WEED BATH BOMB πŸ’š closest thing to an orgasm ~ check out why!

Cannabis. Legalization nationwide is definitely in the near future! I believe cannabis, medical and recreational, will be legal across our great land, within the next 2-3 years. That is, of course, my personal opinion!

There is still so much controversy around the cannabis industry as a whole, however, my belief is in 2019 there will be large and significant changes happening in the laws for the LEGALIZATION of cannabis nationwide!

There is so much good that would come from this miracle plant, in the medical community especially. The hated stigma, surrounding this industry in general, especially recreational, is still quite, “over the top”!

There are still citizens of our great country that do not stand by cannabis or CBD healing! Those people have wrong thinking that marijuana should be classified the same as heroin, in the schedule 1 drug category. Of course, these people are making their decision based on false information. This placement in the schedule 1 category that we know today should have never happened, but unfortunately it did. That’s sad, because CBD oil and cannabis could really help a lot of people in several ways, medically. Bless their hearts!

How awesome would it be to make your own cannabis bath bombs ? I’m going to make sure you get the homemade recipe so you can do just that! Let us know in the comments below, about your steamy, sultry, and healing bath experience!

These, relaxing bath bombs with a touch of sexy will definitely make your entire body “chillax“, soaking in the hot and steamy bath water and together with the erotic atmosphere and sensual bubbles, it penetrates your whole body!

πŸ’š fyi *I guarantee you that you will LOVE this bath bomb. It will soothe your very soul and you will still come out feeling like you had an erotic sexual experience!

I, for one, am extremely excited about these cool soaking miracles! They are truly “THA BOMB”!

βœŒοΈπŸ’šβœŒοΈ Make your very own home infused cannabis bath bombs βœŒοΈπŸ’š

πŸ’š The materials you will need πŸ’š

*Bath Bomb Mold

*Mixing Bowl

*Measuring Cups

*Spoon / Whisk

πŸ’šIngredientsπŸ’š

*ΒΌ cup Epsom salt

*ΒΌ cup citric acid

*ΒΌ cup cornstarch

*Β½ cup baking soda

*1-1 Β½ tsp water

*1 tsp. essential lavender oil

*ΒΌ tsp CBD oil

πŸ’šBath bomb DIRECTIONS

*Mix gently these dry ingredients (baking soda, cornstarch, epsom salt, citric acid) in a medium bowl.

*Gently whisk all ingredients together only until you see the mix free from clumps. (fyi – If you are adding color – just be sure to combine it after completing Step 4.)

*Combine the liquid ingredients (water, essential lavender oil, and CBD oil) in a smaller bowl. Stir slowly but briskly, just until the CBD oil has been administered evenly.

*Slowly mix and stir the liquid components slowly into the medium bowl of dry ingredients. πŸ’š(fyi *If the mixture starts to foam up, that’s going to mean that you are pouring the liquid substances in too fast.

***Slow down

***Slow down and gather your thoughts while you mentally prepare your mind and body for the sexiest yet most erotic hot bath experience you’ve ever had!

*Once these ingredients are combined evenly, the solidity should feel like wet sand ~ just like sand castles! πŸ’š(fyi *Just test a little by squeezing a small clump in your hand. If the combined mixture sticks together, don’t worry because that’s exactly what you want!)

*If they do not stick, just continue to add tiny drops of water only until the mixture is right. πŸ’š(fyi *Also if you are adding some color, be sure that you combine it all together in this mixture, during this step.)

*Stuff each half of the mold with the combined combination, until a slight overflow takes place. Do not stuff it too heavy! Then, you will press the mold halves firmly together and hold it tight for only a few seconds.

πŸ’š(fyi *You can dust gently the extra jumble right on top of the halves before you press this miracle together to help both sides stick the way it should.)

*Then, gently rotate and remove the top half of the cast. You will also need to secure the bottom half of this mixture, together with the exposed top half, so that it won’t accidentally roll away.) Then, you are going to wait and allow THA BATH BOMBS to dry out for a good 20-30 minutes.

*After they dry, will gently rotate and withdraw the bottom half of the cast. You will then allow THA BATH BOMBS to dry out for at least 2-4 hours. πŸ’š(fyi *For best results make sure it is allowed to dry for a whole 24 hours to be positive that they will be completely firm.)

*Store THA BATH BOMBS in a dry spot, just until you can enjoy the sultry and hot experience that totally immersing yourself in the fragrant oiled water will give you!

*When you’re ready to “chillax” in this steamy dream, fill the tub with hot water, then drop your cannabis or CBD bath bomb in the tub, and soak for probably 20-30 minutes to relax, let your body absorb the healing nutrients and let the steam take away your long, hard day.

πŸ’š fyi *THA BATH BOMB Experience Is The Next Best Thing To Having An Orgasm

The special oils come together in order to assist in the reassuring relief that comes with anxiety, stress, pain and inflammation, while your immune system receives the big healthy boost that it craves!

CBD oil has been studied extensively for its future role in treating a variety of common health issues which including anxiety, depression, acne and heart disease. It even provides a natural alternative for pain and symptom relief for those with cancer and chronic pain. CBD and cannabis are known for curing and aiding several health issues.

When it comes to sex and cannabis or CBD bombs these little bombshells pack a lot of heat!

Bringing them into your personal life can assist you in various ways. These babies relieve pain. Do you suffer from pain during sex? Shoulder passion? Back pain? Leg pain? These bombs help relieve those pains and allow the time to be more enjoyable for you. Soaking with them in a hot bubbly tub, they also alleviate stress and anxiety which will allow you to focus more on your partner and the moment.

There’s no way you can go wrong by allowing these bath treasures to treat you, during your bath time pleasure.

What could be better than having a steamy bath that relieves pain and stress while making your whole body feel like an orgasm?

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WTF

What makes some people disrespect OTHER people, for no substantial reason? Have you ever wondered that?

Well I certainly have, especially now because I’m experiencing an outright disrespectful person in my own life. He’s almost to the point of graduating from verbal to physical abuse, in my opinion.

This specific person in my life is completely disrespectful to me, constantly. This person blatantly disrespects me, as if he owns me.

He is close to me in proximity so I won’t disclose his name. This man has yelled at me, gotten right up close and personal and in my face more than once, and I don’t know the reason behind that hatred toward me.

I was told it was because of the fact that I have dated outside of my race (remember, I’m in the Bible belt), and he didn’t like that. It is none of his business who I dare, period. I could day the same thing about him, that I didn’t respect him for being in prison for murder for most of his adult life. I’m not one to hold anyone’s past in their face, but don’t think I won’t say something if the opening is there.

Racism is dominant in most of areas here in East Texas, some more than others.

That can’t; however, be the entire truth about his reason because I know a friend of theirs and she has also dated black men before. He doesn’t treat her that way, he’s usually in a good mood around her.

No, he verbally attacks his adult daughter and me. Why, I have no clue, but he regularly pounces on us for no reason. There is NEVER a good reason to verbally abuse and attack someone. You can get your point across much better in a calm discussion.

People that are that hateful are pitiful in my eyes, especially when they do absolutely nothing to change themselves. It shows what a coward they are and how weak they are as well.

I do my best to ignore him, but it’s difficult when he’s in my face screaming as loud as he can. There is no sense in all that stupidity, yet he clings to it like it’s his life preserver.

Last night he did it again. It’s like he senses some weakness inside of me and he pounces and attacks verbally.

He’s actually pulled a chair out from under me and while I was in the process of trying to get up and away from him, he pulled it and my back was twisted pretty bad. I have a blog post written about that very incident.

So yes, I’m more than a little pissed off that people on that level actually think they can disrespect me and I’m just going to allow it. Has he lost his mind?

Your probably wondering why I haven’t gone off on him yet? His wife is a dear and precious gift to me and I wouldn’t disrespect her for the world. In my opinion, if I were to lower myself to ball him out, it would disrespect her. I’m old school and I don’t deal with people on that level. I’m not one to do that. If I don’t have anything else, I have my good and loyal character and I intend on keeping it.

Character shows what you do when no one is looking. Would you do the right thing? For example: if you wanted to cheat on your partner with someone, would you do it if no one found out about it? That shows a bad character.

Those are the type of people that you cannot trust. There is no way I would cheat on my man even if no one found out about it because I would know about it. Plus, I respect him and our relationship a lot more than that. I’m better than that. I also don’t want bad karma in my life. What you put out comes right back to you, and I only want to put good stuff out there. I’m above this petty man.

This man however, I feel is potentially dangerous and it’s only a matter of time before he loses control altogether and hurts someone. I don’t want that someone to be me. People like that don’t stop, they just get worse.

I’m worried for his daughter and his wife because his wife will protect their daughter before she let’s their daughter get hurt. I’m afraid if that happens, she will get hurt in the process.

Like I said, it’s only a matter of time. He’s a ticking time bomb at present. I’ve told her that but she won’t listen because he’s getting counseling. In her mind, he’s trying but outwardly he is just the same. Bless her heart, she’s in denial and I can’t get through to her.

People like him ALWAYS get caught because they are deceitful, liars, con artists and furthermore they do not care about anyone, not even themselves. If a person loved themself, they couldn’t be screaming at another person in anger. There’s no way, so it obvious he hates himself. I know the sights because I hated myself for the longest. Even do, I never treated anyone in this horrible way.

I know this, I’m a SURVIVOR of domestic violence. My ex and I used to physically fight and I lost everytime. A woman is just not made to win a fight with a man, unless she has a weapon. I’m not willing to go to jail for the rest of my golden years for hurting this man, so I show on the outside that he’s not bothering me. I keep a straight face but I’m boiling inside at this vermin.

However, that’s getting old as well, so pray for me, because I’m planning on having a heart to heart talk with his wife within the next couple days.

I said all of that to say this. I hope this shows y’all how it makes someone feel if they are being disrespected. So, if you are reading this and are verbally abusing someone, STOP. STOP killing them with screams and making them feel as if they don’t matter and don’t exist. Also, STOP yelling at people for no f’ing reason furthermore, there is NO good reason to yell at your partners friend, UNLESS your disrespected first. I have never done anything but show this man respect, as God is my witness, I mean that from my heart.

If your experiencing this type of treatment (from your partner, neighbor, friend, etc…) like I’ve described, then please reach out to someone because it is considered DV abuse.

So, in order to STOP feeling like a piece of crap and to STOP feeling like I don’t exist – I write. I also inwardly concentrate as hard as I can, while telling myself that I DO matter!

It took me a very long time to feel that way and I’m not going to let anyone abuse me again. I mean that!

I tell myself that through my tears when I’m upset at this horrible person, because he’s not a man. A REAL man would not act in such a way.

I give myself pep talks all the time, just to keep myself from falling in that hideous trap of lying thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it works and the black hole doesn’t devour me, other times I just have to ride it out.

This last post I wrote will give you insight to that black hole. I suffer from unmedicated adult ADHD and the stress associated from this person is magnified by five hundred in my head, when he’s throwing his anger around. Especially so, when my dark ADHD thoughts come pouring in like a flood.

There’s going to come a time where I am fed up and I go off on him.

Would y’all blame me? I’d really like your thoughts on this!

There’s got to be a way that I can get through to him to stop f’ing doing this to me. I mean who the hell does he think he is to feel that he has a special priveledge of attacking me verbally any time he f’ing wants to?

WTF DO I DO?

Does anyone out there understand where I’m coming from?

Comments welcomed!

πŸ’™LIKE my fb page that focuses on DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. ❀️We offer encouragement, local resource information for their area, emotional support, and we help them get in touch with the DV HOTLINE to talk confidentiality to find a safe plan for them to leave (if it’s a partner, if it’s a neighbor like I’ve described, there may be other action you can take)

πŸ’šDOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE NUMBER ~ 1-800-799-7233

1-800-799-SAFE

πŸ’™Contact the DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE WEBSITE for any information you desire to know.

πŸ’™ Thank you for reading, commenting and following πŸ’š

Perpetual madness of the mind …

I feel lost …

Alone…terribly alone,

Fighting back is getting old.

I’m ready for someone to take my hand, telling me I’m not alone. Tears drop silently down onto the chilly, dark night ground.

I’m so cold inside my soul, shivering through to my bones. I try to concentrate in hopes this apprehension calms down inside. It’s not a physical cold, it’s from the inside out.

Shaky inside from my head to the tips of my toes, my feet, sludging along, as if in quicksand, my brain hurts, throbbing into the secret parts of my very soul.

Heinous taunts come from the thoughts that aren’t mine, making this world seem unfeeling, not giving me any consolation. Making me stay in this miserable place. No matter how I fight, I cannot leave.

I’m not depressed, that’s the whole thing. This crazy disorder I’ve dealt with forever is the culprit and stress only magnifies the intensity of the blackness.

