Tag Archives: Recovery
The process of behaviors that recovery brings to your life
๐ mommy dearest ๐
๐ revised post from mother’s day 2019 ๐
I couldn’t believe it … when I was first told … the person that raised me was for real is a petty mean troll … She was hateful indeed and there was no doubt … that loathing she did went beyond way up and out … Yet my being raised so out of control … it was the devil from hell that wanted my soul …
Once I knew that she loved to hurt me … she sure did that that to me a lot indeed … On purpose was her pain … aimed directly at my brain … where it was disorderly yet sane … although crazy it caused anxiety in my brain …
For years, I made it my mission that I’d find a way to please … the evil monster she was … while trying to appease … The orders she tried to make me succumb … yet instead she managed to regain control over on one …
She blamed me for several … of covered up wrongs … my hidden disorder playing like an old song … with her look of disgust … that quickly became a must … to settle on down … to calm my fears while crushing my trust …
She hated on me … for many years more…. while telling me I was never going to be any good … that I was brainless and dumb … I was told time and again … I knew better and when … I disagreed with her … it was much to her chagrin …
Feeling ashamed that I was being stupid all over again … I had no real guidance that gave me a start … with me … grasping for instructions on the minute details of her black heart …
Through the cloudy hidden ADHD haze … jumbled and dazed … feeling the hatred from her they should’ve been a crime … for her it’s just in due time … realizing then that she must … not love me … while claiming that I was the one that was acting real bad … yes that had to be me …
I’d feel so bad that I couldn’t be good … this evil woman I’d begun to hate … while I realized that I would never be understood … her knowing that goodness … freely flowed out of me … that depressing blanket of black … hovered above me … while covering up the unimpeachable … just step back, wait and see …
Paralyzing taunts from the evil in her …. that plagued my thoughts … I certainly was not any old amatuer … ONLY WANTING HER TO LOVE ME … all that now thank God is a blur … Yet all I could do then … is pray that everything would be okay … because that’s what she’d prefer …
She turned my sweet … my baby girl … into a mini little “she” … told her fake news all about me … making me want to flee … down these roads why couldn’t she just leave all of this be …
I was slipping away into that cold dark pit – that was harrowing, scary and warm not a bit … why does she kill my dreams which caused me to just quit …
… the fact that I’m really smart … wasn’t very well known to those around me back then – all I wanted in the world was another mom to start … she lied to me not doing her part … countless times which definitely set the pace … it’s set in stone and unfortunately for me … I fell in disgrace … and her presence followed me … lurking all around the place …
she was always telling more lies about me … unforgettable yet still absurd … now as I look back on those shameful days … she remain cold and undeterred … I often never ever heard … the apologies resounding from her frosty cold soul … she’d never give me her word … not would she relinquish her control …
she’s never going to accept me, ever I thought … that I’d never make it back from all of the dark words and shameful taunts that the devil himself made from her lips without being caught …
the evil clinging inside of her brain – is way hotter than hell … I would never be the same … so much confusing chaos … all around her while silently praying but to no avail … she’d go head first … crashing through my many mistakes … on that rocky road from hell … while holding them all not just one … over me with no brakes …
I don’t feel guilty or anything bad … because I’m free to hate her now … for any unpleasantness that narcissists spread … The guilt as the scapegoat almost suffocated me many years ago … from the lies, calling names and with references that I’d been born from down below …
throughout each night all of my life … from daylight to dark … I’d been brought down real low … I should’ve fallen apart …
I craved for her to acknowledge me … for her to be proud … knowing it was doubtful at best .. yet somehow I was made to believe … that there had to be some good in everyone indeed …
narcissists don’t have one ounce of cheer … so now I no longer care if she acknowledged me back then or not … I was completely blown over when shown what she was … that day not very easily forgot …
I learned the hard way that she would never feel love for me or for you … while strolling along in life … Hopelessly … she’d groan causing so much strife … and with pain coming down … directly aimed at my soul … I wasn’t about to let anyone know …
I’m finally free ever since I’ve known what label she supports … masking emotions and things of that sort …
Manipulators and controllers stay busy all about … I tried so long to be a real good girl … there should be no doubt …
I feel as if I’m caught in a bind of chaos inside foggy clouds … I was unable to verbalize my feelings out loud … being locked in my own little world every day … so so quiet … still sensing her hate unmasking when she’d smile at me underneath it was so fake …
I was finally released … from her diabolical mind … my memories from then are ultimately at peace … I would no longer wish for her to be kind …
I rode out the hard pain … that hovered … barely … above me … while having thoughts that I feared that mostly involved you as well as me …
I am finally at the point in my life … I no longer have feelings … not for or about her … and I no longer tolerate any damn strife … I am at peace inside knowing my worth “as it were” …
ยฉchellesrawthoughts
๐ if you or someone you know is a daughter of a narcissistic mother ๐ reach out to them … they need someone to understand them and the depth of their immense emotional pain … because they believe everything is their fault … ๐ when it’s not …
๐ here are some informative and helpful links ๐
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: A Bond Made of Selfishness and Coldness
Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers
The Incredible Healing Power of Reddit’s ‘RaisedbyNarcissists’ Support Group
Do You Have A Narcissistic Mother?
8 Common, Long-Lasting Effects of Narcissistic Parenting
What happens when you live in the shadow of a narcissistic parent?
