⚡ this post focuses on the fall of 2013, when we lost our home. My son, who was 15 at the time, was forced to move in with his two friends from school and their mom, because of a personal tragedy. I was so thankful they did and I know that God gave them to my son to help him during this pivotal time in his young life. There were rumors spreading faster than the speed of sound about me, in our small rural town. I was called every name in the book and made to feel as if I didn’t care about my son or the house I lost. What nobody saw or understood was that we both had lost our whole life. It was horrific at best. I had to leave town that following January and I moved to a larger town close by. I went to the homeless shelter there to try to pick up the broken and shattered pieces of our life.
💑 This is our story …
.. … dedicated to my amazing son, who is graduating 🎓 this month and the tragedy he faced that started the domino effect, through the obstacles he pushed through on his journey 🏃even after his fathers unexpected death 👤 he pressed on 👲 until the present day 👩🚒 This poem focuses on how this bittersweet victory shows how determination 🎓 true love 🌪️ and heartache can anchor your soul 👩🎓 driving you to succeed 🙏 against all odds 🎓
“… memories … roll down my cheeks …”
Remembering those memories from before …… of his tiny hands and feet, smiling baby cheeks, and as I remember more memories I picture … his chubby face – full of table food smears, birthday cakes and summer slides, of course popsicles – loved by all …. year after year …
Disdainfully, I cringe away from those dark painful thoughts – feeling a tight knot form in my throat … from hateful impressions … molded by haters … Who saw me as naught ……
The measure of unfathomed love inside me – would have filled close to one thousand worlds …
“my son was my smile simply because … I dreamed him into being, long before he was born ...”
but smiles fade … life’s tests and trials find you and you have no option but to maintain – otherwise there would be nothing to gain …
For reasons I can’t imagine – but liars … haters galore wouldn’t leave my mind … stress magnified probably close to one million times … I was unable to show my heart through my actions not even through my life – it wouldn’t have mattered – haters never care about the truth if they believe they see – they just hate – then lie, so … nobody at all tried to see, just how precious my baby boy was to me.
Our safety – our midnight talks, our schedule – my washing your socks – our dream – EVERYTHING THAT WE’D KNOWN – was gone – stolen outright … just like that – our life was forever removed – those cowards don’t know me but one day they will see – I damn sure will have something to prove …
After that monumental criminal attack – I didn’t allow anyone passage into my heart – not my soul – haters – fakers – thru and thru … users – because of them – I was beginning to grow cold …
.. Remembering precious memories before … of his many first days at school ~ the best outfits we could afford, the happiest of smiles and silly giggles and the joy I felt for him …
I never dreamed of what would soon come our way … years away … It would never
again … be okay …
… in fact … suddenly …
… Smiles turned upside down, whirling and spiraling into the summer night breeze …
… transforming into fear, future time would realize that quick separation is near … stunned in the sense that life was unfair –
… crushed under the blanket of confusion mixed with frightened tears …
There was to be no relief in sight … no solace … after our smiles were reversed … I prayed to HIM “please lift this curse …”
” … If only I had known …”
What in the hell – if I would have known then – wtf would I do?
… Remembering memories before … of the beginning teenage years – the person he was yet to be – yet the baby that was right here – staring with his trusting eyes – looking straight at me ...
… Remembering …
… It hurts …
… it’s killing me that I am the cause – of our dream shutting down … I hurt him with my addiction and then … this had to happen to us and just take more away – my boy did nothing that deserved his life to be extinguished that day …
it’s painful to look back – yet … those memories … from years before … were all that I had about our life – that I still adored …
I miss the life that was ruthlessly … viciously taken from us and it’s safe to say – I feel like my son probably feels the same way …
I’m not sure if I will ever be free – of the cloud holding – guilt, regret and pain – it comes around less often than it did at the start … I never wanted pity – I totally feel – deserving of those freaks – riding that cloud – ever since my son and I had … no choice but to part …
Suffocating … I cannot breathe as my heart constricts from intense gouging pains – while I recall …“
cherished recollections …
… from priceless moments before …
chains from unmemorized tunes … playing furiously in the silent night mist …
Complete brokenness
Regret …
Guilt …
Tears …
Self hate …
… I was beginning to feel the pain leave quite slow … from times featuring minor dull aching thuds – crashing through my defenses – holding back several tons of undiscovered tears …
Frightened … foreboding heaviness – black hearts that clinch my soul …
… penetrating … sliding gracefully … closer … until it settles into the core of your essence … Crippling emotional pain …
… awakens …
… my sOuL …
“God” she cried, as her tear stained face looked up – toward the late night eerie sky …
“Please don’t let my little boy lose his love for me …”
She knew he would be moving out soon, there was no other choice – her stomach churned violently – thoughts swarming her brain … Of far away wishes, prayers and dreams … haters would soon claim their win …
~ avoidance – was futile ~
… God saw it best to take my sweet boy away … from my care … soon after that …
It was for his best – I was aware – grateful I was – for the angel family that came from God … I knew that I wanted my boy to stay – “no option dammit” I cried inside – it was for his best – he would be safe, I knew … in their care …
that didn’t stop me from dying inside and feeling …
slicing pain – carefully imploding … behind the space reserved … wait … “he can’t be alone – I can’t either, I need him to much” was her silent, screaming – loud heart’s cry ❤️
