Perpetual madness of the mind

I feel lost …

Alone…terribly alone …

Fighting back is getting old …

I’m ready for someone to take my hand, telling me I’m not alone. Tears drop silently down onto the chilly, dark night ground.

I’m so cold inside my soul, shivering through to my bones. I try to concentrate in hopes this apprehension calms down inside. It’s not a physical cold, it’s from the inside out.

Shaky inside from my head to the tips of my toes, my feet, sludging along, as if in quicksand, my brain hurts, throbbing into the secret parts of my very soul.

Heinous taunts come from the thoughts that aren’t mine, making this world seem unfeeling, not giving me any consolation. Making me stay in this miserable place. No matter how I fight, I cannot leave.

I’m not fully depressed, that’s the whole thing. This crazy disorder I’ve dealt with forever is the culprit and stress only magnifies the intensity of the anxiety, depression and ADHD blackness.

After this feeling leaves, I simply brush it off and go on. It lasts so long; however, I’m always grateful when it’s gone.

Feeling wrung out from the energy it takes to go through what I’ve described above.

I’m just pleased it’s over, for now anyway, but knowing it will return again soon enough …

I cringe …

I can handle the hyper moments because I’m at my most creative during those exuberant times.

I won’t sleep for days at a time and I write, write, write my little heart out.

It’s almost like I’m on drugs, it’s euphoric almost! I almost don’t want meds for it because of these “high” times.

No, it’s these moments as I related above, that pitches me straight into the pit of hell. The hopeless, dark, cold and lonely world.

The stronghold is real and harrowing, nevertheless you will feel as if it will never end …

… infinity.

I can certainly see how some want to die to get out, yet my soul would never let me take myself away.

It will last as long as “it” decides and I’m stuck, riding those crashing waves. Holding on for dear life, as they beat me down, struggling to keep my thoughts mine.

Slowly it happens, and when it’s over, I go back to ordinary things but I know before long, I will be transported back to the blackness.

God does, thankfully, look out for me during these nosedives into hell, otherwise I know I would never be released.

ยฉchellesRAWthoughts

โค๏ธโ€œADHD depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the doorโ€

๐Ÿ’œ LIKE my Facebook page that focuses on stigma related disorders, illnesses and diseases.

โญ For help with ADHD depression click this link and they will help you find help with ADHD mental illness in your area.

โญ Click here to take the test to see if you are suffering from ADULT ADHD.

๐Ÿ’™ thank you for reading, commenting, and following ๐Ÿ’š

๐ŸŽธ rOCk candy QUEEN

FOREWORD: This poem gives you a unique insight straight into a crack/cocaine addicts sOuL (your sOuL iS made up of your mind, your will, and your emotions) and the most intense death grip hold that this evil drug has on them. Also, what level of mental power that it takes you inside to be completely free from

crack/cocaine as well as showing you what it takes to become a SURVIVOR OF ADDICTION

๐ŸŽธrOCk candy QUEEN

Years ago my thoughts go back to that horrific time where she was fun to hang out with … that evil cousin to the white ladyshe knew how to make you feel good and keep you intrigued โ€ฆ

… IN THE BEGINNING …

… yet … you kept going back for more and more โ€ฆ not realizing she was completely out of your league …

โ€ฆ she became more fierce with her touch as time moved on โ€“ she revealed no heart and no soul to no one … it was considered quite the phenomenon …

know this …

she can turn your heart away from your own self because she does not play, because she gains … as well as turning your loved ones away and she will not stop until your soul is in chains …

clutching you tight … knowing you canโ€™t break free โ€ฆ you’re stuck outright โ€ฆ in bondage to the queen of rOCk CanDy โ€“ the evil cousin to the white lady indeed โ€ฆ

You will find her dancing with the demons of addiction, heartbreak and pain โ€“ they know you will eventually give in to their strong demands once again โ€“ while you falsely think that they accept you โ€“ yet really they do not โ€“

… thatโ€™s just get you hooked so they are able to harass you relentlessly โ€“ down that vile path that you tried so hard to adopt … because by then โ€“ they are laughing at you โ€“ watching you – as you realize in horror โ€“

