… yOu … me …

I stay up at night thinking of

… yOu …

the BEAUTY of yOur sOuL radiates into

… me …

causing me to feeL

… yOu …

the amazement of yOu creates in

… me …

a deep excitement in seeing

… yOu …

causing a hurricane of thoughts in

… me …

I’m in wonderment of the essence of

… yOu …

yOu make my heartbeat throb …

… me …

I cause the naughty thoughts in…

… yOu …

yOu make tingles shoot through

… me …

making the private parts on

… yOu …

seek out the intimate parts on

… me …

making the emotions on

… yOu …

grab my face and begin kissing

… me …

while I grab for the hugs from

… yOu …

instead it’s yOu wanting from

… me …

my body pressed up against

… yOu …

clinging to the sOuL of

… me …

that brings out the radiating sOuL of

… yOu …

causing yOu to explode in

… me …

makes me gush all over

… yOu …

trembling – yOu hold

… me …

as tightly as I hold

… yOu …

sleep soon will come to

… me …

my heart will always belong to

… yOu …

©chellesrawthoughts

✔️ LIKE my FB page Finding your best friend and beyond that’s in honor of my guy and what we have that’s so amazing.

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beyOnd beSt friendS ðŸ‘«

I met him in the craziest way … God told me that first night that “he is the one” … and when I opened my door and saw him – I said, “oh yeah this one needs to stay” … silently I thought … “Wow thank You God – a job well done” …

We instantly bonded and were extremely turned on … partying, gabbing, heavily flirting and more … staying up making out until the first break of dawn … I was in heaven loving all of him and he was certainly no bore …

… for three days and nights we played, made love and fuc*ed … together we were off tha chain … we allowed nothing to interrupt … I couldn’t get this man outta my brain …

Making hot, steamy and naughty love was amazing times ten … it never mattered where the other had been … never did I know naughtiness was supposed to be like that … intimately speaking it was INDESCRIBABLE unlike any other I’ve played at …

… there were no games played and no lies told … refreshing to us that we both broke the mold … he brought me back to life … I was simply existing because inside of me there lay a lot of strife …

… over the course of several months our bond became stronger than strong … I felt in my gut that this couldn’t be wrong … time kept it’s pace … moving forward it did … we could always be found hanging out at my little place …

I completely fell and fell hard for this man … he took it in stride and had a secret plan … he showed me how a real man dealt with his life … and treated those close to him with patience while unknowingly keeping me alive …

He is my hero as well as my best friend and beyond … BEYOND benefits BEYOND love and BEYOND best friends … I am so in awe I can barely respond … he is so much BEYOND the traditional boyfriend …

I honestly could not live life without his heart … it was as if I’d known right from the start … God whispered that night, “He is the one” … “thank You God it was a job well done …”

👫 this poem is about my guy – my best friend and beyond – he means the world to me … there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him … I know he would be the same way towards me! It’s been four years this month … since we met and have pretty much exclusive ever since …
“A soulmate connection is not sycophantic. No power struggles. No game playing. You don’t have to worry about treading on eggshells or keeping the peace. You don’t consider that words or actions will be thrown back and used as evidence should there be a future spat, although time will tell with this one. You feel their strength in the gentlest of ways and have no desire to hurt them, or test their loyalties. A soulmate connection says it’s OK to be different, perhaps one of you thrives on social media, while the other prefers a more private existence, under the radar. Any stresses or di

fficulties are diminished with one word from the other, or a solitary text, in one fell swoop.”

💃thank you for reading following and commenting🕺

©chellesrawthoughts

💔 mommy dearest ðŸ’”

💔 revised post from mother’s day this year 💔

I couldn’t believe it … when I was first told … the person that raised me was for real is a petty mean troll … She was hateful indeed and there was no doubt … that loathing she did went beyond way up and out … Yet my being raised so out of control … it was the devil from hell that wanted my soul …

Once I knew that she loved to hurt me … she sure did that that to me a lot indeed … On purpose was her pain … aimed directly at my brain … where it was disordered yet sane … although crazy causing anxiety in my brain …

For years, I made it my mission that I’d find a way to please … the evil monster she was … while up to appease … The orders she tried to succumb … yet instead she managed to regain control over some …

She blamed me for several … of covered up wrongs … my disorder playing like an old song … with her look of disgust … that quickly became a must … to settle on down … to calm my fears while coveting my trust …

She hated on me … for many years more…. while telling me I was never going to be any good … that I was brainless and dumb … I was told time and again … I knew better and when … I disagreed with her … it was much to her chagrin …

Feeling ashamed that I was being stupid all over again … I had no real guidance that gave me a start … with me … grasping for instructions on the minute details of her black heart …

Through the cloudy ADHD haze … disordered and dazed … feeling the hatred from her arrive … for her it’s just in due time … realizing then that she must … not love me … while claiming that I was the one that was acting real bad … yes that had to be me …

I’d feel so bad that I couldn’t be good … this evil woman I’d begun to hate … while I realized that I would never be understood … her knowing that goodness … freely flowed out of me … that depressing blanket of black … hovered above me … while covering up the unimpeachable … just step back, wait and see …

Paralyzing taunts from the evil in her …. that plagued my thoughts … I certainly was not any old amatuer … ONLY WANTING HER TO LOVE ME … all that now thank God is a blur … Yet all I could do then … is pray that everything was going to be okay …

She turned my sweet … my baby girl … into a mini little “she” … told her fake news all about me … making me want to flee … these roads while just leaving all this be …

I was slipping away into that cold dark pit – that was harrowing, scary and warm not a bit … why do I always get accused of being an irritating brat …

… the fact that I’m really smart … isn’t very well known and she lied to me … which definitely did set the pace … it’s set in stone and unfortunately for me … I fell in disgrace and her presence followed me … lurking all around the place …

she was always telling more lies about me … unforgettable yet still absurd … now as I look back on those shameful days thankfully those days of old … I often never ever heard … the apologies resounding from her frosty cold soul …

she’s never going to accept me, ever I thought … that I’d never make it back from all of the dark words and shameful taunts …

the evil clinging inside of her brain – is way hotter than hell … I would never be the same … so much confusing chaos … all around her while silently praying but to no avail … she’d go head first … crashing through my many mistakes … while holding them all not just one … over me with no brakes …

I don’t feel guilty or anything bad … because I’m free to hate her now … for any unpleasantness that narcissists spread … The guilt as the scapegoat almost suffocated me many years ago … from the lies, calling names and with references that I’d been born from down below …

throughout each night … from daylight to dark … I’d been brought down real low … I should’ve fallen apart …

I craved for her to acknowledge me … for her to be proud … knowing it was doubtful at best .. yet somehow I was meant to believe … there has to be some good in everyone …

narcissists don’t have one ounce of good … so now I no longer care if she acknowledged me back then or not … I was completely blown over when shown what she was … that day not very easily forgot …

I learned the hard way that she would never feel love for me or for you … while strolling along in life … Hopelessly … she’d groan causing so much strife … and with pain coming down … directly aimed at my soul … I wasn’t about to let anyone know …

I’m finally free ever since I’ve known what label she supports … masking emotions and things of that sort …

Manipulators and controllers stay busy all about … I tried so long to be a real good girl … there should be no doubt …

I feel as if in a bind of chaos inside foggy clouds … I was unable to verbalize my feelings out loud … being locked in my own little world every day … so so quiet … still sensing her hate unmasking when she’d fake a smile at me ..

I was finally released … from her diabolical mind … my memories from then are ultimately at peace … I would no longer wish for her to be kind …

I rode out the hard pain … that hovered … barely … above me … while having thoughts that I feared that mostly involved you as well as me …

I am finally at the point in my life … I no longer have feelings … not for nor about her … and I no longer tolerate any damn strife … I am at peace inside knowing my worth “as it were” …

💔 if you or someone you know is a daughter of a narcissistic mother 💔 reach out to them … they need someone to understand them and the depth of their immense emotional pain … because they believe everything is their fault … 💔 when it’s not …
💔 here are some informative and helpful links 💔

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: A Bond Made of Selfishness and Coldness

Daughters Of Narcissistic Mothers

The Incredible Healing Power of Reddit’s ‘RaisedbyNarcissists’ Support Group

Do You Have A Narcissistic Mother?

8 Common, Long-Lasting Effects of Narcissistic Parenting

What happens when you live in the shadow of a narcissistic parent?

The Invisible War Zone: 5 Ways Children Of Narcissistic Parents Self-Destruct In Adulthood

💔 thank you for reading, following and
commenting 💔

Broken beyond recognition

I’m breaking, my heart is completely breaking right now. I’m broken but I’m going to have to be okay. I just don’t know how the fuck I’m going to be okay

I don’t know if I am going to be able to handle what I feel may be coming.

I feel that it may be time to let things go, I just don’t feel that the situation is the same anymore and I cannot keep feeling that, staying where I am and be okay.

Not after seeing what I didn’t see, today!

Not if there’s a reason to hide something ~ anything … FROM ME! Once that is shown, deep down I know,

That needs to move around. They flipped, not me. I will offer option and by the reply, I will know …

But FUCK IT HURTS like a bitch …

No one cares

I’m all alone and I’m terrified to be …

What is it, is it me?

I never saw this coming but it’s here, and I tell myself you will want to stay …

With what we have is enough and not to much, unless it’s someone else and your just not telling me, because you truly don’t want me to hurt …

It would hurt less if I knew a hundred percent, that’s also more respectful, so that’s a definite hint …

My stomach aches and I’m going to throw up, no matter how you may feel, please respect my heart …

I’m petrified would actually better describe, the deep ass pain throughout my gut, stabbing me through to the other side …

It’s killing me deep down …

But a woman knows …

what vibes she’s getting, even if they may not know what vibes they’re giving …

A woman knows …

Dammit wtf have I done to deserve this paramount of pain?

All I ever did was love you beyond all reason, that’s all. That was my crime and from day one I knew I would eventually pay the price …

I really just don’t matter anymore, I’m boring to you maybe and that’s why you don’t want to ever hang …

anymore, like we did, damn I thought that shit was fun and insane …

Just come out and tell me boo bear … whatever it is … put me out of my misery before I enter a hospital instead …

It’s my own fucking fault but who knew the pain would be away, hiding way past the stars … I knew it would pounce one day, always hoping it was never tomorrow …

But today it is 😭

😍I write this from an ADHD moment … where our thoughts are rampant and raging throughout our body 90,000 times per second … I thought wrong thoughts about my guy and thank God he’s so incredibly patient with me 😍
💜 Thank you for reading, commenting and following 💚

💕Loving “yOu” iS CruCiaL

Have you ever wondered how to go about learning how to love yourself? Some people never give it a second thought, while others spend their whole lives trying to master this coveted skill. Mastering themselves in their own mind and in their own lives is the goal.

I spent my entire life not loving myself, until very recently. Understand though, I didn’t even realize this until right before I started this journey, which was approximately 8-9 months ago. I’m glad I didn’t realize this at the time when it was happening, because how miserable would that have made me?

Someone, who is now very close to me, is the one who showed me that I was worth receiving love. I never before thought I mattered enough. That was a thought that was deep down inside, that you don’t see when just looking at yourself from the outside. You got to look and dig deeper. It was through them showing me I mattered, that made me want to look and dig deeper, thus beginning my journey. It was then I saw that I’d never really loved myself at all.

The “why” that made me feel as if I were UNLOVABLE and not worthy of receiving love doesn’t matter. The fact remained, however, that I DID feel this way and there had to be a way for me to change it.

People try to get help in therapy, for example, about specific reasons that led up to them not loving themselves. I believe that dealing with the root issue, (in this case, not loving yourself) and not focusing on the why’s and who’s will free you way sooner than trying to figure out “why” someone treated you bad, etc…

We can’t change others so that’s why I decided to focus on changing the way I felt about myself. That I could change but focusing on the why’s and who’s, I’d keep going around the same old mountain with no solutions.

