Tag: Mean people
Deal with the mean people of this world
cOmpLeteLy me ๐
foreword: This post touches on people’s hurts and the walls they put up after being hurt, whether it’s emotionally or physically ~ when this happens they usually shut everyone out, especially if they have been hurt time and again, but if they are blessed, they have that one person who they let in … A lover, friend, sibling, etc … In my case, it is my best friend and beyond ~ my soulmate … I hope this brings hope that even though people suck … Don’t give up on finding one that you can 100% trust!
cOmpLeteLy me ๐
People mistakingly believe ~ thinking they know me, because of what I show ~ it has to be true ~ they love to gossip and make fun … while passing judgement on what they see and think they know ~ but all they REALLY know, is what I show … because BITCHES I’m in control …
I’m so much more than they can see … Never can I allow them to see …
๐… COMPLETELY ME …๐
I made the mistake when I was so young ~ to trust a little to easily … I learned quite fast that people suck ~ that’s why there’s but one that cared enough for me ~ to go through the darkness and slay the dragons for me …
So ~ he’s the only one I can show the real me … Because always with him I’m …
๐ COMPLETELY ME …๐
It pains me deep inside that some see me ONLY as a bitch, a slut, no good, lazy, stupid, a problem, a burden or they think I just don’t care …
… when …
โ๏ธAll I do is care … not what people think so much … but care that I’m seen for MY heart … not MY mistakes …
… I cared to much and years ago that almost broke my soul …
๐And still now … I care … But the hardness I learned to use to cover it up … Masks me now, so …
… THEY CAN NEVER SEE …
๐ … COMPLETELY ME …๐
I was hurt to much by fake souls acting like they should be close to me … They ruined it for all with one exception you see ~ my tough exterior will never show them what I don’t want them to see ~
… they will never see …
๐ cOmpLeteLy me
They don’t have permission to see, the complete me or the me I was always supposed to be … I’m NOT GOING TO ALLOW THEM ~ TO HURT ANYMORE OF ME … There’s only one allowed inside of me ~ just so he can see and that’s my soulmate that’s free ~ free to see EVERY part of me ~ because always with him I’m
๐ … COMPLETELY ME …๐
The hard exterior I acquired
… in order to be … came at a heavy price you see … so the softness inside … could not be crushed one more time in me …
โก Because … I only show them what I want them to see …
Because I’m so much more than anyone is allowed to see … They do not deserve to see … the me that I was supposed to be … only what I want them to know is what I show …
because BITCHES I’m in control ๐ช
it’s all about him being able to see … since he’s number one with me … Because always with him I’m …๐ฃ
๐ … COMPLETELY ME …๐
Not many have made it past the hardness that’s shielding me ~ only a handful in reality ~ because only a few deserved to remain with me … because they can hang with me and be loyal to me and those who can’t …โ๏ธ they can never see … the me I was always meant to be … The main population indeed … was never going to deserve ~
๐ … COMPLETELY ME …๐
I can be sensitive, sweet, stubborn, goofy, quick to forgive, discerning, and even sometimes afraid … The last few came with time and deep pain …
๐ Shouldn’t I show only certain parts of me … that the hardness hides inside me … But it won’t change the fact ~ that I won’t allow any to see … The me that I was truly meant to be …
But ~ always with him I’m …
COMPLETELY ME …๐
Others see bits of what I permit them to see … So, call me names or talk bad about me ~ because although I do care ~ never will you see … the reality of me … To be able to get past and inside of me … because there is only that one ~ that is free to see ~ because always with him I’m …
๐… COMPLETELY ME …๐
THERE’S JUST SO MUCH MORE TO ME THAN I ALLOW ANYONE TO SEE …
Only my best friend and beyond is free ~ to hang with me …๐ถ๏ธ
… people pretend to care and it’s plain to me ~ it’s for heartless reasons you see …
… that no one cares …โก
… because of greed and jealousy ~ however in reality ~ no one really cares about you nor do they care about me … unless by magic and grace … true angels appear to me …
Those precious few that stick close … are the ones that you don’t have to fear and you shall allow them to be ~ keepers of the keys to your soul indeed ~ so the the fake ones won’t see ~ so never again will I show anyone but him … Because …
… always with him I’m …
๐ COMPLETELY ME …๐
Those angels are rare … Don’t let them go … hold onto them tightly ~ Mine are precious to me ~ my angels … They are down for me ~ Those angels are very few you see and there’s only one that can ever see …
๐… Completely me …๐
If you don’t know me ~ and all you see … is a mask hiding a big part of me … Don’t be surprised because indeed you won’t need ~ to actually see ~ the me that I’m supposed to be …
Once you care enough to climb over my walls and dig in with me … I’m loyal to mine … and when they’re loyal to me …
That’s when they will see …
… COMPLETELY ME …๐
ยฉchellesrawthoughts
๐ thank you for reading, commenting, and following ๐
๐ mommy dearest ๐
๐ revised post from mother’s day 2019 ๐
I couldn’t believe it … when I was first told … the person that raised me was for real is a petty mean troll … She was hateful indeed and there was no doubt … that loathing she did went beyond way up and out … Yet my being raised so out of control … it was the devil from hell that wanted my soul …
Once I knew that she loved to hurt me … she sure did that that to me a lot indeed … On purpose was her pain … aimed directly at my brain … where it was disorderly yet sane … although crazy it caused anxiety in my brain …
For years, I made it my mission that I’d find a way to please … the evil monster she was … while trying to appease … The orders she tried to make me succumb … yet instead she managed to regain control over on one …
She blamed me for several … of covered up wrongs … my hidden disorder playing like an old song … with her look of disgust … that quickly became a must … to settle on down … to calm my fears while crushing my trust …