THAT YOU’RE UNABLE TO STOP โ€ฆ

Like a robot and a puppet you move to her beat โ€ฆ like a good master โ€“ she pulls easy then real hard on your puppet strings โ€“ pushing your soul … while you chase that next hit โ€“ as she heartlessly brings โ€“ you way down โ€“ to hell’s fiery pit …

… Teasing you mercilessly โ€“ is one of her many sick treats โ€ฆ just as the hit that you raced for โ€ฆ finally connects inside your brain โ€ฆ causing you to feel such a major relief โ€“ you feel it straight down to your core – making you feel like you will never hurt again forever more …

… yet …

… you’re still wanting more and more and still yet more โ€“ until she senses your fear, forcing even the devil himself to scream โ€ฆ โ€œgo on you’re worthless – just get the hell outta hereโ€

… then sadly, as you cower down โ€“ what does all of this prove โ€“ your wondering because you’re still โ€“

… in the COCAINE mood …

โ€ฆ knowing full well โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ itโ€™s not enough โ€“ itโ€™s never enough anymore โ€ฆ your always miserable, sick, scared, depressed, strung out and dazed …

… and you just can’t stop …

… because when you think about that cloud of white smoke just passing you by โ€ฆ your body constricts in pain, your brain aches and โ€ฆ with a brutal force thatโ€™s dragging you down once again – your body and mind is strained …

… you sink way lower than you ever wanted to go โ€“ to stare straight at the queen of rOCk CanDy โ€“ whose waiting for you to pay what she thinks you owe …

โ€ฆ and rOCk CanDy will have no problem โ€“ numbing your emotions and your mind โ€ฆ so you arenโ€™t clear enough to make any decisions at all โ€ฆ itโ€™s no wonder that sheโ€™s more than just a tiny bit surprised …

โ€ฆ when you actually take a stand …

against her and once she senses your newfound strength โ€“ she then squeezeโ€™s your sOuL so hard you canโ€™t breathe โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ sheโ€™s holding you snug โ€“ in her cold yet intriguing hand โ€ฆ

โ€œDo you think you can play with meโ€ โ€ฆ she laughs at you instead โ€ฆ

she also whispers in your ear telling you what you want to hear โ€ฆ just to keep you disheveled and mislead …

โ€ฆ and once she has your emotions shredded and your mind feel quite lost โ€ฆ you are once again locked away deep inside – while your sOuL pays the cost …

… you tell yourself how stupid it was to let that white bit*h โ€“ so damn deep in your mind โ€ฆ you had no clue that was going to be your hardest damn uphill climb …

She will fight you like a man, ultimately kicking your ass โ€“ so it may seem โ€“ but you NEVER GIVE UP and you show this queen … you don’t back down from this white cu*t โ€“ the infamous and lethal โ€ฆ

… the eviL … the rOCk CanDy queen โ€ฆ

… If you keep fighting and DO NOT stop …

โ€“ she WILL have no choice but to weaken her grasp and then you can quickly run away and …

… then โ€ฆ gradually โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ one day she will stop chasing you and realize that your not worth her time, so she will find another weak sOuL โ€“ to commit her hellish crimes.

she will take them by the hand and lead them along that same horrific path … that leads straight to the nightmare place โ€“ right to the front door and straight into hell โ€“ introducing them to the evil cousin to the white lady โ€“ the queen of the rOCk CanDy jaiL โ€ฆ

… during this release โ€ฆ you may fall and stumble around โ€“ fall off cliffs and possibly drown โ€“ in the turbulent waters racing away โ€“ sheโ€™s known to come looking … so fall to your knees and pray …

… that relapse will miss the mark then she won’t be able to locate you in the dark …

… especially with her tempting you … make sure you do not betray but just in case you slip from the path of complete abstinence – just get back up … put yourself back on the road โ€ฆ

and stay …

โ€ฆ donโ€™t get discouraged โ€“ pick yourself up and dust off those stains โ€“ that the queen of rOCk CanDy forcibly made โ€ฆ strive once more until you get it right โ€ฆ donโ€™t ever allow taunts and hurtful words make you give up without a fight โ€ฆ

Relapse just means you wonโ€™t stop striving to quit โ€ฆ itโ€™s tough and unfriendly โ€ฆ remember she isnโ€™t going to give up on you โ€ฆ not one bit …

