The magic of Christmas 🎄

Lights that dazzle
and everything
you could ever want,
gift ideas galore …
and anything rocking
what Christmas
is all about,
to be found
in just about
any given store …

Merry Christmas to everyone‼️

“Jesus is the Reason
for the season”
everyone knows that
without a doubt …
listening to carolers
voices singing
and loudly praising Him
with an exuberant shout …

Jesus lives in your heart ❤️

The grown ups
and their children alike
are snuggling into bed,
delightfully dreaming
of the magic that happens
on Christmas Eve night …
giving Him their thanks
for blessings and gifts,
while outside their home,
silently waiting for Santa
are beautiful
Christmas lights
so very bright …

Believe in the magic of Christmas‼️

Little children
with their eyes so big
excitedly awaiting
Santa Clause
with his big ole sleigh …
full of presents
on a fine and bright
Christmas morning
also finding their toys
and knowing that it is
“finally” Christmas Day …

Santa leaves presents on Christmas Day morning ‼️

It’s Jesus’ birthday
and happiness
is all around,
especially worship music
with bountiful amounts
of Christmas cheer …
Football games
on every channel.
Movies are plentiful,
profoundly showing
us EXACTLY why –

We love You, Jesus – Happy birthday ‼️

“CHRISTMAS IS THE
MOST WONDERFUL
TIME OF THE YEAR …”

CHRISTMAS 🎄 is the most WONDERFUL ✨ time of the year🧑🏼‍🎄

🧑🏼‍🎄Thank you for reading, following and commenting🧑🏼‍🎄

my SouL cries 💙 ~~~ MY STORY (part one of three)

My kids are grown now, and they each took a piece of my heart that will forever belong to them. I long to see their faces and spend time with them and their families. I think of that constantly and that is my “wishing dream”.

I’m writing this to let my kids know exactly how much they meant to me and HOW DEEPLY I LOVED THEM, THEN AND NOW, even when I was living through some of the harder times in my life and had no clue what I was doing. When my actions screamed “I’m a bad parent” … My heart screamed back, “I loved you still”.

There was NEVER a time that I didn’t love you. I had such high hopes of being the best parent ever when I was a little girl dreaming of a family, but that was never realized for either one of you kids and for that I’m sorry.

I loved my children FIERCELY, as I do today. I always have and I always will. I ache for them daily and it is my soul cry to see them and hold them once more.

It was my dream to be able to be a great grandmother (Momo) but that was viciously taken away from me years ago with nothing but the silent treatment ever since.

That in itself was a form of abuse (called grandparent alienation) so I guess my daughter is getting me back, using her children to do so. There is nothing right about that, any way you flip it.

I’m 55 now and a SURVIVOR of addiction, as well as a survivor of domestic violence, and a lifetime sufferer of ADHD. I say “sufferer” because it still remains undiagnosed and untreated to this very day. But even though it is undiagnosed, that doesn’t stop it from making you suffer.

I was never the best parent, it’s a classic symptom of adult ADHD (esp unmedicated), but there is also one thing that you must know.

This is one thing I must get written down so that my children will read this and see my heart.

I always loved my babies, with every single piece of my heart and soul.

I grieve for them in my life, especially in the present tense. I made a lot of mistakes and bad decisions but they were my pride and joy. They were the only two things I ever did right.

I was just not guided correctly period and I just didn’t have a clue on how to show them. It’s NO excuse, it’s just true 😞 I just never knew how to be a mother, pain and simple. I really didn’t know how to be a person either.

… It is what it is …

I take full responsibility of all my wrongs, but those wrongs were caused mostly by an unrecognized disorder coupled with being raised by a narcissistic monster. This unrecognized disorder was the underlying culprit that caused a domino effect of events and decisions to unfold in my life, and with a tornado of people left in it’s wake.

I’m not using this disorder as an EXCUSE by any means; however, it was the reason things went in the direction they did. The beginning of the domino effect, if you will!

Because of this disorder, my thoughts were completely distorted and all over the place. It was hard to know which thoughts were mine or not.

The intense insecurities I felt were off the chain, along with major anxiety and the poor life coping skills I displayed. I had no real life skills to be a valuable person in society at all. At least that what I was told, especially by my mother.

Let me also get this straight. I’m NOT writing this to bash my mother. I do have to say this though, if she was ashamed of how she treated me and didn’t ever want it “out there”, she wouldn’t have done it. She was an adult so she knew what she was doing (according to her) and I knew nothing.

I can’t tell the story and leave her part out because each piece of this story, made me who I am today. I fought VERY hard to become her. Again…..

… It is what it is …

So, when I made life decisions during these times, they were made from a very clouded and distorted viewpoint.

Does this make any sense?

I wish someone would have stopped me from making wrong decisions. Problem is, I probably wouldn’t have listened even if they would have. I’m sure my dad and friends may have tried to but I was so out of it, with this disorder taking over my whole life. I refused to listen to anyone and also I hated everyone at the time, but worse, I hated myself as well. I felt if you weren’t helping me, you were against me. It seemed then, that no one at all, was helping me. I always felt very alone and sad as a child.

Most normal young people are rebellious to a degree anyway, so you can imagine how much worse a young teenager (that suffers from a crippling mental disorder that no one was aware of at that time) could be? I see it all clearly now, looking back …

LOVE would have easily made me a different person, I see that in hindsight!

Oh, I wish that someone would have seen the symptoms in me back then. But ADHD, when I was a teenager was unheard of. That didn’t stop it from devouring me emotionally.

… But no one seemed to see me struggle ...

This is where my memory fades from the timeline. (Yet another symptom of adult ADHD)

My parents thought I was just making excuses for my grades or mistakes when I forgot something or acted up due to what was blowing up in my head or just got in trouble for.

They labeled me rebellious, lazy and selfish and I was told I couldn’t possibly care about them or myself either or else I would “stop this craziness right away”.

I knew it wasn’t true, because I wanted so bad to be loved by them and to show them I could love them and be good at the same time. I did love them but they couldn’t see that through my emotional shortcomings.

Sadly, I’d failed, time and again, to “show them” with my actions. In their minds, knowing they had discussed my behavior with me, and NOT being able to see a change in me (for the better) it was automatically assumed that just I didn’t care.

This was sooooo far from the truth. I wanted so much to love them and be loved by them but I felt like they looked at me with so much disgust (in my distorted mind that’s how I perceived them looking at me) that I would eventually stop trying, altogether.

I always knew my Dad wanted me when I was adopted, but did he love me? I wonder that now because he allowed my mother to much freedom when it came to me. He was her “flying monkey”. A “flying monkey” is someone the narcissist recruits as a sidekick. They are just as guilty of inflicting abuse as the monster narcissist is because they watch it happen and do NOTHING about it.

I never questioned his love for me until recently, after I found the Facebook group for adult daughters of emotional abuse Narcissist mother’s. My mother never wanted a child in the first place. This was told to me more than once by different family members. She never loved me and I knew that without being told. I realized my dad could not have loved me or he would have done something to have stopped my mother for emotionally demolishing me. That was a hard pill for me to swallow because my dad was my hero, until I learned all this. He was no one’s hero. He helped her get away with everything.

A kid can feel love and they can also feel it when you don’t love them.

She would forever tell me things like, “your not going to amount to anything when you grow up”… and similar things that no child should hear from a parent.

She told me things that probably should have broken me, but didn’t.

I tried even harder to please her, but I never quite did. To this very day, I have never pleased my narcissist mother. They cannot change and it’s all on them. I’m the research queen, believe me, so I’ve learned A LOT about Narcissist mother’s recently. Once I knew her evil had a name, that is. I finally stopped trying to please her when I was around 47-48 years old. I had worn myself out all these years trying to please her, so she would love me. That is a shame 😞

I used to hope that I would learn that she was abused or something as a child and that would explain her abusive behavior towards me. But all I learned was that she knew how she treated me and others and didn’t care because her personality disorder was in shambles and could not be fixed.

She just made my childhood a lot harder to deal with.

(Let me say I do not blame her for any bad decisions I made because of her negative contribution in my life. I take full responsibility for all the wrong things I did)

In my mind, I was a huge disappointment to them (her mainly), so I actually hated myself for the longest time. I actually felt that I was completely stupid or I would have done better and therefore, they would have loved me.

I became pregnant with my daughter at 20 years old and I was so excited and nervous at the same time because I wanted soooo very much to be a good mother.

That was the burning desire of my heart at the time.

I had no clue how to be a good mother because I didn’t have the best role model and I certainly did not want to be a mother like mine was to me.

Of course, I was considered to be a heathen and/or slut at this time because my mom, this time joined by my dad, never hesitated to tell me how disappointing I was to God and to them. She would even throw my grandmother’s name in there telling me how disappointed she would have been in me pregnant and unmarried. My grandmother was my world as a child, she passed away when I was only 13. My mother knew that she would crush my heart with those words. That is exactly why she said that to me. Evil.

*Our family were not regular church goers but they held fast to those same beliefs. They were right beliefs but they had left out the love of God and forgiveness of Him out of things when pointing fingers at me. I went through life thinking God was a huge man that was always disappointed with me.
Think about it, that’s a HARD load to carry as a young child.

Once my beautiful little girl was born, I was determined to be the best Mommy ever.

… That was short lived …

My mother began telling me from day one after my daughter’s birth, that I was a bad mother and that I was doing everything wrong and I no clue as to what I was doing. You name it, if it was negative to me about my MOTHERING skills, she said it. Of course she watched what she said when my Dad was around.

She would then keep her opinion to herself, for the most part because of Dad. Regardless, I could always feel her disdain and her critical eyes watching me like a hawk, waiting on me to enevitably mess up. Thanks to her telling my dad who knows what about me, he looked at me with that same disdained looked. He didn’t help me or stand up for me. She had her narcissistic claws in him then.

Especially, if we were somewhere visiting, like my cousins, for example. She always embarrassed me in front of them somehow, like clockwork.

I thought it was

because I was deserving of it. I can’t make myself remember what emotion I was feeling when she did those things to me. I have blocked a lot of those feelings out. I remember what happened but the emotions that went along with those times, are gone. I feel more that they were to traumatic for me to remember, even now. I just know it was sad, but I remember thinking then, it went way deeper than that.

She usually didn’t have to wait long for me to “mess up”.

She wasn’t physically harmful to me, but for the mind, will and emotions, she was indeed dangerous. One incident stands out in my memory. It was the closest she ever came to physically abusing me. I was around 11 when this happened. I was a bed wetter from as far back as I can remember until the age of 12. One morning I remember getting up and my stomach dropped with the realization that I had wet the bed sometime that night. Inwardly I was scared of what Mom would say. She picked that time to come in my room and she automatically knew what I had done in my sleep the night before because she could smell it. She was instantly angry and she charged at me and grabbed me by the hair and shoved my face down in the wet sheets. She was smearing my face in the urine soaked covers, similar, I guess, to how you would rub your dogs nose in it’s accidents. This happened so fast and came completely out of the blue. She took me totally by surprise because she’s normally not physical with me. I could never describe the feeling I had during her outrage but I felt like I disappeared and remember it felt like it was happening to someone else. I shudder at what that monster did to that little girl that day because inside something was different, it was like something broke inside of me or detached. I remember that because after it was all over, somehow I knew that I would never be the same, I just knew it even as a young child.

Her negative treatment of me just escalated and magnified the already present underlying problem of the ADHD I was suffering from, although still no one knew it at the time.

Her negativity caused more anxiety, which triggered the ADHD problem more than ever and the war was on once again, in my head.

Stress is no good for anyone suffering from ADHD, especially a child whose personality was in the process of forming or a young woman’s who was already quite sensitive in becoming a new mother.