Does this make sense?

On the outside, throughout my life, I thought I was loveable because I’m kind, empathetic, compassionate and thoughtful to others. So that’s why “it had to be my fault if someone didn’t love me, right”?

That was from years of negative thoughts about myself. I’m sure you have them to, huh? Only after being shown that I did matter, I realized I hadn’t ever loved ME. So, “why did I not love me?”, that was the question. I was going to find the answer, if it killed me.It was the least I could do for myself, after being so hard on myself for several years by thinking it was my fault for being unlovable. I was so cruel to myself and seeing that now frightens me that I abused myself so much. This is why so many who don’t love themselves fall into DOMESTIC VIOLENCE relationships or stop fighting for themselves and give in when faced with a narcissistic parent. Many also fall into addictions, trying to numb the feelings of inadequacy.

Knowing it deep down and not doing anything about it is self abuse in my book. So once I “knew” this, I hurriedly set myself on a path to change it. I deserved better treatment than that, especially from myself. You deserve it too!

One reason I wanted to learn this was because I was so tired of being hurt by others. So many that were close to me hurt me. I somehow knew if I could ever find true love for myself, then I wouldn’t get hurt by others if they didn’t love me.

I didn’t know at this time that I was attracting those kind of toxic people that couldn’t love me by just me feeling that I was UNLOVABLE. That’s a trip, huh?

This link explains how you may be attracting toxic people in your life that you may not be aware of.

No one else would love me unconditionally, unless I could love myself this way. This I just seemed to know without being told. I wanted to be loved like that in my life so bad and in order for that to happen, I knew I had to change my own perception of myself and look at myself realistically with no filters. I shouldn’t look at myself from others perspectives of myself, but most of us do. I was now ready to really get to know the real ME that I truly was inside.

First, I started with the definition of what unconditional love was. Basically, it’s loving someone (or yourself) despite that person’s wrongs. You don’t have to agree with those wrong things or decisions but you love them regardless (or in spite) of them. “Love the sinner, not the sin”, if you will! That’s not just for others, it’s for ourselves as well.

I’d personally never experienced receiving unconditional love in my own life, however, this is where I started on my journey.

I had given that type of love to both my kids, the best I knew how from learning about it in church, so I knew what it meant. However, the mind power I needed to display that plus, in order for me to have that type of love for myself, (in spite of any wrongs, any past bad decisions, any flaws and any differences), was going to be a hard bumpy road.

So many people want to experience the end result (after you are at the end of the journey) but don’t want to do what you did in order to get that end result. No, they would rather use up negative energy saying to themself, “I CAN’T”. You will use up energy either way – it’s up to you whether you will use positive energy toward the goal (loving yourself) or will you use negative energy complaining about not being able to do the “mind power thing” because it’s to hard!

It’s a process of getting to know yourself (not people’s perceptions about you), accepting yourself, forgiving yourself, and ultimately you will find that, after those three things are looked at and worked through … You will already be loving yourself!

Here are the list of steps to follow in learning to love yourself:

1. Get to really know yourself … beyond your soul, the inner core.

2. Forgive yourself for any past mistakes, no matter how horrible you think they are.

3. Accept yourself completely (no matter what you have done or what guilt you have because something may have happened to you)

4. Loving yourself unconditionally. This will automatically happen after you delve into the three previous steps.

Spend time with YOU and get to know yourself

I got to know myself by being alone day after day. Once the freedom came for this to happen, after this breakthrough (me working through my childhood pains with the mental symptoms I had been noticing, once I realized the way I’d been treated had a name for the person that treated me badly.

My mom was a narcissist and after studying and researching what that meant – I was able to see that so much I thought was true wasn’t. I also saw that it was not my fault. Around this same time, I had put two and two together on the symptoms I noticed, regarding my mental health. That also put a name to what I was experiencing, which was ADHD. So much now made sense in my life I thought, as I looked back on childhood instances through today’s foggy haze).

Forgiving yourself

Forgiving yourself is VERY important and without it, you cannot move on in your life, past a certain point. It was essential to this journey I was on. Again, I just knew this was a step I must take, without being told, I just seemed to know.

Even if you truly don’t believe you deserve to be forgiven, forgive yourself anyway. How can others forgive you, when you won’t forgive yourself? It’s the same with accepting yourself and loving yourself.

Keep in mind to, that we attract people with the energy we give off, so in my case I was attracting toxic people that couldn’t love themselves, much less love me. They tried to make me the same way, thankfully, that didn’t happen.

Forgiving yourself frees you into being able to accept yourself right where you are and eventually allows you to start loving yourself.

I had to fight through negative thoughts my whole life because on the outside I knew I was good enough, smart enough, and pretty enough, but I just didn’t show it. I didn’t know how. I’m guessing it was also because I didn’t feel it on the inside. That’s where the REAL me was. The negative over powered the positive in my mind. I didn’t know myself at that time and it showed. I had started looking at myself the way toxic people looked at me, wondering if they were right. I didn’t know myself enough to hear my inner self screaming, “no I’m not like that”

I had thought, somewhere deep inside of me, that I deserved the wrongful and abusive treatment I had received all these years from different people, myself included. (From who, why and where doesn’t matter. I just needed to train myself NOT to believe that lie). You don’t have to believe those lies others say about you. Just keep throwing them out of your mind, on purpose, and hold onto those deep down feelings that your gut is telling you, that you do matter. Like I did, I knew it but I put what others said and had shown me above what I knew was truth. Abuse yourself no longer!

There was no map or outline on how to do this, I just went with it. God led me through it.

All this time, from that deep place inside me, I knew that I DID deserve love, and finally, that feeling overwhelmed the lie I’d believed all these years. This occured once I started this journey.

Accepting yourself

Through ALL of that, I learned to accept myself for ME.

After accepting myself, the real me, deep down inside, was crying out for love, loudly and this time I paid attention. I owed it to myself. YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TOO!

I’d given others advice on this very subject before on the importance of self love but I never practiced it on me. In part, because I believed I didn’t deserve it and because it wasn’t a big “in my face” issue at the time. I never looked at it “in me” before.

Once I looked at it with me in mind, I saw a lot about myself that I didn’t know.

I had to look at feelings and situations that were years old in order to get to know, forgive and accept me. Things and memories that were not pleasant.

This is why so many don’t take this journey, I’m sure, because it hurts and people just don’t want to face their pain. However, it is A MUST, if you truly want to succeed in loving yourself.

In this journey, I came to discover key issues, people and situations that would explain my behavior, my issues, and why I believed I was unworthy of receiving love all these years.

One freedom I found, as I mentioned earlier was from learning I suffered from ADHD and unmedicated, makes it’s sufferers see things through a distorted and clouded view. I made a lot of my life’s decisions in that distorted and clouded view. Sadly, I wouldn’t have if I would have been medicated, or even just had the awareness of my disorder.

Another freedom was realizing I had been raised by a narcissist and the knowledge that they are incapable of showing or feeling love. It wasn’t my fault that my mother didn’t love me, it was on her. I thought I may faint from sheer joy and relief after learning these facts, because “it wasn’t my fault” – After thinking it was my fault for years, this was quite invigorating!

After realizing these things, I forgave, accepted and came to like the person I was. I couldn’t move forward, however, unless I accepted myself as I was then, and now.

So many things that were foggy in my life back then, became crystal clear with these revelations.

After realizing this, I really “saw” that I WAS worth love and that I did the best I could back then. Today, I DO deserve unconditional love. I TRULY felt this, (for real) for the first time ever, at 55 years old.

I also saw that I deserved to be loved BY MYSELF. This was another freedom for me. Loving yourself DOES make a huge difference. I believe that if more people would love themselves, it would stop a lot of depression and self harm tendencies, as well as hurting others. We can’t hurt someone else when we love ourselves. It’s just impossible!

Unconditional love for oneself would definitely put a dent in the suicide rate. So, show someone they are worth being loved today!

Since I put all these steps to the test and completed them successfully, now came the hard part of how to TRULY love myself unconditionally. (Key word- “unconditionally”). I thought to myself, “How on earth do I make this happen?”

The answer is: It comes automatically after going through the steps I’ve explained. It is the FINAL outcome after learning those things through each step. (Knowing, forgiving, accepting and loving)

Diligently seeking how to do one step automatically enables you for the next step, until your at the end and you notice that you are loving yourself, before you even realize it!

Wow, a miracle as far as I’m concerned!

See, in this journey, I learned that I wasn’t unlovable, in each step I took.

The deeper I dug into ME, the more things I saw that made me love myself. I saw a young child that only wanted love and that young woman that was forever making bad decisions. I saw the heart they had and it caused me see that they thought they were doing their best and that they were worthy of my love. Love the younger you that did the best they could at that time. Stop abusing yourself now!

Summary

It was through the desire of wanting to get to know myself that led me to the fact of needing to forgive myself. It was through that forgiveness, that I came to accept myself. Lastly, it was through that acceptance, that I was able to FINALLY truly love myself, unconditionally.

This journey wasn’t without it’s own set of hurts, bad memories and feeling uncomfortable but it’s the only way I knew to get to where I wanted to be. I was learning the “how to” as I went.

Today, I’m still in process of finding pieces of myself that were long forgotten and putting them together with who I am now and loving myself still, regardless.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, take the journey I did and trust me, you won’t be sorry you did. Through this journey you will (hopefully) see that what was holding you back was the thought that you need to be “fixed”. You don’t need fixing, you just need to forgive, accept and love.

Love unconditionally, regardless …

❤️ Thank you for reading commenting and following 💛

rOCk CanDy queen (revised 05-19-19)

Years ago my thoughts go back to the time where she was fun to hang out with at first, that white lady, she knew how to make you feel good and kept you intrigued … while you kept coming back for more …

… she gets more fierce with her touch as time moves on – she has no heart and no soul, yet she can turn your heart away – from yourself and she don’t play – as well as those close to you and she won’t stop until your soul is in chains – clutching you tight – knowing you can’t break free … your stuck outright … in bondage to the queen of rOCk CanDy – the evil white lady indeed …

You will find her dancing with the demons of addiction, heartbreak and pain – you will eventually give in to their strong demands once again – falsely thinking that they accept you – yet really they don’t – that’s just get you hooked and harass you relentlessly – down that vile path, because by then – they are laughing at you – as you realize in horror – that your unable to stop …

Like a robot and a puppet you move to her beat … like a good master – she’s pulls easy then real hard on your strings – while you chase that next hit – as she heartlessly brings – you way down – straight to your knees …

Teasing you mercilessly – is one of her many sick treats … just as that hit that you raced for … finally connects with you … causing you feel such a major relief – yet only to soon …

… you want more and more and still yet more – until she senses your fear, forcing even the devil himself to scream … “go on your worthless just get the hell outta here” – then sadly, as you cower down – what does all of this prove – your wondering, because your still – in the COCAINE mood …

… knowing full well …

… it’s not enough – it’s never enough anymore … your always miserable, sick, scared, depressed, strung out and dazed and by when you think about that cloud of white smoke passing you by … Your body constricts in pain, your brain aches and … with a brutal force that’s dragging you down once again – way lower than you ever wanted to go – to stare straight at the queen of rock candywho is waiting for you to pay what she thinks you owe …

and rOCk CanDy will have no problem – numbing your emotions and your mind … so your aren’t clear enough to make any decisions at all … it’s no wonder that she’s more than a tiny bit surprised …

… when you actually take a stand – against her and she senses your newfound strength – she then squeeze’s your sOuL so hard you can’t breathe …

she’s holding you snug – in her cold yet intriguing hand … “Do you think you can play with me” … she laughs at you instead … she also whispers in your ear that you are a deep down disgrace …

… and once she has your emotions shredded – making you feel quite lost … locked away deep inside – way beyond your sOuL – you tell yourself how stupid it was to let that white bitCh – so deep in your mind …

She will fight you like a man, ultimately kicking your ass – so it may seem – but you Never Give Up as you fight this white cu*t – the infamous and lethal … the rOCk CanDy queen … If you keep fighting and don’t stop – she will weaken her grasp – then you can run away fast and leave ...