… so โ€ฆ

Donโ€™t allow anyone to bring you down with rumors or snobby looks โ€“ they donโ€™t have a clue … as to what heLL you have been through โ€“ with this evil cousin to the white lady โ€ฆ who is the rOCk CanDy queen โ€ฆ realize that if you aLLow hershe will keep hounding you as if y’all were still a team …

… ultimately

โ€ฆ she has a diabolical plan to KILL you …

โ€ฆ dark depression โ€ฆ

… hateful voices whisper in the wind โ€ฆ evil beings that harass you โ€ฆ they are not your damn friend โ€“ beware of your mental health taking a turn โ€ฆ she will scratch you and then bite you – seemingly diminishing you โ€“ before you can learn โ€ฆ that this rOCk CanDy queen is a bitCh that stands firm โ€ฆ

her job is to jumble your thoughts and make you see through a blurry haze โ€“ your vision and mind so distorted that any decision you make will for sure be crazed …

addiCtiOn is only a symptom that masks the underlying root cause โ€ฆ You need to gather all your strength and please take a much needed pause …

… and …

โ€ฆ you stop being so nice to her โ€ฆ

“STOP LISTENING TO THAT BIT*H โ€ฆ GET MAD and with all your strength โ€ฆ face your fear and stand up in her face โ€ฆ as you recall all the things she lied about throughout the past several yearsโ€ฆ taunting you with your fears while teLLing you that you’re a disgrace … remember you almost lost your life behind her evil lies โ€ฆ stop listening to her before you die” …

… let that rOCk CanDy bit*h hear you as you scream at her that โ€œSHEโ€™S JUST THE DEVIL IN DISGUISEโ€ โ€ฆ you tell her off and curse her out โ€“ “JUST REMEMBER WHO THA FU*K YOU ARE” โ€ฆ and do yourself a favor by taking a brand new route …

… that leads away from the door โ€“ at the entrance of hell โ€“ in the opposite direction that will allow you to prevaiL โ€“

previously – way before that white bitch stole our dream โ€ฆ I told myself I couldn’t smoke that rOCk … little did I know that years later her and I would become quite the team …

โ€ฆ no matter what – keep holding your head up high โ€“ keep moving forward โ€“ find that deep down determination โ€“ find out how you can love yourself more โ€“ more especially through โ€“ the many dark dreary days โ€ฆ that may certainly overcome you โ€ฆ because, trust me she will be keeping score …

โ€ฆ and guess what? โ€ฆ

โ€ฆ one day the harrowing relapses will halt โ€“ she soon will realize that sheโ€™s FINALLY locked in the past โ€ฆ donโ€™t let her define you โ€“ remember too that people will talk, scorn and laugh โ€ฆ

… but just you hold fast to your dream and remember the pain when she took away all those many years putting on you ALL of the blame …

… “STOP … KEEP GOING” โ€“ you’re doing just fine โ€ฆ give yourself a smile because once and for all you take charge of the main design โ€ฆ finaLLy you managed to beat that damn queen โ€“ the cousin to the evil white lady who still is

โ€ฆ the rOCk CanDy queen โ€ฆ

Keep striving, sweating, straining while you also remember that rOCk CanDy jaiL โ€ฆ

Itโ€™s been a bittersweet journey after turning away from the front door of hell …

โ€ฆ If you are an addict โ€“ using ANY drug thatโ€™s taken over your life โ€“

… REACH OUT because I want you to know this: I saw a level of addiction that most hard core addicts donโ€™t see and they donโ€™t know exist โ€“

… you DO NOT want to be there because the only way out โ€ฆ IF YOU STAY IN DEFEAT โ€ฆ is going to be a horribly long life behind bars or worse โ€“ Death is waiting to take you to the front door that leads into hell so you can hang out with the the queen and the devil himself โ€ฆ

… you are NOT โ€“ trust me โ€“ your not ready for that โ€ฆ not when it means staying in the rOCk CanDy jaiL …

ยฉchellesrawthoughts

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

โญ if you or someone you care about is a crack cocaine addict – or hooked on ANY drug – this link to help for alcohol and drug addiction will help you find the help you need in your area.

๐Ÿšฅ read about crack/cocaine addicts – these are their stories .. get help!