Moving ahead a couple of years to after I left my daughter’s father, I moved in with my parents to get on my feet. We later moved to Houston, because my Dad found work there, and I needed work as well. Our small hometown did not have a lot of jobs. I found work fast and I also made some friends. I was “seemingly normal”, I guess, but I was never happy especially under the eagle eye of my mother.

I eventually went to business college for a word processing course in 1990-1991 while working two jobs. I would go out with my friends on weekends. I would take my daughter out with me a lot of the time because my mother would complain that I was irresponsible. (I actually was irresponsible because of low self esteem and low self worth due to unrecognized ADHD symptoms. My thoughts were not usually my own and it was very confusing to me … and the emotional abusive words my mother would throw at me),

I felt like damaged goods…

I just had no clue how to interact properly with people and how to essentially, be a mature young and grown up person that I was expected to be. I’d had no guidance whatsoever. It was so painful, I recall, looking back with tears in my eyes!

Now I need to make one other thing clear …

I keep saying it because I’m afraid my daughter will freak out and never speak to me again after I publish this. This is why I called and spoke to my oldest best friend, Sarah about it … She said to write and publish it for me and to hell with what anyone else thought. My daughter hasn’t spoken to me since I’ve come to Longview, Texas to live anyway. She’s kept my grandkids from me as if I were poison.

This comes back to haunt me more time than I tell you…My mother swore to me years ago with a vicious voice, when my daughter was a young girl, that she would turn my daughter against me one day ~ and she finally did 😭

My baby girl will think I’m looking for pity writing this and I’m not. She will think it is for attention and it’s not. I’ve had all the attention I have ever wanted but didn’t need in my life up until this point. No, I’m not writing it for any of those selfish reasons ~ God knows my heart 💓 so I have His back up on that being true. I’m not one to say that type of thing flippantly (about God because I know God is God and He is real and His son Jesus is my Lord and savior) I respect God, although for years I rebelled against Him. I promise to God that I’m only writing this to help someone who will need it later on, for my healing and for my voice to be heard because it was always shushed. Nobody’s shushing me now. What I went through and felt all these years matter. I matter and I deserve to be heard and taken seriously. I’m not a joke. The only ones who would possibly have a problem with MY STORY are the ones who were trying to keep me shushed. As long as I was shushed, they could keep blaming me for things not in my control and the lies they were told could be considered truth.

I’m writing this so my children will know, that despite all I’ve gone through, I have loved them with every single fiber of my being.

This is also important to me that my kids hear my story from me and no one else.

I’m not blaming anyone for anything other than what is their due and I’m not writing this to bash my mother. She’s insignificant to me and to my life now. The world no longer revolves around her and I will break the silence. She’s still alive and can defend herself if she so chooses. I forgave her long ago because if I wanted to move forward in life, I had to forgive her. It’s no longer about her but it’s about me for once. I’m no longer her victim, i am a SURVIVOR! I have just now met some precious women, all ages and nationalities, and they are all women of emotionally abusive (Narcissist) mother’s. When I found that small closed group in Facebook I immediately requested to join. I found out that I was not alone. It blew my mind because I thought no one had a mother like mine. Other people had grown up with mother’s just like I had. I thought I was the only one until now and that’s the God’s honest truth!

I learned she was evil and loved no one but herself and her severe personality disorder could not be fixed. Through this little group and just knowing they went through the same things that I did and made me finally understand …

… IT WAS NOT MY FAULT LIKE I THOUGHT AND WAS TOLD ALL THESE YEARS …

and I wasn’t bad or crazy. I’m able to heal more now than I ever have.

It’s time I told my story. My gut is telling me it is time. My kids have told theirs through my mistakes, my mother has told hers, to her family especially, and I was left out and forgotten by them all it seemed. I was always the bad guy in her stories and she was my victim.

All I ever wanted was THE TRUTH to be told. The REAL truth, not my mother’s warped version of it. I hated people seeing me as she was portraying me to be. It just wasn’t fair but I was helpless against this narcissist monster, I just didn’t know it at the time.
*Narcissist mother’s are lethal to their daughters. Narcissists aren’t some poor souls that were abused when they were a small child, therefore possibly explaining their nasty treatment of their own kids, no not at all. They know EXACTLY what they are doing and they do not care. Google Narcissist mother’s of daughters and you will learn a LOT about how my mother ticks. That’s why I say she was evil, because she KNEW EXACTLY what she was doing to me and did it anyway. It’s impossible for them to love anyone but themselves, even their own children.

… now it’s finally my turn to tell my story ~ unsensored.

That being said, it was not long before we moved back to our hometown from the big city. My daughter was around 10 at this time.

During that time in her childhood, I experienced issues that were hard for me to deal with. I always crying and I always anxious. I finally went to our small town doctor and (sadly) was diagnosed with severe depression. Of course, it didn’t “fix” me like I had prayed it would because the medicine was not meant to treat ADHD. I don’t, to this day, understand why I wasn’t tested for ADHD, but I wasn’t. I didn’t have enough knowledge of the disorder plus, back then, it was thought that only children were affected with this disorder. That’s what they believed back then anyway. It still led to me being undiagnosed and not have the right medication I needed to feel “normal”!

This narrow minded thinking led to a whole generation of adults being untreated or misdiagnosed for ADHD. That is very sad.

I had played around, experimenting with drugs the same as many young people did back then. During my teenage years, I had played around and used marijuana and took some pills here and there but nothing more unless you count a beer here and there when I was out of my parents sight. However, as a young adult with a child, I’d only used marijuana from time to time. I just never did classify marijuana as a drug.

(Marijuana is a plant, not a drug. It was WRONGFULLY placed on schedule one because of people’s STUPID racism at the dawning of it’s becoming illegal in the first place.)

*This was indeed, setting the scene, for my hard core addiction that was to come years later.

My daughter went through a special kind of hell, I’m sure during the years we lived behind my parents house. (It was never a home.)

This was when I was being treated for depression instead of ADHD. So when I went for help, I was not diagnosed correctly so therefore the meds I was given weren’t going to help me.

I tried so hard to be “okay” and “normal“, but nothing changed.

I didn’t know what “okay” and “normal” was.

It only worsened and reared its ugly head in several self-destructive ways during the course of the rest of my life.

My daughter has her own version of my story, that would reveal her feelings around that time, from her perspective. I can’t change how she views things back then because I didn’t feel what she felt. I’m sure I’m the bad guy but it’s okay. I’ve long since paid my dues on anything I’ve ever done wrong, in my mind. I’ve paid dearly to finally have a peaceful mind … Like I said I fought to become who I am today!

However, it cuts me to the core of my very soul knowing I caused her unnecessary pain, but it was not on purpose.

I’m not saying I shouldn’t be accountable for that (because believe me I WAS held accountable and like I mentioned earlier … I paid my dues and then some), all I’m saying is, that I was dealing with something inside me that seemed alien and very frightening. “Why was no one helping me”?

I thought I was going crazy (remember, I had no idea I suffered from ADHD) and I thought I was for real crazy. That was scary for me thinking this about myself …

I was really scared that there was truth to my mother’s words after all. I would get so angry at myself for not measuring up and in doing so, I was proving all my mother’s negative words that she’d used in describing me, to be correct.

A never ~ ending cycle …

As time went on, I couldn’t keep any relationship with a man very long at a time (another classic adult women ADHD symptom) because I usually chose the wrong type of man. That and the fact that I was still trying to put the pieces of my fragmented life together. This would take another thirty years to happen.

The majority of those men ended up being controlling and later on abusive, physically and emotionally. I went from dealing with my mother being controlling and emotionally abusive to being with obsessive and controlling men that wound up being emotionally and physically abusive to me as well. I drew them like flies because of my weaknesses. (no self esteem, no self confidence, no self worth, confused all the time, etc.)

By this time, I thought I deserved the type of treatment I receiving. That is why I accepted the treatment for as long as I did before ever fighting back.

I’m not going to get into details about any of those relationships because this is about how much I loved my kids despite the fact that most of my actions and decisions probably did little to prove that love.

I felt so unwanted and useless back then that I actually thought I was doing my daughter a favor by not being around her like I soooo wanted to be.

That was because I never seemed to do anything right, according to my mother.

When I started shutting down she saw that as her opportunity. In her mind, by shutting down, I was asking her to step in and be my daughter’s mother. So that’s what role she took. All the while making sure I knew what a disgrace of a mother I was. She would tell me that I didn’t love my daughter or I would spend more time with her. So when I tried to spend more time with her she would never seem to leave us alone and if she did, she would go out talking about how my mothering skills were horrible, etc …

… So, I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t. I was utterly and forever confused by this time.

I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere and that nobody loved me because I was weird, different and mentally sick. That was shoved down my throat as well and being sick in the mind, remember was looked down on and thought bad of back then. It was like I could help it or something.

I felt so alone and afraid.

But what nobody ever knew until now was that I wanted more than anything in this world was to take my place as my daughter’s mother. I wanted to show her how much I loved her and to take her in my arms and promise her that I would never let anyone make fun of her or hurt her in any way. I would protect her like I thought parents were supposed too.

But that was not meant to be.

(My father had passed away not to long after August 4, 1998 was the day the father that I adored left this world. I just never understood how he could let my mother hurt me so much and not help me if he loved me. In my research today about Narcissist mother’s, he would have been considered to be her “flying monkey”)

During this time of extreme guilt and grief on my part, my mother once again started in on me. This time she wasn’t kept in check, because my Dad was gone. So she could basically say whatever she wanted. She did just that. She came at me in the worst way she possibly could.

She told me with a smirk on her face, I will never forget it, that it was my fault that my Dad was dead. He died from the stress of having to deal with me and because of me, she was now all alone in the world.

Those words cut through to my very soul and I was literally sick to my stomach for days…

It took me years to finally realize that what she said to me was not true.

Eventually, I was able to move forward from that, but those paralyzing emotions I felt when she hurled that horrible accusation at me overwhelmed me to an almost numbed state for a very, very long time.

All I knew was in my mind, I had failed, again, to be a good daughter and now my mother hated me because I supposedly stressed my father out so much, that I killed him.

My heart breaks now for that young woman because I know what she had to live with and face after that.

I’ve never told anyone, until now, how devastated I had been and how crushed my soul was because of that accusation. I think I will always hate her for that.

It still hurts like crazy today when I think about it, even though I knew I wasn’t the cause of his death.

I hated myself for being a horrid person that only brought misery and death (evidently) to her family. But, life went on and I stayed ashamed and full of guilt.

I remember, thinking back to when my daughter was 10-11 years old, I was begging her almost, to not allow her Mamaw to come between us. I recall being almost frantic as I begged her to please not allow her Mamaw to take her away from me. I was almost begging her for real I remembered, thinking back. My daughter reached her little arms out and she then wrapped them around my neck promising me that would never happen. I still hear and see that instance, clearly in my mind today.

Now the tears are coming fast and furious, as I write this, because I know that little girl loved her mommy more than anything in this world. Later, I would feel that I let her down, the same way my parents let me down.

However, my mother’s shadow was all around us, watching and waiting to pounce if she felt my weaknesses rise. My mind back then stayed in a muddled and confused state. I was not doing any drugs during this time although I constantly accused of it. Her treatment of me kept me right where she wanted me. Anytime I felt strong and in control of myself and my life, she would knock the wind from my sails. Then she would complain that I was not responsible. She would put herself in front of my daughter as a “mother” figure, so I couldn’t be seen by my daughter in any given situation and my daughter would have no choice but to ask my mother for help instead of me. I would then try to get involved with my daughter and her life, and my mother would pounce telling me how unfit I was as a mother, maliciously adding that she was afraid my daughter would be ruined if I was the one in control of her.

Again, just her saying that, I was damned if I did, and damned if I didn’t…..