… Gradually …

… until one day she will realize that your not worth her time, so she will find another sOuL – that she can take by the hand and lead along the path going straight to that place – that leads right to the front door and straight into hell – introducing them to the white lady – the queen of the rOCk CanDy jaiL …

… sometimes you may fall and stumble around – fall off cliffs and drown – in the turbulent waters racing awayshe’s known to come looking with her tempting SweetS – meant to entice – in case you slip from the path of complete abstinence …
… don’t get discouraged – pick yourself up and dust off the stains – that the queen of rOCk CanDy forcibly made … strive once more until you get it right … don’t ever allow taunts and hurtful words to give you a fight

Relapse just means you won’t stop striving to quit … it’s tough and unfriendly … remember she isn’t going to give up on you … not one bit …

so …

Don’t allow anyone to bring you down with rumors or snobby looks – they don’t have a clue as to what you have been through – with this white lady … who is the rOCk CanDy queen …

ultimately …

… she has a diabolical plan to kill you ...

… dark depression … hateful voices whisper in the wind … evil beings that harass you … they are not your damn friend – beware of your mental health taking a turn … she will scratch and then bite you diminishing you – before you can learn … that this rOCk CanDy queen is a bitCh that stands firm … her job is to jumble your thoughts and make you see through a haze – your vision so distorted any decision will be crazed …

addiCtiOn is only a symptom that masks the underlying root cause … You need to gather all your strength and please take a pause … and …

… you stop being so nice … stop listening to the bitCh … get mad and with all your strength … face your fear and stand up in her face … as you recall all the things she lied about … remember you almost lost your life behind her evil lies …

let that rOCk CanDy bitCh hear you as your screaming at her that “she’s the devil in disguise” … you tell her off and curse her out – just remember who tha fu*k you are … and do yourself a favor start taking a new route …

that leads away from the door – at the entrance of hell – in the opposite direction that I wish I would’ve seen – previously way before that white bitch stole my dream …

… no matter what keep hold your head up high – keep moving forward – find that deep down determination – find out how you can love yourself more – more especially through – the many dark dreary days … that will certainly come …

… and guess what? …

… one day the relapses will halt – soon realizing that she’s FINALLY locked in the past … don’t let her define you – people will talk, scorn and laugh …
just you hold fast to the dream and remember the pain when she took away all those many years away from your life … don’t stop keep going – your doing just fine … give yourself a smile because once and for all … finaLLy you managed to beat that damn queen – the white lady who still claims that …

… she’s the rOCk CanDy queen …

Keep holding your head high because only you know what the hell it took – to finally lose that white bitch for good – never again will you see … Years down the road …

That white lady looking for you, not even in a dream …

😊 My addiction to rOCk CanDy cost me nearly every damn thing I had … It’s been a bittersweet journey after turning away from the front door of hell … If you are an addict – using ANY drug that’s taken over your life REACH OUT because I want you to know this: I saw a level of addiction that most hard core addicts don’t see and they don’t know exists – you do NOT want to be there because the only way out … if you stay in defeat … is going to be a horribly long life behind bars or worse – Death is waiting to take you to the front door that leads into hell so you can hang out with the devil himself … you are NOT – trust me – your not ready for that …

Here are some really good places to contact if you feel the way I described in my poSt ...

National drug helpline website

National Drug Abuse Hotline Numbers: Free Addiction Help 24/7

National Suicide Prevention website and toll free #

LIKE my FB page ~
💙 Stepping into recovery with Jesus

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💧memories … roll down my cheeks💧

⚡ this post focuses on the fall of 2013, when we lost our home. My son, who was 15 at the time, was forced to move in with his two friends from school and their mom, because of a personal tragedy. I was so thankful they did and I know that God gave them to my son to help him during this pivotal time in his young life. There were rumors spreading faster than the speed of sound about me, in our small rural town. I was called every name in the book and made to feel as if I didn’t care about my son or the house I lost. What nobody saw or understood was that we both had lost our whole life. It was horrific at best. I had to leave town that following January and I moved to a larger town close by. I went to the homeless shelter there to try to pick up the broken and shattered pieces of our life.

💑 This is our story …

.. … dedicated to my amazing son, who is graduating 🎓 this month and the tragedy he faced that started the domino effect, through the obstacles he pushed through on his journey 🏃even after his fathers unexpected death 👤 he pressed on 👲 until the present day 👩‍🚒 This poem focuses on how this bittersweet victory shows how determination 🎓 true love 🌪️ and heartache can anchor your soul 👩‍🎓 driving you to succeed 🙏 against all odds 🎓

“… memories … roll down my cheeks …”

Remembering those memories from before …… of his tiny hands and feet, smiling baby cheeks, and as I remember more memories I picture … his chubby face – full of table food smears, birthday cakes and summer slides, of course popsicles – loved by all …. year after year …

Disdainfully, I cringe away from those dark painful thoughts – feeling a tight knot form in my throat … from hateful impressions … molded by haters … Who saw me as naught ……

The measure of unfathomed love inside me – would have filled close to one thousand worlds …

“my son was my smile simply because … I dreamed him into being, long before he was born ...”

but smiles fade … life’s tests and trials find you and you have no option but to maintain – otherwise there would be nothing to gain …

For reasons I can’t imagine – but liars … haters galore wouldn’t leave my mind … stress magnified probably close to one million times … I was unable to show my heart through my actions not even through my life – it wouldn’t have mattered – haters never care about the truth if they believe they see – they just hate – then lie, so … nobody at all tried to see, just how precious my baby boy was to me.

Our safety – our midnight talks, our schedule – my washing your socks – our dream – EVERYTHING THAT WE’D KNOWN – was gone – stolen outright … just like that – our life was forever removed – those cowards don’t know me but one day they will see – I damn sure will have something to prove …

After that monumental criminal attack – I didn’t allow anyone passage into my heart – not my soul – haters – fakers – thru and thru … users – because of them – I was beginning to grow cold …

.. Remembering precious memories before … of his many first days at school ~ the best outfits we could afford, the happiest of smiles and silly giggles and the joy I felt for him …

I never dreamed of what would soon come our way … years away … It would never

again be okay …

… in fact … suddenly …

… Smiles turned upside down, whirling and spiraling into the summer night breeze …

… transforming into fear, future time would realize that quick separation is near … stunned in the sense that life was unfair –

… crushed under the blanket of confusion mixed with frightened tears …

There was to be no relief in sight … no solace … after our smiles were reversed … I prayed to HIM “please lift this curse …”

” … If only I had known …”

What in the hell – if I would have known then – wtf would I do?

… Remembering memories before … of the beginning teenage years – the person he was yet to be – yet the baby that was right here – staring with his trusting eyes – looking straight at me ...

… Remembering …

… It hurts …

… it’s killing me that I am the cause – of our dream shutting down … I hurt him with my addiction and then … this had to happen to us and just take more away – my boy did nothing that deserved his life to be extinguished that day …
it’s painful to look back – yet … those memories … from years before … were all that I had about our life – that I still adored

I miss the life that was ruthlessly … viciously taken from us and it’s safe to say – I feel like my son probably feels the same way …

I’m not sure if I will ever be free – of the cloud holding – guilt, regret and pain – it comes around less often than it did at the start … I never wanted pity – I totally feel – deserving of those freaks – riding that cloud – ever since my son and I had … no choice but to part …

Suffocating … I cannot breathe as my heart constricts from intense gouging pains – while I recall …

cherished recollections …

… from priceless moments before …

chains from unmemorized tunes … playing furiously in the silent night mist …

Complete brokenness

Regret …

Guilt …

Tears …

Self hate …

… I was beginning to feel the pain leave quite slow … from times featuring minor dull aching thuds – crashing through my defenses – holding back several tons of undiscovered tears …

Frightened … foreboding heaviness – black hearts that clinch my soul …

… penetrating … sliding gracefully … closer … until it settles into the core of your essence … Crippling emotional pain …

… awakens …

… my sOuL …

“God” she cried, as her tear stained face looked up – toward the late night eerie sky …

Please don’t let my little boy lose his love for me …”

She knew he would be moving out soon, there was no other choice – her stomach churned violently – thoughts swarming her brain … Of far away wishes, prayers and dreams … haters would soon claim their win …

~ avoidance – was futile ~

… God saw it best to take my sweet boy away … from my care … soon after that …

It was for his best – I was aware – grateful I was – for the angel family that came from God … I knew that I wanted my boy to stay – “no option dammit” I cried inside – it was for his best – he would be safe, I knew … in their care …

that didn’t stop me from dying inside and feeling …

slicing pain – carefully imploding … behind the space reserved … wait … “he can’t be alone – I can’t either, I need him to much” was her silent, screaming – loud heart’s cry ❤️

ringing – echoing in her head like a trumpet blast …

“Ohhh please Lord … go with him … please keep him free … from heart pain – give it all to melet him be free to be all he can be …”

Gripped in the throes of unnatural fate … Never before had she felt this disgrace …

She almost broke down and felt torn apart but how much more pain – her boy must have felt and was surely in fear … surely he was wanting his mom … he had to be scared … thinking with that fear – simply because she was no longer here …

How could she hold up … after she’d allowed his world to be … ripped … ferociously into shreds – she would somehow make it right …praying hard … with all of her might – praying and pleading … hoping God would agree …

She never again turned to drugs – not after her heart was ripped savagely away, don’t you see … of course rumors flew through town – I was doing everything … cowards cried – from drugs to only God knows what else … to myself I would say – after hearing those lies – I could not fall again – I wouldn’t have him hurting because I’d let him down …

“… not after this – I would from now on refrain …”

UNBEARABLE WAS THIS PAIN – FILLING HER WITH DREAD …

She silently promised her son … that she loved him beyond infinity plus one …

I would do anything to make it right …”

“I never should’ve invited the devil in our home of dreams – I was played well … I never recognized the evil scheme …”

Fear and regret were partners in crime

… attacking me …

… haunting my mind … bringing confusion – confusion brought guilt – guilt filled me with pain … apparently the poison from that beat me down more – yet again …

As she dissolved into tears … Feeling herself break inside, she would never be the same … But in her heart she claimed, that her boy wouldn’t go through this hell “not in vain” … “How would I manage” … she didn’t have a clue … she was shutting down … inside paralyzed … such raw emotions had demolished her sOuL …

“I cannot stand this God … please let this all be a bad dream”

– Signs of the trauma showed all over her face – could be felt by her body actually – she needed some encouragement to help plead her case …

My precious sweet son – I make you this promise that I will hold you inside – so very tight until the time arrives – when you and I reunite and choose together where to live and what school would you like – find a girlfriend and have her over a few times a week – maybe start a real family game night … Until then, my son, please don‘t depart – stay with me … inside – because …

“You are forever… enclosed in my heart”💖

he is close by … in my heart …

my heart slowly cracked – just enough and the broken pieces were not thrown away … but … they hardened inside – there was only one thing that I knew would work – and that meant get down on my knees and pray …

… instead – those enhanced pieces of hardened heart – of far away taunts – unspeakable whispers – telling tales …

… creative yet silent muses – restless anxiety sprang forth in a soft misty spray – while … ignoring the dark places – we had just barely survived – the hell I let inside … swirling thoughts in a whirlwind cloud …

... patiently, I wait – “go away crazy jumbled thoughts” … I’m shaky … while being carried away – by ping pong ideas – animated – not making sense –

I had to gather myself and respectfully utter thanks … I didn’t know then … that our reunion would never take place …

… noone has a clue – the extent of our pain – that was felt intensely – that very dark day … massive guilt covered me – sticking around – weighing close to one thousand pounds …

Missing his face … hurting so bad because I knew – he was better off without me in his life … hateful dark thoughts – unnerved me – taunting me with words that said – I didn’t deserve a place in his life … I didn’t deserve to even be alive …

though I believed – those black thoughts were right – I pushed through daily – ignoring the shame – still nothing came through – no job – nothing at all … but … I couldn’t give up nor would I give in – it was hard as hell – I felt very small …

… during those next few – quite challenging yet detestable years …I never could seem to get up – in this world I feared …

REGRET still haunts me – I miss my precious baby – I love him sooo …

tears … guilt … pain … fear …

filled up my time during the next few years …

Memories … Remembering …

The hate she’d gone through for those haters she’d see … would prove that she had no choice, but to be tough and proceed …

… Remembering memories before … they would sneak passed my eyes slide down over my cheeks, only to be wiped away …

never to be forgotten …

… Regret is a pain that NEVER goes away. I live with it every day …

I own all my wrongs – I just would like this chance – for his permission, you see – for my boy to get to know me … again …

… the real me …

… The woman I am now is who he should have had – as a mom – I have such a desire and hard drive to show him

… how I can inspire and still be …

… who I should have been all along …

“… Do I dare hope?”

