bitCh watCh ouT fOr me …

Why are you attacking me … because you have no damn right … we are aquaintances at best and just to run your mouth about me when you have no fukkkin clue … I just want you outta my FUKKKIN sight …

When I tell you that your fukkkin with the wrong bitch … That’s an understatement you better heed my words … Because I’m not the one baby girl to mess with like that … you ain’t gonna know but I’m sure you’ve already heard …

Women like you give females a bad name … I will fukkk your world, make you cry and call you out … You have never seen the likes of me and won’t ever see any the same …

You think your cute with your ugly looking ass … I shake my head and laugh out loud because haters are jealous … Wanting to be me instead … smmfh (shaking my MF head) ๐Ÿค”

My name best not flow from your mouth not once more … It’s not a threat it’s a fukkkin promise … I’m not afraid of anyone at all … I have survived bigger and badder than you … you and your life are insignificant and you are regarded as small …

You don’t want this bitch inside me unleashed … bet that little girl … I’m not the type for drama or fake ass hoes … No because do or die … I’m gonna live in peace …

It’s time to pray for your emotional well being and your pride … Don’t play dumb it doesn’t suit your look … You started this deciding it was best to talk about me … your stupidity amplified …

Watch over your shoulder … underestimate me if you choose … Better not let your guard drop … I’m giving you the clues …

To stay away from me and my name and my life … don’t think I won’t cut you with a knife … all of that needs to be away from your lips … Pray hard little girl because I’m old school hood … It’s gonna be a MF trip …

Haters like you make me STRONG … around town your character has been shadowy and wrong … IDC if you like me or not … but bitch when I come for you … imma take away your pride and what little sanity you got …

No threats it’s just true … I knew your true colors would eventually come out … Females like you are a dime a dozen bet that … Now little girl is your time to pout …

I’m damn sure not afraid … even at my age … to fight you like a man … and now I see why you got beat up … you don’t want to Fukkk with me during my rage … bet that – wassup …

Watch for me little girl … I know how to play the violin with my hand … You may need a serenade one night … while you see me circling… causing you to hurl as you sink into the quicksand ….

Beware I’m just fukkkin crazy enough … to fukkk your world and I’m not gonna stop … I’m old school so you will never see … any damn thing that would make me scared, so come on now chop … chop …

Bye bye bitch because … your stupidity shows along with your fakeness … What did you expect when all I heard you can do is call the fukkkin laws … I’m cool like that … bringing it to your awareness …

You are trite, stupid and just plain mean, talking about me and I’m sure everyone else … Your say your guy hits you and I now see why … Be concerned with your own overgrown fat funky ass look … it don’t a genius to see that you’re an addict and you’re hooked …

Bye bye bye I’m feeling better than I was … Bitches like you ain’t nothing to me … and that is just because … You ain’t right YET damn I’m free!!!

ยฉchellesrawthoughts

summary

This written after a hater told someone crap about me … When she doesn’t have a clue about me does not know me … because if they tell one person fake crap about you they will tell another the same … She’s disrespectful, weak, cowardly and gonna be bait because I’m gonna take her down it’s in her fate …
๐Ÿ’Thank you for reading commenting and following๐Ÿ™Œ
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Perpetual madness of the mind

I feel lost …

Alone…terribly alone …

Fighting back is getting old …

I’m ready for someone to take my hand, telling me I’m not alone. Tears drop silently down onto the chilly, dark night ground.

I’m so cold inside my soul, shivering through to my bones. I try to concentrate in hopes this apprehension calms down inside. It’s not a physical cold, it’s from the inside out.

Shaky inside from my head to the tips of my toes, my feet, sludging along, as if in quicksand, my brain hurts, throbbing into the secret parts of my very soul.

Heinous taunts come from the thoughts that aren’t mine, making this world seem unfeeling, not giving me any consolation. Making me stay in this miserable place. No matter how I fight, I cannot leave.

I’m not fully depressed, that’s the whole thing. This crazy disorder I’ve dealt with forever is the culprit and stress only magnifies the intensity of the anxiety, depression and ADHD blackness.

After this feeling leaves, I simply brush it off and go on. It lasts so long; however, I’m always grateful when it’s gone.

Feeling wrung out from the energy it takes to go through what I’ve described above.

I’m just pleased it’s over, for now anyway, but knowing it will return again soon enough …

I cringe …

I can handle the hyper moments because I’m at my most creative during those exuberant times.

I won’t sleep for days at a time and I write, write, write my little heart out.

It’s almost like I’m on drugs, it’s euphoric almost! I almost don’t want meds for it because of these “high” times.

No, it’s these moments as I related above, that pitches me straight into the pit of hell. The hopeless, dark, cold and lonely world.

