone …

Fighting back is getting old …

I’m ready for someone to take my hand, telling me I’m not alone. Tears drop silently down onto the chilly, dark night ground.

I’m so cold inside my soul, shivering through to my bones. I try to concentrate in hopes this apprehension calms down inside. It’s not a physical cold, it’s from the inside out.

Shaky inside from my head to the tips of my toes, my feet, sludging along, as if in quicksand, my brain hurts, throbbing into the secret parts of my very soul.

Heinous taunts come from the thoughts that aren’t mine, making this world seem unfeeling, not giving me any consolation. Making me stay in this miserable place. No matter how I fight, I cannot leave.

I’m not fully depressed, that’s the whole thing. This crazy disorder I’ve dealt with forever is the culprit and stress only magnifies the intensity of the anxiety, depression and ADHD blackness.

After this feeling leaves, I simply brush it off and go on. It lasts so long; however, I’m always grateful when it’s gone.

Feeling wrung out from the energy it takes to go through what I’ve described above.

I’m just pleased it’s over, for now anyway, but knowing it will return again soon enough …

I cringe …

I can handle the hyper moments because I’m at my most creative during those exuberant times.

I won’t sleep for days at a time and I write, write, write my little heart out.

It’s almost like I’m on drugs, it’s euphoric almost! I almost don’t want meds for it because of these “high” times.

No, it’s these moments as I related above, that pitches me straight into the pit of hell. The hopeless, dark, cold and lonely world.

The stronghold is real and harrowing, nevertheless you will feel as if it will never end …

… infinity.

I can certainly see how some want to die to get out, yet my soul would never let me take myself away.

It will last as long as “it” decides and I’m stuck, riding those crashing waves. Holding on for dear life, as they beat me down, struggling to keep my thoughts mine.

Slowly it happens, and when it’s over, I go back to ordinary things but I know before long, I will be transported back to the blackness.

God does, thankfully, look out for me during these nosedives into hell, otherwise I know I would never be released.

©chellesRAWthoughts

❤️“ADHD depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the door”

💜 LIKE my Facebook page that focuses on stigma related disorders, illnesses and diseases.

⭐ For help with ADHD depression click this link and they will help you find help with ADHD mental illness in your area.

Click here to take the test to see if you are suffering from ADULT ADHD.

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cOmpLeteLy me 👠

foreword: This post touches on people’s hurts and the walls they put up after being hurt, whether it’s emotionally or physically ~ when this happens they usually shut everyone out, especially if they have been hurt time and again, but if they are blessed, they have that one person who they let in … A lover, friend, sibling, etc … In my case, it is my best friend and beyond ~ my soulmate … I hope this brings hope that even though people suck … Don’t give up on finding one that you can 100% trust!

cOmpLeteLy me 👠

People mistakingly believe ~ thinking they know me, because of what I show ~ it has to be true ~ they love to gossip and make fun … while passing judgement on what they see and think they know ~ but all they REALLY know, is what I show … because BITCHES I’m in control …

I’m so much more than they can see … Never can I allow them to see …

💄… COMPLETELY ME …👠

I made the mistake when I was so young ~ to trust a little to easily … I learned quite fast that people suck ~ that’s why there’s but one that cared enough for me ~ to go through the darkness and slay the dragons for me …

So ~ he’s the only one I can show the real me … Because always with him I’m …

👠 COMPLETELY ME …💄

It pains me deep inside that some see me ONLY as a bitch, a slut, no good, lazy, stupid, a problem, a burden or they think I just don’t care …

… when …

✏️All I do is care … not what people think so much … but care that I’m seen for MY heart … not MY mistakes …

… I cared to much and years ago that almost broke my soul …

📓And still now … I care … But the hardness I learned to use to cover it up … Masks me now, so …

… THEY CAN NEVER SEE …

👠 … COMPLETELY ME …💄

I was hurt to much by fake souls acting like they should be close to me … They ruined it for all with one exception you see ~ my tough exterior will never show them what I don’t want them to see ~

… they will never see …

💄 cOmpLeteLy me

They don’t have permission to see, the complete me or the me I was always supposed to be … I’m NOT GOING TO ALLOW THEM ~ TO HURT ANYMORE OF ME … There’s only one allowed inside of me ~ just so he can see and that’s my soulmate that’s free ~ free to see EVERY part of me ~ because always with him I’m

💄 … COMPLETELY ME …👠

The hard exterior I acquired
… in order to be … came at a heavy price you see … so the softness inside … could not be crushed one more time in me …

⚡ Because … I only show them what I want them to see …

Because I’m so much more than anyone is allowed to see … They do not deserve to see … the me that I was supposed to be … only what I want them to know is what I show …

because BITCHES I’m in control 💪

it’s all about him being able to see … since he’s number one with me … Because always with him I’m …👣

👠 … COMPLETELY ME …💄

Not many have made it past the hardness that’s shielding me ~ only a handful in reality ~ because only a few deserved to remain with me … because they can hang with me and be loyal to me and those who can’t …✏️ they can never see … the me I was always meant to be … The main population indeed … was never going to deserve ~

👠… COMPLETELY ME …💄

I can be sensitive, sweet, stubborn, goofy, quick to forgive, discerning, and even sometimes afraid … The last few came with time and deep pain …

📓 Shouldn’t I show only certain parts of me … that the hardness hides inside me … But it won’t change the fact ~ that I won’t allow any to see … The me that I was truly meant to be …

But ~ always with him I’m …

COMPLETELY ME …👠

Others see bits of what I permit them to see … So, call me names or talk bad about me ~ because although I do care ~ never will you see … the reality of me … To be able to get past and inside of me … because there is only that one ~ that is free to see ~ because always with him I’m …

💄… COMPLETELY ME …👠

THERE’S JUST SO MUCH MORE TO ME THAN I ALLOW ANYONE TO SEE …

Only my best friend and beyond is free ~ to hang with me …🕶️

… people pretend to care and it’s plain to me ~ it’s for heartless reasons you see …

… that no one cares …⚡

… because of greed and jealousy ~ however in reality ~ no one really cares about you nor do they care about me … unless by magic and grace … true angels appear to me …

Those precious few that stick close … are the ones that you don’t have to fear and you shall allow them to be ~ keepers of the keys to your soul indeed ~ so the the fake ones won’t see ~ so never again will I show anyone but him … Because …

… always with him I’m …

👠 COMPLETELY ME …💄

Those angels are rare … Don’t let them go … hold onto them tightly ~ Mine are precious to me ~ my angels … They are down for me ~ Those angels are very few you see and there’s only one that can ever see …

💄… Completely me …👠

If you don’t know me ~ and all you see … is a mask hiding a big part of me … Don’t be surprised because indeed you won’t need ~ to actually see ~ the me that I’m supposed to be …

Once you care enough to climb over my walls and dig in with me … I’m loyal to mine … and when they’re loyal to me …

That’s when they will see …

… COMPLETELY ME …💄

©chellesrawthoughts

👠 thank you for reading, commenting, and following 💄

I would have never dreamed 🤩

I was completely caught off guard tonight … you would never have said those words unless you meant them and I know I had to look a sight …

… still in disbelief … I pinch myself to make sure it’s real and to know it is, is such a huge relief …

you won my heart and trust that very first day … you came back to me after fleeing twice … I think it was because you knew you’d want to stay …

OMG I am over the top happy … yes I will move to the little house behind yours … my own little cottage of candy … hummm I can’t help to think what will go on behind those doors …

nothing has to change and it won’t with me … I just know I’m going to be more happy … I think so will you be … together more often than we have ever seen …

I believe it will be great because we enjoy each other … for me at least there will never be another … I will strive not to make you feel smothered … oh we have so much to discover!

©chellesrawthoughts

baby I’m waiting for you 💋

That horrible day you were taken is engraved in my mind … I felt incredibly lost because you’re unique and one of a kind … they themselves should be arrested for that vicious crime …

I was so afraid to be alone … I had to calm down and set the tone … to be an adult more than I’ve ever shown …

it’s been almost two months now with seven more to go … every single day – for us both – I know that time creeps by ever so slow … you’re more precious to me now than you will ever know …

I cannot fathom life without you around, not anymore … Without you here daily creates the horrendous chore … of having to be strong deep down to my souls very core …

Being a grown up is just not my thing … I’ve just had to be since they took you away because you are my king … forever you have the loyality from me that I will bring …

Silent tears threaten to roll down my face … I try wiping them away so there is no trace … I gather myself and stay in my own space …

Away from other couples that argue and complain … I smile to myself, thankful we are not the same … We get along so wonderfully, putting those others to shame …

I will hold on tight and never will I let go … Boo Bear 🐻 this you really need to know … my heart is yours, hold it gently and keep it under control …

Streaks of tears falling fast now, down my cheeks … I look up toward heaven and smile, not feeling so bleak … because God gave me to you and I’m no longer weak …

Seven more months, I would wait on you millions more … There is none like you anywhere, finding you was quite the chore … You are definitely and certainly worth waiting for …

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… yOu … me …

I stay up at night thinking of

… yOu …

the BEAUTY of yOur sOuL radiates into

… me …

causing me to feeL

… yOu …

the amazement of yOu creates in

… me …

a deep excitement in seeing

… yOu …

causing a hurricane of thoughts in

… me …

I’m in wonderment of the essence of

… yOu …

yOu make my heartbeat throb …

… me …

I cause the naughty thoughts in…

… yOu …

yOu make tingles shoot through

… me …

making the private parts on

… yOu …

seek out the intimate parts on

… me …

making the emotions on

… yOu …

grab my face and begin kissing

… me …

while I grab for the hugs from

… yOu …

instead it’s yOu wanting from

… me …

my body pressed up against

… yOu …

clinging to the sOuL of

… me …

that brings out the radiating sOuL of

… yOu …

causing yOu to explode in

… me …

makes me gush all over

… yOu …

trembling – yOu hold

… me …

as tightly as I hold

… yOu …

sleep soon will come to

… me …

my heart will always belong to

… yOu …

©chellesrawthoughts

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beyOnd beSt friendS 👫

I met him in the craziest way … God told me that first night that “he is the one” … and when I opened my door and saw him – I said, “oh yeah this one needs to stay” … silently I thought … “Wow thank You God – a job well done” …

We instantly bonded and were extremely turned on … partying, gabbing, heavily flirting and more … staying up making out until the first break of dawn … I was in heaven loving all of him and he was certainly no bore …

… for three days and nights we played, made love and fuc*ed … together we were off tha chain … we allowed nothing to interrupt … I couldn’t get this man outta my brain …

Making hot, steamy and naughty love was amazing times ten … it never mattered where the other had been … never did I know naughtiness was supposed to be like that … intimately speaking it was INDESCRIBABLE unlike any other I’ve played at …

… there were no games played and no lies told … refreshing to us that we both broke the mold … he brought me back to life … I was simply existing because inside of me there lay a lot of strife …

… over the course of several months our bond became stronger than strong … I felt in my gut that this couldn’t be wrong … time kept it’s pace … moving forward it did … we could always be found hanging out at my little place …

I completely fell and fell hard for this man … he took it in stride and had a secret plan … he showed me how a real man dealt with his life … and treated those close to him with patience while unknowingly keeping me alive …