After this feeling leaves, I simply brush it off and go on. It lasts so long; however, I’m always grateful when it’s gone.

Feeling wrung out from the energy it takes to go through what I’ve described above.

I’m just overly pleased it’s over, for now anyway, but knowing it will return again soon enough … I cringe.

I can handle the hyper moments because I’m at my most creative during those exuberant times.

I won’t sleep for days at a time and I write, write, write my little heart out.

It’s almost like I’m on drugs, it’s euphoric almost! I almost don’t want meds for it because of these “high” times.

No, it’s these moments as I related above, that pitches me straight into the pit of hell. The hopeless, dark, cold and lonely world.

The stronghold is real and harrowing, nevertheless you will feel as if it will never end … infinity.

I can certainly see how some want to die to get out, yet my soul would never let me take myself away.

It will last as long as “it” decides and I’m stuck, riding those crashing waves. Holding on for dear life, as they beat me down, struggling to keep my thoughts mine.

Slowly it happens, and when it’s over, I go back to ordinary things but I know before long, I will be transported back to the blackness.

God does, thankfully, look out for me during these nosedives into hell, otherwise I know I would never be released.

β€οΈβ€œADHD depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the door”

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πŸ’›another post from me about ADHD thoughts

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… my SouL cries … ❀️MY PERSONAL STORY (part three of three)

(foreword … continued from part two)

… One thing I neglected to mention earlier, was that my mother had come into money after my Grandpa died, as well as my Dad. My Grandpa had married a wealthy woman and all their money was being left to my Dad and to me. I was in my early thirties when Grandpa died. My mother had talked Grandpa into leaving the money that he was going to leave me, to her instead. She told him she didn’t trust me and that I was on drugs ~ which I was not, not at that time. He was in the beginnings of dementia so he wasn’t seeing her deceit. Bless his heart, he did what she requested and left it all to her. Three hundred thousand dollars is what he’d left to her, believing her promise to give it to me a little at a time when I needed it until I was 21. My two favorite aunt’s both told me the year after it happened, because I had no idea my Grandpa had any money to leave anyone. That was a big surprise to me. No one ever told me anything.

(part three … of three)

… Since I had been on the streets, I’d heard through the grapevine, that a girl I met while out there, needed help to get away from a violent boyfriend. Of course, I wanted to help, so I let her stay with me and my son while she decided her next course of action.

A few days before she came to stay, my settlement came through, and I picked it up from the lawyers office. I didn’t put it in the bank because I was going to spend it all on my cousins double wide trailer I was buying. So I hid it under my box springs, under my queen sized mattress. It was the older box springs that had little stair steps under the inside of them. I put the money that was in a bank bag, between those stair steps.

I had relapsed yet again a couple weeks before, for the fifth time and that pull it had, was definitely pulling me. I had a friend find me a dealer that would deliver to my house so I was not out on the roads. I wanted to be left alone so I smoked it most all by myself. My son was able to buy himself some cool new school clothes and other things he’d wanted. I was not so caught up that I wanted to spend all my money on drugs while during the times before, I didn’t care if I did or not.

My son had lived me through my entire addiction, and he knew what I was doing even before I realized it and trying to hide it. There would no hiding the fact that I was high on crack, because a drug like that is easily recognized once that pipe is hit.

My son knew but loved me anyway. To this day, I tell him he is my hero because he is the ONLY reason i didn’t seriously consider taking my life back then. I never seriously considered that in my life but it gave me an insight to how people could be in a certain place emotionally and would be able to do something like that to themselves. My son saved me from suicide and from relapsing again on COCAINE. He is my true hero forever. God gave me the best son ever, and I waved him to have all he ever dreamed. Especially since I was the cause of his dream being crushed.

It was a very scary and surreal realization. I thank God for my strong mind to this day or I never would have survived what I’d gone through back then. No one knows some of the horrors I endured but I had no one to blame but myself.

What had I done?

The girl I had promised to help and stay in our home was around for three days. The last day she was there, when she left with no word to either of us. She had taken my entire world with her and my son’s as well, only we weren’t aware of it at that time.

Nothing would ever be the same again, I was about to find out.

I recall vividly my son running into my room one morning, crying and mad because she had taken the money out of his billfold that he’d received from his Daddy. He had been saving up and he had 70$ but now it was gone, and so was she.

Once I realized the hard fact that they were both gone, a chill ran through my entire body.

Right then, in my gut, I knew that I had somehow messed up, by allowing this woman into my home for those few days. I ran to my hiding place, under the box springs and was horrified when I grabbed the money bag from where I had so carefully hidden it. The money, or dream house money, over 30,000.00 was gone!
In that instant my team cold and my heart sank, pounding in my ears and it made me feel as if I were going to pass out right there. I was more or less in shock. Why does this type of crap always happen to me when all I wanted to do was HELP someone out of a horrific situation I once been in myself. We were learning how cruel and mean people really were. Was everyone just a thief and only out for themselves?

I had just wanted to help her because I understood where she was at in her violent relationship. I thought people had the same heart as I did but this woman proved me dead wrong. Just because I helped her, that didn’t stop her from abusing me like so many others had done before her, including my parents. I figured it was just going to keep hairline to me but I wasn’t worried about me, it was my son’s crushed dreams I was over there top about!

I felt those old emotions and feelings come back. The ADHD symptoms weren’t as bad during my addiction because I’m guessing that the cocaine kept my feelings and emotions quite numb, so they didn’t appear as often when I was I using. I’m no professional, but it makes sense to me, that was what caused that to happen. It was all I could do to hold it together and to this day I don’t know how on earth I did.

I had to worry about my son at that point because he was so devastated that my heart broke into millions of pieces, watching and listening to him get angry, only for him to turn around and be crying for his loss. In my mind, I was his mother and I had neglected to protect him just as I was unable to protect my daughter years before.

I felt so utterly worthless and useless and just no damn good. I didn’t deserve to live as far as I concerned. I had to be the WORST mother than ever lived, why me and why my babies? I never tried to hurt anyone so why was everyone trying to hurt us? I was lost and no clue what to do or where to start.

I silently begged God to save my son from this pain, knowing that it was my fault that he was hurting and I was the one who deserved all the pain, not my baby boy.

Since I had no money after this cunning burglary, I could not pay rent, and two months later we were evicted from our home. During this time, my son had stayed several nights with one of his classmates.

I had nowhere for us to go. I was lost and confused, but I wasn’t doing crack anymore, so that was a plus.

Thankfully, a classmate of my son’s, told his mom what was going on and she came to me, offering my son a home until I could get back on my feet. Relief that God had answered my prayer hit me and I remember feeling so grateful for this angel of a woman, offering her family and home to help my baby.

God had already been working on my son’s behalf. I didn’t care about myself, I just was to be sure that he was going to be taken care of while my gut cringed up painfully, with the thought of being away from him. I cannot find the words to tell you how dark and alone I felt, not to mention what a worthless piece of crap I was for allowing this to happen to us.

So he now has a bonus mom and bonus brothers in his life. At that time I was so grateful that my son would not be homeless with me, I saw her as an angel God had given him. Although since then, she and I have had our differences but that didn’t really matter to me. She didn’t care for very much but all I cared about was that she loved my son. It wasn’t about me. What mattered most to me that she was helping my son and I was beyond thankful for them and for them accepting my baby boy into their life as “family”.

πŸ’œI tried harder than I ever tried before to get a job anywhere I could in my small hometown. Sadly, no one would consider hiring me because of my well known addiction problems. There was nobody that was willing to give me a chance. My son’s bonus mom seemed angry with me as time went on and I still had no job while in her mind, I should have been able to get a job regardless and that I couldn’t have been trying very hard. Would anyone ever believe in me again? Was I just meant to fall and hurt my children who I loved more than anything in this entire world?

I eventually had to move to the next town over, leaving my son to stay with his bonus family. I went the nearest homeless shelter because I was afraid if I stayed in my hometown, I would relapse once again. Above all else, I could NOT let that happen again. I had to show my strength for my son’s sake.

Years passed, and my son grew into a young man. I was never able to get any job steady anywhere, so we were probably never going to be able to live together as a family again. This was a sobering thought for me. I tried not to allow the guilt to harbor full force, but it took the reins anyway and did exactly that!

He stayed with that family that took him in when he had no other place to go until a few months ago. He is now planning on moving with his sister to Missouri to start a fresh life. Their Daddy passed a short time ago and they both need this fresh start. I’m gonna to miss him like crazy of course, but I wouldn’t hold him back for the world. He lost to much in his young life and I never wanted him to miss out on anything ever again. Especially, not because of me. He was better off without me I thought because all I seemed to do is hurt my kids. I could not fail this precious boy again.

My daughter has not spoken to me since 2015 nor has she let me see my grandkids. I don’t believe it had anything to do with the burglary situation but more to do with an online discussion we had on Instagram after I had moved to Longview, where I reside to this day. I’ve reached out to her countless times through email since she has me blocked on FB, only for me to receive a short response or no response at all. Well no response in being interested to get together and talk this out anyway. She is using the silent treatment on me and is very good at ignoring me. She sees me as someone who blamed others for my mistakes and that can’t be any further from the truth. She harbors a grudge longer than anyone I have ever known, except for her grandmother, my mother. She’s in contact with her of course and is my mother’s power of attorney.

There is a hole in my heart where her and the kids are supposed to be. I’m crushed because she refuses to acknowledge me anytime I ask her to talk this out with me, whatever the problem might be. Any correspondence I receive from her is vague and distant, short small talk if you will.

The problem is they I’m not sure why she’s not speaking to me. She hasn’t told me which leads me to believe believe she either doesn’t care or she’s waiting on me to figure out why by myself. I would just rather get together, hash it out and move on with our lives. What she’s doing now seems a lot like she’s playing games, making me sweat and paying me back.

She was speaking to me until 2015 and the only thing that happened after that was I was talking about my mother in a post that I had posted on FB, and she didn’t like that everyone could see it. Normally I’m not going to put it out there like that, but I had just been fed up that my mother always seemed to get by with everything and she would always make sure everyone knew I was the bad guy in her story, everytime.

Since I had been hooked on drugs and had mental issues earlier in my young adulthood, people believed anything she would say about me for the most part.

I’d had my fill, hence the post. All I can do is be here if she reaches back to me, and cry almost daily for the love of my little girl to come back. She’s grown into an amazing woman, and is an exceptional mother to two of my grandkids.

Lastly, my kids include one that I didn’t give birth to but she had my heart at the time. She was going through a lot in her young life and my heart broke for her. You could see the pain she was in but I felt so helpless to do anything. She wouldn’t allow me to. This other child, who I love dearly, is my bonus daughter. My son’s father’s daughter with his first wife. She has two girls that are precious and they are my bonus grandkids. She was 12 when I first met her and was quite the rebellious teen that had a bad attitude and acted out all time.

She didn’t like me at all from the beginning. I got frustrated with her from time to time but it was only because she didn’t listen to me. All I wanted to accomplish with her is that I wanted her to like me. She was my son’s sister and I wanted them to be close and I wanted a place in her life as well. It took years for us to become close to any degree, but she grew up from that rebellious young girl into a beautiful young woman that is an excellent mother, daughter and sister. They are my family. My son’s father’s entire family became my family, despite our rocky relationship and they are now the only family I have. My mother but to many years ago told me that I no longer had a family, they were her family, not mine. I was told to leave them alone, so I did. I’m referring to my mother’s side of the family. Not one of them ever tried to contact me after that, except one first cousin and her hubby that I still talk to regularly today.

I wish i could go back and change so many things but I can’t. It’s just so important for my kids to know exactly, how deeply I loved them back then and that I did my best with what I knew. I need them to know how much they mean to me and how much they mean to me now.

There’s an urgency inside of me, rushing me to let them know this. I pray one day that my daughter will forgive me and my prayer is that will happen before I leave this world. I’m at peace within myself and in the process of being at peace with God.

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❀️cheLLe❀️

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… my SouL cries πŸ’œ MY STORY ~~~ (part two of three)

( … continued from part one)

… When my son was 6 years old, I left his father. My daughter had been married for a few months when I finally left him for good. I had left many times before that but I always returned soon thereafter. I finally ended up staying in a domestic violence safe house for a few months in a nearby town (I never went back after that), trying to get my life back on track. Alhough I don’t think it had really ever been on track in the first place.

My daughter had given birth to my grandson three months after I had given birth to her brother. They came to visit us in the DV safe house and we were very close at this time in my life.

I still have problems remembering the exact timeline of events that transpired after I left the safe house.

I left the safe house after being in the safe house approximately six months, I believe, with my precious young son in tow and I returned sadly, once again to my mother’s house.