The stronghold is real and harrowing, nevertheless you will feel as if it will never end …

… infinity.

I can certainly see how some want to die to get out, yet my soul would never let me take myself away.

It will last as long as “it” decides and I’m stuck, riding those crashing waves. Holding on for dear life, as they beat me down, struggling to keep my thoughts mine.

Slowly it happens, and when it’s over, I go back to ordinary things but I know before long, I will be transported back to the blackness.

God does, thankfully, look out for me during these nosedives into hell, otherwise I know I would never be released.

ยฉchellesRAWthoughts

โค๏ธโ€œADHD depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the doorโ€

๐Ÿ’œ LIKE my Facebook page that focuses on stigma related disorders, illnesses and diseases.

โญ For help with ADHD depression click this link and they will help you find help with ADHD mental illness in your area.

โญ Click here to take the test to see if you are suffering from ADULT ADHD.

๐Ÿ’™ thank you for reading, commenting, and following ๐Ÿ’š

๐ŸŽธ rOCk candy QUEEN

FOREWORD: This poem gives you a unique insight straight into a crack/cocaine addicts sOuL (your sOuL iS made up of your mind, your will, and your emotions) and the most intense death grip hold that this evil drug has on them. Also, what level of mental power that it takes you inside to be completely free from

crack/cocaine as well as showing you what it takes to become a SURVIVOR OF ADDICTION

๐ŸŽธrOCk candy QUEEN

Years ago my thoughts go back to that horrific time where she was fun to hang out with … that evil cousin to the white ladyshe knew how to make you feel good and keep you intrigued โ€ฆ

… IN THE BEGINNING …

… yet … you kept going back for more and more โ€ฆ not realizing she was completely out of your league …

โ€ฆ she became more fierce with her touch as time moved on โ€“ she revealed no heart and no soul to no one … it was considered quite the phenomenon …

know this …

she can turn your heart away from your own self because she does not play, because she gains … as well as turning your loved ones away and she will not stop until your soul is in chains …

clutching you tight … knowing you canโ€™t break free โ€ฆ you’re stuck outright โ€ฆ in bondage to the queen of rOCk CanDy โ€“ the evil cousin to the white lady indeed โ€ฆ

You will find her dancing with the demons of addiction, heartbreak and pain โ€“ they know you will eventually give in to their strong demands once again โ€“ while you falsely think that they accept you โ€“ yet really they do not โ€“

… thatโ€™s just get you hooked so they are able to harass you relentlessly โ€“ down that vile path that you tried so hard to adopt … because by then โ€“ they are laughing at you โ€“ watching you – as you realize in horror โ€“

THAT YOU’RE UNABLE TO STOP โ€ฆ

Like a robot and a puppet you move to her beat โ€ฆ like a good master โ€“ she pulls easy then real hard on your puppet strings โ€“ pushing your soul … while you chase that next hit โ€“ as she heartlessly brings โ€“ you way down โ€“ to hell’s fiery pit …

… Teasing you mercilessly โ€“ is one of her many sick treats โ€ฆ just as the hit that you raced for โ€ฆ finally connects inside your brain โ€ฆ causing you to feel such a major relief โ€“ you feel it straight down to your core – making you feel like you will never hurt again forever more …

… yet …

… you’re still wanting more and more and still yet more โ€“ until she senses your fear, forcing even the devil himself to scream โ€ฆ โ€œgo on you’re worthless – just get the hell outta hereโ€

… then sadly, as you cower down โ€“ what does all of this prove โ€“ your wondering because you’re still โ€“

… in the COCAINE mood …

โ€ฆ knowing full well โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ itโ€™s not enough โ€“ itโ€™s never enough anymore โ€ฆ your always miserable, sick, scared, depressed, strung out and dazed …

… and you just can’t stop …

… because when you think about that cloud of white smoke just passing you by โ€ฆ your body constricts in pain, your brain aches and โ€ฆ with a brutal force thatโ€™s dragging you down once again – your body and mind is strained …

… you sink way lower than you ever wanted to go โ€“ to stare straight at the queen of rOCk CanDy โ€“ whose waiting for you to pay what she thinks you owe …

โ€ฆ and rOCk CanDy will have no problem โ€“ numbing your emotions and your mind โ€ฆ so you arenโ€™t clear enough to make any decisions at all โ€ฆ itโ€™s no wonder that sheโ€™s more than just a tiny bit surprised …

โ€ฆ when you actually take a stand …

against her and once she senses your newfound strength โ€“ she then squeezeโ€™s your sOuL so hard you canโ€™t breathe โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ sheโ€™s holding you snug โ€“ in her cold yet intriguing hand โ€ฆ

โ€œDo you think you can play with meโ€ โ€ฆ she laughs at you instead โ€ฆ

she also whispers in your ear telling you what you want to hear โ€ฆ just to keep you disheveled and mislead …