She hated on me … for many years more…. while telling me I was never going to be any good … that I was brainless and dumb … I was told time and again … I knew better and when … I disagreed with her … it was much to her chagrin …
Feeling ashamed that I was being stupid all over again … I had no real guidance that gave me a start … with me … grasping for instructions on the minute details of her black heart …
Through the cloudy hidden ADHD haze … jumbled and dazed … feeling the hatred from her they should’ve been a crime … for her it’s just in due time … realizing then that she must … not love me … while claiming that I was the one that was acting real bad … yes that had to be me …
I’d feel so bad that I couldn’t be good … this evil woman I’d begun to hate … while I realized that I would never be understood … her knowing that goodness … freely flowed out of me … that depressing blanket of black … hovered above me … while covering up the unimpeachable … just step back, wait and see …
Paralyzing taunts from the evil in her …. that plagued my thoughts … I certainly was not any old amatuer … ONLY WANTING HER TO LOVE ME … all that now thank God is a blur … Yet all I could do then … is pray that everything would be okay … because that’s what she’d prefer …
She turned my sweet … my baby girl … into a mini little “she” … told her fake news all about me … making me want to flee … down these roads why couldn’t she just leave all of this be …
I was slipping away into that cold dark pit – that was harrowing, scary and warm not a bit … why does she kill my dreams which caused me to just quit …
… the fact that I’m really smart … wasn’t very well known to those around me back then – all I wanted in the world was another mom to start … she lied to me not doing her part … countless times which definitely set the pace … it’s set in stone and unfortunately for me … I fell in disgrace … and her presence followed me … lurking all around the place …
she was always telling more lies about me … unforgettable yet still absurd … now as I look back on those shameful days … she remain cold and undeterred … I often never ever heard … the apologies resounding from her frosty cold soul … she’d never give me her word … not would she relinquish her control …
she’s never going to accept me, ever I thought … that I’d never make it back from all of the dark words and shameful taunts that the devil himself made from her lips without being caught …
the evil clinging inside of her brain – is way hotter than hell … I would never be the same … so much confusing chaos … all around her while silently praying but to no avail … she’d go head first … crashing through my many mistakes … on that rocky road from hell … while holding them all not just one … over me with no brakes …
I don’t feel guilty or anything bad … because I’m free to hate her now … for any unpleasantness that narcissists spread … The guilt as the scapegoat almost suffocated me many years ago … from the lies, calling names and with references that I’d been born from down below …
throughout each night all of my life … from daylight to dark … I’d been brought down real low … I should’ve fallen apart …
I craved for her to acknowledge me … for her to be proud … knowing it was doubtful at best .. yet somehow I was made to believe … that there had to be some good in everyone indeed …
narcissists don’t have one ounce of cheer … so now I no longer care if she acknowledged me back then or not … I was completely blown over when shown what she was … that day not very easily forgot …
I learned the hard way that she would never feel love for me or for you … while strolling along in life … Hopelessly … she’d groan causing so much strife … and with pain coming down … directly aimed at my soul … I wasn’t about to let anyone know …
I’m finally free ever since I’ve known what label she supports … masking emotions and things of that sort …
Manipulators and controllers stay busy all about … I tried so long to be a real good girl … there should be no doubt …
I feel as if I’m caught in a bind of chaos inside foggy clouds … I was unable to verbalize my feelings out loud … being locked in my own little world every day … so so quiet … still sensing her hate unmasking when she’d smile at me underneath it was so fake …
I was finally released … from her diabolical mind … my memories from then are ultimately at peace … I would no longer wish for her to be kind …
I rode out the hard pain … that hovered … barely … above me … while having thoughts that I feared that mostly involved you as well as me …
I am finally at the point in my life … I no longer have feelings … not for or about her … and I no longer tolerate any damn strife … I am at peace inside knowing my worth “as it were” …
ยฉchellesrawthoughts
๐ if you or someone you know is a daughter of a narcissistic mother ๐ reach out to them … they need someone to understand them and the depth of their immense emotional pain … because they believe everything is their fault … ๐ when it’s not …
๐ here are some informative and helpful links ๐
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: A Bond Made of Selfishness and Coldness
Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers
The Incredible Healing Power of Reddit’s ‘RaisedbyNarcissists’ Support Group
Do You Have A Narcissistic Mother?
8 Common, Long-Lasting Effects of Narcissistic Parenting
What happens when you live in the shadow of a narcissistic parent?
The Invisible War Zone: 5 Ways Children Of Narcissistic Parents Self-Destruct In Adulthood
๐ thank you for reading, following and
commenting ๐
๐ช๏ธ Inside the tornado … thoughts lie ๐ช๏ธ
I feel it coming on … this crazy feeling in my brain that won’t go away fast enough … This is a different type of pain …
ย ย
ย
I feel myself starting to shake inside …ย I then … sense the high winds of the tornado close by …
ย
“I know it will carry me off yet again……”
ย
“To what destination” Iย wonder… “Where the thoughts are born? Then they lie?”
ย
I know it’s because of the fog … The unclear clouds of confusion.
Mind over matter worked for me earlier in the day. I put myself in a good mood, I do this every day only for it to be jerked away from me, VICIOUSLY.
ย
“I work so hard to stay okay …”