ringing – echoing in her head like a trumpet blast …
“Ohhh please Lord … go with him … please keep him free … from heart pain – give it all to me … let him be free to be all he can be …”
Gripped in the throes of unnatural fate … Never before had she felt this disgrace …
She almost broke down and felt torn apart but how much more pain – her boy must have felt and was surely in fear … surely he was wanting his mom … he had to be scared … thinking with that fear – simply because she was no longer here …
How could she hold up … after she’d allowed his world to be … ripped … ferociously into shreds – she would somehow make it right …praying hard … with all of her might – praying and pleading … hoping God would agree …
She never again turned to drugs – not after her heart was ripped savagely away, don’t you see … of course rumors flew through town – I was doing everything … cowards cried – from drugs to only God knows what else … to myself I would say – after hearing those lies – I could not fall again – I wouldn’t have him hurting because I’d let him down …
“… not after this – I would from now on refrain …”
UNBEARABLE WAS THIS PAIN – FILLING HER WITH DREAD …
She silently promised her son … that she loved him beyond infinity plus one …
“I would do anything to make it right …”
“I never should’ve invited the devil in our home of dreams – I was played well … I never recognized the evil scheme …”
Fear and regret were partners in crime …
… attacking me …
… haunting my mind … bringing confusion – confusion brought guilt – guilt filled me with pain … apparently the poison from that beat me down more – yet again …
As she dissolved into tears … Feeling herself break inside, she would never be the same … But in her heart she claimed, that her boy wouldn’t go through this hell “not in vain” … “How would I manage” … she didn’t have a clue … she was shutting down … inside paralyzed … such raw emotions had demolished her sOuL …
“I cannot stand this God … please let this all be a bad dream”
– Signs of the trauma showed all over her face – could be felt by her body actually – she needed some encouragement to help plead her case …
“My precious sweet son – I make you this promise that I will hold you inside – so very tight until the time arrives – when you and I reunite and choose together where to live and what school would you like – find a girlfriend and have her over a few times a week – maybe start a real family game night … Until then, my son, please don‘t depart – stay with me … inside – because …
“You are forever… enclosed in my heart”💖
he is close by … in my heart …
my heart slowly cracked – just enough and the broken pieces were not thrown away … but … they hardened inside – there was only one thing that I knew would work – and that meant get down on my knees and pray …
… instead – those enhanced pieces of hardened heart – of far away taunts – unspeakable whispers – telling tales …
… creative yet silent muses – restless anxiety sprang forth in a soft misty spray – while … ignoring the dark places – we had just barely survived – the hell I let inside … swirling thoughts in a whirlwind cloud …
... patiently, I wait – “go away crazy jumbled thoughts” … I’m shaky … while being carried away – by ping pong ideas – animated – not making sense –
I had to gather myself and respectfully utter thanks … I didn’t know then … that our reunion would never take place …
… noone has a clue – the extent of our pain – that was felt intensely – that very dark day … massive guilt covered me – sticking around – weighing close to one thousand pounds …
Missing his face … hurting so bad because I knew – he was better off without me in his life … hateful dark thoughts – unnerved me – taunting me with words that said – I didn’t deserve a place in his life … I didn’t deserve to even be alive …
though I believed – those black thoughts were right – I pushed through daily – ignoring the shame – still nothing came through – no job – nothing at all … but … I couldn’t give up nor would I give in – it was hard as hell – I felt very small …
… during those next few – quite challenging yet detestable years …I never could seem to get up – in this world I feared …
REGRET still haunts me – I miss my precious baby – I love him sooo …
tears … guilt … pain … fear …
filled up my time during the next few years …
Memories … Remembering …
The hate she’d gone through for those haters she’d see … would prove that she had no choice, but to be tough and proceed …
… Remembering memories before … they would sneak passed my eyes slide down over my cheeks, only to be wiped away …
never to be forgotten …
… Regret is a pain that NEVER goes away. I live with it every day …
I own all my wrongs – I just would like this chance – for his permission, you see – for my boy to get to know me … again …
… the real me …
… The woman I am now is who he should have had – as a mom – I have such a desire and hard drive to show him …
… how I can inspire and still be …
… who I should have been all along …
“… Do I dare hope?”
… Now, my baby is all grown up handling a busy life of his own …
… my love has NEVER changed from that very first memory day … that started from home … I hope my son knows this – I’ve loved him fiercely ever since he’s been gone …
… Although my feelings may not have been shown …
… in order to completely stake my claim, considering I’m grown …
…. OMG screw haters that say I’d been spouting off lies … sleeping around … smoking dope – I am so sick of being accused – of things I don’t do – just because I was an addict – I’m not allowed to be believed – just judged – juryed – and convicted … “Don’t y’all see, how unfair that can be” … “They wouldn’t see the truth – if it was right in front of their eyes” … “All I want is to be away from haters, cutthroats and folks that are mean – I want to be free …”
… Damn these thoughts …
Demons of emotional disorders, addiction and violence plagued me … through the years … he needed me most …
… That’s why I took all the violent abuse – that showed up in my life … from different people and in distinct harmful ways … I just tried to survive …
SELF DESTRUCTION
Everyone, including myself, thought I’d gotten what I deserved … Still, I catch guilt … It tries to pull me vehemently – away from his heart …
Ohhh God I MISS HIM SO BAD
REMEMBERING
This was written during an ADHD anxiety crazed moment … not after … 