โ€ฆ and once she has your emotions shredded and your mind feel quite lost โ€ฆ you are once again locked away deep inside – while your sOuL pays the cost …

… you tell yourself how stupid it was to let that white bit*h โ€“ so damn deep in your mind โ€ฆ you had no clue that was going to be your hardest damn uphill climb …

She will fight you like a man, ultimately kicking your ass โ€“ so it may seem โ€“ but you NEVER GIVE UP and you show this queen … you don’t back down from this white cu*t โ€“ the infamous and lethal โ€ฆ

… the eviL … the rOCk CanDy queen โ€ฆ

… If you keep fighting and DO NOT stop …

โ€“ she WILL have no choice but to weaken her grasp and then you can quickly run away and …

… then โ€ฆ gradually โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ one day she will stop chasing you and realize that your not worth her time, so she will find another weak sOuL โ€“ to commit her hellish crimes.

she will take them by the hand and lead them along that same horrific path … that leads straight to the nightmare place โ€“ right to the front door and straight into hell โ€“ introducing them to the evil cousin to the white lady โ€“ the queen of the rOCk CanDy jaiL โ€ฆ

… during this release โ€ฆ you may fall and stumble around โ€“ fall off cliffs and possibly drown โ€“ in the turbulent waters racing away โ€“ sheโ€™s known to come looking … so fall to your knees and pray …

… that relapse will miss the mark then she won’t be able to locate you in the dark …

… especially with her tempting you … make sure you do not betray but just in case you slip from the path of complete abstinence – just get back up … put yourself back on the road โ€ฆ

and stay …

โ€ฆ donโ€™t get discouraged โ€“ pick yourself up and dust off those stains โ€“ that the queen of rOCk CanDy forcibly made โ€ฆ strive once more until you get it right โ€ฆ donโ€™t ever allow taunts and hurtful words make you give up without a fight โ€ฆ

Relapse just means you wonโ€™t stop striving to quit โ€ฆ itโ€™s tough and unfriendly โ€ฆ remember she isnโ€™t going to give up on you โ€ฆ not one bit …

… so โ€ฆ

Donโ€™t allow anyone to bring you down with rumors or snobby looks โ€“ they donโ€™t have a clue … as to what heLL you have been through โ€“ with this evil cousin to the white lady โ€ฆ who is the rOCk CanDy queen โ€ฆ realize that if you aLLow hershe will keep hounding you as if y’all were still a team …

… ultimately

โ€ฆ she has a diabolical plan to KILL you …

โ€ฆ dark depression โ€ฆ

… hateful voices whisper in the wind โ€ฆ evil beings that harass you โ€ฆ they are not your damn friend โ€“ beware of your mental health taking a turn โ€ฆ she will scratch you and then bite you – seemingly diminishing you โ€“ before you can learn โ€ฆ that this rOCk CanDy queen is a bitCh that stands firm โ€ฆ

her job is to jumble your thoughts and make you see through a blurry haze โ€“ your vision and mind so distorted that any decision you make will for sure be crazed …

addiCtiOn is only a symptom that masks the underlying root cause โ€ฆ You need to gather all your strength and please take a much needed pause …

… and …

โ€ฆ you stop being so nice to her โ€ฆ

“STOP LISTENING TO THAT BIT*H โ€ฆ GET MAD and with all your strength โ€ฆ face your fear and stand up in her face โ€ฆ as you recall all the things she lied about throughout the past several yearsโ€ฆ taunting you with your fears while teLLing you that you’re a disgrace … remember you almost lost your life behind her evil lies โ€ฆ stop listening to her before you die” …

… let that rOCk CanDy bit*h hear you as you scream at her that โ€œSHEโ€™S JUST THE DEVIL IN DISGUISEโ€ โ€ฆ you tell her off and curse her out โ€“ “JUST REMEMBER WHO THA FU*K YOU ARE” โ€ฆ and do yourself a favor by taking a brand new route …

… that leads away from the door โ€“ at the entrance of hell โ€“ in the opposite direction that will allow you to prevaiL โ€“

previously – way before that white bitch stole our dream โ€ฆ I told myself I couldn’t smoke that rOCk … little did I know that years later her and I would become quite the team …

โ€ฆ no matter what – keep holding your head up high โ€“ keep moving forward โ€“ find that deep down determination โ€“ find out how you can love yourself more โ€“ more especially through โ€“ the many dark dreary days โ€ฆ that may certainly overcome you โ€ฆ because, trust me she will be keeping score …

โ€ฆ and guess what? โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ one day the harrowing relapses will halt โ€“ she soon will realize that sheโ€™s FINALLY locked in the past โ€ฆ donโ€™t let her define you โ€“ remember too that people will talk, scorn and laugh โ€ฆ