He is my hero as well as my best friend and beyond … BEYOND benefits BEYOND love and BEYOND best friends … I am so in awe I can barely respond … he is so much BEYOND the traditional boyfriend bond …

I honestly could not live life without his heart … it was as if I’d known right from the start … God whispered that night, “He is the one” … “thank You God it was a job well done …”

©chellesrawthoughts

👫 this poem is about my guy – my best friend and beyond – he means the world to me … there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him … I know he would be the same way towards me! It’s been four years this month … since we met and have had prettying much exclusive ever since ...
“A soulmate connection is not sycophantic. No power struggles. No game playing. You don’t have to worry about treading on eggshells or keeping the peace. You don’t considering that words or actions will be thrown back and used as evidence should there be a future spat, although time will tell with this one. You feel their strength in the gentlest of ways and have no desire to hurt them, or test their loyalties. A soulmate connection says it’s OK to be different, perhaps one of you thrives on social media, while the other prefers a more private existence, under the radar. Any stresses or difficulties are diminished with one word from the other, or a solitary text, in one fell swoop.”
💃thank you for reading following and commenting🕺

💔 mommy dearest 💔

💔 revised post from mother’s day this year 💔

I couldn’t believe it … when I was first told … the person that raised me was for real is a petty mean troll … She was hateful indeed and there was no doubt … that loathing she did went beyond way up and out … Yet my being raised so out of control … it was the devil from hell that wanted my soul …

Once I knew that she loved to hurt me … she sure did that that to me a lot indeed … On purpose was her pain … aimed directly at my brain … where it was disordered yet sane … although crazy causing anxiety in my brain …

For years, I made it my mission that I’d find a way to please … the evil monster she was … while up to appease … The orders she tried to succumb … yet instead she managed to regain control over some …

She blamed me for several … of covered up wrongs … my disorder playing like an old song … with her look of disgust … that quickly became a must … to settle on down … to calm my fears while coveting my trust …

She hated on me … for many years more…. while telling me I was never going to be any good … that I was brainless and dumb … I was told time and again … I knew better and when … I disagreed with her … it was much to her chagrin …

Feeling ashamed that I was being stupid all over again … I had no real guidance that gave me a start … with me … grasping for instructions on the minute details of her black heart …

Through the cloudy ADHD haze … disordered and dazed … feeling the hatred from her arrive … for her it’s just in due time … realizing then that she must … not love me … while claiming that I was the one that was acting real bad … yes that had to be me …

I’d feel so bad that I couldn’t be good … this evil woman I’d begun to hate … while I realized that I would never be understood … her knowing that goodness … freely flowed out of me … that depressing blanket of black … hovered above me … while covering up the unimpeachable … just step back, wait and see …

Paralyzing taunts from the evil in her …. that plagued my thoughts … I certainly was not any old amatuer … ONLY WANTING HER TO LOVE ME … all that now thank God is a blur … Yet all I could do then … is pray that everything was going to be okay …

She turned my sweet … my baby girl … into a mini little “she” … told her fake news all about me … making me want to flee … these roads while just leaving all this be …

I was slipping away into that cold dark pit – that was harrowing, scary and warm not a bit … why do I always get accused of being an irritating brat …

… the fact that I’m really smart … isn’t very well known and she lied to me … which definitely did set the pace … it’s set in stone and unfortunately for me … I fell in disgrace and her presence followed me … lurking all around the place …

she was always telling more lies about me … unforgettable yet still absurd … now as I look back on those shameful days thankfully those days of old … I often never ever heard … the apologies resounding from her frosty cold soul …

she’s never going to accept me, ever I thought … that I’d never make it back from all of the dark words and shameful taunts …

the evil clinging inside of her brain – is way hotter than hell … I would never be the same … so much confusing chaos … all around her while silently praying but to no avail … she’d go head first … crashing through my many mistakes … while holding them all not just one … over me with no brakes …

I don’t feel guilty or anything bad … because I’m free to hate her now … for any unpleasantness that narcissists spread … The guilt as the scapegoat almost suffocated me many years ago … from the lies, calling names and with references that I’d been born from down below …

throughout each night … from daylight to dark … I’d been brought down real low … I should’ve fallen apart …

I craved for her to acknowledge me … for her to be proud … knowing it was doubtful at best .. yet somehow I was meant to believe … there has to be some good in everyone …

narcissists don’t have one ounce of good … so now I no longer care if she acknowledged me back then or not … I was completely blown over when shown what she was … that day not very easily forgot …

I learned the hard way that she would never feel love for me or for you … while strolling along in life … Hopelessly … she’d groan causing so much strife … and with pain coming down … directly aimed at my soul … I wasn’t about to let anyone know …

I’m finally free ever since I’ve known what label she supports … masking emotions and things of that sort …

Manipulators and controllers stay busy all about … I tried so long to be a real good girl … there should be no doubt …

I feel as if in a bind of chaos inside foggy clouds … I was unable to verbalize my feelings out loud … being locked in my own little world every day … so so quiet … still sensing her hate unmasking when she’d fake a smile at me ..

I was finally released … from her diabolical mind … my memories from then are ultimately at peace … I would no longer wish for her to be kind …

I rode out the hard pain … that hovered … barely … above me … while having thoughts that I feared that mostly involved you as well as me …

I am finally at the point in my life … I no longer have feelings … not for nor about her … and I no longer tolerate any damn strife … I am at peace inside knowing my worth “as it were” …

💔 if you or someone you know is a daughter of a narcissistic mother 💔 reach out to them … they need someone to understand them and the depth of their immense emotional pain … because they believe everything is their fault … 💔 when it’s not …
💔 here are some informative and helpful links 💔

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: A Bond Made of Selfishness and Coldness

Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers

The Incredible Healing Power of Reddit’s ‘RaisedbyNarcissists’ Support Group

Do You Have A Narcissistic Mother?

8 Common, Long-Lasting Effects of Narcissistic Parenting

What happens when you live in the shadow of a narcissistic parent?

The Invisible War Zone: 5 Ways Children Of Narcissistic Parents Self-Destruct In Adulthood

💔 thank you for reading, following and
commenting 💔

Broken beyond recognition

I’m breaking, my heart is completely breaking right now. I’m broken but I’m going to have to be okay. I just don’t know how the fuck I’m going to be okay

I don’t know if I am going to be able to handle what I feel may be coming.

I feel that it may be time to let things go, I just don’t feel that the situation is the same anymore and I cannot keep feeling that, staying where I am and be okay.

Not after seeing what I didn’t see, today!

Not if there’s a reason to hide something ~ anything … FROM ME! Once that is shown, deep down I know,

That needs to move around. They flipped, not me. I will offer option and by the reply, I will know …

But FUCK IT HURTS like a bitch …

No one cares

I’m all alone and I’m terrified to be …

What is it, is it me?

I never saw this coming but it’s here, and I tell myself you will want to stay …

With what we have is enough and not to much, unless it’s someone else and your just not telling me, because you truly don’t want me to hurt …

It would hurt less if I knew a hundred percent, that’s also more respectful, so that’s a definite hint …

My stomach aches and I’m going to throw up, no matter how you may feel, please respect my heart …

I’m petrified would actually better describe, the deep ass pain throughout my gut, stabbing me through to the other side …

It’s killing me deep down …

But a woman knows …

what vibes she’s getting, even if they may not know what vibes they’re giving …

A woman knows …

Dammit wtf have I done to deserve this paramount of pain?

All I ever did was love you beyond all reason, that’s all. That was my crime and from day one I knew I would eventually pay the price …

I really just don’t matter anymore, I’m boring to you maybe and that’s why you don’t want to ever hang …

anymore, like we did, damn I thought that shit was fun and insane …

Just come out and tell me boo bear … whatever it is … put me out of my misery before I enter a hospital instead …

It’s my own fucking fault but who knew the pain would be away, hiding way past the stars … I knew it would pounce one day, always hoping it was never tomorrow …

But today it is 😭

😍I write this from an ADHD moment … where our thoughts are rampant and raging throughout our body 90,000 times per second … I thought wrong thoughts about my guy and thank God he’s so incredibly patient with me 😍
💜 Thank you for reading, commenting and following 💚

hOw impOrtant iS a “sOuL cOnneCtiOn” in your relationship?

A sOuL cOnneCt is the glue that binds together yOur seX, yOur sOuL and yOur parTnerShip as a whOLe tOgeTher …

My eXcLuSive partnership is prOOf of thiS. This iS the beSt reLationShip I’ve ever had in my entire life and it was definitely worth waiting 52 years for!

True love doesn’t hurt

Beyond best friends, beyond soulmates and beyond true love is what my guy and I have … my best friend and beyond

BeLOw I deSCribe EXACTLY what it takes to have a suCCeSSful parTnerShip …

Read this very carefully and you BOTH have to be in sync with this or it won’t work …

what it takes to have that RARE and unique sOuL cOnneCtiOn that iS almost unbreakable:

*100% COMPLETE HONESTY with OPEN COMMUNICATION so as to keep your partner informed as to where your head is at. This way there is no room for either of y’all to be guessing what the other is thinking etc… Those TWO things are the FOUNDATION NEEDED to begin and maintain a successful partnership …

I think that so many couples DON’T have that foundation because it wasn’t based on a SOUL CONNECTION. Because I KNOW if it IS based on a SOUL CONNECT it has no other option but to work in making a relationship successful (My own exclusive partnership is proof) … Otherwise without the soul cOnneCt … Couples aren’t striving as a team to build their relationship …

After the CRUCIAL FOUNDATION of HONESTY and COMMUNICATION are laid and SET LIKE CONCRETEadd the mix of YOUR RELATIONSHIP SUPER POWER (sOuL cOnneCt) –

*** this sOuL cOnneCtiOn cannot be forced – if it isn’t already present in your relationship is probably not going to be there if you have to try to make it happen …

… then … you MUST have these ESSENTIAL attributes (in BOTH partners) for it to be SUCCESSFUL:

*100% TRUST (for yourself as well as for each other)

*RESPECT (means that each person values who the other is and understands the other person’s boundaries)

*LOYALTY (to yourself, each other, and to your reLatiOnShip)

*FAITHFULNESS (to each other FOR your reLatiOnShip)

*INDIVIDUALITY

*COMPROMISE

*KEEPING OPEN LINE OF COMMUNICATION (this is mentioned twice because it’s that important)

*COMMITMENT

*LISTENING to each other

*OPENNESS (your as well as your partner is open, undefended and willing to be vulnerable and open in a sexual manner)

*FORGIVENESS

*SHOW APPRECIATION

*EMOTIONAL SUPPORT for each other

***BE A RIDE OR DIE FOR EACH OTHER it’s crucial to have each other’s back in ANY situation. You have to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that “your partner has “got you”

*HUMOR

*THE MAGIC OF SMALL THINGS

*COMPASSION – The intention and capacity to relieve and transform suffering and lighten sorrows

*DEPENDABILITY

*AFFECTION

*EFFORTLESS – it should ALL come naturally

*ACCEPTANCE

*SELFLESSNESS

🤔 When ALL ATTRIBUTES ARE ADDED TO YOUR FIRM FOUNDATION OF HONESTY AND OPEN COMMUNICATION meaning they are SET firmly inside you and your partners sOuL (because your sOuL consists of your mind, your will and your emotions)

THAT IS HIGHLIGHTED TOGETHER – it’s completed with the RARE OCCURRENCE of instantaneous bonding of two souls causing a …

~ SOUL CONNECTION ~

😄 … then …

*add the bonus ingredient WHICH CAUSES the most AMAZING sex that you could dare dream of … therefore causing it all to ⚡⚡⚡MAKE THE MOST⚡⚡⚡UNBEATABLE ✌️ 🎶🎶🎶 COMBINATION which creates an …

UNBREAKABLE BOND

similar to sOuL tieS the bibLe talks about

which makes for a ✌️ 🎶🎶🎶 SUCCESSFUL PARTNERSHIP that would be ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE and EXTREMELY DIFFICULT for anyone outside the relationship to break through … for example someone can’t tempt your partner to cheat as easily because sOuL cOnneCt is almost unbreakable plus with this sOuL cOnneCtiOn you WILL NOT WANT TO OR THINK ABOUT BEING UNFAITHFUL … (Breaking the soulmate connection can be a very difficult process but it can be done if you set your mind, heart and soul to the task. The soulmate connection, and soulmate relationships, are formed from a very deep soul level connection with another human being.)