It wasn’t long after my Daddy passed away that I got together with my son’s father in May of 1998.

I was still so gullible and trusting and still exhibiting ADHD symptoms that had not yet been recognized in me. I had long ago stopped taking antidepressants because they weren’t helping and I didn’t like the way they made me feel. I decided that I would much rather deal with my own natural roller coaster, than a chemically induced one.

…..Part two will be published soon…..

💜💙 Thank you so much for reading, commenting and following 💚💛

… my SouL cries 💜 MY STORY ~~~ (part two of three)

( … continued from part one)

… When my son was 6 years old, I left his father. My daughter had been married for a few months when I finally left him for good. I had left many times before that but I always returned soon thereafter. I finally ended up staying in a domestic violence safe house for a few months in a nearby town (I never went back after that), trying to get my life back on track. Although I don’t think it had really ever been on track in the first place.

My daughter had given birth to my grandson three months after I had given birth to her brother. They came to visit us in the DV safe house and we were very close at this time in my life.

I still have problems remembering the exact timeline of events that transpired after I left the safe house.

I left the safe house after being in the safe house approximately six months, I believe, with my precious young son in tow and I returned sadly, once again to my mother’s house.

My mother wouldn’t allow me to move my young son in with us. This was one of her favorite ways of belittling me, by not allowing my son in her home. In her mind he was just like me and she couldn’t be bothered. I was stuck and saw no other choice but to let him stay with his Dad but I ached for him daily.

She will never know the amazing person she missed out on by dismissing her grandson from her life. He went to his dad’s to live with him and his sister on his dad’s side around 20 minutes away.

Although I missed him horribly, it’s better that he was never around my mother at all. She’d never really had anything to do with him anyway, so it was no loss for him. However, it almost breaks me when I think of that precious little boy who must have been so scared and missing his mama.

My mother couldn’t have cared less where my son was because she was to focused on being “large” in my daughter’s life so my daughter couldn’t “see”me.

Oh God, my heart hurts writing this…

My distorted and clouded brain made the life changing decision one day to go to our closest town. I just never went back to my mother’s until years later. I had run away, although it wasn’t planned. It was a stupid and impulsive decision (another symptom of adult ADHD) Impulsive actions like that are never very smart ideas but I had no social skills to realize how wrong it actually was. Now, when I left for town that way, I had no idea what I planned on doing, all I can remember was I had to get away from my mother. That was my main focus and I hadn’t thought passed that. I would regret that for a very long time.

I was clueless of the negative impact that impulsive decision would have on our future.

I was now officially homeless and I was very afraid, wondering what I had gotten myself into. I migrated to the “hood” and I adapted to street life rapidly because that was a necessity if you wanted to survive. I was going on fumes, not stopping to think about anything. I was afraid if I did, I would break down and cry and I already could tell you didn’t let the streets see you cry. That became habit for the next several years.

I’m not going to go into detail about my life on the streets (another blog post for another time) just suffice it to say that once on the street, I became addicted to crack cocaine within the first month. It was to become an incredibly hard life for me and that was even more proof that the impulsive decision I made to go to town that day was the wrong one, but I never guessed it would lead me straight into the flames of hell, and by then I was to powerless to stop or change it.

My son was with his Daddy when I ended up living on the streets and then he lived with his Daddy’s mother, his Meme. He was with family that loved him and that was more than I could offer him at this point. It crushed me to know this and accept that it was true but it was and I loved him enough to let him go. People just don’t get how damn hard that was for me. I missed him so terribly every single day, I missed him. I never stopped moving around for long because I would start thinking about him if I did and I would break down.

During this stage of my life, I didn’t see my son. No one told me I couldn’t see him, but I didn’t feel worthy to see him. I had gotten myself into something (the street) and had no idea how to get out of it. I felt like the biggest waste of life by this time.

Although the cocaine kept me going and numb, it couldn’t stop the sharp pains I felt when I thought about my kids. I had failed miserably as a mother, as a daughter, and as a human being, in my mind. I should be dead but there was no way I could kill myself because if I could have, I probably would have at this point.

I was eaten alive with guilt the entire time I was on the streets, that feeling was never numbed by cocaine, no matter how much I used. Believe me, I used enough trying to numb the guilt pain I felt. That mind and body crippling guilt stayed with me until this past year.

***Word of advice. Never make a decision out of spite!

Because, you will be screwed every time. Trust me. I left my mother’s home because I was sick of her feeding me negativity all the time and abusing me off things I wasn’t doing. I couldn’t stand to hear that I was a failure one more time so I left.

That decision cost me more than I would have ever been willing to pay. It cost me losing the life I should have had with my son. Not one day goes by that I don’t not think about this or get teary eyed and cry because I will suddenly just remember. It haunts me to this day. What if?

My son may never totally comprehend the horrible pain and deep loss I experienced, because of the decision I made that day to go to town, out of spite. He did; however, suffer an extensive loss himself later on and it was all my fault. He lost his mom and that gets me instantly crying when I think of it. I messed everything up, always 😢 I was conditioned to think this way, I didn’t want to but it was automatic.

I wanted subconsciously, to hurt my mother so she would hurt like I did, that’s why I believe I left. It backfired on me. I never consciously made the decision to hurt her because I didn’t realize I wasn’t returning. I just simply stated gone every day until I just never went back. But now, looking back, I was so naive in my thinking because I thought that surely she had to love me somewhere in her heart and if I left her, she would see how much she did love me and beg me to come back. Then, she would happily take me to get my son and let us live with her. I blows my mind now, that after all she put me through, that I still wanted to believe that she loved me. I still thought people had the same heart as I did. I was soon to find out, that was not the case at all. It would be a very bitter pill for me to swallow.

I’m not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me or for attention. I’m doing it for my own healing, because I matter and my pain matters and so my kids will have my story told to them, by me. They have heard my story by others thinking it was theirs to tell. My voice has a right to finally be heard!

I’m writing this so I can tell my kids how deeply I loved them when they were little, despite my many mistakes. I want to tell them how sorry I am for not being the mother I yearned to be in my heart. I wanted to tell them how wrong I was for not being there for them when they needed me, especially.

Once, I was off the streets, some 5 years later, my son came to live with me. It was a long and hard road for me to get there but I felt real good inside about myself for the first time, and I felt like a true “good” mother for the first time in my life.

We moved a few times during the next few years, but for a few years there we were really doing good.

Unfortunately, it was not to last …

💜💙💜 part three to be published soon 💙💜💙

💚💛 thank you for reading, following and commenting 💙💚

… my SouL cries … ❤️MY PERSONAL STORY (part three of three)

(foreword … continued from part two)

… One thing I neglected to mention earlier, was that my mother had come into money after my Grandpa died, as well as my Dad. My Grandpa had married a wealthy woman and all their money was being left to my Dad and to me. I was in my early thirties when Grandpa died. My mother had talked Grandpa into leaving the money that he was going to leave me, to her instead. She told him she didn’t trust me and that I was on drugs ~ which I was not, not at that time. He was in the beginnings of dementia so he wasn’t seeing her deceit. Bless his heart, he did what she requested and left it all to her. Three hundred thousand dollars is what he’d left to her, believing her promise to give it to me a little at a time when I needed it until I was 21. My two favorite aunt’s both told me the year after it happened, because I had no idea my Grandpa had any money to leave anyone. That was a big surprise to me. No one ever told me anything.

(part three … of three)

… Since I had been on the streets, I’d heard through the grapevine, that a girl I met while out there, needed help to get away from a violent boyfriend. Of course, I wanted to help, so I let her stay with me and my son while she decided her next course of action.

A few days before she came to stay, my settlement came through, and I picked it up from the lawyers office. I didn’t put it in the bank because I was going to spend it all on my cousins double wide trailer I was buying. So I hid it under my box springs, under my queen sized mattress. It was the older box springs that had little stair steps under the inside of them. I put the money that was in a bank bag, between those stair steps.

I had relapsed yet again a couple weeks before, for the fifth time and that pull it had, was definitely pulling me. I had a friend find me a dealer that would deliver to my house so I was not out on the roads. I wanted to be left alone so I smoked it most all by myself. My son was able to buy himself some cool new school clothes and other things he’d wanted. I was not so caught up that I wanted to spend all my money on drugs while during the times before, I didn’t care if I did or not.

My son had lived me through my entire addiction, and he knew what I was doing even before I realized it and trying to hide it. There would no hiding the fact that I was high on crack, because a drug like that is easily recognized once that pipe is hit.

My son knew but loved me anyway. To this day, I tell him he is my hero because he is the ONLY reason i didn’t seriously consider taking my life back then. I never seriously considered that in my life but it gave me an insight to how people could be in a certain place emotionally and would be able to do something like that to themselves. My son saved me from suicide and from relapsing again on COCAINE. He is my true hero forever. God gave me the best son ever, and I waved him to have all he ever dreamed. Especially since I was the cause of his dream being crushed.

It was a very scary and surreal realization. I thank God for my strong mind to this day or I never would have survived what I’d gone through back then. No one knows some of the horrors I endured but I had no one to blame but myself.

What had I done?

The girl I had promised to help and stay in our home was around for three days. The last day she was there, when she left with no word to either of us. She had taken my entire world with her and my son’s as well, only we weren’t aware of it at that time.

Nothing would ever be the same again, I was about to find out.

I recall vividly my son running into my room one morning, crying and mad because she had taken the money out of his billfold that he’d received from his Daddy. He had been saving up and he had 70$ but now it was gone, and so was she.

Once I realized the hard fact that they were both gone, a chill ran through my entire body.

Right then, in my gut, I knew that I had somehow messed up, by allowing this woman into my home for those few days. I ran to my hiding place, under the box springs and was horrified when I grabbed the money bag from where I had so carefully hidden it. The money, or dream house money, over 30,000.00 was gone!
In that instant my team cold and my heart sank, pounding in my ears and it made me feel as if I were going to pass out right there. I was more or less in shock. Why does this type of crap always happen to me when all I wanted to do was HELP someone out of a horrific situation I once been in myself. We were learning how cruel and mean people really were. Was everyone just a thief and only out for themselves?

I had just wanted to help her because I understood where she was at in her violent relationship. I thought people had the same heart as I did but this woman proved me dead wrong. Just because I helped her, that didn’t stop her from abusing me like so many others had done before her, including my parents. I figured it was just going to keep hairline to me but I wasn’t worried about me, it was my son’s crushed dreams I was over there top about!

I felt those old emotions and feelings come back. The ADHD symptoms weren’t as bad during my addiction because I’m guessing that the cocaine kept my feelings and emotions quite numb, so they didn’t appear as often when I was I using. I’m no professional, but it makes sense to me, that was what caused that to happen. It was all I could do to hold it together and to this day I don’t know how on earth I did.

I had to worry about my son at that point because he was so devastated that my heart broke into millions of pieces, watching and listening to him get angry, only for him to turn around and be crying for his loss. In my mind, I was his mother and I had neglected to protect him just as I was unable to protect my daughter years before.

I felt so utterly worthless and useless and just no damn good. I didn’t deserve to live as far as I concerned. I had to be the WORST mother than ever lived, why me and why my babies? I never tried to hurt anyone so why was everyone trying to hurt us? I was lost and no clue what to do or where to start.

I silently begged God to save my son from this pain, knowing that it was my fault that he was hurting and I was the one who deserved all the pain, not my baby boy.

Since I had no money after this cunning burglary, I could not pay rent, and two months later we were evicted from our home. During this time, my son had stayed several nights with one of his classmates.

I had nowhere for us to go. I was lost and confused, but I wasn’t doing crack anymore, so that was a plus.

Thankfully, a classmate of my son’s, told his mom what was going on and she came to me, offering my son a home until I could get back on my feet. Relief that God had answered my prayer hit me and I remember feeling so grateful for this angel of a woman, offering her family and home to help my baby.