“… why, why, why …”
ย
“Is this a dream?”ย ย I wondered, as I ached inside.
ย
ย
“Will we survive this journey I’m on? We better. You know how I look up to you, hang onto your every word but I just don’t get your mood towards me.” (I said silently to my bfab)
ย
“Am I interpreting it wrong or is it real”
my mind tries to scream through the clouds of confusion.

” … is it real …”
no … remember, thoughts lie …”
What happened to the sweet, encouraging, uplifting mood that I’m used to?
ย
“Am I not worthy of being bothered with because I don’t matter?”
ย
Oh my heart needs a clear view and there is none here … in the clouds rushing around me …

ย
I feel that heavy on me like a blanket. I don’t matterย enough to bother, I decided because I was so frustrated!
“Instead of lifting me up, you crushed me, intentionally? maybe not.” I tell myself fervently, so I beg you inside my head …
ย
“please don’t make me cry …”
ย
Yet you did anyway …
ย
The clouds are closing on on me …
ย
That’s really on me because of those thoughts in the cloud and …… “I remember those thoughts do lie.”
ย
… Nonetheless, that really hurt me inside my heart if I perceived it correctly.ย I hoped I didn’t, knowing that certain thoughts will lie …
You are my unsung hero and I need you in my life. I need your encouraging words, your smile and your personality all around me …

“Am I not worth that
bother?” the screams tell me that “thoughts lie” … when the clouds are around, and not to forget … “It will be over soon …”

I’m locked in that confusing fog of clouds not knowing if I matter or not … I beg for a hint of peace to pierce into the fear inside … Gathering myself together the best I can …
” … I’m glad those thoughts lie……..I can’t lose what I found …”
I cherish the fact that you are my best friend and beyond with all of my heart, so please don’t hurt me … I can’t do this alone because I will fail alone (I secretly begged him) … Nobody gets my crazy brain but you, and I cannot see my life unless you are in it …
ย
I need you with me and by my side in order to survive whatever this is, enveloping me. In my mind I beg …
ย
” … please don’t disappear because of the fog …”
I would not hesitate if the tables were turned, to stand by your side and be supportive of you …