(These soulmate connections as they are formed and deepen over the time we spend with that soulmate become a part of us and part of our own soul so creating a termination to that bond can be a fairly painful process

(This soulmate connection as it is formed and deepen over the time that we spend with our soulmate … They become a part of us and part of our own soul so creating a termination to that bond can be a fairly painful process … read more here regarding sOuL tie diScOnneCtiOn … not having a sOuL cOnneCtiOn is how partners can succumb to temptation easily …)

This is what most reLatiOnShipS are miSSing … and the main reason cheating seems like an easy option … It’s not an easy option when your have all these qualities present as discussed here in this post

My opinion is that most couples in general will NOT have this RARE phenomenal relationship is because they aren’t willing to put forth the extreme effort in maintaining this on a daily basis. They want the outcome of …

what I’ve described to manifest in their relationship without going out of their comfort zone.

Learning about and VALUING what is important to each other will have the two of you creating your “perfect” world around your relationship.

Being up straight up front about your individual thoughts and feelings, along with the desired direction of the relationship – YOUR AGREEMENT OF THE DESIRED DIRECTION OF YOUR PARTNERSHIP IS CRITICAL – because that way one isn’t trying to change direction … because by NOT changing directions … your partner has the assurance you are respecting the boundaries they placed in front of you … This WILL ALLOW your relationship the freedom it craves to be happy and because your won’t be doubting your partner’s promise of NOT pushing you for something you may not be emotionally ready or able to give (for ex: if one of you has “caught feelings and the other hasn’t – and they do care deeply for you – be respectful and know they are giving you all they can – because IF the partner with feelings pushes for the relationship to be more of a commitment or whatever … that “pushing” will poison what trust is between the both you plus it breaks and tears down the bricks and will ultimately destroy the foundation built – and more than likely end it altogether.

On the other hand if you both keep to whatever agreement decided beforehand … The AMAZING freedom that comes – (freedom from knowing your partner is faithful and cares for you deeply, etc.) will allow you and your partner the opportunity to simultaneously explore yourselves and your relationship because your FIRM SET FOUNDATION AND BRICK STRUCTURE and highlighted with the sOuL cOnneCtiOn frees your relationship to grow as it was meant to be.

Comments are welcome and encouraged …

Like my fb page “FINDING YOUR BEST FRIEND AND BEYOND” they is dedicated to my guy and the unique bond we share …

💓 Thank you for reading commenting and following 💓

Agonizing fear 😵

(This post that I created in February 2019 explains the insecurities I had early in my relationship with my bfab because of toxic relationships in my past. It also shows how my ADHD brain was going into overdrive and it also takes a look at how FEAR can paralyze you, emotionally and sometimes physically.)

Agonizing fear

Terror lashes out at me … paralyzing my entire body … numbness overwhelmes the deep parts of my soul … painful doubts stab through my heart …

Shaking …

trembling …

” … oh no, am I going to be abandoned, thrown away or chunked into emotional duress? …”

“No!

I cannot allow this again …”



Why?” kept going through my thoughts … “he is different and has a purpose in my life … he wouldn’t leave me” … my thoughts seemed to be mine … but not …


Braving myself for a painfuL emotional jaunt … which  continuously … scattered the shredded pieces of my heart ... floating through memories of before when my heart was young …   and how lethal people … raped my sOuL … time after time …


choking …



barely am I able to breathe … I would never make it … if he left … my thoughts were my own … still … but not …

” … I need you” …  my mind screams … roaring … inside my aching head …

… please don’t leave me isolated and hopelessly afraid …

“… I really do need you … it’s so beyond you causing my heart to race …”

anxious tingles …

… Coming at me from all over – SUDDENLY – the agonizing fear grips and hurts way deep down

in my gut …

“Why do I feel that something is wrong?”

” … please … I truly need you” 💋

… my very gut cries out …   AGONIZING … from deep within the darkness … that’s inside of me … while it turns into light … if only for a moment …

Wow … I really mattered enough … MIRACLE … you have shown me that I am  importantI matter … never would I dared to dream … I would feel again … this way …

I FINALLY found one true angel in this horrible world …  See how much you have truly blessed my hurting soul ever since that first night when we met …

… This is a true grown up beyond normal love, not a feeling 😍 that I could have ever imagined … 

… Realization hits me …

My gut has always been right … why didn’t I trust that when my soul cries …  it was trying to alert me … I am ever so grateful …

“… Thank you I cried silently … You gave me back … Me …”

💜 May 27, 2019 … “This poem was written before I totally understood what true Loyalty meant. I’d never received it before so I thought this man would leave me the same way all the others left me.  I was to discover that this man was cut from a totally different cloth than the rest. He showed me I mattered. 
He gave me the best and most amazing gift in this world.  Meeeeeee 😇 Thank you to my guy … My bfab … My hero” 😍

Like my fb page that is dedicated to my bfab (best friend and beyond)

Other posts inspired by my bfab ~

Where does the love go

A real man

Just maybe
Tears falling down
The imprint of you on my heart

Why

To scared to pray
💜Thank you for reading, commenting, and following❤️

🌪️ Inside the tornado … thoughts lie 🌪️

I feel it coming on … this crazy feeling in my brain that won’t go away fast enough … This is a different type of pain …

  

 

I feel myself starting to shake inside …  I then … sense the high winds of the tornado close by …

 

“I know it will carry me off yet again……”

 

“To what destination” I  wonder… “Where the thoughts are born? Then they lie?”

 

I know it’s because of the fog … The unclear clouds of confusion.

Mind over matter worked for me earlier in the day. I put myself in a good mood, I do this every day only for it to be jerked away from me, VICIOUSLY.

 

“I work so hard to stay okay …”

“… why, why, why …”

 

“Is this a dream?”   I wondered, as I ached inside.

 

 

“Will we survive this journey I’m on? We better. You know how I look up to you, hang onto your every word but I just don’t get your mood towards me.” (I said silently to my bfab)

 

“Am I interpreting it wrong or is it real”

my mind tries to scream through the clouds of confusion.

” … is it real …”


no … remember, thoughts lie …”

What happened to the sweet, encouraging, uplifting mood that I’m used to?

 

“Am I not worthy of being bothered with because I don’t matter?”

 

Oh my heart needs a clear view and there is none here … in the clouds rushing around me …

 

I feel that heavy on me like a blanket. I don’t matter  enough to bother, I decided because I was so frustrated!


“Instead of lifting me up, you crushed me, intentionally? maybe not.” I tell myself fervently, so I beg you inside my head …

 

“please don’t make me cry …”

 

Yet you did anyway …

 

The clouds are closing on on me …

 

That’s really on me because of those thoughts in the cloud and …… “I remember those thoughts do lie.”

 

… Nonetheless, that really hurt me inside my heart if I perceived it correctly.  I hoped I didn’t, knowing that certain thoughts will lie …

You are my unsung hero and I need you in my life. I need your encouraging words, your smile and your personality all around me …


“Am I not worth that

bother?” the screams tell me that “thoughts lie” … when the clouds are around, and not to forget … “It will be over soon …”

I’m locked in that confusing fog of clouds not knowing if I matter or not … I beg for a hint of peace to pierce into the fear inside … Gathering myself together the best I can …

” … I’m glad those thoughts lie……..I can’t lose what I found …”

I cherish the fact that you are my best friend and beyond with all of my heart, so please don’t hurt me … I can’t do this alone because I will fail alone (I secretly begged him) … Nobody gets my crazy brain but you, and I cannot see my life unless you are in it …

 

I need you with me and by my side in order to survive whatever this is, enveloping me. In my mind I beg …

 

” … please don’t disappear because of the fog …”

I would not hesitate if the tables were turned, to stand by your side and be supportive of you …

because that’s just what best friends are supposed to do …

 

“Why aren’t you …”

 

 

“… no answer …”

 

” … thoughts lie … he cares …”

“… remember the clouds will leave …

The one thing I need from you is your smile and you won’t give it …  Is the reason  because I want it so bad … Is that why you keep it from me … That is mean, don’t you see … But your not like that … through the fog I know that … It’s jumbled up because of the thick clouds and tornados of thoughts that creep in …

“Why did you think it was okay for you to be mean towards me, especially now? Or is that my distorted perception ...”

“Are you just holding your kind words back because my soul needs to hear them? On purpose?
This is not like you, I just don’t get it.”


“remember thoughts lie … don’t forget”
“he hasn’t changed, you should know better …”

… frustrated … if not for the clouds I would … “I would know …”

“… I know you care, but you don’t let me see it …”



I’m crushed and no one cares it seems … I think to myself … “just walk on me and step on me, it doesn’t matter … I’m gonna hurt anyway … Why doesn’t anybody hear me …”

I just don’t get it … I’m confused and I know why … yet knowing doesn’t stop it from happening …

… Your making no sense to me … I’m not used to you hurting me …  Never before had you tried … “why now” …


“… damn … these thoughts lie and I see them from inside this tornado …”

  distorted … hazy … warped …

“But do you care? You can’t be like the rest. Please let this be a dream … and I wake up and your sweet … unlike the rest … you are special …

“… so please don’t be the same as everyone else …”


The screaming inside my soul cries …

“… Don’t forget what I’ve said … thoughts lie …”

… exhaustion …


” … just leave me be so I can cry in peace. But I don’t care …” It hurts in my belly with hard sharp pains … I’m so tired … through and through …

you have no clue as to how much I need you in my life …

I thought you would always care … but you don’t … At least that is what I feel …

 

… feelings … just like the whirlwind of thoughts … will lie … don’t forget …

“… omg thoughts lie, I almost forgot …”

 

 

The unwanted tangled and distorted thoughts cloud the original ones that are locked in my head … My brain was trying to save me by screaming …

 

“… remember thoughts lie … don’t forget …”

“I’m closing my eyes … stay close to me … I don’t want to die … die inside … I mean from a crushed spirit … you don’t crush those … you lift those up … goodnight I’m closing my eyes … stay close please …”

“I need you to forget that I’m in this cloud of swirling winds … I won’t always be … Please stay … Because I know that thoughts do lie … I’m holding fast to the faith that sustains me for that to please be true …”

” … You are the same as before … I’m so grateful for you … goodI was wrong …”

 

... my mind clears and those horrible clouds seem to be lifting now …”

 

” … you stayed … thank you …”


” … thank you …” I silently spoke to the Lord … “for reminding me that those thoughts lied …”This was written during an ADHD anxiety crazed moment … not after … 
I wanted to describe the negative thoughts and the struggle to fight them so others could see what someone battles daily with this disorder.