God had already been working on my son’s behalf. I didn’t care about myself, I just was to be sure that he was going to be taken care of while my gut cringed up painfully, with the thought of being away from him. I cannot find the words to tell you how dark and alone I felt, not to mention what a worthless piece of crap I was for allowing this to happen to us.

So he now has a bonus mom and bonus brothers in his life. At that time I was so grateful that my son would not be homeless with me, I saw her as an angel God had given him. Although since then, she and I have had our differences but that didn’t really matter to me. She didn’t care for very much but all I cared about was that she loved my son. It wasn’t about me. What mattered most to me that she was helping my son and I was beyond thankful for them and for them accepting my baby boy into their life as “family”.

💜I tried harder than I ever tried before to get a job anywhere I could in my small hometown. Sadly, no one would consider hiring me because of my well known addiction problems. There was nobody that was willing to give me a chance. My son’s bonus mom seemed angry with me as time went on and I still had no job while in her mind, I should have been able to get a job regardless and that I couldn’t have been trying very hard. Would anyone ever believe in me again? Was I just meant to fall and hurt my children who I loved more than anything in this entire world?

I eventually had to move to the next town over, leaving my son to stay with his bonus family. I went the nearest homeless shelter because I was afraid if I stayed in my hometown, I would relapse once again. Above all else, I could NOT let that happen again. I had to show my strength for my son’s sake.

Years passed, and my son grew into a young man. I was never able to get any job steady anywhere, so we were probably never going to be able to live together as a family again. This was a sobering thought for me. I tried not to allow the guilt to harbor full force, but it took the reins anyway and did exactly that!

He stayed with that family that took him in when he had no other place to go until a few months ago. He is now planning on moving with his sister to Missouri to start a fresh life. Their Daddy passed a short time ago and they both need this fresh start. I’m gonna to miss him like crazy of course, but I wouldn’t hold him back for the world. He lost to much in his young life and I never wanted him to miss out on anything ever again. Especially, not because of me. He was better off without me I thought because all I seemed to do is hurt my kids. I could not fail this precious boy again.

My daughter has not spoken to me since 2015 nor has she let me see my grandkids. I don’t believe it had anything to do with the burglary situation but more to do with an online discussion we had on Instagram after I had moved to Longview, where I reside to this day. I’ve reached out to her countless times through email since she has me blocked on FB, only for me to receive a short response or no response at all. Well no response in being interested to get together and talk this out anyway. She is using the silent treatment on me and is very good at ignoring me. She sees me as someone who blamed others for my mistakes and that can’t be any further from the truth. She harbors a grudge longer than anyone I have ever known, except for her grandmother, my mother. She’s in contact with her of course and is my mother’s power of attorney.

There is a hole in my heart where her and the kids are supposed to be. I’m crushed because she refuses to acknowledge me anytime I ask her to talk this out with me, whatever the problem might be. Any correspondence I receive from her is vague and distant, short small talk if you will.

The problem is they I’m not sure why she’s not speaking to me. She hasn’t told me which leads me to believe believe she either doesn’t care or she’s waiting on me to figure out why by myself. I would just rather get together, hash it out and move on with our lives. What she’s doing now seems a lot like she’s playing games, making me sweat and paying me back.

She was speaking to me until 2015 and the only thing that happened after that was I was talking about my mother in a post that I had posted on FB, and she didn’t like that everyone could see it. Normally I’m not going to put it out there like that, but I had just been fed up that my mother always seemed to get by with everything and she would always make sure everyone knew I was the bad guy in her story, everytime.

Since I had been hooked on drugs and had mental issues earlier in my young adulthood, people believed anything she would say about me for the most part.

I’d had my fill, hence the post. All I can do is be here if she reaches back to me, and cry almost daily for the love of my little girl to come back. She’s grown into an amazing woman, and is an exceptional mother to two of my grandkids.

Lastly, my kids include one that I didn’t give birth to but she had my heart at the time. She was going through a lot in her young life and my heart broke for her. You could see the pain she was in but I felt so helpless to do anything. She wouldn’t allow me to. This other child, who I love dearly, is my bonus daughter. My son’s father’s daughter with his first wife. She has two girls that are precious and they are my bonus grandkids. She was 12 when I first met her and was quite the rebellious teen that had a bad attitude and acted out all time.

She didn’t like me at all from the beginning. I got frustrated with her from time to time but it was only because she didn’t listen to me. All I wanted to accomplish with her is that I wanted her to like me. She was my son’s sister and I wanted them to be close and I wanted a place in her life as well. It took years for us to become close to any degree, but she grew up from that rebellious young girl into a beautiful young woman that is an excellent mother, daughter and sister. They are my family. My son’s father’s entire family became my family, despite our rocky relationship and they are now the only family I have. My mother but to many years ago told me that I no longer had a family, they were her family, not mine. I was told to leave them alone, so I did. I’m referring to my mother’s side of the family. Not one of them ever tried to contact me after that, except one first cousin and her hubby that I still talk to regularly today.

I wish i could go back and change so many things but I can’t. It’s just so important for my kids to know exactly, how deeply I loved them back then and that I did my best with what I knew. I need them to know how much they mean to me and how much they mean to me now.

There’s an urgency inside of me, rushing me to let them know this. I pray one day that my daughter will forgive me and my prayer is that will happen before I leave this world. I’m at peace within myself and in the process of being at peace with God.

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❤️cheLLe❤️

💜💚 Thanxxx for reading, commenting and following 💙💜

Speculating Inside

Deep inside thoughts
Rampaging through my brain …
Darting here, there
and everywhere
Wanting to stop
them, yet they pull my chain …

Always speak your mind!

Stopping those recollections
however they won’t halt …
Insurmountable emotions
Cascade through my body
Withering down, as I realize
they are my own fault …

Ping pong reflections
Bouncing all around
my mind …
Holding them down
to see what they
have to say
is what I will find …

These particular thoughts
should never hit my intellect
nor stop in their guise …
Mastering them
and training them
will be the ultimate prize …

I’m right where I need to be!

There are my thoughts
and then those thoughts
that aren’t mine …
Prancing around
so deviously,
Weeding them out
from inside your brain
will be the tell tail sign …

Knowing yourself
becoming the master
of your time …
making those speculations
slow way down
in present,
Titillating you
until making them
a decisive prime …

Until the end of time …

Train your brain …

©chellesrawthoughts

❤️

😍Thank you for reading, following and commenting😘

Acceptance on Life’s Terms

Acceptance

This is not just for people in AA, this is to be read during ANY OF life’s challenges that are thrown at you.

The acceptance
of all my
problems
on this very day
and at this very time …
Because it’s not
just about
the hardest
uphill climb …

Acceptance

It’s difficult
to grasp
that I sometimes
just get distressed
because of
certain factors
in my life …
Some person,
place or situation
I’m finding
unacceptable
to me
All it is
causing is
a whole lot
of inside strife …

Acceptance …

Today I will practice acceptance

No serenity
for me
until I accept
the person,
place or
situation exactly
as it is right now …
because in
God’s world
there are
no mistakes
We have to
take the time
for life on
life’s terms
to allow …

Acceptance …

Our happiness
and unless life
on life’s terms
is faced
straight up
head to head …
My smile
would not be
happy it
would probably
be filled
with dread …

Happiness is a choice!

Acceptance …

My concentration
needs not
to be on
what needs
to be changed
in our world
no just
think hard …
It’s all about
focusing on
what needs to
be changed
on the
inside of us!
taking care so
that we are
not marred …

Acceptance …

Acceptance …
is the answer!

©chellesrawthoughts

Accept
Thank you for reading, commenting and following

Please LIKE the FB page I created titled STEPPING INTO RECOVERY WITH JESUS focusing on: recovery from drug and alcohol addiction, recovery from all life’s unique challenges, self-acceptance, life on life’s terms, and Let go and Let God.

Freedom is through self-acceptance

For You, Ace …

It’s driving me crazy
the way you
went out …
There has to be
more than one
who hurt
you so bad …
In my mind
there is
no doubt …
It has made
all of us
that cared
for you
extremely sad …

We miss you❣️

Finding you
was a huge
and major shock …
Seeing the
unthinkable
it blew
our mind …
Knowing now
what I’m not
supposed
to know of
how that
one devil
watched you
like a hawk …
when all
you were
doing was
being a friend
that was very kind …

I pray hard
that you
didn’t suffer
any pain
that morning
when you
were slain …
That’s questionable
at this point
I guess
because nobody
knows exactly
who was involved …
But this
I do know
is that we
will find out
so this that
happened to you
won’t be in vain …
All your
real friends
that are true blue
won’t stop until
your murder
is solved …

Rest in peace
my sweet friend
and know
that you
will be
dearly missed …
Those in the dark
have no choice
but to come
forward and step
into the bright light …
Those that
did you in
that early morning
did nothing but
throw in
an evil twist …
I’m very surprised
that’s they
didn’t receive
a lethal dog bite …

My heart hurts
for what
you must’ve
gone thru
that fateful
morning in
those wee hours …
You didn’t
deserve to be
beaten
until your
face was no
longer there …
The ones
that premeditated
that scene are
nothing but
a bunch of cowards …
You were
a good friend
to us all
and a friend
like that
is very rare …

Rest easy Ace
Until you are able
to rest in peace …
When the rest
of them
are finally caught
is when your
peace will start …
Their cries
for mercy
will not be heard
but they will cease …
Because we will be
praying with
all of our hearts …

That they
will spend the rest
of their life
behind bars …

God will make it
a point to do
and of this
I’m for sure …
But for now
we can see
you looking
at us
from behind
the beautiful stars …
We will
get justice
for you
my dear friend
of this to you
I will assure …

©chellesrawthoughts

Written by:
Melodie Michelle
04-11-2021

You are dearly missed ❤️

🛑STOP and LIKE Ace’s FB Page titled:. “In Loving Memory of Ace” and share it for JUSTICE AWARENESS FOR ACE! I THANK YOU ❣️

Continue reading “For You, Ace …”

Endless Thoughts …

Scattered thoughts,

Gleefully running

Intense flashes

Tiptoeing around,

quietly running,

away from the scrutinizing eye.

I can see each thought yet they won’t slow down long enough in order for me to look at them,

To see what they are.

Crashing isn’t far

… hyper isn’t far …

Finally,

Smoke, swirling around each thought separately …

to lay them down, once and for all …

Cradled,

Until the dawn of …

tomorrow.