My mother wouldn’t allow me to move my young son in with us. This was one of her favorite ways of belittling me, by not allowing my son in her home. In her mind he was just like me and she couldn’t be bothered. I was stuck and saw no other choice but to let him stay with his Dad but I ached for him daily.

She will never know the amazing person she missed out on by dismissing her grandson from her life. He went to his dad’s to live with him and his sister on his dad’s side around 20 minutes away.

Although I missed him horribly, it’s better that he was never around my mother at all. She’d never really had anything to do with him anyway, so it was no loss for him. However, it almost breaks me when I think of that precious little boy who must have been so scared and missing his mama.

My mother couldn’t have cared less where my son was because she was to focused on being “large” in my daughter’s life so my daughter couldn’t “see”me.

Oh God, my heart hurts writing this…

My distorted and clouded brain made the life changing decision one day to go to our closest town. I just never went back to my mother’s until years later. I had run away, although it wasn’t planned. It was a stupid and impulsive decision (another symptom of adult ADHD) Impulsive actions like that are never very smart ideas but I had no social skills to realize how wrong it actually was. Now, when I left for town that way, I had no idea what I planned on doing, all I can remember was I had to get away from my mother. That was my main focus and I hadn’t thought passed that. I would regret that for a very long time.

I was clueless of the negative impact that impulsive decision would have on our future.

I was now officially homeless and I was very afraid, wondering what I had gotten myself into. I migrated to the “hood” and I adapted to street life rapidly because that was a necessity if you wanted to survive. I was going on fumes, not stopping to think about anything. I was afraid if I did, I would break down and cry and I already could tell you didn’t let the streets see you cry. That became habit for the next several years.

I’m not going to go into detail about my life on the streets (another blog post for another time) just suffice it to say that once on the street, I became addicted to crack cocaine within the first month. It was to become an incredibly hard life for me and that was even more proof that the impulsive decision I made to go to town that day was the wrong one, but I never guessed it would lead me straight into the flames of hell, and by then I was to powerless to stop or change it.

My son was with his Daddy when I ended up living on the streets and then he lived with his Daddy’s mother, his Meme. He was with family that loved him and that was more than I could offer him at this point. It crushed me to know this and accept that it was true but it was and I loved him enough to let him go. People just don’t get how damn hard that was for me. I missed him so terribly every single day, I missed him. I never stopped moving around for long because I would start thinking about him if I did and I would break down.

During this stage of my life, I didn’t see my son. No one told me I couldn’t see him, but I didn’t feel worthy to see him. I had gotten myself into something (the street) and had no idea how to get out of it. I felt like the biggest waste of life by this time.

Although the cocaine kept me going and numb, it couldn’t stop the sharp pains I felt when I thought about my kids. I had failed miserably as a mother, as a daughter, and as a human being, in my mind. I should be dead but there was no way I could kill myself because if I could have, I probably would have at this point.

I was eaten alive with guilt the entire time I was on the streets, that feeling was never numbed by cocaine, no matter how much I used. Believe me, I used enough trying to numb the guilt pain I felt. That mind and body crippling guilt stayed with me until this past year.

***Word of advice. Never make a decision out of spite!

Because, you will be screwed every time. Trust me. I left my mother’s home because I was sick of her feeding me negativity all the time and abusing me off things I wasn’t doing. I couldn’t stand to hear that I was a failure one more time so I left.

That decision cost me more than I would have ever been willing to pay. It cost me losing the life I should have had with my son. Not one day goes by that I don’t not think about this or get teary eyed and cry because I will suddenly just remember. It haunts me to this day. What if?

My son may never totally comprehend the horrible pain and deep loss I experienced, because of the decision I made that day to go to town, out of spite. He did; however, suffer an extensive loss himself later on and it was all my fault. He lost his mom and that gets me instantly crying when I think of it. I messed everything up, always 😒 I was conditioned to think this way, I didn’t want to but it was automatic.

I wanted subconsciously, to hurt my mother so she would hurt like I did, that’s why I believe I left. It backfired on me. I never consciously made the decision to hurt her because I didn’t realize I wasn’t returning. I just simply stated gone every day until I just never went back. But now, looking back, I was so naive in my thinking because I thought that surely she had to love me somewhere in her heart and if I left her, she would see how much she did love me and beg me to come back. Then, she would happily take me to get my son and let us live with her. I blows my mind now, that after all she put me through, that I still wanted to believe that she loved me. I still thought people had the same heart as I did. I was soon to find out, that was not the case at all. It would be a very bitter pill for me to swallow.

I’m not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me or for attention. I’m doing it for my own healing, because I matter and my pain matters and so my kids will have my story told to them, by me. They have heard my story by others thinking it was theirs to tell. My voice has a right to finally be heard!

I’m writing this so I can tell my kids how deeply I loved them when they were little, despite my many mistakes. I want to tell them how sorry I am for not being the mother I yearned to be in my heart. I wanted to tell them how wrong I was for not being there for them when they needed me, especially.

Once, I was off the streets, some 5 years later, my son came to live with me. It was a long and hard road for me to get there but I felt real good inside about myself for the first time, and I felt like a true “good” mother for the first time in my life.

We moved a few times during the next few years, but for a few years there we were really doing good.

Unfortunately, it was not to last …

πŸ’œπŸ’™πŸ’œ part three to be published soon πŸ’™πŸ’œπŸ’™

πŸ’šπŸ’› thank you for reading, following and commenting πŸ’™πŸ’š

my SouL cries πŸ’™ ~~~ MY STORY (part one of three)

My kids are grown now, and they each took a piece of my heart that will forever belong to them. I long to see their faces and spend time with them and their families. I think of that constantly and that is my “wishing dream”.

I’m writing this to let my kids know exactly how much they meant to me and HOW DEEPLY I LOVED THEM, THEN AND NOW, even when I was living through some of the harder times in my life and had no clue what I was doing. When my actions screamed “I’m a bad parent” … My heart screamed back, “I loved you still”.

There was NEVER a time that I didn’t love you. I had such high hopes of being the best parent ever when I was a little girl dreaming of a family, but that was never realized for either one of you kids and for that I’m sorry.

I loved my children FIERCELY, as I do today. I always have and I always will. I ache for them daily and it is my soul cry to see them and hold them once more.

It was my dream to be able to be a great grandmother (Momo) but that was viciously taken away from me years ago with nothing but the silent treatment ever since.

That in itself was a form of abuse (called grandparent alienation) so I guess my daughter is getting me back, using her children to do so. There is nothing right about that, any way you flip it.

I’m 55 now and a SURVIVOR of addiction, as well as a survivor of domestic violence, and a lifetime sufferer of ADHD. I say “sufferer” because it still remains undiagnosed and untreated to this very day. But even though it is undiagnosed, that doesn’t stop it from making you suffer.

I was never the best parent, it’s a classic symptom of adult ADHD (esp unmedicated), but there is also one thing that you must know.

This is one thing I must get written down so that my children will read this and see my heart.

I always loved my babies, with every single piece of my heart and soul.

I grieve for them in my life, especially in the present tense. I made a lot of mistakes and bad decisions but they were my pride and joy. They were the only two things I ever did right.

I was just not guided correctly period and I just didn’t have a clue on how to show them. It’s NO excuse, it’s just true 😞 I just never knew how to be a mother, pain and simple. I really didn’t know how to be a person either.

… It is what it is …

I take full responsibility of all my wrongs, but those wrongs were caused mostly by an unrecognized disorder coupled with being raised by a narcissistic monster. This unrecognized disorder was the underlying culprit that caused a domino effect of events and decisions to unfold in my life, and with a tornado of people left in it’s wake.

I’m not using this disorder as an EXCUSE by any means; however, it was the reason things went in the direction they did. The beginning of the domino effect, if you will!

Because of this disorder, my thoughts were completely distorted and all over the place. It was hard to know which thoughts were mine or not.

The intense insecurities I felt were off the chain, along with major anxiety and the poor life coping skills I displayed. I had no real life skills to be a valuable person in society at all. At least that what I was told, especially by my mother.

Let me also get this straight. I’m NOT writing this to bash my mother. I do have to say this though, if she was ashamed of how she treated me and didn’t ever want it “out there”, she wouldn’t have done it. She was an adult so she knew what she was doing (according to her) and I knew nothing.

I can’t tell the story and leave her part out because each piece of this story, made me who I am today. I fought VERY hard to become her. Again…..

… It is what it is …

So, when I made life decisions during these times, they were made from a very clouded and distorted viewpoint.

Does this make any sense?

I wish someone would have stopped me from making wrong decisions. Problem is, I probably wouldn’t have listened even if they would have. I’m sure my dad and friends may have tried to but I was so out of it, with this disorder taking over my whole life. I refused to listen to anyone and also I hated everyone at the time, but worse, I hated myself as well. I felt if you weren’t helping me, you were against me. It seemed then, that no one at all, was helping me. I always felt very alone and sad as a child.

Most normal young people are rebellious to a degree anyway, so you can imagine how much worse a young teenager (that suffers from a crippling mental disorder that no one was aware of at that time) could be? I see it all clearly now, looking back …

LOVE would have easily made me a different person, I see that in hindsight!

Oh, I wish that someone would have seen the symptoms in me back then. But ADHD, when I was a teenager was unheard of. That didn’t stop it from devouring me emotionally.

… But no one seemed to see me struggle ...

This is where my memory fades from the timeline. (Yet another symptom of adult ADHD)

My parents thought I was just making excuses for my grades or mistakes when I forgot something or acted up due to what was blowing up in my head or just got in trouble for.

They labeled me rebellious, lazy and selfish and I was told I couldn’t possibly care about them or myself either or else I would “stop this craziness right away”.

I knew it wasn’t true, because I wanted so bad to be loved by them and to show them I could love them and be good at the same time. I did love them but they couldn’t see that through my emotional shortcomings.

Sadly, I’d failed, time and again, to “show them” with my actions. In their minds, knowing they had discussed my behavior with me, and NOT being able to see a change in me (for the better) it was automatically assumed that just I didn’t care.

This was sooooo far from the truth. I wanted so much to love them and be loved by them but I felt like they looked at me with so much disgust (in my distorted mind that’s how I perceived them looking at me) that I would eventually stop trying, altogether.

I always knew my Dad wanted me when I was adopted, but did he love me? I wonder that now because he allowed my mother to much freedom when it came to me. He was her “flying monkey”. A “flying monkey” is someone the narcissist recruits as a sidekick. They are just as guilty of inflicting abuse as the monster narcissist is because they watch it happen and do NOTHING about it.

I never questioned his love for me until recently, after I found the Facebook group for adult daughters of emotional abuse Narcissist mother’s. My mother never wanted a child in the first place. This was told to me more than once by different family members. She never loved me and I knew that without being told. I realized my dad could not have loved me or he would have done something to have stopped my mother for emotionally demolishing me. That was a hard pill for me to swallow because my dad was my hero, until I learned all this. He was no one’s hero. He helped her get away with everything.

A kid can feel love and they can also feel it when you don’t love them.

She would forever tell me things like, “your not going to amount to anything when you grow up”… and similar things that no child should hear from a parent.

She told me things that probably should have broken me, but didn’t.

I tried even harder to please her, but I never quite did. To this very day, I have never pleased my narcissist mother. They cannot change and it’s all on them. I’m the research queen, believe me, so I’ve learned A LOT about Narcissist mother’s recently. Once I knew her evil had a name, that is. I finally stopped trying to please her when I was around 47-48 years old. I had worn myself out all these years trying to please her, so she would love me. That is a shame 😞

I used to hope that I would learn that she was abused or something as a child and that would explain her abusive behavior towards me. But all I learned was that she knew how she treated me and others and didn’t care because her personality disorder was in shambles and could not be fixed.

She just made my childhood a lot harder to deal with.

(Let me say I do not blame her for any bad decisions I made because of her negative contribution in my life. I take full responsibility for all the wrong things I did)

In my mind, I was a huge disappointment to them (her mainly), so I actually hated myself for the longest time. I actually felt that I was completely stupid or I would have done better and therefore, they would have loved me.

I became pregnant with my daughter at 20 years old and I was so excited and nervous at the same time because I wanted soooo very much to be a good mother.

That was the burning desire of my heart at the time.

I had no clue how to be a good mother because I didn’t have the best role model and I certainly did not want to be a mother like mine was to me.

Of course, I was considered to be a heathen and/or slut at this time because my mom, this time joined by my dad, never hesitated to tell me how disappointing I was to God and to them. She would even throw my grandmother’s name in there telling me how disappointed she would have been in me pregnant and unmarried. My grandmother was my world as a child, she passed away when I was only 13. My mother knew that she would crush my heart with those words. That is exactly why she said that to me. Evil.