Serious ADHD Likely!“>TEST FOR ADHD


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💕Loving “yOu” iS CruCiaL

Have you ever wondered how to go about learning how to love yourself? Some people never give it a second thought, while others spend their whole lives trying to master this coveted skill. Mastering themselves in their own mind and in their own lives is the goal.

I spent my entire life not loving myself, until very recently. Understand though, I didn’t even realize this until right before I started this journey, which was approximately 8-9 months ago. I’m glad I didn’t realize this at the time when it was happening, because how miserable would that have made me?

Someone, who is now very close to me, is the one who showed me that I was worth receiving love. I never before thought I mattered enough. That was a thought that was deep down inside, that you don’t see when just looking at yourself from the outside. You got to look and dig deeper. It was through them showing me I mattered, that made me want to look and dig deeper, thus beginning my journey. It was then I saw that I’d never really loved myself at all.

On the outside, throughout my life, I thought I was loveable because I’m kind, empathetic, compassionate and thoughtful to others. So that’s why “it had to be my fault if someone didn’t love me, right”?

That was from years of negative thoughts about myself. I’m sure you have them to, huh? Only after being shown that I did matter, I realized I hadn’t ever loved ME. So, “why did I not love me?”, that was the question. I was going to find the answer, if it killed me.It was the least I could do for myself, after being so hard on myself for several years by thinking it was my fault for being unlovable. I was so cruel to myself and seeing that now frightens me that I abused myself so much. This is why so many who don’t love themselves fall into DOMESTIC VIOLENCE relationships or stop fighting for themselves and give in when faced with a narcissistic parent. Many also fall into addictions, trying to numb the feelings of inadequacy.

Knowing it deep down and not doing anything about it is self abuse in my book. So once I “knew” this, I hurriedly set myself on a path to change it. I deserved better treatment than that, especially from myself. You deserve it too!

One reason I wanted to learn this was because I was so tired of being hurt by others. So many that were close to me hurt me. I somehow knew if I could ever find true love for myself, then I wouldn’t get hurt by others if they didn’t love me.

I didn’t know at this time that I was attracting those kind of toxic people that couldn’t love me by just me feeling that I was UNLOVABLE. That’s a trip, huh?

This link explains how you may be attracting toxic people in your life that you may not be aware of.

No one else would love me unconditionally, unless I could love myself this way. This I just seemed to know without being told. I wanted to be loved like that in my life so bad and in order for that to happen, I knew I had to change my own perception of myself and look at myself realistically with no filters. I shouldn’t look at myself from others perspectives of myself, but most of us do. I was now ready to really get to know the real ME that I truly was inside.

First, I started with the definition of what unconditional love was. Basically, it’s loving someone (or yourself) despite that person’s wrongs. You don’t have to agree with those wrong things or decisions but you love them regardless (or in spite) of them. “Love the sinner, not the sin”, if you will! That’s not just for others, it’s for ourselves as well.

I’d personally never experienced receiving unconditional love in my own life, however, this is where I started on my journey.

I had given that type of love to both my kids, the best I knew how from learning about it in church, so I knew what it meant. However, the mind power I needed to display that plus, in order for me to have that type of love for myself, (in spite of any wrongs, any past bad decisions, any flaws and any differences), was going to be a hard bumpy road.

So many people want to experience the end result (after you are at the end of the journey) but don’t want to do what you did in order to get that end result. No, they would rather use up negative energy saying to themself, “I CAN’T”. You will use up energy either way – it’s up to you whether you will use positive energy toward the goal (loving yourself) or will you use negative energy complaining about not being able to do the “mind power thing” because it’s to hard!

It’s a process of getting to know yourself (not people’s perceptions about you), accepting yourself, forgiving yourself, and ultimately you will find that, after those three things are looked at and worked through … You will already be loving yourself!

Here are the list of steps to follow in learning to love yourself:

1. Get to really know yourself … beyond your soul, the inner core.

2. Forgive yourself for any past mistakes, no matter how horrible you think they are.

3. Accept yourself completely (no matter what you have done or what guilt you have because something may have happened to you)

4. Loving yourself unconditionally. This will automatically happen after you delve into the three previous steps.

Spend time with YOU and get to know yourself

I got to know myself by being alone day after day. Once the freedom came for this to happen, after this breakthrough (me working through my childhood pains with the mental symptoms I had been noticing, once I realized the way I’d been treated had a name for the person that treated me badly.

My mom was a narcissist and after studying and researching what that meant – I was able to see that so much I thought was true wasn’t. I also saw that it was not my fault. Around this same time, I had put two and two together on the symptoms I noticed, regarding my mental health. That also put a name to what I was experiencing, which was ADHD. So much now made sense in my life I thought, as I looked back on childhood instances through today’s foggy haze).

Forgiving yourself

Forgiving yourself is VERY important and without it, you cannot move on in your life, past a certain point. It was essential to this journey I was on. Again, I just knew this was a step I must take, without being told, I just seemed to know.

Even if you truly don’t believe you deserve to be forgiven, forgive yourself anyway. How can others forgive you, when you won’t forgive yourself? It’s the same with accepting yourself and loving yourself.

Keep in mind to, that we attract people with the energy we give off, so in my case I was attracting toxic people that couldn’t love themselves, much less love me. They tried to make me the same way, thankfully, that didn’t happen.

Forgiving yourself frees you into being able to accept yourself right where you are and eventually allows you to start loving yourself.

I had to fight through negative thoughts my whole life because on the outside I knew I was good enough, smart enough, and pretty enough, but I just didn’t show it. I didn’t know how. I’m guessing it was also because I didn’t feel it on the inside. That’s where the REAL me was. The negative over powered the positive in my mind. I didn’t know myself at that time and it showed. I had started looking at myself the way toxic people looked at me, wondering if they were right. I didn’t know myself enough to hear my inner self screaming, “no I’m not like that”

I had thought, somewhere deep inside of me, that I deserved the wrongful and abusive treatment I had received all these years from different people, myself included. (From who, why and where doesn’t matter. I just needed to train myself NOT to believe that lie). You don’t have to believe those lies others say about you. Just keep throwing them out of your mind, on purpose, and hold onto those deep down feelings that your gut is telling you, that you do matter. Like I did, I knew it but I put what others said and had shown me above what I knew was truth. Abuse yourself no longer!

There was no map or outline on how to do this, I just went with it. God led me through it.

All this time, from that deep place inside me, I knew that I DID deserve love, and finally, that feeling overwhelmed the lie I’d believed all these years. This occured once I started this journey.

Accepting yourself

Through ALL of that, I learned to accept myself for ME.

After accepting myself, the real me, deep down inside, was crying out for love, loudly and this time I paid attention. I owed it to myself. YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TOO!

I’d given others advice on this very subject before on the importance of self love but I never practiced it on me. In part, because I believed I didn’t deserve it and because it wasn’t a big “in my face” issue at the time. I never looked at it “in me” before.

Once I looked at it with me in mind, I saw a lot about myself that I didn’t know.

I had to look at feelings and situations that were years old in order to get to know, forgive and accept me. Things and memories that were not pleasant.

This is why so many don’t take this journey, I’m sure, because it hurts and people just don’t want to face their pain. However, it is A MUST, if you truly want to succeed in loving yourself.

In this journey, I came to discover key issues, people and situations that would explain my behavior, my issues, and why I believed I was unworthy of receiving love all these years.

One freedom I found, as I mentioned earlier was from learning I suffered from ADHD and unmedicated, makes it’s sufferers see things through a distorted and clouded view. I made a lot of my life’s decisions in that distorted and clouded view. Sadly, I wouldn’t have if I would have been medicated, or even just had the awareness of my disorder.

Another freedom was realizing I had been raised by a narcissist and the knowledge that they are incapable of showing or feeling love. It wasn’t my fault that my mother didn’t love me, it was on her. I thought I may faint from sheer joy and relief after learning these facts, because “it wasn’t my fault” – After thinking it was my fault for years, this was quite invigorating!

After realizing these things, I forgave, accepted and came to like the person I was. I couldn’t move forward, however, unless I accepted myself as I was then, and now.

So many things that were foggy in my life back then, became crystal clear with these revelations.

After realizing this, I really “saw” that I WAS worth love and that I did the best I could back then. Today, I DO deserve unconditional love. I TRULY felt this, (for real) for the first time ever, at 55 years old.

I also saw that I deserved to be loved BY MYSELF. This was another freedom for me. Loving yourself DOES make a huge difference. I believe that if more people would love themselves, it would stop a lot of depression and self harm tendencies, as well as hurting others. We can’t hurt someone else when we love ourselves. It’s just impossible!

Unconditional love for oneself would definitely put a dent in the suicide rate. So, show someone they are worth being loved today!

Since I put all these steps to the test and completed them successfully, now came the hard part of how to TRULY love myself unconditionally. (Key word- “unconditionally”). I thought to myself, “How on earth do I make this happen?”

The answer is: It comes automatically after going through the steps I’ve explained. It is the FINAL outcome after learning those things through each step. (Knowing, forgiving, accepting and loving)

Diligently seeking how to do one step automatically enables you for the next step, until your at the end and you notice that you are loving yourself, before you even realize it!

Wow, a miracle as far as I’m concerned!

See, in this journey, I learned that I wasn’t unlovable, in each step I took.

The deeper I dug into ME, the more things I saw that made me love myself. I saw a young child that only wanted love and that young woman that was forever making bad decisions. I saw the heart they had and it caused me see that they thought they were doing their best and that they were worthy of my love. Love the younger you that did the best they could at that time. Stop abusing yourself now!

Summary

It was through the desire of wanting to get to know myself that led me to the fact of needing to forgive myself. It was through that forgiveness, that I came to accept myself. Lastly, it was through that acceptance, that I was able to FINALLY truly love myself, unconditionally.

This journey wasn’t without it’s own set of hurts, bad memories and feeling uncomfortable but it’s the only way I knew to get to where I wanted to be. I was learning the “how to” as I went.

Today, I’m still in process of finding pieces of myself that were long forgotten and putting them together with who I am now and loving myself still, regardless.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, take the journey I did and trust me, you won’t be sorry you did. Through this journey you will (hopefully) see that what was holding you back was the thought that you need to be “fixed”. You don’t need fixing, you just need to forgive, accept and love.

