Wisdom is gold

(revised 10-08-19)

Wisdom comes with life’s experiences as well as with age … Be ready – to be thoroughly amazed …

Hold onto wisdom like it is pure gold …

watch her as she breaks the mold …

Helping people who’ve been struggling is a sign of wisdom on your part … letting them know all the pitfalls in getting there was truly very smart … helping especially, despite your inner pain … when you have knowledge of yourself it is one huge gain …

No more holding things inside or trying to cover things up … although the majority of people are corrupt … they won’t allow you to see them from the inside …

Facing your fears not running from them … with wisdom and you on this knowledge ride

Wouldn’t that be an amazing sight … … Just knowing what you feel is right as rain …

No question …

Before or after your thoughts turn mundane …

thoughts were coming left as well as right …
Circling around me … hovering over … as if experiencing a major plight … Not stopping so I could see …

Clarity … I need clarity …

Wisdom should be loyal with huge doses of respect times ten …

Emulating from others as well as from within …

clear thoughts falling down around you,

And in those moments, you have to reflect โ€ฆ blurred recollections are certainly cause for reject …

On how precious wisdom truly is โ€ฆ regardless if it’s any of your biz … contemplating your main thoughts instead

Did I really find wisdom you may have said …

Bad decisions and good alike … are going to happen to all of us and others on sight …

Caused rivalry between the best … And you’re in a test …

unknowingly …

I’m glad wisdom found me the older I became …

It snuck up on me so quickly …

Looking for it so hard that I became quite disdain โ€ฆ

Not knowing how to handle her in my strange ways …

It was hit and miss for quite some days … Never giving up, holding onto the hope … coveting wisdom in her entirety …

On her curvaceous slopesโ€ฆ Once you know that โ€ฆ know you can never turn it around to help with unwanted anxiety …

Wisdom has your heart so full …

making your home so warm … causing your heart to be full with laughter floating out from the windows while

happiness and smiles coat with her charm โ€ฆ

Life seems different once wisdom is here and as you know… Wisdom is precious and she is solid – she’s just pure gold โค๏ธ

ยฉ chellesrawthoughts

โญ thank you for reading, commenting, and following โญ

cOmpLeteLy me ๐Ÿ‘ 

foreword: This post touches on people’s hurts and the walls they put up after being hurt, whether it’s emotionally or physically ~ when this happens they usually shut everyone out, especially if they have been hurt time and again, but if they are blessed, they have that one person who they let in … A lover, friend, sibling, etc … In my case, it is my best friend and beyond ~ my soulmate … I hope this brings hope that even though people suck … Don’t give up on finding one that you can 100% trust!

cOmpLeteLy me ๐Ÿ‘ 

People mistakingly believe ~ thinking they know me, because of what I show ~ it has to be true ~ they love to gossip and make fun … while passing judgement on what they see and think they know ~ but all they REALLY know, is what I show … because BITCHES I’m in control …

I’m so much more than they can see … Never can I allow them to see …

๐Ÿ’„… COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ‘ 

I made the mistake when I was so young ~ to trust a little to easily … I learned quite fast that people suck ~ that’s why there’s but one that cared enough for me ~ to go through the darkness and slay the dragons for me …

So ~ he’s the only one I can show the real me … Because always with him I’m …

๐Ÿ‘  COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ’„

It pains me deep inside that some see me ONLY as a bitch, a slut, no good, lazy, stupid, a problem, a burden or they think I just don’t care …

… when …

โœ๏ธAll I do is care … not what people think so much … but care that I’m seen for MY heart … not MY mistakes …

… I cared to much and years ago that almost broke my soul …

๐Ÿ““And still now … I care … But the hardness I learned to use to cover it up … Masks me now, so …

… THEY CAN NEVER SEE …

๐Ÿ‘  … COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ’„

I was hurt to much by fake souls acting like they should be close to me … They ruined it for all with one exception you see ~ my tough exterior will never show them what I don’t want them to see ~

… they will never see …

๐Ÿ’„ cOmpLeteLy me

They don’t have permission to see, the complete me or the me I was always supposed to be … I’m NOT GOING TO ALLOW THEM ~ TO HURT ANYMORE OF ME … There’s only one allowed inside of me ~ just so he can see and that’s my soulmate that’s free ~ free to see EVERY part of me ~ because always with him I’m

๐Ÿ’„ … COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ‘ 

The hard exterior I acquired
… in order to be … came at a heavy price you see … so the softness inside … could not be crushed one more time in me …

โšก Because … I only show them what I want them to see …

Because I’m so much more than anyone is allowed to see … They do not deserve to see … the me that I was supposed to be … only what I want them to know is what I show …

because BITCHES I’m in control ๐Ÿ’ช

it’s all about him being able to see … since he’s number one with me … Because always with him I’m …๐Ÿ‘ฃ

๐Ÿ‘  … COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ’„

Not many have made it past the hardness that’s shielding me ~ only a handful in reality ~ because only a few deserved to remain with me … because they can hang with me and be loyal to me and those who can’t …โœ๏ธ they can never see … the me I was always meant to be … The main population indeed … was never going to deserve ~

๐Ÿ‘ … COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ’„

I can be sensitive, sweet, stubborn, goofy, quick to forgive, discerning, and even sometimes afraid … The last few came with time and deep pain …

๐Ÿ““ Shouldn’t I show only certain parts of me … that the hardness hides inside me … But it won’t change the fact ~ that I won’t allow any to see … The me that I was truly meant to be …

But ~ always with him I’m …

COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ‘ 

Others see bits of what I permit them to see … So, call me names or talk bad about me ~ because although I do care ~ never will you see … the reality of me … To be able to get past and inside of me … because there is only that one ~ that is free to see ~ because always with him I’m …

๐Ÿ’„… COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ‘ 

THERE’S JUST SO MUCH MORE TO ME THAN I ALLOW ANYONE TO SEE …

Only my best friend and beyond is free ~ to hang with me …๐Ÿ•ถ๏ธ

… people pretend to care and it’s plain to me ~ it’s for heartless reasons you see …

… that no one cares …โšก

… because of greed and jealousy ~ however in reality ~ no one really cares about you nor do they care about me … unless by magic and grace … true angels appear to me …

Those precious few that stick close … are the ones that you don’t have to fear and you shall allow them to be ~ keepers of the keys to your soul indeed ~ so the the fake ones won’t see ~ so never again will I show anyone but him … Because …