… Now, my baby is all grown up handling a busy life of his own …

… my love has NEVER changed from that very first memory day … that started from home … I hope my son knows this – I’ve loved him fiercely ever since he’s been gone …

… Although my feelings may not have been shown …

… in order to completely stake my claim, considering I’m grown …

…. OMG screw haters that say I’d been spouting off lies … sleeping around … smoking dope – I am so sick of being accused – of things I don’t do – just because I was an addict – I’m not allowed to be believed – just judged – juryed – and convicted … “Don’t y’all see, how unfair that can be” … “They wouldn’t see the truth – if it was right in front of their eyes” … “All I want is to be away from haters, cutthroats and folks that are mean – I want to be free …”

… Damn these thoughts …

Demons of emotional disorders, addiction and violence plagued me … through the years … he needed me most …

… That’s why I took all the violent abuse – that showed up in my life … from different people and in distinct harmful ways … I just tried to survive …

SELF DESTRUCTION

Everyone, including myself, thought I’d gotten what I deserved … Still, I catch guilt … It tries to pull me vehemently – away from his heart …

Ohhh God I MISS HIM SO BAD

REMEMBERING

… I just wasn’t the mother I wanted to be or the mom he certainly deserved – but … I silently craved myself to be …

The love in my heart for him, during challenges of past – would hold onto him – through all the stars that the sky did surpass …

“Most have said that I didn’t care because of the road I mistakingly chose to travel … and that’s why our tragedy took place … smfh … It was because I helped the wrong one but I thought I was doing it right …

“But, they didn’t know me nor did they care to see the real me inside – saying hateful things … they were judgemental and assuming – when … all I did was care – so damn much inside …

Where no one could see …

“My sweet baby boy, I will hold you forever … on the inside of me” ❤

“CONGRATULATIONS SON”

💑 This is my amazing son – my heart baby boy, you have all it takes – to be a success at anything you set out to accomplish, there is no doubt. Always believe in yourself – no matter what anyone else may say. You are blessed dear son and you are so smart, funny, sweet, sensitive, determined, loyal, respectful and all around a very cool guy! The definition of “character” is this: the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual. “The concept of character can imply a variety of attributes including the existence of virtues such as empathy, courage, fortitude, honesty, and loyalty, or of good behaviors or habits.”
That definition describes you baby boy! That makes me so proud! Most people, of any age, are sorely lacking these coveted character traits. I’m so proud of you Kennodie, you are and will always be my hero!!! I’m honored to be your mom and although it took a village to raise you – LoL 😀 you went above and beyond any expectations that any of us could have ever imagined for you! I know your Daddy is bragging to everyone in heaven about his awesome son! You have your entire life in front of you and I have no doubt that God will continue to bless you beyond your wildest dreams! 💑 Know that your Moms heart is overflowing with so much love that is just for you. I will ALWAYS be here for you, I’m a phone call away and maybe you can call me more often 😍

Sweetheart ❤️💚💜💙💛

I love you to the Moon and back through to infinity plus one!!!

😊 Please LIKE my FB page dedicated to my babies – MISSING MY BABIES

I have 3 kids and 4 grands 💜 my son is the baby of the family!

💙 Thank you for reading, commenting and following 💚

👁️ simply LoneLy

😞 foreword 🤔 the reality that I’m taking about is the reality that although he’s (my best friend and beyond) not here, I know that he will be back soon, even if it’s not as soon as I would like. But the harshness and pain of loneliness is paralyzing at times.

👁️ Simply LoneLy …

… Emptiness inside – born from the pain that hurts every time – I miss you babe …

that loneliness creates …

… an emptiness created from craving the presence of that special one – that is unlike any other.

We connected INSTANTLY from hearing faint whispers, echoing deep within our sOuL.

… IT HURTS WHEN YOU AREN’T HERE …

Angrily, the brute force of feeling lonely stabs – through to my core slicing more painfully, into my pain while causing hot throbbing aches, while masking the clarity – that’s automatically taken from the safe images from our own reality.

My heart can be felt pounding hard beneath my chest. I’m feeling that torment … intense …

in fact …

I am shushed from hearing the mutters, emulating through the warmth, climbing out from my soul, came the truth born from sweet memories that we shared not to long ago.

I’m not comfortable in this zone, although I do know – the torrid jolts from missing you …

… The chill from the lonesome cry of my soul … pierce me … Knocking the breath that clings tightly and thoroughly, as I notice not the strain but rather the strength rising up …

… fierce devotion …

that’s felt distinctly for you

causing my tears to streak, sliding silently down my face … While focusing on impressions from long ago grace … and as I sit quietly … in my own little world – I remember this and a whole lot more …

I do know this – I know this for sure, since my son finally admitted to loving me more!

I remember …

that I hate … remembering …

… remembering alone …

;-(

… thankfully when this all took place – those deep thinking – awareness were deep and within God’s grace!

it’s searching …

for the ONE whose absences fills my heart with unforgiving emptiness, searing sharp pains yet I desperately try to regain some control.

Laughing sadly to myself, I know it hurts – when you yearn for someone’s presence – you miss with all your might …

Will I ever survive, fighting these pains that could certainly break me away?

Away from loneliness, because he told me …

Feeling that way is a waste …

… Then he smiled at me, and made my heart smile – while standing right in front of my face!

The mask covers me trying to hide reality – through the pain created by being lonely … and lonely covers me – with a dark blanket of intimate suffering … from yearning thoughts stemming from my core while craving your presence and so much more!

As I peer through that cloudy mask for a check on myself, it becomes virtually impossible for reality to make it’s way to where my soul can see – that’s the reality of deep loneliness indeed!

I don’t need a lot of people that are fake through the storms of life – the lonesomeness blinds me …

… hiding the truth – away from the harshness that my soul can see ~ I do so ache for REALITY.

Reality means that although you aren’t here – this very time – memories tell me that – the realness is when you get out of a bind and make a trip back, just to be with me here!

Yes, although right now your not physically around, due to work and issues that happen when life is abound …

Yet, once I hear you back up to my place, the excitement bursts from deep within and all the exploding from areas not while the song that’s inside my soul screams …

” … he’s here

You keep the emptiness and loneliness at bay … They slither to the corner, hissing at me, claiming to be bored and want me to play … Yet your presence clears the way that is free and the way you care keeps …

… ALL THE BAD THINGS AWAY FROM ME …

… Really wanting you close … Remembering your honesty, your loyality and trust – combined with hope

I SMILE … AS I REMEMBER THOSE DAYS …

knowing soon you’d be pulling up right here in my yard …

and we …

…will remember …

… That I’m remembering … I’m with you … I remember the fact …

… For once I’m not remembering alone …

😉

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Finding your best friend and beyond… dedicated to my exclusive guy – my bfab

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What makes someone who has an ugly and hateful heart 💓 tick?

Most people love me or they hate me. I could care less, but I wasn’t always so nonchalant.  I don’t really like most people, in general, because the majority are not real and use people to get what they want. They put good people down and lie about them to take the focus off themselves and what no good they are up to. I speak, of course, from my own experiences.

People that stoop to those levels do not care who gets hurt in the process as long they get they want and they could care less.

What makes someone that is that ugly and hateful inside tick?

I believe the evil that lies inside those type of people feed off the good hearted human beings like I described.

I also don’t want to hear that they were abused as a child or that they were hurt by the opposite sex and that is what makes them have an ugly heart. I was abused as a child and I am also a SURVIVOR of domestic violence.  I’m not that way. I’ve know people that had similar things happen and they didn’t turn out like that! Being abused is no excuse for bad behavior.

There is something evil inside of them anyway for them to hurt others and  then say they hurt people because they were abused. That’s crap, because they would have been hateful and hurt those people if they’d never been abused, why?  Because it’s in their very character. You either have that inside you or you don’t.

The excuse of abuse just takes the responsibility off their shoulders. They are cowards who blame others their shortcomings. That’s what gets my blood boiling!

What also gets me angry is that those evil no goods act like they have a God given right to treat people any way they choose. Wtf is that? That is laughable but it’s true and it how dare they!

THEY DON’T HAVE THAT RIGHT!

It’s not okay!

It’s up to us (the people they may target) …

… TO NOT ALLOW anyone to treat us with disrespect. 

I have zero tolerance for those type of people. What is the purpose of their existence? Nasty people like that, the ones they show no compassion for others or  don’t seem to care about others is truly a disgusting as well as PITIFUL site.

MOST GET MAD WHEN YOU CALL THEM PITIFUL OR INSIGNIFICANT. 

It is almost humorous, if it wasn’t so damn sad.

No matter how someone looks on the outside, that black heart is enough to make them unattractive and ugly, indeed.

I once thought that everyone thought with the same heart that I did. 

Boy, WAS I WRONG!

Not everyone has the same heart I do and that was an extremely hard lesson for me to learn. I thought just because I wouldn’t never screw someone over to hurt them like that but I thought everyone else thought the same way but they don’t!

Judgmental people have ugly hearts, as do abusers, control freaks, unhappy people and the list could go on.

Narcissistic tendencies and behavior, arrogant attitudes and no compassion for others are KEY attributes to one with an ugly heart. As far as I’m concerned, anyone that has a heart that is that unattractive, is evil. 

Some more than others, but anyone that will hurt someone else ON PURPOSE is evil any which way you look at it!

It blows my mind that most people these days, seem to have nasty hearts and they hurt others on purpose. I just don’t “get” that mindset.  They seem to get by with it and I just don’t “get” that, either.

In summary, I just don’t understand anyone that enjoys making others hurt and suffer ~ DO YOU?

I eventually learned how to decipher fake from real.

Time will tell because a person cannot fake being something they aren’t, not for long anyway.  They are going to slip up, no doubt about it. Women are more likely to slip up than men, in my opinion. Women are led by emotions, men are not.

PAY ATTENTION … To what your gut tells you inside.

One thing you can bet money on is that they can’t fake it for to long, until their true character appears. Just be patient.

It’s just a matter of WHEN? 

I’ve observed that true personalities SHINE THROUGH within three months and take no longer than six months, generally speaking. 

However, I’ve known some  that have taken up to a year before their trueness showed through. Those are the exceptions to the rule.

Those are the ones that you don’t expect and because of that, you end up getting hurt worse.

… Real people recognize other real people and they also recognize who’s NOT real.

It’s a shame, but use caution when meeting someone for the first time. Whether it’s a potential friend or lover, don’t let them fully “in” until at least 3 months have passed. You think your being mean because of that ~ no, you are protecting yourself.

Being able to discern through to people’s true nature is a gift as well as an acquired and learned ability. 

It’s actually learned through hard core life situations.  It is not something you just automatically know nor is it for the weak minded individual. 