Love unconditionally, regardless …

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anXiety tries to rule … 😵

On the verge … dangerous trepidation … agitates deep inside …

… anxiety tries to rule …

… daily struggles … monotonous … nothing seems to change …

… am I left all alone … in a … fog left by the world … passing me by … never giving me a thought – I’m just sitting alone in my little home …

… anxiety tries to rule …

I can sense happiness just beyond my reach … It’s weird – but I feel things and unlike others … I have those skills you can’t teach … ADHD management is not out of reach …

I’m kinda stuck where I am right now … emotionally, I mean … not in the worst or the best of moods … I just wish I knew how …

… anxiety tries to rule …

To do things in life like everyone else … like go to the store, drive to a friend’s, spend some time at a park just like I used to do … before …

I still have a ways to go – since that light bulb came on … seven months ago – give or take a month … I try not to get withdrawn … as I try to calm my mind with no meds … ADHD runs through my head … running amuck … ripping my brain to shreds …

… anxiety tries to rule …

Holding it together … for what I’m not sure … I’m kinda tired of having to act like I’m so strong … I’m not and when it comes to myself … I’m usually never wrong … ADHD usually won’t allow me to listen to even one song …
Minutes tick by … ever so slow and I get so anxious that feeling doesn’t want to leave … Then I don’t know what to do or where to go …

… anxiety tries to rule …

I try not to think about things, so I just get online … to write or to help someone just to take it all off my mind …

… anxiety tries to rule …

Fake friends around here are a dime a dozen … so transparent in their actions but they think they’re slick … but I can see right through the crap they’re trying so hard to hide … because they may be quick but they ain’t that quick …

In the challenging ADHD moments of anxiety times ten … Much to my chagrin … Scattered thoughts pounding down on me like a hard fast rain … Closing my eyes I try to escape – I was locked in this moment I that being said … I am just gonna have to deal with this pain … ADHD is never going to be tame …

I’ve come a very long way in my journey of seeking self awareness … Wisdom abounds more in my sOuL and beyond … than before and that is a rareness … It’s somewhat similar to a real “self bond” …

Bonding with yourself isn’t easy as you may think … You have to dig deep beyond your inner core … So it all comes together and gets in sync … consistency is the key just practice it more and more …

Overcoming mental disorders take a lot of mental work … some say they want the outcome – but that just means – they just don’t want to put in any hard work … They’d rather just make excuses and be stupid jerks …

Anxiety stunts you spiritually – preventing your emotional growth – causing them to not develop properly … It really sucks having anxiety and ADHD both …

Waiting to be formerly diagnosed … that is hard to do as an adult these days … all I want is help to be normal … ADHD is not just a phase …

… anxiety tries to rule …

I’m not defined by any mental health issues or disorder “thing” … I try to stay away from people in general … for the most part they try to get your ass in a sling …

I’m going to smoke a stick now it takes the edge off… I want to pay attention to my guy… laying next to me … so please don’t scoff … I’ll turn out the light and snuggle up nice and he will snuggle back with me right where I’m supposed to be …

… anxiety ain’t gonna rule …

… living with ADHD is definitely not very cool …

LIKE my fb page dealing with stigma related mental disorders, diseases and chronic illnesses …

😵 for ADHD support contact:

ADHD/NAMI National Alliance on Mental Illness

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom …”

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💧memories … roll down my cheeks💧

⚡ this post focuses on the fall of 2013, when we lost our home. My son, who was 15 at the time, was forced to move in with his two friends from school and their mom, because of a personal tragedy. I was so thankful they did and I know that God gave them to my son to help him during this pivotal time in his young life. There were rumors spreading faster than the speed of sound about me, in our small rural town. I was called every name in the book and made to feel as if I didn’t care about my son or the house I lost. What nobody saw or understood was that we both had lost our whole life. It was horrific at best. I had to leave town that following January and I moved to a larger town close by. I went to the homeless shelter there to try to pick up the broken and shattered pieces of our life.

💑 This is our story …

.. … dedicated to my amazing son, who is graduating 🎓 this month and the tragedy he faced that started the domino effect, through the obstacles he pushed through on his journey 🏃even after his fathers unexpected death 👤 he pressed on 👲 until the present day 👩‍🚒 This poem focuses on how this bittersweet victory shows how determination 🎓 true love 🌪️ and heartache can anchor your soul 👩‍🎓 driving you to succeed 🙏 against all odds 🎓

“… memories … roll down my cheeks …”

Remembering those memories from before …… of his tiny hands and feet, smiling baby cheeks, and as I remember more memories I picture … his chubby face – full of table food smears, birthday cakes and summer slides, of course popsicles – loved by all …. year after year …

Disdainfully, I cringe away from those dark painful thoughts – feeling a tight knot form in my throat … from hateful impressions … molded by haters … Who saw me as naught ……

The measure of unfathomed love inside me – would have filled close to one thousand worlds …

“my son was my smile simply because … I dreamed him into being, long before he was born ...”

but smiles fade … life’s tests and trials find you and you have no option but to maintain – otherwise there would be nothing to gain …

For reasons I can’t imagine – but liars … haters galore wouldn’t leave my mind … stress magnified probably close to one million times … I was unable to show my heart through my actions not even through my life – it wouldn’t have mattered – haters never care about the truth if they believe they see – they just hate – then lie, so … nobody at all tried to see, just how precious my baby boy was to me.

Our safety – our midnight talks, our schedule – my washing your socks – our dream – EVERYTHING THAT WE’D KNOWN – was gone – stolen outright … just like that – our life was forever removed – those cowards don’t know me but one day they will see – I damn sure will have something to prove …

After that monumental criminal attack – I didn’t allow anyone passage into my heart – not my soul – haters – fakers – thru and thru … users – because of them – I was beginning to grow cold …

.. Remembering precious memories before … of his many first days at school ~ the best outfits we could afford, the happiest of smiles and silly giggles and the joy I felt for him …

I never dreamed of what would soon come our way … years away … It would never

again be okay …

… in fact … suddenly …

… Smiles turned upside down, whirling and spiraling into the summer night breeze …

… transforming into fear, future time would realize that quick separation is near … stunned in the sense that life was unfair –

… crushed under the blanket of confusion mixed with frightened tears …

There was to be no relief in sight … no solace … after our smiles were reversed … I prayed to HIM “please lift this curse …”

” … If only I had known …”

What in the hell – if I would have known then – wtf would I do?

… Remembering memories before … of the beginning teenage years – the person he was yet to be – yet the baby that was right here – staring with his trusting eyes – looking straight at me ...

… Remembering …

… It hurts …

… it’s killing me that I am the cause – of our dream shutting down … I hurt him with my addiction and then … this had to happen to us and just take more away – my boy did nothing that deserved his life to be extinguished that day …
it’s painful to look back – yet … those memories … from years before … were all that I had about our life – that I still adored

I miss the life that was ruthlessly … viciously taken from us and it’s safe to say – I feel like my son probably feels the same way …

I’m not sure if I will ever be free – of the cloud holding – guilt, regret and pain – it comes around less often than it did at the start … I never wanted pity – I totally feel – deserving of those freaks – riding that cloud – ever since my son and I had … no choice but to part …

Suffocating … I cannot breathe as my heart constricts from intense gouging pains – while I recall …

cherished recollections …

… from priceless moments before …

chains from unmemorized tunes … playing furiously in the silent night mist …

Complete brokenness

Regret …

Guilt …

Tears …

Self hate …

… I was beginning to feel the pain leave quite slow … from times featuring minor dull aching thuds – crashing through my defenses – holding back several tons of undiscovered tears …

Frightened … foreboding heaviness – black hearts that clinch my soul …

… penetrating … sliding gracefully … closer … until it settles into the core of your essence … Crippling emotional pain …

… awakens …

… my sOuL …

“God” she cried, as her tear stained face looked up – toward the late night eerie sky …

Please don’t let my little boy lose his love for me …”

She knew he would be moving out soon, there was no other choice – her stomach churned violently – thoughts swarming her brain … Of far away wishes, prayers and dreams … haters would soon claim their win …

~ avoidance – was futile ~

… God saw it best to take my sweet boy away … from my care … soon after that …

It was for his best – I was aware – grateful I was – for the angel family that came from God … I knew that I wanted my boy to stay – “no option dammit” I cried inside – it was for his best – he would be safe, I knew … in their care …

that didn’t stop me from dying inside and feeling …

slicing pain – carefully imploding … behind the space reserved … wait … “he can’t be alone – I can’t either, I need him to much” was her silent, screaming – loud heart’s cry ❤️

ringing – echoing in her head like a trumpet blast …

“Ohhh please Lord … go with him … please keep him free … from heart pain – give it all to melet him be free to be all he can be …”

Gripped in the throes of unnatural fate … Never before had she felt this disgrace …

She almost broke down and felt torn apart but how much more pain – her boy must have felt and was surely in fear … surely he was wanting his mom … he had to be scared … thinking with that fear – simply because she was no longer here …

How could she hold up … after she’d allowed his world to be … ripped … ferociously into shreds – she would somehow make it right …praying hard … with all of her might – praying and pleading … hoping God would agree …

She never again turned to drugs – not after her heart was ripped savagely away, don’t you see … of course rumors flew through town – I was doing everything … cowards cried – from drugs to only God knows what else … to myself I would say – after hearing those lies – I could not fall again – I wouldn’t have him hurting because I’d let him down …

“… not after this – I would from now on refrain …”

UNBEARABLE WAS THIS PAIN – FILLING HER WITH DREAD …

She silently promised her son … that she loved him beyond infinity plus one …

I would do anything to make it right …”

“I never should’ve invited the devil in our home of dreams – I was played well … I never recognized the evil scheme …”

Fear and regret were partners in crime

… attacking me …

… haunting my mind … bringing confusion – confusion brought guilt – guilt filled me with pain … apparently the poison from that beat me down more – yet again …

As she dissolved into tears … Feeling herself break inside, she would never be the same … But in her heart she claimed, that her boy wouldn’t go through this hell “not in vain” … “How would I manage” … she didn’t have a clue … she was shutting down … inside paralyzed … such raw emotions had demolished her sOuL …

“I cannot stand this God … please let this all be a bad dream”

– Signs of the trauma showed all over her face – could be felt by her body actually – she needed some encouragement to help plead her case …

My precious sweet son – I make you this promise that I will hold you inside – so very tight until the time arrives – when you and I reunite and choose together where to live and what school would you like – find a girlfriend and have her over a few times a week – maybe start a real family game night … Until then, my son, please don‘t depart – stay with me … inside – because …

“You are forever… enclosed in my heart”💖

he is close by … in my heart …

my heart slowly cracked – just enough and the broken pieces were not thrown away … but … they hardened inside – there was only one thing that I knew would work – and that meant get down on my knees and pray …

… instead – those enhanced pieces of hardened heart – of far away taunts – unspeakable whispers – telling tales …

… creative yet silent muses – restless anxiety sprang forth in a soft misty spray – while … ignoring the dark places – we had just barely survived – the hell I let inside … swirling thoughts in a whirlwind cloud …

... patiently, I wait – “go away crazy jumbled thoughts” … I’m shaky … while being carried away – by ping pong ideas – animated – not making sense –

I had to gather myself and respectfully utter thanks … I didn’t know then … that our reunion would never take place …

… noone has a clue – the extent of our pain – that was felt intensely – that very dark day … massive guilt covered me – sticking around – weighing close to one thousand pounds …

Missing his face … hurting so bad because I knew – he was better off without me in his life … hateful dark thoughts – unnerved me – taunting me with words that said – I didn’t deserve a place in his life … I didn’t deserve to even be alive …

though I believed – those black thoughts were right – I pushed through daily – ignoring the shame – still nothing came through – no job – nothing at all … but … I couldn’t give up nor would I give in – it was hard as hell – I felt very small …

… during those next few – quite challenging yet detestable years …I never could seem to get up – in this world I feared …

REGRET still haunts me – I miss my precious baby – I love him sooo …

tears … guilt … pain … fear …

filled up my time during the next few years …

Memories … Remembering …

The hate she’d gone through for those haters she’d see … would prove that she had no choice, but to be tough and proceed …

… Remembering memories before … they would sneak passed my eyes slide down over my cheeks, only to be wiped away …

never to be forgotten …

… Regret is a pain that NEVER goes away. I live with it every day …

I own all my wrongs – I just would like this chance – for his permission, you see – for my boy to get to know me … again …

… the real me …

… The woman I am now is who he should have had – as a mom – I have such a desire and hard drive to show him

… how I can inspire and still be …

… who I should have been all along …

“… Do I dare hope?”