… but just you hold fast to your dream and remember the pain when she took away all those many years putting on you ALL of the blame …

… “STOP … KEEP GOING” โ€“ you’re doing just fine โ€ฆ give yourself a smile because once and for all you take charge of the main design โ€ฆ finaLLy you managed to beat that damn queen โ€“ the cousin to the evil white lady who still is

โ€ฆ the rOCk CanDy queen โ€ฆ

Keep striving, sweating, straining while you also remember that rOCk CanDy jaiL โ€ฆ

Itโ€™s been a bittersweet journey after turning away from the front door of hell …

โ€ฆ If you are an addict โ€“ using ANY drug thatโ€™s taken over your life โ€“

… REACH OUT because I want you to know this: I saw a level of addiction that most hard core addicts donโ€™t see and they donโ€™t know exist โ€“

… you DO NOT want to be there because the only way out โ€ฆ IF YOU STAY IN DEFEAT โ€ฆ is going to be a horribly long life behind bars or worse โ€“ Death is waiting to take you to the front door that leads into hell so you can hang out with the the queen and the devil himself โ€ฆ

… you are NOT โ€“ trust me โ€“ your not ready for that โ€ฆ not when it means staying in the rOCk CanDy jaiL …

ยฉchellesrawthoughts

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

โญ if you or someone you care about is a crack cocaine addict – or hooked on ANY drug – this link to help for alcohol and drug addiction will help you find the help you need in your area.

๐Ÿšฅ read about crack/cocaine addicts – these are their stories .. get help!

โญ Like my Facebook page about addiction for support!

๐Ÿ’ซ thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’ซ

๐Ÿ’” mommy dearest ๐Ÿ’”

๐Ÿ’” revised post from mother’s day this year ๐Ÿ’”

I couldn’t believe it … when I was first told … the person that raised me was for real is a petty mean troll … She was hateful indeed and there was no doubt … that loathing she did went beyond way up and out … Yet my being raised so out of control … it was the devil from hell that wanted my soul …

Once I knew that she loved to hurt me … she sure did that that to me a lot indeed … On purpose was her pain … aimed directly at my brain … where it was disordered yet sane … although crazy causing anxiety in my brain …

For years, I made it my mission that I’d find a way to please … the evil monster she was … while up to appease … The orders she tried to succumb … yet instead she managed to regain control over some …

She blamed me for several … of covered up wrongs … my disorder playing like an old song … with her look of disgust … that quickly became a must … to settle on down … to calm my fears while coveting my trust …

She hated on me … for many years more…. while telling me I was never going to be any good … that I was brainless and dumb … I was told time and again … I knew better and when … I disagreed with her … it was much to her chagrin …

Feeling ashamed that I was being stupid all over again … I had no real guidance that gave me a start … with me … grasping for instructions on the minute details of her black heart …

Through the cloudy ADHD haze … disordered and dazed … feeling the hatred from her arrive … for her it’s just in due time … realizing then that she must … not love me … while claiming that I was the one that was acting real bad … yes that had to be me …

I’d feel so bad that I couldn’t be good … this evil woman I’d begun to hate … while I realized that I would never be understood … her knowing that goodness … freely flowed out of me … that depressing blanket of black … hovered above me … while covering up the unimpeachable … just step back, wait and see …

Paralyzing taunts from the evil in her …. that plagued my thoughts … I certainly was not any old amatuer … ONLY WANTING HER TO LOVE ME … all that now thank God is a blur … Yet all I could do then … is pray that everything was going to be okay …

She turned my sweet … my baby girl … into a mini little “she” … told her fake news all about me … making me want to flee … these roads while just leaving all this be …

I was slipping away into that cold dark pit – that was harrowing, scary and warm not a bit … why do I always get accused of being an irritating brat …

… the fact that I’m really smart … isn’t very well known and she lied to me … which definitely did set the pace … it’s set in stone and unfortunately for me … I fell in disgrace and her presence followed me … lurking all around the place …

she was always telling more lies about me … unforgettable yet still absurd … now as I look back on those shameful days thankfully those days of old … I often never ever heard … the apologies resounding from her frosty cold soul …

she’s never going to accept me, ever I thought … that I’d never make it back from all of the dark words and shameful taunts …

the evil clinging inside of her brain – is way hotter than hell … I would never be the same … so much confusing chaos … all around her while silently praying but to no avail … she’d go head first … crashing through my many mistakes … while holding them all not just one … over me with no brakes …

I don’t feel guilty or anything bad … because I’m free to hate her now … for any unpleasantness that narcissists spread … The guilt as the scapegoat almost suffocated me many years ago … from the lies, calling names and with references that I’d been born from down below …

throughout each night … from daylight to dark … I’d been brought down real low … I should’ve fallen apart …