… always with him I’m …

๐Ÿ‘  COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ’„

Those angels are rare … Don’t let them go … hold onto them tightly ~ Mine are precious to me ~ my angels … They are down for me ~ Those angels are very few you see and there’s only one that can ever see …

๐Ÿ’„… Completely me …๐Ÿ‘ 

If you don’t know me ~ and all you see … is a mask hiding a big part of me … Don’t be surprised because indeed you won’t need ~ to actually see ~ the me that I’m supposed to be …

Once you care enough to climb over my walls and dig in with me … I’m loyal to mine … and when they’re loyal to me …

That’s when they will see …

… COMPLETELY ME …๐Ÿ’„

ยฉchellesrawthoughts

๐Ÿ‘  thank you for reading, commenting, and following ๐Ÿ’„

I would have never dreamed ๐Ÿคฉ

I was completely caught off guard tonight … you would never have said those words unless you meant them and I know I had to look a sight …

… still in disbelief … I pinch myself to make sure it’s real and to know it is, is such a huge relief …

you won my heart and trust that very first day … you came back to me after fleeing twice … I think it was because you knew you’d want to stay …

OMG I am over the top happy … yes I will move to the little house behind yours … my own little cottage of candy … hummm I can’t help to think what will go on behind those doors …

nothing has to change and it won’t with me … I just know I’m going to be more happy … I think so will you be … together more often than we have ever seen …

I believe it will be great because we enjoy each other … for me at least there will never be another … I will strive not to make you feel smothered … oh we have so much to discover!

ยฉchellesrawthoughts

baby I’m waiting for you ๐Ÿ’‹

That horrible day you were taken is engraved in my mind … I felt incredibly lost because you’re unique and one of a kind … they themselves should be arrested for that vicious crime …

I was so afraid to be alone … I had to calm down and set the tone … to be an adult more than I’ve ever shown …

it’s been almost two months now with seven more to go … every single day – for us both – I know that time creeps by ever so slow … you’re more precious to me now than you will ever know …

I cannot fathom life without you around, not anymore … Without you here daily creates the horrendous chore … of having to be strong deep down to my souls very core …

Being a grown up is just not my thing … I’ve just had to be since they took you away because you are my king … forever you have the loyality from me that I will bring …

Silent tears threaten to roll down my face … I try wiping them away so there is no trace … I gather myself and stay in my own space …

Away from other couples that argue and complain … I smile to myself, thankful we are not the same … We get along so wonderfully, putting those others to shame …

I will hold on tight and never will I let go … Boo Bear ๐Ÿป this you really need to know … my heart is yours, hold it gently and keep it under control …

Streaks of tears falling fast now, down my cheeks … I look up toward heaven and smile, not feeling so bleak … because God gave me to you and I’m no longer weak …

Seven more months, I would wait on you millions more … There is none like you anywhere, finding you was quite the chore … You are definitely and certainly worth waiting for …

๐Ÿ’‹ thank you for reading, following and commenting ๐Ÿ’‹

… yOu … me …

I stay up at night thinking of

… yOu …

the BEAUTY of yOur sOuL radiates into

… me …

causing me to feeL

… yOu …

the amazement of yOu creates in

… me …

a deep excitement in seeing

… yOu …

causing a hurricane of thoughts in

… me …

I’m in wonderment of the essence of

… yOu …

yOu make my heartbeat throb …

… me …

I cause the naughty thoughts in…

… yOu …

yOu make tingles shoot through

… me …

making the private parts on

… yOu …

seek out the intimate parts on

… me …

making the emotions on

… yOu …

grab my face and begin kissing

… me …

while I grab for the hugs from

… yOu …

instead it’s yOu wanting from

… me …

my body pressed up against

… yOu …

clinging to the sOuL of

… me …

that brings out the radiating sOuL of

… yOu …

causing yOu to explode in

… me …

makes me gush all over

… yOu …

trembling – yOu hold

… me …

as tightly as I hold

… yOu …

sleep soon will come to

… me …

my heart will always belong to

… yOu …

ยฉchellesrawthoughts

โœ”๏ธ LIKE my FB page Finding your best friend and beyond that’s in honor of my guy and what we have that’s so amazing.

๐Ÿ‘ซ thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ‘ซ

hOw impOrtant iS a “sOuL cOnneCtiOn” in your relationship?

A sOuL cOnneCt is the glue that binds together yOur seX, yOur sOuL and yOur parTnerShip as a whOLe tOgeTher …

My eXcLuSive partnership is prOOf of thiS. This iS the beSt reLationShip I’ve ever had in my entire life and it was definitely worth waiting 52 years for!

True love doesn’t hurt

Beyond best friends, beyond soulmates and beyond true love is what my guy and I have … my best friend and beyond

BeLOw I deSCribe EXACTLY what it takes to have a suCCeSSful parTnerShip …

Read this very carefully and you BOTH have to be in sync with this or it won’t work …

what it takes to have that RARE and unique sOuL cOnneCtiOn that iS almost unbreakable:

*100% COMPLETE HONESTY with OPEN COMMUNICATION so as to keep your partner informed as to where your head is at. This way there is no room for either of y’all to be guessing what the other is thinking etc… Those TWO things are the FOUNDATION NEEDED to begin and maintain a successful partnership …

I think that so many couples DON’T have that foundation because it wasn’t based on a SOUL CONNECTION. Because I KNOW if it IS based on a SOUL CONNECT it has no other option but to work in making a relationship successful (My own exclusive partnership is proof) … Otherwise without the soul cOnneCt … Couples aren’t striving as a team to build their relationship …

After the CRUCIAL FOUNDATION of HONESTY and COMMUNICATION are laid and SET LIKE CONCRETEadd the mix of YOUR RELATIONSHIP SUPER POWER (sOuL cOnneCt) –

*** this sOuL cOnneCtiOn cannot be forced – if it isn’t already present in your relationship is probably not going to be there if you have to try to make it happen …

… then … you MUST have these ESSENTIAL attributes (in BOTH partners) for it to be SUCCESSFUL:

*100% TRUST (for yourself as well as for each other)

*RESPECT (means that each person values who the other is and understands the other person’s boundaries)

*LOYALTY (to yourself, each other, and to your reLatiOnShip)