… because that’s just what best friends are supposed to do …
ย
“Why aren’t you …”
ย
ย
“… no answer …”
ย
” … thoughts lie … he cares …”
“… remember the clouds will leave …“
The one thing I need from you is your smile and you won’t give it …ย Is the reasonย because I want it so bad … Is that why you keep it from me … That is mean, don’t you see … But your not like that … through the fog I know that … It’s jumbled up because of the thick clouds and tornados of thoughts that creep in …

“Why did you think it was okay for you to be mean towards me, especially now? Or is that my distorted perception ...”
“Are you just holding your kind words back because my soul needs to hear them? On purpose?
This is not like you, I just don’t get it.”
“remember thoughts lie … don’t forget”
“he hasn’t changed, you should know better …”
… frustrated … if not for the clouds I would … “I would know …”
“… I know you care, but you don’t let me see it …”

I’m crushed and no one cares it seems … I think to myself … “just walk on me and step on me, it doesn’t matter … I’m gonna hurt anyway … Why doesn’t anybody hear me …”

I just don’t get it … I’m confused and I know why … yet knowing doesn’t stop it from happening …
… Your making no sense to me … I’m not used to you hurting me …ย Never before had you tried … “why now” …

“… damn … these thoughts lie and I see them from inside this tornado …”
ย distorted … hazy … warped …
“But do you care? You can’t be like the rest. Please let this be a dream … and I wake up and your sweet … unlike the rest … you are special …
“… so please don’t be the same as everyone else …”
The screaming inside my soul cries …

“… Don’t forget what I’ve said … thoughts lie …”
… exhaustion …
” … just leave me be so I can cry in peace. But I don’t care …” It hurts in my belly with hard sharp pains … I’m so tired … through and through …

you have no clue as to how much I need you in my life …
I thought you would always care … but you don’t … At least that is what I feel …
ย
… feelings … just like the whirlwind of thoughts … will lie … don’t forget …
“… omg thoughts lie, I almost forgot …”
ย
ย
The unwanted tangled and distorted thoughts cloud the original ones that are locked in my head … My brain was trying to save me by screaming …
ย
“… remember thoughts lie … don’t forget …”
“I’m closing my eyes … stay close to me … I don’t want to die … die inside … I mean from a crushed spirit … you don’t crush those … you lift those up … goodnight I’m closing my eyes … stay close please …”

“I need you to forget that I’m in this cloud of swirling winds … I won’t always be … Please stay … Because I know that thoughts do lie … I’m holding fast to the faith that sustains me for that to please be true …”
” … You are the same as before … I’m so grateful for you … good … I was wrong …”
ย
... my mind clears and those horrible clouds seem to be lifting now …”
ย
” … you stayed … thank you …”
” … thank you …” I silently spoke to the Lord … “for reminding me that those thoughts lied …”This was written during an ADHD anxiety crazed moment … not after …ย
I wanted to describe the negative thoughts and the struggle to fight them so others could see what someone battles daily with this disorder.“>TEST FOR ADHD
๐ LIKE my facebook page for help and info about living with stigma related disorders … diseases … illnesses …ย check it out … ๐