… Now, my baby is all grown up handling a busy life of his own …

… my love has NEVER changed from that very first memory day … that started from home … I hope my son knows this – I’ve loved him fiercely ever since he’s been gone …

… Although my feelings may not have been shown …

… in order to completely stake my claim, considering I’m grown …

…. OMG screw haters that say I’d been spouting off lies … sleeping around … smoking dope – I am so sick of being accused – of things I don’t do – just because I was an addict – I’m not allowed to be believed – just judged – juryed – and convicted … “Don’t y’all see, how unfair that can be” … “They wouldn’t see the truth – if it was right in front of their eyes” … “All I want is to be away from haters, cutthroats and folks that are mean – I want to be free …”

… Damn these thoughts …

Demons of emotional disorders, addiction and violence plagued me … through the years … he needed me most …

… That’s why I took all the violent abuse – that showed up in my life … from different people and in distinct harmful ways … I just tried to survive …

SELF DESTRUCTION

Everyone, including myself, thought I’d gotten what I deserved … Still, I catch guilt … It tries to pull me vehemently – away from his heart …

Ohhh God I MISS HIM SO BAD

REMEMBERING

… I just wasn’t the mother I wanted to be or the mom he certainly deserved – but … I silently craved myself to be …

The love in my heart for him, during challenges of past – would hold onto him – through all the stars that the sky did surpass …

“Most have said that I didn’t care because of the road I mistakingly chose to travel … and that’s why our tragedy took place … smfh … It was because I helped the wrong one but I thought I was doing it right …

“But, they didn’t know me nor did they care to see the real me inside – saying hateful things … they were judgemental and assuming – when … all I did was care – so damn much inside …

Where no one could see …

“My sweet baby boy, I will hold you forever … on the inside of me”

“CONGRATULATIONS SON”

💑 This is my amazing son – my heart baby boy, you have all it takes – to be a success at anything you set out to accomplish, there is no doubt. Always believe in yourself – no matter what anyone else may say. You are blessed dear son and you are so smart, funny, sweet, sensitive, determined, loyal, respectful and all around a very cool guy! The definition of “character” is this: the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual. “The concept of character can imply a variety of attributes including the existence of virtues such as empathy, courage, fortitude, honesty, and loyalty, or of good behaviors or habits.”
That definition describes you baby boy! That makes me so proud! Most people, of any age, are sorely lacking these coveted character traits. I’m so proud of you Kennodie, you are and will always be my hero!!! I’m honored to be your mom and although it took a village to raise you – LoL 😀 you went above and beyond any expectations that any of us could have ever imagined for you! I know your Daddy is bragging to everyone in heaven about his awesome son! You have your entire life in front of you and I have no doubt that God will continue to bless you beyond your wildest dreams! 💑 Know that your Moms heart is overflowing with so much love that is just for you. I will ALWAYS be here for you, I’m a phone call away and maybe you can call me more often 😍

Sweetheart ❤️💚💜💙💛

I love you to the Moon and back through to infinity plus one!!!

😊 Please LIKE my FB page dedicated to my babies – MISSING MY BABIES

I have 3 kids and 4 grands 💜 my son is the baby of the family!

💙 Thank you for reading, commenting and following 💚

👁️ simply LoneLy

😞 foreword 🤔 the reality that I’m taking about is the reality that although he’s (my best friend and beyond) not here, I know that he will be back soon, even if it’s not as soon as I would like. But the harshness and pain of loneliness is paralyzing at times.

👁️ Simply LoneLy …

… Emptiness inside – born from the pain that hurts every time – I miss you babe …

that loneliness creates …

… an emptiness created from craving the presence of that special one – that is unlike any other.

We connected INSTANTLY from hearing faint whispers, echoing deep within our sOuL.

… IT HURTS WHEN YOU AREN’T HERE …

Angrily, the brute force of feeling lonely stabs – through to my core slicing more painfully, into my pain while causing hot throbbing aches, while masking the clarity – that’s automatically taken from the safe images from our own reality.

My heart can be felt pounding hard beneath my chest. I’m feeling that torment … intense …

in fact …

I am shushed from hearing the mutters, emulating through the warmth, climbing out from my soul, came the truth born from sweet memories that we shared not to long ago.

I’m not comfortable in this zone, although I do know – the torrid jolts from missing you …

… The chill from the lonesome cry of my soul … pierce me … Knocking the breath that clings tightly and thoroughly, as I notice not the strain but rather the strength rising up …

… fierce devotion …

that’s felt distinctly for you

causing my tears to streak, sliding silently down my face … While focusing on impressions from long ago grace … and as I sit quietly … in my own little world – I remember this and a whole lot more …

I do know this – I know this for sure, since my son finally admitted to loving me more!

I remember …

that I hate … remembering …

… remembering alone …

;-(

… thankfully when this all took place – those deep thinking – awareness were deep and within God’s grace!

it’s searching …

for the ONE whose absences fills my heart with unforgiving emptiness, searing sharp pains yet I desperately try to regain some control.

Laughing sadly to myself, I know it hurts – when you yearn for someone’s presence – you miss with all your might …

Will I ever survive, fighting these pains that could certainly break me away?

Away from loneliness, because he told me …

Feeling that way is a waste …

… Then he smiled at me, and made my heart smile – while standing right in front of my face!

The mask covers me trying to hide reality – through the pain created by being lonely … and lonely covers me – with a dark blanket of intimate suffering … from yearning thoughts stemming from my core while craving your presence and so much more!

As I peer through that cloudy mask for a check on myself, it becomes virtually impossible for reality to make it’s way to where my soul can see – that’s the reality of deep loneliness indeed!

I don’t need a lot of people that are fake through the storms of life – the lonesomeness blinds me …

… hiding the truth – away from the harshness that my soul can see ~ I do so ache for REALITY.

Reality means that although you aren’t here – this very time – memories tell me that – the realness is when you get out of a bind and make a trip back, just to be with me here!

Yes, although right now your not physically around, due to work and issues that happen when life is abound …

Yet, once I hear you back up to my place, the excitement bursts from deep within and all the exploding from areas not while the song that’s inside my soul screams …

” … he’s here

You keep the emptiness and loneliness at bay … They slither to the corner, hissing at me, claiming to be bored and want me to play … Yet your presence clears the way that is free and the way you care keeps …

… ALL THE BAD THINGS AWAY FROM ME …

… Really wanting you close … Remembering your honesty, your loyality and trust – combined with hope

I SMILE … AS I REMEMBER THOSE DAYS …

knowing soon you’d be pulling up right here in my yard …

and we …

…will remember …

… That I’m remembering … I’m with you … I remember the fact …

… For once I’m not remembering alone …

😉

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Finding your best friend and beyond… dedicated to my exclusive guy – my bfab

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remembering alone

In my world, I sit and I remember … long ago days – days that don’t even seem real to me now.

Was that me? I can’t picture me in that situation – Yes, that’s me. How did I ever live through that?

It feels like someone else lived that life, but no, it was me … I remember.

I’ve grown inside and past days no longer bring hurt, but they have brought self awareness, while showing me how much I’ve grown on the inside …

… as I remember …

… Forever … That’s what it felt like ~ like it took me forever, to grow inside and be at peace within my soul.

Older now, there’s so damn much I lost way back then – but after a while – it would take years – I gained myself in return, once I made the first step to search for myself and maybe one day soon, that will all balance out …

… future hope …

Sighing deeply, I know that everything happens for a reason. We may or may not know what that reason is but mark my words

… and trust this fact …

…there is a reason for everything we go through.

( … we go through challenges in life, not for ourselves but to help other people that may be in a situation we were once in …)

Remembering … I lost almost everything I had back then … Hopelessly younger and yet producing invalid resolutions –

Sadness always trying to overwhelm my soul, because you see … I’m now finally becoming me. The me I was always supposed to be! My babies don’t know me and know them I do not

– not yet –

We could start fresh – it’s possible and yes – I want them to know the me I just found – the me I am now – this really cool me, that should have always been around – for both of my kids …

I’m finally me ~ that means I’m free – free deep inside of me and that pain has a key – and that key would be – the key that would keep me quite safe from reprieve.

Looking back, I was just grateful then – for getting out with my sanity and my life. I seriously can’t see clearly who that person is – who lived with my name back then that loved her children so small in each of their tales however, different then!

Why does it have to be me that does without her heart? That’s what they are – my heart – People saw me wrong, they always did, so what did I ever do so bad that this LOSS would be my punishment? Living with the thought of losing them for real – was the closest thing to hell on earth that I ever did feel … and with folks whispering hatefully in secret, thinking I would not hear, as they died how sorry I was. Rumors exploded telling the tale – that I never loved those kids and became the favorite mantra and jeer! That was NOT THE CASE, no matter the scenario or what took place … I loved my children more than anything in this world – I screamed to them all, as I pleaded my case.

My actions proved to be the catalyst for haters to grasp, clutching the reins, stating to all that I was a complete disgrace.

smdh …

how I made it through doesn’t matter at all but more importantly was this – how did those two, especially my son, get through the pain of me being gone … and did he feel that I no longer cared? The knowledge inside that he may – crushes my spirit that is life, because my love for him … Knows no bounds …

That is what keeps me awake late at night – i would wonder with tears that are stuck in my throat – the pain his little heart carried around, with fear close by – why was his mom not here by his side?

I remember regretfully that those needed lessons I learned – had taken years to sink through to where my integrity lived – for them to be embedded and placed deep in my soul.

It took longer still, for me to believe and also trust that those lessons learned … Maybe could somehow fix – any mistakes that had come, mostly being born from my biggest conflicts.

the wait was quite long for me to accept, forgive then love, the me that belonged – that me belonged here instead of this me … through the maze that I did see ~ searching my way – as though I was blind, yet I prayed so hard so that it could just blow his little mind ..

… Still longer it took … For me to learn how to finally love the true me I had found – IDK how I lived, through the pain of losing my heart and the fear settling in … Once – not to long ago – I embraced the pain that was raw from thoughts of my kids – mainly my son – I begged God that he would not lose the love or the trust … He had just for me …

… tears slowly remembering the path of the pain – with vivid recollection of those long ago days – I would have sold my soul to evil if it would have brought him to live with me, but in that pit, inside of me, that was to deep it seems – may get the better of me. I felt in my heart with my gut saying how true – thinking to myself, how little I knew wondering maybe inside how I was feeling would be – pretty hard to face – yet still my tears fell, streaking it all but with precision and grace.