*FAITHFULNESS (to each other FOR your reLatiOnShip)

*INDIVIDUALITY

*COMPROMISE

*KEEPING OPEN LINE OF COMMUNICATION (this is mentioned twice because it’s that important)

*COMMITMENT

*LISTENING to each other

*OPENNESS (your as well as your partner is open, undefended and willing to be vulnerable and open in a sexual manner)

*FORGIVENESS

*SHOW APPRECIATION

*EMOTIONAL SUPPORT for each other

***BE A RIDE OR DIE FOR EACH OTHER it’s crucial to have each other’s back in ANY situation. You have to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that “your partner has “got you”

*HUMOR

*THE MAGIC OF SMALL THINGS

*COMPASSION – The intention and capacity to relieve and transform suffering and lighten sorrows

*DEPENDABILITY

*AFFECTION

*EFFORTLESS – it should ALL come naturally

*ACCEPTANCE

*SELFLESSNESS

๐Ÿค” When ALL ATTRIBUTES ARE ADDED TO YOUR FIRM FOUNDATION OF HONESTY AND OPEN COMMUNICATION meaning they are SET firmly inside you and your partners sOuL (because your sOuL consists of your mind, your will and your emotions)

THAT IS HIGHLIGHTED TOGETHER – it’s completed with the RARE OCCURRENCE of instantaneous bonding of two souls causing a …

~ SOUL CONNECTION ~

๐Ÿ˜„ … then …

*add the bonus ingredient WHICH CAUSES the most AMAZING sex that you could dare dream of … therefore causing it all to โšกโšกโšกMAKE THE MOSTโšกโšกโšกUNBEATABLE โœŒ๏ธ ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ COMBINATION which creates an …

UNBREAKABLE BOND

similar to sOuL tieS the bibLe talks about

which makes for a โœŒ๏ธ ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ SUCCESSFUL PARTNERSHIP that would be ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE and EXTREMELY DIFFICULT for anyone outside the relationship to break through … for example someone can’t tempt your partner to cheat as easily because sOuL cOnneCt is almost unbreakable plus with this sOuL cOnneCtiOn you WILL NOT WANT TO OR THINK ABOUT BEING UNFAITHFUL … (Breaking the soulmate connection can be a very difficult process but it can be done if you set your mind, heart and soul to the task. The soulmate connection, and soulmate relationships, are formed from a very deep soul level connection with another human being.)

(These soulmate connections as they are formed and deepen over the time we spend with that soulmate become a part of us and part of our own soul so creating a termination to that bond can be a fairly painful process

(This soulmate connection as it is formed and deepen over the time that we spend with our soulmate … They become a part of us and part of our own soul so creating a termination to that bond can be a fairly painful process … read more here regarding sOuL tie diScOnneCtiOn … not having a sOuL cOnneCtiOn is how partners can succumb to temptation easily …)

This is what most reLatiOnShipS are miSSing … and the main reason cheating seems like an easy option … It’s not an easy option when your have all these qualities present as discussed here in this post

My opinion is that most couples in general will NOT have this RARE phenomenal relationship is because they aren’t willing to put forth the extreme effort in maintaining this on a daily basis. They want the outcome of …

what I’ve described to manifest in their relationship without going out of their comfort zone.

Learning about and VALUING what is important to each other will have the two of you creating your “perfect” world around your relationship.

Being up straight up front about your individual thoughts and feelings, along with the desired direction of the relationship – YOUR AGREEMENT OF THE DESIRED DIRECTION OF YOUR PARTNERSHIP IS CRITICAL – because that way one isn’t trying to change direction … because by NOT changing directions … your partner has the assurance you are respecting the boundaries they placed in front of you … This WILL ALLOW your relationship the freedom it craves to be happy and because your won’t be doubting your partner’s promise of NOT pushing you for something you may not be emotionally ready or able to give (for ex: if one of you has “caught feelings and the other hasn’t – and they do care deeply for you – be respectful and know they are giving you all they can – because IF the partner with feelings pushes for the relationship to be more of a commitment or whatever … that “pushing” will poison what trust is between the both you plus it breaks and tears down the bricks and will ultimately destroy the foundation built – and more than likely end it altogether.

On the other hand if you both keep to whatever agreement decided beforehand … The AMAZING freedom that comes – (freedom from knowing your partner is faithful and cares for you deeply, etc.) will allow you and your partner the opportunity to simultaneously explore yourselves and your relationship because your FIRM SET FOUNDATION AND BRICK STRUCTURE and highlighted with the sOuL cOnneCtiOn frees your relationship to grow as it was meant to be.

Comments are welcome and encouraged …

Like my fb page “FINDING YOUR BEST FRIEND AND BEYOND” they is dedicated to my guy and the unique bond we share …

๐Ÿ’“ Thank you for reading commenting and following ๐Ÿ’“

Agonizing fear ๐Ÿ˜ต

(This post that I created in February 2019 explains the insecurities I had early in my relationship with my bfab because of toxic relationships in my past. It also shows how my ADHD brain was going into overdrive and it also takes a look at how FEAR can paralyze you, emotionally and sometimes physically.)

Agonizing fear

Terror lashes out at me … paralyzing my entire body … numbness overwhelmes the deep parts of my soul … painful doubts stab through my heart …

Shaking …

trembling …

” … oh no, am I going to be abandoned, thrown away or chunked into emotional duress? …”

“No!

I cannot allow this again …”



Why?” kept going through my thoughts … “he is different and has a purpose in my life … he wouldn’t leave me” … my thoughts seemed to be mine … but not …


Braving myself for a painfuL emotional jaunt … which  continuously … scattered the shredded pieces of my heart ... floating through memories of before when my heart was young …   and how lethal people … raped my sOuL … time after time …


choking …



barely am I able to breathe … I would never make it … if he left … my thoughts were my own … still … but not …

” … I need you” …  my mind screams … roaring … inside my aching head …

… please don’t leave me isolated and hopelessly afraid …

“… I really do need you … it’s so beyond you causing my heart to race …”

anxious tingles …

… Coming at me from all over – SUDDENLY – the agonizing fear grips and hurts way deep down

in my gut …

“Why do I feel that something is wrong?”