๐ช๏ธ Thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐ช๏ธ
๐งmemories … roll down my cheeks๐ง
โก this post focuses on the fall of 2013, when we lost our home. My son, who was 15 at the time, was forced to move in with his two friends from school and their mom, because of a personal tragedy. I was so thankful they did and I know that God gave them to my son to help him during this pivotal time in his young life. There were rumors spreading faster than the speed of sound about me, in our small rural town. I was called every name in the book and made to feel as if I didn’t care about my son or the house I lost. What nobody saw or understood was that we both had lost our whole life. It was horrific at best. I had to leave town that following January and I moved to a larger town close by. I went to the homeless shelter there to try to pick up the broken and shattered pieces of our life.
๐ This is our story …
.. … dedicated to my amazing son, who is graduating ๐ this month and the tragedy he faced that started the domino effect, through the obstacles he pushed through on his journey ๐even after his fathers unexpected death ๐ค he pressed on ๐ฒ until the present day ๐ฉโ๐ This poem focuses on how this bittersweet victory shows how determination ๐ true love ๐ช๏ธ and heartache can anchor your soul ๐ฉโ๐ driving you to succeed ๐ against all odds ๐
“… memories … roll down my cheeks …”
Remembering those memories from before …… of his tiny hands and feet, smiling baby cheeks, and as I remember more memories I picture … his chubby face – full of table food smears, birthday cakes and summer slides, of course popsicles – loved by all …. year after year …
Disdainfully, I cringe away from those dark painful thoughts – feeling a tight knot form in my throat … from hateful impressions … molded by haters … Who saw me as naught ……
The measure of unfathomed love inside me – would have filled close to one thousand worlds …
“my son was my smile simply because … I dreamed him into being, long before he was born ...”
but smiles fade … life’s tests and trials find you and you have no option but to maintain – otherwise there would be nothing to gain …
For reasons I can’t imagine – but liars … haters galore wouldn’t leave my mind … stress magnified probably close to one million times … I was unable to show my heart through my actions not even through my life – it wouldn’t have mattered – haters never care about the truth if they believe they see – they just hate – then lie, so … nobody at all tried to see, just how precious my baby boy was to me.
Our safety – our midnight talks, our schedule – my washing your socks – our dream – EVERYTHING THAT WE’D KNOWN – was gone – stolen outright … just like that – our life was forever removed – those cowards don’t know me but one day they will see – I damn sure will have something to prove …
After that monumental criminal attack – I didn’t allow anyone passage into my heart – not my soul – haters – fakers – thru and thru … users – because of them – I was beginning to grow cold …
.. Remembering precious memories before … of his many first days at school ~ the best outfits we could afford, the happiest of smiles and silly giggles and the joy I felt for him …
I never dreamed of what would soon come our way … years away … It would never
again … be okay …
… in fact … suddenly …
… Smiles turned upside down, whirling and spiraling into the summer night breeze …
… transforming into fear, future time would realize that quick separation is near … stunned in the sense that life was unfair –
… crushed under the blanket of confusion mixed with frightened tears …
There was to be no relief in sight … no solace … after our smiles were reversed … I prayed to HIM “please lift this curse …”
” … If only I had known …”
What in the hell – if I would have known then – wtf would I do?
… Remembering memories before … of the beginning teenage years – the person he was yet to be – yet the baby that was right here – staring with his trusting eyes – looking straight at me ...
… Remembering …
… It hurts …
… it’s killing me that I am the cause – of our dream shutting down … I hurt him with my addiction and then … this had to happen to us and just take more away – my boy did nothing that deserved his life to be extinguished that day …
it’s painful to look back – yet … those memories … from years before … were all that I had about our life – that I still adored …
I miss the life that was ruthlessly … viciously taken from us and it’s safe to say – I feel like my son probably feels the same way …
I’m not sure if I will ever be free – of the cloud holding – guilt, regret and pain – it comes around less often than it did at the start … I never wanted pity – I totally feel – deserving of those freaks – riding that cloud – ever since my son and I had … no choice but to part …
Suffocating … I cannot breathe as my heart constricts from intense gouging pains – while I recall …“
cherished recollections …
… from priceless moments before …
chains from unmemorized tunes … playing furiously in the silent night mist …
Complete brokenness
Regret …
Guilt …
Tears …
Self hate …
… I was beginning to feel the pain leave quite slow … from times featuring minor dull aching thuds – crashing through my defenses – holding back several tons of undiscovered tears …
Frightened … foreboding heaviness – black hearts that clinch my soul …
… penetrating … sliding gracefully … closer … until it settles into the core of your essence … Crippling emotional pain โฆ
โฆ awakens โฆ
… my sOuL …