Like my fb page that deals with Stigma related disorders and diseases …

❤️“ADHD depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the door”
💙 Thank you for reading, commenting and following 💜

Make your Soul Happy

Why isn’t there
more time?
Once we reach
a certain age …
more time
here with
our people
so that when
the time does come,
we will be turning the page …

Through the
birth of babes
and grands,
even great grands too …
Through many
failed relationships,
until I met my boo …

It’s kinda hazy
looking back
at my entire
life as a whole …
Bad decisions
and mistakes galore
cover my existence
but they never
touched my soul …

The time has passed
by so quickly
Seems like yesterday
when I was young …
Also, is when I finally
met my amazing
hero unsung …

I want to live
to be one hundred
and three,
continuing
to help others
if I can …
That makes me happy
to see others smile,
I know it’s part
of my life’s plan …

©chellesrawthoughts

Thank you for reading, commenting and following

🎸 rOCk candy QUEEN

You will find her dancing with the demons of addiction, heartbreak and pain – they know you will eventually give in to their strong demands once again – while you falsely think that they accept you – yet really they do not – … that’s just get you hooked so they are able to harass you relentlessly – down that vile path that you tried so hard to adopt … because by then – they are laughing at you – watching you – as you realize in horror – THAT YOU’RE UNABLE TO STOP …

🎸 rOCk candy QUEEN

Cajun

Wow

You are priceless
to me
Regardless of
what others may say …
It’s a real miracle
we both
became close
as we didn’t know
if the other would stay …

Wow

You are such an
awesome true friend
to me …
I am so dumbfounded
yet filled with
insurmountable glee …

Damn

You and I really hit it off
freaking both of us
out for real …
Not believing it
was possible
Only after going to God
did I kneel …

Wow

I never really knew
I could trust a woman
as a true blue friend …
I’m so in love
with our friendship now
to the utmost I will defend …

Damn

I truly am thankful
for you in my life …
because
Whatever the course
our lives take
We will be friends
long into the afterlife …

Wow

Thank you for being
an amazing true blue …
Unlike many others
I’m gonna stick to you
like glue …

Damn …


Written for my true blue friend Cajun
Who I love very much …

Melodie Michelle
©chellesrawthoughts

Oh, what tangled webs we weave 🕸️

Narcissists are all about themselves and they feed on the sometime reactions and weaknesses you unknowingly show … They will soon take away your

heart and your all around glow …

You try to understand Why they are treating you so mean … There is no reason except they can only feel whole after they condemn and demean …

The only explanation that thankfully makes any sense … Is the personality disorder in their defense …

The brand of NPD on top of their head … it’s the culprit you see, which causes them to stop focusing on you and focus on themselves instead …

They are soulless and to them you are only their source … They rarely care to please you sexually or beyond, to get rid of your soul is their number one, even though they feel zero remorse …

They suffocate you while draining you emotionally dry … It seems that all they ever do is keep you wound up so you cry …

At first the narcissist seems to be normal by view … sprinkling their negativity around while giving the devil his due …

Gaslighting games with their victimizing ways of crying big tears … causing pity to rise in you with all of your fears …

Depleted is how you will be in the end … Blamed for their troubles Please don’t be scared to let it stop the trend …

You feel that it’s completely all your fault … because they manipulate and use kind and precious words, and if that doesn’t work don’t think they won’t turn on you by using assault …

They cause you to think that you are going insane … because they are skilled automatically in running a game …

No contact is best for you after you leave … You deserve time to heal from their emotional deceit that they took the time to carefully plant their many lies of debilitating words designed to deceive …

They cannot feel or give love and after presenting you a fake persona to you it’s how they pull you into their shame … True colors will eventually come to the surface and shine causing you to dream of that fake mother fuc*er playing for keeps in his last exhibition game …

©rawthoughtsfromchelle

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💯 thank you for reading, commenting and following 💯

Baby I’m waiting for you 💋

My partner was arrested and sentenced to a year in the Texas state jail facility! It shocked us both but I told him that I would be there for him no matter what. I held him down for a year and twenty days. He didn’t lack for anything he needed and wanted and I was able to keep $$ on my cell phone so we were thankfully able to talk three to four times each day. This helped us both out so much!
He went in on August 6, 2019 and was released on August 25, 2020. I’d written him a succession of romance poems throughout his incarceration of which this one is the start!

Baby, I’m waiting for you 💋

That horrible day you were taken is engraved in my mind … I felt incredibly lost because you’re unique and one of a kind … they themselves should be arrested for that vicious crime …

I was so afraid to be alone … I had to calm down and set the tone … to be an adult more than I’ve ever shown …

it’s been almost two months now with seven more to go … every single day – for us both – I know that time creeps by ever so slow … you’re more precious to me now than you will ever know …

I cannot fathom life without you around, not anymore … Without you here daily creates the horrendous chore … of having to be strong deep down to my souls very core …

Being a grown up is just not my thing … I’ve just had to be since they took you away because you are my king … forever you have the loyalty from me that I will bring …

Silent tears threaten to roll down my face … I try wiping them away so there is no trace … I gather myself and stay in my own space …

Away from other couples that argue and complain … I smile to myself, thankful we are not the same … We get along so wonderfully, putting those others to shame …

I will hold on tight and never will I let go … Boo Bear 🐻 this you really need to know … my heart is yours, hold it gently and keep it under control …

Streaks of tears falling fast now, down my cheeks … I look up toward heaven and smile, not feeling so bleak … because God gave me to you and I’m no longer weak …

Seven more months, I would wait on you millions more … There is none like you anywhere, finding you was quite the chore … You are definitely and certainly worth waiting for …

Please LIKE the FB pages in honor of my partner!

💙 A Long way from Home – is a FB page I created in honor of my partner and him being incarcerated and the special challenges couples face during this time! Also the special challenges the partner faces as well! It is well worth the wait!
❤️ Finding your best friend and beyond – is a FB page I created in honor of my partner and in honor of what we share as a couple! It is an amazing relationship that I’m very thankful for!

💋 Thank you for reading, following and commenting 💋

To scared to pray

He is my world now,
my unsung hero
His depths
are amazing to me
a young woman’s
hope of a true man materialized – finally,
in my golden years
With the
patience of a saint
He carries my rebel ass
I’m not easy
and sometimes I am overwhelming – unknowingly,
of course,
My disorder
at it’s finest

But he breezes
through it
and calms me
down like a pro
at the same time …
Handling me perfectly,
and sincerely …
His character is
off tha chain
in every way –
in my eyes.
he truly
is my HERO –

he saved me
from drowning
and it
went unnoticed
by most
but he saw
right through me …
and cared anyway …
He looks
past my
unique issues
that will
never go away
and still makes
intense love to me
with amazing passion

It’s obvious to me
He finds me seXy
and I find that
really attractive

He couldn’t
make love to me
the way he does
and not
have feelings
for me
in some way
I “feel” his feelings
are ever so strong

and I know
it’s just right
no matter what!
He may
never admit it
but I already know.
I don’t have to
hear him say
any special
words to me
because I see it
clearly by his actions
and in his eyes …

That’s enough
for me
I’m not going
to change,
I’m going
to keep being me …
The real me
that he brought
out for the world
to finally see
I finally found ME

It’s a process
of learning
who I am
after not knowing
my whole life …
Love is a verb …
His actions
speak volumes
about his
true inner self …
He is a real man,
unlike any other
I have ever
met in my life.
I’m in awe
of him today …

We bonded
from day one
and I felt
a soul connection
Soul plus
excellent sex –
both of these
together make an UNBEATABLE combination … This is a
true warrior
soul showing me
my own worth …

He’s my
answered prayer
that I was
to scared to pray …
But God heard anyway … God gave me to him knowing that
I would love him
beyond all reason …
Please …
never take him
away –
Now, I always pray.

©chellesrawthoughts

Written by: Melodie Michelle Wood

respect yourself ❤️

The importance of respecting yourself is MAJOR … If you don’t respect yourself, no one else is going to!

You can respect yourself by doing respectful things for yourself and to other people by your actions and in your reactions to certain things and situations.

Even in the midst of conflict and you feel at the end of your rope, never quench  the feelings of respect inside your soul because, it will show outwardly and life struggles will pounce all over you.  Show it whether you feel it or not.  It’s very important as to how you are viewed by others. Not that I care what people think, I do however, want it to be seen that I hold a great deal of respect for myself. 



Respect yourself in ALL situations, not just “when you do good”! It’s in the dark times, when you feel broken and used that showing respect to yourself is important. Treat yourself well.There’s a difference in wanting to be seen in that way and just caring what others think.

Inwardly having respect shows outwardly and people will notice and feel it from the depths of your character. It will shine through from your very soul!

Isn’t this how you would like to be seen by the world? Isn’t this the way you want to feel inside? Let go and allow the real YOU to immerge and manifest outwardly into the person you see and feel inside.

Respect yourself through situations that aren’t very respectable. We all do things we shouldn’t, good people make bad choices every day.  People may hate on you because of this but don’t let them bring you down, never let them you sweat.


Those types have no respect for themselves, so they are unable to show respect for others.  By disrespecting you, it makes them feel better about themselves.


Acceptance (page 417 of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.  It isn’t just for recovering alcoholics or drug addicts, it’s for everyone. Read it it will make you think!)  for ourselves and others is key, 😄 because we all do things that aren’t worthy of respect, in the world eyes. Well we have to forgive ourselves and be gentle to ourselves, yet firm, in handling how we deal with the process!  It’s important for your character✌️Also, if you don’t respect yourself, no one else will.

The only thing I can tell you is to always hold your head high no matter what you’re feeling with in your personal life.

Show the world only what they need to see. Guard your heart as well because people will hurt you deep down in everyday life if you don’t.  This saves you from vicious attacks from haters around you. Remember hold your head high ~ always!

Tolerating disrespect in any relationship, will have the haters (sadly, sometimes these ones are closest to our heart…) thinking they can just treat you any way they want. Show them you know your worth.

😋 So never accept that type of treatment! It’s a matter of principle, character and self pride.



💕

DO YOU RESPECT YOURSELF UNCONDITIONALLY or do you struggle with this?

©chellesrawthoughts


Thank you for reading, commenting and following⭐

… the unknown …

I wrote this after I was told something very scary about my health and I didn’t want to die. I could’ve very well died but thank God that the tests came back negative!

This poem is what I wrote the weekend that I had to wait for the test that was to come back that coming Monday.

THE UNKNOWN

The UNKNOWN is killing me by not knowing … while the worst scenarios play out in my head …

I’m not ready to “leave”, I have so much left to do … Death waits on no one when it’s your time and that is why I’m afraid …

I’m afraid of not being remembered or worse, being remembered for all my mistakes and not my heart …

I want to make a difference and I’m afraid I won’t have time to show my kids that difference … in me …

They have never seen the real me inside that wasn’t clouded with drugs or emotional issues … I’m finally me now God, please don’t take me now … I just learned who I am and can show that around, but …

It’s the UNKNOWN that’s hell …

not knowing …

I can’t go through this alone, I already know … But how can I ask someone to be there for me … I’m lost and terrified of what MAY BE … it wouldn’t be fair but oh, I need you … my best friend and beyond...

Someone with my issues at hand seem to have little knowledge of what I think may be wrong or could be wrong, yet I don’t know exactly and that frightens me more …

Does that make sense?

I have never been so afraid as I am now because of what I know it COULD be. Please God, don’t take me away after I’ve just recently found, forgiven and learned to love myself … now that I’ve become free … please give me some more time here on Earth since I’ve been blessed worth this man you gave me too and I want to enjoy him – is this so wrong?

Allow me to do good and help someone … Please let me make things right with my babies … I’m begging you.

Please let my children see the me they haven’t ever seen and see that it is a good me … That’s all I ask …

For my babies to see, that I’m not what I’ve shown, that my love for them has only grown. I need them to know, without a doubt, they are my heart. I need them to know how I’ve thought about them every second I’ve been away from them.

God wouldn’t have shown me all the things He has recently, just to have me perish now. That’s what I tell myself, but …

It’s the NOT knowing that is killing me …

Terrified … I can’t handle this on my own if it’s not good news,

What to do? I don’t want to be a burden but I will need someone to lean on. (Not just anyone) Is that going to be okay, my mind asks?

I can’t talk to many about it so I get zero support where others get all they need. I wish that was me … I don’t want to push him away because he’s all I have … I need him to stay and to be with me, IF …

I have no one else and if it’s bad news … I just know being alone is not for me, not with this. I don’t want to be a pain but I’m gonna need the one I hold dear … That’s not a lot … Will he be there and my babies – will they care …

If I just KNEW, it wouldn’t be the UNKNOWN …

©chellesrawthoughts

Afterthought: If you have ever been afraid of ANYTHING unknown (dying, a chronic illness, etc.. ) then this post is for you! I totally understand your struggle.