” … please … I truly need you” ๐Ÿ’‹

… my very gut cries out …   AGONIZING … from deep within the darkness … that’s inside of me … while it turns into light … if only for a moment …

Wow … I really mattered enough … MIRACLE … you have shown me that I am  importantI matter … never would I dared to dream … I would feel again … this way …

I FINALLY found one true angel in this horrible world …  See how much you have truly blessed my hurting soul ever since that first night when we met …

… This is a true grown up beyond normal love, not a feeling ๐Ÿ˜ that I could have ever imagined … 

… Realization hits me …

My gut has always been right … why didn’t I trust that when my soul cries …  it was trying to alert me … I am ever so grateful …

“… Thank you I cried silently … You gave me back … Me …”

๐Ÿ’œ May 27, 2019 โ€ฆ “This poem was written before I totally understood what true Loyalty meant. I’d never received it before so I thought this man would leave me the same way all the others left me.  I was to discover that this man was cut from a totally different cloth than the rest. He showed me I mattered. 
He gave me the best and most amazing gift in this world.  Meeeeeee ๐Ÿ˜‡ Thank you to my guy … My bfab … My hero” ๐Ÿ˜

Like my fb page that is dedicated to my bfab (best friend and beyond)

Other posts inspired by my bfab ~

Where does the love go

A real man

Just maybe
Tears falling down
The imprint of you on my heart

Why

To scared to pray
๐Ÿ’œThank you for reading, commenting, and followingโค๏ธ

anXiety tries to rule … ๐Ÿ˜ต

On the verge … dangerous trepidation … agitates deep inside …

… anxiety tries to rule …

… daily struggles … monotonous … nothing seems to change …

… am I left all alone … in a … fog left by the world … passing me by … never giving me a thought – I’m just sitting alone in my little home …

… anxiety tries to rule …

I can sense happiness just beyond my reach … It’s weird – but I feel things and unlike others … I have those skills you can’t teach … ADHD management is not out of reach …

I’m kinda stuck where I am right now … emotionally, I mean … not in the worst or the best of moods … I just wish I knew how …

… anxiety tries to rule …

To do things in life like everyone else … like go to the store, drive to a friend’s, spend some time at a park just like I used to do … before …

I still have a ways to go – since that light bulb came on … seven months ago – give or take a month … I try not to get withdrawn … as I try to calm my mind with no meds … ADHD runs through my head … running amuck … ripping my brain to shreds …

… anxiety tries to rule …

Holding it together … for what I’m not sure … I’m kinda tired of having to act like I’m so strong … I’m not and when it comes to myself … I’m usually never wrong … ADHD usually won’t allow me to listen to even one song …
Minutes tick by … ever so slow and I get so anxious that feeling doesn’t want to leave … Then I don’t know what to do or where to go …

… anxiety tries to rule …

I try not to think about things, so I just get online … to write or to help someone just to take it all off my mind …

… anxiety tries to rule …

Fake friends around here are a dime a dozen … so transparent in their actions but they think they’re slick … but I can see right through the crap they’re trying so hard to hide … because they may be quick but they ain’t that quick …

In the challenging ADHD moments of anxiety times ten … Much to my chagrin … Scattered thoughts pounding down on me like a hard fast rain … Closing my eyes I try to escape – I was locked in this moment I that being said … I am just gonna have to deal with this pain … ADHD is never going to be tame …

I’ve come a very long way in my journey of seeking self awareness … Wisdom abounds more in my sOuL and beyond … than before and that is a rareness … It’s somewhat similar to a real “self bond” …

Bonding with yourself isn’t easy as you may think … You have to dig deep beyond your inner core … So it all comes together and gets in sync … consistency is the key just practice it more and more …

Overcoming mental disorders take a lot of mental work … some say they want the outcome – but that just means – they just don’t want to put in any hard work … They’d rather just make excuses and be stupid jerks …

Anxiety stunts you spiritually – preventing your emotional growth – causing them to not develop properly … It really sucks having anxiety and ADHD both …

Waiting to be formerly diagnosed … that is hard to do as an adult these days … all I want is help to be normal … ADHD is not just a phase …

… anxiety tries to rule …

I’m not defined by any mental health issues or disorder “thing” … I try to stay away from people in general … for the most part they try to get your ass in a sling …

I’m going to smoke a stick now it takes the edge off… I want to pay attention to my guy… laying next to me … so please don’t scoff … I’ll turn out the light and snuggle up nice and he will snuggle back with me right where I’m supposed to be …

… anxiety ain’t gonna rule …

… living with ADHD is definitely not very cool …

LIKE my fb page dealing with stigma related mental disorders, diseases and chronic illnesses …

๐Ÿ˜ต for ADHD support contact:

ADHD/NAMI National Alliance on Mental Illness

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom …”

๐Ÿ˜จ Thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ˜ฒ

remembering alone

In my world, I sit and I remember … long ago days – days that don’t even seem real to me now.

Was that me? I can’t picture me in that situation – Yes, that’s me. How did I ever live through that?

It feels like someone else lived that life, but no, it was me … I remember.

I’ve grown inside and past days no longer bring hurt, but they have brought self awareness, while showing me how much I’ve grown on the inside …

… as I remember …

… Forever … That’s what it felt like ~ like it took me forever, to grow inside and be at peace within my soul.

Older now, there’s so damn much I lost way back then – but after a while – it would take years – I gained myself in return, once I made the first step to search for myself and maybe one day soon, that will all balance out …

… future hope …

Sighing deeply, I know that everything happens for a reason. We may or may not know what that reason is but mark my words

… and trust this fact …

…there is a reason for everything we go through.

( … we go through challenges in life, not for ourselves but to help other people that may be in a situation we were once in …)

Remembering … I lost almost everything I had back then … Hopelessly younger and yet producing invalid resolutions –

Sadness always trying to overwhelm my soul, because you see … I’m now finally becoming me. The me I was always supposed to be! My babies don’t know me and know them I do not

– not yet –

We could start fresh – it’s possible and yes – I want them to know the me I just found – the me I am now – this really cool me, that should have always been around – for both of my kids …

I’m finally me ~ that means I’m free – free deep inside of me and that pain has a key – and that key would be – the key that would keep me quite safe from reprieve.

Looking back, I was just grateful then – for getting out with my sanity and my life. I seriously can’t see clearly who that person is – who lived with my name back then that loved her children so small in each of their tales however, different then!