My baby … I needed to state would probably be better off without me. I knew he was way better off – without me. I’d forever been told what a bad parent I’d be, in the months and years before that – it was drilled in my head – I was no good and was trash. I was also informed I would never, not ever, amount to much …

Nobody knows my soul or my heart including my measure of pain – How much I cried for my son in the earliest days … I sensed within – I needed to pick myself up and never fall –
not ever again.

It may take me years, I eerily thought
Facing the fact, that I must go on – a self awareness search for me – the me I was supposed to have been then, indeed! Locating the space inside me – where forgiveness was just a central trait, yes I did see – where acceptance would rule saving me in part – Falling in love with the me – I would be for my two precious hearts. I could start my self journey right away –
I had to take these steps yet I wasn’t quite sure – but wherever it may lead – ever how long it may take – doesn’t matter unless my baby boy can see …
and what I for him, my very own son, doesn’t show most times – as we know because it’s hiding behind a great wall we both know. My wall keeps pain born out of guilt, overseeing and keeping it from sticking like filth …

“as my sOuL cries …”

while inside – I’m moving forward, so that there will not be one doubt – in my son’s fragile mind and also his heart – as life seems to know nothing – but rushing about. My journey unfolds – I’m in awe you see – the life flavors he catches with clarity – he can actually see …

… Me. The me I now show and in showing control and having never let go – this me is way more cherished, more than diamonds or gold! I was like a sponge, soaking in a hot steamy tub and … then I was seeing all I could see –

I had finally gained more than self control over sadness, depression and HIV – ADHD coming from the rear, diabetes 2 stands away from the others so near, also my eyes and I have been told – are legally blind – yet COPD laughs saying … Don’t forget mine! Those do not define anything that I am … As long as I can love, truly love me – there’s nothing else I care about except self love for myself …

UNCONDITIONALLY

Me loving me was the hardest thing – hardest thing I would ever do – I recalled that pain flowing heavily from my eyes … In loving the me that was causing this strife – I ached for those babies in that awful past space – to please forgive the me who just didn’t know … A person born with a dazed and crazy brain also having a mom that certainly kept me in pain. It was never about me, and the only way I could push through and survive – no matter what my baby was told … all I ever did – was cry inside – begging God for those kids to refrain, from turning ice cold …

Time … it’s a precious gift I know now … we can never replace it once it passes … it never comes back –

Always remember that and think twice – pray hard and remember to Whom you belong!

I’m at peace inside of the real me today, although I think back to those days filled with fear – I’m not that me, not anymore … but hints of misery and from being afraid – taught me bright brutal truths that I would never – again ignore

No – I would never ignore … No – not anymore …

I had to maintain control of my emotions no doubt, guilt was heavy with feelings and wanting to shout – I was grieving the loss of my son while he’s still around. No wonder I felt like I deserved abuse, that I would receive in future rounds . Once, just recently I’ve seen – how it feels to finally be free, from guilt and crushing pain slamming down on top of me. I struggle daily because of the fact that I need for my hero, my son is for him to see – and that is my heart, through all of the steps that I managed to take … moving toward loving myself – in spite of the hurt I held like a pro – the sweetest little boy who grew up in front of my eyes: from my small son who I hold treasured memories for … to the 19 year old

that has made me so proud

I once begged God to please let me live, just long enough for my kids to see – being open inside for my wishes indeed – knowing how my son is just like me – no matter what he may tell himself to believe. My actions have shown now recently – I want the real me to make him perceive and discern that I am finally the me I should be.

Please let him draw close and feel comfortable and see without putting pressure on any part of the scene … I want him to see in the past and just this once let my love be a giant force while earning his trust.

I realized I was grieving my son though he were still alive and the guilt that I housed would infect me instead. He would need to know, much later on, when he was grown wondering what he’d done wrong for me to be gone. He may wonder – Did she miss me and did she cry for me as I did for her?

God allow him to know – while no doubts would be shown – I’d done everything that was expected of me. I knew little that I was supposed do and that entire time he was separated from me … Through mistakes and past wrongs showing to all – my actions were saying one thing and I hid away the other, pressing through, despite being hated on times ten … God, please let my baby boy love me again.

I missed him greatly, with a pain he’d never know – could she keep herself from showing her indifference? She glowed …

with the thought that Kenno, in the days that will come – would be shown her heart – that missed him – her prayer was actively answered indeed – he was going to be blessed to unveil the big plea, that he’s facing his freedom that was overshadowing me!

Yes, every night for years long past, I would cry heavy tears with gut wrenching pain – slicing through to the midst speaking prayers for God to take my son’s hurt for it to never remain.
I cried when I would think of you – innocent and sweet – how blatantly uncool for his mom to forsake.

I’m writing this so my heart and actions be shown – to my baby boy who is super smart – while deep down he discerned his mom’s moves way back at the start – and knew instantly the love she held tightly for him – never left her feelings as long as baby boy was at peace, since he finally knew, all those years ago, mom was more frightened than me? She loved me no matter what her past actions would show? And it would appear that she was not cold blooded I knowI FINALLY see and discern just for me, that she truly – to the Moon and back – really loved me!

Memories come alive …

~ animated in my head ~

tears are streaking silently down my face … I’m focusing on impressions from long ago grace … and as I sit quietly – in my own little world, I remember this and a whole lot more …

I do know this – I know this for sure, since my son finally admitted to loving me more!

I remember …

that I hate … remembering …

… remembering alone …

;-(

… thankfully when this all took place – the deep thinking – awareness thoughts – were within God’s grace!

❤️I’m referring to my son (or when I briefly mention my kids) when I talk about “my heart …”

💙 Read “my SouL cries” (part one is the link) … a three part series to completely understand ME and what’s up!

💜 Like my fb page that I created because I miss my babies!

❤️ Thank you for reading, commenting, and following 💚

“In limbo” (caught between “highs” and “lows)

Limbo is not a good place to be, before the crash and after the “high” …

Waiting to fall or to climb to new heights, whichever happens first …

It’s the not knowing which that is torture. Worse than the darkness.

Antsy, your all over the place … Hopeful, forgetful, anxious, sleepy, awake, cloudy, and weepy all at once,

Your afraid of pushing those close to you away, so you cling to them as if they are a life preserver …

Silently begging them to stay …

You need to feel important in some way, otherwise what’s the point?

A knot in your throat … Tells you that your afraid, of what others think also which way are you going to go today ..

Unknown …

Holding on in this limbo, is such a contrast to the blackness yet so similar …

It is worse I feel, because there is hope in the limbo that you will go “up” …

Yet in the blackness there’s no doubt what to do,

This feeble place is a special kind of hell in itself simply because of the hope that you will fly.

If you don’t, then down you go, spiraling

and the hell is the lost hope you had inside.

✌️Read my similar post: Perpetual madness of the mind 😊

❤️Thanks for reading, commenting, and following!💙

…. 5 ways to wait positively, while hoping to be noticed in the writing world …

Waiting, as a writer, to get noticed or to land a writing position is painstakingly hard as well as slow, when your new and trying to make a name for yourself and having little or no experience under your belt. You just know that is your passion.

There is a lot of work that goes along with getting yourself “out there” for a company or someone in authority to see your writing passion and skills. You need to build a portfolio of writings and this takes time. That’s why I started my blog, that and I had hoped to learn how to make money with it as well.

You may apply for 1,000+ jobs and get nothing. You may get a few these I received,

… “Dear Melodie M, Thank you for your application regarding a freelance writing position. After further review of your credentials, we will not be moving forward with the hiring process at this time” … Blah, blah, blah …

All these things together will put you into a funk and there are five crucial ways that you can stay positive while you are waiting!!!

I get on a roll and write two or three blog posts and then nothing for over a week . Anyone else have this problem?

I’ve applied for at least thirty remote jobs in one day for every day these past two months. I’m determined and I’m not stopping until I land one.

However, it gets so crazy, once you have done this every single day for two months without stopping, it completely wears on your nerves. Applying, rewording your letters and bio, rewording your resume, creating numerous profiles on websites that employers go to when they are looking to hire writers, it gets old and making all those profiles and applying daily with no reply or only receiving refusals, doesn’t have a very positive effect on you, I know!

It’s work to remain positive and to keep that passion burning bright!

But you can’t give up, and here are some ways I try to stay positive through those dark times:

1) One way to wait is not to get mad at yourself if your not writing at the moment. Don’t beat yourself up about not publishing or starting a blog post. Just accept that and allow yourself to relax and do things you may not do when your at the top of your writing game. I know I love to play Words With Friends because it stimulates my mind yet relaxes it as well. Don’t feel guilty just enjoy it! Allowing yourself to just relax is a big deal, so do it!

2) If your like me and seeing double letters on a page, you seriously need to tear yourself away from anything having to do with writing and job seeking. Spending time with friends and family is a positive way to spend your waiting time. Go out to lunch, go get your nails done, go to park or hang at home. The world will not end if you take a couple of days off from writing and/or applying from writing jobs.

3) Do something you haven’t done before! Take a hike, visit a new place, try out some new intimate things with your partner or just take a nap! Doing something you normally don’t do will help you while your waiting and it won’t seem like tedious work when you return to it!

4) Help others while your waiting. This is a sure fire way to get your mind off YOU.

You can also continue this when your sending out resumes and writing your next blog post! Helping others ALWAYS helps us inside as well! It’s a win-win situation!

5) If writing is your passion, like it is mine, then take time while your waiting to mentally prepare for when you return writing. Maybe your getting tired of it, maybe it’s getting to be to much! Writing and sending out applications and tweaking your resume are perilous duties when your downcast. So pep yourself up, give yourself a pep talk. Remind yourself why you love to write in the first place! If your mentally prepared for this, then you can change your feelings and stop feeling so downcast about it!

Positive thinking is the basis of these tips.

It does work because it has worked for me in the past. It takes a lot of mind power and control but it CAN be done if your determined enough.

Those are my little ways of breaking through the drudgery while breaking into a writing career. It is not for the weak of heart that’s for sure!

Keep doing it until you get what you want!

💙 Thank you for reading, commenting and following 💜

Just maybe …

… Progression … little by little … I’m moving closer to the me that’s deep in my soul.

Floating, with tears falling and seeing no end … I’m there smiling because I know what it took,

To make it where I am presently. Strong, yet fragile … holding inside what most couldn’t handle …

On the outside … struggling though no one saw, barely making everything seem normal to those around.

Not a lot of distance between us … and, I can’t help but daydream about you in many suggestive ways …

Suggestions appear in my head, maybe your thinking about me?

… I desire you, pondering about me, for any amount of time. I would smile, then cry with happy tears,

But do you ever really just think about me and how you like my smile? my laugh? my kiss? my touch? … Crazy!

Over and over thoughts turned in my brain, in wonderment at YOU getting into me … was it possible?