Only the strong will survive ✋

Have you ever wondered what goes through someone’s mind when they intentionally use and hurt people?

How do they justify it within themselves to make someone’s life miserable – ON PURPOSE – even if just for a moment?

I’m sure it’s because they are miserable within themselves and their own life, which makes them yearn to bring others down around them. They cannot stand to see others around them happy.

Like the cowards they are, with the games they play✌️ they could really push a weaker minded individual over the edge! Big bully’s is are all they are and it’s NOT attractive.

I had to really push through things life threw at me and I did it without making others cry. I never hurt someone on purpose, even when they hurt me.  It’s just not me. I have a heart.

Are ugly hearts really that delusional and arrogant to think it’s truly okay to bring others to their knees?

They are disgusting individuals, the cockroaches of society is the perfect description.

Weaklings, because they hide behind and hurt real people with big hearts in order to blend in and to make themselves feel like they are somebody. 

They really are transparent when you become gifted in discerning their true nature.

Transparency at it finest ~

They feast on,

people that are going through hard times, weighed down by the weight of their circumstances.

The weak scaredey cats feed on those unfortunate ones and then dive in for the kill. I hate someone being a bully.

That truly pisses me off. I’ve been the victim in something similar before, a few times in my life and it makes my blood boil to see someone being manipulated in that fashion.

Cowards have radar for weakness and they use it to zone in on those that have some weakness BUT it’s not your fault if you fall for their lies ~ the first time! It takes getting burned a few times before you get good at spoting those types when you first met them. 

How are you supposed to automatically know, unless your told or shown? I had to learn the hard way, no one gave me a heads up 😞

Hold you head up ~ just proceed with caution. 

That’s why I get so upset.  Those big fast babies won’t pick on an individual that stands up to them. 

Once I began to stand up to these types, their bark is noticably worse than their bite.

I eventually learned how to take those losers down. I will stand up to them now with no problem. 

I’m no longer afraid of those with hateful and ugly hearts that hurt on purpose.

My question remains though ~ why do people walk around on eggshells around those type of folks?

They need to be held accountable for their hideous actions, in my opinion and I will call them out on their shit. They hate that and use righteous indignation when you do but I see right through that,

… FINALLY …

Experience leads you to knowledge which gives you the courage and righteous anger with meekness to stand up to them.

Anger is needed to give you the boost to say something to them.  Use your righteous anger and meekness does not mean weak like most think.  Meekness means …

… STRENGTH UNDER CONTROL

You will also learn to listen and recognize your gut feeling on any individual or  situation.

REMEMBER THIS:  Your gut feeling will NEVER lie to you.

I have never understood the mentality of Stupidity that enjoys causing emotional pain on purpose. What kind of sick freak does that?

There is just no valid reason for anyone to be hateful and mean toward someone else hurting them simply because they feel the need to in order to feel better about themselves. 

Kindness costs nothing and it’s positive, and causes less wrinkles and it’s contagious!

Kindness given to someone makes them happy and in turn it makes that person want to show kindness to someone else!

Be kind to someone today!

💙 Thank you for reading, commenting, and following 💚

💄 COMPLETELY ME ðŸ‘ 

People mistakingly believe ~ thinking they know me, because of what I show ~ it has to be true ~ they love to gossip and make fun … while passing judgement on what they see and think they know ~ but all they REALLY know, is what I show … because BITCHES I’m in control …

I’m so much more than they can see … Never can I allow them to see …

COMPLETELY ME …

I made the mistake, when I was so young ~ to trust a little to easily … I learned quite fast that people suck ~ that’s why there’s but one that cared enough for me ~ to go through the darkness and slay the dragons for me

So ~ he’s the only one I show the real me … Because always with him I’m

COMPLETELY ME …

It pains me deep inside that some see me ONLY as a bitch, a slut, no good, lazy, stupid, a problem, a burden or they think I just don’t care

When …

All I do is care. Not what people think so much, but care that I’m seen for MY heart, not MY mistakes …

I cared to much and years ago that almost broke my soul,

And still now … I care … But the hardness I learned to use to cover it up … Masks me now, so … THEY CAN NEVER SEE …

COMPLETELY ME …

I was hurt to much, by fake souls acting like they should be close to me. They ruined it for all, with one exception you see ~ my tough exterior will never show them what I don’t want them to see ~ because all they will ever be allowed to see, is what I show … because BITCHES I’m in control!

They don’t have permission to see, the complete me or the me I was always supposed to be. I’m NOT GOING TO ALLOW THEM ~ TO HURT ANYMORE OF ME 👠 There’s only one allowed inside of me ~ just so he can see and that’s my soulmate that’s free ~ free to see EVERY part of me ~ because always with him I’m

COMPLETELY ME!

The hard exterior I aquired, in order to be, came at a heavy price you see, so the softness inside … could not be crushed one more time.

Because, I only show them what I want them to see …

Because I’m so much more than anyone is allowed to see … They do not deserve to see … the me I was supposed to be … it’s all about him being able to see … Because always with him I’m

COMPLETELY ME …

Not many have made it past the hardness that’s shielding me ~ only a handful in reality ~ because only a few deserved to remain with me ~ because they can hang with me ~ be loyal to me and those who can’t … Who can never see ~ the me I was always supposed to be? The main population indeed was never going to deserve ~

COMPLETELY ME!

I can be sensitive, sweet, stubborn, goofy, quick to forgive, discerning, and even sometimes afraid. The last few came with time and deep pain …

Shouldn’t I show only certain parts of me, that the hardness hides of me? But it won’t change the fact ~ that I won’t allow any to see … The me that I was supposed to be …

But ~ always with him I’m

… completely me

Others see bits of what I permit them to see. So, call me names or talk bad about me because although I do care ~ never will you see, the reality of me … To be able to get past and inside of me because there is only that one ~ that is free to see ~ because always with him I’m …

COMPLETELY ME …

THERE’S JUST SO MUCH MORE TO ME THAN I ALLOW ANYONE TO SEE …

Only my best friend and beyond is free ~ to hang with me …

People pretend to care and it’s plain to me ~ it’s for vicious reasons you see ~

That no one cares

because of greed and jealousy ~ however in reality ~ no one really cares about you nor do they care about me … unless by magic and grace the true angels appear …

Those precious few that stick close, are the ones that you don’t have to fear and you shall allow them to be ~ keepers of the keys to your soul indeed ~ so the the fake ones won’t see ~ so never again will you show anyone but him … Because

Always with him I’m …

COMPLETELY ME …

Those angels are rare … Don’t let them go, hold onto them tightly ~ Mine are precious to me ~ my angels … They are down for me ~ Those angels are very few you see and there’s only one that can ever see.

Completely me …

If you don’t know me ~ and all you see, is a mask hiding a big part of me … Don’t be surprised because indeed you won’t need ~ to actually see ~ the me that I’m supposed to be.

Once you care enough to climb over my walls and dig in with me, I’m loyal to mine, and when they’re loyal to me …

That’s when they will see, completely ME.

👓 This post touches on people’s hurts and the walls they put up after being hurt, whether it’s emotionally or physically ~ when this happens they usually shut everyone out, especially if they have been hurt time and again, but if they are blessed, they have that one person who they let in … A lover, friend, sibling, etc … In my case, it is my best friend and beyond ~ my soulmate … I hope this brings hope that even though people suck … Don’t give up on finding one that you can 100% trust.

LIKE my fb page dedicated to my BEST FRIEND AND BEYOND (because he’s beyond a best friend with benefits)

💙 Thank you for reading, commenting and following 💜

ZERO tolerance for STUPIDITY

I’m pretty sure that the devil singles me out, knowing drama will follow me, no matter how much I try to stay away from it.

I’m a Christian, though backslidden, thru and thru … However, know this: I love Jesus with my whole heart … they don’t know me … But He does …

Why do they hate on me? They are jealous He tells me. Of my little bit of nothing? God says, no, they are jealous of your heart.

Your told to show His love, but human we are, and I don’t believe the God I know, will blame me for protecting myself … Again from poison,

rebel flag, unattractive, racist, ugly people that have insecurity issues

… think that they can talk to souls any way they choose … I’m here to tell him, it’s not okay … Not with me anyway.

Hurting people, hurt people, because they think the world owes them. They are weak minded individuals, but yes they all deserve love.
Not from me however, because I’m here to put that lie to to rest, chuckling inside knowing the world doesn’t owe anyone anything!

Those are no good, greedy, know it all’s, that know nothing at all, but how to put people down in order to make themselves feel good.

Weak ~ amusing ~ pitiful

“Lol” to myself,

They are so pitiful and sad to me, but karma will have hers … Inevitably, so if you can ~ hold on and watch …

They will hang themselves … stand up to them, never back down and that right there will scare them seriously all around.
I wish they could see how ugly they are inside, and did I mention pitiful?

Cut all ties, because toxic is poison, to the gentler ones with big hearts, also tough on the outside, yet so fragile on the inside.

Take a deep breath and tell yourself ~ you are worth it and you will get through this because you have no other option.

Never let them see you sweat,

… BUT …

Take notes and know that they are INSIGNIFICANT in your life, they deserve no kindness from you (others can minister to this one), because that’s what I gave and that turned them against me,

Insecurity is evident … You can’t be nice to the deviled souls.

Watch them, you scare them and, in turn, they are trying to fake you out.

Listen to your gut, IT WILL NEVER LIE. TRUST YOU.

NEVER THEM.

You don’t need to be accepted by trolls such as that. You shouldn’t want to be nice to rats …

Hold your head up and remember,

ZERO tolerance for STUPIDITY …

.. your better than that ..

❤️ Thank you for reading, commenting and following 💚

remembering alone

In my world, I sit and I remember … long ago days – days that don’t even seem real to me now.

Was that me? I can’t picture me in that situation – Yes, that’s me. How did I ever live through that?

It feels like someone else lived that life, but no, it was me … I remember.

I’ve grown inside and past days no longer bring hurt, but they have brought self awareness, while showing me how much I’ve grown on the inside …

… as I remember …

… Forever … That’s what it felt like ~ like it took me forever, to grow inside and be at peace within my soul.

Older now, there’s so damn much I lost way back then – but after a while – it would take years – I gained myself in return, once I made the first step to search for myself and maybe one day soon, that will all balance out …

… future hope …

Sighing deeply, I know that everything happens for a reason. We may or may not know what that reason is but mark my words

… and trust this fact …

…there is a reason for everything we go through.

( … we go through challenges in life, not for ourselves but to help other people that may be in a situation we were once in …)

Remembering … I lost almost everything I had back then … Hopelessly younger and yet producing invalid resolutions –

Sadness always trying to overwhelm my soul, because you see … I’m now finally becoming me. The me I was always supposed to be! My babies don’t know me and know them I do not

– not yet –

We could start fresh – it’s possible and yes – I want them to know the me I just found – the me I am now – this really cool me, that should have always been around – for both of my kids …

I’m finally me ~ that means I’m free – free deep inside of me and that pain has a key – and that key would be – the key that would keep me quite safe from reprieve.

Looking back, I was just grateful then – for getting out with my sanity and my life. I seriously can’t see clearly who that person is – who lived with my name back then that loved her children so small in each of their tales however, different then!

Why does it have to be me that does without her heart? That’s what they are – my heart – People saw me wrong, they always did, so what did I ever do so bad that this LOSS would be my punishment? Living with the thought of losing them for real – was the closest thing to hell on earth that I ever did feel … and with folks whispering hatefully in secret, thinking I would not hear, as they died how sorry I was. Rumors exploded telling the tale – that I never loved those kids and became the favorite mantra and jeer! That was NOT THE CASE, no matter the scenario or what took place … I loved my children more than anything in this world – I screamed to them all, as I pleaded my case.