Why does it have to be me that does without her heart? That’s what they are – my heart – People saw me wrong, they always did, so what did I ever do so bad that this LOSS would be my punishment? Living with the thought of losing them for real – was the closest thing to hell on earth that I ever did feel … and with folks whispering hatefully in secret, thinking I would not hear, as they died how sorry I was. Rumors exploded telling the tale – that I never loved those kids and became the favorite mantra and jeer! That was NOT THE CASE, no matter the scenario or what took place … I loved my children more than anything in this world – I screamed to them all, as I pleaded my case.

My actions proved to be the catalyst for haters to grasp, clutching the reins, stating to all that I was a complete disgrace.

smdh …

how I made it through doesn’t matter at all but more importantly was this – how did those two, especially my son, get through the pain of me being gone … and did he feel that I no longer cared? The knowledge inside that he may – crushes my spirit that is life, because my love for him … Knows no bounds …

That is what keeps me awake late at night – i would wonder with tears that are stuck in my throat – the pain his little heart carried around, with fear close by – why was his mom not here by his side?

I remember regretfully that those needed lessons I learned – had taken years to sink through to where my integrity lived – for them to be embedded and placed deep in my soul.

It took longer still, for me to believe and also trust that those lessons learned … Maybe could somehow fix – any mistakes that had come, mostly being born from my biggest conflicts.

the wait was quite long for me to accept, forgive then love, the me that belonged – that me belonged here instead of this me … through the maze that I did see ~ searching my way – as though I was blind, yet I prayed so hard so that it could just blow his little mind ..

… Still longer it took … For me to learn how to finally love the true me I had found – IDK how I lived, through the pain of losing my heart and the fear settling in … Once – not to long ago – I embraced the pain that was raw from thoughts of my kids – mainly my son – I begged God that he would not lose the love or the trust … He had just for me …

… tears slowly remembering the path of the pain – with vivid recollection of those long ago days – I would have sold my soul to evil if it would have brought him to live with me, but in that pit, inside of me, that was to deep it seems – may get the better of me. I felt in my heart with my gut saying how true – thinking to myself, how little I knew wondering maybe inside how I was feeling would be – pretty hard to face – yet still my tears fell, streaking it all but with precision and grace.

My baby … I needed to state would probably be better off without me. I knew he was way better off – without me. I’d forever been told what a bad parent I’d be, in the months and years before that – it was drilled in my head – I was no good and was trash. I was also informed I would never, not ever, amount to much …

Nobody knows my soul or my heart including my measure of pain – How much I cried for my son in the earliest days … I sensed within – I needed to pick myself up and never fall –
not ever again.

It may take me years, I eerily thought
Facing the fact, that I must go on – a self awareness search for me – the me I was supposed to have been then, indeed! Locating the space inside me – where forgiveness was just a central trait, yes I did see – where acceptance would rule saving me in part – Falling in love with the me – I would be for my two precious hearts. I could start my self journey right away –
I had to take these steps yet I wasn’t quite sure – but wherever it may lead – ever how long it may take – doesn’t matter unless my baby boy can see …
and what I for him, my very own son, doesn’t show most times – as we know because it’s hiding behind a great wall we both know. My wall keeps pain born out of guilt, overseeing and keeping it from sticking like filth …

“as my sOuL cries …”

while inside – I’m moving forward, so that there will not be one doubt – in my son’s fragile mind and also his heart – as life seems to know nothing – but rushing about. My journey unfolds – I’m in awe you see – the life flavors he catches with clarity – he can actually see …

… Me. The me I now show and in showing control and having never let go – this me is way more cherished, more than diamonds or gold! I was like a sponge, soaking in a hot steamy tub and … then I was seeing all I could see –

I had finally gained more than self control over sadness, depression and HIV – ADHD coming from the rear, diabetes 2 stands away from the others so near, also my eyes and I have been told – are legally blind – yet COPD laughs saying … Don’t forget mine! Those do not define anything that I am … As long as I can love, truly love me – there’s nothing else I care about except self love for myself …

UNCONDITIONALLY

Me loving me was the hardest thing – hardest thing I would ever do – I recalled that pain flowing heavily from my eyes … In loving the me that was causing this strife – I ached for those babies in that awful past space – to please forgive the me who just didn’t know … A person born with a dazed and crazy brain also having a mom that certainly kept me in pain. It was never about me, and the only way I could push through and survive – no matter what my baby was told … all I ever did – was cry inside – begging God for those kids to refrain, from turning ice cold …

Time … it’s a precious gift I know now … we can never replace it once it passes … it never comes back –

Always remember that and think twice – pray hard and remember to Whom you belong!

I’m at peace inside of the real me today, although I think back to those days filled with fear – I’m not that me, not anymore … but hints of misery and from being afraid – taught me bright brutal truths that I would never – again ignore

No – I would never ignore … No – not anymore …

I had to maintain control of my emotions no doubt, guilt was heavy with feelings and wanting to shout – I was grieving the loss of my son while he’s still around. No wonder I felt like I deserved abuse, that I would receive in future rounds . Once, just recently I’ve seen – how it feels to finally be free, from guilt and crushing pain slamming down on top of me. I struggle daily because of the fact that I need for my hero, my son is for him to see – and that is my heart, through all of the steps that I managed to take … moving toward loving myself – in spite of the hurt I held like a pro – the sweetest little boy who grew up in front of my eyes: from my small son who I hold treasured memories for … to the 19 year old

that has made me so proud

I once begged God to please let me live, just long enough for my kids to see – being open inside for my wishes indeed – knowing how my son is just like me – no matter what he may tell himself to believe. My actions have shown now recently – I want the real me to make him perceive and discern that I am finally the me I should be.

Please let him draw close and feel comfortable and see without putting pressure on any part of the scene … I want him to see in the past and just this once let my love be a giant force while earning his trust.

I realized I was grieving my son though he were still alive and the guilt that I housed would infect me instead. He would need to know, much later on, when he was grown wondering what he’d done wrong for me to be gone. He may wonder – Did she miss me and did she cry for me as I did for her?

God allow him to know – while no doubts would be shown – I’d done everything that was expected of me. I knew little that I was supposed do and that entire time he was separated from me … Through mistakes and past wrongs showing to all – my actions were saying one thing and I hid away the other, pressing through, despite being hated on times ten … God, please let my baby boy love me again.