*Our family were not regular church goers but they held fast to those same beliefs. They were right beliefs but they had left out the love of God and forgiveness of Him out of things when pointing fingers at me. I went through life thinking God was a huge man that was always disappointed with me.
Think about it, that’s a HARD load to carry as a young child.

Once my beautiful little girl was born, I was determined to be the best Mommy ever.

… That was short lived …

My mother began telling me from day one after my daughter’s birth, that I was a bad mother and that I was doing everything wrong and I no clue as to what I was doing. You name it, if it was negative to me about my MOTHERING skills, she said it. Of course she watched what she said when my Dad was around.

She would then keep her opinion to herself, for the most part because of Dad. Regardless, I could always feel her disdain and her critical eyes watching me like a hawk, waiting on me to enevitably mess up. Thanks to her telling my dad who knows what about me, he looked at me with that same disdained looked. He didn’t help me or stand up for me. She had her narcissistic claws in him then.

Especially, if we were somewhere visiting, like my cousins, for example. She always embarrassed me in front of them somehow, like clockwork.

I thought it was

because I was deserving of it. I can’t make myself remember what emotion I was feeling when she did those things to me. I have blocked a lot of those feelings out. I remember what happened but the emotions that went along with those times, are gone. I feel more that they were to traumatic for me to remember, even now. I just know it was sad, but I remember thinking then, it went way deeper than that.

She usually didn’t have to wait long for me to “mess up”.

She wasn’t physically harmful to me, but for the mind, will and emotions, she was indeed dangerous. One incident stands out in my memory. It was the closest she ever came to physically abusing me. I was around 11 when this happened. I was a bed wetter from as far back as I can remember until the age of 12. One morning I remember getting up and my stomach dropped with the realization that I had wet the bed sometime that night. Inwardly I was scared of what Mom would say. She picked that time to come in my room and she automatically knew what I had done in my sleep the night before because she could smell it. She was instantly angry and she charged at me and grabbed me by the hair and shoved my face down in the wet sheets. She was smearing my face in the urine soaked covers, similar, I guess, to how you would rub your dogs nose in it’s accidents. This happened so fast and came completely out of the blue. She took me totally by surprise because she’s normally not physical with me. I could never describe the feeling I had during her outrage but I felt like I disappeared and remember it felt like it was happening to someone else. I shudder at what that monster did to that little girl that day because inside something was different, it was like something broke inside of me or detached. I remember that because after it was all over, somehow I knew that I would never be the same, I just knew it even as a young child.

Her negative treatment of me just escalated and magnified the already present underlying problem of the ADHD I was suffering from, although still no one knew it at the time.

Her negativity caused more anxiety, which triggered the ADHD problem more than ever and the war was on once again, in my head.

Stress is no good for anyone suffering from ADHD, especially a child whose personality was in the process of forming or a young woman’s who was already quite sensitive in becoming a new mother.

Moving ahead a couple of years to after I left my daughter’s father, I moved in with my parents to get on my feet. We later moved to Houston, because my Dad found work there, and I needed work as well. Our small hometown did not have a lot of jobs. I found work fast and I also made some friends. I was “seemingly normal”, I guess, but I was never happy especially under the eagle eye of my mother.

I eventually went to business college for a word processing course in 1990-1991 while working two jobs. I would go out with my friends on weekends. I would take my daughter out with me a lot of the time because my mother would complain that I was irresponsible. (I actually was irresponsible because of low self esteem and low self worth due to unrecognized ADHD symptoms. My thoughts were not usually my own and it was very confusing to me … and the emotional abusive words my mother would throw at me),

I felt like damaged goods…

I just had no clue how to interact properly with people and how to essentially, be a mature young and grown up person that I was expected to be. I’d had no guidance whatsoever. It was so painful, I recall, looking back with tears in my eyes!

Now I need to make one other thing clear …

I keep saying it because I’m afraid my daughter will freak out and never speak to me again after I publish this. This is why I called and spoke to my oldest best friend, Sarah about it … She said to write and publish it for me and to hell with what anyone else thought. My daughter hasn’t spoken to me since I’ve come to Longview, Texas to live anyway. She’s kept my grandkids from me as if I were poison.

This comes back to haunt me more time than I tell you…My mother swore to me years ago with a vicious voice, when my daughter was a young girl, that she would turn my daughter against me one day ~ and she finally did 😭

My baby girl will think I’m looking for pity writing this and I’m not. She will think it is for attention and it’s not. I’ve had all the attention I have ever wanted but didn’t need in my life up until this point. No, I’m not writing it for any of those selfish reasons ~ God knows my heart πŸ’“ so I have His back up on that being true. I’m not one to say that type of thing flippantly (about God because I know God is God and He is real and His son Jesus is my Lord and savior) I respect God, although for years I rebelled against Him. I promise to God that I’m only writing this to help someone who will need it later on, for my healing and for my voice to be heard because it was always shushed. Nobody’s shushing me now. What I went through and felt all these years matter. I matter and I deserve to be heard and taken seriously. I’m not a joke. The only ones who would possibly have a problem with MY STORY are the ones who were trying to keep me shushed. As long as I was shushed, they could keep blaming me for things not in my control and the lies they were told could be considered truth.

I’m writing this so my children will know, that despite all I’ve gone through, I have loved them with every single fiber of my being.

This is also important to me that my kids hear my story from me and no one else.

I’m not blaming anyone for anything other than what is their due and I’m not writing this to bash my mother. She’s insignificant to me and to my life now. The world no longer revolves around her and I will break the silence. She’s still alive and can defend herself if she so chooses. I forgave her long ago because if I wanted to move forward in life, I had to forgive her. It’s no longer about her but it’s about me for once. I’m no longer her victim, i am a SURVIVOR! I have just now met some precious women, all ages and nationalities, and they are all women of emotionally abusive (Narcissist) mother’s. When I found that small closed group in Facebook I immediately requested to join. I found out that I was not alone. It blew my mind because I thought no one had a mother like mine. Other people had grown up with mother’s just like I had. I thought I was the only one until now and that’s the God’s honest truth!

I learned she was evil and loved no one but herself and her severe personality disorder could not be fixed. Through this little group and just knowing they went through the same things that I did and made me finally understand …

… IT WAS NOT MY FAULT LIKE I THOUGHT AND WAS TOLD ALL THESE YEARS …

and I wasn’t bad or crazy. I’m able to heal more now than I ever have.

It’s time I told my story. My gut is telling me it is time. My kids have told theirs through my mistakes, my mother has told hers, to her family especially, and I was left out and forgotten by them all it seemed. I was always the bad guy in her stories and she was my victim.

All I ever wanted was THE TRUTH to be told. The REAL truth, not my mother’s warped version of it. I hated people seeing me as she was portraying me to be. It just wasn’t fair but I was helpless against this narcissist monster, I just didn’t know it at the time.
*Narcissist mother’s are lethal to their daughters. Narcissists aren’t some poor souls that were abused when they were a small child, therefore possibly explaining their nasty treatment of their own kids, no not at all. They know EXACTLY what they are doing and they do not care. Google Narcissist mother’s of daughters and you will learn a LOT about how my mother ticks. That’s why I say she was evil, because she KNEW EXACTLY what she was doing to me and did it anyway. It’s impossible for them to love anyone but themselves, even their own children.

… now it’s finally my turn to tell my story ~ unsensored.

That being said, it was not long before we moved back to our hometown from the big city. My daughter was around 10 at this time.

During that time in her childhood, I experienced issues that were hard for me to deal with. I always crying and I always anxious. I finally went to our small town doctor and (sadly) was diagnosed with severe depression. Of course, it didn’t “fix” me like I had prayed it would because the medicine was not meant to treat ADHD. I don’t, to this day, understand why I wasn’t tested for ADHD, but I wasn’t. I didn’t have enough knowledge of the disorder plus, back then, it was thought that only children were affected with this disorder. That’s what they believed back then anyway. It still led to me being undiagnosed and not have the right medication I needed to feel “normal”!

This narrow minded thinking led to a whole generation of adults being untreated or misdiagnosed for ADHD. That is very sad.

I had played around, experimenting with drugs the same as many young people did back then. During my teenage years, I had played around and used marijuana and took some pills here and there but nothing more unless you count a beer here and there when I was out of my parents sight. However, as a young adult with a child, I’d only used marijuana from time to time. I just never did classify marijuana as a drug.

(Marijuana is a plant, not a drug. It was WRONGFULLY placed on schedule one because of people’s STUPID racism at the dawning of it’s becoming illegal in the first place.)

*This was indeed, setting the scene, for my hard core addiction that was to come years later.

My daughter went through a special kind of hell, I’m sure during the years we lived behind my parents house. (It was never a home.)

This was when I was being treated for depression instead of ADHD. So when I went for help, I was not diagnosed correctly so therefore the meds I was given weren’t going to help me.

I tried so hard to be “okay” and “normal“, but nothing changed.

I didn’t know what “okay” and “normal” was.

It only worsened and reared its ugly head in several self-destructive ways during the course of the rest of my life.

My daughter has her own version of my story, that would reveal her feelings around that time, from her perspective. I can’t change how she views things back then because I didn’t feel what she felt. I’m sure I’m the bad guy but it’s okay. I’ve long since paid my dues on anything I’ve ever done wrong, in my mind. I’ve paid dearly to finally have a peaceful mind … Like I said I fought to become who I am today!

However, it cuts me to the core of my very soul knowing I caused her unnecessary pain, but it was not on purpose.

I’m not saying I shouldn’t be accountable for that (because believe me I WAS held accountable and like I mentioned earlier … I paid my dues and then some), all I’m saying is, that I was dealing with something inside me that seemed alien and very frightening. “Why was no one helping me”?

I thought I was going crazy (remember, I had no idea I suffered from ADHD) and I thought I was for real crazy. That was scary for me thinking this about myself …

I was really scared that there was truth to my mother’s words after all. I would get so angry at myself for not measuring up and in doing so, I was proving all my mother’s negative words that she’d used in describing me, to be correct.

A never ~ ending cycle …

As time went on, I couldn’t keep any relationship with a man very long at a time (another classic adult women ADHD symptom) because I usually chose the wrong type of man. That and the fact that I was still trying to put the pieces of my fragmented life together. This would take another thirty years to happen.

The majority of those men ended up being controlling and later on abusive, physically and emotionally. I went from dealing with my mother being controlling and emotionally abusive to being with obsessive and controlling men that wound up being emotionally and physically abusive to me as well. I drew them like flies because of my weaknesses. (no self esteem, no self confidence, no self worth, confused all the time, etc.)

By this time, I thought I deserved the type of treatment I receiving. That is why I accepted the treatment for as long as I did before ever fighting back.

I’m not going to get into details about any of those relationships because this is about how much I loved my kids despite the fact that most of my actions and decisions probably did little to prove that love.

I felt so unwanted and useless back then that I actually thought I was doing my daughter a favor by not being around her like I soooo wanted to be.

That was because I never seemed to do anything right, according to my mother.

When I started shutting down she saw that as her opportunity. In her mind, by shutting down, I was asking her to step in and be my daughter’s mother. So that’s what role she took. All the while making sure I knew what a disgrace of a mother I was. She would tell me that I didn’t love my daughter or I would spend more time with her. So when I tried to spend more time with her she would never seem to leave us alone and if she did, she would go out talking about how my mothering skills were horrible, etc …

… So, I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t. I was utterly and forever confused by this time.

I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere and that nobody loved me because I was weird, different and mentally sick. That was shoved down my throat as well and being sick in the mind, remember was looked down on and thought bad of back then. It was like I could help it or something.

I felt so alone and afraid.

But what nobody ever knew until now was that I wanted more than anything in this world was to take my place as my daughter’s mother. I wanted to show her how much I loved her and to take her in my arms and promise her that I would never let anyone make fun of her or hurt her in any way. I would protect her like I thought parents were supposed too.

But that was not meant to be.

(My father had passed away not to long after August 4, 1998 was the day the father that I adored left this world. I just never understood how he could let my mother hurt me so much and not help me if he loved me. In my research today about Narcissist mother’s, he would have been considered to be her “flying monkey”)

During this time of extreme guilt and grief on my part, my mother once again started in on me. This time she wasn’t kept in check, because my Dad was gone. So she could basically say whatever she wanted. She did just that. She came at me in the worst way she possibly could.

She told me with a smirk on her face, I will never forget it, that it was my fault that my Dad was dead. He died from the stress of having to deal with me and because of me, she was now all alone in the world.

Those words cut through to my very soul and I was literally sick to my stomach for days…

It took me years to finally realize that what she said to me was not true.

Eventually, I was able to move forward from that, but those paralyzing emotions I felt when she hurled that horrible accusation at me overwhelmed me to an almost numbed state for a very, very long time.