My actions proved to be the catalyst for haters to grasp, clutching the reins, stating to all that I was a complete disgrace.

smdh …

how I made it through doesn’t matter at all but more importantly was this – how did those two, especially my son, get through the pain of me being gone … and did he feel that I no longer cared? The knowledge inside that he may – crushes my spirit that is life, because my love for him … Knows no bounds …

That is what keeps me awake late at night – i would wonder with tears that are stuck in my throat – the pain his little heart carried around, with fear close by – why was his mom not here by his side?

I remember regretfully that those needed lessons I learned – had taken years to sink through to where my integrity lived – for them to be embedded and placed deep in my soul.

It took longer still, for me to believe and also trust that those lessons learned … Maybe could somehow fix – any mistakes that had come, mostly being born from my biggest conflicts.

the wait was quite long for me to accept, forgive then love, the me that belonged – that me belonged here instead of this me … through the maze that I did see ~ searching my way – as though I was blind, yet I prayed so hard so that it could just blow his little mind ..

… Still longer it took … For me to learn how to finally love the true me I had found – IDK how I lived, through the pain of losing my heart and the fear settling in … Once – not to long ago – I embraced the pain that was raw from thoughts of my kids – mainly my son – I begged God that he would not lose the love or the trust … He had just for me …

… tears slowly remembering the path of the pain – with vivid recollection of those long ago days – I would have sold my soul to evil if it would have brought him to live with me, but in that pit, inside of me, that was to deep it seems – may get the better of me. I felt in my heart with my gut saying how true – thinking to myself, how little I knew wondering maybe inside how I was feeling would be – pretty hard to face – yet still my tears fell, streaking it all but with precision and grace.

My baby … I needed to state would probably be better off without me. I knew he was way better off – without me. I’d forever been told what a bad parent I’d be, in the months and years before that – it was drilled in my head – I was no good and was trash. I was also informed I would never, not ever, amount to much …

Nobody knows my soul or my heart including my measure of pain – How much I cried for my son in the earliest days … I sensed within – I needed to pick myself up and never fall –
not ever again.

It may take me years, I eerily thought
Facing the fact, that I must go on – a self awareness search for me – the me I was supposed to have been then, indeed! Locating the space inside me – where forgiveness was just a central trait, yes I did see – where acceptance would rule saving me in part – Falling in love with the me – I would be for my two precious hearts. I could start my self journey right away –
I had to take these steps yet I wasn’t quite sure – but wherever it may lead – ever how long it may take – doesn’t matter unless my baby boy can see …
and what I for him, my very own son, doesn’t show most times – as we know because it’s hiding behind a great wall we both know. My wall keeps pain born out of guilt, overseeing and keeping it from sticking like filth …

“as my sOuL cries …”

while inside – I’m moving forward, so that there will not be one doubt – in my son’s fragile mind and also his heart – as life seems to know nothing – but rushing about. My journey unfolds – I’m in awe you see – the life flavors he catches with clarity – he can actually see …

… Me. The me I now show and in showing control and having never let go – this me is way more cherished, more than diamonds or gold! I was like a sponge, soaking in a hot steamy tub and … then I was seeing all I could see –

I had finally gained more than self control over sadness, depression and HIV – ADHD coming from the rear, diabetes 2 stands away from the others so near, also my eyes and I have been told – are legally blind – yet COPD laughs saying … Don’t forget mine! Those do not define anything that I am … As long as I can love, truly love me – there’s nothing else I care about except self love for myself …

UNCONDITIONALLY

Me loving me was the hardest thing – hardest thing I would ever do – I recalled that pain flowing heavily from my eyes … In loving the me that was causing this strife – I ached for those babies in that awful past space – to please forgive the me who just didn’t know … A person born with a dazed and crazy brain also having a mom that certainly kept me in pain. It was never about me, and the only way I could push through and survive – no matter what my baby was told … all I ever did – was cry inside – begging God for those kids to refrain, from turning ice cold …

Time … it’s a precious gift I know now … we can never replace it once it passes … it never comes back –

Always remember that and think twice – pray hard and remember to Whom you belong!

I’m at peace inside of the real me today, although I think back to those days filled with fear – I’m not that me, not anymore … but hints of misery and from being afraid – taught me bright brutal truths that I would never – again ignore

No – I would never ignore … No – not anymore …

I had to maintain control of my emotions no doubt, guilt was heavy with feelings and wanting to shout – I was grieving the loss of my son while he’s still around. No wonder I felt like I deserved abuse, that I would receive in future rounds . Once, just recently I’ve seen – how it feels to finally be free, from guilt and crushing pain slamming down on top of me. I struggle daily because of the fact that I need for my hero, my son is for him to see – and that is my heart, through all of the steps that I managed to take … moving toward loving myself – in spite of the hurt I held like a pro – the sweetest little boy who grew up in front of my eyes: from my small son who I hold treasured memories for … to the 19 year old

that has made me so proud

I once begged God to please let me live, just long enough for my kids to see – being open inside for my wishes indeed – knowing how my son is just like me – no matter what he may tell himself to believe. My actions have shown now recently – I want the real me to make him perceive and discern that I am finally the me I should be.

Please let him draw close and feel comfortable and see without putting pressure on any part of the scene … I want him to see in the past and just this once let my love be a giant force while earning his trust.

I realized I was grieving my son though he were still alive and the guilt that I housed would infect me instead. He would need to know, much later on, when he was grown wondering what he’d done wrong for me to be gone. He may wonder – Did she miss me and did she cry for me as I did for her?

God allow him to know – while no doubts would be shown – I’d done everything that was expected of me. I knew little that I was supposed do and that entire time he was separated from me … Through mistakes and past wrongs showing to all – my actions were saying one thing and I hid away the other, pressing through, despite being hated on times ten … God, please let my baby boy love me again.

I missed him greatly, with a pain he’d never know – could she keep herself from showing her indifference? She glowed …

with the thought that Kenno, in the days that will come – would be shown her heart – that missed him – her prayer was actively answered indeed – he was going to be blessed to unveil the big plea, that he’s facing his freedom that was overshadowing me!

Yes, every night for years long past, I would cry heavy tears with gut wrenching pain – slicing through to the midst speaking prayers for God to take my son’s hurt for it to never remain.
I cried when I would think of you – innocent and sweet – how blatantly uncool for his mom to forsake.

I’m writing this so my heart and actions be shown – to my baby boy who is super smart – while deep down he discerned his mom’s moves way back at the start – and knew instantly the love she held tightly for him – never left her feelings as long as baby boy was at peace, since he finally knew, all those years ago, mom was more frightened than me? She loved me no matter what her past actions would show? And it would appear that she was not cold blooded I knowI FINALLY see and discern just for me, that she truly – to the Moon and back – really loved me!

Memories come alive …

~ animated in my head ~

tears are streaking silently down my face … I’m focusing on impressions from long ago grace … and as I sit quietly – in my own little world, I remember this and a whole lot more …

I do know this – I know this for sure, since my son finally admitted to loving me more!

I remember …

that I hate … remembering …

… remembering alone …

;-(

… thankfully when this all took place – the deep thinking – awareness thoughts – were within God’s grace!

❤️I’m referring to my son (or when I briefly mention my kids) when I talk about “my heart …”

💙 Read “my SouL cries” (part one is the link) … a three part series to completely understand ME and what’s up!

💜 Like my fb page that I created because I miss my babies!

❤️ Thank you for reading, commenting, and following 💚

…. 5 ways to wait positively, while hoping to be noticed in the writing world …

Waiting, as a writer, to get noticed or to land a writing position is painstakingly hard as well as slow, when your new and trying to make a name for yourself and having little or no experience under your belt. You just know that is your passion.

There is a lot of work that goes along with getting yourself “out there” for a company or someone in authority to see your writing passion and skills. You need to build a portfolio of writings and this takes time. That’s why I started my blog, that and I had hoped to learn how to make money with it as well.

You may apply for 1,000+ jobs and get nothing. You may get a few these I received,

… “Dear Melodie M, Thank you for your application regarding a freelance writing position. After further review of your credentials, we will not be moving forward with the hiring process at this time” … Blah, blah, blah …

All these things together will put you into a funk and there are five crucial ways that you can stay positive while you are waiting!!!

I get on a roll and write two or three blog posts and then nothing for over a week . Anyone else have this problem?

I’ve applied for at least thirty remote jobs in one day for every day these past two months. I’m determined and I’m not stopping until I land one.

However, it gets so crazy, once you have done this every single day for two months without stopping, it completely wears on your nerves. Applying, rewording your letters and bio, rewording your resume, creating numerous profiles on websites that employers go to when they are looking to hire writers, it gets old and making all those profiles and applying daily with no reply or only receiving refusals, doesn’t have a very positive effect on you, I know!

It’s work to remain positive and to keep that passion burning bright!

But you can’t give up, and here are some ways I try to stay positive through those dark times:

1) One way to wait is not to get mad at yourself if your not writing at the moment. Don’t beat yourself up about not publishing or starting a blog post. Just accept that and allow yourself to relax and do things you may not do when your at the top of your writing game. I know I love to play Words With Friends because it stimulates my mind yet relaxes it as well. Don’t feel guilty just enjoy it! Allowing yourself to just relax is a big deal, so do it!

2) If your like me and seeing double letters on a page, you seriously need to tear yourself away from anything having to do with writing and job seeking. Spending time with friends and family is a positive way to spend your waiting time. Go out to lunch, go get your nails done, go to park or hang at home. The world will not end if you take a couple of days off from writing and/or applying from writing jobs.

3) Do something you haven’t done before! Take a hike, visit a new place, try out some new intimate things with your partner or just take a nap! Doing something you normally don’t do will help you while your waiting and it won’t seem like tedious work when you return to it!

4) Help others while your waiting. This is a sure fire way to get your mind off YOU.

You can also continue this when your sending out resumes and writing your next blog post! Helping others ALWAYS helps us inside as well! It’s a win-win situation!

5) If writing is your passion, like it is mine, then take time while your waiting to mentally prepare for when you return writing. Maybe your getting tired of it, maybe it’s getting to be to much! Writing and sending out applications and tweaking your resume are perilous duties when your downcast. So pep yourself up, give yourself a pep talk. Remind yourself why you love to write in the first place! If your mentally prepared for this, then you can change your feelings and stop feeling so downcast about it!

Positive thinking is the basis of these tips.

It does work because it has worked for me in the past. It takes a lot of mind power and control but it CAN be done if your determined enough.

Those are my little ways of breaking through the drudgery while breaking into a writing career. It is not for the weak of heart that’s for sure!

Keep doing it until you get what you want!

💙 Thank you for reading, commenting and following 💜

Just maybe …

… Progression … little by little … I’m moving closer to the me that’s deep in my soul.

Floating, with tears falling and seeing no end … I’m there smiling because I know what it took,

To make it where I am presently. Strong, yet fragile … holding inside what most couldn’t handle …

On the outside … struggling though no one saw, barely making everything seem normal to those around.

Not a lot of distance between us … and, I can’t help but daydream about you in many suggestive ways …

Suggestions appear in my head, maybe your thinking about me?

… I desire you, pondering about me, for any amount of time. I would smile, then cry with happy tears,

But do you ever really just think about me and how you like my smile? my laugh? my kiss? my touch? … Crazy!

Over and over thoughts turned in my brain, in wonderment at YOU getting into me … was it possible?

I do hope it was an accurate wish. Secretly, my daydreams turn into you …

Stars fall down from the sky, twinkling their fire … gazing up watching them descend past the darkness,

Progression … I feel the blood race to my face, I cannot hide what you draw out of me,

passion … passion …

Igniting my soul with a flame higher than the clouds … Oh yes, you’re in most every thought that’s

Floating down, passing up all the rest … In my heart. There will not be others taking up room

Inside my head … Only you, your smile, your smirk, your eyes, your voice, and your personality combined …

With sexual tension, growing daily, between … hotter than hotter … distance …

Are you maybe, just maybe having thoughts about me?

