my SouL cries 💙 ~~~ MY STORY (part one of three)

… I was told I couldn’t possibly care about them or myself either or else I would “stop this craziness right away”.

I knew it wasn’t true, because I wanted so bad to be loved by them and to show them I could love them and be good at the same time. I did love them but they couldn’t see that through my emotional shortcomings …

… my SouL cries 💜 MY STORY ~~~ (part two of three)

… People just don’t get how damn hard that was for me. I missed him so terribly every single day, I missed him. I never stopped moving around for long because I would start thinking about him if I did and I would break down …

… my SouL cries … ❤️MY PERSONAL STORY (part three of three)

God had already been working on my son’s behalf.  I didn’t care about myself, I just was to be sure that he was going to be taken care of while my gut cringed up painfully, with the thought of being away from him. I cannot find the words to tell you how dark and alone I felt, not to mention what a worthless piece of crap I was for allowing this to happen to us.

Endless Thoughts …

Scattered thoughts, Gleefully running Intense flashes Tiptoeing around, quietly running, away from the scrutinizing eye. I can see each thought yet they won’t slow down long enough in order for me to look at them, To see what they are. Crashing isn’t far … hyper isn’t far … Finally, Smoke, swirling around each thought separately

Perpetual madness of the mind

Heinous taunts come from the thoughts that aren’t mine, making this world seem unfeeling, not giving me any consolation. Making me stay in this miserable place. No matter how I fight, I cannot leave …

💔 mommy dearest 💔

… narcissists don’t have one ounce of good … so now I no longer care if she acknowledged me back then or not … I was completely blown over when shown what she was … that day not very easily forgot …

Agonizing fear 😵

… Braving myself for a painfuL emotional jaunt … which  continuously … scattered the shredded pieces of my heart … floating through memories of before when my heart was young … 

💕Loving “yOu” iS CruCiaL

It was through the desire of wanting to get to know myself that led me to the fact of needing to forgive myself. It was through that forgiveness, that I came to accept myself. Lastly, it was through that acceptance, that I was able to FINALLY truly love myself, unconditionally.

anXiety tries to rule … 😵

In the challenging ADHD moments of anxiety times ten … Much to my chagrin … Scattered thoughts pounding down on me like a hard fast rain … Closing my eyes I try to escape – I was locked in this moment I that being said … I am just gonna have to deal with this pain … ADHD is never going to be tame …

👁️ simply LoneLy

😞 foreword 🤔 the reality that I’m taking about is the reality that although he’s (my best friend and beyond) not here, I know that he will be back soon, even if it’s not as soon as I would like. But the harshness and pain of loneliness is paralyzing at times. 👁️ Simply LoneLy …

The endless cycle

… … hyper isn’t far …

Finally

Smoke, swirling around each separately …

“In limbo” (caught between “highs” and “lows)

… Holding on in this limbo, is such a contrast to the blackness yet so similar …

It is worse I feel, because there is hope in the limbo that you will go “up” …

WTF

I give myself peptalks all of the time, just to keep myself from falling in that hideous trap of lying thoughts and feelings…

Tears running down … 💧

Don’t make me pay with tears
because you know how much I care.
My heart is pretty fragile
but you think it’s made of steel…

Sleepless in Texas ✌️

I’ve suffered my entire life although some times were worse than others; however, this has been the worse time of all. In my early golden years I get to put up with this and be creative while I’m scattered, so people can see the crazy old lady I’m perceived to be. Great, I think to myself.   Perfect.

Caught between struggling and serenity

Life is full of surprises that’s for sure and if your not paying close attention you may miss the lessons you are supposed to learn. I know I missed a lot of them in my life I was supposed to learn, simply because I wasn’t listening. I’m just thankful that I learned any lessons at all ❤️I’m dealing with a few health issues at the moment.  Adult ADHD which is undiagnosed and untreated

❤️