All I knew was in my mind, I had failed, again, to be a good daughter and now my mother hated me because I supposedly stressed my father out so much, that I killed him.

My heart breaks now for that young woman because I know what she had to live with and face after that.

I’ve never told anyone, until now, how devastated I had been and how crushed my soul was because of that accusation. I think I will always hate her for that.

It still hurts like crazy today when I think about it, even though I knew I wasn’t the cause of his death.

I hated myself for being a horrid person that only brought misery and death (evidently) to her family. But, life went on and I stayed ashamed and full of guilt.

I remember, thinking back to when my daughter was 10-11 years old, I was begging her almost, to not allow her Mamaw to come between us. I recall being almost frantic as I begged her to please not allow her Mamaw to take her away from me. I was almost begging her for real I remembered, thinking back. My daughter reached her little arms out and she then wrapped them around my neck promising me that would never happen. I still hear and see that instance, clearly in my mind today.

Now the tears are coming fast and furious, as I write this, because I know that little girl loved her mommy more than anything in this world. Later, I would feel that I let her down, the same way my parents let me down.

However, my mother’s shadow was all around us, watching and waiting to pounce if she felt my weaknesses rise. My mind back then stayed in a muddled and confused state. I was not doing any drugs during this time although I constantly accused of it. Her treatment of me kept me right where she wanted me. Anytime I felt strong and in control of myself and my life, she would knock the wind from my sails. Then she would complain that I was not responsible. She would put herself in front of my daughter as a “mother” figure, so I couldn’t be seen by my daughter in any given situation and my daughter would have no choice but to ask my mother for help instead of me. I would then try to get involved with my daughter and her life, and my mother would pounce telling me how unfit I was as a mother, maliciously adding that she was afraid my daughter would be ruined if I was the one in control of her.

Again, just her saying that, I was damned if I did, and damned if I didn’t…..

It wasn’t long after my Daddy passed away that I got together with my son’s father in May of 1998.

I was still so gullible and trusting and still exhibiting ADHD symptoms that had not yet been recognized in me. I had long ago stopped taking antidepressants because they weren’t helping and I didn’t like the way they made me feel. I decided that I would much rather deal with my own natural roller coaster, than a chemically induced one.

…..Part two will be published soon…..

πŸ’œπŸ’™ Thank you so much for reading, commenting and following πŸ’šπŸ’›

Racism ~ suxxx

I’m writing this on the wake of these New Zealand killings of innocent people. Bless their hearts. They were in their place of worship, worshipping and these white supremacists decided that it was a good time to take their lives??? REALLY?????

Shocking? Yes, it is. I’m from the south of the United States, so I’m definitely schooled in racism. I was raised to be racist but thankfully that never stuck. I just don’t understand having problems with someone simply because they are a different color, or they are of a different nationality, or they have a different beliefs and religion than I do. That doesn’t make them bad people.

What was the point in killing those poor people in their place of worship? And then recording it? Was this supposed to make them bigshots in some way? It makes them disgusting and pitifully weak in the real world and around real compassionate people!

Believe that – there was a purpose, those type of deep racist and ignorant people always have a purpose for how they do things, even if it’s not obvious to us (the public).

I certainly do NOT want to hear because God told me to! I’m tired of hearing that someone has killed someone in God’s name.

First of all God would NOT tell someone to kill anyone.

He would not tell anyone that no matter what their differences, He would tell us to show Christ to them. He would not have us pointing fingers. Kind of like in the 1800’s, when the Catholics were killing the Protestants and vise-versa. Supposedly, in God’s name, and I just shake my head because there again, they are blaming God for their own stupidity and ignorance.

Time will tell on the WHY they did this and what was their purpose? I’m sure it was partly because of their religion. I don’t like the radical Muslims, like Isis, but the Muslim people for the most part are good, quiet and loving people. You just don’t end a life because someone is different than you. You just DON’T DO THAT!

I don’t know, but to just do what they did and how they did it is CRAZY to say the least. I pray that they are caught and have the most massive laws thrown at them.

Where has the compassion gone for others, other than ourselves?

We are ALL HUMAN BEINGS.

I guess that means nothing to the type that just massacred those 49 people. To me, it’s spiritual. The demons definitely were in charge of that/those person/people. That’s the only thing that makes sense to me. Y’all have too remember, I come from the Bible belt!

The root of this type of CRAP is RACISM. I see it daily here in the South and I know it’s dominate in other states and even in other countries. I promise you though, it is NOTHING like it is here in the South, of the United States of America. I totally LOATHE racism.

We ALL BLEED RED just like Jesus BLED ON THE CROSS!

PEOPLE we have got to unite and come together and make the statement THAT IS NOT OKAY to kill people for their differences.

Make an example out of these out of control white folks, please!

smdh😞 I did read yesterday that Facebook, Twitter and YouTube are removing those awful videos as soon as they are posted. You have to congratulate them for doing this. I’m sure it’s taken more than one person to handle that task. If you see a post that is in fact that awful video of the massacre, please report it to the social platform you are on.

Let me know in the comments your thoughts on this horrid happening.

πŸ’• Thanxxx for reading and commenting and following

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🌼you may feel broken, but you don’t need fixing!!!

I believe that my main problem, for all these years, has been thinking that I had to “fix myself” in order to live my life at peace within. That is an untrue statement.

Society as a whole feels that if we are going through something, we must need to be fixed. I don’t think I need to be fixed. Sure, I have had life’s issues that blew up in my face, causing me to make bad decisions or go down the wrong road, but I don’t feel that means that I need “to be fixed“!

So, I’ve been actively researching this subject all week and this is what I have learned. Society sees you as “broken” for example, if you are an addict or if you suffer from any one of several mental disorders, such as: ADHD, schizophrenia, pstd, bipolar, and depression or if you are a victim of domestic violence or suchlike. This is an ongoing list of situations that some suffer from and because of this society feels that an individual must be “broken” or just needing to “be fixed” because they allowed themselves to get caught up in those life issues. It’s ridiculous!

It’s easy to think of certain feelings or thoughts as bad for us and we naturally want to make them stop. We avoid them, we distract ourselves, and then we ultimately try to fix these β€œbroken” parts of our lives.

These parts of us are NOT broken. In fact, I believe that not one of us is “broken“.

The problem is the thinking that we are “broken“. The issue is not the anxiety. It’s the intense struggle within that the anxiety creates that’s the problem. It’s our own desire to be free from this overwhelming emotion that causes us to feel trapped. All we want to do is just find some relief, and to make it STOP. This is not the way to make it go away, you are only causing yourself more problems than you need.

The key is to stop trying to fix it, stop trying to change it, stop allowing it to be an overwhelming problem. Instead, just try to be willing and sit with the feeling and accept it. By doing this, it will, in time, erase the anxiety.

How do I do this you may ask? It takes 30 days to make a habit, and it also takes 30 days to break a habit. Your mind automatically allows anxiety take over out of habit. When your on purpose managing it as I describe below, you will be on the road to breaking that habit. After 30 days of practicing this technique, every single time the anxiety crops up, it will be more automatic for you to push through it easier in your mind.

It is really simple, yet it is not an easy thing to do. This takes an amazing amount of mind power and control to accomplish. However, it CAN be done!

It totally depends on how much you want to change this wrong thought process that leads to the anxiety overtaking your life.

I know this because I, myself, have gone through this process. Nobody told me this, I learned it entirely on my own. This is not for the weak of heart.

You have to accept this overwhelming anxiety for what it is. Worrying, trying to fix problems that cause your anxiety, or ignoring it WILL NOT help or alleviate it. Only attacking and facing it head on with acceptance will calm your mind, so that you are able to focus on solutions to the problems that caused you to allow the ANXIETY to control in the first place.

You have to ON PURPOSE put those devastating emotions to the side in your mind. You tell yourself that these emotions are not helping you and are only making those emotions climax in your mind. This must be done every single time it happens, otherwise it won’t stick.

Put your mind where it needs to be, not where it wants to go.

Anxiety can paralyze your entire body and mind so they cannot function. I have been bombarded with anxiety my entire life because I live with ADHD unmedicated. Whatever disorder you have, it will not stop you from achieving this, simply because you suffer from it. You can push past your disorder. This process works and you CAN do this!

So instead of spending hundreds on therapy for this issue, decide to conquer this demon head on, and in time the anxiety will diminish, allowing you to go forth, more confident in your life and in the decisions you make.

As I’ve stressed to you, this is not for the weak minded or weak of heart, because the mind power it takes from the beginning, is an extremely difficult thing to do. You have to take every once of strength you can muster, just to do this because at first it will happen SEVERAL times a day. It will get tiring but it’s either spend your time in the solution or spending time being miserable and causing yourself unwanted bouts of anxiety. Your choice!

Bit by bit, facing this issue head on will slowly but surely stop your problem with anxiety. By conquering these unwanted emotions, you will experience an intense sense of freedom that you have ever known!

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πŸ’• where does the love πŸ’• go? revised*

Have you ever had so much love inside of you and you had no where to give it

That feeling I’m describing is almost like being punched in the chest. It hits hard then overwhelms and overpowers you, and you can “feel” the void of where the love was supposed to go. That void hurts a million times more than not having somewhere safe for it to go.

The dark hole does still ache, tremendously and deep, inside of my chest. Paralyzing, way deep down inside yet numb, from the stark realization, that there is nowhere close for me to place, the love that’s deep down in my heart.

The void he has is still there, I feel it with fear and he’s blocking the place and making it hard to find that part of his heart where the love cried to go, so I felt that I’d just lost my case.

My exclusive guy lives almost an hour away 😒 so I don’t see him as often as my heart would okay. He also holds me at a distance more than ever he does but… unknowingly I think, and day by day he gets further and further away from that secret place because he had a dark place in his heart. He forms no bonds, nobody can have a hold on him as he will say but all this has caused me to “feel” helpless yet defeated, way deep down and through and through, straight into that void and it’s deep in his heart.

Sometimes it really does feel like he just no longer cares, to talk to me much. It’s not sounding like him from the start and still it’s killing me, ever so slow and it pains me so much to know that his pain matches mine, yet it all could be stopped NOW, if only his secret spot, would accept the love coming – straight from my heart!

Nevertheless, the ache has kept on, sadly aware that’s a fact, realizing there’s nowhere at all, in such a place, for my love to be accepted and given, without losing face.

The ache grows stronger for the love that it’s missed, love was crying out harder, than ever before – gut wrenching pain, slicing straight to my heart and it hurts so bad, esp in nightmares…. Scaring me through the dark parts of my soul, making my love close off, the void that was placed in his heart.

His void longs to be filled to the top, regardless of his fear that my love will get loose and then will depart, to that midnight train sneaking away, while he’s doing his part. What he needs to realize is that I’m not going anywhere and I can be what’s deep in his heart!

It’s really quite painful when the pounding (that’s mostly the fear) begins, again and so slowly, then the crescendos begin, up past the very ceiling that shields you within.

It’s a horrible yet painful ache stabbing into my soul, unlike any other ache, that’s ever been experienced because of one heart. This I can promise you, right from the start of this journey of hope, pain, and fear, along with two hearts.

In many ways, it’s worse to ache, for someone who has kept your love at a distance (for whatever reason), than to lose someone through death and to never see them again. Either way it halts the love, that’s patiently waiting just to be placed.

It is possible to grieve for someone while they’re still alive, and even possibly, are still in your life!

Tears fall for the love that is right in your face, By wanting to be noticed so much I may break. That makes it impossibly difficult for my love to be correctly placed.

(It’s the distancing he does, that can be felt in a flash, and he neglects to acknowledge any one certain fact. The love he silently craves, is hiding within but keeping it so far, away from his heart, yet he still needs a place, that her love may climb, right up to the clouds, with those beautiful stars.)

Is it plausible that this secret heart has a face, who could it be because from what I have faced; he’s loyal and good, just resisting love in any form keeping me at a distance, not showing me the real him that I’ve known.

I’ve yearned to bond with his mind like before and our sex that would blow me so far out in space, keeping me screaming his name all over the place!

Yes he does live far away but it’s okay and possibly one day, he will stay again and then he can hold me so hard through the night.

I feels his defenses spring up from his core, from a secret place that my heart might explore. Yet they hold onto that love and to you so far away, from the void deep down in his heart, so do you “feel” that hole and crushing ache, while hurting so bad simply because my love, craves to be placed.

He used to radiate the thought that my love was approved because he didn’t run the entire time that he knew. This deep, fierce, all over, intense feeling I get shows my love for this man that I’ve not had to date. He seems to good to be true and I see that in everything that he’s done just for me. Love tries to escape from the depths of my core, to rush to the void and quickly fill his heart, only to get caught up with Distance, which made my love turn around in his dream…

Sometimes, my love is unwanted it seems, and if that is the case, the pounding will start off relatively soft, and then it will hit you with such a great force, going all the way up and into your throat where coerced. Making you feel, that maybe you’re trying just to stay afloat, with deep labored breaths that seem forced from your lungs, and hey, yes the void that he has, secretly aches, but not for anyone else, so that my love might be placed.