💚 Thank you for reading, commenting and following 💜

Why

foreword: Let me first explain how this particular blog post poem was born. It was early in our exclusive relationship and I had mistakenly believed my BFAB (Best Friend and Beyond) had lied to me. Later on I figured out that I was completely wrong and he’d never lied to me but I had already written this to him. I was so thankful I had been wrong …
05-03-19 revised

Why?

Of all people … me! I’m broken beyond recognition …

Why?

You crushed my very soul …

Put out my fire and hurt me in places

I didn’t know existed …

You hid something from me …

Why?

I just don’t get it 😭

That cuts me more
Than the possibility of you
replacing me in your life which that scares me to the horrible depths

Of my fucking heart … You hid it from me!

Why?

I thought that I gave you the best of both worlds … Only asking to be exclusive intimately …

I’ve backed off as much as I possibly could with you seemingly pulling away from me every day …

I felt that and was afraid …

Why did you hide that from me …

Are you pulling away thinking I am like the rest in your past – testing me as such …

I long for you to just enjoy hanging again …

I gave my heart to you and all

I expected was loyalty in return …

But you had to go and hide that. I’m devastated …

Why?

Loyalty and respect went out the window when you hid that from me …

I know I’m hard to love and maybe even like but before now there was never a problem …

Why don’t you like me anymore because I feel it and it is ripping my heart into shreds …

How did I deserve to be

disrespected so bad …

To my very bones, I am hurt because you felt you couldn’t show me what you hid …

Why!?

Why?

You despise liars and thieves …

People that pull out moves like that …

That is what I don’t understand …

How could you treat me like so lowly …

Me, who would do anything in this world for you, you treat like I never mattered at all …

Unless for another and you don’t want to say because of whatever reaction you think I may give …

But damn … you hid that away from me, unnecessarily. That’s what made me feel, there was something to hide …

Am I just that dumb?

why?

I want us to stay like we are … I need you in my life …

You know I will never ask you for what you cannot give …

Your more important to me than I ever realized, and I figured that out when you pulled away …

I don’t think I can make it every day without you …

I’ve grown used to our sex, and our deep but open friendship, or is that all just felt on my side …

then i think again about you felt that you had to hide something you knew I’d notice and be hurt inside and also to wonder, will I ever be able to let you go if you so choose …

Had I been wrong

… To let you in …

I will give you any thing you need.

Please stay

Losing you would not be good for me …

However I need you to be completely honest with me, no matter if it hurts me or not …

I don’t want to bother, if that is gone …

Please stay with me and….

then the reason you hid …

Well at least, maybe you will finally tell me and

I will know why …

❤️

I just found out …

You have not hid …

Perhaps you had fears of getting to close or simply were sick of me being around …

… because I know now… You will never leave …

My hopes were finally right! You’re not going to leave me alone

©chellesrawthoughts

❤️ Thank you for reading, commenting, and following ❤️

LIKE my FB page honoring my Bfab (Best friend and beyond) and what we have in our relationship! I’m so blessed to have him as a partner!

bitCh watCh ouT fOr me …

This post was written after I found out a young woman was found out too be talking about me and things close to me and she didn’t even know me at that point. I was so angry that I wrote this ghetto poem to her. She never read it bc I thought she was my friend and later on I thought I’d just misjudged her. Unfortunately, I hadn’t misjudged her bc she was toxic, more toxic than we all ever knew. Here’s my poem

bitCh watCh ouT fOr me …

Why are you attacking me …

because you have no damn right …

we are aqaintances at best and just to run your mouth about me when you have no fukkkin clue …

I just want you outta my FUKKKIN sight …

When I tell you that your fukkkin with the wrong bitch …

That’s an understatement you better heed my words …

Because I’m not the one baby girl to mess with like that …

you ain’t gonna know it yet but I’m sure you’ve already heard …

Women like you give females a bad name …
I will fukkk your world, make you cry and call you out …
You have never seen the likes of me and won’t ever see any the same …

You think your cute with your ugly looking ass …

I shake my head and laugh out loud because haters like you are so jealous …

Wanting to be me instead …

smmfh (shaking my MF head) 🤔

My name best not flow from your mouth not once more …

It’s not a threat it’s a fukkkin promise …

I’m not afraid of anyone at all …

I have survived bigger and badder than you …

you and your life are insignificant and you are regarded as small …

You don’t want this bitch inside me unleashed …
bet that little girl …
I’m not the type for drama or fake ass hoes …
No because do or die … I’m gonna live in peace …

It’s time to pray for your emotional well being and your pride …

Don’t play dumb it doesn’t suit your look …

You started this – deciding it was best to talk about me …

your stupidity amplified …

Watch over your shoulder …

underestimate me if you choose …

Better not let your guard drop …

I’m giving you all the clues …

To stay away from me and my name and my life … don’t think I won’t cut you with a knife …
all of that needs to be away from your lips …
Pray hard little girl because I’m old school hood …
It’s gonna be a MF trip …

Haters like you make me STRONG … around town your character has been shadowy and wrong …

IDC if you like me or not …

but bitch when I come for you …

imma take away your pride and what little sanity you got …

No threats it’s just true …

I knew your true colors would eventually come out to stay …

Females like you are a dime a dozen, bet that …

Now little girl is your time to pout …

I’m damn sure not afraid …
even at my age …
to fight you like a man …
and now I see why your man cheated on you …
you don’t want to fukkk with me during my rage …
bet that – wassup …

Watch out for me little girl …

I know how to play the violin with my hands …

You may need a serenade one night … while you see me circling…

causing you to hurl as you sink into the quicksand ….

Beware I’m just fukkkin crazy enough …

to fukkk your world and I’m not gonna stop …

I’m old school so you will never see … anything that would make me scared, so come on now chop … chop …

Bye bye bitch because …
your stupidity shows along with your fakeness …
What did you expect when all I heard you can do is call the fukkkin laws …
I’m cool like that …
bringing it to your awareness …

You are trite, stupid and just plain mean, talking about me and I’m sure everyone else …

You say your guy cheats on you and I see why …

Be concerned with your own overgrown fat funky ass look …

it don’t a genius to see that you’re an addict and you’re hooked …

Bye bye bye I’m feeling better than I was … Bitches like you ain’t nothing to me …

and that is just because …

You ain’t right YET damn I’m free!!!

©chellesrawthoughts

summary

This was written after a hater told someone crap about me … When she doesn’t have a clue about me does not know me … because if they tell one person fake crap about you they will tell another the same … She’s disrespectful, weak, cowardly and gonna be bait because I’m gonna take her down it’s in her fate …

💁Thank you for reading, commenting and following🙌

Wisdom is gold

(revised 10-08-19)

Wisdom comes with life’s experiences as well as with age … Be ready – to be thoroughly amazed …

Hold onto wisdom like it is pure gold …

watch her as she breaks the mold …

Helping people who’ve been struggling is a sign of wisdom on your part … letting them know all the pitfalls in getting there was truly very smart … helping especially, despite your inner pain … when you have knowledge of yourself it is one huge gain …

No more holding things inside or trying to cover things up … although the majority of people are corrupt … they won’t allow you to see them from the inside …

Facing your fears not running from them … with wisdom and you on this knowledge ride

Wouldn’t that be an amazing sight … … Just knowing what you feel is right as rain …

No question …

Before or after your thoughts turn mundane …

thoughts were coming left as well as right …
Circling around me … hovering over … as if experiencing a major plight … Not stopping so I could see …

Clarity … I need clarity …

Wisdom should be loyal with huge doses of respect times ten …

Emulating from others as well as from within …

clear thoughts falling down around you,

And in those moments, you have to reflect … blurred recollections are certainly cause for reject …

On how precious wisdom truly is … regardless if it’s any of your biz … contemplating your main thoughts instead

Did I really find wisdom you may have said …

Bad decisions and good alike … are going to happen to all of us and others on sight …

Caused rivalry between the best … And you’re in a test …

unknowingly …

I’m glad wisdom found me the older I became …

It snuck up on me so quickly …

Looking for it so hard that I became quite disdain …

Not knowing how to handle her in my strange ways …

It was hit and miss for quite some days … Never giving up, holding onto the hope … coveting wisdom in her entirety …

On her curvaceous slopes… Once you know that … know you can never turn it around to help with unwanted anxiety …

Wisdom has your heart so full …

making your home so warm … causing your heart to be full with laughter floating out from the windows while

happiness and smiles coat with her charm …

Life seems different once wisdom is here and as you know… Wisdom is precious and she is solid – she’s just pure gold ❤️

© chellesrawthoughts

⭐ thank you for reading, commenting, and following ⭐

Perpetual madness of the mind

This post was written during a horrible time in my life and I’d just descended to the lowest low ever and I couldn’t stop it! I suffer with untreated and unmedicated ADHD and have my entire life. I’d just found this out when this ADHD depression hit me hard. This is inside an ADHD brain during ADHD depression. Thank God I came out of it and I haven’t experienced it since and it’s been three to four years ago!

Perpetual madness of the mind

I feel lost …

Alone…terribly alone …

Fighting back is getting old …

I’m ready for someone to take my hand, telling me I’m not alone. Tears drop silently down onto the chilly, dark night ground.

I’m so cold inside my soul, shivering through to my bones. I try to concentrate in hopes this apprehension calms down inside. It’s not a physical cold, it’s from the inside out.

Shaky inside from my head to the tips of my toes, my feet, sludging along, as if in quicksand, my brain hurts, throbbing into the secret parts of my very soul.

Heinous taunts come from the thoughts that aren’t mine, making this world seem unfeeling, not giving me any consolation. Making me stay in this miserable place. No matter how I fight, I cannot leave.

I’m not fully depressed, that’s the whole thing. This crazy disorder I’ve dealt with forever is the culprit and stress only magnifies the intensity of the anxiety, depression and ADHD blackness.

After this feeling leaves, I simply brush it off and go on. It lasts so long; however, I’m always grateful when it’s gone.

Feeling wrung out from the energy it takes to go through what I’ve described above.

I’m just pleased it’s over, for now anyway, but knowing it will return again soon enough …

I cringe …

I can handle the hyper moments because I’m at my most creative during those exuberant times!

I won’t sleep for days at a time and I write, write, write my little heart out.

It’s almost like I’m on drugs, it’s euphoric almost! I almost don’t want meds for it because of these “high” times.

No, it’s these moments as I related above, that pitches me straight into the pit of hell. The hopeless, dark, cold and lonely world.

The stronghold is real and harrowing, nevertheless you will feel as if it will never end …

… infinity …

I can certainly see how some want to die to get out, yet my soul would never let me take myself away.

It will last as long as “it” decides and I’m stuck, riding those crashing waves. Holding on for dear life, as they beat me down, struggling to keep my thoughts mine.

Slowly it happens, and when it’s over, I go back to ordinary things but I know before long, I will be transported back to the blackness.

God does, thankfully, look out for me during these nosedives into hell, otherwise I know I would never be released.

©chellesRAWthoughts

❤️“ADHD depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the door”

💜 LIKE my Facebook page that focuses on stigma related disorders, illnesses and diseases.

⭐ For help with ADHD depression click this link and they will help you find help with ADHD mental disorder in your area.

Click here to take the test to see if you are suffering from ADULT ADHD.