I craved for her to acknowledge me … for her to be proud … knowing it was doubtful at best .. yet somehow I was meant to believe … there has to be some good in everyone …

narcissists don’t have one ounce of good … so now I no longer care if she acknowledged me back then or not … I was completely blown over when shown what she was … that day not very easily forgot …

I learned the hard way that she would never feel love for me or for you … while strolling along in life … Hopelessly … she’d groan causing so much strife … and with pain coming down … directly aimed at my soul … I wasn’t about to let anyone know …

I’m finally free ever since I’ve known what label she supports … masking emotions and things of that sort …

Manipulators and controllers stay busy all about … I tried so long to be a real good girl … there should be no doubt …

I feel as if in a bind of chaos inside foggy clouds … I was unable to verbalize my feelings out loud … being locked in my own little world every day … so so quiet … still sensing her hate unmasking when she’d fake a smile at me ..

I was finally released … from her diabolical mind … my memories from then are ultimately at peace … I would no longer wish for her to be kind …

I rode out the hard pain … that hovered … barely … above me … while having thoughts that I feared that mostly involved you as well as me …

I am finally at the point in my life … I no longer have feelings … not for nor about her … and I no longer tolerate any damn strife … I am at peace inside knowing my worth “as it were” …

๐Ÿ’” if you or someone you know is a daughter of a narcissistic mother ๐Ÿ’” reach out to them … they need someone to understand them and the depth of their immense emotional pain … because they believe everything is their fault … ๐Ÿ’” when it’s not …
๐Ÿ’” here are some informative and helpful links ๐Ÿ’”

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: A Bond Made of Selfishness and Coldness

Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers

The Incredible Healing Power of Reddit’s ‘RaisedbyNarcissists’ Support Group

Do You Have A Narcissistic Mother?

8 Common, Long-Lasting Effects of Narcissistic Parenting

What happens when you live in the shadow of a narcissistic parent?

The Invisible War Zone: 5 Ways Children Of Narcissistic Parents Self-Destruct In Adulthood

๐Ÿ’” thank you for reading, following and
commenting ๐Ÿ’”

Agonizing fear ๐Ÿ˜ต

(This post that I created in February 2019 explains the insecurities I had early in my relationship with my bfab because of toxic relationships in my past. It also shows how my ADHD brain was going into overdrive and it also takes a look at how FEAR can paralyze you, emotionally and sometimes physically.)

Agonizing fear

Terror lashes out at me … paralyzing my entire body … numbness overwhelmes the deep parts of my soul … painful doubts stab through my heart …

Shaking …

trembling …

” … oh no, am I going to be abandoned, thrown away or chunked into emotional duress? …”

“No!

I cannot allow this again …”



Why?” kept going through my thoughts … “he is different and has a purpose in my life … he wouldn’t leave me” … my thoughts seemed to be mine … but not …


Braving myself for a painfuL emotional jaunt … which  continuously … scattered the shredded pieces of my heart ... floating through memories of before when my heart was young …   and how lethal people … raped my sOuL … time after time …


choking …



barely am I able to breathe … I would never make it … if he left … my thoughts were my own … still … but not …

” … I need you” …  my mind screams … roaring … inside my aching head …

… please don’t leave me isolated and hopelessly afraid …

“… I really do need you … it’s so beyond you causing my heart to race …”

anxious tingles …

… Coming at me from all over – SUDDENLY – the agonizing fear grips and hurts way deep down

in my gut …

“Why do I feel that something is wrong?”

” … please … I truly need you” ๐Ÿ’‹

… my very gut cries out …   AGONIZING … from deep within the darkness … that’s inside of me … while it turns into light … if only for a moment …

Wow … I really mattered enough … MIRACLE … you have shown me that I am  importantI matter … never would I dared to dream … I would feel again … this way …

I FINALLY found one true angel in this horrible world …  See how much you have truly blessed my hurting soul ever since that first night when we met …

… This is a true grown up beyond normal love, not a feeling ๐Ÿ˜ that I could have ever imagined … 

… Realization hits me …

My gut has always been right … why didn’t I trust that when my soul cries …  it was trying to alert me … I am ever so grateful …

“… Thank you I cried silently … You gave me back … Me …”

๐Ÿ’œ May 27, 2019 โ€ฆ “This poem was written before I totally understood what true Loyalty meant. I’d never received it before so I thought this man would leave me the same way all the others left me.  I was to discover that this man was cut from a totally different cloth than the rest. He showed me I mattered. 
He gave me the best and most amazing gift in this world.  Meeeeeee ๐Ÿ˜‡ Thank you to my guy … My bfab … My hero” ๐Ÿ˜

Like my fb page that is dedicated to my bfab (best friend and beyond)

Other posts inspired by my bfab ~

Where does the love go

A real man

Just maybe
Tears falling down
The imprint of you on my heart

Why

To scared to pray
๐Ÿ’œThank you for reading, commenting, and followingโค๏ธ

๐Ÿ’•Loving “yOu” iS CruCiaL

Have you ever wondered how to go about learning how to love yourself? Some people never give it a second thought, while others spend their whole lives trying to master this coveted skill. Mastering themselves in their own mind and in their own lives is the goal.