That would be possibly the most awesome thing

To happen … Progression … I’m dealing the only way I know how,

Dangling, was me in the tree … It’s all about you, even when it’s about me because I’m all about you … haven’t you seen?

Progression is advancing toward the process of advancement. Although you … standing by me, thick or thin … Hero!

It’s never there, I’m painfully aware, in my life … You’re hanging sometimes far back from me,

Accepting … but silently my heart smiles, grateful for your eyes … they tell the truth ~ no place to hide.

Loyal yet sexy, still they show more than you really know, or else you would put sunglasses

On and just walk on out.

They show what we have, what I’m always daydreaming about … some part of your presence

That fills me up, screaming your name and your eyes … They show me a lot deep in your soul, you may not want me to see

But I “feel” it and those fiery eyes tell me you do, for real, care more than a lot, about me …

Just maybe, you will see that as okay, nothing will change. I’m falling down … inside my head,

Breathing rapidly … Seeing strength and allowing pain, to sear through me

Showing me, I would be crushed in my soul, if you ever disbarred …

In my greater old age. See, I’m going to need you for as long as I’m alive in this place …

Progression sees the beyond that we have between, grinning and at peace, finally inside.

If not you stay, that’s a defeat … In my mind, my heart, my emotions yet will …

It come out, in other places? Only those eyes, they tell your soul, when they are staring me down … With you pressing down on me

I tell you … to …

dive deep into my soul …

Where there are no lies, and I can see yours, from your beautiful eyes …

💋 LIKE my Facebook page I created in honor of my bfwb!

😊 Other posts about my bffwb:

A real man

Where does the love go

NEVERLAND for mature readers

Tears falling down

The imprint of you on my heart

Beyond the scope of normal For mature readers

Why

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray

💚 Thank you for reading, commenting and following 💙

… my SouL cries 💜 MY STORY ~~~ (part two of three)

( … continued from part one)

… When my son was 6 years old, I left his father. My daughter had been married for a few months when I finally left him for good. I had left many times before that but I always returned soon thereafter. I finally ended up staying in a domestic violence safe house for a few months in a nearby town (I never went back after that), trying to get my life back on track. Alhough I don’t think it had really ever been on track in the first place.

My daughter had given birth to my grandson three months after I had given birth to her brother. They came to visit us in the DV safe house and we were very close at this time in my life.

I still have problems remembering the exact timeline of events that transpired after I left the safe house.

I left the safe house after being in the safe house approximately six months, I believe, with my precious young son in tow and I returned sadly, once again to my mother’s house.

My mother wouldn’t allow me to move my young son in with us. This was one of her favorite ways of belittling me, by not allowing my son in her home. In her mind he was just like me and she couldn’t be bothered. I was stuck and saw no other choice but to let him stay with his Dad but I ached for him daily.

She will never know the amazing person she missed out on by dismissing her grandson from her life. He went to his dad’s to live with him and his sister on his dad’s side around 20 minutes away.

Although I missed him horribly, it’s better that he was never around my mother at all. She’d never really had anything to do with him anyway, so it was no loss for him. However, it almost breaks me when I think of that precious little boy who must have been so scared and missing his mama.

My mother couldn’t have cared less where my son was because she was to focused on being “large” in my daughter’s life so my daughter couldn’t “see”me.

Oh God, my heart hurts writing this…

My distorted and clouded brain made the life changing decision one day to go to our closest town. I just never went back to my mother’s until years later. I had run away, although it wasn’t planned. It was a stupid and impulsive decision (another symptom of adult ADHD) Impulsive actions like that are never very smart ideas but I had no social skills to realize how wrong it actually was. Now, when I left for town that way, I had no idea what I planned on doing, all I can remember was I had to get away from my mother. That was my main focus and I hadn’t thought passed that. I would regret that for a very long time.

I was clueless of the negative impact that impulsive decision would have on our future.

I was now officially homeless and I was very afraid, wondering what I had gotten myself into. I migrated to the “hood” and I adapted to street life rapidly because that was a necessity if you wanted to survive. I was going on fumes, not stopping to think about anything. I was afraid if I did, I would break down and cry and I already could tell you didn’t let the streets see you cry. That became habit for the next several years.

I’m not going to go into detail about my life on the streets (another blog post for another time) just suffice it to say that once on the street, I became addicted to crack cocaine within the first month. It was to become an incredibly hard life for me and that was even more proof that the impulsive decision I made to go to town that day was the wrong one, but I never guessed it would lead me straight into the flames of hell, and by then I was to powerless to stop or change it.

My son was with his Daddy when I ended up living on the streets and then he lived with his Daddy’s mother, his Meme. He was with family that loved him and that was more than I could offer him at this point. It crushed me to know this and accept that it was true but it was and I loved him enough to let him go. People just don’t get how damn hard that was for me. I missed him so terribly every single day, I missed him. I never stopped moving around for long because I would start thinking about him if I did and I would break down.

During this stage of my life, I didn’t see my son. No one told me I couldn’t see him, but I didn’t feel worthy to see him. I had gotten myself into something (the street) and had no idea how to get out of it. I felt like the biggest waste of life by this time.

Although the cocaine kept me going and numb, it couldn’t stop the sharp pains I felt when I thought about my kids. I had failed miserably as a mother, as a daughter, and as a human being, in my mind. I should be dead but there was no way I could kill myself because if I could have, I probably would have at this point.

I was eaten alive with guilt the entire time I was on the streets, that feeling was never numbed by cocaine, no matter how much I used. Believe me, I used enough trying to numb the guilt pain I felt. That mind and body crippling guilt stayed with me until this past year.

***Word of advice. Never make a decision out of spite!

Because, you will be screwed every time. Trust me. I left my mother’s home because I was sick of her feeding me negativity all the time and abusing me off things I wasn’t doing. I couldn’t stand to hear that I was a failure one more time so I left.

That decision cost me more than I would have ever been willing to pay. It cost me losing the life I should have had with my son. Not one day goes by that I don’t not think about this or get teary eyed and cry because I will suddenly just remember. It haunts me to this day. What if?

My son may never totally comprehend the horrible pain and deep loss I experienced, because of the decision I made that day to go to town, out of spite. He did; however, suffer an extensive loss himself later on and it was all my fault. He lost his mom and that gets me instantly crying when I think of it. I messed everything up, always 😢 I was conditioned to think this way, I didn’t want to but it was automatic.

I wanted subconsciously, to hurt my mother so she would hurt like I did, that’s why I believe I left. It backfired on me. I never consciously made the decision to hurt her because I didn’t realize I wasn’t returning. I just simply stated gone every day until I just never went back. But now, looking back, I was so naive in my thinking because I thought that surely she had to love me somewhere in her heart and if I left her, she would see how much she did love me and beg me to come back. Then, she would happily take me to get my son and let us live with her. I blows my mind now, that after all she put me through, that I still wanted to believe that she loved me. I still thought people had the same heart as I did. I was soon to find out, that was not the case at all. It would be a very bitter pill for me to swallow.

I’m not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me or for attention. I’m doing it for my own healing, because I matter and my pain matters and so my kids will have my story told to them, by me. They have heard my story by others thinking it was theirs to tell. My voice has a right to finally be heard!

I’m writing this so I can tell my kids how deeply I loved them when they were little, despite my many mistakes. I want to tell them how sorry I am for not being the mother I yearned to be in my heart. I wanted to tell them how wrong I was for not being there for them when they needed me, especially.

Once, I was off the streets, some 5 years later, my son came to live with me. It was a long and hard road for me to get there but I felt real good inside about myself for the first time, and I felt like a true “good” mother for the first time in my life.

We moved a few times during the next few years, but for a few years there we were really doing good.

Unfortunately, it was not to last …

💜💙💜 part three to be published soon 💙💜💙

💚💛 thank you for reading, following and commenting 💙💚

Tears running down … ðŸ’§

The tears are not going to stop, they are running down my face.

My soul cringes,

knowing the tears will make the thoughts come alive.

Forever searching inside,

grabbing myself from deep inside

trying to hold it back

The need for reassurance is there

I must share my head with you,

it’s a must, guessing is not an option

Understand that it hurts

when you flippantly tell me that it’s none of my business…

try to “see” where I’m coming from,
Put your head where mine rests… Being afraid that one day you will say…
I’m hanging out with a new friend.

Crushed beyond reason is what I’d be

If that were to happen.

That’s why all you have to do is tell me

where your head is, because guessing is dangerous for me.

I need your honesty, not your anger,

Your acceptance, not your mean words….

Your understanding, not your condemnation.

Your reassurance, not your rude comebacks…

Because those are so unlike you… You are defensive for no reason,

Haven’t I earned

That much respect, and

haven’t I been true in our best friendship thus far?

It’s not you reporting, it’s simply YOU being kind to the one who is kind to you.

Reassurance would stop it all…

Please don’t keep it from me….

It’s not me trying to control you, it is YOU being

considerate of your bfwb…

that needs to be told, gently, that

No one is taking her place.

Reassurance would stop it all…

Those thoughts…

Dead in their tracks.

I don’t get why you won’t do that

just to help,

To make it easier…

Especially bc I’m trying very hard

To continue to trust.

Don’t make me pay with tears

because you know how much I care.

My heart is pretty fragile

but you think it’s made of steel…

It’s hard when negative

Enters in,

To continue to trust …. while reassurance would

Be so welcomed for needed peace,

Inside my heart.

What would it really hurt?

To tell me what’s up?

If you know how I mean it…

It’s for reassuring comfort, deep down inside me.

Other posts about my bffwb:
Where does the love go

NEVERLAND for mature

readers

A real man

Just maybe

Tears falling down

The imprint of you on my heart

Beyond the scope of normal for mature readers

Why

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray

Sleepless in Texas âœŒï¸

I’m undiagnosed and untreated with adult ADHD and it’s progression has worsened, especially within the past three to six months. I don’t know why. I’m just familiar with my body emotionally and physically, and both areas are freaking out more than ever.

I’ve silently suffered from ADHD my entire life. There were some times that were worse than others; however, recently has been the worse time of all.

I think to myself, “Yay, in my early golden years I get to put up with this craziness magnified. I’m so scattered and I know that people can see the crazy old lady I am perceived to be. Great, I think to myself. Perfect.

I know others are sick to death of hearing me complain about my undiagnosed state as well as being untreated. They have been sweet not to say anything, but “I’m afraid they may leave if I keep it up, like all the others in my past”. Paralyzing thoughts. Yay 👌 thank you ADHD. Your thoughts will lie to you. It suxxx.

I have a very small circle including my landlady (who is a very good friend), my BFWB, and my platonic male friend Kenny. That’s about it. I have a very small circle. Less drama and less people judging me, and less people to screw me over. I’ve had my fill of those types in my life, no more for me

I know people would think I was mental if I were to go out in public. I have let myself go physically and I’m ashamed.

I mistakingly thought I could overcome it with mind over matter but boy, was I totally wrong. I used to be so pretty now I feel like a troll 🙄

My sleep patterns are non- existent and wacky, for lack of a better word.

I do have my crazy moments though, real talk! Focusing only through writing and the lessons learned about my mistakes in life.

The fact that I can’t control a lot of this scares me but what can I do? Nothing, but move forward the best I can, praying for the day I can afford to see a clinic or Doctor that will treat me.

Long story short, my clinic is a sliding scale government funded clinic and they told me they didn’t prescribe stimulants nor did they have funding to test for ADHD.

I could bear and handle the symptoms, for the most part, until three to six months ago. They became worse and almost unbearable. I’ve struggled big-time ever since as if it were brand new to me.

I’ve worked harder on this blog site and content than I ever have with anything else! There is an almost explosive drive behind me, keeping me going with little sleep for days. I’m exhausted, excited, scared, anxious and distant all in one. But I keep plodding along until my battery runs out altogether.

Conquering my addiction was easier than dealing with this, I believe.