The way he makes love to me is insane and wild and then, when he stares at me intensely while on top, doing incredible things too me I don’t want him to stop…

It’s all about him, conquering that fear, that all women are alike and just playing a game. Keep an open mind that one may exist totally for you, to enjoy, respect and in return, you will have that best friend and beyond.

Well, she’s right here beside you holding the mark, and the bond that you’ve shared deep down in both hearts.

Craving it to be, inside of their most secret place, but past demons come up to fill them instead, doing nothing but making his heart again fill with dread. There’s no more room for my love to reside, he’s distancing again proclaiming to all that he’s not attached, (Are we still EXCLUSIVE? Reporting wasn’t true yet he believed it so much, it was concreted deep in his trust.)

Seeing that my love makes his heart hesitate real fast, and then, I can “feel” that same hesitation involved in everything that he does and does just for me. It will, eventually haunt him while making him wonder why. Is her love really real and not wanting more than I’m able to give?

(His hesitation tells me sooooo much)

He thinks as he smokes, so focused on this, revelation that hit him so fast!

You can also “feel” it, in everything that is said. His entire persona as a whole, will find a way, to completely hesitate and maybe, they think, there’s somewhere inside them, for all that love you have radiating the heat that’s way deep inside, to be placed in a place for my love not to hide.

(I have all this love for you bursting inside, away from your doubts yet you are holding onto a hope, in faith there’s no doubt, in order for your heart to allow me inside.)

Letting you get deep into your stride, trying not to collide with your need for space. While way deep inside, of my secret place, where I’m holding this love that is turned on by you, and with an ominous ache, his void is so huge that I may ask, silently. “Is it worth it for me, to just let him know? Since the love that I hold onto HARD yet, deep down inside, while knowing that it’s not allowed to be placed.)

Patience with love combined is what the key is right here..

That pounding gets harder, louder and deep, inside of my chest, knowing nothing at all, but the knowledge remains, and the fact really is very plain, that you can’t breathe from deep down inside.

He’s protecting his spirit so mine, can conquer and divide the demons that harass and take place in his heart, while making him keep it from love that’s shown in his face.

Yet he’s scared to release that small secret place where he let love come close – but he didn’t give place and he seemed indifferent to me, harboring things that would have made others break.

He then showed me the side of his hero part to, he’s so brave and so strong –

I hear me now and I’m crying for you…

Moving robotically, day by day and shuffling through all the mess in my way.
The weight of that ache, settled deep in my mind, wishing hard and praying loud, screaming for that love to please be found.

Then, maybe his heart will come out and see, that my love needs to fill, those places he has way deep down inside of his secret heart place where he hasn’t let love arrive…

With him not wanting it, yet sensing he wanted it so, his heart could be healed allowing a path for true love to grow. God had surely set them up to meet and get close inside his heart. His spirit had spoken up and with that pic in his mind, damn all of the sudden, he turned from me and groaned, then he closed himself off to the trails of my mind.

I’m holding on, with all of my might, slightly frantic it seems because I don’t want this fight. I want everything to remain the same, with our hot sexy times and yet I still need to know, “are we still exclusive deep down in your mind?”,

…all the while I’m knowing, there’s no room in his heart, for him to be mine.

I knew from the start that I would probably get hurt deep down to the very core of my heart. He’s that precious to me to have in my life, that he’s keeping his distance doesn’t change the want that’s way deep down inside that special place that’s deep down in my heart.

Just remember, it all started with his void deep inside, where my love wanted to go and lay down to reside. He’s held me in his strong arms, no fear that I can see, he makes everything negative stay away from me. He keeps the bad stuff far away so that I can’t get to it then I begin to pray…

Sometimes my love was allowed to get close and deep down inside, just not quite… and that’s partly because my love was secretly keeping his hope alive!

Despite what he showed me that he didn’t want, any part of my love, that I have deep down in my heart. Secretly he wished for a love so grand that it would put to shame, any past that he had.

He was fighting inside, close to his heart… Whether or not to allow these feelings I’ve felt, so strong for him, since the day that we met.

My hope is that one day, love would be allowed fully to see, and deep enough for the love to “feel“, all snuggly and warm way deep down inside, yet needing to rest and being right beside, the place, where his hope let’s my love survive!

That agonizing pounding, over and around his void, hits me, deep down, while keeping his hope at a distance, suffering from not allowing us to form a deep bond, that would normally reside, in a place so secret, deep down in his heart, in a secret place, where he wouldn’t let hope arrive.

With a lot of joy, that hope was staying close, just out of my reach, I knew this routine way better than most, also knowing inside of my deep down space, where I needed his void to remain in it’s place.

Teasing me relentlessly, the strings of my heart, and waiting for patience, yet craving him hard, where was the love coming from – it was where love finally did find a place!

The ache will never go away, for that person you need, your craving them relentlessly, just wanting that love to get deep down inside and take that void by surprise, while filling their heart with love, so they will certainly survive!

There will be none to replace this one in my heart, he will forever have the key, to my special heart place, where my love lived in the first place, right from the start! The hope it still feels from his void, masking itself not to scare him away.

Asking finally, where does my love go, if not to him? Answer. That love that is his and his alone will just wait around until it’s shown, that is okay to fill that void of his.

If that never happens… My love will still be right here outside just loving him anyway thru everything indeed!

πŸ’•πŸ’•after noteπŸ’•πŸ’•

πŸ’•For those who may not have understood the angle of this upbeat yet fearful post, I will explain. I have so much love inside of me for this man and he knows how I feel. I never tell him I love you in words out of respect for him so he wouldn’t feel uncomfortable and because for one thing that doesn’t do any Justice to the why I inside. It’s “beyond love” because I never wanted him to feel uncomfortable or think I was pushing him into something he’s not ready for.. He knows and accepted it, trusting me as much as he’s able to keep my word and not push him for more. That’s enough for me because I accept him and where he’s at. He sees my actions and I see his, because true love is a verb and actions speak louder than words. He shows me all the time he cares but he only cares and loves up to a certain point because of past heartaches. He can only give so much of himself and a little part of him is always on guard, waiting for the other shoe to be dropped.

I know without being told that he likes me loving him (if he didn’t he would get angry with me for “pushing” him.) He doesn’t, in fact he’s very patient and understanding with me through it. I know that he wants to show me but I also know he’s afraid to because in his mind, if he does show me intimate and affectionate stuff that I will get the wrong idea and expect more from him. That really makes sense to me and since day one of us being together and exclusive, I’ve known exactly what I was getting into. I’ve always kept him knowing where my head was. That’s where most women make their mistake. They aren’t honest or they didn’t let their guy know where their head was. So all the guys can do in that aspect is guess and that’s never good to guess where your partners head is. Our mind always rotate to the negative, don’t you think?

This post talks about the void in his heart that I want so much to fill, if he could allow me to and that secretly, he wants to show me that but after it hits him that he’s thinking that, he immediately pulls away to his comfort zone. I don’t say anything, i just smile and accept him.

Acceptance is a compromise in any relationship. It’s just pretty much unheard of these days. But I’m ok with that and I accept him where he is at, and he accepts me and where I’m at. We don’t let all that become a problem for us, we would rather enjoy our journey and what we do have at this moment and not worry about what we don’t have.

(Just because we don’t have a traditional relationship doesn’t mean we don’t care. Most in traditional relationships can’t say that they have anything close to what we have.)

We don’t put that stress on us. We are happy now. We have 100% Loyality, respect, compassion, honesty, good communication daily, enjoy being together and we have off the chain sex! We bonded emotionally, soulfully, and sexually, and that is definitely a combination that cannot be beaten!

It’s “beyond best friends with benefits” that is the name I gave what we have together.

that should help you decipher this post and understand it!

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Dead inside… Is all I see…..

All he wants to do is YELL…
His eyes so evil and black…
Dead inside…… As he yells and screams at anyone in his path.
So what, your miserable inside?
Who cares after you hurt us one by one, until there is no one left to hurt.

This man is no one to me and
Apologizes mean zero because it will all happen again, just give it time.
He’s not to be trusted, in this state.
I’m worried for my girl because all she wants, is for him to be fixed.

I can’t see him being fixed. Not after I saw the evil and black eyes up close…
Yelling at me….. Dead inside…..
There is no other word for him… He is an abuser through and through.

No feelings for anyone but his big fat baby self,
No respect for her or her family
I’m scared of what he may do, if he blows up

Terror rushes in on me…
Tears run down my face as I shake while putting this down
So others can see, how horrid he can really be.

I used to see the good inside, but no more..
I guess he brushed that to the side. With my anger problem, I can control mine but his, you can see, is
Uncontrollable. That’s what makes him scary.

He sees no boundaries, none will stop him when in his anger….
My gut says watch him… He’s dangerous and I trust my gut because it has never lied.

It’s sad but oh so true
He’s no longer cares for himself, so be aware he doesn’t care for you.
That makes him a danger… To anyone in his path. My back will tell you that.

I won’t hide from him because I once proclaimed I would never again be abused….. Especially by this little man.
Deep down, I’m scared because
He no longer cares.

God keep us all safe from him
and his anger that is all around him. We all need You Lord, to stop him with Your mighty hand.

Let nothing happen to us but only to him if his anger comes once again.
Karma is a bitch and God’s wrath is worse… Not caring about that will definitely leave you with a curse.

I’m still shaking, my back throbbing
Hurting for my friend more than me. She’s to good a woman for this jerk to see.

Keep her safe Lord that he may listen to her and receive some help for his issues,
Leaving us all alone once more.

🌼 afterword 🌺

Exes aren’t the only abusers, there are friends even neighbors that will pounce on you in their fit of rage.

😞Like my fb page SURVIVING YOUR ABUSIVE EX

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU LOVE IS IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP or they have been abused by someone they know……. KNOW THAT YOUR NOT ALONE!

Contact the NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE AND WEBSITE NOW. (see below)

They will get you out SAFELY.

❀️

1-800-799-7233

1-800-799-SAFE

πŸ’™ HOTLINE #❀️

πŸ˜ŠπŸ’™ Thanxxx for reading, commenting, and following πŸ’œπŸ˜Š

Tears running down … πŸ’§

The tears are not going to stop, they are running down my face.
My soul cringes,
knowing the tears will make the thoughts come alive.

Forever searching inside,
grabbing myself from deep inside
trying to hold it back
The need for reassurance is there

I must share my head with you,
it’s a must, guessing can not an option
Understand that it hurts
when you flippantly tell me that it’s none of my business…

try to “see” where I’m coming from,
Put your head where mine rests… Being afraid that one day you will say…
I’m hanging out with a new friend.

Crushed beyond reason is what I’d be
If that were to happen.
That’s why all you have to do is tell me
where your head is, because guessing is dangerous for me.

I need your honesty, not your anger,
Your acceptance, not your mean words….
Your understanding, not your condemnation.
Your reassurance, not your rude comebacks…

Because those are so unlike you… You are defensive for no reason,

Haven’t I earned
That much respect, and
haven’t I been true in our best friendship thus far?
It’s not you reporting, it’s simply YOU being kind to the one who is kind to you.

Reassurance would stop it all…
Please don’t keep it from me….

It’s not me trying to control you, it is YOU being
considerate of your bfwb…
that needs to be told, gently, that
No one is taking her place.

Reassurance would stop it all…
Those thoughts…
Dead in their tracks.

I don’t get why you won’t do that
just to help,
To make it easier…
Especially bc I’m trying very hard
To continue to trust.

Don’t make me pay with tears
because you know how much I care.
My heart is pretty fragile
but you think it’s made of steel…

It’s hard when negative
Enters in,
To continue to trust …. while reassurance would
Be so welcomed for needed peace,
Inside my heart.

What would it really hurt?
To tell me what’s up!
If you know how I mean it…
It’s for reassuring comfort, deep down in my gut.

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πŸ’•you have to love yourself πŸ’• it’s important πŸ’•

Have you ever wondered how you go about learning to love yourself? Some people never give it a thought while others, spend their whole lives trying to master this and themselves in their own mind and in their own lives.

I spent my whole life not loving myself. Understand though, I didn’t even realize this until right before I started this journey. I’m glad I didn’t realize this then, when it was happening because how miserable would that have made me?

Someone, who is now very close to me, is the one who showed me that I was worth receiving love. I never before thought I mattered enough. That was a thought that was deep down inside, that you don’t see when just looking at yourself from the outside. You got to look and dig deeper. It was through them showing me I mattered, that made me want to look and dig deeper, thus beginning my journey. It was then I saw that I’d never really loved myself at all.