I spent my entire life not loving myself, until very recently. Understand though, I didn’t even realize this until right before I started this journey, which was approximately 8-9 months ago. I’m glad I didn’t realize this at the time when it was happening, because how miserable would that have made me?

Someone, who is now very close to me, is the one who showed me that I was worth receiving love. I never before thought I mattered enough. That was a thought that was deep down inside, that you don’t see when just looking at yourself from the outside. You got to look and dig deeper. It was through them showing me I mattered, that made me want to look and dig deeper, thus beginning my journey. It was then I saw that I’d never really loved myself at all.

On the outside, throughout my life, I thought I was loveable because I’m kind, empathetic, compassionate and thoughtful to others. So that’s why “it had to be my fault if someone didn’t love me, right”?

That was from years of negative thoughts about myself. I’m sure you have them to, huh? Only after being shown that I did matter, I realized I hadn’t ever loved ME. So, “why did I not love me?”, that was the question. I was going to find the answer, if it killed me.It was the least I could do for myself, after being so hard on myself for several years by thinking it was my fault for being unlovable. I was so cruel to myself and seeing that now frightens me that I abused myself so much. This is why so many who don’t love themselves fall into DOMESTIC VIOLENCE relationships or stop fighting for themselves and give in when faced with a narcissistic parent. Many also fall into addictions, trying to numb the feelings of inadequacy.

Knowing it deep down and not doing anything about it is self abuse in my book. So once I “knew” this, I hurriedly set myself on a path to change it. I deserved better treatment than that, especially from myself. You deserve it too!

One reason I wanted to learn this was because I was so tired of being hurt by others. So many that were close to me hurt me. I somehow knew if I could ever find true love for myself, then I wouldn’t get hurt by others if they didn’t love me.

I didn’t know at this time that I was attracting those kind of toxic people that couldn’t love me by just me feeling that I was UNLOVABLE. That’s a trip, huh?

This link explains how you may be attracting toxic people in your life that you may not be aware of.

No one else would love me unconditionally, unless I could love myself this way. This I just seemed to know without being told. I wanted to be loved like that in my life so bad and in order for that to happen, I knew I had to change my own perception of myself and look at myself realistically with no filters. I shouldn’t look at myself from others perspectives of myself, but most of us do. I was now ready to really get to know the real ME that I truly was inside.

First, I started with the definition of what unconditional love was. Basically, it’s loving someone (or yourself) despite that person’s wrongs. You don’t have to agree with those wrong things or decisions but you love them regardless (or in spite) of them. “Love the sinner, not the sin”, if you will! That’s not just for others, it’s for ourselves as well.

I’d personally never experienced receiving unconditional love in my own life, however, this is where I started on my journey.

I had given that type of love to both my kids, the best I knew how from learning about it in church, so I knew what it meant. However, the mind power I needed to display that plus, in order for me to have that type of love for myself, (in spite of any wrongs, any past bad decisions, any flaws and any differences), was going to be a hard bumpy road.

So many people want to experience the end result (after you are at the end of the journey) but don’t want to do what you did in order to get that end result. No, they would rather use up negative energy saying to themself, “I CAN’T”. You will use up energy either way – it’s up to you whether you will use positive energy toward the goal (loving yourself) or will you use negative energy complaining about not being able to do the “mind power thing” because it’s to hard!

It’s a process of getting to know yourself (not people’s perceptions about you), accepting yourself, forgiving yourself, and ultimately you will find that, after those three things are looked at and worked through … You will already be loving yourself!

Here are the list of steps to follow in learning to love yourself:

1. Get to really know yourself … beyond your soul, the inner core.

2. Forgive yourself for any past mistakes, no matter how horrible you think they are.

3. Accept yourself completely (no matter what you have done or what guilt you have because something may have happened to you)

4. Loving yourself unconditionally. This will automatically happen after you delve into the three previous steps.

Spend time with YOU and get to know yourself

I got to know myself by being alone day after day. Once the freedom came for this to happen, after this breakthrough (me working through my childhood pains with the mental symptoms I had been noticing, once I realized the way I’d been treated had a name for the person that treated me badly.