The ADHD explains the addiction, because I was addicted to cocaine. A stimulant (ADHD is treated with synthetic methamphetamine – which is a simulant as well) and I was unconsciously self medicating I’m sure in hopes of feeling “normal”.

Cocaine does not treat ADHD to any real degree. (maybe take the edge off and numb your emotions so you don’t feel the effects of ADHD symptoms) That’s why I felt little relief while getting hooked in the process. I’ve been clean over five years. That was only after five horrible relapses but I was not one to give up, so I kept trying to stop and finally I did.

I need relief and soon from this emotional hell.

Tomorrow is another day in which I really need to clean my house. Another one of ADHDs symptoms at work. These emotions can paralyze you into not being able to do anything. Sometimes, I can push through that and other times I simply cannot.

I was blessed to have RAW determination that has gotten me through my weakest points. I never know how I’m going to make it, but somehow I just do.

I’m grateful today for the revelations in my personal growth, but I need a break to rest.

LIKE my Facebook page for help and info for living with ADHD and other stigma related diseases, disorders and lifestyles: https://www.facebook.com/stopandkillthestigma/

Caught between struggling and serenity

I’m in a place that is serene mixed with disarray. I wonder if anyone else understands what I mean by that?

I am I’m the process of learning a lot about myself for the first time in my life and it’s an incredible experience, I must say! It’s scary yet it is very surreal as well.

I’m dealing with a few health issues at the moment.  Adult ADHD which is undiagnosed and untreated, diabetes 2, COPD, and that’s it for now. I’m also in the process of quitting smoking. I’ve got a lot going on and the progression of the ADHD had gotten worse over the last few months and it’s been very difficult to live with.

I’m not very old and in my mind I’m very young but I suppose in the general scheme of things, I’m aging but I know where it counts, I won’t ever grow up, thankfully! I try daily to be positive and focus on helping myself and others.

Life is full of surprises that’s for sure and if your not paying close attention you may miss the lessons you are supposed to learn. I know I missed a lot in my life I was supposed to learn because I wasn’t listening. I’m just thankful that I learned any lessons at all. I was a late learner, but at least I didn’t quit until I learned and gained wisdom. My best friend and guy helps me a lot and I suppose I’m too dependent on him but he handles me like a champ.

So, this crossroads is a weird place to get in life but I can feel it’s very necessary in order to move forward. I’m just reaping what I had sown in the past. Bad decisions can ruin your life.

Is this something I can bounce back from? I wonder this deeply inside, God, I hope so because I have the faith inside that I can. I don’t know where it comes from but it is always there. Not allowing me to quit.

I’m apprehensive now because I know I’m very fragile emotionally.  I’m good in general; however, I just need to be aware of that fact and be gentle with myself. (We tend the be hard on ourselves and that could keep us from moving forward in and itself, so watch how you treat yourself. Others abuse us, please don’t abuse yourself too).  I will have too get through this, somehow.

Sheer determination grips my heart ❤️ showing me that it is in control. I can’t sleep but I can write and focus on answering questions on QUORA and promoting my blog in hopes to make money soon with it.  I’m driven, hard, even in the throes of insomnia.  It helps me to help others when I’m feeling this way.  It drives me, yet I’m exhausted to my bones.

There must be no other option, I must survive this. I’ve never quit before I won’t start now.

I tell myself it will all be okay and this to shall pass ✌️ now I have too believe it.

*Look for my Facebook pages that focus on the STIGMA of living with ADHD and addictions and recovery as well. https://www.facebook.com/stopandkillthestigma/
https://www.facebook.com/steppingintorecoverywithJesus/

Would TRUE LOVE allow you to cheat?



Here is a story about one of my many surfs through quora.com. I like helping people who I look for issues I’m qualified (from life experiences) to address.




My RAW thoughts today are about cheating. As I coasted through quora.com earlier, I answered a couple questions about cheating so I thought I would see what your RAW thoughts were about this sensitive yet emotionally harmful subject well as share myself RAW thoughts with you! 

Cheating confirms that pure love does not exist in the mind or heart of its enforcer.
Sorry but I’m just being for real.

This revelation has burst open me from the inside out of my core on one thing God has intended me to learn from this difficult road i allowed life to put me on.

⭐The lesson here is too be genuine and respectful worth your partner.  Leave before you cheat, try watering your own grass at home and keep it rich and happy.  “My partner doesn’t give me what I need sexually” is the most common reason for cheating. Well you know what? What you do is make him/her naughty and felt intriguing by you. There are plenty of sites for tools that will do just that. Try http://www.badgirlsbible.com for tips from AMAZING foreplay, massages, blow jobs, what excites men and women, ideas for hotter sex.
If this doesn’t work then I suggest you get out of the relationship.

You should not have to “try” anyway, because I feel that if it is true love, then it will come naturally. It’s just that simple!

Knowing what true love really makes you feel inside it is no longer a mystery to me. It’s a reality that God blessed me with to take me higher on the journey yet to be.




If you were ever in TRUE LOVE with someone would you be able to bring yourself too cheat on them? Honesty please. Why? Because it is too serious to play games with someone’s heart.

I feel that only people that have experienced pure true love can really answer but i welcome all answers from everyone. If you have you think about whether or not you have experienced this rare feeling then chances are no, you have not.  Your probably experiencing lust.  That won’t last and you will get hurt, promise.

I have been blessed enough to have experienced true love in my young golden years. The knowledge of what I found was mind blowing because the love in is pure form is so beyond the love we know.

❤️ It was worth the wait believe me. My answer is a definite NO I could NEVER BRING myself to cheat on someone that has brought out the pure love in me, sexually and otherwise..

How do I know, well explanations are futile but it’s because I just know.

💜 I also know I never experienced it in the past years until I was in my sweet fifties. That was clear to me in retrospect of this AMAZING journey.

I wasn’t even looking for an exclusive partner when I was found by him.  I was too far gone in my own meager existence, weighed down by my bad choices in life.

Experiencing my own karma and rightly so.   It’s important to own your wrongs and learn from them what you were created to learn.
With him just being himself, he made me realize my worth because I was too whipped by life in exhaustion to see it on my own.  I mattered and I needed to know that.  I mattered. How could I matter because I was a worthless person in my own eyes and I’m sure others as well. Wasn’t that obvious in my bad decisions I made? Or was I just going crazy?
I was about to see why.

I believed in the magic of love as a young girl but how miraculous was it that it was live and up close and personal with me in real life.

This is the way it was intended too be.  If people realized this in it’s depth, they would not play games in it’s name.  Wow ⭐
The grass is NEVER GREENER than your own lawn that you keep fertilized and watered. Remember that!

True love CANNOT cheat! It has so much more of a deeper meaning than anyone can comprehend.


What are YOUR RAW THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS?

***sometimes the problem with agreeing to this would be to admit that you were wrong all the times before in your desperate tries of “love” in your past.  They seem childish in comparison since you now see clarity.  Some are too weak minded to deal with that reality.

This person may be intended to be my forever BFWB or he may not but what the lesson here was: True love DOES exist in it’s purest form if you open yourself up to experience it.


Now I can stand on my own a bit more than I could before.  It’s crazy of how fragile I was when he met me. He had been so patient through it all, I’m very blessed.

He had remolded me back to a state that I felt whole again. Life had shredded me into millions of pieces, strong yet so vulnerable. But I  mattered enough to put those pieces back together.
I didn’t know that I mattered before that day.
❤️ That is true love ❤️

Judging people is wrong ðŸ™

Today as I was surfing quora.com I came across this question which immediately made my blood boil. It takes a lot for that to happen but judgmental people do it every time.  Here is the question I read that caused that instant rage   ..

Topic question was about homelessness :
Question: I have no respect for the homeless because i feel as if it is their own fault. Are there any examples of healthy “normal people” who became homeless?

My answer was:
You are being very judgemental of people you don’t even know. You know nothing about them nor do you know anything about homelessness. If you had a clue you wouldn’t have worded your question the way you did.

I was once homeless and yes it was all my fault. But the way we got there doesn’t matter it’s the picking ourselves up that matters. How dare you tell me it was my fault.

How we come out of a situation, not that we were in that situation in the first place. Don’t judge on subjects your clueless about. You don’t know me I’m not a statistic.
I’m a very respectful person that made bad decisions and ended up homeless. I owned that and came through it like a boss. (That’s all the information he needs)

✌️ Furthermore, I do not want yours or anyone else’s sympathy anyway. No one in that situation would I promise you.

Your compassion would be nice but your sympathy or pity I don’t need.

You need to be re-educated properly because you have a lot of opinions with no knowledge to back them up!

How would YOU have answered him??? Did I get my point across and put him in his place respectively?Let me know in the comment section below.What would you have answered?
✌️RAW VERSION

Is addiction a disease or a choice?

Yes drug Addiction and alcoholism are both diseases. Diseases that start off with A CHOICE.
Most diseases you have no control over what they do to you or your body, but with addiction you CAN control it in the beginning and just know that anytime throughout the process its a progression really and extremely difficult to overcome in it’s latter days, once it has its evil hands on you.

Once you lose your free will over that drug, that’s when you lose your ability to say NO. That’s when Your truly addicted and it’s no longer an easy CHOICE, however you do still have a choice in that situation.

It’s well known that when your in full blown disease mode and the disease progresses it is running you not the other way around. 

But even then, IT’S NOT TO LATE if you can find the will power within, DIG DEEP IT’S THERE you can still CHOOSE TO STOP. I did!!!

I weened myself off cocaine years ago. It ripped my entire life apart as I had known it but I didn’t see it coming until after the fact…

Then it became real.  That was heart wrenching for me to come to that realization.  That drug had a hold on me hard core. I fought it and I kept trying to stop only too end up relapsing over and over.
I couldn’t give up but I wanted to but something deep inside of me simply would not allow my body and soul to shut down.

  Weening myself took so much mind power you wouldn’t believe, but I was determined and finally was the last time, the real last time for me to use cocaine. For the first time, I stayed clean from that evil lady in white.

Freedom still didn’t come until years after that.  True freedom was truly meeting the real me after all the struggles.

It was a choice to overcome the disease of addiction thank God we have that choice! People need to stop using excuses of using bc it is a disease and they can’t help it… WRONG!

. . most diseases you cannot choose to stop…..

It’s mind power… Mind over matter but I’m proof it can be done!💜

What are your RAW thoughts on this subject? It is what it is folks but I want to hear from you 😍

Look for my two Facebook pages that deal with addiction and recovery, along with the STIGMA of being a recovering addict.
https://www.facebook.com/steppingintorecoverywithJesus
https://www.facebook.com/stopandkillthestigma

Wisdom is gold

Wisdom comes with life’s experiences as well as with age.
Hold onto that like it is gold,
Be ready, to be amazed.

Helping people who’ve been struggling is a sign of wisdom on your part, esp helping despite your inner pain…

No more holding things inside or trying to cover things up so you won’t see them from the inside. 

Facing your fears
Not running from them,
Wouldn’t that be an amazing sight!

Just knowing what you feel is right,
No question,
Before…thoughts were coming left as well as right,
Circling around me, hovering, as if in a major plight. Not stopping so I could see…
Clarity … I need clarity

Wisdom should be loyal with huge amounts of respect…
Emulating from within as well as from others…

Falling down around you,
And in those moments, you have to reflect… On how precious wisdom truly is…
Did I really find it you may have said?

Bad decisions and good alike,
Caused rivalry between the best
And, your In a test unknowingly. 

I’m glad wisdom found me the older I became,
It snuck up on me so quickly
And I became disdain… Not knowing how to handle her in my newbie ways
It was hit and miss for quite a ways..

Never giving up, holding onto hope
Covet wisdom in it’s entirely
On its curvaceous slopes… Once you know that … know you can never turn it around.

Wisdom has your heart so full,
Your home warm, your heart full with
Laughter floating out from the windows,
Happiness and smiles coating its charm…
Life seems different once you know…

Wisdom is precious 💜It is gold ❤️