The Invisible War Zone: 5 Ways Children Of Narcissistic Parents Self-Destruct In Adulthood
๐ thank you for reading, following and
commenting ๐
Where does that strength come from?๐ช
Strength is something you are born with but it takes challenging situations for it to be mastered enough that you can pull just enough out of you to make it just a bit further down the road your traveling, when you don’t think you can go any further.
It seems the more you go through in life, the more strength you aquire through challenges faced from those adversities.
Have you just ever taken a moment to yourself to say, “how did I ever make it through that”? It’s because you don’t feel strong after those rough journeys that you conquered, but you know you had to have found the strength somewhere just to have pulled through.
I’m amazed at the resilience I’ve had when facing some of the darkest times in my life. Of course, you don’t notice that when your in the middle of going through them, but only afterwards, is it crystal clear that you had barely made it through. How did you do that? The only answer I could come up with is, “I just did”. You did it because you had no other option, you had to find the strength and your soul find it, unbeknownst to you.
I’ve been in the bathroom, looking in the mirror with tears running down my face, begging myself to stop crying when I was hurting so much I could barely stand it. That is pain, horrible, searing pain that was almost uncontrollable. But somehow, after several minutes, I was able to stop crying and gather myself together the best way I could. That took strength, a LOT of strength, that had to come from a place so deep inside, to push through all that pain.
Next time, be aware of your feelings and the challenging situation your facing. Look back and notice the strength you’ve exhibited throughout that situation, several different times. It takes a lot for an individual to display that type of strength.
We don’t give ourselves enough credit for being a hero in our own lives. It takes a real hero to handle what we have had to handle. Otherwise, we would remain broken and miserable in our daily lives, never getting past the challenges that life is going to throw at us.
Hold onto that deep down faith that’s inside your very bones. No matter what God won’t let you give up, even when you feel like you want to.
So love yourself for protecting yourself and for ultimately saving yourself. You are a very strong person. Embrace that about yourself today. Be your own hero and let God be the Leader in your life.
๐ช Leave your comments about your own journey and how you were your own hero!
Sleepless in Texas โ๏ธ
I’m undiagnosed and untreated with adult ADHD and it’s progression has worsened, especially within the past three to six months. I don’t know why. I’m just familiar with my body emotionally and physically, and both areas are freaking out more than ever.
I’ve silently suffered from ADHD my entire life. There were some times that were worse than others; however, recently has been the worse time of all.
I think to myself, “Yay, in my early golden years I get to put up with this craziness magnified. I’m so scattered and I know that people can see the crazy old lady I am perceived to be. Great, I think to myself. Perfect.
I know others are sick to death of hearing me complain about my undiagnosed state as well as being untreated. They have been sweet not to say anything, but “I’m afraid they may leave if I keep it up, like all the others in my past”. Paralyzing thoughts. Yay ๐ thank you ADHD. Your thoughts will lie to you. It suxxx.
I have a very small circle including my landlady (who is a very good friend), my BFWB, and my platonic male friend Kenny. That’s about it. I have a very small circle. Less drama and less people judging me, and less people to screw me over. I’ve had my fill of those types in my life, no more for me
I know people would think I was mental if I were to go out in public. I have let myself go physically and I’m ashamed.
I mistakingly thought I could overcome it with mind over matter but boy, was I totally wrong. I used to be so pretty now I feel like a troll ๐
My sleep patterns are non- existent and wacky, for lack of a better word.
I do have my crazy moments though, real talk! Focusing only through writing and the lessons learned about my mistakes in life.
The fact that I can’t control a lot of this scares me but what can I do? Nothing, but move forward the best I can, praying for the day I can afford to see a clinic or Doctor that will treat me.
Long story short, my clinic is a sliding scale government funded clinic and they told me they didn’t prescribe stimulants nor did they have funding to test for ADHD.
I could bear and handle the symptoms, for the most part, until three to six months ago. They became worse and almost unbearable. I’ve struggled big-time ever since as if it were brand new to me.
I’ve worked harder on this blog site and content than I ever have with anything else! There is an almost explosive drive behind me, keeping me going with little sleep for days. I’m exhausted, excited, scared, anxious and distant all in one. But I keep plodding along until my battery runs out altogether.
Conquering my addiction was easier than dealing with this, I believe.
The ADHD explains the addiction, because I was addicted to cocaine. A stimulant (ADHD is treated with synthetic methamphetamine – which is a simulant as well) and I was unconsciously self medicating I’m sure in hopes of feeling “normal”.
Cocaine does not treat ADHD to any real degree. (maybe take the edge off and numb your emotions so you don’t feel the effects of ADHD symptoms) That’s why I felt little relief while getting hooked in the process. I’ve been clean over five years. That was only after five horrible relapses but I was not one to give up, so I kept trying to stop and finally I did.
I need relief and soon from this emotional hell.
Tomorrow is another day in which I really need to clean my house. Another one of ADHDs symptoms at work. These emotions can paralyze you into not being able to do anything. Sometimes, I can push through that and other times I simply cannot.
I was blessed to have RAW determination that has gotten me through my weakest points. I never know how I’m going to make it, but somehow I just do.
I’m grateful today for the revelations in my personal growth, but I need a break to rest.
LIKE my Facebook page for help and info for living with ADHD and other stigma related diseases, disorders and lifestyles: https://www.facebook.com/stopandkillthestigma/