My mom was a narcissist and after studying and researching what that meant – I was able to see that so much I thought was true wasn’t. I also saw that it was not my fault. Around this same time, I had put two and two together on the symptoms I noticed, regarding my mental health. That also put a name to what I was experiencing, which was ADHD. So much now made sense in my life I thought, as I looked back on childhood instances through today’s foggy haze).

Forgiving yourself

Forgiving yourself is VERY important and without it, you cannot move on in your life, past a certain point. It was essential to this journey I was on. Again, I just knew this was a step I must take, without being told, I just seemed to know.

Even if you truly don’t believe you deserve to be forgiven, forgive yourself anyway. How can others forgive you, when you won’t forgive yourself? It’s the same with accepting yourself and loving yourself.

Keep in mind to, that we attract people with the energy we give off, so in my case I was attracting toxic people that couldn’t love themselves, much less love me. They tried to make me the same way, thankfully, that didn’t happen.

Forgiving yourself frees you into being able to accept yourself right where you are and eventually allows you to start loving yourself.

I had to fight through negative thoughts my whole life because on the outside I knew I was good enough, smart enough, and pretty enough, but I just didn’t show it. I didn’t know how. I’m guessing it was also because I didn’t feel it on the inside. That’s where the REAL me was. The negative over powered the positive in my mind. I didn’t know myself at that time and it showed. I had started looking at myself the way toxic people looked at me, wondering if they were right. I didn’t know myself enough to hear my inner self screaming, “no I’m not like that”

I had thought, somewhere deep inside of me, that I deserved the wrongful and abusive treatment I had received all these years from different people, myself included. (From who, why and where doesn’t matter. I just needed to train myself NOT to believe that lie). You don’t have to believe those lies others say about you. Just keep throwing them out of your mind, on purpose, and hold onto those deep down feelings that your gut is telling you, that you do matter. Like I did, I knew it but I put what others said and had shown me above what I knew was truth. Abuse yourself no longer!

There was no map or outline on how to do this, I just went with it. God led me through it.

All this time, from that deep place inside me, I knew that I DID deserve love, and finally, that feeling overwhelmed the lie I’d believed all these years. This occured once I started this journey.

Accepting yourself

Through ALL of that, I learned to accept myself for ME.

After accepting myself, the real me, deep down inside, was crying out for love, loudly and this time I paid attention. I owed it to myself. YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TOO!

I’d given others advice on this very subject before on the importance of self love but I never practiced it on me. In part, because I believed I didn’t deserve it and because it wasn’t a big “in my face” issue at the time. I never looked at it “in me” before.

Once I looked at it with me in mind, I saw a lot about myself that I didn’t know.

I had to look at feelings and situations that were years old in order to get to know, forgive and accept me. Things and memories that were not pleasant.

This is why so many don’t take this journey, I’m sure, because it hurts and people just don’t want to face their pain. However, it is A MUST, if you truly want to succeed in loving yourself.

In this journey, I came to discover key issues, people and situations that would explain my behavior, my issues, and why I believed I was unworthy of receiving love all these years.

One freedom I found, as I mentioned earlier was from learning I suffered from ADHD and unmedicated, makes it’s sufferers see things through a distorted and clouded view. I made a lot of my life’s decisions in that distorted and clouded view. Sadly, I wouldn’t have if I would have been medicated, or even just had the awareness of my disorder.

Another freedom was realizing I had been raised by a narcissist and the knowledge that they are incapable of showing or feeling love. It wasn’t my fault that my mother didn’t love me, it was on her. I thought I may faint from sheer joy and relief after learning these facts, because “it wasn’t my fault” – After thinking it was my fault for years, this was quite invigorating!

After realizing these things, I forgave, accepted and came to like the person I was. I couldn’t move forward, however, unless I accepted myself as I was then, and now.

So many things that were foggy in my life back then, became crystal clear with these revelations.

After realizing this, I really “saw” that I WAS worth love and that I did the best I could back then. Today, I DO deserve unconditional love. I TRULY felt this, (for real) for the first time ever, at 55 years old.

I also saw that I deserved to be loved BY MYSELF. This was another freedom for me. Loving yourself DOES make a huge difference. I believe that if more people would love themselves, it would stop a lot of depression and self harm tendencies, as well as hurting others. We can’t hurt someone else when we love ourselves. It’s just impossible!

Unconditional love for oneself would definitely put a dent in the suicide rate. So, show someone they are worth being loved today!

Since I put all these steps to the test and completed them successfully, now came the hard part of how to TRULY love myself unconditionally. (Key word- “unconditionally”). I thought to myself, “How on earth do I make this happen?”

The answer is: It comes automatically after going through the steps I’ve explained. It is the FINAL outcome after learning those things through each step. (Knowing, forgiving, accepting and loving)

Diligently seeking how to do one step automatically enables you for the next step, until your at the end and you notice that you are loving yourself, before you even realize it!