💙 thank you for reading, commenting, and following 💚

cOmpLeteLy me 👠

foreword: This post touches on people’s hurts and the walls they put up after being hurt, whether it’s emotionally or physically ~ when this happens they usually shut everyone out, especially if they have been hurt time and again, but if they are blessed, they have that one person who they let in … A lover, friend, sibling, etc … In my case, it is my best friend and beyond ~ my soulmate … I hope this brings hope that even though people suck … Don’t give up on finding one that you can 100% trust!

cOmpLeteLy me 👠

People mistakingly believe ~ thinking they know me, because of what I show ~ it has to be true ~ they love to gossip and make fun … while passing judgement on what they see and think they know ~ but all they REALLY know, is what I show … because BITCHES I’m in control …

I’m so much more than they can see … Never can I allow them to see …

💄… COMPLETELY ME …👠

I made the mistake when I was so young ~ to trust a little to easily … I learned quite fast that people suck ~ that’s why there’s but one that cared enough for me ~ to go through the darkness and slay the dragons for me …

So ~ he’s the only one I can show the real me … Because always with him I’m …

👠 COMPLETELY ME …💄

It pains me deep inside that some see me ONLY as a bitch, a slut, no good, lazy, stupid, a problem, a burden or they think I just don’t care …

… when …

✏️All I do is care … not what people think so much … but care that I’m seen for MY heart … not MY mistakes …

… I cared to much and years ago that almost broke my soul …

📓And still now … I care … But the hardness I learned to use to cover it up … Masks me now, so …

… THEY CAN NEVER SEE …

👠 … COMPLETELY ME …💄

I was hurt to much by fake souls acting like they should be close to me … They ruined it for all with one exception you see ~ my tough exterior will never show them what I don’t want them to see ~

… they will never see …

💄 cOmpLeteLy me

They don’t have permission to see, the complete me or the me I was always supposed to be … I’m NOT GOING TO ALLOW THEM ~ TO HURT ANYMORE OF ME … There’s only one allowed inside of me ~ just so he can see and that’s my soulmate that’s free ~ free to see EVERY part of me ~ because always with him I’m

💄 … COMPLETELY ME …👠

The hard exterior I acquired
… in order to be … came at a heavy price you see … so the softness inside … could not be crushed one more time in me …

⚡ Because … I only show them what I want them to see …

Because I’m so much more than anyone is allowed to see … They do not deserve to see … the me that I was supposed to be … only what I want them to know is what I show …

because BITCHES I’m in control 💪

it’s all about him being able to see … since he’s number one with me … Because always with him I’m …👣

👠 … COMPLETELY ME …💄

Not many have made it past the hardness that’s shielding me ~ only a handful in reality ~ because only a few deserved to remain with me … because they can hang with me and be loyal to me and those who can’t …✏️ they can never see … the me I was always meant to be … The main population indeed … was never going to deserve ~

👠… COMPLETELY ME …💄

I can be sensitive, sweet, stubborn, goofy, quick to forgive, discerning, and even sometimes afraid … The last few came with time and deep pain …

📓 Shouldn’t I show only certain parts of me … that the hardness hides inside me … But it won’t change the fact ~ that I won’t allow any to see … The me that I was truly meant to be …

But ~ always with him I’m …

COMPLETELY ME …👠

Others see bits of what I permit them to see … So, call me names or talk bad about me ~ because although I do care ~ never will you see … the reality of me … To be able to get past and inside of me … because there is only that one ~ that is free to see ~ because always with him I’m …

💄… COMPLETELY ME …👠

THERE’S JUST SO MUCH MORE TO ME THAN I ALLOW ANYONE TO SEE …

Only my best friend and beyond is free ~ to hang with me …🕶️

… people pretend to care and it’s plain to me ~ it’s for heartless reasons you see …

… that no one cares …⚡

… because of greed and jealousy ~ however in reality ~ no one really cares about you nor do they care about me … unless by magic and grace … true angels appear to me …

Those precious few that stick close … are the ones that you don’t have to fear and you shall allow them to be ~ keepers of the keys to your soul indeed ~ so the the fake ones won’t see ~ so never again will I show anyone but him … Because …

… always with him I’m …

👠 COMPLETELY ME …💄

Those angels are rare … Don’t let them go … hold onto them tightly ~ Mine are precious to me ~ my angels … They are down for me ~ Those angels are very few you see and there’s only one that can ever see …

💄… Completely me …👠

If you don’t know me ~ and all you see … is a mask hiding a big part of me … Don’t be surprised because indeed you won’t need ~ to actually see ~ the me that I’m supposed to be …

Once you care enough to climb over my walls and dig in with me … I’m loyal to mine … and when they’re loyal to me …

That’s when they will see …

… COMPLETELY ME …💄

©chellesrawthoughts

👠 thank you for reading, commenting, and following 💄

🎸 rOCk candy QUEEN

FOREWORD: This poem gives you a unique insight straight into a crack/cocaine addicts sOuL (your sOuL iS made up of your mind, your will, and your emotions) and the most intense death grip hold that this evil drug has on them. Also, what level of mental power that it takes you inside to be completely free from

crack/cocaine as well as showing you what it takes to become a SURVIVOR OF ADDICTION

🎸rOCk candy QUEEN

Years ago my thoughts go back to that horrific time where she was fun to hang out with … that evil cousin to the white ladyshe knew how to make you feel good and keep you intrigued …

… IN THE BEGINNING …

… yet … you kept going back for more and more … not realizing she was completely out of your league …

she became more fierce with her touch as time moved on – she revealed no heart and no soul to no one … it was considered quite the phenomenon …

know this …

she can turn your heart away from your own self because she does not play, because she gains … as well as turning your loved ones away and she will not stop until your soul is in chains …

clutching you tight … knowing you can’t break free … you’re stuck outright … in bondage to the queen of rOCk CanDy – the evil cousin to the white lady indeed …

You will find her dancing with the demons of addiction, heartbreak and pain – they know you will eventually give in to their strong demands once again – while you falsely think that they accept you – yet really they do not –

… that’s just get you hooked so they are able to harass you relentlessly – down that vile path that you tried so hard to adopt … because by then – they are laughing at you – watching you – as you realize in horror –

THAT YOU’RE UNABLE TO STOP …

Like a robot and a puppet you move to her beat … like a good master – she pulls easy then real hard on your puppet strings – pushing your soul … while you chase that next hit – as she heartlessly brings – you way down – to hell’s fiery pit …

… Teasing you mercilessly – is one of her many sick treats … just as the hit that you raced for … finally connects inside your brain … causing you to feel such a major relief – you feel it straight down to your core – making you feel like you will never hurt again forever more …

… yet …

… you’re still wanting more and more and still yet more – until she senses your fear, forcing even the devil himself to scream … “go on you’re worthless – just get the hell outta here”

… then sadly, as you cower down – what does all of this prove – your wondering because you’re still –

… in the COCAINE mood …

… knowing full well …

… it’s not enough – it’s never enough anymore … your always miserable, sick, scared, depressed, strung out and dazed …

… and you just can’t stop …

… because when you think about that cloud of white smoke just passing you by … your body constricts in pain, your brain aches and … with a brutal force that’s dragging you down once again – your body and mind is strained …

… you sink way lower than you ever wanted to go – to stare straight at the queen of rOCk CanDy – whose waiting for you to pay what she thinks you owe …

… and rOCk CanDy will have no problem – numbing your emotions and your mind … so you aren’t clear enough to make any decisions at all … it’s no wonder that she’s more than just a tiny bit surprised …

… when you actually take a stand …

against her and once she senses your newfound strength – she then squeeze’s your sOuL so hard you can’t breathe …

she’s holding you snug – in her cold yet intriguing hand …

“Do you think you can play with me” … she laughs at you instead …

she also whispers in your ear telling you what you want to hear … just to keep you disheveled and mislead …

… and once she has your emotions shredded and your mind feel quite lost … you are once again locked away deep inside – while your sOuL pays the cost …

… you tell yourself how stupid it was to let that white bit*h – so damn deep in your mind … you had no clue that was going to be your hardest damn uphill climb …

She will fight you like a man, ultimately kicking your ass – so it may seem – but you NEVER GIVE UP and you show this queen … you don’t back down from this white cu*t – the infamous and lethal …

… the eviL … the rOCk CanDy queen

… If you keep fighting and DO NOT stop …

she WILL have no choice but to weaken her grasp and then you can quickly run away and …

… then … gradually …

… one day she will stop chasing you and realize that your not worth her time, so she will find another weak sOuL – to commit her hellish crimes.

she will take them by the hand and lead them along that same horrific path … that leads straight to the nightmare place – right to the front door and straight into hell – introducing them to the evil cousin to the white lady – the queen of the rOCk CanDy jaiL

… during this release … you may fall and stumble around – fall off cliffs and possibly drown – in the turbulent waters racing away – she’s known to come looking … so fall to your knees and pray …

… that relapse will miss the mark then she won’t be able to locate you in the dark …

… especially with her tempting you … make sure you do not betray but just in case you slip from the path of complete abstinence – just get back up … put yourself back on the road …

and stay …

… don’t get discouraged – pick yourself up and dust off those stains – that the queen of rOCk CanDy forcibly made … strive once more until you get it right … don’t ever allow taunts and hurtful words make you give up without a fight …

Relapse just means you won’t stop striving to quit … it’s tough and unfriendly … remember she isn’t going to give up on you … not one bit …

… so …

Don’t allow anyone to bring you down with rumors or snobby looks – they don’t have a clue … as to what heLL you have been through – with this evil cousin to the white lady … who is the rOCk CanDy queen … realize that if you aLLow hershe will keep hounding you as if y’all were still a team …

… ultimately

she has a diabolical plan to KILL you …

… dark depression …

… hateful voices whisper in the wind … evil beings that harass you … they are not your damn friend – beware of your mental health taking a turn … she will scratch you and then bite you – seemingly diminishing you – before you can learn … that this rOCk CanDy queen is a bitCh that stands firm …

her job is to jumble your thoughts and make you see through a blurry haze – your vision and mind so distorted that any decision you make will for sure be crazed …

addiCtiOn is only a symptom that masks the underlying root cause … You need to gather all your strength and please take a much needed pause …

… and …

… you stop being so nice to her

“STOP LISTENING TO THAT BIT*H … GET MAD and with all your strength … face your fear and stand up in her face … as you recall all the things she lied about throughout the past several years… taunting you with your fears while teLLing you that you’re a disgrace … remember you almost lost your life behind her evil lies … stop listening to her before you die” …

… let that rOCk CanDy bit*h hear you as you scream at her that “SHE’S JUST THE DEVIL IN DISGUISE” … you tell her off and curse her out – “JUST REMEMBER WHO THA FU*K YOU ARE” … and do yourself a favor by taking a brand new route …

… that leads away from the door – at the entrance of hell – in the opposite direction that will allow you to prevaiL –

previously – way before that white bitch stole our dream … I told myself I couldn’t smoke that rOCk … little did I know that years later her and I would become quite the team …

… no matter what – keep holding your head up high – keep moving forward – find that deep down determination – find out how you can love yourself more – more especially through – the many dark dreary days … that may certainly overcome you … because, trust me she will be keeping score …

… and guess what? …

… one day the harrowing relapses will halt – she soon will realize that she’s FINALLY locked in the past … don’t let her define you – remember too that people will talk, scorn and laugh …

… but just you hold fast to your dream and remember the pain when she took away all those many years putting on you ALL of the blame …

… “STOP … KEEP GOING” – you’re doing just fine … give yourself a smile because once and for all you take charge of the main design … finaLLy you managed to beat that damn queen – the cousin to the evil white lady who still is

… the rOCk CanDy queen

Keep striving, sweating, straining while you also remember that rOCk CanDy jaiL

It’s been a bittersweet journey after turning away from the front door of hell …

… If you are an addict – using ANY drug that’s taken over your life –

… REACH OUT because I want you to know this: I saw a level of addiction that most hard core addicts don’t see and they don’t know exist –

… you DO NOT want to be there because the only way out … IF YOU STAY IN DEFEAT … is going to be a horribly long life behind bars or worse – Death is waiting to take you to the front door that leads into hell so you can hang out with the the queen and the devil himself …

… you are NOT – trust me – your not ready for that … not when it means staying in the rOCk CanDy jaiL …

©chellesrawthoughts

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

if you or someone you care about is a crack cocaine addict – or hooked on ANY drug – this link to help for alcohol and drug addiction will help you find the help you need in your area.