I do hope it was an accurate wish. Secretly, my daydreams turn into you …

Stars fall down from the sky, twinkling their fire … gazing up watching them descend past the darkness,

Progression … I feel the blood race to my face, I cannot hide what you draw out of me,

passion … passion …

Igniting my soul with a flame higher than the clouds … Oh yes, you’re in most every thought that’s

Floating down, passing up all the rest … In my heart. There will not be others taking up room

Inside my head … Only you, your smile, your smirk, your eyes, your voice, and your personality combined …

With sexual tension, growing daily, between … hotter than hotter … distance …

Are you maybe, just maybe having thoughts about me?

That would be possibly the most awesome thing

To happen … Progression … I’m dealing the only way I know how,

Dangling, was me in the tree … It’s all about you, even when it’s about me because I’m all about you … haven’t you seen?

Progression is advancing toward the process of advancement. Although you … standing by me, thick or thin … Hero!

It’s never there, I’m painfully aware, in my life … You’re hanging sometimes far back from me,

Accepting … but silently my heart smiles, grateful for your eyes … they tell the truth ~ no place to hide.

Loyal yet sexy, still they show more than you really know, or else you would put sunglasses

On and just walk on out.

They show what we have, what I’m always daydreaming about … some part of your presence

That fills me up, screaming your name and your eyes … They show me a lot deep in your soul, you may not want me to see

But I “feel” it and those fiery eyes tell me you do, for real, care more than a lot, about me …

Just maybe, you will see that as okay, nothing will change. I’m falling down … inside my head,

Breathing rapidly … Seeing strength and allowing pain, to sear through me

Showing me, I would be crushed in my soul, if you ever disbarred …

In my greater old age. See, I’m going to need you for as long as I’m alive in this place …

Progression sees the beyond that we have between, grinning and at peace, finally inside.

If not you stay, that’s a defeat … In my mind, my heart, my emotions yet will …

It come out, in other places? Only those eyes, they tell your soul, when they are staring me down … With you pressing down on me

I tell you … to …

dive deep into my soul …

Where there are no lies, and I can see yours, from your beautiful eyes …

💋 LIKE my Facebook page I created in honor of my bfwb!

😊 Other posts about my bffwb:

A real man

Where does the love go

NEVERLAND for mature readers

Tears falling down

The imprint of you on my heart

Beyond the scope of normal For mature readers

Why

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray

💚 Thank you for reading, commenting and following 💙

🌼you may feel broken, but you don’t need fixing!!!

I believe that my main problem, for all these years, has been thinking that I had to “fix myself” in order to live my life at peace within. That is an untrue statement.

Society as a whole feels that if we are going through something, we must need to be fixed. I don’t think I need to be fixed. Sure, I have had life’s issues that blew up in my face, causing me to make bad decisions or go down the wrong road, but I don’t feel that means that I need “to be fixed“!

So, I’ve been actively researching this subject all week and this is what I have learned. Society sees you as “broken” for example, if you are an addict or if you suffer from any one of several mental disorders, such as: ADHD, schizophrenia, pstd, bipolar, and depression or if you are a victim of domestic violence or suchlike. This is an ongoing list of situations that some suffer from and because of this society feels that an individual must be “broken” or just needing to “be fixed” because they allowed themselves to get caught up in those life issues. It’s ridiculous!

It’s easy to think of certain feelings or thoughts as bad for us and we naturally want to make them stop. We avoid them, we distract ourselves, and then we ultimately try to fix these “broken” parts of our lives.

These parts of us are NOT broken. In fact, I believe that not one of us is “broken“.

The problem is the thinking that we are “broken“. The issue is not the anxiety. It’s the intense struggle within that the anxiety creates that’s the problem. It’s our own desire to be free from this overwhelming emotion that causes us to feel trapped. All we want to do is just find some relief, and to make it STOP. This is not the way to make it go away, you are only causing yourself more problems than you need.

The key is to stop trying to fix it, stop trying to change it, stop allowing it to be an overwhelming problem. Instead, just try to be willing and sit with the feeling and accept it. By doing this, it will, in time, erase the anxiety.

How do I do this you may ask? It takes 30 days to make a habit, and it also takes 30 days to break a habit. Your mind automatically allows anxiety take over out of habit. When your on purpose managing it as I describe below, you will be on the road to breaking that habit. After 30 days of practicing this technique, every single time the anxiety crops up, it will be more automatic for you to push through it easier in your mind.

It is really simple, yet it is not an easy thing to do. This takes an amazing amount of mind power and control to accomplish. However, it CAN be done!

It totally depends on how much you want to change this wrong thought process that leads to the anxiety overtaking your life.

I know this because I, myself, have gone through this process. Nobody told me this, I learned it entirely on my own. This is not for the weak of heart.

You have to accept this overwhelming anxiety for what it is. Worrying, trying to fix problems that cause your anxiety, or ignoring it WILL NOT help or alleviate it. Only attacking and facing it head on with acceptance will calm your mind, so that you are able to focus on solutions to the problems that caused you to allow the ANXIETY to control in the first place.

You have to ON PURPOSE put those devastating emotions to the side in your mind. You tell yourself that these emotions are not helping you and are only making those emotions climax in your mind. This must be done every single time it happens, otherwise it won’t stick.

Put your mind where it needs to be, not where it wants to go.

Anxiety can paralyze your entire body and mind so they cannot function. I have been bombarded with anxiety my entire life because I live with ADHD unmedicated. Whatever disorder you have, it will not stop you from achieving this, simply because you suffer from it. You can push past your disorder. This process works and you CAN do this!

So instead of spending hundreds on therapy for this issue, decide to conquer this demon head on, and in time the anxiety will diminish, allowing you to go forth, more confident in your life and in the decisions you make.

As I’ve stressed to you, this is not for the weak minded or weak of heart, because the mind power it takes from the beginning, is an extremely difficult thing to do. You have to take every once of strength you can muster, just to do this because at first it will happen SEVERAL times a day. It will get tiring but it’s either spend your time in the solution or spending time being miserable and causing yourself unwanted bouts of anxiety. Your choice!

Bit by bit, facing this issue head on will slowly but surely stop your problem with anxiety. By conquering these unwanted emotions, you will experience an intense sense of freedom that you have ever known!

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❤️ Thanxxx for reading ❤️

Where does that strength come from?💪

Strength is something you are born with but it takes challenging situations for it to be mastered enough that you can pull just enough out of you to make it just a bit further down the road your traveling, when you don’t think you can go any further.

It seems the more you go through in life, the more strength you aquire through challenges faced from those adversities.

Have you just ever taken a moment to yourself to say, “how did I ever make it through that”? It’s because you don’t feel strong after those rough journeys that you conquered, but you know you had to have found the strength somewhere just to have pulled through.

I’m amazed at the resilience I’ve had when facing some of the darkest times in my life. Of course, you don’t notice that when your in the middle of going through them, but only afterwards, is it crystal clear that you had barely made it through. How did you do that? The only answer I could come up with is, “I just did”. You did it because you had no other option, you had to find the strength and your soul find it, unbeknownst to you.

I’ve been in the bathroom, looking in the mirror with tears running down my face, begging myself to stop crying when I was hurting so much I could barely stand it. That is pain, horrible, searing pain that was almost uncontrollable. But somehow, after several minutes, I was able to stop crying and gather myself together the best way I could. That took strength, a LOT of strength, that had to come from a place so deep inside, to push through all that pain.

Next time, be aware of your feelings and the challenging situation your facing. Look back and notice the strength you’ve exhibited throughout that situation, several different times. It takes a lot for an individual to display that type of strength.

We don’t give ourselves enough credit for being a hero in our own lives. It takes a real hero to handle what we have had to handle. Otherwise, we would remain broken and miserable in our daily lives, never getting past the challenges that life is going to throw at us.

Hold onto that deep down faith that’s inside your very bones. No matter what God won’t let you give up, even when you feel like you want to.

So love yourself for protecting yourself and for ultimately saving yourself. You are a very strong person. Embrace that about yourself today. Be your own hero and let God be the Leader in your life.

💪 Leave your comments about your own journey and how you were your own hero!

Sleepless in Texas ✌️

I’m undiagnosed and untreated with adult ADHD and it’s progression has worsened, especially within the past three to six months. I don’t know why. I’m just familiar with my body emotionally and physically, and both areas are freaking out more than ever.

I’ve silently suffered from ADHD my entire life. There were some times that were worse than others; however, recently has been the worse time of all.

I think to myself, “Yay, in my early golden years I get to put up with this craziness magnified. I’m so scattered and I know that people can see the crazy old lady I am perceived to be. Great, I think to myself. Perfect.

I know others are sick to death of hearing me complain about my undiagnosed state as well as being untreated. They have been sweet not to say anything, but “I’m afraid they may leave if I keep it up, like all the others in my past”. Paralyzing thoughts. Yay 👌 thank you ADHD. Your thoughts will lie to you. It suxxx.

I have a very small circle including my landlady (who is a very good friend), my BFWB, and my platonic male friend Kenny. That’s about it. I have a very small circle. Less drama and less people judging me, and less people to screw me over. I’ve had my fill of those types in my life, no more for me

I know people would think I was mental if I were to go out in public. I have let myself go physically and I’m ashamed.

I mistakingly thought I could overcome it with mind over matter but boy, was I totally wrong. I used to be so pretty now I feel like a troll 🙄

My sleep patterns are non- existent and wacky, for lack of a better word.

I do have my crazy moments though, real talk! Focusing only through writing and the lessons learned about my mistakes in life.

The fact that I can’t control a lot of this scares me but what can I do? Nothing, but move forward the best I can, praying for the day I can afford to see a clinic or Doctor that will treat me.

Long story short, my clinic is a sliding scale government funded clinic and they told me they didn’t prescribe stimulants nor did they have funding to test for ADHD.

I could bear and handle the symptoms, for the most part, until three to six months ago. They became worse and almost unbearable. I’ve struggled big-time ever since as if it were brand new to me.

I’ve worked harder on this blog site and content than I ever have with anything else! There is an almost explosive drive behind me, keeping me going with little sleep for days. I’m exhausted, excited, scared, anxious and distant all in one. But I keep plodding along until my battery runs out altogether.

Conquering my addiction was easier than dealing with this, I believe.

The ADHD explains the addiction, because I was addicted to cocaine. A stimulant (ADHD is treated with synthetic methamphetamine – which is a simulant as well) and I was unconsciously self medicating I’m sure in hopes of feeling “normal”.

Cocaine does not treat ADHD to any real degree. (maybe take the edge off and numb your emotions so you don’t feel the effects of ADHD symptoms) That’s why I felt little relief while getting hooked in the process. I’ve been clean over five years. That was only after five horrible relapses but I was not one to give up, so I kept trying to stop and finally I did.

I need relief and soon from this emotional hell.

Tomorrow is another day in which I really need to clean my house. Another one of ADHDs symptoms at work. These emotions can paralyze you into not being able to do anything. Sometimes, I can push through that and other times I simply cannot.

I was blessed to have RAW determination that has gotten me through my weakest points. I never know how I’m going to make it, but somehow I just do.

I’m grateful today for the revelations in my personal growth, but I need a break to rest.

LIKE my Facebook page for help and info for living with ADHD and other stigma related diseases, disorders and lifestyles: https://www.facebook.com/stopandkillthestigma/