Wow, a miracle as far as I’m concerned!

See, in this journey, I learned that I wasn’t unlovable, in each step I took.

The deeper I dug into ME, the more things I saw that made me love myself. I saw a young child that only wanted love and that young woman that was forever making bad decisions. I saw the heart they had and it caused me see that they thought they were doing their best and that they were worthy of my love. Love the younger you that did the best they could at that time. Stop abusing yourself now!

Summary

It was through the desire of wanting to get to know myself that led me to the fact of needing to forgive myself. It was through that forgiveness, that I came to accept myself. Lastly, it was through that acceptance, that I was able to FINALLY truly love myself, unconditionally.

This journey wasn’t without it’s own set of hurts, bad memories and feeling uncomfortable but it’s the only way I knew to get to where I wanted to be. I was learning the “how to” as I went.

Today, I’m still in process of finding pieces of myself that were long forgotten and putting them together with who I am now and loving myself still, regardless.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, take the journey I did and trust me, you won’t be sorry you did. Through this journey you will (hopefully) see that what was holding you back was the thought that you need to be “fixed”. You don’t need fixing, you just need to forgive, accept and love.

Love unconditionally, regardless …

โค๏ธ Thank you for reading commenting and following ๐Ÿ’›

anXiety tries to rule … ๐Ÿ˜ต

On the verge … dangerous trepidation … agitates deep inside …

… anxiety tries to rule …

… daily struggles … monotonous … nothing seems to change …

… am I left all alone … in a … fog left by the world … passing me by … never giving me a thought – I’m just sitting alone in my little home …

… anxiety tries to rule …

I can sense happiness just beyond my reach … It’s weird – but I feel things and unlike others … I have those skills you can’t teach … ADHD management is not out of reach …

I’m kinda stuck where I am right now … emotionally, I mean … not in the worst or the best of moods … I just wish I knew how …

… anxiety tries to rule …

To do things in life like everyone else … like go to the store, drive to a friend’s, spend some time at a park just like I used to do … before …

I still have a ways to go – since that light bulb came on … seven months ago – give or take a month … I try not to get withdrawn … as I try to calm my mind with no meds … ADHD runs through my head … running amuck … ripping my brain to shreds …

… anxiety tries to rule …

Holding it together … for what I’m not sure … I’m kinda tired of having to act like I’m so strong … I’m not and when it comes to myself … I’m usually never wrong … ADHD usually won’t allow me to listen to even one song …
Minutes tick by … ever so slow and I get so anxious that feeling doesn’t want to leave … Then I don’t know what to do or where to go …

… anxiety tries to rule …

I try not to think about things, so I just get online … to write or to help someone just to take it all off my mind …

… anxiety tries to rule …

Fake friends around here are a dime a dozen … so transparent in their actions but they think they’re slick … but I can see right through the crap they’re trying so hard to hide … because they may be quick but they ain’t that quick …

In the challenging ADHD moments of anxiety times ten … Much to my chagrin … Scattered thoughts pounding down on me like a hard fast rain … Closing my eyes I try to escape – I was locked in this moment I that being said … I am just gonna have to deal with this pain … ADHD is never going to be tame …

I’ve come a very long way in my journey of seeking self awareness … Wisdom abounds more in my sOuL and beyond … than before and that is a rareness … It’s somewhat similar to a real “self bond” …

Bonding with yourself isn’t easy as you may think … You have to dig deep beyond your inner core … So it all comes together and gets in sync … consistency is the key just practice it more and more …

Overcoming mental disorders take a lot of mental work … some say they want the outcome – but that just means – they just don’t want to put in any hard work … They’d rather just make excuses and be stupid jerks …

Anxiety stunts you spiritually – preventing your emotional growth – causing them to not develop properly … It really sucks having anxiety and ADHD both …

Waiting to be formerly diagnosed … that is hard to do as an adult these days … all I want is help to be normal … ADHD is not just a phase …

… anxiety tries to rule …

I’m not defined by any mental health issues or disorder “thing” … I try to stay away from people in general … for the most part they try to get your ass in a sling …

I’m going to smoke a stick now it takes the edge off… I want to pay attention to my guy… laying next to me … so please don’t scoff … I’ll turn out the light and snuggle up nice and he will snuggle back with me right where I’m supposed to be …

… anxiety ain’t gonna rule …

… living with ADHD is definitely not very cool …

LIKE my fb page dealing with stigma related mental disorders, diseases and chronic illnesses …

๐Ÿ˜ต for ADHD support contact:

ADHD/NAMI National Alliance on Mental Illness

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom …”

๐Ÿ˜จ Thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ˜ฒ