🚥 read about crack/cocaine addicts – these are their stories .. get help!

⭐ Like my Facebook page about addiction for support!

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💕 where does the love 💕 go? revised 04-21*

Having so much love inside and no place to place it – as it hits hard – overwhelming and overpowering – you realize you’re not going to quit – you can feel the void of where the love was supposed to be go if he’d only permit … That void hurts a million times more than not having somewhere safe for your love to be placed … I will finally admit …

The dark hole does still ache, tremendously and deep – inside of my chest … Paralyzing, way deep down inside – yet numb – from the stark realization that there is nowhere close for me to lay – the love that continuously grows …

The void he has is still there, I feel it with fear and he’s blocking the place and making it hard to find that part of his heart where the love cried to go – him repeating he needed his space …

He lives almost an hour away 😢 so I don’t see him as often as my heart would okay … holding me at a distance … unknowingly I think … couldn’t he see we were completely in sync …

Day by day he gets further away from that secret space, He dives straight into that void and it’s deep in his heart … not wanting anyone to know of this place …

Nevertheless, my ache has kept on, sadly aware and realizing there’s nowhere at all, in such a place, for my love to be accepted and given, without losing face …

The ache grows stronger for the love that it’s missed – gut wrenching pain – hurting so bad – slicing straight to my heart that feels as if it may have been dismissed …

That void in him longs to be filled … I see this it’s true – regardless of his fear that my love will get loose and then will depart … like the others – sneaking away … while he’s doing his part …

What he needs to know is that I’m here to stay and we can have what’s deep in both hearts … it’s not included with those shades of gray …

It’s really quite painful when the fear of never having him begins … ever so slowly until the crescendos wear thin … up past the very ceiling that shields you within …

It’s a horrible ache stabbing into my soul … making it leave is my one true goal …

I can promise you, right from the start … I will never depart because it’s worth it to me from the tale of two hearts …

In some ways it halts the love that’s patiently waiting … just to be placed … I understand he doesn’t want it to be in haste … I know there’s love for me in that guarded heart … it’s okay because I already know before he tells me that part …

Tears fall for the love that is right in your face … by wanting to be noticed so much I may break … that makes it impossibly difficult for my love to be placed …

It’s the distancing he does that can be felt in a flash … he neglects to acknowledge any one certain fact …

The love he silently craves … is hiding within but he keeps it so far away that it can’t begin … away from his heart yet she still needs a place … that her love can lie so it won’t just wither away and die …

In his mind he may ask while in his own space … Is it plausible that this secret love has a face? …

is it this best friend that has always been here for me … I’m surprised she hasn’t tucked tail to run and flee … she has told me that she really does love me … maybe she’s waiting on me to see

I yearn to bond with his mind like before and our intimacies that would blow me away so far …

… out in space … and that would keep me screaming his name all over the place …

I felt his defenses spring up from his core … from a secret place deep within him … a place that my heart would love to explore …

Does he feel his void and my crushing ache, while hurting so bad …

… simply because my love craves to be placed …

He used to radiate the thought that my love was approved … simply because he didn’t run … the entire time that he knew …

He seemed to good to be true and I see that in every special thing for me that he’s done … I’m over the top that he’s my boo … it’s not a coincidence that this has begun …

Love tries to escape from the depths of my core … to rush to the void and quickly fill his heart which I adore …

… only finding distance … which makes my love turn around … knowing how priceless our bond that we’ve found … silently begging his beat up heart … not to leave me and not to depart …

… with deep labored breaths that seemed forced from my lungs … yet the void silently warns me that our relationship’s quite young … the void that he has secretly aches … but my love he appreciates so I know sincerely that he wants it to be placed …

The way he makes love to me is wild and off tha chain … it would damn near keep me from being able to maintain …

He would stare at me with such an intense look … his eyes held me prisoner and I became hooked … while doing incredible things to me with no shame … not wanting it to end, this fire we’ve flamed …

It’s all about him … conquering his fear … despite all odds he sees this pretty clear …

that all women are playing games … he’s assumed that I must be the same …

Well, that’s not true and I’m sitting right beside you with no bad remarks … now you see the bond that was shared deep down in both hearts?…

She’s craved it to be … inside of her most secret place … but past demons appear to fill his void right in his face …

… instead …

… doing nothing but making his heart fill with dread … that’s why he feels there’s no room for my love in his head …

… wanting him to report … NO it wasn’t true … yet he believed it so much … it was hard not to misconstrue … being cemented and concreted just because of past little trusts … oh how he silently wanted it all so much …

It will … eventually … haunt him while causing him to wonder yet … Is her love really true … not wanting more than I’m able to give?

All that love I have way deep down inside … waiting to be placed somewhere for my love not to hide …

I have all this love for you bursting inside, away from your doubts in order for your heart to allow me inside …

Letting you get way deep into your stride, trying not to collide with your need for space … while way deep inside, of my secret place … where I’m holding this love that is turned on by you and with an ominous ache … is his void is so huge?

Since the love that I hold onto HARD yet deep down inside, while knowing that it’s not allowed to be placed … but know that I’m also going to try …

He’s protecting his spirit and I can relate while mine, can conquer and divide the demons that harass and take place, causing him keep it from my love that’s shown in his face.

Yet he’s scared to release that small secret place where he let love come close – but he didn’t give place, harboring things that would have made others break.

He then showed me the side of his hero part to, he’s so brave and so strong –

I hear me now and I’m crying for you…

Moving robotically, day by day and shuffling through all the mess in my way.

The weight of that ache, settled deep in my mind, wishing hard and praying loud, screaming for that love to please be found.

Then, maybe his heart will come out and see, that my love needs to fill, that void and him not flee.

With him not wanting it, yet sensing he wanted it so, his heart could be healed by allowing a path for true love to grow. God had surely set them up to meet and get close inside his heart. His spirit had spoken up and with that pic in his mind, damn all of the sudden, he turned from me and groaned, then he closed himself off to the trails of my mind.
I’m holding on, with all of my might, slightly frantic it seems because I don’t want this fight. I want everything to remain the same, with our hot sexy times and yet I still need to know, “are we still exclusive deep down in your mind?”,

…all the while knowing, there’s no room in his heart, for him to be mine.

I knew from the start that I would probably get hurt … deep down to the very core of my heart … He’s that precious to me to have in my life, that he’s keeping his distance doesn’t change the want I have …that’s way deep down in my heart.

Just remember, it all started with his void deep inside, where my love wanted to go and lay down to reside. He’s held me in his strong arms, no fear that I can see, he makes everything negative stay away from me.

Sometimes my love was allowed to get close and deep down inside.

just not quite…

and that’s partly because my love was secretly keeping his hope alive!

Despite what he showed me that he didn’t want, any part of my love, that I have deep down in my heart …

Secretly he wished for a love so grand that it would put to shame, any past that he had.

He was fighting inside, perilously close to his heart… Whether or not to allow these feelings I’ve felt since the day that we met … he doesn’t have to be concerned because I will never depart …

My hope is that one day, love would be allowed fully to see, and deep enough for the love to “feel“, all snuggly …

and warm way deep down inside, yet needing to rest and being right beside, the place, where his hope let’s my love survive!

With a lot of joy and hope just out of my reach, I knew this routine way better than most, also knowing inside of my deep down space, where I need his void to let my love to be placed.

Teasing me relentlessly, the strings of my heart, and waiting for patience, yet craving him hard.

The ache will never go away, for that person you need, your craving them relentlessly, just wanting your love to get deep down inside and take their void by surprise!

There will be none to replace this one in my heart, he will forever have the key, as he did right from the start …

Asking finally, where does my love go, if not to him? Answer … That love that is his and his alone will just wait around until it’s shown, that is okay to fill that void of his, the unknown …

If that never happens … My love will still be right here … and just loving him anyway through everything, including the tears!

💋LIKE MY FB PAGE DEDICATED TO MY BEST FRIEND AND BEYOND 💕💜 Finding your best friend with benefits

Read these posts about my bffwb:

Just maybe
Where does the love go

Tears falling down

A real man

The imprint of you on my heart

Why

Agonizing fear

To scared to pray

❤️ Thanxxx for reading and commenting and following ❤️

… yOu … me …

I stay up at night thinking of

… yOu …

the BEAUTY of yOur sOuL radiates into

… me …

causing me to feeL

… yOu …

the amazement of yOu creates in

… me …

a deep excitement in seeing

… yOu …

causing a hurricane of thoughts in

… me …

I’m in wonderment of the essence of

… yOu …

yOu make my heartbeat throb …

… me …

I cause the naughty thoughts in…

… yOu …

yOu make tingles shoot through

… me …

making the private parts on

… yOu …

seek out the intimate parts on

… me …

making the emotions on

… yOu …

grab my face and begin kissing

… me …

while I grab for the hugs from

… yOu …

instead it’s yOu wanting from

… me …

my body pressed up against

… yOu …

clinging to the sOuL of

… me …

that brings out the radiating sOuL of

… yOu …

causing yOu to explode in

… me …

makes me gush all over

… yOu …

trembling – yOu hold

… me …

as tightly as I hold

… yOu …

sleep soon will come to

… me …

my heart will always belong to

… yOu …

©chellesrawthoughts

✔️ LIKE my FB page Finding your best friend and beyond that’s in honor of my guy and what we have that’s so amazing.

👫 thank you for reading, commenting and following 👫

beyOnd beSt friendS 👫

I met him in the craziest way … God told me that first night that “he is the one” … and when I opened my door and saw him – I said, “oh yeah this one needs to stay” … silently I thought … “Wow thank You God – a job well done” …

We instantly bonded and were extremely turned on … partying, gabbing, heavily flirting and more … staying up making out until the first break of dawn … I was in heaven loving all of him and he was certainly no bore …

… for three days and nights we played, made love and fuc*ed … together we were off tha chain … we allowed nothing to interrupt … I couldn’t get this man outta my brain …

Making hot, steamy and naughty love was amazing times ten … it never mattered where the other had been … never did I know naughtiness was supposed to be like that … intimately speaking it was INDESCRIBABLE unlike any other I’ve played at …

… there were no games played and no lies told … refreshing to us that we both broke the mold … he brought me back to life … I was simply existing because inside of me there lay a lot of strife …

… over the course of several months our bond became stronger than strong … I felt in my gut that this couldn’t be wrong … time kept it’s pace … moving forward it did … we could always be found hanging out at my little place …

I completely fell and fell hard for this man … he took it in stride and had a secret plan … he showed me how a real man dealt with his life … and treated those close to him with patience while unknowingly keeping me alive …

He is my hero as well as my best friend and beyond … BEYOND benefits BEYOND love and BEYOND best friends … I am so in awe I can barely respond … he is so much BEYOND the traditional boyfriend bond …

I honestly could not live life without his heart … it was as if I’d known right from the start … God whispered that night, “He is the one” … “thank You God it was a job well done …”

©chellesrawthoughts

👫 this poem is about my guy – my best friend and beyond – he means the world to me … there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for him … I know he would be the same way towards me! It’s been four years this month … since we met and have had prettying much exclusive ever since ...
“A soulmate connection is not sycophantic. No power struggles. No game playing. You don’t have to worry about treading on eggshells or keeping the peace. You don’t considering that words or actions will be thrown back and used as evidence should there be a future spat, although time will tell with this one. You feel their strength in the gentlest of ways and have no desire to hurt them, or test their loyalties. A soulmate connection says it’s OK to be different, perhaps one of you thrives on social media, while the other prefers a more private existence, under the radar. Any stresses or difficulties are diminished with one word from the other, or a solitary text, in one fell swoop.”
💃thank you for reading following and commenting🕺