โญ Like my Facebook page about addiction for support!

๐Ÿ’ซ thank you for reading, commenting and following ๐Ÿ’ซ

baby I’m waiting for you ๐Ÿ’‹

That horrible day you were taken is engraved in my mind … I felt incredibly lost because you’re unique and one of a kind … they themselves should be arrested for that vicious crime …

I was so afraid to be alone … I had to calm down and set the tone … to be an adult more than I’ve ever shown …

it’s been almost two months now with seven more to go … every single day – for us both – I know that time creeps by ever so slow … you’re more precious to me now than you will ever know …

I cannot fathom life without you around, not anymore … Without you here daily creates the horrendous chore … of having to be strong deep down to my souls very core …

Being a grown up is just not my thing … I’ve just had to be since they took you away because you are my king … forever you have the loyality from me that I will bring …

Silent tears threaten to roll down my face … I try wiping them away so there is no trace … I gather myself and stay in my own space …

Away from other couples that argue and complain … I smile to myself, thankful we are not the same … We get along so wonderfully, putting those others to shame …

I will hold on tight and never will I let go … Boo Bear ๐Ÿป this you really need to know … my heart is yours, hold it gently and keep it under control …

Streaks of tears falling fast now, down my cheeks … I look up toward heaven and smile, not feeling so bleak … because God gave me to you and I’m no longer weak …

Seven more months, I would wait on you millions more … There is none like you anywhere, finding you was quite the chore … You are definitely and certainly worth waiting for …

๐Ÿ’‹ thank you for reading, following and commenting ๐Ÿ’‹

hOw impOrtant iS a “sOuL cOnneCtiOn” in your relationship?

A sOuL cOnneCt is the glue that binds together yOur seX, yOur sOuL and yOur parTnerShip as a whOLe tOgeTher …

My eXcLuSive partnership is prOOf of thiS. This iS the beSt reLationShip I’ve ever had in my entire life and it was definitely worth waiting 52 years for!

True love doesn’t hurt

Beyond best friends, beyond soulmates and beyond true love is what my guy and I have … my best friend and beyond

BeLOw I deSCribe EXACTLY what it takes to have a suCCeSSful parTnerShip …

Read this very carefully and you BOTH have to be in sync with this or it won’t work …

what it takes to have that RARE and unique sOuL cOnneCtiOn that iS almost unbreakable:

*100% COMPLETE HONESTY with OPEN COMMUNICATION so as to keep your partner informed as to where your head is at. This way there is no room for either of y’all to be guessing what the other is thinking etc… Those TWO things are the FOUNDATION NEEDED to begin and maintain a successful partnership …

I think that so many couples DON’T have that foundation because it wasn’t based on a SOUL CONNECTION. Because I KNOW if it IS based on a SOUL CONNECT it has no other option but to work in making a relationship successful (My own exclusive partnership is proof) … Otherwise without the soul cOnneCt … Couples aren’t striving as a team to build their relationship …

After the CRUCIAL FOUNDATION of HONESTY and COMMUNICATION are laid and SET LIKE CONCRETEadd the mix of YOUR RELATIONSHIP SUPER POWER (sOuL cOnneCt) –

*** this sOuL cOnneCtiOn cannot be forced – if it isn’t already present in your relationship is probably not going to be there if you have to try to make it happen …

… then … you MUST have these ESSENTIAL attributes (in BOTH partners) for it to be SUCCESSFUL:

*100% TRUST (for yourself as well as for each other)

*RESPECT (means that each person values who the other is and understands the other person’s boundaries)

*LOYALTY (to yourself, each other, and to your reLatiOnShip)

*FAITHFULNESS (to each other FOR your reLatiOnShip)

*INDIVIDUALITY

*COMPROMISE

*KEEPING OPEN LINE OF COMMUNICATION (this is mentioned twice because it’s that important)

*COMMITMENT

*LISTENING to each other

*OPENNESS (your as well as your partner is open, undefended and willing to be vulnerable and open in a sexual manner)

*FORGIVENESS

*SHOW APPRECIATION

*EMOTIONAL SUPPORT for each other

***BE A RIDE OR DIE FOR EACH OTHER it’s crucial to have each other’s back in ANY situation. You have to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that “your partner has “got you”