I missed him greatly, with a pain he’d never know – could she keep herself from showing her indifference? She glowed …

with the thought that Kenno, in the days that will come – would be shown her heart – that missed him – her prayer was actively answered indeed – he was going to be blessed to unveil the big plea, that he’s facing his freedom that was overshadowing me!

Yes, every night for years long past, I would cry heavy tears with gut wrenching pain – slicing through to the midst speaking prayers for God to take my son’s hurt for it to never remain.
I cried when I would think of you – innocent and sweet – how blatantly uncool for his mom to forsake.

I’m writing this so my heart and actions be shown – to my baby boy who is super smart – while deep down he discerned his mom’s moves way back at the start – and knew instantly the love she held tightly for him – never left her feelings as long as baby boy was at peace, since he finally knew, all those years ago, mom was more frightened than me? She loved me no matter what her past actions would show? And it would appear that she was not cold blooded I knowI FINALLY see and discern just for me, that she truly – to the Moon and back – really loved me!

Memories come alive …

~ animated in my head ~

tears are streaking silently down my face … I’m focusing on impressions from long ago grace … and as I sit quietly – in my own little world, I remember this and a whole lot more …

I do know this – I know this for sure, since my son finally admitted to loving me more!

I remember …

that I hate … remembering …

… remembering alone …

;-(

… thankfully when this all took place – the deep thinking – awareness thoughts – were within God’s grace!

โค๏ธI’m referring to my son (or when I briefly mention my kids) when I talk about “my heart …”

๐Ÿ’™ Read “my SouL cries” (part one is the link) … a three part series to completely understand ME and what’s up!

๐Ÿ’œ Like my fb page that I created because I miss my babies!

โค๏ธ Thank you for reading, commenting, and following ๐Ÿ’š

…. 5 ways to wait positively, while hoping to be noticed in the writing world …

Waiting, as a writer, to get noticed or to land a writing position is painstakingly hard as well as slow, when your new and trying to make a name for yourself and having little or no experience under your belt. You just know that is your passion.

There is a lot of work that goes along with getting yourself “out there” for a company or someone in authority to see your writing passion and skills. You need to build a portfolio of writings and this takes time. That’s why I started my blog, that and I had hoped to learn how to make money with it as well.

You may apply for 1,000+ jobs and get nothing. You may get a few these I received,

… “Dear Melodie M, Thank you for your application regarding a freelance writing position. After further review of your credentials, we will not be moving forward with the hiring process at this time” … Blah, blah, blah …

All these things together will put you into a funk and there are five crucial ways that you can stay positive while you are waiting!!!

I get on a roll and write two or three blog posts and then nothing for over a week . Anyone else have this problem?

I’ve applied for at least thirty remote jobs in one day for every day these past two months. I’m determined and I’m not stopping until I land one.

However, it gets so crazy, once you have done this every single day for two months without stopping, it completely wears on your nerves. Applying, rewording your letters and bio, rewording your resume, creating numerous profiles on websites that employers go to when they are looking to hire writers, it gets old and making all those profiles and applying daily with no reply or only receiving refusals, doesn’t have a very positive effect on you, I know!

It’s work to remain positive and to keep that passion burning bright!

But you can’t give up, and here are some ways I try to stay positive through those dark times:

1) One way to wait is not to get mad at yourself if your not writing at the moment. Don’t beat yourself up about not publishing or starting a blog post. Just accept that and allow yourself to relax and do things you may not do when your at the top of your writing game. I know I love to play Words With Friends because it stimulates my mind yet relaxes it as well. Don’t feel guilty just enjoy it! Allowing yourself to just relax is a big deal, so do it!

2) If your like me and seeing double letters on a page, you seriously need to tear yourself away from anything having to do with writing and job seeking. Spending time with friends and family is a positive way to spend your waiting time. Go out to lunch, go get your nails done, go to park or hang at home. The world will not end if you take a couple of days off from writing and/or applying from writing jobs.

3) Do something you haven’t done before! Take a hike, visit a new place, try out some new intimate things with your partner or just take a nap! Doing something you normally don’t do will help you while your waiting and it won’t seem like tedious work when you return to it!

4) Help others while your waiting. This is a sure fire way to get your mind off YOU.

You can also continue this when your sending out resumes and writing your next blog post! Helping others ALWAYS helps us inside as well! It’s a win-win situation!

5) If writing is your passion, like it is mine, then take time while your waiting to mentally prepare for when you return writing. Maybe your getting tired of it, maybe it’s getting to be to much! Writing and sending out applications and tweaking your resume are perilous duties when your downcast. So pep yourself up, give yourself a pep talk. Remind yourself why you love to write in the first place! If your mentally prepared for this, then you can change your feelings and stop feeling so downcast about it!

Positive thinking is the basis of these tips.

It does work because it has worked for me in the past. It takes a lot of mind power and control but it CAN be done if your determined enough.

Those are my little ways of breaking through the drudgery while breaking into a writing career. It is not for the weak of heart that’s for sure!

Keep doing it until you get what you want!

๐Ÿ’™ Thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’œ

๐ŸŒผyou may feel broken, but you don’t need fixing!!!

I believe that my main problem, for all these years, has been thinking that I had to “fix myself” in order to live my life at peace within. That is an untrue statement.

Society as a whole feels that if we are going through something, we must need to be fixed. I don’t think I need to be fixed. Sure, I have had life’s issues that blew up in my face, causing me to make bad decisions or go down the wrong road, but I don’t feel that means that I need “to be fixed“!

So, I’ve been actively researching this subject all week and this is what I have learned. Society sees you as “broken” for example, if you are an addict or if you suffer from any one of several mental disorders, such as: ADHD, schizophrenia, pstd, bipolar, and depression or if you are a victim of domestic violence or suchlike. This is an ongoing list of situations that some suffer from and because of this society feels that an individual must be “broken” or just needing to “be fixed” because they allowed themselves to get caught up in those life issues. It’s ridiculous!

Itโ€™s easy to think of certain feelings or thoughts as bad for us and we naturally want to make them stop. We avoid them, we distract ourselves, and then we ultimately try to fix these โ€œbrokenโ€ parts of our lives.

These parts of us are NOT broken. In fact, I believe that not one of us is “broken“.