“God” she cried, as her tear stained face looked up – toward the late night eerie sky …
“Please don’t let my little boy lose his love for me …”
She knew he would be moving out soon, there was no other choice – her stomach churned violently – thoughts swarming her brain … Of far away wishes, prayers and dreams … haters would soon claim their win …
~ avoidance – was futile ~
… God saw it best to take my sweet boy away … from my care … soon after that …
It was for his best – I was aware – grateful I was – for the angel family that came from God … I knew that I wanted my boy to stay – “no option dammit” I cried inside – it was for his best – he would be safe, I knew … in their care …
that didn’t stop me from dying inside and feeling …
slicing pain – carefully imploding … behind the space reserved … wait … “he can’t be alone – I can’t either, I need him to much” was her silent, screaming – loud heart’s cry โค๏ธ
ringing – echoing in her head like a trumpet blast …
“Ohhh please Lord … go with him … please keep him free … from heart pain – give it all to me … let him be free to be all he can be …”
Gripped in the throes of unnatural fate … Never before had she felt this disgrace …
She almost broke down and felt torn apart but how much more pain – her boy must have felt and was surely in fear … surely he was wanting his mom … he had to be scared … thinking with that fear – simply because she was no longer here …
How could she hold up … after she’d allowed his world to be … ripped … ferociously into shreds – she would somehow make it right …praying hard … with all of her might – praying and pleading … hoping God would agree …
She never again turned to drugs – not after her heart was ripped savagely away, don’t you see … of course rumors flew through town – I was doing everything … cowards cried – from drugs to only God knows what else … to myself I would say – after hearing those lies – I could not fall again – I wouldn’t have him hurting because I’d let him down …
“… not after this – I would from now on refrain …”
UNBEARABLE WAS THIS PAIN – FILLING HER WITH DREAD …
She silently promised her son … that she loved him beyond infinity plus one …
“I would do anything to make it right …”
“I never should’ve invited the devil in our home of dreams – I was played well … I never recognized the evil scheme …”
Fear and regret were partners in crime …
… attacking me …
… haunting my mind … bringing confusion – confusion brought guilt – guilt filled me with pain … apparently the poison from that beat me down more – yet again …
As she dissolved into tears … Feeling herself break inside, she would never be the same … But in her heart she claimed, that her boy wouldn’t go through this hell “not in vain” … “How would I manage” … she didn’t have a clue … she was shutting down … inside paralyzed … such raw emotions had demolished her sOuL …
“I cannot stand this God … please let this all be a bad dream”
– Signs of the trauma showed all over her face – could be felt by her body actually – she needed some encouragement to help plead her case …
“My precious sweet son – I make you this promise that I will hold you inside – so very tight until the time arrives – when you and I reunite and choose together where to live and what school would you like – find a girlfriend and have her over a few times a week – maybe start a real family game night … Until then, my son, please don‘t depart – stay with me … inside – because …
“You are forever… enclosed in my heart”๐
he is close by … in my heart …
my heart slowly cracked – just enough and the broken pieces were not thrown away … but … they hardened inside – there was only one thing that I knew would work – and that meant get down on my knees and pray …
… instead – those enhanced pieces of hardened heart – of far away taunts – unspeakable whispers – telling tales …
… creative yet silent muses – restless anxiety sprang forth in a soft misty spray – while … ignoring the dark places – we had just barely survived – the hell I let inside … swirling thoughts in a whirlwind cloud …
... patiently, I wait – “go away crazy jumbled thoughts” … I’m shaky … while being carried away – by ping pong ideas – animated – not making sense –
I had to gather myself and respectfully utter thanks … I didn’t know then … that our reunion would never take place …
… noone has a clue – the extent of our pain – that was felt intensely – that very dark day … massive guilt covered me – sticking around – weighing close to one thousand pounds …
Missing his face … hurting so bad because I knew – he was better off without me in his life … hateful dark thoughts – unnerved me – taunting me with words that said – I didn’t deserve a place in his life … I didn’t deserve to even be alive …
though I believed – those black thoughts were right – I pushed through daily – ignoring the shame – still nothing came through – no job – nothing at all … but … I couldn’t give up nor would I give in – it was hard as hell – I felt very small …
… during those next few – quite challenging yet detestable years …I never could seem to get up – in this world I feared …
REGRET still haunts me – I miss my precious baby – I love him sooo …
tears … guilt … pain … fear …
filled up my time during the next few years …
Memories … Remembering …
The hate she’d gone through for those haters she’d see … would prove that she had no choice, but to be tough and proceed …
… Remembering memories before … they would sneak passed my eyes slide down over my cheeks, only to be wiped away …
never to be forgotten …
… Regret is a pain that NEVER goes away. I live with it every day …