The “why” that made me feel as if I were UNLOVABLE and not worthy of receiving love, doesn’t matter. The fact remained, however, that I DID feel this way and there had to be a way for me to change it.

People try to get help in therapy, for example, about specific reasons that led up to them not loving themselves. I believe that dealing with the root issue, (in this case, not loving yourself) and not focusing on the why’s and who’s, will free you way sooner than trying to figure out “why” someone treated you bad, etc… We can’t change others so that’s why I decided to focus on changing the way I felt about myself. That I could change but focusing on the why’s and who’s, I’d keep going around the same old mountain with no solutions.

Does this make sense?

On the outside, throughout my life, I thought I was loveable because I’m kind, empathetic, compassionate and thoughtful to others. So that’s why “it had to be my fault if someone didn’t love me, right”? That was from years of negative thoughts about myself. I’m sure you have them to, huh?

Only after being shown that I did matter, I realized I hadn’t ever loved ME. So, “why did I not love me?”, that was the question. I was going to find the answer, if it killed me.

It was the least I could do for myself, after being so hard on myself for several years by thinking it was my fault that I was unlovable. I was so cruel to myself and seeing that now frightens me that I abused myself so much. This is why so many who don’t love themselves fall into DOMESTIC VIOLENT relationships, stop fighting for themselves and give in when faced with a narcissistic parent. Many also fall into addictions, trying to numb the feelings of inadequacy.

Knowing it deep down and not doing anything about it is self abuse in my book. So once I “knew” this, I hurriedly set myself on a path to change it. I deserved better treatment than that, especially from myself. You deserve it too!

One reason I wanted to learn this was because I was so tired of being hurt by others. So many that were close to me hurt me. I somehow knew if I could ever find true love for myself, then I wouldn’t get hurt by others if they didn’t love me.

I didn’t know at this time that I was attracting those kind of toxic people that couldn’t love me by just me feeling that I was UNLOVEABLE. That’s a trip, huh?

This link explains how you may be attracting toxic people in your life that you may not be aware of. http://www.marcandangel.com/2015/08/16/7-surprising-reasons-youre-attracting-toxic-people/

No one else would love me unconditionally, if I, myself couldn’t love myself this way. This, I just seemed to know, without being told. I wanted to be loved like that in my life so bad and in order for that to happen, I knew I had to change my own perception of myself and look at myself realistically, with no filters. I shouldn’t look at myself from others perspectives of myself, but most of us do. I was now ready to really get to know the real ME that I truly was inside.

First, I started with the definition of what unconditional love was. Basically, it’s loving someone (or yourself) despite that person’s wrongs. You don’t have to agree with those wrong things or decisions but you love them regardless of them. “Love the sinner, not the sin”, if you will! That’s not just for others, it’s for ourselves as well.

I’d personally never experienced receiving unconditional love in my own life, however, this is where I started on my journey.

I had given that type of love to both my kids so I knew what it meant. However, the mind power I needed to display that and in order for me to have that type of love for myself, (in spite of any wrongs, any past bad decisions, any flaws and any differences), was going to be a hard road.

It’s a process of getting to know yourself (not people’s perceptions about you although that is usually what we focus on), forgiving yourself, accepting yourself, and ultimately loving yourself.

Forgiving yourself is VERY important and without it, you cannot move on in your life, past a certain point. It was essential to this journey I was on. Again, I just knew this was a step I must take, without being told, I just seemed to know.

Even if you truly don’t believe you deserve to be forgiven, forgive yourself anyway. How can others forgive you, when you won’t forgive yourself? It’s the same with accepting yourself and loving yourself.

Keep in mind to, that we attract people with the energy we give off, so in my case I was attracting toxic people that couldn’t love themselves, much less love me. They tried to make me the same way, thankfully, that didn’t happen.

Forgiving yourself frees you into being able to accept yourself right where you are and eventually allows you to start loving yourself.

I had to fight through negative thoughts my whole life because on the outside I knew I was good enough, smart enough, and pretty enough, but I just didn’t show it. I didn’t know how. I’m guessing it was also because I didn’t feel it on the inside. That’s where the REAL me was. The negative over powered the positive in my mind. I didn’t know myself at that time and it showed. I had started looking at myself the way toxic people looked at me, wondering if they were right. I didn’t know myself enough to hear my inner self screaming, “no I’m not like that”.

Pushing through this was almost impossible, yet I did it! The strength was just there. It was pure raw determination and that was from years of being tired of feeling negative about myself. For once I was truly fighting FOR me, instead of against me!

I had thought, somewhere deep inside of me, that I deserved the wrongful and abusive treatment I had received all these years from different people, myself included. (From who, why and where doesn’t matter. I just needed to train myself NOT to believe that lie). You don’t have to believe those lies others say about you. Just keep throwing them out of your mind, on purpose, and hold onto those deep down feelings that your gut is telling you, that you do matter. Like I did, I knew it but I put what others said and had shown me above what I knew was truth. Abuse yourself no longer!

There was no map or outline on how to do this, I just went with it. God led me through it.

All this time, from that deep place inside me, I knew that I DID deserve love, and finally, that feeling overwhelmed the lie I’d believed all these years. This occured once I started this journey.

After accepting myself, the real me, deep down inside, was crying out for love, loudly and this time I paid attention. I owed it to myself. YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TOO!

I’d given others advice on this very subject before on the importance of self love but I never practiced it on me. In part, because I believed I didn’t deserve it and because it wasn’t a big “in my face” issue at the time. I never looked at it “in me” before.

Once I looked at it with me in mind, I saw a lot about myself that I didn’t know.

I had to look at feelings and situations that were years old in order to get to know, forgive and accept me. Things and memories that were not pleasant.

This is why so many don’t take this journey, I’m sure, because it hurts and prior just don’t want to face their pain.. But it is A MUST, if you want to succeed in truly loving yourself.

In this journey, I came to discover key issues, people and situations that would explain my behavior, my issues, and why I believed I was unworthy of receiving love all these years.

One freedom I found, was from learning I suffered from ADHD and unmedicated, makes it’s sufferers see things through a distorted and clouded view. I made a lot of my life’s decisions in that distorted and clouded view. Sadly, I wouldn’t have if I would have been medicated, or even just had the awareness of my disorder.

Another freedom was realizing I had been raised by a narcissist and the knowledge that they are incapable of showing or feeling love. It wasn’t my fault that they didn’t love me, it was on them. I thought I may faint from joy and relief after learning these facts, because it wasn’t my fault. After thinking it was my fault for years, this was quite liberating.

After realizing these things, I forgave, accepted and came to like the person I was. I couldn’t move forward, however, unless I accepted myself as I was then, and now.

So many things that were foggy in my life back then, became crystal clear with these revelations.

After seeing this about myself, I really “saw” that I WAS worth love and that I did the best I could back then. Today, I DO deserve unconditional love. I TRULY felt this, (for real), for the first time ever.

I also saw that I deserved to be loved BY MYSELF. This was another freedom for me. Loving yourself DOES make a huge difference. I believe that if more people would love themselves, it would stop a lot of depression and self harm tendencies.

Unconditional love for oneself would definitely put a dent in the suicide rate. So, show someone they are worth being loved today!

Since I really got to know, forgive and accept myself, NOW came the hard part of how to TRULY love myself unconditionally. (Key word, “unconditionally”). I thought to myself, “how on earth do I make this happen?”

The answer is: It comes automatically after going through the steps I’ve explained. It is the FINAL outcome after learning those things through each step. (Knowing, forgiving, accepting and loving)

Diligently seeking how to do one step, automatically enables you for the next step, until your at the end and you notice that you are loving yourself, before you even realize it!

Wow, a miracle as far as I’m concerned!

See, in this journey, I learned that I wasn’t unlovable, in each step I took.

The deeper I dug into myself, the more things I saw that made me love myself. I saw a young child that only wanted love and that young woman that was forever making bad decisions. I saw their heart and it made me see that they thought they were doing their best and that they were worthy of my love. Stop abusing yourself now!

It was through the desire of wanting to get to know myself that led me to the fact of needing to forgive myself. It was through that forgiveness, that I came to accept myself. Lastly, it was through that acceptance, that I was able to FINALLY truly love myself, unconditionally.

This journey wasn’t without it’s own set of hurts, bad memories and feeling uncomfortable, but it’s the only way I knew to get to where I wanted to be. I was learning the “how to” as I went.

I believe personally, that God led me into those steps, otherwise how would I have known to take them?

Today, I’m still in process of finding pieces of myself that were long forgotten and putting them together with who I am now, and loving myself still, regardless.

Don’t be so hard on yourself, take the journey I did and trust me, you won’t be sorry you did. Through this journey you will (hopefully) see that what was holding you back was the thought that you need to be “fixed”. You don’t need fixing, you just need to forgive, accept and love yourself.

Love yourself unconditionally, regardless.

Read my blog post, “where did that strength come from” here: https://wp.me/paI9nk-9G

Also LIKE my fb recovery page (because this is a type of recovery your going through) https://www.facebook.com/steppingintorecoverywithJesus/
πŸ’• This page deals with the recovery from addictions, toxic people, life and recovery within yourself for what you put yourself through in the past.

πŸ’œ feel free to message me on FB or an email if you have questions about this or you just need someone to talk to. I’ve been there so I’m there for you!

Where does that strength come from?πŸ’ͺ

Strength is something you are born with but it takes challenging situations for it to be mastered enough that you can pull just enough out of you to make it just a bit further down the road your traveling, when you don’t think you can go any further.

It seems the more you go through in life, the more strength you aquire through challenges faced from those adversities.

Have you just ever taken a moment to yourself to say, “how did I ever make it through that”? It’s because you don’t feel strong after those rough journeys that you conquered, but you know you had to have found the strength somewhere just to have pulled through.

I’m amazed at the resilience I’ve had when facing some of the darkest times in my life. Of course, you don’t notice that when your in the middle of going through them, but only afterwards, is it crystal clear that you had barely made it through. How did you do that? The only answer I could come up with is, “I just did”. You did it because you had no other option, you had to find the strength and your soul find it, unbeknownst to you.

I’ve been in the bathroom, looking in the mirror with tears running down my face, begging myself to stop crying when I was hurting so much I could barely stand it. That is pain, horrible, searing pain that was almost uncontrollable. But somehow, after several minutes, I was able to stop crying and gather myself together the best way I could. That took strength, a LOT of strength, that had to come from a place so deep inside, to push through all that pain.

Next time, be aware of your feelings and the challenging situation your facing. Look back and notice the strength you’ve exhibited throughout that situation, several different times. It takes a lot for an individual to display that type of strength.

We don’t give ourselves enough credit for being a hero in our own lives. It takes a real hero to handle what we have had to handle. Otherwise, we would remain broken and miserable in our daily lives, never getting past the challenges that life is going to throw at us.

So love yourself for protecting yourself and for ultimately saving yourself. You are a very strong person. Embrace that about yourself today. Be your your own hero!

πŸ’ͺ Leave your comments about your own journey and how you were your own hero!

πŸ’• πŸ’•πŸ’• fyi πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

πŸ’• I believe that the naughtier the couple, the closer the bond, in an erotic and sensual way that’s unlike any other. This type of bond is very hard to break through. If that is coupled with two people that have a basic solid foundation of honesty, 100% trust, being trustworthy, loyal, being faithful and showing respect also meaning that they also practice these attributes in their every day relationship.

They also let the other one know EXACTLY where their head is at! (what they are thinking and they will discuss anything between themselves so their partner knows what’s up with them).

(By doing this, it will stop a lot of wondering about things like: “do they love me”, “are they cheating”, etc….?)

It will also stop a lot of accusations and so forth … It just simply helps both to feel free enough to have complete trust for each other.

That trust is a major part of the foundation, as well as communication being yet another.

Communication is especially important and essential during your sexual encounters. Naughty talk is a huge turn on, for men and women alike. Embarrassed to talk dirty to your partner? Don’t be.

Isn’t it better to try naughty and dirty talking in hopes of enjoying it and bringing your relationship closer and be more intimate as a couple, or do you want to just stay as you are right now sexually? Don’t you like it when your significant other talks naughty to you? I know I love it!

Just try it because you just may just like it and find it completely and totally arousing!

***fyi πŸ’• also dirty and naughty sexting is a huge turn on. Send your partner ladies a pic of your boobs or a sexy pic of all of you. Men love that and would welcome it during a hard day at work. Jus sayin’!

The Bad Girls Bible can also be used as a tool during foreplay πŸ’• Find something you would like to try, for example: a sensual, erotic and slow all over full body massage.