The problem is the thinking that we are “broken“. The issue is not the anxiety. Itโ€™s the intense struggle within that the anxiety creates that’s the problem. It’s our own desire to be free from this overwhelming emotion that causes us to feel trapped. All we want to do is just find some relief, and to make it STOP. This is not the way to make it go away, you are only causing yourself more problems than you need.

The key is to stop trying to fix it, stop trying to change it, stop allowing it to be an overwhelming problem. Instead, just try to be willing and sit with the feeling and accept it. By doing this, it will, in time, erase the anxiety.

How do I do this you may ask? It takes 30 days to make a habit, and it also takes 30 days to break a habit. Your mind automatically allows anxiety take over out of habit. When your on purpose managing it as I describe below, you will be on the road to breaking that habit. After 30 days of practicing this technique, every single time the anxiety crops up, it will be more automatic for you to push through it easier in your mind.

It is really simple, yet it is not an easy thing to do. This takes an amazing amount of mind power and control to accomplish. However, it CAN be done!

It totally depends on how much you want to change this wrong thought process that leads to the anxiety overtaking your life.

I know this because I, myself, have gone through this process. Nobody told me this, I learned it entirely on my own. This is not for the weak of heart.

You have to accept this overwhelming anxiety for what it is. Worrying, trying to fix problems that cause your anxiety, or ignoring it WILL NOT help or alleviate it. Only attacking and facing it head on with acceptance will calm your mind, so that you are able to focus on solutions to the problems that caused you to allow the ANXIETY to control in the first place.

You have to ON PURPOSE put those devastating emotions to the side in your mind. You tell yourself that these emotions are not helping you and are only making those emotions climax in your mind. This must be done every single time it happens, otherwise it won’t stick.

Put your mind where it needs to be, not where it wants to go.

Anxiety can paralyze your entire body and mind so they cannot function. I have been bombarded with anxiety my entire life because I live with ADHD unmedicated. Whatever disorder you have, it will not stop you from achieving this, simply because you suffer from it. You can push past your disorder. This process works and you CAN do this!

So instead of spending hundreds on therapy for this issue, decide to conquer this demon head on, and in time the anxiety will diminish, allowing you to go forth, more confident in your life and in the decisions you make.

As I’ve stressed to you, this is not for the weak minded or weak of heart, because the mind power it takes from the beginning, is an extremely difficult thing to do. You have to take every once of strength you can muster, just to do this because at first it will happen SEVERAL times a day. It will get tiring but it’s either spend your time in the solution or spending time being miserable and causing yourself unwanted bouts of anxiety. Your choice!

Bit by bit, facing this issue head on will slowly but surely stop your problem with anxiety. By conquering these unwanted emotions, you will experience an intense sense of freedom that you have ever known!

Like my fb page Stop hating what you don’t understand

for support from stigma related diseases and emotional and mental disorders.

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โค๏ธ Thanxxx for reading โค๏ธ

Sleepless in Texas โœŒ๏ธ

I’m undiagnosed and untreated with adult ADHD and it’s progression has worsened, especially within the past three to six months. I don’t know why. I’m just familiar with my body emotionally and physically, and both areas are freaking out more than ever.

I’ve silently suffered from ADHD my entire life. There were some times that were worse than others; however, recently has been the worse time of all.

I think to myself, “Yay, in my early golden years I get to put up with this craziness magnified. I’m so scattered and I know that people can see the crazy old lady I am perceived to be. Great, I think to myself. Perfect.

I know others are sick to death of hearing me complain about my undiagnosed state as well as being untreated. They have been sweet not to say anything, but “I’m afraid they may leave if I keep it up, like all the others in my past”. Paralyzing thoughts. Yay ๐Ÿ‘Œ thank you ADHD. Your thoughts will lie to you. It suxxx.

I have a very small circle including my landlady (who is a very good friend), my BFWB, and my platonic male friend Kenny. That’s about it. I have a very small circle. Less drama and less people judging me, and less people to screw me over. I’ve had my fill of those types in my life, no more for me

I know people would think I was mental if I were to go out in public. I have let myself go physically and I’m ashamed.

I mistakingly thought I could overcome it with mind over matter but boy, was I totally wrong. I used to be so pretty now I feel like a troll ๐Ÿ™„

My sleep patterns are non- existent and wacky, for lack of a better word.

I do have my crazy moments though, real talk! Focusing only through writing and the lessons learned about my mistakes in life.

The fact that I can’t control a lot of this scares me but what can I do? Nothing, but move forward the best I can, praying for the day I can afford to see a clinic or Doctor that will treat me.

Long story short, my clinic is a sliding scale government funded clinic and they told me they didn’t prescribe stimulants nor did they have funding to test for ADHD.

I could bear and handle the symptoms, for the most part, until three to six months ago. They became worse and almost unbearable. I’ve struggled big-time ever since as if it were brand new to me.

I’ve worked harder on this blog site and content than I ever have with anything else! There is an almost explosive drive behind me, keeping me going with little sleep for days. I’m exhausted, excited, scared, anxious and distant all in one. But I keep plodding along until my battery runs out altogether.

Conquering my addiction was easier than dealing with this, I believe.

The ADHD explains the addiction, because I was addicted to cocaine. A stimulant (ADHD is treated with synthetic methamphetamine – which is a simulant as well) and I was unconsciously self medicating I’m sure in hopes of feeling “normal”.

Cocaine does not treat ADHD to any real degree. (maybe take the edge off and numb your emotions so you don’t feel the effects of ADHD symptoms) That’s why I felt little relief while getting hooked in the process. I’ve been clean over five years. That was only after five horrible relapses but I was not one to give up, so I kept trying to stop and finally I did.

I need relief and soon from this emotional hell.

Tomorrow is another day in which I really need to clean my house. Another one of ADHDs symptoms at work. These emotions can paralyze you into not being able to do anything. Sometimes, I can push through that and other times I simply cannot.

I was blessed to have RAW determination that has gotten me through my weakest points. I never know how I’m going to make it, but somehow I just do.

I’m grateful today for the revelations in my personal growth, but I need a break to rest.

LIKE my Facebook page for help and info for living with ADHD and other stigma related diseases, disorders and lifestyles: https://www.facebook.com/stopandkillthestigma/

Caught between struggling and serenity

I’m in a place that is serene mixed with disarray. I wonder if anyone else understands what I mean by that?

I am I’m the process of learning a lot about myself for the first time in my life and it’s an incredible experience, I must say! It’s scary yet it is very surreal as well.