*HUMOR

*THE MAGIC OF SMALL THINGS

*COMPASSION – The intention and capacity to relieve and transform suffering and lighten sorrows

*DEPENDABILITY

*AFFECTION

*EFFORTLESS – it should ALL come naturally

*ACCEPTANCE

*SELFLESSNESS

๐Ÿค” When ALL ATTRIBUTES ARE ADDED TO YOUR FIRM FOUNDATION OF HONESTY AND OPEN COMMUNICATION meaning they are SET firmly inside you and your partners sOuL (because your sOuL consists of your mind, your will and your emotions)

THAT IS HIGHLIGHTED TOGETHER – it’s completed with the RARE OCCURRENCE of instantaneous bonding of two souls causing a …

~ SOUL CONNECTION ~

๐Ÿ˜„ … then …

*add the bonus ingredient WHICH CAUSES the most AMAZING sex that you could dare dream of … therefore causing it all to โšกโšกโšกMAKE THE MOSTโšกโšกโšกUNBEATABLE โœŒ๏ธ ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ COMBINATION which creates an …

UNBREAKABLE BOND

similar to sOuL tieS the bibLe talks about

which makes for a โœŒ๏ธ ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ๐ŸŽถ SUCCESSFUL PARTNERSHIP that would be ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE and EXTREMELY DIFFICULT for anyone outside the relationship to break through … for example someone can’t tempt your partner to cheat as easily because sOuL cOnneCt is almost unbreakable plus with this sOuL cOnneCtiOn you WILL NOT WANT TO OR THINK ABOUT BEING UNFAITHFUL … (Breaking the soulmate connection can be a very difficult process but it can be done if you set your mind, heart and soul to the task. The soulmate connection, and soulmate relationships, are formed from a very deep soul level connection with another human being.)

(These soulmate connections as they are formed and deepen over the time we spend with that soulmate become a part of us and part of our own soul so creating a termination to that bond can be a fairly painful process

(This soulmate connection as it is formed and deepen over the time that we spend with our soulmate … They become a part of us and part of our own soul so creating a termination to that bond can be a fairly painful process … read more here regarding sOuL tie diScOnneCtiOn … not having a sOuL cOnneCtiOn is how partners can succumb to temptation easily …)

This is what most reLatiOnShipS are miSSing … and the main reason cheating seems like an easy option … It’s not an easy option when your have all these qualities present as discussed here in this post

My opinion is that most couples in general will NOT have this RARE phenomenal relationship is because they aren’t willing to put forth the extreme effort in maintaining this on a daily basis. They want the outcome of …

what I’ve described to manifest in their relationship without going out of their comfort zone.

Learning about and VALUING what is important to each other will have the two of you creating your “perfect” world around your relationship.

Being up straight up front about your individual thoughts and feelings, along with the desired direction of the relationship – YOUR AGREEMENT OF THE DESIRED DIRECTION OF YOUR PARTNERSHIP IS CRITICAL – because that way one isn’t trying to change direction … because by NOT changing directions … your partner has the assurance you are respecting the boundaries they placed in front of you … This WILL ALLOW your relationship the freedom it craves to be happy and because your won’t be doubting your partner’s promise of NOT pushing you for something you may not be emotionally ready or able to give (for ex: if one of you has “caught feelings and the other hasn’t – and they do care deeply for you – be respectful and know they are giving you all they can – because IF the partner with feelings pushes for the relationship to be more of a commitment or whatever … that “pushing” will poison what trust is between the both you plus it breaks and tears down the bricks and will ultimately destroy the foundation built – and more than likely end it altogether.

On the other hand if you both keep to whatever agreement decided beforehand … The AMAZING freedom that comes – (freedom from knowing your partner is faithful and cares for you deeply, etc.) will allow you and your partner the opportunity to simultaneously explore yourselves and your relationship because your FIRM SET FOUNDATION AND BRICK STRUCTURE and highlighted with the sOuL cOnneCtiOn frees your relationship to grow as it was meant to be.

Comments are welcome and encouraged …

Like my fb page “FINDING YOUR BEST FRIEND AND BEYOND” they is dedicated to my guy and the unique bond we share …

๐Ÿ’“ Thank you for reading commenting and following ๐Ÿ’“