Click this link to see all the awesome sexual things you can try together. http://www.badgirlsbible.com

Make it fun, sexy, erotic and tantalizing for each other by adding candles by placing them around the room, have some baby oil or massage oil on hand to rub your partner down during that erotic and sensual massage!

Ladies and gentlemen, start with the back and legs, work your way slowly all the way around to his front. They will already be squirming, so titillate them, tease and play with them, drive them to their knees (so to speak). I love it when I make my guy moan. It’s so incredibly seXy and makes me crazy with desire. It also makes me want to search for different ways to make him cry out in that seXy way again. Am I right people?

It’s VERY hot ✌️

Try serving some finger fruits such as: strawberries or grapes. Add whip cream as a fun dip (you can surely have A LOT of fun with this!!!) and take turns feeding each other. This can get HOT very quick! Ladies, then get messy with it and smear it all over his private area and slowly lick it off him, one section at a time, teasing him relentlessly!

(Ladies, you can also have him spread it all around your private area and then he can lick it off you so you will be squirming) …..

See, by this time he (or she) is so turned on, they grab you and ravage you hopelessly! That is what makes you sexually melt and fully give yourself to your lover!

I know it makes me literally melt and I’m like a rag doll, having one orgasm after another without even trying. To me that’s the amazing part because in my past, I would have to really work hard in order for me to orgasm. So now, with orgasms happening left and right and shudders racking my limp body, it blows my mind!

Definitely have some sexy music playing. Personally, the slow and sexy Usher songs make the mood sexy and R Kelly has seXy tunes as well, but choose whatever type of music that’s going to enhance YOUR sexual mood.

In all my discussions with a variety of people about this subject, not one person claimed to have listened to heavy metal, classic rock or even country during hot and naughty sex.

Those generes of music are not usually synonymous with feeling sexy or naughty. I happen to agree with that. So find something with a slow but seXy beat that makes the passion burn inside you. It will deeply enhance the spicy tone, already floating in the air.

Men also love it when their woman tells them exactly what she wants from him during sex. That turns men on BIG-TIME! It really gets their primal juices flowing in anticipation knowing that is going to happen!

When their lady is enjoying what’s she’s doing, that is a MAJOR turn on to her man. You can tell if your partner enjoys doing these things or not and it’s a big turn on if they know you do.

When a woman opens up entirely during foreplay (kinda like the rag doll thing I was discussing earlier) and verbally describes to them, in detail, what will make her hot and wet, that makes her guy totally melt sexually! He can’t edit to get his hands on you! That is so sexually appealing!

Try it, don’t be shy! Your man is going to have YOU on his mind a lot after this! Isn’t that reason enough to try these things?

Men also NEED for their women to give EXCELLENT blow jobs …. “Just do to it what you would want done to yours, if you had one.” That’s what I do and most definitely swallow. A blow job without the swallowing is not a good blow job. It is lacking something from a man’s viewpoint.

Ladies, I know that you don’t want your man to think of you and have the picture of unfulfilled sex in his mind. Do you? No, you want him to think of the EXCELLENT blow job you gave him the night before or the sexy foreplay ideas you tried in him to make his toes curl! You want him to think sexually positive when it comes to you. So, do your best with the swallowing. My guy tastes like cotton candy, and I love it!

If you don’t enjoy giving your man a blow job or you refuse altogether, there’s a good chance he could go looking for that naughty fix from someone else’s mouth. I’m just being real here and that may be a RAW sensitive statement but it’s true. Most men WILL get that taken care of one way or the other. So, wouldn’t you want it to be from you?

(This is another blog post for another day) but πŸ’•I’ve had several of my male friends confide to me that their partners won’t (for whatever reason) give them a real blow job. That means from start to finish, swallowing and all.

***fyiπŸ’• don’t give a boring blow job by just going up and down, no, lick him on his testicles and he will love it! Swirling your tongue around on his penis is much more of a turn on. Remember I know these things because of my male friends confiding in me.

I also know that several of those male friends revealed to me later, that they got their naughty fix taken care of from someone who enjoyed giving blow jobs. It’s sad ladies, but it’s true. So, if you want to keep your man wanting you and thinking of you sexually ….. Put your mouth to work!

(πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•fyiπŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•)

Make the initial bj last for at least 3-5 minutes before you take a breather. If you are using all your mouth muscles, you should have tired jaws at this point. Then after a couple minutes (while you are stroking him to keep him interested while your gathering your momentum) keep it up for another 3-4 five minute rounds, this will be winding him up and getting him ever so HOT in the process.

Men also love their women to be naughty. Also, wear revealing clothes, (no matter what your size.) You will come to know their definition of naughty, just ask them. Then you can make their naughty fantasies come true ✌️

They love this type of foreplay and it also gives you guys extra sexual communication time, as well as help your verbal skills in the naughty department! (If they have been lacking in that crucial area)

Too many couples just do not talk to each other. How can you expect sex to be HOT if you can’t even talk to each other? Come on y’all!

You will have your man addicted if you keep this up consistently for any amount of time.

I challenge you to try these tips, or any others you may learn about for one month. Try spacing the activities out at different times throughout that month and I promise, you will see the difference in your sexual relationship! You will feel closer and bonded in a way that you never have before. Not to mention, it will bring you they much closer in the emotional part of your relationship. It’s a win-win situation!

(LADIES & GENTLEMAN ……..Are you up for this challenge?)

Only when this type of “cumming” together happens sexually, only then will your “beast” be unleashed and unbridled!

This, in turn, will release the sensual beast in your partner that is needed for them to be able to tempt and prod your beast to come out and play. Follow me? Otherwise, they wouldn’t be able to make that happen.

It may take a while for this to occur, however, do not rush it. That will ruin everything. It will NEVER happen if you rush. Just simply ENJOY YOUR JOURNEY πŸ’• to those sexual heights and where your partner is taking you.

If you would like to add even more spice, bring something to calm you and release your inhibitions. Go ahead and pour yourselves some of your favorite drink or maybe a little 4:20 is what you prefer, to calm and settle you into the beyond seXy moment. Allow yourselves to just “chiLL”and play!

A lot of men, ladies too, enjoy mutual masterbation. This is one way to heat things up real fast! It’s a really huge turn on for both parties. Don’t be shy, let your drink or your roll chill you out, while you get your dildo and then show him how good you can work it on yourself. It’s guaranteed that the men will like this one. Ladies, watch him stroke his while you are doing this.

The list is actually endless with the things you can try. The Bad Girls Bible site will have something that catches your eye, just for you!

Have a blast together!!!

These are just some of the little “secrets” I’ve learned in recent years about men, through my male friends.

It works because before I met my BFWB that I’m exclusive with now, I didn’t like sex very much. It was a challenge to bring me to a hard climax. My BFWB brought the beast out me hard core from the very first time we were together!!! It can happen for you too πŸ’• just let it happen! It all depends on you.

Let me know how your first encounter goes!!!

Leave a comment below letting me know your RAW thoughts on this post and follow my blog, please!!!

πŸ’•CHECK out my FB page that’s dedicated to my bfwb πŸ’• and LIKE IT! https://www.facebook.com/findingyourfreakypartnerforever/

✌️✌️ Also my FB page for awareness on LEGALIZATION of cannabis

https://www.facebook.com/legalizemaryjaneintexas

Inside the tornado ❀️…thoughts lie

These emotions are paralyzing and crippling to whatever poor soul is riding this roller coaster. Unfortunately, that poor soul is ME


I’m not interested in blogging about pain anymore, but “it is what it is”!

I always just used to put a smile on my face and that way “everything will have to be okay, right?” It used to work but now, nothing has worked. “Here we go…..”

I feel myself starting to shake inside.Β  I then, sense the high winds of the tornado close by.

“I know it will carry me off yet again……”

“To what destination” IΒ  wonder… “Where the thoughts are born? Then they lie?”

I know it’s because of the fog….. The unclear clouds of confusion.

“You know you might forget”….. my mind screams at me, while I’m trying desperately to stay clear and focused!

Mind over matter worked for me earlier in the day. I put myself in a good mood, I do this every day, only for it to be jerked away from me, viciously.

“I work so hard to stay okay.
why, why, why…..”

“Is this a dream?”Β Β  I ached.

That’s never happened before, not in that way.


“Will we survive this journey I’m on? We better. You know how I look up to you, hang onto your every word but I just don’t get your mood towards me. (said silently to my bfwb)“Am I interpreting it wrong or is it real” my mind tries to scream through the clouds of confusion.

“Is it real? No, remember, thoughts lie”

What happened to your sweet, encouraging, uplifting mood that I used to see?

“Am I not worthy of being bothered with because I don’t matter?”

Oh, my heart needs a clear view and there is none in the clouds.
I feel that heavy on me like a blanket. I don’t matterΒ  enough to bother, I decided because I was so frustrated!

“Instead of lifting me up, you crushed me, intentionally? maybe not.” I tell myself fervently, so I beg you inside my head,

“please don’t make me cry!”

Yet you did it anyway.”
The clouds are closing on on me.

That’s really on me because of those thoughts in the cloud and …… “I remember those thoughts do lie.”

Nevertheless, that really hurt me inside my heart, if I perceived it correctly.Β  I hoped I didn’t, knowing that certain thoughts will lie.

You are my unsung hero and I need you in my life. I need your encouraging words, your smile and your personality all around me.


“Am I not worth that
bother?” the screams tell me that “thoughts lie”, …….when the clouds are around, and not to forget. “It will be over soon…….”

I’m locked in that confusing fog of clouds, not knowing if I matter or not. Begging for peace in my fear. Gathering myself together the best I can………

…….”I’m glad those thoughts lie……..I can’t lose what I found”

I cherish the fact that you are my best friend and beyond, with all my heart, so please don’t hurt me. I can’t do this alone because I will fail alone. (I secretly begged you)

I need you with me and by my side in order to survive whatever this is, enveloping me. In my mind I beg,

“please don’t disappear because of the fog!”

I would not hesitate if the tables were turned, to stand by your side and be supportive of you….

….because that’s just what best friends are supposed to do. “Why aren’t you?”
…..No answer.“Thoughts lie…. He cares”

“……..remember the cloud will leave …”

The one thing I need from you is your smile and you won’t give it.Β  Is the reasonΒ  because I want it so bad? Is that why you keep it from me?Β  That is mean, don’t you see?Β  But your not like that, through the fog I know that! It’s jumbled up because of the thick clouds that creep in.

“Why did you think it was ok for you to be mean towards me, especially now? Or is that my distorted perception?”

“Are you just holding your kind words back because my soul needs to hear them? On purpose?
This is not like you, I just don’t get it.”


“Remember thoughts lie….don’t forget”
“He hasn’t changed, you should know better!……

Frustrated…..if not for the clouds I would

I know you care but you don’t let me see it,

I’m crushed and no one cares, it seems. I think to myself, “just walk on me and step on me, it doesn’t matter. I’m gonna hurt anyway. Why does no one hear me?”

I just don’t get it. I’m confused and I know why but knowing doesn’t stop it from happening.

Your making no sense to me. I’m not used to you hurting me.Β  Never before had you tried, “why now”?

“But do you care? You can’t be like the rest. Please don’t let this be a dream, and I wake up and your mean like the rest. You are special…..
…..so please, don’t be the same as everyone else.”

The screaming inside my soul cries…
“…..Don’t forget what I’ve said …..thoughts lie..”

Exhausted, “just leave me be so I can cry in peace. But i don’t care.” It hurts in my belly with hard pains .. I’m so tired, through and through.

You have no clue as to how much I need you in my life….
I thought you would always care, but you don’t. At least that is what I feel.

“…..Omg thoughts lie, I almost forgot…”

The unwanted tangled and distorted thoughts cloud the original ones that are locked in my head.Β  My brain was trying to save me by screaming: ….

….”remember thoughts lie, don’t forget…..”

“I’m closing my eyes.. stay close to me, I don’t want to die. Die inside, I mean, from a crushed spirit. You don’t crush those, you lift those up. Goodnight I’m closing my eyes. Stay close please.”

“I need you to forget that I’m in this cloud, I won’t always be. Please stay. Because I know that thoughts do lie. I’m holding fast to the faith that sustains me for that to please be true.”
“You are the same as before. I’m so grateful for you.” Good. I was wrong, my mind clears and those horrible clouds seem to be lifting now.”

“You stayed….. Thank you!”

Thank you, God for reminding me that those thoughts lied!
This was written during an ADHD hyper focus moment, not after.Β  I wanted to describe the negative thoughts and the struggle to fight them so others could see what someone battles daily with this disorder.

πŸ’™Facebook page links for help and info about living with the stigma of adult ADHD, HIV/AIDS, depression, anxiety or and mental issues and just anything that has stigma attached.Β  Check it out!πŸ’œ

https://www.facebook.com/stopandkillthestigma/