I’m dealing with a few health issues at the moment.ย  Adult ADHD which is undiagnosed and untreated, diabetes 2, COPD, and that’s it for now. I’m also in the process of quitting smoking. I’ve got a lot going on and the progression of the ADHD had gotten worse over the last few months and it’s been very difficult to live with.

I’m not very old and in my mind I’m very young but I suppose in the general scheme of things, I’m aging but I know where it counts, I won’t ever grow up, thankfully! I try daily to be positive and focus on helping myself and others.

Life is full of surprises that’s for sure and if your not paying close attention you may miss the lessons you are supposed to learn. I know I missed a lot in my life I was supposed to learn because I wasn’t listening. I’m just thankful that I learned any lessons at all. I was a late learner, but at least I didn’t quit until I learned and gained wisdom. My best friend and guy helps me a lot and I suppose I’m too dependent on him but he handles me like a champ.

So, this crossroads is a weird place to get in life but I can feel it’s very necessary in order to move forward. I’m just reaping what I had sown in the past. Bad decisions can ruin your life.

Is this something I can bounce back from? I wonder this deeply inside, God, I hope so because I have the faith inside that I can. I don’t know where it comes from but it is always there. Not allowing me to quit.

I’m apprehensive now because I know I’m very fragile emotionally.ย  I’m good in general; however, I just need to be aware of that fact and be gentle with myself. (We tend the be hard on ourselves and that could keep us from moving forward in and itself, so watch how you treat yourself. Others abuse us, please don’t abuse yourself too).ย  I will have too get through this, somehow.

Sheer determination grips my heart โค๏ธ showing me that it is in control. I can’t sleep but I can write and focus on answering questions on QUORA and promoting my blog in hopes to make money soon with it.ย  I’m driven, hard, even in the throes of insomnia.ย  It helps me to help others when I’m feeling this way.ย  It drives me, yet I’m exhausted to my bones.

There must be no other option, I must survive this. I’ve never quit before I won’t start now.

I tell myself it will all be okay and this to shall pass โœŒ๏ธ now I have too believe it.

*Look for my Facebook pages that focus on the STIGMA of living with ADHD and addictions and recovery as well. https://www.facebook.com/stopandkillthestigma/
https://www.facebook.com/steppingintorecoverywithJesus/

Would TRUE LOVE allow you to cheat?



Here is a story about one of my many surfs through quora.com. I like helping people who I look for issues I’m qualified (from life experiences) to address.




My RAW thoughts today are about cheating. As I coasted through quora.com earlier, I answered a couple questions about cheating so I thought I would see what your RAW thoughts were about this sensitive yet emotionally harmful subject well as share myself RAW thoughts with you!ย 

Cheating confirms that pure love does not exist in the mind or heart of its enforcer.
Sorry but I’m just being for real.

This revelation has burst open me from the inside out of my core on one thing God has intended me to learn from this difficult road i allowed life to put me on.

โญThe lesson here is too be genuine and respectful worth your partner.ย  Leave before you cheat, try watering your own grass at home and keep it rich and happy.ย  “My partner doesn’t give me what I need sexually” is the most common reason for cheating. Well you know what? What you do is make him/her naughty and felt intriguing by you. There are plenty of sites for tools that will do just that. Try http://www.badgirlsbible.com for tips from AMAZING foreplay, massages, blow jobs, what excites men and women, ideas for hotter sex.
If this doesn’t work then I suggest you get out of the relationship.

You should not have to “try” anyway, because I feel that if it is true love, then it will come naturally. It’s just that simple!

Knowing what true love really makes you feel inside it is no longer a mystery to me. It’s a reality that God blessed me with to take me higher on the journey yet to be.




If you were ever in TRUE LOVE with someone would you be able to bring yourself too cheat on them? Honesty please. Why? Because it is too serious to play games with someone’s heart.

I feel that only people that have experienced pure true love can really answer but i welcome all answers from everyone. If you have you think about whether or not you have experienced this rare feeling then chances are no, you have not.ย  Your probably experiencing lust.ย  That won’t last and you will get hurt, promise.

I have been blessed enough to have experienced true love in my young golden years. The knowledge of what I found was mind blowing because the love in is pure form is so beyond the love we know.

โค๏ธ It was worth the wait believe me. My answer is a definite NO I could NEVER BRING myself to cheat on someone that has brought out the pure love in me, sexually and otherwise..

How do I know, well explanations are futile but it’s because I just know.

๐Ÿ’œ I also know I never experienced it in the past years until I was in my sweet fifties. That was clear to me in retrospect of this AMAZING journey.

I wasn’t even looking for an exclusive partner when I was found by him.ย  I was too far gone in my own meager existence, weighed down by my bad choices in life.

Experiencing my own karma and rightly so.ย ย  It’s important to own your wrongs and learn from them what you were created to learn.
With him just being himself, he made me realize my worth because I was too whipped by life in exhaustion to see it on my own.ย  I mattered and I needed to know that.ย  I mattered. How could I matter because I was a worthless person in my own eyes and I’m sure others as well. Wasn’t that obvious in my bad decisions I made? Or was I just going crazy?
I was about to see why.

I believed in the magic of love as a young girl but how miraculous was it that it was live and up close and personal with me in real life.

This is the way it was intended too be.ย  If people realized this in it’s depth, they would not play games in it’s name.ย  Wow โญ
The grass is NEVER GREENER than your own lawn that you keep fertilized and watered. Remember that!

True love CANNOT cheat! It has so much more of a deeper meaning than anyone can comprehend.


What are YOUR RAW THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS?

***sometimes the problem with agreeing to this would be to admit that you were wrong all the times before in your desperate tries of “love” in your past.ย  They seem childish in comparison since you now see clarity.ย  Some are too weak minded to deal with that reality.

This person may be intended to be my forever BFWB or he may not but what the lesson here was: True love DOES exist in it’s purest form if you open yourself up to experience it.


Now I can stand on my own a bit more than I could before.ย  It’s crazy of how fragile I was when he met me. He had been so patient through it all, I’m very blessed.

He had remolded me back to a state that I felt whole again.ย Life had shredded me into millions of pieces, strong yet so vulnerable. But Iย  mattered enough to put those pieces back together.
I didn’t know that I mattered before that day.
โค๏ธ That is true love โค๏ธ